02x12 - Love Unlimited

[bunniefuu]

So, you didn't date in Chicago?

No, the women there wanted Sammy Sosa.

-What about you?
-George Clooney.

No. I meant, have you been dating
since I left?

I'm sure I must have.
I just can't remember anybody now.

-I see.
-Well...

...I'd invite you in, but I'm afraid
you and Renee would sing a duet.

-I see.
-ls that all you say, "l see"?

Let me begin this second go-around by
just walking you to your door.

I like that word, "begin. "

-Call me?
-I'll think about it.

Love Unlimited

-Did you kiss?
-Not really. Just a short, soft....

I'm taking it real slow.
And even better...

...he wants to take it slow. And when
a guy wants to take it slow....

-I better get to work.
-Yeah, you better.

-Hey!
-Hey, how's it going?

-You look....
-What?

Ally, Billy, I need you. New client.
Conference room. 1 0 minutes.

Hello.

Ling, why are you always here?

She's suing the environment.

-ls that possible?
-Let me defend her.

Activists claim trees have rights.
T rees can sue you. Why not sue trees?

-Nelle?
-Yes, Georgia?

It's one thing to say that. Why do we
have to be the lawyers doing it?

I just want to tie you up in court
while I tie up Billy.

Kidding.

You think that's funny?

I took the case, not Nelle.
Bygones.

We've got bigger fish to fry.

Kimberly Goodman. Husband wants an
annulment. Ally and I will take it.

-On what grounds?
-lncompetence. He's a sexaholic.

Says he was under the influence
of the dumb-stick during the ceremony.

-Surely, you're making that up?
-Off we go. Good lawyers, everyone.

Ally, she's in my office.

Are you and Greg Butters dating again?

-Elaine!
-I only ask because I care.

-You don't want to get squished again.
-You're afraid I'll get squished?

-That, and he's here.
-Hi.

I did not get squished.

I thought I'd stop by in person,
put you on the spot.

How about tonight?

Tonight?
Well, I have to check my schedule.

You're free. Like every night.

Thank you, Elaine.

-Tonight will be fine.
-Great.

-Pick you up here?
-No.

-Pick me up at home, like a gentleman.
-I'll wear a tie.

There must be someone to tell.

-Everything all right?
-Fine.

-Why are you standing like that?
-I need mental help.

-Why?
-I feel happy. I' m just not equipped.

I have a noon appointment with T racy.
You take it.

I've got a little Nelle anxiety.
Nothing so serious as " happy. "

I bet she'd take us together.

Nine years we were married.

I didn't think he could get
an annulment.

But my lawyer told me it could happen.
His niche is trademark law.

That's why I thought I better have
an expert on divorce law.

-Which you are, right?
-Yes, it's our specialty.

-Richard. No, it's not our specialty.
-But I took a class in it.

-We can do it.
-This isn't just about money to me...

...though there is a lot involved.
I've been a housewife for nine years.

-The idea a court could nullify that?
-That court can't nullify your life.

My children are 7 and 9,
and it's important to me that....

I don't want a judge to rule that their
parents married in an act of insanity.

We're not gonna let that happen.

I promise you.

-Never make promises.
-But wiping out an entire marriage?

-More divorce lawyers are trying it.
-I start to believe in love again....

I' m so glad I have a career.
Nobody can make my life meaningless.

You can say what you want about me,
but I am in control of my world.

You're seeking treatment
for happiness.

Who cares? T ell her anything.
T ell her I'm dead!

-Why are there two people here?
-Who are you?

Dr. Nickle. Dr. Tracy is in California
pitching tofu. Who's the sick one?

-Him.
-Her.

You must be John. You're in therapy
and you decided to bring a date?

Where's your popcorn?

This is Ally McBeal.
We're both...

...patients of Tracy's.
And since we both fear relationships--

You've decided to team up? Fine!

Theme song. You first.

I'm not singing my theme song
to a stranger.

Hey, Spanky! You go.

-No.
-No?

Look, I'd like to help...

...but people who come in tandem and
refuse to sing their theme songs....

-ls this the way to--?
-Shut up!

I'm speaking now. Do you talk
to the screen at movies too?

No. But sometimes I just walk out.

Great. I' m just gonna need you...

-...to sign a release.
-A release?

Basically, it says if you jump
out a window, we're not liable.

So, back to you, stuttering John.
How's everything in Poughkeepsie?

-Poop.
-Poop?

Now, that's progress.
Tracy will be real pleased.

People don't take me seriously.

-Ling, you're suing a tree.
-I'm counter claiming.

-The glare.
-I don't think you take me seriously.

I'm trying. But what am l?
Are we serious?

We haven't even had sex.

We've kissed. I let you brush
against my breasts in the elevator.

