02x24 - Mr. Weiner

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Looney Tunes Show". Aired: May 3, 2011 - November 2, 2013.*
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02x24 - Mr. Weiner

Post by bunniefuu »

Bugs Bunny.

I have an appointment
with Dr. Weisberg.

Go ahead and take a seat.

Daffy?

Oh, hey, Bugs.

- What are you doing here?
- Reading.

My subscription ran out.

So you come
to a doctor's office?

No, I come to a doctor's office
waiting room.

It's very pleasant.

Fish t*nk, classical music.
Very nice.

Someone order Chinese food?

Right here.

[theme music]

[heart thumping]

- You got any sodas in here?
- Shh.

Wow. This thing's like
a runaway freight train.

What are you so hopped up for?

I'm always telling him
he's too stressed.

I'm not stressed.

Here's what we're gonna do.

I want you to spend
the weekend relaxing.

Lots of deep breathing.
No excitement.

No stress.

We'll check your heart
again on Monday.

It's weird. I feel fine.

Oh, hey, doc, I have
a quick question for you.

Is there anything
you can do to stretch

my stomach ten times its size?

- What are you crazy?
- Just temporarily.

I'm gonna be in
a hot dog eating contest

at the fair this weekend.

Oh, I forgot the fair
was this weekend.

Bup-bup-bup.
No fair for you.

That's too much excitement.

But for me, I can't wait.

I go every year.

I like to win
all that stuff nobody needs.

A kazoo, novelty glasses.

Silly straw.

Snap pops.

- Aah!
- Oh, sorry.

[heart thumping]

So, what about my stomach?

You shouldn't enter
that contest.

Binge eating
is extremely unhealthy.

ding

Well, if I can't stretch
my stomach with surgery

I'm gonna have to do it
the old-fashioned way.

By gorging myself.

You're not gonna listen
to your doctor?

He's not my doctor, he's yours.

Sure, I've gone to him
for the occasional

cosmetic procedure but even then

I had him send you the bill.

Why do you wanna win
a hot dog eating contest?

That is the dumbest question
I have ever heard in my life.

How about a lifetime
supply of hot dogs?

A custom-made satin jacket

and for one year,
the great honor

of being called Mr. Wiener.

Does that answer your question?

No.

[elevator dings]

Here, let me drive you home.
That way you can relax.

- What about your car?
- Oh, it got towed.

I parked in Dr. Weisberg's spot.

[instrumental music]

The funny thing is, I really
don't feel stressed at all.

[tires screeching]

What is the matter with you?

That light was yellow!

- You go on yellow!
- Daffy.

My friend could have
a heart att*ck at any
second!

I'm trying to keep things
calm for him!

- Back off!
- Oh, boy.

You wanna fight?

Oh, he wants to fight.

[tires screeching]

[car horn honking]

Stay calm, Bugs, I got this.

Just do some of that
deep breathing.

(Porky)
'Where's B-Bugs?'

He said he needed to lie down.

He's such
a frail reed, that guy.

Hello, what can I get you?

- I'll have 62 hot dogs.
- Say what?

That's one more than
last year's winner ate.

Well, not this year.

Soon you'll be
calling me Mr. Wiener.

I already call you that.
And a lot worse.

- How about you, Porky?
- Oh-oh, I'm not eating.

Wow! That's one thing I thought
I'd never hear you say.

I-I'm too nervous. M-my
girlfriend's coming to town.

Okay, now that's two things

I thought
I'd never hear you say.

W-well, she's sort of
my girlfriend.

W-we've only met once.

Ey, b-but we talk
on the phone every day.

And t-tomorrow
she's coming into town

to g-go to the fair with me.

[sighs]
S-she's wonderful.

I-I get butterflies in my
stomach just thinking about her.

Uh, I know what I would
like in my stomach.

Sixty two hot dogs.
So arriba, arriba.

That's too much food, man.

I gotta stretch my stomach.

Do you know how bad
that is for you?

Sixty two hot dogs.

Eating that much
in one sitting could k*ll you.

Coming right up.

Oh, P-Petunia will be here

in 22 hours 38 minutes
and 14 seconds.

