02x02 - You've Got Hate Mail

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
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Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and the rest of the `Looney Tunes' characters are back with new adventures.
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02x02 - You've Got Hate Mail

Post by bunniefuu »

[instrumental music]

Can I get a carrot cake?

A whole cake?

I'm having dinner with Lola

and her parents.

So, you're getting carrot cake?

Isn't that a little cliche?

Rabbits? Carrots?

Here's your carrot cake.

You know, on second thought

I-I think I'll get
a lemon meringue pie instead.

Ooh. That sounds good.

Can I get a sample of that?

I'm sorry,
we don't give samples.

What? How do I know if I want it
if I can't sample it first?

Come on.
Just give me a little taste.

Here you go.

What is the big deal?

I'm talking about
a teeny little taste.

No one would know.

What do you think
I'm gonna shove

my whole hand in it?

You think I'm gonna rub
my face in it

and ruin it for everyone else?

Well, I wouldn't do that.

I would take
a teeny little taste

and then decide if I wanted it.

Mmm.

And I don't.

You know what? I'll take
the carrot cake after all.

[theme music]

- What are you writing?
- Do you mind?

And why do you smell
like a lemon meringue pie?

When are you done?

I need attention.

I said give me five minutes.

Uhh.

How do you work your TV?

(Tina)
'Shh.'

Someone's in a mood.

Am I an apple or a pear-shape?

Be quiet.

Pear.

And... done.

What were you writing?

An email to my boss

telling him everything

I can't stand about him.

Why he's a complete idiot

and how he's a terrible manager

and I hope he gets fired.

You sent that to your boss?

No, I wrote it to my boss

but I'm not gonna send it.

I'm gonna delete it.

[beeps]

- Much better.
- I don't get it.

I mean, why would you
go to all the trouble

to spell words
and put them in sentences

and then delete it?

It's a way to release anger

and vent your feelings

without any repercussions.

I do it all the time.

Believe me, I've deleted

plenty of emails to you.

Come on. Let's go to dinner.

What? I'm a pear.

The skirt draws the eye

to my trim waistline

and away from
my generous hip area.

I'll give it back.

Mm.

[door shuts]

Bugs, this carrot cake
is delicious.

You know what's delicious?

Lemon meringue pie.

'Have you ever had
a lemon meringue pie?'

I haven't had
a lemon meringue pie in
years.

But let's not dwell
on what you don't have.

Let's be thankful
for what you do.

To Bugs!

And his second-rate dessert.

I am so happy
that Lola found you.

No matter where I hide,
she always does.

You know,
when Lola was a little girl

her only companion
was an imaginary friend.

She used to talk to her
for hours.

What was her name?

Lola, what was the name
of your imaginary friend?

Well, if you're gonna
be like that

I'm not gonna invite you
to dinner anymore.

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just having a conversation
with, uh, Piper.

Piper.

[chuckles]

So, Mr. Bunny.

[chuckles]
Walter.

Walter.

That's quite a family photo.

Isn't it fun?

We take one every year.

[instrumental music]

Wow. Matching pajamas.

[gasps]
I have a great idea.

Bugs should be
in our family photo this
year.

- What a splendid idea!
- Wonderful.

Oh, no. I couldn't.

It's just for family.

Don't be silly.

You are family.

Yeah.
Besides, Piper's in all of them.

What do you say?

Ehh..

Okay.

- No way.
- What?

But you just said,
"Ehh, okay."

I'll look stupid.

First of all,
you could never look stupid.

Second of all, this photo

isn't about looks,
it's about family.

And third of all,
did that carrot cake

make your stomach
feel a little weird?

Do we really need to wear

matching outfits?

That's what makes it fun.

Please? I promise, I will never
ever ask you for another favor.

- Fine.
- Yay!

Oh, quick favor.
Can you drive Piper home?

She lives really close.

Piper, you good back there

or you wanna sit up front?

She's good back there.

- What you writing?
- A hate-filled email.

Sounds healthy.

Mm-mm.

[chuckles]

[Daffy laughing]

[keyboard keys clicking]

And... done.

Finally sent your little email?

Oh-ho, I didn't send it.

That's the beauty of this

little psychological exercise.

I get to express all of my rage

and jealousy,
bitterness and disgust

without a single
negative repercussion.

How so?

Because instead of pressing

send... I simply press... delete.

[beeps]

Ha! Oh, no!

How do I get it back?

Do something!

Get it back! Get it back!

Relax. Who'd you send it to?

Who'd I send it to?

I don't think that many people.

[cell phone rings]

You didn't, uh, send
that to me, did you?

What? No.

What bad things
could I say about you?

I love you.

So, if I checked my e-mail

right now,
there'd be nothing from you.

Nope.

[intense music]

[grunting]

[indistinct]

Ha! Delete.

I mean, see?

There was no e-mail.

Uh..

[gasps]
My tooth.