Yeah, only when it's crowded.

All kidding aside....

Ling...

...do you not like sex?

-It's messy.
-I'm good at cleaning up after myself.

Do you think maybe counseling?

Why is it so important to a man?

-Sex?
-Yes. What happened to intimacy?

Emotion? T enderness?

We have been dating for four months.

Nelle hasn't had sex
with the funny little man.

I don't know about that. I' m concerned
more about us. If we are an " us. "

-I like foreplay.
-I'd be happy with "three-play. "

There are other things besides
intercourse and wattle.

I need to know
if we're going anywhere.

-Stick out your index finger.
-Excuse me?

-Let me have it.
-My--?

Most people don't even know
the finger is erogenous.

Ever tried this before?

Ever tried that before?

Only after eating chicken,
but it's not the same.

-Do you like that?
-Yes.

There are things besides intercourse,
if you'd look beyond your dumb-stick!

-Ready?
-Let's go.

Ally, I was thinking
maybe we don't need Tracy.

Maybe we could bounce our
problems off each other.

-You think?
-I'm comfortable talking with you.

-I think that you are with me.
-Well, okay.

-John.
-Nelle, hi.

Late for court?

-Dinner tomorrow night?
-Sure, that....

Don't start playing hard to get.

I might just give up
and start going after Billy.

Kidding.

Just, you know,
for my own education...

...what exactly do you see in her?

I married her
because she's beautiful.

-So do many men, Mr. Goodman.
-But I wasn't acting out of free will.

My sexual obsessive-compulsive
behavior affects my mental competence.

-Your mental competence?
-I was crazy.

Move to strike.
Any man's crazy to get married.

Withdrawn.

You married her out of a mental
infirmity caused by a raging libido.

I have a sexual compulsion.

I married her
to make love regularly...

...thinking if anything could cure
my lusting after other women....

Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

-You still want her?
-Yes. I also want others.

-Why not cheat? You're married.
-She wants a divorce.

And you being wealthy, my client
would realize a large amount of money.

-I suppose.
-You suppose.

But if the marriage were nullified,
she wouldn't get anything.

This sickness gets you off cheap.

-Objection.
-Withdrawal. You took a vow.

A vow, "Till death do you part. "
See any dead people here?

-Objection!
-Withdrawal. Why not divorce?

-Why an annulment?
-I was not of sound mind...

...when I committed the act
of marriage.

There was no competent meeting of the
minds necessary for a valid contract.

-Good legal buzzwords.
-Badgering.

Nine years. Two kids. You say,
"Strike that from the record. "

I' m not a well man.
You think I'm proud?

-Will you be proud to avoid alimony?
-Objection!

Kimberly, I'm sorry to hurt you
this way.

She's not the victim here.
You are. Remember?

You're the victim.

-Do you want to sleep with John Cage?
-I like him. Why don't you understand?

I'm not questioning you liking him.
It's just....

Am I strange not to be wanting...

-...it?
-You can't even say "it," can you?

I can say "it," I just don't.

Whenever I say the word,
it drives men crazy.

-Even some women.
-When you say the word "sex"?

-Yes.
-The way you say it drives men crazy?

-Yes.
-What's special about how you say it?

-lf I knew, I'd change it. Believe me.
-Say it.

-Not a chance!
-Ling, it's just you and me. Say it.

Sex.

One more time.

Sex.

-Ally? Ally McBeal. Hi.
-Yeah. Hi.

I'm Laura Dipson,
Vice President of Women for Progress.

You have been nominated as this year's
role model for professionals.

-I beg your pardon?
-ln the next Working Women magazine.

-I don't wanna be a role model.
-You really have no choice.

You'll love it. We do need
to adjust the way you dress.

And I'd like to fatten you up.
We're not glamorizing that thin thing.

-Wait a second! Who are you?
-I told you. Laura Dipson.

My sources tell me that you feel
an emotional void without a man?

I don't want them looking at me
at all!

Don't be pissy!
You'll do what we tell you to do.

Now drop that emotional slut thing
and be who we want you to be.

Nothing more. Nothing less.
Can you do that, pinhead?

-You bit off her nose?
-Yes, and I got blood on my outfit.

Okay. But what does
this dream have to do with Greg?

I think that it's my idea
of a relationship or something....

-Which is?
-I want somebody I can be weak with.

Somebody who will hold me
and make me feel held.

But, can't you have that...

-...without biting off a woman's nose?
-Don't you get it, John?

I crave dependency, which makes me
feel like a failure as a woman!

I dreamt my face was on the cover of
Time magazine as the face of feminism.

You took a moment. I saw that.

You' re really afraid
of becoming dependent?

I look at Kimberly Goodman. She put
her whole life into a marriage....

