01x19 - Off-Duty Cop

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
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01x19 - Off-Duty Cop

Post by bunniefuu »

[instrumental music]

Umh! The only thing better
than a third cup of coffee?

A fourth cup of coffee.

[instrumental music]

Come on, we're gonna be late.

- Late for what?
- To meet Steve St. James.

- Who?
- Steve St. James!

He was the off duty cop
on the hit show "Off Duty Cop."

That old TV show about
the detective and his butler?

Chauffeur.

Why would a detective
have a chauffeur?

Because he was
Steve St. James, the
detective

who couldn't let justice
sleep
just because he was off duty.

So he had a chauffeur
drive him around

to make justice not sleep.

I need another cup of coffee.

Come on, he's making
an appearance at the mall.

I can't. I got
a doctor's appointment.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.
It's my yearly physical.

When was the last time
you got one?

Never. I've never been
to the doctor.

I'm the picture of health.

[coughs]

My hip. Ooh! Ooh!

What is that sh**ting pain?

(Daffy)
'Ah! Numbness. Tingling.'

'Cramping.'

[glass breaks]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[stuttering]
Thanks for
inviting me, Daffy.

Isn't it funny
how you're always available?

No matter how last second,
you never have other plans.

Like you don't really
have a life.

[laughs]

Yeah, that is funny.

N-Now, who's t-this
Steve St. James?

Steve St. James.

"Off Duty Cop."

Gimme your phone.

[stuttering]
When are you
gonna get a phone?

Never. Cell phones
are like doctors.

The calling plans are confusing,
the buttons are too small.

But, huh?

Just watch this.

[instrumental music]

(Porky)
'Oh, is this the old show'

'about the, the detective
and his butler?'

(Daffy)
'Oh! Chauffeur.'

[instrumental music]

(Porky)
'Okay, I get it.'

'I don't need to see any more.'

(Daffy)
'You're missing it.'

[instrumental music]

(Daffy)
'Yeah, give it to him, Steve.'

[instrumental music]

(Porky)
'Eh, does he, does he handcuff
everyone he meets?'

(Daffy)
'Shush.'

[instrumental music]

(Porky)
'How long are these
opening credits?'

[instrumental music]

[Porky stammering]
'Daffy, I get it.'

'Gimme my phone.'

So to answer your question,
that's Steve St. James.

[gasps]

Steve St. James!

Wow!
I'm your biggest fan.

Well, thank you very much.

Would you like
a signed copy of my book?

Nah, books are like
cell phones and doctors.

Takes forever
to get an appointment

and I don't have insurance.

Will you sign my beak?

Ugh.

I can't see it.

Sign his face.

"Leslie Hunt?"

Who's she?

I'm Leslie Hunt.

You're Steve St. James.

No, Steve St. James is
a character that I played on TV.

- I'm Leslie Hunt.
- Who?

I thought you said
you were my biggest fan.

I'm Steve St. James'
biggest fan.

And you're
no Steve St. James.

That's what I said.

That's what I said.

Ugh! I need
a cup of coffee.

[instrumental music]

Well, if he's not gonna be
Steve St. James, then I will.

Eh, b-b-but, Daffy,
that's stealing.

You'd make a great chauffeur.

Ahh.

[humming]

Hello.
Don't say it.

- What's up, doc?
- He said it.

Are you okay?

You seem a little jittery.

Jittery?
I'm not jittery.

If anyone's jittery,
you're jittery.

I'm not jittery.

Ahh. So, do I have
a clean bill of health?

Everything looks fine.

Great.
See you next year.

Whoa. There is
just one thing.

I knew it! I knew
you were hiding something.

How long do I have?

A year? A month? A day?
Am I contagious?

If I'm contagious,
then those people need to know.

You owe it to them!

I'm highly contagious!

Run for your lives!

[screaming]

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

What kind of a doctor are you?

You're probably
not even a real doctor.

"Syracuse?"

That's a basketball school.

I was just gonna say that

I think you should stop
drinking coffee for a while.

You have too much
caffeine in your system.

It's what's makin' you so tense.

Oh.
Cut out coffee.

No problem.
Ahem.

You could probably
just tape this.

Oh, right, no caffeine.

[doorbell rings]

I'm sorry to bother you.

But can I just have
30 seconds of your time

to tell you about a product
that could change your life?

[doorbell rings]

Sam.

This product differs
from other similar products

because of
it's unique ingredients.

I'm not interested.

It's like coffee,
but without the caffeine.

- What's like coffee?
- Spargle.

While coffee leaves you
feeling jittery

Spargle will leave you
feelin' rested and alert.

When did you
get into this racket?

Uh! I needed money quick.

They said
they were gonna take my
house.

I, I-I mean, uh,
I believe in the product.

Tastes weird.

Those are the Spargler berries.

Wow. Could this be
working already?

I don't know.

You won't catch me
drinkin' that stuff.

- I'll take 'em.
- How many?

- All of them.
- Cha-ching.

I mean, uh,
it'll change your life.

[instrumental music]

[stuttering]
Where are we going, Daffy?

I'm no longer Daffy.

I'm Steve St. James,
off duty cop.

And we're going
wherever justice is sleeping

and needs to be woken up by me,
Steve St. James, off duty cop.

So I just keep going straight?

Pull over.

No, park illegally.

More illegally. Like you don't
have time to play by the rules.

[sighs]

Ahem.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, sorry.

[instrumental music]

Will you marry me?

(Daffy)
'Freeze.'

- But he was...
- I know what he was doing.

He was stealing your ring

and beautifully placing it
in this elegant box.

- No, I was...
- Assaulting her.

And that's a Code 9.

I'm might be off duty,
but I'm not off my game.

