12x13 - Frigate Me Knot

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bob's Burgers". Aired January 2011 - current.*
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"Bob's Burgers" revolves around Bob who own a hamburger restaurant, and his family. Bob's burgers are really delicious and appear to be better than his rivals' but when it comes to selling burgers, his kids aren't really helpful, as more customers head over to their competitor.
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12x13 - Frigate Me Knot

Post by bunniefuu »

(Teddy groans)

Everything okay, Teddy? You
keep looking at that letter

and making that noise.

Mm. It's an invitation from the navy.

What, the navy doesn't have Evite?

- Are you shipping out, sailor?
- Are we talking new navy or old navy?

Uh, the frigate I served on
is getting decommissioned.

- They're gonna scuttle the old girl.
- Buy her dinner first, right?

I think I understood three
of those words, Teddy.

Oh, sorry. A frigate's a ship,

and scuttling is sinking it on purpose.

Wait, why are they
sinking it on purpose?

Is it because if they can't have it,

- no one else can?
- Kind of.

It's getting decommissioned.

Once a navy ship gets
too old to be useful,

a lot of times, they'll torpedo it.

And then it sinks to
the bottom of the ocean

and becomes an artificial
reef for fish and sea monsters,

- I assume.
- Frigate.

- Gene, don't say "frigate."
- It's not a bad word.

I want to hear more
about the torpedoing part.

Where are they doing it?
When are they doing it?

Can we buy tickets to watch?

And can I be the one to push the button?

And if I'm the one pushing the button,

do I really need to buy a ticket?

Yeah, it's happening
next week out at sea.

No one's invited to that.

But, uh, those of us who
served on the maiden voyage

are invited to a ceremony tomorrow.

It's in Bog Harbor because
they built part of the ship there.

The toilets, I think.

That's fun. That's exciting.

So why are you being all mopey about it?

Well, I'm probably not gonna go.

What? You have to go. It's a ceremony.

Ah, I don't know. I'm just not sure

I want to run into any
of my old shipmates.

Why not? Don't you want to reminisce

about the good ol' days?

Put on your little sailor suits

and dance around the town?

- Aw.
- I mean, I loved being in the navy,

but, uh, it wasn't all great.

- There was this one incident.
- Wha... ? What happened?

Just a silly little mistake.

Did you launch the nukes
accidentally on purpose,

- wink-wink?
- No.

Did you fall in love with a mermaid,

and then she became human for you,

then she missed the ocean,
and she returned to the sea,

- and you never got over it?
- No, not that.

Teddy, just tell us the story!

- Sorry. Sorry.
- (groans) All right, fine.

We were in the middle of a deployment

in the middle of the Pacific,

and it was the middle of the night.

LOUISE: Lot of middles, Malcolm.

TEDDY: I was scrubbing the
deck when an officer came by.


You always have to salute
an officer, so I did.


- But he was a ghost.
- No, he was really there.

But what wasn't there

was a railing, so I kind
of fell into the ocean.


(screams)

Which happens sometimes
but almost never.

They rang the bell and stopped
the ship and fished me out.

And everyone woke up and
saw it. It was not great.

So, hey, you fell off your ship one time

and had to get rescued. Big deal.

- Two times.
- Two times?

Yeah. I-I fell off a second
time, on the same night.

Yeah, I was showing some guys
how easy it is to fall in.


And then I fell in again.

(screams)

Oh, Teddy.

I mean, that's not that bad.

It was bad. I got a nickname.

- Captain Drippy?
- Admiral Belly Flop?

- Double-Dip.
- Double-Dip? Oh, that's good.

- Sorry.
- For the rest of the deployment,

everyone called me Double-Dip.

Then that's all I was to everybody.

So that's why I don't want to go

to the farewell ceremony tomorrow.

No, you got to go.

Lin, it doesn't sound
like Teddy wants to go.

He needs to go.

- I do?
- Yes. Otherwise, they win.

- They do?
- Yeah.

But if you go, you win.

You'll show them you don't
care about some dumb nickname.

But I kind of do care about it.

It comes up quite a bit in therapy.

That and my thing about shopping carts.

Look, something similar happened to me

when I was in high school.

You fell off a high school frigate?

No. I was over at
Debbie Bernardini's house

for a sleepover with a group of girls

who I thought were my friends.

We were watching a scary
movie that was very popular


at the time. I forget
what it was called.


There was a guy, he was k*lling people.

