02x21 - Year of the Duck

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

How about Chinese for lunch?

I had Chinese for breakfast.
Sunset Room?

Well, how about the Pizzarriba?

We always go to Pizzarriba.

I-I like Pizzarriba.

Just tell me where I'm goin'.

Rock, paper, scissors.

- I win.
- What are you talking about?

You have a rock.

I have scissors.
Scissors cut rock.

Scissors don't cut rock.

Where do you think
Pebbles come from, hmm?

Fine.
Let's do it again.

- I win.
- What?

Scissors cut paper.

- This isn't paper.
- What is it?

It's a karate chop to your face.

Ha!

Ow! Ha!

[grunts]

Oh, I love Chinese.

I haven't had it
since breakfast.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Oh! Too much orange chicken.

Have you ever met
an orange chicken?

- Ooh!
- What?

It's the Year of the Pig.

Wow. This is my year.

What are you talking about?

The Chinese astrological
calendar.

Every year is represented
by a different animal.

And this year, it's me.

It's the Year of the Pig.

Oh, Porky.
A year of good fortune.

When's the Year of the Duck?

Uh, I don't see
a Year of the Duck.

Give me that.

There's a Year of the Pig.

There's a Year of the Rabbit.

And no Year of the Duck?

How is this possible?

They've got a Year
of the Monkey.

A Year of the Rooster.

A rat?
There's a Year of the Rat?

Why not ducks?
Does everybody hate ducks?

Nobody hates ducks.

That's easy for you to say.
You're beloved.

Oh, I w-wouldn't say beloved.

Oh, really? Ever hear of the
expression, "Pigs in a blanket?"

It's not an expression.
It's a food.

Yeah, a delicious food
that you would pig out on.

Another popular expression,
by the way.

Daffy, you're overreacting.

Oh, really,
"Mr. Lucky Rabbit's Foot?"

Star of the popular fable,
"The Tortoise and the Hare"

Ducks have nothing.

Uh, what about,
"Duck, Duck, Goose?"

That's a popular kids' game.

Oh, you mean the one
that's super boring

until you say
the word "goose?"

Isn't there a children's
book
about a duck?

Oh, you mean
"The Ugly Duckling?"

Thanks a lot, Bugs.

Well, there's
gotta be somethin'.

Yeah, "sitting duck"

waiting around to get k*lled

so that you can become
a "dead duck"

which is probably an improvement
considering up till now

you've spent your entire life
as a "lame duck."

Ooh, fortune cookies.

"Happiness and p-p-prosperity
are just around the corner."

That sounds good.

"You are charming
and well liked."

Well, not really a fortune,
more like an observation.

Ugh! Ugh! Agh!

Did your guys' cookies
taste like paper?

This is the reason
I've never succeeded at anything

because people don't like ducks.

I think it's because
people don't like you.

No way.

If it's between me
and the other guy

to become partner
at the law firm

they're gonna pick
the other guy.

Solely because I'm a duck.

And also, you're not a lawyer.

And why do you think that is?

- Because you're lazy?
- Because I am a duck.

And people don't like ducks.

Hey, guys,
I brought in your mail.

It looks like
you opened it, too.

Well, I got bored between
the mailbox and the front door.

It's mostly bills but I
think
you're gonna like this one.

They want you
to host this year's

Royal Oaks Glen Oaks
Oakwood Oaks beauty pageant.

Why me?

Well, it says here,
"Because you are charming

and well licked."

That's liked.

Okay, well,
you don't have to brag.

I don't wanna host
a beauty pageant.

Bugs, it's a lot more
than just a beauty pageant.

It's a competition that
awards
scholarships to young women.

Come on, all you have
to do is show up

and say "And the winner
is.."

It's the easiest job
in the world.

Ehh! Okay.

How do you know
about all this anyway?

I was a contestant
two years ago.

But then I was disqualified
because of my talent.

What was your talent?

- Lion taming.
- You know how to tame lions?

