03x13 - Pursuit of Loneliness

[bunniefuu]

Tall semidry nonfat cap.

Thank you.

Uh, hello. I don't
mean to disturb you,

but I am desperate for
you to know my name.

Hammond Dearing. Okay. Got it.

Have we ever met or seen
each other before? I don't think so.

That's a shame, because I've been
making your espresso drinks, uh,

every morning for
almost three months now,

handing them to you
every single day, and...

I was just hoping maybe once
you'd pause to look at my face.

I guess I didn't.
Well, would you?

Okay. Bye-bye.

Wait. Just one more second. Look. I
understand you being wary of strangers,

but if you knew maybe
a little bit about me...

I actually feel I do, which is
why I'm walking away now.

But is it 'cause I'm a guy who
makes cappuccinos for a living?

Uh, no. It's because my
cappuccino is getting cold.

Hold on. Just one more second.
Would you have dinner with me?

Uh... Hammond?

[Chuckles] Uh, you're
beginning to get annoying.

Oh, gee. And I so wanted
you to reject me on a good note.

Look, I...

Sorry. I shouldn't
have done that,

but my ex told me
I'm a good kisser,

and I figure, well,
go with strength.

Hmm. It's a good thing that
you make a cold cappuccino.

And, um, your ex...

She lied.

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has
to bring Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

The guy who makes
the cappuccinos?

[Ally] Yes. They're
a little foamy.

Yes. He actually asked you out.

What, did he think you were a
waitress or something? [Toilet Flushes]

I don't know.

Ick. Nothing worse than getting
hit on by one of the little people.

[Toilet Flushes]

John. Sweetie. Fly.

Oh.

Uh, you don't
like little people?

Oh, I don't mean little "short."

I mean little. You know,
janitor, cappuccino maker.

So, if I was a janitor, you...

You wouldn't go out with me?

Well, of course I would.

[Door Opens] Ally,
are they here yet?

Who? Lesbians. Are they here?

Uh, no, Richard. And
only one lesbian is due in.

Oh. Can I ask you,

why-why is it that men are
so fascinated by lesbians?

Do you know what they do
together, i-in private? What?

- They have sex.
- [Ally] Heterosexual women
have sex too.

But with men. There's nothing special
about a woman interacting with a penis.

Unless it's your own. Am I
right, John? [Door Opens]

- Your 10:00 is here.
- Lesbians. Excellent. Off we go.

So, seriously, you-you
would not date a janitor?

No.

Would you date a "janitette"?

A j... I... [Chuckles] Y... Yes.

[Scoffs] Typical.

As long as she's beautiful, doesn't
matter to a man what she is inside.

They say chauvinism's dead.

Not here.

[Door Opens]

It's not that I oppose alimony,
but we were never really married.

- How can you say that, Evan? We
were married for three years.
- But you're gay.

You were never sexually
attracted to me. It's fraud.

[Georgia] Look. These are the
same arguments made at trial court.

You lost "annullification." We
didn't lose. They certified it...

to the Court of Appeals because
they recognized we may have a case.

All right. Let's... Let's not get off
track. You do not deny being gay.

- No.
- All right. And, uh,
forgive my intrusiveness,

you made love to him, even though
you were really attracted to women?

Yes.

And, uh, a little threesome
action, or did you...

- Richard.
- [Evan] I'm the one who got hurt,

and I'm the one
being asked to pay.

Evan, I tried to love you.

Yeah. Sure.

- Maybe if you were
with the right guy.
- [Ally, John] Richard.

Look. We offered you
40,000 structured over...

And if that's your final offer,
then I guess we go to appeals.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine.

[Cappuccino Machine Burbling]

Tall percent, half-and-half,
no-whip mocha.

It took me most of the
day, but I've forgiven you.

I'm glad. I was concerned. Okay, it was
wrong for me to just kiss you like that,

but if given the opportunity, I
think I could redeem myself.

Mm-hmm. H-How about you give me
my drink and I'll grant you redemption?

Aren't you at least curious about
why I'd want to go out with you?

No. It's always the
wrong guys who hit on me.

Oh, and you feel comfortable just
making quick judgments about people?