- You know the one. Anyway,
- (gasps)


So, someone got k*lled,
and we all screamed,


- and I farted.
- (farts)


But it turns out it was
more than just a fart.


A little bit of poop came out, too.

It was pretty obvious when
the smell didn't go away.


And I also went into the bathroom,

and I might have kind of shouted,

"Oh, no, a little bit of poop came out!

There's poop! There's poop!"

And they called me Death by Chocolate.

And they laughed a lot.

And I didn't go to another
sleepover for the rest of high school.

You are pretty vocal in the bathroom

- about what's going on.
- Yeah, a lot of commentary.

She's like Ken Burns in there.

It helps to talk it through.
Anyway, I let them win.

Teddy, that's why you got to
go to your thing, so you win.

That's a touching story, Linda,

but I don't know if
I can face those guys.

- We'll come with you.
- Really?

No. No, no, no.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

As emotional support.
And muscle if you need it.

But not going is also
a reasonable option.

I mean, if you guys came with me,

I'd feel a lot better about going.

And they're gonna have a
bunch of music and food.

It says "Bring the whole family."

- It doesn't say whose family.
- Please?

Please, please, please?
I want to get a picture

of me with a torpedo for my
own personal Christmas card.

Yeah, Dad. I hear you're supposed
to do fun activities with your kids.

- Come on, Bob.
- (groans) O-Okay, fine.

- Frigate.
- Gene.

GENE: Do we look okay, Teddy?

- Are we under-tattooed?
- Should we go on shore leave

and cause a ruckus with some locals?

- Come back with a shiner?
- And cans of spinach

that you somehow suck through the can?

Oh, boy, here we go.

Sheesh, I can't believe
it's been years.

You and the ship look amazing.

One of you has barnacles on them,

but I'm not gonna say who
'cause I'm a gentleman sailor.

Come on, let's go touch
stuff we're not supposed to.

Uh, okay, but don't do that.

Uh, I'm so nervous.
My ears are sweating.

No, they're no... Oh, my God, they are.
I thought it was an earring.

Remember, just by showing up
today, you win, and they lose.

TONY (chuckles): Hey.
Check it out. It's Double-Dip.

(chuckles): Double-Dip is here. No way.

How'd you get here? Did
you swim over? (laughs)

-Oh, boy.
-Okay, they win, I lose. Let's go.

Come on, Teddy. Just
stay for a little bit.

An hour tops. Six drinks.

Just kidding. Sort of.
There's drinks, right?

- Yeah.
- Good. Hey, you can do this.

We'll be here for
you. Right next to you.

- Right, Bob?
- Uh, sure.

Or-or behind you.

It just kind of depends
on how everyone's standing.

Okay, fine. An hour.

And maybe you guys hold
my hands the whole time?

- No? Probably not?
- RAUL: Get over here.

- And try not to fall in.
- (all laugh)

I don't like it. I don't like it.

- I don't like it.
- It's gonna be great.

- Come on, let's do this ship.
- (Teddy groans)

Hey, Tony, Raul, Billy.
Good to see you all.

Double-Dip, you came. Wow.

Of course he came. He's a navy man

showing off his old ship
to his not-navy friends.

We're his biggest fans.
We're like his groupies.

- Right, Bob?
- BOB: Mm.

It's great to see you, DD.
That's short for Double-D,

which is short for Double-Dip.

'Cause he fell in the ocean twice.

(laughs) Yeah, I forgot all
about that Double-Dip stuff.

So glad you brought it up.

I got to go over there now
and see what that stuff is

over on that thing. The table?

What is it, food? (laughs)

- Okay, see you later.
- Okay.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Has
it been an hour yet?

I think it's been, like, ten minutes?

If we round up from one minute.

Come on, you're doing great.

You're sticking it
to those navy ninnies.

Do you know how much I wish
I could go to a boat party

with the Debbie Bernardini
crew right now and say,

"Look at me. No
chocolate on this dress"?

God, I'd k*ll for that. Oh,
actually, that is chocolate.

Where'd you get chocolate?

- I don't know.
- LOUISE: Well,

terrible news. Turns out all the weapons

were taken off this ship weeks ago.

Apparently, it's "not
safe" to scuttle a ship

with missiles on board. This
is why I don't pay taxes.

We did see a knot-tying workshop
for the sailors' kids. Eh?

I mean, why "knot"? (chuckles)

I could finally learn
how to tie these bad boys.

Mom tied them a year ago,

and now I just try not
to have to take them off.

