02x12 - Dear John

[bunniefuu]

[siren wailing]

screech

(Daffy)
'In here!'

What's the emergency?

Can you open this for me?

You called 9-1-1 because you
couldn't open a can of tuna?

No, first I called Bugs,
then I called my girlfriend

and then I called Porky.

Then I called 9-1-1.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

(female #1)
"Dear Edmund,
I'm leaving you."

[crying]

- I don't get it.
- What?

Then why were you crying?

I always cry when I'm confused.

What didn't you get?

Well, why was he so upset?

Because of the
"Dear John" letter.

John? Okay,
I thought his name was Edmund.

No, it's just called
a "Dear John" letter

when someone ends
the relationship with a note

instead of face-to-face.

Ohh, okay.
So this was a sad movie.

Hey, then why was I laughing
so much during it?

I have no idea. Come on.

Oh, I can't go anywhere,
now that I know what's going on

I want to see it again.

Can you believe they charged me

for coming out to the house?

I-it says you called 9-1-1
four times in the past week

a-and none of the emergencies
were valid.

Oh, they were valid.

Will you hand me that towel?

Will you tell me
a bedtime story?

Scarf, or no scarf?

Why do they get to decide
if it's an emergency or not?

Daffy, our emergency
services
are underfunded

and overextended as it is.

Our p-property taxes
aren't high enough.

Why do you know
so much about it?

Eh, b-because I'm on
the city council.

What's the city council?

Eh, t-the elected body
that runs the city.

- So you're like a bigwig?
- Maybe to some people.

How long have you been
on the city council?

I'm about to finish
my third term.

How did I never
know this about you?

Eh, b-because you never ask me
anything about myself.

And when I try to tell you
anything, you interrupt me.

A-and then on the few occasions
where I actually do

g-get to say something

you, eh, literally fall asleep
from boredom.

[snoring]

beep beep beep

[alarm buzzing]

Hey, I'm meeting Tina
for date night.

Uh, why is the microwave
not working?

Oh. I tried to open
a can of tuna with it.

I thought if I got it hot
enough, the top would pop off.

Daffy, you can't put metal
in the microwave.

Well, I know that now, okay?

The lesson's been learned,
alright?

I'll never forget it.

Real quick, you can or cannot
put metal in the microwave?

[telephone ringing]

Pizzariba, this is Speedy.

Hey, Speedy,
who is that handyman

you use at the restaurant?

You mean John?
Oh, he's the best.

You want me to call him for you?

That would be great.
The microwave's broken.

No problem.
I'll have him drop by tomorrow.

- Just leave him a note.
- Thanks, Speedy.

beep

[instrumental music]

Hey, Bugs!
I saw that movie again.

Oh, you were right,
it was a "Dear John" letter.

Oh, so sad.

I hardly laughed
at all this time.

(Bugs)
"Dear John,
this isn't working. Bugs."

Oh, no!
A "Dear John" letter?

Bugs broke up with me!

[sobbing]

Why?

I'm sorry, sir, we're completely
booked this evening.

You didn't make a reservation?

Don't worry.
I'll handle this.

Ahem, you do know
that I'm a close

personal friend of Porky Pig?

Ah, that's city council
member
Porky Pig.

Oh!

Who knew there were perks
to being friends

with Porky Pig?

Goodbye, apartment. I've decided
to go away for a while.

Too many memories here.

Ew! Oh, no, no, unh-unh, no.

Unh-unh. Just because I'm
leaving doesn't mean you

and all your little
insect friends

can come in here
and-and crawl around.

Can you hear that, roaches?

I'm talking to you too,
spiders and ants.

All of you. You stay out
of this apartment!

And in case you need a reminder

I'm putting a note
on the front door.

Eh, uh, Daffy, h-have you been
going all over town

saying you're friends with me?

Yes, and the results
are incredible.

I used to be embarrassed
to admit I even knew you

but just this morning,
I threw your name around

and I got a lifetime
gym membership for free!

I-it wasn't for free.

You told the girl
who worked there

that the city would have
a parade in her honor.

