01x15 - Thorapy

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, what a spread. Eggs,
meats, cheese, pâtisserie.

What is this, breakfast for
one at Ben Franklin's house?

Oh, well, we just wanted
to surprise you guys.

Please tell Sass that I looked
up the traditional Lenape recipe

for corn bread, okay?

Mmm, just like kohèsa used to make.

That means "mom." And
now I miss my mom. Cool.

Oh, my God.

The Women of Wall
Street Swimsuit Calendar.

But when I said I wanted it,
you called me a "big-time perv."

Yeah, but then I thought
about it, and hey,

it's not that misogynistic
that they asked a bunch of MBAs

to wear bikinis for a photo sh**t.

So, yay, enjoy smelling breakfast.

Oh, you guys, this is so nice.

I don't know.

This whole breakfast
reminds me of when my parents

took me to Toys "R" Us
right before they told me

they were getting a divorce.

ALBERTA: [GASPS] Oh, my God.

Sam and Jay are getting a divorce.

Guys, no. [LAUGHS]

Geez, we are not getting a divorce.

That said, we did want to talk to you,

because since we're four weeks
away from opening the B&B,

we need to start getting
the bedrooms ready.

Bedroom... Which bedrooms? Our bedrooms?

Well, four of them. So we're
gonna need you guys to bunk up.

Unless you want to be walked
through by painters and handymen

and, God willing, guests.

- [ALL GROANING]
- Well, now those waffles

smell like deception.

[SNIFFS] Mmm. And vanilla.

Nice touch.

♪

SAMANTHA: Okay, so big congratulations

to Alberta and Flower for agreeing

to be our first roommate pair.

I haven't had roommates since the cult.

We were like sisters.

Well, technically, sister-wives,

because of the sex.

HETTY: Well, now there's an
uneven number of men and women,

so I guess I'm on my own.

Sorry, Hetty, there's no room for that.

Why don't you just bunk with Isaac?

Why would that be okay?

Because, well, you guys
are old-timey and stuff.

HETTY: It's true, we are
of a similar elevated status

and share a mutual appreciation
of the finer things.

Well, I suppose if we must cohabitate,

I could do much worse
than the lady of the house.

Of course, as man and
woman, we will have to resist

our natural impulses, but I
think we're up to the task.

The Victorian age had
themselves some blind spots.

Okay, time to discuss elephant in room.

Who get Thor? Everyone
want but only one can have.

SAMANTHA: Totally. Right, yeah.

I sort of assumed that Sasappis
would just move in with you.

SASAPPIS: And I'll be the first to say

that I do want that, very badly.

You know, I mean, who-who
doesn't want to room with Thor?

You know, he's got the biggest room,

and more importantly, that TV.

I call it. I'm rooming with Thor.

- Darn it.
- And Thor taken.

Too slow, Sass.

Yeah, suck it, Sass.

So sad for me. I take Pete.

Wow. I mean, I am the last one left,

but color me flattered.

And you will have nothing short

of a five-star experience in Casa Pete.

I'll even let you choose
where you'd like to sleep,

the bed or the floor.

- Bed.
- Great choice.

NIGEL: I'm just saying,

the Stamp Act wasn't so bad.

You Revolutionaries were so dramatic.

Well, I'll give you this, Nigel,
if Patrick Henry trotted out

that "Give me liberty or give
me death" line one more time,

I would have puked.

It's like, "We're at
a party, Pat. Relax."

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, this is my stop.
Same time tomorrow?

Um...

There was one thing.

- Oh.
- Uh...

You know I've enjoyed
our daily walks, and...

I've been considering your
new lodging requirements,

and I thought that,

should you find it more amenable,

you would be more than welcome

to spend your nights in the shed.

- With me.
- Um, where, precisely,

would I be sleeping?

Well, my cot, while flimsy,

can support two persons of
technical weightlessness.

You are too kind, and, um...
but I should think that, uh,

one cot would be quite
crowded for two people.

And, um, I'm a roller.

I keep rolling. I roll a lot, actually.

Sometimes clear off the bed, and, um...

You know what?

TREVOR: Sam!

Hey, you know the rules.
No ghosts in our bedroom.

We got a problem.

No, no, no. No.

[GRUNTING]: Thor's fault.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, see, he's been
doing this, like, an hour.

I can't sleep like this.

- Have you tried waking him up?
- I'm not gonna do that.

He could split me in two with his axe.

I would pop back together,
but it's not pleasant.

- [GRUNTING]
- Thor.