- You're gonna blow it.
- Wh-what do you mean?

You're too eager.
You're gonna scare her off.

You gotta relax, chill.

Otherwise she's gonna
think you're desperate.

Girls like a guy
who plays it cool.

[cell phone rings]

Watch this.

Hey, Tina, you're gonna
have to call me back.

I'm in the middle
of something, okay?

So maybe I'll see you later,
maybe I won't.

So whatevs.
Doesn't matter either way.

You better see me later.

We have a date tonight
and you're picking me up

at 8:30, got it?

Well, whatever
you say, my angel.

I'll be counting the seconds.

I'm telling you, Porky,
play it cool.

Whoa! That's a lot
of hot dogs.

How can someone eat that many?

Ey, what's the most
you've ever eaten?

I don't know.
Four, four and a half.

Any more than that,
they start coming back up.

If you know what I mean.

Unfortunately, we always
know what you mean.

Well, here goes nothing.

chomp chomp chomp

gulping

[grunting]

How many was that?

Four.

Oh, well.

Maybe I could do another half.

chomp chomp chomp

'It's comin' back up!'

'It's comin' back up!'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[heart thumping]

It's still b*ating like crazy.

What is the matter with me?

Aah!

[machine whirring]

What on Earth are you doing?

- I'm building a ramp.
- For what?

I'm performing
a death-defying stunt

at this weekend's fair.

Are you, uh, qualified
for that sort of thing?

Nope. But it don't matter.

It's my legacy.

It all started with
my great-granddaddy.

Rocky Mountain Sam.

He once jumped
a horse-drawed carriage

over 15 cows.

Then there was old grand-dad

Death Valley Sam.

He jumped a model T
over 15 model Ls.

Okay!

Then there was my daddy,
Grand Canyon Sam.

Some say he was the greatest
daredevil of 'em all.

He jumped a motorcycle
over 15 school buses.

So now it's my turn.

You gonna jump a motorcycle
over a bunch of school
buses?

No, I'm g-gonna jump
a school bus

over a bunch of motorcycles.

Eh, good luck with that.

Will you help me? Please?

I don't know
how to build a ramp.

I ain't never done a stunt.
I'm not a daredevil.

- Then don't do it.
- I gots' to.

Because I can't
go down in history

as the only Sam
who never jumped one thing

over a bunch of other things.

I'd love to help you

but I'm under doctor's orders
to take it easy this weekend.

I'm not asking you
to do the stunt

I'm just asking you to figure
out how to do the stunt.

[sighs]
So you wanna jump a school bus

over how many motorcycles?

- Fifteen.
- Right.

I think we're gonna need
a calculator.

A calculator?
I said a school bus!

Whoa! Oof!

creak creak creak

Oh!

[instrumental music]

chomp chomp chomp

Yes! Five hot dogs.

- And they're staying down.
- They'd better.

Well, all I have to do now
is figure out

how I'm gonna cram 57 more
down my gullet.

I gotta stretch this dude out.

I can't believe you're doing all
this for a stupid satin jacket

and so people
can call you Mr. Wiener.

Well, truth be told,
there's another reason.

It's my legacy.

It all started with
my great-grandfather Dipsy Duck.

He ate 54 huckleberry pies

in a pie-eating contest

and won a horse-drawn carriage.

Then there was
my grandfather Doofus Duck.

He ate 112 corncobs

in a corncob-eating contest

and won a model T.

And then there was
my father, Dummy Duck.

He ate 14 buckets
of fried chicken

in a fried
chicken-eating contest

and won a school bus.

He still drives it to this day.

Now do you understand
why I have to win?

Do any of the guys in your
family have normal names?

Like David or Doug?

I have a cousin
named Dimwit Duck.

Look, Tina, the point is,
I have to win

so I don't go down in history

as the only duck
who didn't win a contest

by gorging himself
on carnival food.

And also I really want
that satin jacket.

[sighs]

chomp chomp

Urgh!

'It's coming back up.'

[drum roll]

What are we doin'
playing with models?

We ought to be building
the real thing.

I told you I don't want anything
to do with the real thing.

My heart is racing
just thinking about it.

