01x14 - Newspaper Thief

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
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Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and the rest of the `Looney Tunes' characters are back with new adventures.
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01x14 - Newspaper Thief

Post by bunniefuu »

[instrumental music]

Let's see what's for breakfast.

Hmm.

What have we here?

Yuck.

Does he have to put
carrots in everything?

What are you doing?

Aah-h!

Eh, that wasn't
an over-reaction.

[theme music]

You know that pie
was for tonight's dinner party.

What dinner party?

- You kidding?
- What?

Uh, the dinner party
we're having

so you can apologize
to all of our neighbors.

What do I have to apologize for?

How about for what you did
on the 4th of July?

Happy 4th of July.

swoosh

boom

boom

Hey, freedom isn't free.

And for what you did on Easter.

Happy Easter!

Aah.

I don't know
what the big deal was.

They were cage-free eggs.

Andfor what you did
on Columbus Day.

Happy Columbus Day!

[rats squeaking]

Wha-a-t?

The rats represented the Nina

the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

If they didn't get it,
that's their problem.

Besides, what do you care
if the neighbors hate me?

I care because this is my house.

And one of these days,
one of the neighbors

is gonna file a lawsuit against
me for something that you did.

Relax.

It's not like I'm gonna
live here forever.

If you're so worried about
getting sued, I'll
apologize.

But come on, have a little
faith in our neighbors.

slurp

Aah, the suburbs.

Fostering the illusion
of success since 1950.

slurp

My newspaper?
It's been stolen.

crash

Daffy. Daffy.

click

bash

bash

bash

bash

What are we doing this for?

I don't know.

Let's see.

I came out here
to get my newspaper.

It wasn't there
and then I realized..

Someone stole my newspaper.

crash

bash

What are you so upset about?

I've never even seen
you read the paper.

I don't read it. I do what
normal people do with it.

Day by day, slowly build
a paper mache parade float.

What parade are you in?

I'm not in a parade.
I am the parade.

What did your parents do to you?

Bugsy old pal,
there is a thief among us.

You just told me
to have faith in our
neighbors

and now you're insinuating that
one of them stole your paper?

I'm not insinuating anything.

I'm simply implying in
an unscrupulous and cowardly way

that one of our neighbors
is a thief.

You're crazy.

- Am I?
- Yes.

- Am I?
- Yes.

- Am I?
- Yes.

Daffy, no one stole
your newspaper.

Where're you going?

I'm letting everyone know
what time the dinner party
is.

Oh, I-I'll come with you.

Daffy, you're not gonna
accuse the neighbors.

No.I just wanna
get some fresh air.

What did you think?

I was gonna start throwing
accusations around?

Pfft, silly you.

Give me a little
more credit than that.

[knocks on door]

Oh, oh-ho-ho, hello.

Knock off
the pleasantries, grandma.

I know you stole my newspaper.

I-I'd ask you
to forgive my friend.

But we'll be doing a lot of that
at the dinner party tonight

which by the way,
is at 8 o'clock.

See you then.

I know you stole my newspaper.

Your shoe shaper?

My newspaper.

What is a shoe shaper?

[dog barking]

[knocks on door]

What do you want, rabbit?

Just wanted to remind you
about tonight's dinner party.

You mean, let's all forget
about the horrible things

Daffy Duck has done party?

Yeah, I'll be there,
once I get a better offer.

I've got an offer for you.

Give me back my paper.

Yosemite Sam's a lot of things.

A liar, a cheat,
a false witness, a sore loser

a bad friend,
a shady businessman

'a blamer, a flimflammer'

a hornswoggler,
I'm cheap and I steals things.

But I am no thief.

Now, good day, sirs.

- What time's dinner?
- 8 o'clock sharp.

Go home.

Fine.

Now.

I'm going.

What?

I want to watch you go home.

[laughs]

You have some serious
trust issues.

You should get help, man.

[crows cawing]

Oh, uh, were you about
to, uh, go somewhere?

What? You mean the broom? No.

I'm cleanin' my house.

I drive a minivan.

I'm sneaking around
a witch's house alone

looking for a newspaper.

What am I doing?

[wolf howling]

Take a deep breath.

[crows cawing]

It's just a house.

A normal everyday witch's house.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

[screams]

So, I'll see you at 8:00?