- Thorfinn.
- [WHISPERS]: Careful.

- Ah, t*rture.
- Thor.

[SHOUTING]

[SCREAMS] [GASPS]

Thor, Thor.

It-it's me and Trevor. No, just...

You were having a nightmare.

How do you know that? Can
you see in Thor's mind?

What sort of dark magic is this?

Uh, no, we know because you're
going psycho in your sleep.

W-what are you dreaming about?

That none of Trevor's business.

How do you know Thor even dreaming?

Maybe you're asleep and
this is dream you're having.

Okay, well, it seems
like the dream is over

and I guess he's fine.

So we should all just get some shut-eye.

TREVOR: Yeah, I guess he seems better.

THORFINN: Die!

Brains!

TREVOR: Oy vey.

I know I'm already dead, but k*ll me.

Oh, the night didn't get any better?

- Trevor just came in.
- JAY: Hey, No Pants.

Good morning. [SNIFFS]

Man, that coffee smells delicious.

Sass just came in, super chipper.

Wait a minute. You never wanted to room

with Thor in the first place, did you?

You tricked me. You tricked me.

- You knew about the nightmares.
- Okay, yes.

After I d*ed, the two
of us shared a wigwam.

It was t*rture.

Hold on, you're telling me
that Thor has been having

the same night terrors for years?

- At least.
- And he won't talk about them?

The dude needs help.

Seriously, we got to get that Viking

- to a therapist.
- Can you imagine?

Trevor just joked that
Thor needs therapy.

That's actually a great idea.

- What?
- Look, if this guy has been suffering

from night terrors
for half a millennium,

that's some pretty serious trauma.

Okay, but he's a ghost. He
can't talk to a therapist.

Right, but you could.

And then you could just have
Thor sitting there with you,

and you could pass off
his problems as your own.

Thor can't leave the property, Jay.

Good point.

So we have a therapist
make a house call,

because you can't leave the house

because you're agoraphobic.

That's not bad.

- This is crazy.
- Please, I can't take it anymore.

I-I... You got to help
me. I need to sleep.

Right, okay, so just to recap,

the plan is to have me call a therapist,

lie about not being able
to go outside so that I can

secretly translate the problems
of a thousand-year-old Viking,

who, by the way, doesn't even
want to talk about the problem,

so we'll have to spring all
this on him and hope he agrees?

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

I guess that's what we'll do.

THORFINN: Land ship, land ship!

- Who is this strange visitor?
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, you must be Dr. Long.

Uh, I am Jay. I'm Sam's hubby.

She-she's not talking
to you because of me.

Her and I are, like...
we're... we're good.

Look, I know you're probably mad.

Why? Because you call therapist

when Thor already
refused to talk dreams?

No, Thor thrilled.

Thor not actually
thrilled. Thor use sarcasm.

How do you know what a therapist is?

Because Thor watching
old reruns of Frasier.

[CHUCKLES] Niles in
particular, very funny.

Only likes best coffee.

Point is,

Thor no talk feelings, like
Martin, father of Frasier.

Fine. I'm moving back into my old room.

No, Trevor, that's not an option.

Well, I'm not dealing
with this mishigas.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We just need to respect that
Thor is afraid of his feelings.

Okay? He's terrified.

About as terrified as he is
of a Danish raiding party.

THORFINN: By the eye of the
Allfather, you bite your words.

Thor's not afraid of Danes and
Thor's not afraid of therapy!

Time to talk feelings! [SHOUTS, GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

THORFINN: Feelings! I'll talk them.

Oh, Isaac, aren't you
usually on your walk

with Nigel right about now?

I don't know why you would just assume

that I have plans with Nigel.

I guess because it seems like you guys

- are getting kind of close.
- Close?

Me? And Nigel?

[LAUGHS] I mean,

he's not even American.

He probably doesn't even know
what a bald eagle looks like.

I mean, I don't even know
why we're talking about him.

What people should be talking about

is this Isaac and Hetty situation.

Man and woman shacking up?

Long history together?

Things could get
pretty amorous. [LAUGHS]

I'd be wondering that.

Are people wondering that?

I was not wondering that.

Well, why the hell not?!

I am so sorry for my outburst.

How's your day?

So your agoraphobia keeps
you from stepping outside?

Yeah, but I'm actually cool with that.

What I'm really concerned by

is these night terrors
that I've been having.

Interesting.

Could you walk me
through a typical episode?

Uh-huh. I would be happy to
talk you through my last dream.

Thor not talk. Dream very painful.