What? It's not like

you're about to take
a family photo.

Oof, you really did a number
on this guy.

But we'll put a cap on it.

- You'll be good as new.
- What a relief.

I have to be in my girlfriend's
family photo later today.

Today? You're kidding me.

A tooth the size of yours?

It's a monster.

It'll take a week at least.

Maybe I could smile
with my mouth closed.

Uh, that doesn't look so bad.

By the way,
I got your friend's email.

He's a real yutz
between you and me.

Did you read it?

It's very hostile.

I don't like hostility

in a doctor's practice.

[instrumental music]

Psst.

What's with the sunglasses?

I'm keeping a low profile.

You got some nerve!

What? Because of the email?

Because I said
you're not a scary witch?

You're not.

I mean, what's the point
of the big hat

and the green skin
and that stupid wand

if you're not gonna do
anything scary with them?

You wanna see scary?
I'll show you scary.

'You better watch who you
talking to and I ain't playing.'

Aah!

[grunts]

[people screaming]

More iced tea?

Not too much ice.

You're mad?

Why are you mad?

Because I said calling yourself

speedy sounds braggy?

It does.

I don't call myself handsome.

You know what people
should call you?

Jerk.

Why is everyone so mad at you?

I accidentally sent a mass email

spelling out in great detail

how I feel about people.

Ah, who else did you send it to?

Everybody. Everyone I've ever
interacted with.

Everyone who matters to me,
who I have a relationship with.

Anyone who makes any impression

on me at all.

So... everybody.

Every single person in my life.

You didn't send it to me.

Huh.

Tina!

Holdit right there.

I got your little email.

I read every word.

And I got just one thing
to say to you.

Thank you, brother.

You are so right.

It was like you held
a mirror up to my soul.

It gave me the kick
in the pants I needed

to finally make a change

for the better.

Well, say good-bye
to the man you once knew

because my transformation
begins now.

That was a mask?

Huh. I wonder if Tina
will have a similar reaction.

Mother.

Hey, Bugs.

(Bugs)
'Oh, hey, Lola.'

'I'll be down in a minute.'

Oh, take your time.

I'm just gonna lay out
some fun stuff

for today's photo sh**t.

It's a western theme.

Piper and I were up all night

bedazzling matching
denim jumpsuits.

Well, they're not actual
denim jumpsuits

'cause I couldn't find
denim jumpsuits.

So, I took jeans

and sewed denim jackets to them.

And, uh, well, they're a little
hard to get in and out of.

So, you know,
once you have them on

they're, they're pretty much on.

Oh, I'm so excited.

This is gonna be
the best family photo ever.

[gasps]
Oh!

What happened to your tooth?

Oh, yeah. Daffy accidentally
chipped it with my phone.

They can't fix it
until next week.

Oh, so is this
what we're wearing?

Huh? Oh, no.

Mmm. No, no.

No, we canceled the photo.

We canceled it.

Um, this stuff was all here

when I got here,
just lying out when I got here.

Must be Daffy's.

You... canceled the photo?

You know,
I just started thinking

family photos are dumb.

You don't... you don't need
a photo to know

who's in your family, right?

You know already
for your whole life.

You know... who your family is.

It's because of my tooth,
isn't it?

What? No. Your tooth?

No. We're just..

We're not taking a photo
this year.

So..

You don't want me
to be in the photo

because of my tooth.

Wha.. Don't be ridiculous.

I barely even noticed
your broken, gnarled

really jacked-up tooth.

I'm gonna be in that photo.

Oh, no, you're not.

You don't even know
where we're taking it

and you'll never find us.

[phone ringing]

- Who are you calling?
- Walter. Bugs.

So looking forward
to the family photo.

Where're we taking it again?

[gasps]
Oh, no, you're not.

(Bugs)
'Oh, that's right,
The Dude Ranch.'

'See you there, partner.'

[Walter laughs]

(Walter)
'Yeah, partner.'

You are not gonna
be in that photo.

Oh, I'm gonna be in that photo.

And not only am I gonna be in it

I'm gonna be smiling so big,
all you'll see

is this broken, gnarled
jacked-up tooth!

[whistling]

Good afternoon, neighbor.

[whistles]

Sam?

Could I get a 100 copies?

Reward for a lost wallet?

The wallet is the reward.

Can you ever forgive me?

I don't know what
I would do if I ever lost you.

I mean, I'm sure I'd date again.

Who knows?
Maybe I'd meet somebody better.

What are you talking about?

The email.

What email?

You didn't get my email
this morning?

No, I've been here since
6:00.


My boss doubled my shift.

I didn't even get a lunch break.

My phone's dead,
I left my charger at home

and I'm still here
another three hours.

That's great.

I mean, uh, I'm so sorry

for you, my one true love.

Mwah.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, yeah!

Bugs! Twice in one day.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

I need to borrow
some cowboy clothes

for a photo I'm taking.