[heart thumping]

I need to relax.

Why do you need to relax,
you're life ain't stressful.

'Near's I can tell you,
sit around the big house'

'all day doing nothing.'

[piano music]

Okay, you're school bus weighs
approximately, 14,000 pounds.

'And this ramp is at an angle
of 22 degrees.'

'So you need to be going no less
than 89 miles per hour'

'but no more than 91 miles
per hour, when you hit the ramp'

'so that you can travel the 72
feet over the 15 motorcycles.'

'Now, you have to land exactly
on the front edge'

'of the landing ramp. Otherwise,
you lose control and crash.'

So, 89 miles per hour,
22 degree take off, 72 feet

land on the front
edge of the ramp. Got it?

[snoring]

- Yosemite!
- Huh, what!

Oh, sorry that classical
music's just so dang relaxing.

swoosh

[phone ringing]

[Daffy mumbling]

Wh-w-what?

Sorry, I was eating,
I'm up to seven hotdogs.

I just wanna remind you
to play it cool with Petunia.

Oh-ho, r-right.

Porky, I'm serious.
Serious like a heart att*ck.

Sorry, Bugs!

You can not blow this!

Remember, you come from a long
line of pigs, who've blown it.

Need, I remind you of your
great grandfather, Pudgy Pig.

Your grandfather, Plumpy Pig.
And your father, Plus-size Pig.

M-m-my dad's name is Alan.

The point is, they all blew it.
You gotta break the chain Porky.

Play it cool, unless you want to
lose Petunia forever.

Uh, s-she's here.

Good, I gotta go anyway,
that's Tina on the other line.

Oh, darling, I hope
I didn't keep you waiting.

[dramatic music]

(Daffy)
You're gonna blow it.

Play it cool.

Porky, it's so good to see you.

I'm so excited for our weekend.

Okay, cool.

[instrumental music]

[funfair music]


[chuckling]
Oh, this is so much fun.

I haven't been to the fair
since I was a little girl.

Oh, look cotton candy.

- Do you like cotton candy?
- Are you kidding?

I can eat cotton candy all..

I-I-I mean..

Uh, I can t-t-take it
or leave it.

Hey, the ever roller coster.

[crowd screaming]

- Should we go on it?
- Are-are you crazy?

I mean, I don't know.
Whatever.

Is everything alright?

You seem strange.

Uh, I'm cool.

[whimpering]

Hey, uh, Speedy give me
all your churros.

- Are you crazy?
- I gotta stretch my stomach.

But the idea of eating
another
hot dog makes me sick.

And in two hours,
I gotta eat 62 of them.

There's no way
you gonna win man.

Have you seen last years winner?

[dramatic music]

Uff, he looks like
he could eat 62 of you.

- Mother.
- Hey, look!

There's a fortune teller.

(woman in TV)
Continue to breath deep

relaxing breathes.

[phone ringing]

(Yosemite)
What angle's the ramp
supposed to be at?

What?

What angle should
the ramp be at?

And-and how fast
am I supposed to go?

And what part of the ramp
am I supposed to land on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sam,
slow down. What-what's wrong?

I'm panicking, I'm spiraling.

I got so used
to that teeny model.

Now, it all looks
so big and scary.

You gotta come help me.

I need you here.
My heart's racing.

That's exactly why I can't come.
You shouldn't be there either.

Bugs, please. I'm begging ya.

I need the emotional support.
You're my best friend.

- What?
- Nothing.

I, I didn't say nothing.

- Uh, just come down here.
- Fine.

Dr. Weisberg is gonna k*ll me

if my heart doesn't first.

[phone ringing]

[automated message]
'Hi, please leave a message.'

(Weisberg on phone)
'Bugs, it's Dr. Weisberg.'

Look, look, look,
I'm on the internet

and I think I might have
misdiagnosed your condition.

Turns out your heart b*ating
fast because... you're a rabbit.

That's where they get
the expression

"My heart's b*ating
like a rabbit's." Huh?

Anyway, there's nothing wrong
with your heart.

You're fine.
You're in perfect health.

So go have some fun,
enjoy your life. Live a little.