You don't have to stop your life
to love somebody.

You have to take some kind
of emotional free fall to--

Listen to me. I sound just like you.
Fear of splat.

"Splat"?

I lecture John
about not taking chances, while--

I' m just telling you this in case.
If I turn rigid, don't give up on me.

You really got hurt, didn't you?

With Billy.

Just a little.

Have you loved anybody since?

Well.... No.

Are you afraid
of loving somebody again?

Don't be ridic-- Well, yeah.
But I'm working on it.

I got a new theme song.

It used to be "T ell Him. "
Now, it's "Ooh, Ooh, Child. "

"Ooh, Ooh, Child"?

-I know that song.
-You do?

Renee.

Kidding. Just playing through.

Actually, I have a date too.

So, where were we?

Somebody's making progress.
How are you and Nelle?

I sense an impending breakthrough.
I switched colognes.

-How about you and Ling?
-I'm wondering if she really likes me.

Of course she likes you.
I saw her smile once.

I think she likes me
because I seem emotionally void.

There's safety in void.

-You're falling for her?
-Maybe.

Maybe you should try some Barry White.

-lt loosens the romantic muscles.
-I don't know.

Somebody's in love.

It's basically an addiction. Sex
becomes the center of their lives.

You qualify this as a disability?

I qualify it as a compulsive disorder
that overcomes free will.

What's to stop any man
caught with his pants down...

...from saying, " l' m an addict"?

We can't stop them.
Establishing it is different.

T ell me what establishes it.

It's when people use sex
as a mood-altering device.

Like using dr*gs
to cope with relational pain.

It's like dr*gs?

Yes. People use sex to get a "high. "

And, like dr*gs, they need
bigger doses to get that high.

-You diagnosed Mr. Goodman?
-Yes. He suffered childhood abuse.

He feels powerless, out of control.
Not just sexually, but in life.

Could this extend
to a decision to marry?

Without question.

-Don't many men marry out of lust?
-Absolutely.

-Should we nullify those?
-Being influenced...

...is different than
becoming powerless.

You' re not saying he didn't know
what he was doing.

No.

Or that he didn't know
marriage was legally binding.

No.

So this mental competency thing--

He knew the nature of his act
when he married her?

As does an alcoholic when he drinks.

-lt doesn't mean he has control.
-He had no control?

Addicts can't control their behavior.
It's the symptom of addiction.

I'm hurt.

I began to realize all he wanted
was just physical.

Did you know about his affairs?

Not until a year ago.
It hit me like a b*mb.

-But you stayed.
-We have two children.

-I tried to work it out.
-Did you two seek counseling?

Oh, yes. We saw this woman
who came highly recommended.

-He tried to sleep with her.
-The counselor?

He wasn't just unfaithful.
He was pathological.

He was an addict.
Things wouldn't change.

-So you filed for divorce?
-Yes.

Did he decide he was mentally
incompetent after he met his lawyer?

-Objection.
-Rephrase.

When did he decide to nullify it...

...as a means
to avoid paying alimony...

...as law and morality require?

-Objection!
-Overruled!

If you could say anything
to your husband right now...

...what would it be?

I suppose I'd tell him...

...no matter what his problems are...

...they shouldn't nullify the fact
that we've been married for 9 years.

He may not want to call it real,
but it was very real to me.

She stipulated to the addiction,
if not the insanity!

Even if he's insane,
couldn't we argue--

Every man is insane to marry?
That didn't score.

Are we going out? I feel like fun.

And you look like it, Ling.

Shouldn't you be
out somewhere in love?

Down to the bar. Let's go.

Excuse me.

I thought you and Nelle
were going out?

-I canceled.
-What?

-Not to worry. I have a plan.
-What sort?

I think she has a spontaneity fetish.

I said I had to work late.
If she'd wait, we'd go for a drink.

Then, when everybody's gone,
I'll go to her and....

Well, what does...

...that mean?

I'm going to Don Juan her.

I'm excited.

Nelle. Hello.

Hello.

I'll get myself ready.

And now there's pressure.

I thought you were going out.

We switched to lunch.
If I don't nail this closing--

Do you think it's significant...

...that as I begin
to date somebody that may be--

My case says, "Don't trust passion...

...because even when you think
you've found love...

...it's temporary,
even after nine years...

...because the statute of limitations
never runs out...

...on his right to rip you
into shreds. " Do you think?

You know, that's exactly
what I've been stuck on.

This woman thought she had it.
She's a smart woman.

-I thought I had it with Billy.
-You did.

Not as much as I thought.

-He met somebody else!
-You had it.

Maybe that's what scares me
the most.

As soon as you've found love...
you've had it.

I can't.

Oh, John.

Calm down!