Pass. I know all the
knots I need to know

from Tina's Thundergirl handbook.

Oh, yeah. I was supposed to learn those,

but I did "knot."

Seriously, though, I didn't
get my knot-tying badge

because I made too many knot jokes.

- I'm funny at Thundergirls.
- BOB: I-I would do knots.

I-I've always wanted to be a knots guy.

I mean, it's for kids,
but I'm sure it isn't weird

if a grown man is also learning.

You can pretend to be our dad.

All right, everyone got their rope?

If that's what this is.

Schmitty, is that you?

Oh. No, I'm-I'm not, uh, Schmitty.

- I-I'm-I'm Bob.
- Wow.

You are the spitting image.
Raul, look at this guy over here.

Doesn't he look like Schmitty?

Huh. Now that you mention it,
yeah, he's the spitting image.

TINA: Huh, he does look like Schmitty.

- Wait, who's Schmitty?
- I mean, I knew he wasn't coming today.

He's in Florida doing that
deep-sea salvage stuff.

Sunken treasure. That's
the life, huh? Schmitty.

"Sunken treasure"

- is what I call Dad's butt.
- Gene.

All right, we're gonna start off

with a simple but important
knot, the bowline.

Make a loop. Tag end goes through.

Under and over. Back through.

Bowline. Let's see how you all did.

Good. Nice. Eh, boy,
you really aren't Schmitty.

Sorry, can-can you
show me one more time?

- You-you went really fast.
- "Knot" too fast for me.

Actually, it was a little fast.

Okay. Make a loop, pass it through,

under and over and back through and...

- Still too fast?
- Still too fast.

- I'm good.
- Okay. Here's how we

teach the little kids.

The rabbit comes up from his hole,

runs around the tree

and then goes back into his hole.

Your rabbit didn't make
it back into its hole.

- Wait, where is your rabbit?
- Uh, uh...

Dad, what did you do to your rabbit?!

Okay, enough food, Teddy.

Let's hit the bar, get
some alcohol inside of you.

Eh, but Tony and the
guys are at the bar.

Teddy, it's a free country.

And free drinks. Come on.

Have you considered
challenging them to a navy duel,

which I assume involves water g*ns?

TEDDY: Let's hope it
doesn't come to that.

(laughs loudly) Teddy, you're so witty,

and you know so much
about ships and life,

and you just don't care
what people think about you.

(laughs) Oh, you guys again. Hi.

Hey, I just came back
from the supply room

and picked up my memento.

- What'd you get?
- I got a pad eye.

TONY: Me, too. Picked it up

- when I first got here.
- What's a pad eye?

- It's like a cleat.
- What's a cleat?

It's a thing you secure a rope to.

Rope! I know rope.

So, wait, we can just
take stuff from the ship?

- Dibs on that huge cannon.
- TEDDY: No, Louise.

Only sailors from the maiden voyage

can take something off the
ship before they sink it.

- What are you getting, Teddy?
- Oh, nothing.

What? Why nothing?

'Cause I didn't put in
a request for anything.

They should give a
life vest to Double-Dip.

Ha! Good one, Billy.
That was a good one.

- Right. Double-D?
- (laughs) Yeah. I'm not upset.

- (laughs, sighs)
- Hello, ma'am.

Beers for my friends

and, uh, have you ever
heard of a Twisted Monkey?

- I have not.
- It's a ginger ale and ice, twisted.

And then you make a noise like
a monkey when you give it to me.

I don't know if I want to do that.

Okay, I'll make the noise like a monkey.

Wait, Teddy, I don't get it.

Why didn't you ask for part of the ship?

I didn't think I was gonna come.

Plus, what was I gonna
write on the letter?

"Hi, I'm the guy who
fell off the ship twice.

Can I please have something"?

They probably would've stamped it
with "Request denied, idiot."

Thank you. (imitates monkey)

Not so hard, is it?

Well, is there a part of
the ship that you would want?

I mean, I wouldn't say no to a pad eye.

Who would? It's a pad
eye. It's like a cleat.

Well, then, let's get you a pad eye.

We can't. The request
had to be in months ago.

- There's got to be a way.
- Nah, forget it.

I don't even deserve
part of the ship. (sighs)

Teddy, uh, Louise and
I are gonna... go pee!

- She shouted.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be right back.

Listen, it's not right that Teddy

doesn't get anything
from this ship while Tony

gets to take a pad eye with him

even though he was a
total poop deck to Teddy

- the whole time.
- They never said the sea was fair.

