01x16 - That's My Baby

[bunniefuu]

buzz

- 'Be right there.'
- Well, that was a lie.

buzz

- 'One second.'
- One.

buzz

(Tina)
'I said I'm coming.'

What happened to this country?
No one hustles anymore.

That's why Canada's
k*lling us these days.

buzz buzz buzz

[baby squeals]

[gasps]
You have a baby?

I knew it.
I knew you were lying to me.

I thought I knew you.

I thought
you were my girlfriend.

I let myself
be vulnerable to you.

I trusted you.

Well, not anymore.
Do you hear that?

That's the sound
of my walls going back up.

Lose my number
because you are dead to me.

D-E-D, dead.

It's not my kid.
It's my sister's.

I'm babysitting.

- She's adorable.
- He's a boy.

slam

Looks like a girl.

[theme music]

- You wanna grab some lunch?
- Great. I'm starving.

- Porky's coming.
- Uh, no, thanks.

You just said you were starving.

- Change of the dynamic.
- What dynamic?

- I already ate.
- No, you didn't.

- Porky's a bummer.
- You're a bummer.

No, I'm not a bummer.
I'm a jerk. Tsk.

Uh.

[rock music]

Eh, wha-what are you
doing after lunch?

- Nothing.
- You want to do something fun?

Great.
What'd you have in mind?

- Go buy some ink.
- Ink?

For my printer.
Fun, right?

Turns out the jerk was right
about the bummer.

- Huh?
- You guys all set to order?

I'll have a-a club sandwich.

Yeah. I'll have
one of those too.

Can I start you off
with some refreshing iced tea?

Water's fine.

I'll have some
refreshing ice tea.

It's sound refreshing.

Did you wanna start
with an appetizer?

Some ooey-gooey nachos?

'Or maybe our famous
spinach artichoke poppers?'

- Nah, just the sandwich.
- They're really good.

I'll get the spinach
artichoke poppers.

Great choice.

- Unbelievable.
- What?

Don't you see
what just happened?

- What?
- Cute waitress.

Bubbly personality.

Ooey-gooey?

It was a classic upsell.

- Huh?
- Upsell.

It's when someone
gets you to buy something

you didn't even want
in the first place.

Well, you're right.

I-I don't even like spinach
o-or artichoke.

Can I get you anything else?

- No. We're good.
- Are you sure?

We have a chocolate
lava cake for dessert.

It's really good.

- Well, then I have to get it.
- Great.

And maybe some of those
ooey-gooey na-nachos.

ding dong

I'll be right there.

ding dong

One second.

ding dong ding dong

slurp

What happened to this country?

No one takes the time
to relax anymore.

That's why Canada's
k*lling us these days.

ding dong ding dong

Oh, thank goodness, you're home.

Someone called in sick at work
and I got to cover their shift.

- Can you watch him?
- Oh, I can't. I'm busy.

With what?
You don't have a job.

I got a bunch of stuff
to do around the house.

It's Bugs' house.

I promised my girlfriend
I'd help her out.

I'm your girlfriend.

Well, then, I'll watch the baby.

Well, that one kind
of backfired on me.

And if anything happens to
him
while I'm gone, I'll k*ll
you.

I can take care of a baby.
I used to be a baby.

I think. I don't really
have any memories

before the age of 15.

So what's up, man?

Not much of a talker?

What are you into?

[laughs]

You like jam bands?

I used to be in a jam band.

[guitar music]

Wait.

Hold on.

Wait.

Closer, but..

Wait.

Good jam, huh?

[crying]

Sounds like someone
wants an encore.

Wait. Hold on. Wait.

[baby crying]

What's wrong, baby?
You want something to eat?

It's a Reuben. No?

You want something to drink?

Milk? What am I, crazy?

Babies don't like milk.

How about some clam juice?
Here.

We gotta get rid of it, anyway.
It's about to expire.

You're not hungry,
you're not thirsty.

What's your problem?

[sniffs]

That better be the clam juice.

[crying]

Oh, before I ring you up,
there is just one thing...

Here it comes.

Would you be interested in
getting an extended warranty?

- And there it is.
- Uh, umm..

Are you crazy? It's ink.

All replacement parts
would be covered up to 40%.

You're not gonna need
replacement parts. It's ink.