Never tell a person to calm
down when he's agitated!

Yeah.

You think you're the first
to panic over--

-Was it performance anxiety?
-Renee!

-Because that's big with lawyers.
-Go!

It wasn't that.
Everything was working physically.

Well, then what was it?

It just felt wrong.

Then you did
absolutely the right thing!

You might've discussed it with Nelle
before sprinting, but you were noble.

I admire you for not
going through with it.

But, John, you have got
to talk to Nelle.

He got her clothes off?

I' m just being concerned. Naked?

Stop! I shouldn't be telling you.
It's just he seemed--

-Did he say why he ran away?
-lt felt wrong.

Sex for men, when it's wrong,
it's still right. Where is he?

I told him to talk to Nelle.

-Hi. Are we ready?
-All set. Ally will close.

-You are ready?
-I think so.

-Common sense is on our side.
-I got it.

There was a defect in the marriage. His
addiction caused a mental incapacity.

Classic grounds for annulment.
He's not alone in claiming the defect.

Mrs. Goodman acknowledged it
when she filed for divorce.

There was never a decision
to live together...

...that can be established
to be of sound mind.

T extbook annulment.

-That's dumb.
-ls "dumb" the legal definition?

Alimony comes down to fairness.

Whatever his problems,
which couldn't be kept in check...

...she endured for nine years.
She cared for the children--

The problem is that the fairness
issue presupposes a valid union.

Here, technically,
it might have been invalid.

And that's dumb.

We're back to legal definitions.

If we hold up marriage ceremonies
to standards of sanity, watch out.

People run off to Las Vegas
on their first dates.

Many make horrendous
decisions out of passion.

We enforce those marriages.

There is a difference between
recklessness and insanity.

He knew what he was doing,
even if he was led by Mr. Helmet Head.

" Mr. Helmet Head "?

Love, by definition, is crazy!

" l' m crazy about him! Mad about her! "

They fall "ass over tea kettle. "
What does that mean?

It's nonsense!
We excuse it because it's about love.

Love doesn't make sense.

People fall in love for insanities
and we don't legislate the reasons.

But once they take vows...

...and get that legal piece of paper
and start having kids...

...we take that seriously.
We call it an institution.

For this man to vaccinate any woman
he can convince to play doctor--

For him to indulge his affliction at the
expense of his wife and children--

For him to skirt financial
and moral responsibility...

... because he found a lawyer
and a shrink to call him disabled--

For him to get an order
saying she was never married...

...when she led
an exemplary married life--

For him to say he's addicted to love,
sex, lying and cheating--

For him to parade his penis like
he qualifies for handicapped parking--

How dare you subject her to this?

How dare you subject your kids to it?
How dare you live...

...you giant ass?

I don't know if I could convey
how sorry I am.

Nor do I know...

...if it would even
make any difference.

I've been holding back.

I thought because I was afraid
of falling in love with you.

And I'd get hurt.

But I think that my real fear...

...it's not that l'd
fall in love with you.

It's that I never would.

You represent...

...the girl I could never get
in high school.

I was the kid who stood
in the corners at the dances.

I only dreamt about--

And when I'm with you,
it's like I'm living my fantasy.

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

And it's all I'm doing.

You don't really get me...

...and I don't really get you.

I think what I'm trying to say--

You've met somebody.

-No, I haven't.
-Yes, you have.

You say I don't get you, I can't
connect with your inner worlds.

Know anybody who does? Anybody you
run to when you need to talk?

Anybody who connects
with your dream world?

There is somebody.

But judging by the look
I see on her face lately...

...you may have waited too long.

Excuse me.

Hey.

Billy, hey.

How's Georgette?

-Georgia.
-Whatever.

Everything okay?

Sure. I just--

Patriots. Hartford.

Everything's fine.

I give the petitioner points...

...and the petitioner's counsel for
making viable a case for annulment...

...that flies in the face
of common sense.

And l' m horrified to admit...

...it's a winning argument.

My only solace
is that the law can go either way.

And you got one of my favorite judges.

Me.

I share Ms. McBeal's disgust.

And to spice it
with a little of my own...

...I order the petitioner
pay Mrs. Goodman's legal fees.

Petition for annulment denied.

Our rates just sh*t up!

-All your closings that passionate?
-Some more than others.

You take that marriage institution
thing seriously.

Don't you?

I like marriage,
but I only plan to do it once.

I had this favorite song
in high school.

I never told anybody.

It was Anne Murray, and my friends
wouldn't let me think it was cool.

It was called,
" Can I Have This Dance? "

It was about--

I don't know.
Happily ever after or something.

-How did it go?
-You won't get me to sing.

I don't know the song. How did it go?

Well....

Come on.

You stinker!