Because even though
it may be very painful,

you won't be able to help me

unless I tell you
what I'm going through.

Yes, that's usually how this works.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Please, proceed.

Fine.

In dream, Thor in vast
plain with best friend Oskar.

So, I'm in a vast plain
with my friend Oskar.

He's...

Norwegian.

Thor very cold. Every
bone in body aching.

Beard frozen in ice.

Scrotum size of berry.

It's pretty cold.

Near fire there is rock.

I grab it, raise it to the sky,

and then I bring it down
and smash Oskar's skull!

I-I pick up a rock and
I smash Oskar's head.

- Oh, my.
- Blood everywhere.

Brains splatter up nose.

There is, like, blood everywhere.

And brains up nose.
Tell her of the brains.

I even get some brains up my nose.

LONG: Now I need you to
think, does this dream

remind you of something
that's happened in your life?

Yes.

It is exactly the same as
day I k*ll best friend Oskar.

Oh, my God.

Now that I think about it,

it is pretty similar to the time

that I betrayed my best friend Oskar.

This was a big betrayal?

Is ultimate betrayal!

Thor monster!

Thor, come back.

Uh, Thor was my childhood dog.

Tell me about him.

And feel free to not
take so many long pauses.

Yeah. Uh, he was a corgi.

He liked socks.

HETTY: Good night, Isaac.

Sleep well.

Oh, what's happening?

Oh, stop your games.

You're a woman with a comely nape,

and this man wants to kiss it.

- He does?
- Yeah.

Oh, my. Is this...

Is this a seduction? Am I being seduced?

You most certainly are. [LAUGHS]

Unless you don't want to be.

No. Of course, I've considered
that romantic tensions

could boil over between us.

Ah, one would say it's inevitable.

- [LAUGHS]
- I just was surprised

that it's taken so very long.

Mm, well, you know what?

Let's slow this train down.

No! I was overcome at first,
but I want this, Isaac.

I want it badly and I want it now.

- My nape, kiss it. Kiss my nape.
- Uh...

Kiss it.

- Kiss my nape.
- Okay.

Isaac? Oh, Isaac.

My nape. Ooh...

Oh, Isaac.

Are you still with me, Isaac?

[SNORING]

- THORFINN: Oskar!
- Oh, dear.

Forgive Thor for m*rder!

Okay, therapy has made it so much worse.

He is twice as loud as he was last night

and I would say ten times as violent.

- THORFINN: See eyeballs crush like grapes!
- Oh, you know what?

It's actually a lot
quieter in this room.

- I'm gonna sleep in here.
- No. You know the rules.

Sam! You have fully broken that man.

I'm dead, but I still
need my beauty sleep.

Hmm. I actually think it's
slightly quieter in here.

Hmm. I'm staying.

- Absolutely not.
- Knock, knock.

Sorry, meant to say
that before I entered.

Uh, look, I don't want to be a bother,

but Thor's brutal screams are sort of

keeping Sass and me awake.

Oh, wow, they're kind
of muffled in here.

Would it be okay if I stayed?

No. No one is sleeping here.

You can say that again.

We're not leaving until
Thor stops screaming.

PETE: Oh, wait a second.

It might be over.

THORFINN: Brains!

No, it's not. I'm gonna... Yeah.

THORFINN: Hell too good for me!

Thor? Thorfinn? Thor.

- I'll take the b*llet.
- THORFINN: Stings.

- Ah. Ah!
- Thor? Buddy?

- Buddy...
- [SHOUTS]

- [ALL SCREAMING]
- [GROANS]

Do it again. That was wild!

Thor, it-it's just us.

You were having a nightmare.

Was battling demon in
Muspelheim, land of fire.

I was banished there for
murdering best friend.

Oof, right.

Look, Thor, I'm sorry I
pressured you into therapy.

But I do think if you push
through and get a little deeper,

you might be able to process
what happened and move on.

Thor no deserve to move on.

Thor deserve to spend
nights in Muspelheim,

eating fire and cinder.

SAMANTHA: Thor, talk to
us. Tell us your story.

Why did you k*ll Oskar?

Fine.

After shipmates abandoned Thor,

I wander completely alone for months,

but then I meet Oskar, and we team up.

We hunt together, camp together,

we even make little bracelets
out of tall grass together.

Very cute.

- Aww.
- He k*lled that guy.

Well, let me enjoy the ramp-up.

But then as the winter deepened,
we got hungrier, hungrier.

Till one day,

Thor so hungry he can't think.