Not very well.

I'd say I'm probably
just below average.

(Daffy)
'Unbelievable.'

I've read the entire internet

and there's not one positive
thing about ducks anywhere.

Lola, what do you think
about ducks?

I don't know. Why?

- Because I'm a duck.
- What?

I always thought you were
a crow. Are you sure?

Aren't ducks the ones
with those big beaver teeth

and that big beaver tail?

- Those are beavers.
- So, you're a beaver?

Oh-h! forget it.

[door opens and closes]

Phew.

Yo, that is one touchy beaver.

Why, I remember,
I say, I remember

when it was
the Year of the Rooster.

Why, that was the year
that everything changed for me.

Before that I was just
a cock-a-doodle-do-nothin'

on a farm and look at me now.

[laughs]

What does that have
to do with ducks?

Oh, right. Ducks.

Carol, bring me the latest
animal popularity index.

What's the animal
popularity index?

It's a list, I say,
a list of every animal

ranked in order of popularity.

Hmm.

I say, hmm.

Ducks are ranked 64th?

I'm afraid, I say, I'm afraid

ducks have
an image problem, son.

- What you need is some good PR.
- Ooh, that sounds good.

I haven't had a peanut butter
and ranch sandwich in forever.

Would you mind, hon?

I don't need a beverage.

No, PR.
Public Relations.

Influence public opinion.

And based on that, we're gonna
have to do a lot of influencin'.

What to do?
I say, what to do?

[gasps]
That's it.

We're gonna
get you on "Tit For Tat."

Carol, get in here.

What's "Tit For Tat?"

It's the most watched
news program in the country.

You'll make the case
for ducks to all of America.

Hmm.

Daffy Duck,
as the lead spokesperson

for an entire species.

I like it.

Carol, get the producers

of "Tit For Tat" on the line.

Yes, sir.

Ooh! Too much R.

Hey, Bun-Bun.
How's it coming?

How's what coming?

Your opening monologue
for the pageant?

Monologue?

I thought all I had
to do was show up

and say,
"And the winner is.."

Right.
After the monologue.

And the big musical number

with all that complicated
choreography.

Oh, and then there's the duet
with last year's winner

which also has a lot of
complicated choreography.

Oh, you gotta be ready to vamp

in case
the wardrobe changes go long.

And they always go long.

'Oh! Then, of course,
there's the big finale'

'which has the most complicated
choreography of all.'

And sometimes a stunt.

Last year's host
got sh*t out of a cannon.

- He got sh*t out of a cannon?
- Well, not successfully.

That's why they needed
a new host.

It's a thankless job, Bugs.

I don't know why
you agreed to do it.

Pinky, congratulations.

You are my
one millionth customer.

You win a year's supply
of free pizza

and half of the dessert.

Wow! I guess it really
is the Year of the Pig.

Porky's a pig?

I always thought he was a seal.

Are you sure, I say,
are you sure you're ready?

Well, this old boy ain't afraid
to ask the tough questions.

I have all the answers
I need right here.

Ask me anything.

Okay, uh, exactly, I say

exactly what contribution
have ducks made to society?

That's a good question, Elmo.

I believe his name is Elmer.

Elmer? Hmm.

I'd better write that down.

Uh, Carol, do you have
my pre-show PR sandwich?

Don't ever let her go.

Hmm. Now she put too much P.
You gotta get rid of her.

We're on in five, four..

Good luck.

I don't need luck.
I've got these.

[gasps]

(male #1)
'And action.'

[instrumental music]

Good evening.
I'm Elmer Fudd.

Welcome to another edition
of "Tit For Tat."

Tonight's topic.
Ducks.

Here to tell us
why we should care, Daffy Duck.

Daffy, welcome to the program.

- Thanks for having me, Elvis.
- Let's get started.

Exactly what contribution
have ducks made to society?

Uh, um, uh..

- Pass.
- What?

Give me another question.

Okay, uh.