Looks like your meter's expired.

Call me if you have
any more trouble, ma'am.

Day or night.
Well, never before 11:00 am.

And don't call after 5:00,
and also, when you call

it'll be my roommate's voice
on the answering machine.

I don't know how to change it.

Also, I don't know
how to access messages.

(Daffy)
'So just keep calling.
Anytime.'

'Day or night.'

Between 11:00 and 5:00.

And not on weekends.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[engine starting]

[engine revving]

I have so much energy.

What to do? What to do?
What to do?

It's early, but I guess
I could make dinner.

Ha ha!

Hmm. Now what?

Oh, there's that book
I always wanted to write.

[instrumental music]

The end.

June.. I don't think
that's too early

to put up Christmas decorations.

[instrumental music]

Merry Christmas!

Well, I say that was
a solid day's work.

Wherever justice tried to sleep,
we were there to wake it up.

Good work, chauffeur.

Are you sure the chauffeur
doesn't have a name?

Nope, just chauffeur.

[stuttering]
Why is your house covered
in Christmas decorations?

Isn't it always like that?

Oh, hi.
Hey.

I hope you don't mind.

I did a few things
around the house.

I painted the garage,
I resurfaced the swimming pool.

Oh, and I moved everything

that was in your room
into the kitchen.

But if you don't like it.
I can move it back, no problem.

I just have three hours
left on the treadmill.

But after that,
I definitely can move

your stuff
back into your bedroom.

Unless you want me
to move it into the garage.

I just painted it.

- Are you okay?
- Never better.

Never, ever, ever better.

Are you guys itchy?

Huh. I like it.


Closer to the fridge.

So you're saying the
chauffeur
was in every episode

and they never give him a name?

I'll prove it to you.

St. James, have your
chauffeur
bring the car around?

He's a human being, chief.

He has a name.
Brandon Steel.

Use it.

I do, every time I address him.

Oh, Brandon.

Thank goodness you're here.

Hmm. That was
a stupid episode.

Have you guys seen any Spargles
that still have Spargle in them?

I'm all out of Spargle
and I need some Spargle.

You know what I mean?

- What is wrong with you?
- Nothing.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I gotta get more Spargle.

Hee hee hee!

Uhh!

Something tells me justice
is about to get a wake up call.

(Bugs)
'Where's the Spargle?
He's gotta have it somewhere.'

'Where is it?
I think it's here somewhere.'

'Where's the Spargle?
Where is it?'

What in tarnation
are you doin' in my house?

Oh. Uh, I-I was just..
Uh, I figured I'd stop by.

I saw the window was unlocked.

It seemed like a great time
to come over and hang out.

I thought I was the only one

who broke into
people's houses to hang out.

Say, you know what goes
well with hanging out?

Spargle. Do you have
anymore Spargle?

I could really go
for some Spargle.

Don't got no more.

- You bought it all.
- What?

But I really need it.

I said I don't got no more.

Well, you gotta hook it up.

Uh, I guess I could
take you to my supplier.

- 'Let's go now.'
- 'Well, fine.'

'Lemme throw on some jeans.'

I said now.

I always knew
Bugs was a criminal.

Chauffeur, looks like
we're going for a little drive.

[instrumental music]

Hello, darlin'.
You probably know me.

I'm a Spargle sales
representative.

We have a lot of
sales representatives.

Heh heh heh.

Yeah, well, I bet
you don't have a lot

that sell a month's
supply in one day.

See that guy over there?

The one talking to that plant?

I moved one of the bedrooms
into the kitchen

but I think it'd look better in
the garage. I just painted it.

Well, thanks to him, your
company's about to get rich.

And so am I, 'cause I get
four cents on very can.

Freeze!

You're all under arrest.

Daffy, do not blow this deal.

My name is Steve St. James,
and you're coming with me.

I'm not goin' anywhere
without my Spargle.

Aah!

[instrumental music]

bang

Aah!

[music continues]

[cat shrieking]

(Bugs)
'I just want my Spargle.'

- Put down the pen!
- Put down the stapler.

Or I'll write all over
the pig's face.

Why does everyone
wanna write on my face?

- Just give me my Spargle!
- Put down the pen!

[stammering]
It's permanent ink!

I said give me my Spa...

- Put it down!
- Permanent!

I'm not leavin' here
until you give me my Spargle.

I said put it down.

[stuttering]
It won't come off!

[whistles]

This is a place of business.

These are hardworkin' people

who simply want to sell
a quality product.

What in tarnation
is illegal about that?

You're all under arrest.

[screams]

What's goin' on here?

This whole operation's a scam.

These things are filled with

dangerous,
highly addictive chemicals.

But what about
the Spargler berries?

Somebody get that guy
to a doctor.

[sobs]

Am I under arrest?

I'm just a innocent
sales representative.

Well, that all depends,
did you know

you were selling
a dangerous product?

[instrumental music]

Thanks for helpin' out.

I'll take it from here.

Who are you?

Steve St. James,
off duty cop.

Arrest this one, too.

What did I do?

You've been impersonating a cop

and handcuffing people
all over town.

What about him? He's been
impersonating a chauffeur.

That's not illegal.

It's pathetic,
but it's not illegal.

Get this guy out of my face.

I'm putting you down
as a witness

so I'm gonna need
your name, too.

Eh, buh, buh, B-Brandon Steel.

I'm just gonna put chauffeur.

Huh!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

thud

[instrumental music]

[elevator dings]

[elevator dings]

clank clank

meep meep

[elevator dings]

meep meep

[sighs]

Well, the doctor says

one cup of coffee
a day can't hurt.

Ahem.

Do you mind?

[theme music]

That's all, folks.
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