I feel comfortable
with this one.

Now, are you gonna give me my
drink, or do I have to call the manager?

How about you call for the owner?
Better yet, let him buy you dinner.

You own the store?

And three others.

Oh. That makes a difference.

I'm not a majordomo anymore.

You might have to
admit you prejudged me.

Mmm. I admit it was wrong for me
to dump a cappuccino on your head.

Mm-hmm.

The owner...

He should get chocolate.

[Exhales]

Nelle dropped these
off. Your divorce papers.

She marked up
a couple of things.

Okay. Thanks.

Night.

Sandy.

Nothin'. Night.

You okay?

Yeah.

That seems strange...

to have a marriage
end so simple.

Couple of drafts,
couple of signatures.

It's all a little, uh...

If you need to talk...

You don't want to talk about
what I'm dyin' to talk about, Sandy.

What?

Nothin'.

Maybe I'll meet
you down at the bar.

What?

I think it's no
secret I'm, uh...

I'm attracted to you.

But it would be
inappropriate. You work for me.

Plus, it's still so
soon, my breakup.

It's way too soon to, and it
would be totally unfair for me to...

And it would be
stupid for you... Oh,

I'm not even presuming
you'd be interested, but...

I go home every night to an empty
place, and instead of missing Georgia,

I miss you.

I even started putting up
pictures of Ally, tryin' to miss her,

but I can't get my mind off you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
With a good lawyer, you could sue me.

But... you did ask.

Wouldn't be a good idea?

No.

It wouldn't.

[Phone Rings]

The Sweeney interrogatories are done.
We just need Mrs. Sweeney's signature.

I'll call her. Good.

The opinion letter for Jenny
Marshall is right here. Good.

Good. Sandy?

Are we gonna talk about it?

I'd rather not.

Okay. Why?

Because I think
it was a mistake.

It was only a kiss. This...
Which I think was a mistake.

Okay. Why?

I would have to be...

the biggest idiot in the
world to get involved with you.

You're a card-carrying
male chauvinist pig,

who's my boss,
coming off a divorce,

going through some
sort of midlife crisis.

It would be so
dumb to let myself...

Would it be okay if we just
pretend last night didn't happen?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

I'll be right up front
about it. I have a

fetish for lesbians.
It's the pioneer in me.

Uncharted territory. Richard, if you
don't behave, I'm gonna ask you to leave.

Now, I am nervous enough
without your nonsense.

You take the no-fault
issues. I will speak to privacy.

Okay. [Inhales Deeply]

Just relax. You'll...
[Man] All rise.

[Grunts Softly]

I thought there
were three judges.

There are. They're just
giving him a head start.

Uh, who... who... What-What-What...
What is he doing here?

[John] Hammond Dearing.
Don't let his youth fool you.

- He can be prickly.
- [Man] This court is now in session.

The honorable justices Graves,
Morrison and Dearing are presiding.

Be seated.

Ms. McBeal? Wow.

At long last I know your name.

For the record, I twice asked
counsel for the petitioner out on a date,

and she twice dumped
espresso roast on my head.

If the parties have a
problem, let's address that first.

Counsel, are you
okay with me sitting?

Uh, she dumped coffee on you?

- That's correct.
- I'm okay with that.

- Ms. McBeal? Mr. Cage?
- [Ally] What about you?

Are-Are you gonna be biased?

If I thought so,
I'd recuse myself.

He is the most
progressive of the three.

We definitely want him up
there, given what we're asking for.

We're fine, Your Honor. Okay.

You are trying to
vitiate a marriage on the

grounds of fraud,
because the wife is gay.

- Is that the question?
- Uh, yes, Your Honor.

Uh, a marriage is a
contract, and like any

contract, there has to
be a meeting of the minds.

Here there clearly wasn't.

- Uh, my client had no idea...
- You're saying a marriage contract...

contains the implied
promise of heterosexuality?

Yes. Uh, in fact,

in some states, a marriage isn't even
legal until it is consummated sexually.

This isn't one of those states.

Certainly, if Evan
Stevens knew that-that...

Lisa Treadway was a
lesbian, he-he would not have...