I say we find a way
to get Teddy something.

Something better than a pad
eye. That's how he'll win.

Yeah, that kind of makes
sense in a dumb, beautiful way.

So, are you in for operation
"Go Get a Part of the Ship

from That Supply Room Place for Teddy"?

- Uh, yeah. Sure.
- Okay.

Thought there was gonna be
a little more energy there,

- but great.
- And after that,

- we find the frickin' torpedoes.
- There's the energy.

But probably not with the torpedo thing.

So, what's the plan?
We're just gonna ask

for a piece of the ship for Teddy?

We'll ask nicely.

And we'll say, "Please make it
slightly better than a pad eye."

Nope. Can't do that.

- Pretty please?
- Uh, no.

- Aw, frigate.
- Okay, good start. Good start.

And that is how you
tie the sheet bend knot.

Can't wait till someone asks
me how to do a sheet bend.

Still working on the bowline?

Almost got it.

There! I did it! Damn it.

I bet Schmitty can tie a bowline.

Schmitty can tie any knot.

He even invented his own
knot... the Schmitty Liddy.

Best knot in the world
for securing lids.

- So cool.
- GENE: Mm-hmm.

Why, oh, why would God bless
you with Schmitty's face

- but curse you with those hands?
- I don't know.

Okay, everybody done
with the sheet bend?

Hold them up. Looking good. I'll...

check in with your bowline in a bit.

Maybe a little time apart
will do us both some good.

I'm gonna get it.

You, uh, you kids want
to learn hitch knots?

Hitch, please.

LINDA: There's got to
be a piece of this ship

you can give our friend
that no one's claimed.

He's really nice.

A little sad but nice. He's not too sad.

Look, next time your
friend wants a souvenir

from an $ million piece
of U.S. m*llitary property

that requires prior approval,
he might want to plan ahead.

It just seems like
there are so many parts

still on the ship, and it's
getting sunk next week, and...

Scuttled. (scoffs) Sorry about my mom.

It's okay. I have one, too.

Listen, we come from land,

and we can get you any
land thing you want.

I could be back here in
minutes with magazines,

potato chips, houseplants,

water that's not salty.

Please don't try and
bribe me with potato chips

and houseplants. It's very insulting.

I've been off a ship once.
I know about that stuff.

- LINDA: But...
- I'm gonna start ignoring you two.

Please go somewhere not here now.

I think we're getting close.

Ugh! Stupid rope.

It's not the rope's fault.
Have you ever been checked

for whatever it is you seem to have?

Rope dyslexia?

I guess maybe I just don't get knots.

But you're good at lots
of other stuff, Dad.

Like making burgers. Uh...

- Gene, you want to jump in here?
- Folding towels.

Folding towels. I was
just about to say that.

Actually, I'm not that
good at folding towels.

(whispers): He's not.

- Well, that was a bust.
- Poor Teddy.

He deserves something from this ship.

Hey, if you want to do
another look-see down below

for a torpedo they
might've forgotten about,

- I'm with you.
- Ugh, I hate when bullies win.

These guys and the Debbie Bernardinis

and the Biffs and whoever
the bad guy in Superman was.

- I hate it!
- (bell clangs)

Huh.

- What are you doing?
- Who, me?

I'm just noticing how this bell...

(grunts) ... seems to
want to be off this ship.

(grunts) And if it just falls off,

then it's not like we took it at all.

- (grunts)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

it's like a loose tooth.
It wants to come out.

(grunts) Whoopsie!

- (gasps)
- Mama, you make me so proud.

Hi, sailors. How you doing?

Oceans, huh? So much water.

All right, come on, come
on. Let's give this to Teddy

and get out of here.


Where have you been? I
stress-ate all the crab cakes,

and now I'm starting in
on the cocktail weenies,

and everyone keeps
giving me the evil eye.

Can we go now, please?

Yes, we can leave now, but
you're gonna leave a winner.

Eh?

- Why do you have that?
- We got it for you.

A little souvenir.
Better than a pad eye.

I mean, it's bigger. Jingly-er.

He's speechless. A simple
"thank you" is fine.

Why would you think I'd want this bell?

This is the deck bell.

It's the bell they rang
when I fell overboard.

I hear this bell in my nightmares.

Well, now you can hear it
when you're awake. Right?

Also, you can't steal
something off a navy ship.

You can get in big trouble.

We got to put it back
before anyone notices.