I'm making carrot pie.

Pie?

Don't you mean carrot cake?

[screams frantically]

[engine starts]

crash

[tire squeals]

bang

bang

[alarm blaring]

Mm, mm-mm, that duck's
apology list is gettin'long.

So, after all that, I still
don't know which neighbor

stole my newspaper.

Interesting.

I have one question.

[stutters]
Why don't you just
get another paper?

It's the principle.

I hold myself to an extremely
high moral standard.

I treat people
and their things with respect

and I place the virtue
of trust above all else.

[stutters]
No, you don't.

Well, I expect it from others.

Come on, you're
the only one who can help me

solve the mystery.

Don't tell Bugs,
but you're my smartest
friend.

[stutters]
Mystery, huh?

You know, the key to a good
mystery is the ending.

And, nine out of ten
mystery novels

end the same way.

With a semi-flattering
photo of the author?

[stutters]
They end with all the suspects
gathered under one roof

in what they think is
an innocent dinner party?

I-isn't that an elaborate trap?

Wait, we're having
a dinner party

for the neighbors tonight.

That's perfect.

Yeah, at tonight's dinner party,
I can invite everyone to another

dinner party where I could
spring my elaborate trap.

Huh.

Or you could just
spring your elaborate trap

at tonight's dinner party.

Great idea.

I'm glad I thought of it.

Hmm, maybe
I'm my smartest friend.

[Tasmanian Devil grunting]

♪ Oh there's a rumble
in the backyard ♪

♪ It's a shakin'
twistin' clown ♪

♪ Seems someone's pet
is getting way upset ♪

♪ Oh there's something
awful loud ♪

♪ He just swallowed
up his doghouse ♪

♪ Knocked a barbecue
into space ♪

♪ Then he sucked up
Bugs' swimming pool ♪

♪ And spit out a tidal wave ♪

♪ Tasmanian Meltdown comin' ♪

♪ Tasmanian Meltdown comin' ♪

♪ Well you better
start runnin' ♪

♪ When the ground
starts hummin' ♪

♪ There's a meltdown comin' ♪

♪ I don't know
what sets him off ♪

I don't know.

♪ Is he upset about a girl? ♪

No.

♪ It's anyone's guess ♪

♪ 'Cause he's not the best
communicator in the world ♪

Don't judge me.

♪ We'd love to get him
to settle down ♪

♪ But he just scratched
through the wall ♪

♪ He got the police
chasing after him ♪

♪ 'Cause he's headed
for the mall ♪

♪ Tasmanian Meltdown comin' ♪

♪ It's like
a hurricane comin' ♪♪

Oo-ha-ha-ha.

Pfft.

[dog barking in distance]

I can't believe
I have to make another pie.

What're you doing?

You're supposed
to be getting ready

for the dinner party.

Oh, I'm ready for
the dinner party, alright.

What does that mean?

- Nothing.
- Did you set the table?

Oh, I've set more
than the table.

- What does that mean?
- Nothing.

Did you keep the table simple?

It shouldn't look too elaborate.

Oh, ho-ho-ho, the table's
not going to be the thing

that's elaborate.

[snickering]

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

[doorbell rings]

Welcome, suspects.

I mean, neighbors.

[maniacal laughter]

I guess no one's ever
heard of maniacal laughter.

I guess no one's ever heard
of bringin' a gift either.

I just wanna thank everybody for
coming to Daffy's apology party.

I hope that after tonight,
we can all agree

to let bygones be bygones.

ding

Ooh, and I've got
a carrot pie in the oven.

So, save room.

Carrot pie?

Oh, I hope it's okay
that I brought my son.

It's so hard to get
a sitter these days.

Please let there be other women
coming to this thing.

(Daffy on speaker)
'Greetings, everybody.'


'As neighbors you think
you know each other well.'

'But what you don't know
is that one of you..'

...is a thief.

[dramatic music]

Oh, it's one of those fun,
mystery dinner parties.

Let us begin.

Everyone pick up your plates.

Uh, scary voice,
my son doesn't have a plate.

(Daffy)
'Hold on.'

Here.

Thank you.

Where's the bathroom?

Just hold it.

(Daffy)
'Now, under your plate,
you'll find a number.'