Is it possible Ms.
Treadway didn't consider...

sexual attraction to be
material to the marriage?

Not material to the marriage?

What if Miss Treadway was heterosexual, but
she just wasn't attracted to your client?

Should we declare that
marriage a fraud and nullify it?

Well... [Exhales]

[Bones Clicking]

Um...

If a woman marries a man she has no sexual
interest in, and she doesn't tell him,

yes, I think it's fraud, and I think
the marriage should be nullified.

You make no room for the
possibility that there are couples who,

even on their wedding day, are not terribly
inclined toward one another physically?

Well...

[Graves] We should
annul all those unions?

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no. Uh, yes.

Uh, of course. Uh,
we have couples...

F-For example, I'm sure
that when ugly people marry,

uh, they're not always
physically drawn to each other,

but they still want
to get married, and if

they can only find
another ugly person, it...

I-I-I cannot believe
that I am... saying this.

Uh... Uh, l-let me, um, go back.

That'd be wise.

It is one thing for two people
to get married to each other...

without any sexual interest.

Th-That's one thing.
But it is quite another...

when one of the would-be spouses
conceals his or her sexual orientation.

- That is just fraudulent.
- So, I'm about to get married.

I have no interest sexually in
my partner. I marry her anyway,

because I love her
with all my heart.

I think she'd make a wonderful
partner and a great mother,

and I take her for
my wife. That's okay?

- Yes.
- If I'm heterosexual.

But if I'm gay, I'm not entitled
to that same opportunity?

- You're twisting my words.
- Well, why don't you
untwist them?

If you were gay and you told
your fiancée that you were gay,

and you still both agreed
to get married, that's fine.

But if you don't
tell, that's fraud.

What if he or she were
bisexual? Still a duty to disclose?

Well, I... Um...
I-I... Well, yes.

So, you are suggesting to
this court that, by marrying,

a person should legally
forfeit certain rights to privacy?

That's not what I'm saying.
You're either saying that,

Ms. McBeal, or you're
confusing this court terribly.

You know, maybe you and I should
step out and get a cup of coffee.

How often did your client and his
wife make love prior to their marriage?

Well, I certainly don't know.

Well, if sexual chemistry
is material to the

validity of the union,
shouldn't you know?

- Look, you know
what I'm talking about.
- [John] Uh, Your Honor,

if I may? No. No. You may not.

[Nose Whistles] Um,

if a person goes down
the aisle, the person...

that he or she is marrying has the
right to assume that he's straight.

And the gay person has a legal
duty to reveal his sexual preference?

Yes. Okay.

- We understand your position.
- Thank you.

Ms. Thomas, I don't think
we need to hear from you.

Do we? No.

The petitioner's motion to annul the
marriage is denied. We're adjourned.

[Gavel Raps]

Excuse me!

First of all, what the hell is the
deal, you working in a coffee shop?

I told you. I own it. What,
does a barista have a duty...

to tell his customers he's a judge
before forking over a cappuccino?

I suppose I defrauded you.

The hostility in that remark alone
tells me that you have bias in this case.

No, no, no. The hostility
suggests my impatience...

with motions brought by attorneys
which are a waste of this court's time.

This is a no-fault
state, Ms. McBeal,

the very reason for which
is to preempt the courts...

from asking the very question
you waltzed in here raising.

No-fault goes to blaming
people in a marriage.

This issue concerned whether there
was a valid marriage to begin with.

And though the question
may be a waste of your time,

it wasn't preempted by
the legislature, Your Anus.

I-I mean "Honor."

Spouses lie to each
other all the time.

Whether she is
straight or gay...

Yes, people marry for all kinds of
reasons. Some just companionship.

Some for tax benefits.
Some just to be co-parents.

The point is, the courts
don't get in there and ask why.

Legally, one takes the
other for better or worse.

You, evidently, make the assumption
gay is worse, and maybe you're right.

I do not make that assumption,
you pig. You're in contempt.

Oh, oh, gee. That'll keep
me up nights. Security.

Show Ms. McBeal to a jail cell.

- What?
- You can dump coffee on my
head when I'm a civilian,

- but in here, I'm a judge.
- A horrible one.