So? You run the city council.

You, eh, told the maitre'd
at the Sunset Room

that I'd name
a highway after him.

Well, he got me
a really good table.

You told t-that traffic cop

that I could grant
his uncle citizenship!

What's wrong with that?

This is the greatest country
on earth.

It's unethical!

Eh, t-there's
a re-election coming up

and this makes it look like
I can be bribed!

I understand.
It won't happen again.

(male #1)
Porky Pig voted not once

but twice to make
our city dirtier.

He voted to eliminate
garbage collection.

He voted three times to allow
dumping in the river.

Why would a city councilmen
do such a thing?

Because he's a pig.

And pigs are filthy.

On election day, let's send
this pig back to the farm.

Vote Daffy Duck
for city council.

I'm Daffy Duck,
and I approve this message.

- Eh, what was that?
- An att*ck ad.

- Eh, but those are all lies!
- It doesn't matter.

Now people are gonna have
negative associations with you.

I can't believe
you're running against me!

You're the one who said
I can't use

your name to get perks.

So, fine.
I'll get 'em myself.

How could you, eh, d-do this?

First, you don't want me
telling people

you're my friend.

Now you don't want me
telling people

you're my enemy?

Porky,
you're a real flip-flopper.

Ooh. I'll put that
in my next att*ck ad.

[evil laughter]

[coughing]

(Lola)
I didn't know
where else to go.

I can't stop thinking
about that "Dear John" letter.

Oh, I just need
some peace and quiet.

You'll find that here.

True healing occurs
when one is clear of mind

and calm of spirit.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah,
I totally agree with that.

- Your path is meditation.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

And the key to meditation
is silence.

- Say what now?
- A vow of silence.

For the next year,
you shall not speak.

You know, I bet I could achieve

all that healing stuff
without the silence.

What do you think?

I'm afraid the silence
is necessary.

What if I'm really quiet?
Does that count?

[whispering]
What about now?
What if I'm this quiet?

No one will even know
I'm talking.

Sorry, no. Not a word.

Well, what about sounds?
Are they allowed?

Like, when I'm surprised.
I'd go, whoa!

Or when I'm bored, I'd be like..

♪ De-le-le dele-le-le ♪♪

- Silence.
- Wow.

Okay.

[ululating]

Oh, that felt good.
Sorry.

I just had to get that last one
out of my system.

Newcomer Daffy Duck
has won a seat

on the city council

defeating the incumbent
Porky Pig.

Once again, negative campaigns

'proved their effectiveness.'

Ohh! I won!
I won, I won, I won!

Let the perks begin!

Shh, shh.

beep beep beep

Oh! I keep getting
her voicemail.

I haven't heard from Lola
in three days.

I'm going over there.

(Daffy)
Someone's going to need
new business cards.

I bet I can get 'em for free.

(Lola)
"Dear Bugs

I don't ever want
to see you again!"

Lola broke up with me?

[instrumental music]

Hey.
Ooh, great.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.
Good heights on that.

The Royal Oaks
Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks

city council meeting
is now in session.

We open up the floor
to new business.

Yes, I have a complaint.

It's regarding the numbers
on the curb. The paint is..

How long does these things
usually go?

There's an "Off-Duty Cop"
marathon on tonight

and I'd like to get home for it.

I can't record it
because I broke the DVR

trying to open a can of tuna.

The meetings are scheduled
for five hours

but they sometimes run long.

'...but then that paint
faded as well.'

So, I would like to talk
about the kind of paint

that this city uses
for addresses.

Because clearly...

[thinking]
Oh, come on!

Is this really happening?

What does she care if someone
can read her address?

I've lived across the street
from her for six years.

She hasn't had a single visitor.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Just remember why you're here.
The perks.

This will be worth it,
because of the perks.

[Granny speaking indistinctly]

'I like periwinkle'

'but I think that would be
a very bad choice.'

So in conclusion,
I propose a special committee

to discuss paint quality

paint color, and paint
placement. Thank you.