So I grab rock,

I sneak up... and I crush Oskar's skull!

- Gadzooks.
- I didn't even cook him.

I ate him raw.

And I ate his legs. I ate his heart.

Oh, damn it, Thor, you
ate your friend's heart?

Thor so hungry, I...

... I even ate his tail.

Sorry, did... did you say "tail"?

THORFINN: What is so strange?

Oskar is squirrel.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- A squirrel?
- Come on.

Pretty sure I say this in beginning.

Uh, no, you definitely did not.

- Pretty sure I did.
- No.

Point is...

... after friends abandoned
Thor, Oskar there for me.

But when Oskar needed
me most, I eat him.

Much shame.

For Thor no better than
friends who leave me.

No, Thor, you just
did what you had to do

in a difficult situation.

Also, dude, it's like,
it was a squirrel.

Your friends left a human being.

You were just trying to survive.

Any one of us would
have done the same thing.

Yeah, you got to forgive
yourself, big guy.

I...

I have to admit, saying secret out loud,

it doesn't feel so bad.

[SOFT LAUGHTER]

[EXHALES]

Hetty.

Oh, Isaac.

I came to apologize for
my undignified behavior

earlier this evening.

I, um, may have been, um,

trying to prove something to myself.

The truth is,

I have developed affections
for someone on the estate,

but it's, um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, wow. It feels like there's
an actual lump in my throat.

Isaac...

we've been friends for years.

You can tell me anything.

Okay, I'll say it.

And then it's said.

The person who caught my eye is...

... Nigel.

[GASPS] Oh.

Oh.

Well, I'm slightly
embarrassed I didn't see it.

Oh, no, don't be, don't be.

I'm sure no one did.

[EXHALES] I don't, I don't know why

this has been so hard for me.

And I guess I just felt

that if I ever spoke of
these matters out loud,

it would mean that everything
that came before was a lie.

But if that is what it
takes to speak the truth,

then so be it.

- And I am so, so deeply sorry
- Oh...

for deceiving you.

What you have been the past
two centuries is my dear friend.

And that could never be a lie.

You think you're ready to tell Nigel?

Couldn't be less ready.

- Oh.
- But one day, hopefully, I will be.

In the meantime, it's
just nice to have someone

to share my actual feelings with.

Ooh, do you remember that
footman who worked here

for about a week in the ' s

before he got caught
stealing silverware?

Oh, who, Clive? No, I
don't remember him at all,

or the way he filled out those khakis.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- It was wild.
- Oh, the only tragedy here

is that we haven't been
doing this for years.

Yes. We haven't, yes.

Well, another ghost problem solved.

Oh, yeah? Did you get to the
bottom of the night terrors?

Yeah, he, uh, he ate his best friend.

But his best friend was a squirrel.

Oh, that is sad on a couple of levels.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You know, babe,

y-you don't have to use therapy

to just talk about ghost problems.

You could also talk
about... ghost problems.

Like the fact that you see
them and have to deal with that.

- Jay, I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

I worry sometimes that you're
dealing with this huge crazy thing

and I'm the only person that
you have to talk about it with.

I mean, when it first happened,
I was pretty freaked out,

but now I'm starting
to think, I don't know,

maybe this all happened for a reason.

Like, maybe I'm supposed to help
the ghosts with their problems

so they can move on.

I am married to a damn superhero.

Ooh. It is on.

Of course, it's not
without its downsides.

Sorry, things heated up kind of quickly.

Just pretend we're not here.

Let's go upstairs.

ALBERTA: Oh, come on,
now. We have so little.

And I guess that ever since I saw

his picture in the magazine, I
have been having these dreams,

where I'm riding a black
stallion with Jason Momoa.

And when we get thrown
off, he catches me

and he lays me down
on a soft bed of grass.

So I guess what... what
I'm wondering is...

- Go on. Ask her.
- [SIGHS]

What I'm wondering is, is there a way

that I could make these
dreams happen more often?

Okay, uh, there's a lot to unpack here.

Hey, so Thor still healing,

have other issue for talking.

Uh-uh. Move it, buster. This is my time.

I'll be quick.

Oh, fine.

Would you mind if we just

switched gears for a second?

It's your hour.

Totally. Let me think
about how to put this.

So, many moons ago,
during Viking funeral,

I was meant to be sucked off,

and pretty hippie
woman say she love Thor,

which feel very good.

But then I am not sucked off,

and suddenly she does not love Thor,

which feel very bad.

Uh...

Don't forget "sucked off"
part. Important for context.

Oh, boy.