Take her away now.

[Toilet Flushes]

[Beeps]

Sandy. Hello.

Hi, John. Is
everything, uh, okay?

What? Oh.

Sure.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh. There you are. We're all going
down to the bar. You want to come?

Well... I can wait.

Nelle, who-who was
that who was just here?

Excuse me? There was
someone else just here.

Did you see her?
Oh, Billy's secretary?

Yes. Do you know her
name? Yeah. It's, uh...

Billy's secretary. Um... Oh,
Elaine probably knows it. Why?

No, just curious.

Yeah, I... I'll meet
you down at the bar.

Hmm. Great. Mm-hmm.

[Vonda] ♪ It ain't the
meat It's the motion ♪

To be so close
and not get to touch.

I'm sure another lesbian
will come along, sweetie.

Did you know that Ally's
in jail? Hum a few bars.

Dance?

Oh, that's sweet, but
I'm busy this lifetime.

Maybe the next one? Come on.

Such a cruel joke, God
making two of them.

[Vonda] ♪ Wrapped all
around me like a rubber band ♪

♪ It ain't the meat
It's the motion ♪

♪ That makes your
mama want to rock, yeah ♪

♪ It ain't the meat
It's the motion ♪

I can't pretend
it didn't happen.

What are you looking for, Billy?

A pretty smile with
no complications?

Maybe I'm just lookin' for a
dance. I admit it's possible.

Maybe I'm just lookin'
to be adored a little.

If I was your brother,
your best friend,

I'd give you a hundred reasons not to
dance with the guy sitting across from you.

As the guy sitting
across from you,

dance with me.

♪ It's the movement
that gives the sock ♪

♪ Well, I met a man
He was big and fat ♪

♪ Most girls today
don't like 'em like that ♪

♪ But I like to see
them big and tall ♪

♪ The bigger they come
the harder they fall ♪

Good night, Billy. ♪ It ain't
the meat It's the motion ♪

♪ That makes your
mama want to rock, yeah ♪

♪ It ain't the meat
It's the motion ♪♪

[Sighs]

[Keys Clinking]

[Groans] Well, gee.

An apology gets you out. Great.

I am deeply sorry
that you're such an ass.

Let me in. [Buzzer Buzzes]

So, what do you want now? You really didn't
have any legal merit to your case, okay?

I think you know that. That
doesn't mean I should be jailed.

You're in jail for calling me a horrible
pig. I called you a horrible judge.

You're an ordinary pig.

Wh-Wh-What is with
this-this coffee thing anyway?

It's my only opportunity to interact
with the people on the street.

Sitting on the appeals
court, all I see are

lawyers dressed in
their little designer outfits.

[Chuckles] You know, as a judge,

you should know better than to commit
a sexual as*ault against somebody.

I shouldn't have kissed
you. I'm sorry. Oh.

And I did apologize.
Wh-What were you thinking?

That you seemed vile, I still had a trace
of flu, and perhaps I could get you sick.

Okay, Ally, look. We could
sit here trading sh*ts all night.

Uh, you would lose. Perhaps.

Or... I am not getting
dinner with you.

We can't get dinner, actually.

I did have the flu last week and got
my staff sick, and I'm short on personnel.

I'm sentencing you
to community service.

I need you to make
espressos tonight.

[Stammers] You... No.
Y-You can't make me do that.

But I can ask.

Come on. You might
enjoy it. [Mutters]

- I thought you were
coming down.
- I am.

Well, could you speed it up? I'm getting
hit on left and right. It's tiresome.

Well, not by any
janitors, I hope.

What's going on with
you? Is there a problem?

You're an elitist, Nelle.

And?

And it bothers me that
you draw class distinctions.

- Oh, please.
- Well, why wouldn't you
date a janitor?

Because I prefer men
who have ambition.

- And janitors don't?
- Well, maybe they do,
but the ones I've met...

[Chuckles] Name
three you've met.

Hey, look. I don't see you
chasing after shoeshine girls or...

I'd have no problem
with a shoeshine girl.

If she were cute. So,
does that make you better?

You don't draw class
distinctions if she's a looker?