Thank you. And that
concludes the new business.

- Finally.
- And now on to old business.

Concerning the speed
reduction
on Maple Drive.

I believe the choice
was between speed bumps

and speed humps.

Is that right,
Councilmember Bowls?

Yes, Mr. Chairman.
Speed bumps are conical

while speed humps are ovoid.

Councilmember Duck,
what are your thoughts

on speed bumps
versus speed humps?

My thoughts?
You want my thoughts, huh?

My thoughts are that
you people are all insane!

You let that old lady talk
for three hours

and she never said anything!

In the amount of time
that that took

I could've gone over there
and painted her address myself.

I could have painted
the Sistine Chapel!

I don't know about you people

but I have better things
to do with my time

than talk about whether
something is conical or ovoid!

Ovoid!

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have something

that I need to get back to,
and it's called a life.

crash

Unbelievable.
Bunch of namby-pambies.

Ronald Reagan was right.

Oh, hey, I'm supposed to meet
Porky at Pizzariba.

You want to come?

(Lola)
"I don't ever want
to see you again!"

There's nothing here
for me anymore.

So you don't want to come
to Pizzariba?

(Daffy)
No perk is worth
sitting through that drivel!

I mean, is there really
a difference

between speed bumps
and speed humps?

Well, one is conical
and one is ovoid, and...

How long do I have to be
a city council member?

A term is four years.

Four years?
I can't do four years, man!

[cell phone ringing]

Ooh! Someone just forwarded
me
a video.

Is that the baby playing
piano? Already saw it. Fake.

Um... you might
want to see this.

My thoughts are that you people
are all insane!

You let that old lady
talk for three hours..

(Porky)
'You better hope
no one sees this.'

'You could get thrown off
the city council.'

In the amount of time
that that took

I could have gone
over there and painted

her address myself!

I could have painted
the Sistine Chapel!

- Eh, this isn't good.
- Or is it great?

[evil laughter]

[coughing]

Hey, man,
I saw that video of you

at the city council meeting.

I know what you're going to say

and I owe you and all of you
my constituents, an apology

but obviously,
apologies are not enough

and you, the voters,
will undoubtedly

want to remove me from office,
which I will accept.

- Though with a heavy heart.
- Are you kidding me?

- What you did was great!
- Say what?

You are the opposite
of a politician.

You can't hide what you are
feeling. You just say it!

'You're a breath of fresh air!'

'We're so lucky to have you
on that city council.'

We need you there, forever
and always! Am I right?

[applauding]

Okay, so what kind of permits
do I need

to put an addition
on the kitchen?

It would extend it
to the parking lot

and I would require some digging

'so I think we need
to talk about'

'construction permits as well.'

Lola, it has been a year.

Your vow of silence
is fulfilled.

You should feel a deep
and lasting peace.

You may now speak.
What do you have to say?

I miss Bugs!

[laughing]

Hey, one more thing..

[ululating]

(Daffy)
Hmm. Now... here?

I don't know where
these speed bumps go!

[doorbell rings]

What? You people
can't come to my home!

I'm not a city councilman
24 hours a day.

- Oh. Hey, Lola.
- Where's Bugs?

I have to be with him
whether he wants me or not.

I don't know where Bugs is.

- He left a long time ago.
- What are you talking about?

He got your "Dear John" letter
and was completely devastated

and said something about
sailing to the end of the world.

What? How could Bugs have
possibly thought

this was for him? Oh!

I'm coming for you, Bugs!

And this time I'm talking
about the rabbit Bugs!

(male #2)
'Meeting adjourned.'

[indistinct chatter]

That was another fun five hours.

What are you doing here?

Just because I can't be
on the city council

doesn't mean I can't
come to the meetings.

We really do
have nothing in common.

- Did you hear about Prop 14?
- What's Prop 14?

They're calling it
t-the Daffy Duck provision.

You're so popular, the voters
want to make your seat

on the city council permanent.

Then there's only one thing
left to do.

Embrace a life
dedicated to public service?

No. Fake my own death.