If the product gets damaged,
we'll ship it back

to the manufacturer for you.

It's not gonna get damaged.
It's ink.

It's only an additional $15.

That's half the price
of the ink.

I'll take it.

[crying]

What's the matter with you?

Did you get a bunch of bad news

before you came over here?

You're a bigger bummer
than Porky.

[music on TV]

(man on TV)
In the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean..

Come on, guys. We're gonna
be late for choir practice.

...lives a pack of whales..

[squealing]

...trying to find their voice.

[singing]

Some trying a little
harder than the rest.

♪ Scebedi bebidi boo
baam bala ba bam ♪

♪ De de de da ba da de ♪

[squeals]

You like that?

"Marty The Whale"
in theaters now.

Well, then,
let's go to the movie.

[squealing]

boom

[g*nf*re]

Aah!

[screams]

[screaming]

chomp chomp

Popcorn?

[crying]

Shh!

Sir, you're disturbing
the other patrons.

I'm not doing anything.
Talk to him.

- Sir, please.
- 'Cause he's crying?

That's his emotional response
to the material.

You have to take your baby
outside.

Fine. I've already
seen it anyway.

Lieutenant Graves
doesn't make it!

He never sees Barbara again!

(male #1)
'Oh, come on.'

You ought to see somebody.
You're seriously depressed.

Ugh, I know how you feel.
You know what helped me?

Mommy and baby class.

We're going to one now.
You should come.

Anything to stop that crying.

- Uh, your baby?
- Huh?

[crying]

Oh, right.

Are you sure you don't
want me to carry your ink?

I'd hate for something
to happen to it.

Oh, that's right.

It doesn't matter
if something happens to it.

You've got an ink warranty.

He made it sound so important.

You must think I'm a real jerk.

No, Daffy's a jerk.
You're a bummer.

Right!

beep

- The battery's dead.
- Look on the bright side.

If this ever happens
to your ink, you're covered.

So that'll be 89 bucks.

You interested in joining
The Tow Truck Club?

No.

For just $250 a month,
you get 23 tows a year.

Who gets towed that much?

What person is breaking
down 20 times a year?

If you sign up today,
I'll throw in some free stickers

for just $10.

Free $10 stickers?

Gee, where do I sign up?

Right here.
You can use the pen after me.

[pop music]

♪ Do you like chocolates baby?
Of course you do ♪

♪ Caviar?
You like this too ♪

♪ I bring to you a rose
but still you hold your nose ♪

♪ I have a certain smell
but you know I wear it well ♪

♪ I'm a skunk
you'll get used to it ♪

♪ Hear my song
shake your caboose to it ♪

♪ Yummy yummy in my tummy
baby let's share some cheese ♪

♪ Lovey lovey missy missy
come here baby ♪

♪ Give me kissy please ♪

♪ I'll always love
and miss you ♪

♪ Skunk ♪

♪ I want to hug and kiss you ♪

♪ Funk ♪

♪ Knock knock who's there
Pepe le Pew ♪

♪ I'm on your balcony
singing to you ♪

♪ You fill me with passion
my throat has a lump ♪

♪ But you say that I smell
like a garbage dump ♪

♪ You seem to think
I'm polluting the air ♪

♪ But I am like
a fine camembert ♪

♪ Skunk ♪

♪ Lovey dovey baby sugar
honey bunny take a chance ♪

♪ Ooga-booga ooga-booga booga
come on let's dance ♪

♪ Skunk funk ♪
♪ Can you smell that baby ♪

♪ Funk skunk ♪
♪ It is getting funky in here ♪

♪ Funky skunk ♪
♪ It is getting skunky in here ♪

♪ Funky funky skunky skunky ♪

♪ Funky skunky skunky funky ♪

♪ Funk skunk ♪

♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪
♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ Went up the waterspout ♪

♪ Down came the rain ♪
♪ Down came the.. ♪

[babbling]

♪ Out came the sun ♪
♪ Out came the sun ♪

♪ And they walked him
in the rain ♪

♪ And then the guy went
blah blah ♪

♪ To something else again ♪♪

[all cheering]

Has anyone's baby reached
a new milestone this week?

Charlie smiled at his daddy
last night.

He really did.
It was amazing.