Well, aren't you the
open-minded one.

No, I give all people respect.

But I got it from you immediately
before even saying hello.

Not because I was a
lawyer... Or educated.

It had more to do with my being
beautiful and your wanting to have sex.

- No, that isn't...
- You're a hypocrite, John.

Men make class distinctions all
the time. They just go to body parts.

And you think that basing them on...
on economic status and... and job title...

Makes a hell of a
lot more sense. Yes.

I-I... Sandy, okay?

You-You don't even know
her name. Sandy who?

Well, exactly. Billy's secretary.
You don't even know her name.

And you probably wouldn't
either if she weren't so pretty.

And maybe if I weren't a senior
partner, a man with money...

But you are, John.

I fell for your package.
You fell for mine.

The packaging counted.
Why should we apologize for it?

You should apologize for it.

Well, I don't.

I don't.

[Beeping]

Uh, $1.25, please.

Thank you.

Triple sh*t, tall
percent, no whip,

half-and-half, semidry latte, double
cap, sleeve... W-W-W-W-Wait, wait, wait.

You-You can't just bark it out
like that. [Stammers] Slow down.

Tall black coffee.

[Gasps] Oh. Oh, that's funny.

Well...

Perfect. Now-Now there. Now
that looks very good on you.

Well, I'll leave it
then. Thank you.

Um, may I help you, ma'am?

- Ally?
- Sandy.

What are you doing back there?

Uh, uh, long story.
Crazy judge. [Chuckles]

Wh-What can I, uh, get for ya?

Oh, just a decaf, small.

Oh.

You don't exactly seem
like your perky self.

What's wrong?

A guy.

A guy.

Oh. Tell me.

Just coming off a divorce. Mmm.

I like him, but I don't want to be
his rebound relationship, which...

You think you would be.
Wh-What does he say?

Oh. He says...

He actually says
all the right things.

Well, you... you love him?

I like him.

I... could maybe.

It's Billy.

Oh.

Oh. Uh, well, he...
Well, Bill... Billy?

He's, um... Billy.

I'm out of my mind.

Well, the thing is that
he seems to be out of his.

Uh, look. I'm-I'm-I'm
a friend of Georgia's.

Even though I
realize that it's over...

Yeah.

Uh, hey, Sandy.

I-I'm the last
person in the world...

to give anybody
advice about love or...

Well, anything... but
I do know two things.

Well, three, actually.

Um, first,

under the bleached head, he's one
of the greatest guys I've ever met.

Second, being loved
by him, or loving him...

It's, uh, pretty special.

And third, if he's even a maybe,

you gotta check it out,

'cause guys who
could be right or...

Or even remotely
could be the one...

They don't come along often.

If... ever.

♪♪ [Pop]

[Vonda] ♪ Gimme,
gimme that ding ♪

♪ Gimme that, gimme that
Gimme, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding Gimme
that Gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding Gimme
that Gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme gimme that ding ♪

♪ Oh, gimme that, gimme that
gimme, gimme gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding Gimme
that Gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding Gimme
that Gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme gimme that ding ♪

♪ Oh, what good's a
metronome without a bell to ring ♪

John.

- ♪ How can anybody
ever tell ♪♪
- John.

That's your angry dance.
And I can explain that, Richard.

I'm angry!

Ah. Well, uh, what's wrong?

Nelle is a rich
bitch elitist snob.

Oh. You know, she
actually considers it...

beneath her to date a janitor?

How do I even go home at
night to a woman like that?

Well, there could be
worse things. Like what?

Well, you could go home and
find her with a janitor. Oh, balls.

John. It's a good thing.

Most women, when they get
married, they want that big, big house,

and the husband has to work, work, work to
be able to build her that big, big house.

And while he's working, she gets
lonely and shtups the contractor.

Circle of life, John.
You're better off with Nelle.

Do you mean that?

Let me tell ya, the little jingle
aside, all men are not created equal.

Some are big and strong,
some are short and fat,

some are clever, some are strange,
some are handsome, some aren't.

And for those non-handsome,
short, strange little men...

And I think we know who we're talking
about, John... he needs an equalizer.