Bring the car
around front, Carol.

You believe that ducks
are viewed unfavorably.

Do you have any proof of this?

I'd like to phone a friend.

- What?
- I'd like to buy a vowel.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna go ahead
and spin again, Pat.

Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

[growls]

Why didn't you open
the sunroof, Carol?

You really gotta get rid of her.

[grunts]

"Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

"And welcome to the Royal Oaks
Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks

"beauty pageant.

"I don't know
about our contestants

but I slept like
a log last night."

Literally.

I woke up in the fireplace.

"Uh, good-looking audience
we got here tonight.

"I look forward
to seeing you all

during the swimsuit portion
of the competition."

Because there's
a swimsuit portion.

The audience doesn't
actually put on swimsuits.

Yeah. No, we get it.

Ohh! What about
the joke where...

Porky, please.

I know you think this is
your "year," but let me...

No! I wanna hear it.

[clears throat]

I flew all the way
in from N-N-New York to be here.

And boy, are my arms t-t-tired.

[laughs]

Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my goodness!

I can't breathe.
Oh! His arms are tired.

Like he didn't fly on a plane.
He flew himself with his arms.

Like they're wings.

He doesn't even have wings.
He's not a bird.

He's a seal.
Seals can't fly.

[laughs]

Oh, it's so funny
for so many reasons.

Oh! Porky.
Oh, Porky. Ohh. Ohh.

Yours is funny, too.
Just not as funny as
Porky's!

[laughs]

Oh, Porky!

[growls]

This is a PR nightmare.

Tell me about it.

I mean, we're talking
about two ingredients here.

Peanut butter and ranch.

How does she keep
messing this up?

Enough with the sandwich, boy.
Look at this.

Now ducks are even less popular.

'I say, less popular
than they were before.'

We're below great white sharks?

They eat people.

- Oh, it's time.
- What?

(man on TV)
'The 63rd annual'

'Royal Oaks Glen Oaks Oakwood
Oaks Beauty Pageant.'

'There are many beautiful
women in the world'

'but only one can be
Miss R-O-G-O-O-O.'

That's it. We need a duck
to win that beauty pageant.

I've always dreamed
of being Miss R-O-G-O-O-O.

Not you.
We need a female duck.

Ohh. Right.

- 'No way.'
- Please?

I-I'm not
the beauty pageant type.

Oh, of course you are.

You're constantly at the salon.

You spend hours
in front of the mirror.

And you're always prancing
around the house in a tiara.

That's you.

Well, I'd enter it if I could.

But that big, fat rooster
says I can't.

So, you gotta do it.
We're in 73rd place.

Daffy, I don't care
what some poll says.

And you shouldn't either.

That's easy for you to say.
People like you.

- Then be more likeable.
- No. That's crazy.

The only thing that makes sense
is you winning a beauty pageant

which will skyrocket ducks up
the animal popularity index.

Thus allowing me to enjoy
respect and admiration

without having
to earn it myself.

- It's a slam duck.
- You mean a slam dunk.

What? My whole life, I
always
thought it was "slam duck."

Ugh. Forget it.

I guess I'll just have
to get used to the idea

that every time
I walk into a room

everyone will wish a great white
shark had walked in instead.

Well, guess what, people,
great white sharks can't walk!

So I guess you're stuck with me!

[sobbing]

- Fine, I'll do it.
- Thank you.

I can't tell you
how much this means to me.

I just know you're gonna win.

And then,
we'll both have a tiara.

Just remember,
when you're inside

you gotta stay curled-up tight.

The tighter you are,
the further you'll fly.

You wanna take
a practice flight?

No, I think I'm good.

Porky, what are you doin' here?

I have a big favor to ask you.

What do you think of
letting me host the pageant?

What?

Ever since I found out
it was the Year of the Pig

I've just been feeling so good.

Everything seems
to be going my way.

I-I mean, you get opportunities
like this all the time.

But this, this is my year.

T-this is my one sh*t.
What do you say?