Or we just toss it overboard?
A little mini scuttle?

No. We got to put it back on the wall.

They're gonna ring it at
the end of the ceremony.

It says it in the program.

Okay, okay. We'll do it. Calm down.

We'll put it back real quick
and pretend this never happened,

and we get out of here before they, uh,

dust it for fingerprints. Right?

You didn't wipe yours off?
It was the first thing I did.

Ladies, gentlemen,
sailors, the ceremony's

about to start shortly,

so please begin to take your seats.

If you have to hit the
head, now's the time.

"The head" is what the
navy calls the bathroom.

Isn't that fun?

Well, now everyone's
going to the bathroom

right next to where the bell was.

- Yeah, that's not helpful.
- Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We
got to do something.

Teddy, it's gonna be okay.

Uh, time for operation "Put
the Bell We Got for Teddy

- Back on the Wall."
- Damn it, I hate this situation,

- but I love that name.
- It's fine.

All right, Mom. How are
we gonna unring this bell?

We're just gonna, uh, wait here

till that bathroom line goes down,

- then we'll put it back.
- OFFICER: Will the sailors

from the maiden voyage and their guests

please fill in the front row.

- Oh, boy.
- Uh-oh.

- Double-Dip, come on!
- Uh, I'll be right there!

Eh, we got to go sit down.

Okay, okay. Uh, we'll go sit down.

And then we'll sneak away
in a minute. Act natural.

- (bell clangs quietly)
- Oh, boy.

Maybe walk less clang-y?

Uh, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

And maybe don't shout
"Oh, God" quite so loud?

(whispers): Oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God, oh God.

Better.

(Bob whimpers)

Uh, I'm gonna need that rope back.

I really want to get to the ceremony.

Can I borrow it for a little longer?

You really want to
tie that bowline, huh?

Yes, I really do.

I like that dedication, sailor.

You can use the rope a little longer.

- Thanks.
- Don't worry, Dad, you'll get it.

(whispers): I'm starting to
get really worried about Dad.

(whispers): Yeah, is
something wrong with him?

Um, I can hear you guys.

I-I'm fine. I-I think.

- Mm-hmm. Totally.
- Uh, yeah, of course you're fine.

- (whispers): He's not fine.
- Mm-mm.

A little announcement before we begin.

I've been told that more crab
cakes are being microwaved,

so those of you who haven't got any yet,

- just hang tight.
- I'm sorry. No one said anything

- about a limit.
- OFFICER: Today,

we give the USS Gertrude Stein
the send-off she deserves.

The chaplain will read a few words,

and then the deck bell
will ring one final time.

But first, we're gonna kick things off

with everyone's favorite navy
rock and roll trumpet band.

Take it away, Brass Kissers!

(playing "Barracuda")

(whispering): Okay, it
looks like the bathroom line

has thinned out. I
think now's our chance.

(whispering): We fly in fast and low.

Stay under their radar. Get in, get out.

(whispering): I don't
know how I'm gonna reattach

the bell without any tools.

You're overthinking it.
You're overthinking it.

(whispering): Hey, what
are you guys talking about?

- Nothing. Enjoy the music.
- I'm trying to,

but there's a lot of whispering.

Shush, shush, shush.
Play with your rope.

Teddy, Louise and I all
have to go to the bathroom

- at the same time. Come on.
- I want to go to the bathroom.

- No. You stay.
- Okay.

I didn't actually have
to go. It just sounds fun.

(whispering): I kind of have to go.

- Hold it.
- Okay.

(music continues)

Hey. You went to the

- bathroom. That's cool.
- Nice.

Teddy, you get the
bell back on the wall,

and Louise and I will make
sure nobody comes this way.

Hi.

Oh, it's you guys. Um,
excuse me? I need to get by.

- What's the rush? Enjoy the view.
- Right.

Okay, I need to hit the head, so move?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, but,
like, you could hold it

if you wanted to, right?

I assume the m*llitary trained you

to hold it during a combat mission.

Actually, we're trained
to just let 'er rip.

Clean things up later.

- Now, please, move it.
- Oh, no.

- MAN: Hey.
- Eh, you're not done yet.

- MAN: Am, too.
- All right, what the heck's going on?

- (Teddy grunting)
- And what the heck is he doing?

You're stealing the deck bell?!

- Oh, God.
- Okay, maybe I wasn't done, done,


but still, not cool.

I swear I wasn't stealing the bell.