Samantha rolled over
for the first time.

(all)
Aww.

What about your little guy?

Oh, uh, him?

He, uh, learned
how to ride a bike.

[chuckles]
What?

Why, is that bad?
Is he slow?

[all laughing]

Slow.

[laughs]

squirt

[squeals]

Huh?

[rattling]

[chuckling]

Phoo!

[laughs]

(all)
Aww.

[laughs]

(all)
Oh!

Bye, ladies, see you next week.

Janet, don't give up
on sleep training.

I know it's hard,
but it's worth it.

Marsha, I promise I'll get you
the name of my pediatrician.

Keep bugging me about it though.

Mom brain.

Keep up the great work, moms!

It's the hardest job
we'll ever love.

These will be ready
next Tuesday.

But the yard sale's
this weekend.

I said next Tuesday.

[cooing]

What are you doing here?

Just out for a little stroll.

He tends to get a little
fussy this time of day.

They call it the witching hour.
You probably didn't know that.

- His favorite paci.
- Wow, I'm impressed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

- My shift just ended.
- Already?

Can't you work overtime
or something?

Swing shift, graveyard shift?

I mean, you got
to put in the hours

'if you're gonna break
through that glass ceiling.'

We're going to the park.

You forgot his schmoopie.

We have a compact car available
or for just an extra $49 a day

we can upgrade you to a minivan.

- I'll take it.
- Great, let me get your key.

A minivan?
What are you, a soccer mom?

What happened to all my money?

Appetizers, warranties,
free stickers

and don't forget you're on
the hook to The Tow Truck
Club

for three grand a year.

You're right,
I fall for it every time.

No more upsells, I promise.

You're all set.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Would you like insurance?

It's just an additional
$3 a day.

I don't know what kind of fool
you take me for

but I'm not interested
in your insurance.

Uh, Porky, I think
you should get the insurance.

- It's an upsell.
- No.

Artichoke poppers are an upsell.

Insurance is practical.

- Eh, wha-what...
- Just get it.

It's hardly any money
and if anything happens

you're covered.

No insurance, just the van.

Ow.

It's starting to bruise.

[children laughing]

He doesn't like it
when you do that.

You're holding the bottle wrong.

That's not even
the right nipple.

We switched to soy formula.

Just let me do it.

What is wrong with you?

I'll tell you
what's wrong with me.

You think what you do is
so important because you work.

Well, I work just as hard as you

and I don't even get a paycheck.

You've never gotten a paycheck.

I'm so busy taking care of him

I can't even tell you
the last time I took a shower.

You never shower.

Uh, that's because
I care about the Earth.

The point is raising
a baby is hard work.

And it's twice as hard
when you do it alone.

I'm just so tired.

You've known him for one day.

You don't even know
the baby's name.

His name's not Baby?

[gasps]
Where's Baby?

[gasps]

Zachary!

Zachary?

Baby's a better name
than Zachary.

It is roomy.
I'll give it that.

[both screaming]

[both screaming]

[both screaming]

screech

crash

Baby.

He doesn't like it
when you do that.

[hissing]

I probably should have
gotten the insurance.

Thanks again for watching him.

I wanna start a family with you.

What?

I finally realize what I was

put on this Earth to do.
Be a mother.

Or was it to open
a frozen yogurt shop?

Yes, that is exactly what
I was put on this Earth to
do.

I'll be known for my toppings.

No, no toppings.
Just yogurt.

The best yogurt.
That's what I'll be known
for.

With tons of flavors. No!

One flavor
with tons of toppings!

[instrumental music]

[wind howling]

thud

thud

[electricity crackling]

[horn honking]

[rumbling]

[horn honks]

Beep beep.

- Okay, so just the pizza?
- Yep.

That'll be 14.99.

You know, for just a couple
of dollars more

I could throw in a 2 liter soda
and some breadsticks.

Eh...

Or for an even $20

you get the soda,
you get the breadsticks

and you get
the cinnamonbreadsticks.

They're just like the regular
breadsticks, but with cinnamon.

Cinnamon, huh?

- For the dessert.
- Alright. I'll take it.

Classic upsell.

[chuckles]

[theme music]

[stammering]
That all fo..

[stomach grumbles]
Oh. I-I shouldn't had
those artichoke poppers.