(Elmer on TV)
'Tragedy struck today
when popular city councilman'

'Daffy Duck lost control
of his vehicle'

'and plunged into the icy
Sebastian river.'

All that was recovered
was his beloved parade float.

And the city never even got
to throw him a parade.

Former Councilman Porky Pig

has agreed to fulfill
the remainder of his term.

'This is Elmer J. Fudd
reporting.'

Hey, Porky. Want some gently
used business cards?

I'll put a speed bump here
and the speed hump here.

Oh, no. Oh, maybe
the speed hump goes there

a-and the speed bump goes here.

[thunder rumbling]

Bugs!

Bugs!

Bugs!

Lola?

Whoa! Oh!

Wait. What are you doing
here?

You broke up with me!

That note wasn't to you.

It was to spiders
and ants and roaches.

Don't you see?
I wrote "Dear Bugs"

but you thought I meant
Dear Bugs.

- Bugs.
- I need to be with you.

I don't care about
the "Dear John" letter

you left me on the microwave.

"Dear John" letter?
You mean the repairman?

Wait. Why'd you break up
with the repairman?

- Mwah!
- Mwah!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Oh, Tosh?
- Yes, Chum?

Would you like to split
this tangerine soda?

Actually, I never have
carbonation in the afternoon.

I should have known that.
Terribly sorry.

No apology, Chum,
let me cut you a slice

of this nice zucchini bread.

Oh, no.
I'm gluten-intolerant.

Oh, of course you are.
I should have known that.

Well, I shouldn't have
thoughtlessly

offered you that soda.

- What is happening to us?
- I don't know!

- It's like we're out of sync.
- Not on the same page.

♪ We're drifting apart ♪

♪ Our friendship is broken ♪

♪ Indubitably
we've made mistakes ♪

♪ So much is unspoken
inexorably ♪

♪ Last week I wanted to watch
our favorite cooking show ♪

♪ But you left the room
to watch women's tennis ♪

♪ That was really quite a blow ♪

♪ When we were eating lunch
at the palace of Versailles ♪

♪ I ordered you potato chips ♪

♪ But you said
you wanted fries ♪

♪ Well I like French fries ♪

♪ Since when
do you like French fries? ♪

♪ We're driftin' apart ♪

♪ The sweater I bought you
doesn't match your skin tone ♪

♪ We're driftin' apart ♪

♪ I made you curtains to
clash with your throw rug ♪

♪ It's like we are two sides
of a very dented coin ♪

♪ Without you I feel like
Bearnaise sauce ♪

♪ Without the top sirloin ♪

♪ I don't know why this
friendship train ♪

♪ Has suddenly derailed ♪

♪ We used to be
two snowflakes ♪

♪ Now we're just
two chunks of hail ♪

♪ And as that hail
hurtles toward earth ♪

♪ They drift further apart ♪

♪ They're like two frozen
daggers ♪

♪ Ripping through
my broken heart ♪

♪ Those separate lonely
chunks of hail ♪

♪ Just falling to their doom ♪

♪ They hit the ground
with a thickening ♪

♪ End-of-friendship
sonic boom ♪

[wind blowing]

♪ I'm sorry
that I failed you ♪

♪ Oh no.
'Tis I that failed you ♪

Well, I better go.

I have tickets to Michael Buble!

What?
I have backstage passes!

You don't say!
Shall we share a rickshaw?

Ooh, splendid!
I love rickshaws!

Oh, so do I!

[laughter]

♪ We're not drifting apart ♪

♪ And we never shall again ♪

♪ No more driftin' apart ♪

♪ We remain
the best of friends ♪

♪ We're not drifting apart ♪

♪ There will be
no more strife ♪

♪ No more driftin' apart ♪

♪ Best amigos for life ♪

♪ We're not driftin' apart ♪

♪ I'm for you
and you're for me ♪

♪ No more driftin' apart ♪

♪ It's a friendship victory ♪

♪ We're not driftin' apart ♪♪

[applauding]

He was a great American hero.

[theme music]

[ululating]