Thanks for doin'
my makeup, Lola.

I'm not very good at this stuff.

Are you kidding?
You're gonna look beautiful.

I'm keeping
it real fresh and light

and natural
just like you wanted.

You'll barely be able to tell
you're wearing anything at all.

There.

Wow!

Yeah, that's..

Uh, is there any way
you could remove a few
layers?

Oh. Yeah.
I can do that.

Guess someone doesn't wanna win.

When is the show gonna start?

What is that?

It's a constantly updating

animal popularity index.

This way, we can see those
duck rankings rise in real time.

Wow. Impressive.

Oh, this is taking forever.

I mean, if you say
you're gonna start at 7:00

you start at 7:00.

Come on! Start the show!

I don't think
that's helpin' the cause, boy.

Uh, maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.

Porky, they're gonna love you.

(male announcer)
'Ladies and gentlemen.'

'Welcome to the 64th annual'

'Royal Oaks Glen Oaks
Oakwood Oaks beauty pageant.'

'And now,
your host Porky Pig.'

You're gonna be great.

It's the Year of the Pig.

Oh, it's not
the Year of the Pig.

What?

The Year of the Pig
was four years ago.

It's the Year of the Rabbit.

(Porky)
'Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.'

And welcome to the Royal Oaks

Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks
beauty pageant.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

Oh, that nitwit must
have read it wrong.

If anyone should be out
there hosting, it's you.

He'll be fine. All that
astrology stuff is silly.

You know, I flew all the way
in from N-N-New York to be here

and boy, are-are my arms tired.

[coughs]

Or maybe not so silly.

Uh..

A good-looking audience
we've got here tonight.

I look forward to seeing you all

during the swimsuit portion
of the competition.

Hmm, pigs are fallin' fast.

They're below, I say,
they're below ducks.

Boo!
Get this guy off the stage!

Hmm. Not anymore.

Uh, why don't we meet
our contestants?

[audience cheering]

They hate me.

I thought this was
the Year of the Pig.

How is this happening?

Porky, there's somethin'
I need to tell you.

- You're doin' great.
- What?

But no one's laughin'.

No, no, no, they're laughing.

You just can't hear them
from the stage.

It's, it's the acoustics.

Are you sure? I feel like
they're all scowling at me.

No, that's the stage lights.

The shadows make smiles,
you know, look like frowns.

They're smiling
and they're laughing

because you're doin' great.

It's the Year of the Pig.

- That's your cue.
- Thanks, Bugs.

[audience applause]

[instrumental music]

[lion roaring]

Yeah! Whoo! Ow!

[grunts]

And now, the winner
of the Miss Royal Oaks

Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks
b-b-beauty pageant is..

...Michelle Chen.

Congratulations, Michelle.

Ah! Oh!

Congratulations.
You did it.

What are you talking about?
I didn't win.

Yeah, but you were
so beautiful and poised

and charming and elegant.

You moved ducks up 33 places.

Well, there you go.

Unfortunately,
I brought us down 41 places.

So, overall,
ducks are slightly worse off

than they were
before we started.

So, I guess,
you're not gonna get

that respect
and admiration you wanted.

What are you talkin' about?

I'll get it by
hanging out with you.

Here.

You're giving me your tiara?

Loaning you my tiara.

Looks better on me.

Mwah.

[blast]

[applause]

Thanks for
the Chinese food, guys.

- How you feeling?
- Pretty good.

The doctors were amazed
at how fast I'm recovering.

He-he.
But I'm not surprised.

After all
it is the Year of the Pig.

I thought you told me
it was the Year of the..

Ow! Why are you kicking me?

Did you, by any chance,
get any duck sauce?

There's a sauce named after us?

Ohh, a sweet, delicious sauce.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

I'm sorry
but visiting hours are over.

How about a little
respect and admiration?

Ever heard of duck sauce?

[theme music]

Hey, fellas.

Get a load of this.

We cracked the top ten.