Okay, enough work for a
Saturday. I'm going to the fair.

[mystical music]

In my crystal ball
I can see the past

the present and the future.

Lola you're not
a fortune teller.

Uh, my name is
Madam Zoldor, so..

What do you see Madam Zoldor?

Will I win
the hotdog eating contest?

Let me see.
It's, it's murky.

[crackling]

Ah-ha! I see a hotdogs,
so many hotdogs.

Really?
At a hotdog eating contest?

[gasps]
I see you.

[gasps]

You're eating hotdogs
so many hotdogs.

More than five?
Do I win?

Yes, you win.
You're the winner.

I knew it.
Thank you, Madam Zoldor.

Does the lady want her palm
read? Or maybe a manicure.

I'm actually
a little better at those.

Uh, I think Ferris wheels
are kind of romantic.

Don't you?

[sighs]

T-t-there alright.

Porky, you just seem
so different from when we met.

Well, I don't know
what to tell you Petunia.

This is me.
This is who I'm.

I'm relaxed,
I'm cool, I'm chill.

[instrumental music]

Ah-ha! Wh-what's happening?

- We must be stuck.
- Wh-wh-what?

We're hundreds
of feet off the ground.

Help, somebody, help us.

[crying]
I always knew,
I'd d-d-die this way.

[shivering]

[dramatic music]

I think Madam Zoldor
might be crazy.

There's no way my stomachs
big enough to eat all these.

Ladies and gentleman,
welcome to the 35th annual

'Mr. Weiner,
hot dog eating contest.'

[people cheering]

Uh, that satin jacket is mine.

On your mark..

Get set..

Go!

[instrumental music]

Eh, w-why isn't it fixed?
W-w-what's taking so long?

W-w-what if they never fix it?

Porky, calm down.

It's gonna be okay.

Eh, Petunia? Um, there's
something I've to tell you.

Ever since I picked you
up at the airport.

I-I've been trying
to play it cool.

Why?

Because I was afraid if you saw
how excited I was to see you

you'd think I was,
eh, d-d-desperate.

But, but the truth is,
I-I'm excited to see you.

Also you should know
that I l-l-love cotton candy

I don't like roller coasters
and, and I think

you're the-the greatest
girl I've ever met.

I guess I blew it, huh?

[instrumental music]

Good luck, if you need me, I'll
be over there. Not watching.

(male announcer)
'Ladies and gentleman, direct
your attention to the infield'

'where local daredevil
Yosemite Sam'

'will attempt to jump a
school bus over 15 motorcycles.'

[engine revving]

[grunting]

I can't reach the paddles.

You gotta do the stunt with me.
You gotta be my feet.

[sighs]

Are you crazy?

No, I'm a Sam and if I don't do
this, I'll be the first Sam

who ain't never
accomplished nothing.

[sobbing]

[door bangs]

- Move over.
- Oh, thank you.

I knew you was my best friend.
I mean neighbor.

[upbeat music]

We have a winner.
Daffy duck.

[people cheering]

Yay. Haha. Wooh!

[instrumental music]

I told them not to enter
that hotdog eating contest.

I told him.

Well, this is it.

[classical music]

It'll help me relax.
Don't fall asleep at the wheel.

(man on radio)
'You're listening
to Classical 103.1.'

[tires screeching]

[music continues]

[tires screeching]

crash

boom

[crowd cheering]

[grunting]

I'm alive, I can't believe it.

Uh, I can't believe
they don't have seat belts

on school buses.

Ow!

[Porky sighs]
It's so romantic up here.

I hope they d-d-don't ever
fix this Ferris wheel.

Eh, D-D-Daffy?

It's Mr. Weiner.

[instrumental music]

burp

(Weisberg on phone)
'So, go have some fun, enjoy
your life. Live a little.'

I think a death
defying stunt qualifies.

Unbelievable, they're
stripping me of my title

because they said I cheated.

I'm not allowed
to call myself Mr. Weiner.

- I'll call you Mr. Weiner.
- Thanks.

That's why
you're my best friend.

Don't tell Yosemite that.

[theme music]

Look what I won at the fair!

Now I can drink out of my hat.
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