The equalizer is money.
Let me say it again. Money.

Let's go for trilogy. Money.

You're-You're a funny little man
with money. And Nelle loves money.

Instead of condemning
her for her values,

you-you-you should
be grateful, otherwise...

what chance on this earth
do you stand of getting her?

Thank you, Richard.

As always, your
perspective is refreshing.

[Vonda] ♪ I love
coffee I love tea ♪

♪ I love the java
jive and it loves me ♪

♪ Coffee and tea
and the java and me ♪

♪ A cup, a cup a
cup, a cup, a cup ♪

♪ Oh, slip me a slug
from the wonderful mug ♪

♪ And I cut a rug
till I'm snug in a jug ♪

♪ Waiter, waiter, percolator ♪

[No Audible Dialogue] ♪
I love coffee I love tea ♪

♪ I love the java
jive and it loves me ♪

♪ Coffee and tea
and the java and me ♪

♪ Ooh, a cup, a
cup a cup, a cup ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪
[No Audible Dialogue]

Uh, it's... it's... it's
better than practicing law.

You-You just give your client a cup
of coffee, and... and he walks away.

Satisfied. And the most fulfilling
part is I look very good in an apron.

Yes, you do. What about you?

Uh, in an apron? Well, you seem
happier in it than you do in the robe.

Well, the robe has its perks.

Ah.

This is me.

I'd invite you in for
a cup of coffee, but...

You'd dump it on my
head. There's the chance.

[Chuckles] Look. Is
there any possibility...

I could get a real
date out of all this?

There's a... possibility.

Tomorrow night?

I'd have to check.
I kind of date a lot.

Tomorrow night
would probably work.

Good night, Hammond.

Good night.

This isn't a kiss. This would
just be a polite peck good night.

Uh, that-that was
very courteous.

[Chuckles] Night.

- Ally.
- Hmm?

Your case... did you really believe
all that stuff you were saying?

Actually, yeah. [Chuckles]

Why?

Well,

in the spirit of honesty, then,
I guess I should tell you...

I'm bisexual.

What are you gonna
do? I don't know.

This is worse than the last one.
He just turned out to be homeless.

Would-Would you
date a bisexual man?

Yes. So, why are you
seeing this as such a crisis?

Well, I'm trying to look
at it through your eyes.

When are you gonna see
him again? [Groans] Tonight.

Are you sure you
didn't agree to meet with

him sooner? It would
explain why he's here.

Hammond. Bye. Hi. Hello.

I couldn't sleep. Can we talk?

Sure.

Elaine. I know it might
seem inappropriate...

for me to stay and listen,
but just this once? Elaine.

Fine. [Clears Throat]

[Door Closes] Why
couldn't you sleep?

I kept seeing your face.
You looked a little... thrown.

Well, I-I was
probably just, um...

Well, I'm so sick and tired...

of-of guys at the end of a date
telling me that they're bisexual.

It gets old. Right. And
now you're covering.

I-I was thrown.

[Exhales] Does my
disclosure make a difference?

Yes.

Why?

Well, uh...

The truth is, I... I don't
actually date, Hammond.

N-Not for the fun of it, anyway.

I... I more like audition
potential husbands.

And... And if I don't
see any potential in it, I...

I don't waste my time.

Uh-huh. And you see no potential
in me because I'm bisexual.

Yes. Which brings
me back to why?

I... suppose I
associate a lifestyle of...

promiscuity with bisexuality.

It may not be fair, but I do.

I suppose I'm... I'm insecure...

that a bisexual man has
sexual needs that I can't fulfill.

I suppose I like to think of my husband
taking my son to a ball game and...

And not having to worry whether
daddy is checking out the pitcher's glutes.

I-I suppose I'm...
I'm nervous...

about my kids being teased...

because of their
father's sexual...

I suppose I'm... I'm
worried about diseases.

I suppose, in the end, I'm
far more h*m* than I...

ever imagined.

May I respond?

Go ahead. As for your
concern over promiscuity,

when any person gets married,
he or she pledges fidelity.

For you to assume a
bisexual person is less

able to be monogamous,
that is a prejudice.