Ain't no numbers
on these things.

(Daffy)
'What!'

(Daffy)
'Now, one of you has a plate
with the number five on it.'

'Who has the number five?'

- I do.
- So do I.

(Daffy)
How did that happen?

There, now you have a three.

I have a three.

Ohh.

[laughs]
What a fun party.

Everyone getting along?

Oh-ho-ho.
Oh, yes.

The voice is having us
do lots of things.

That's nice.

I, uh, think I smell
burning carrots.

Huh! My pie!

Quick, what number
do you have again?

Uh, uh, five.

Okay, you two switch plates.

Now, what number do you have?

Five.

Huh.

Open your eyes, grandma.

It's clearly a three.

You're a three.

I'm a three.

Why are you three?

I have no idea.

Do you want me to be a three?

Yes, thank you.

Finally, someone is cooperating.

[inhales deeply]

Now, who has the number three?

I'm hungry. Can we eat first
and then play the game?

It's not a game.
It's a trap.

An elaborate trap designed
to extract a confession

'from one of you dirty thieves.'

And then, we'll have
an apology party, alright.

But the apologies
are gonna be to me.

Now, one of you
stole my newspaper. Confess.

[all gasp]

Really? You're really
going there?

Yeah, I'm going there.

Where is he going?

Because if you go there,
I will go there.

And you do not wanna be
there
when I get there.

Because when I get there,
I will be so there

that you will wish
you'd stayed right here.

Me? What about you?

You don't care about
your neighbors.

You're just scared
one of them's gonna sue you.

[nervous chuckle]
You're crazy.

I'm crazy?

You're the one
who made carrot pie.

I mean, carrot pie?

Ever heard of carrot cake?

That's an actual dessert,
made with carrots.

And do you make it?
No. You make carrot pie.

A thing no one eats.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm. Mmm.

This party blows,
I'm goin' home.

Well, I'm not goin' anywhere
until I get an apology

for everything
this fool has done.

I mean, turnin' a bunch of rats
loose on Columbus Day.

Who does that?

The same jackanapes who darn
near b*rned my house down.

And by the way,
you don't go accusin'

your neighbors as stealin'
somethin' without any evidence.

Especially somethin'
as dumb as a newspaper.

I mean, come on,
read the internet.

For the last time,
I don't read it.

Hasn't anyone seen
my parade float?

You heard the witch,
uh, I mean, lady.

You owes us all an apology.

Well, say you're sorry.

Uh..

You can't say it, can you?

I can say it, uh..

Then say it.

I'm sally.

Did you just say you're Sally?

I'm saggy.

You're saggy?

I'm sarmee.

You're the worst neighbor
I ever met.

And I should know.

Before I met you, I was
the worst neighbor I ever met.

Yeah, it's still a close call.

You're the biggest monster
in this neighborhood.

That's sayin' a lot.

He's an actual monster.

[indistinct chatter]

[whistles]

I have something to say.

I like him.

[spits]

My life is so boring.

But tonight was the most fun
I've had in years.

And it's all thanks to him.

Oh-ho-ho, well,
you've got to admit

our street got a lot more
interesting when he moved in.

Huh, that is true.

It was certainly
the most memorable

Columbus Day I ever had.

I've been meanin' to ask you.

Did the rats symbolize the
colonization of the New World

by comparing the arrival
of the Europeans

to a infestation of vermin?

I didn't follow any of that.

[laughs]

What? I'm serious.

I didn't understand
anything you just said.

[laughs]

So, let me get this straight.

No one wants to sue me.

Sue you?

Come on now.

Have a little faith
in your neighbors.

That's what I said.

Mmm.

Are we ever going to eat?

Why not?

I have something
I'd like to say.

Which one of you
stole my newspaper?

I'll drink to that.

[laughter]

[theme music]

meep meep

meep meep

No newspaper, huh?

Just the mail.

Bill, junk mail, weird charity.

Ho-ho-ho-ho, huh,
how many renewal notices

is that stupid newspaper
going to send me?

crash

Huh! No one stole my newspaper.

I forgot to renew
my subscription.

bash

Ironic. Done in by
his own creation.

bang

Oop, forgot to set
my parking brake.

[theme music]

Is this the bathroom?

(Daffy)
'No! Go home!'
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