- He was. I caught him.
- (singsongy): Embarrassing.

Will someone please explain
to me what's going on here?

I need to know if I'm
filling out a report or not.

Teddy didn't take the bell. I did.

- Linda?
- (gasps) Mother.

Oh, that's why I wasn't
part of the pee-pee club.

(sighs) I dodged a b*llet.
But I still have to go.

- Teddy was just putting it back.
- I had nothing to do with this.

I'm just a little girl.

I knew I shouldn't have come today.

But it was all, if I don't
go, Tony and those jerks win.

- Wait, what do you mean, "jerks"?
- Yeah, ouch.

You guys never stopped teasing me

after I fell off the ship.

Then you came up with Double-Dip.

Double-Dip? What?

I mean, because you fell off. Twice.

Oh, then that is a solid nickname.

(chuckles): What, we're
not supposed to tease you?

It's what sailors do.
It's what friends do.

You think we're friends?

Sure, we are. But,
Teddy, you stand here,

and you tell us how
you fell off the ship,

and then you fall off the ship.

I mean, how does that
even happ... (screams)

- (splash)
- Oh, my God! Should you

jingle the clingy clangy?

The-the jingle bellies?
Jingle the thingy.

- Oh, right.
- (clanging)

Little more slack over
here, Billy! Let it out!

Copy that! Tony, keep that
strap above your chest!

Otherwise, your nipples
are liable to chafe!

Trust me on that one!

Raul, how're we doing with your line?

My hands are greasy
from the hors d'oeuvres.

I can't get a grip. Schmitty lookalike,

- tie this off for me, will you?
- Oh, um, I-I-I don't...

- I don't know...
- Come on, Dad. You can do it.

- Maybe.
- We believe in you.

- Stick the knots landing.
- TEDDY: It's okay, Bob.

I'll come over.

No, I can... I can do this.

The rabbit comes up from his hole,

runs around the tree,

then goes back into his hole and...

(gasps) I did it!

I did it! Knot teacher
guy, look! I did it!

- Well, I'll be.
- I totally get the tree part now.

- He can do the easiest knot.
- And the rabbit. Take that, Schmitty.

Geez, I guess I was wrong.

It is, uh, kind of easy
to fall off this ship.

So, you guys teased me
because we were friends?

What? Of course. We served together.

We're bonded for life.

I mean, we were all kids then, Teddy.

And you were a little older.
We-we looked up to you.

And I was scared out of
my mind about serving,

but then you showed me
you could make a mistake

and still be a great sailor.

Gave me a lot of confidence.

- Wow. I had no idea.
- SAILOR: Hey, Double-Dip.

I got something for you.

- The bell? Really?
- SAILOR: Yeah.

It'll remind you of the good old days

and also today

when you fished out Mr. Slips Ahoy.

- (laughter)
- Mr. Slips Ahoy over here.

- That's pretty good.

Let's just pretend you
sent a request letter

and it has all the
right signatures on it.

But maybe put it down your pants

till you get off the ship, please.

- Can I hide it in my jacket?
- No. Pants.

Yeah, pants is better.
Put it in your pants.

- Come on.
- Okay, I'll try. Thank you.

Aw, Teddy got the bell.

- All because of me.
- I mean...

Thank you for your service, Mom.

If I fall off the ship,

do you think that lady
will give me a torpedo?

Hey, maybe you should reach out
to your old friends, too, Mom.

And then you can make up
and wear matching jackets.

I would, sweetie, but I TP'd
Debbie Bernardini's house

after they started calling
me Death by Chocolate.

And I peed on her bike.
But I shouldn't have.

Kids, do the Teddy
thing, not the Mama thing.

Oh, and I called them
at : in the morning

every night for a year and
pretended I was a k*ller.

Geez, Linda.

LINDA: That's what friends do?

- ♪ Double-Dip, Double-Dip ♪
- ♪


♪ One false step, and I
fell right off the ship ♪

♪ Double-Dip, Double-Dip ♪

♪ Turns out it's pretty
easy to make a second trip ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Look who went and
soaked their drawers ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Got rescued, but
my nipples chafed ♪

♪ Double-Dip, that's right, Double-Dip ♪

- ♪ No one else to blame ♪
- ♪ Double, Double-Dip ♪

♪ Took me two falls
in to get that name ♪

♪ Double-Dip, that's
me, Double-Dip ♪

♪ When you're in
trouble, on the double ♪

♪ Call the Double-Dip. ♪
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