Photo, with your choppers
all jacked up?

I'm kinda in a hurry.

Oh, absolutely.

There's more
where that came from.

I don't wear it anymore.

Uh, thanks.

Have a great rest of your day.

E-explain to me again
what we're d-doing here.

I need you to help me
break into Tina's apartment

and delete the email.

You didn't think I was important

enough to send the email to
and now, you want my help?

You're on your own.

Porky, if you help me with this

I promise, I will send you
a long detailed email

describing everything
I don't like about you.

You promise?

Porky, I am nothing

if not a man of principle.

Now, let's break
into this apartment.

Aah!

Where are Bugs and Lola?

Get in the car. We're taking
the picture somewhere else.

- Where's Bugs?
- What?

Oh, he, um,
he did fell down a well.

- What?
- Come on. Huh.

Hey.

Change of plans.

Hyah! Come on.

Aah!

[horse neighing]

[cars honking]

(Daffy)
'It's asking me for a password.'

Who has a password
on their computer?

- What could her password be?
- Hmm.

It's usually something personal.

What's her mother's maiden name?

Mmm.

Does she have a pet?

Hmm.

Do you know her favorite color?

Hmm.

- What city was she born in?
- Mmm.

Do you know anything about her?

Hmm... I think her name's
Tina
but I'm not a 100%.

So, a lot of times,
I just call her buddy.

[door opens]

Surprise..

...buddy.

What are you doing here?

I, uh... I know what a hard
day
you've had

so we came over
to make you dinner.

You know Porky's
a caterer, right?

This is weird.

You're just tired from your day.

Come with me.

You take a hot bath.

We'll make you dinner.

You have to make her dinner.

What am I supposed to make?

I don't know.
You're the caterer.

I have to figure out
her password.

Darling, I hate to bother you

while you're soaking

but what was your mother's
maiden name?

Romano. Why?

Uh, I just wanted to write
her a thank-you note

for giving birth to you.

Well, how come
you want her maiden name?

Oh, well,
I didn't want your father

to open it by mistake

because I wanna send him
a separate thank-you note.

Keep soaking.

- There's no food in here.
- Get creative!

Turn yourself into a hot dog,
if you have to!

Romano.

Bingo. I'm in.
Here it is.

It's still unread.

"Michael?" Who's Michael?

"Dear Tina,
I can't wait to see you again.

I miss you and love you."

What are you doing?

- Who's Michael?
- What?

Do not play dumb with me.

I read the email from Michael.

Michael's my brother.

You met him?

Oh, right.

- What's this?
- Don't look at that.

Is this the email
you were talking about?

I can't look.

Man, this is long.

"Foghorn, Speedy.."

Whoa. You really laid
into those gophers.

Oh. Here we go.

"I know I've said
a lot of terrible things

"about a lot of terrible people

"but I've saved the terriblest

for my girlfriend Tina."

[groans]

"I have known many deranged
people in my life

"but I've never encountered

"the kind of profound
mental instability

"that she possesses.

Tina Russo is a psychopath."

It's worse than I thought.

"She may have everyone else
fooled

"but I know the truth.

"Why else would the kindest,
most beautiful

"generous and intelligent woman
in the world

go out with someone like me?"

- I love you.
- What?

You're not gonna k*ll me?

Ehh. Call me crazy.

Actually,
I called you a psychopath.

Now, uh,
where's my catered dinner?

- Bugs! You got out of the well.
- What?

Oh, but your tooth
is all jacked-up.

You're not getting
in this photo.

Oh, I'm getting in that photo.

[gasps]

boom

[horse neighing]

[grunting]

[all screaming]

[stagecoach crashes]

[camera clicks]

I knew I'd get in that photo.

And... send.

Oh, I deleted it.

Was that your apology email?

Nah. It was something
I promised I'd send to
Porky.

I bet he forgot all about it.

[clock ticking]

Besides, I don't need
to apologize to anyone.

Ever heard of the expression
"Time heals all wounds?"

Oh, hey, grandma.

[groans]

You'll be alright.

Time will heal that.

I loved this book.

'When Alex stood in front
of Rebecca's front door... '

(female #1)
'Oh, and he didn't have the
courage to knock?'

(female #2)
'Oh, heart-breaking.'

I-I-I was sobbing.

Yosemite,
what did you think of Alex?

Excuse me for just a moment.

[gasps]

- So good, really.
- I really loved it.

You wanna know
what I think of Alex?

Well, I..

...think he's pathetic!

I mean, that's your protagonist?

There's no arc
to that character!

What obstacle did he overcome?

What was his emotional journey?

In fact, the only thing
that's more pathetic

than Alex is this book club!

Now, get out!

'Get! Get!'

And don't forget your books!

Yosemite Sam is back!

Yee-haw!

[theme music]

Piper, there you are.

I been looking all over for you.

You're crazy.
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