As for taking my
son to a ball game...

If your straight husband took your
daughter to a women's basketball game...

and you were concerned about daddy
checking out the point guard's glutes,

you'd have issues to work on
with your husband, straight or not.

As for your fears of your kids
being teased, that's cowardice.

Your fears of disease...
ignorance, bias. Take your pick.

As for your all-too-comfortable
resignation to being h*m*,

without the will to root out the
"why" or the compulsion to address it,

that's as sad as
it is inexcusable.

You make for a great
judge, Hammond.

And a good guy.

But-But-But the only thing that is really
relevant in this discussion is that...

I don't want to go out with you.

[Door Closes]

Do you really want to try this?

Sandy, I'm beginning
to think you're crazier...

- Do you really
want to try this?
- You know I do.

There have to be ground rules.

No physical contact
in this office. Okay.

No flirting, no
unprofessional behavior,

no sudden expectations
of me doing your laundry.

I would never. No lying.

If there's any
relapse with Georgia...

That won't happen. No
physical contact in this office.

You said that one.
No Palmer girls.

Already gone. No
contact or unprofessional...

Sandy, I would do nothing to
jeopardize your job or your career.

I, uh, respect...

Uh, Bi...

Oh, excellent.
She'll sue. Excellent.

[Door Closes]

Great. It's already
out in the open.

Yeah.

[Toilet Flushes]

Nelle, hi. How's it goin'? Met
any cute custodians lately?

Kidding.

Ally. Everything okay?

Fine.

Look. Uh, I might be a
little off base here, but, uh...

I don't know. It...
It seems in court...

there may have been some chemistry
between you and one of those judges.

And looking at you now, I
can't help but wonder, is he bi?

Elaine hinted.

[Exhales Deeply] I think my fear
came from ignorance, Richard.

Ally, the thing you
have to remember...

50% of all marriages end in
divorce because men cheat.

Fifty percent of
married men cheat?

Oh, no, no, no. No.
Uh, 50% get caught.

What I'm trying to say
is, men have urges.

They're victims of their urges.
Imagine if Clinton were bi.

It could have been Linda Tripp under
that desk. That isn't funny, Richard.

My point is, what are your odds with this
guy? He wants to sleep with everything.

That is the same
bigotry I was guilty of.

I-I let my fear just take
me over, and... [Sighs]

and now a good man is gone.

Well... Well, if
you feel that way...

Is it too late?

No. No, Richard.

It... It isn't.

It isn't. [Chuckles] Great.

[Door Closes]

Can I talk to you?

Actually, I'm cleaning up
my office at the moment,

which I assume would
be a turnoff to you.

[Groans] Will you
drop this janitor crap?

I can't drop it. You are a
stuck-up, intolerant snob, Nelle.

Why don't you just admit it? John, have
you any clue as to how weird you are?

Look at this. [Whirring]

Huh?

Oh, and how about
this one? [Unsnaps]

Look what I put up
with. I date a man...

who has remotes
for toilets, my shoes,

my hairpins,

who can't make love to me
unless he pretends he's Barry White.

His nose whistles. And what?

You now accuse me
of not being tolerant.

Would you date me if I
didn't have money? Of course.

But would I have been as attracted
to you if you weren't successful?

Quite possibly no. And
that's what troubles me.

Well, then, you're a dweeb.

Uh... Did you say "dweeb"?

[Exhales Sharply] When you were in high
school, the girls would laugh at you, John.

You've told me yourself. The guys would
pick on you, and the girls would giggle,

and you'd say to yourself,
"One day they'll see.

One day I'll be rich and successful,
and they'll all like me then."

And what happens? You
go out and you become

rich and successful,
and everybody likes you.

And you can't handle it.

If you want people to
embrace who you used to be,

then why don't you go back to being
the dweeb you were in high school?

[Whirs]

[Vonda] ♪ I found love ♪

♪ On a two-way street ♪

♪ And lost it on a lonely
byway ♪♪ [Gasps]

♪♪ [Stops] [Record
Needle Scratches]

[Vonda] ♪ I looked at love ♪

♪ From both sides now ♪♪

♪♪ [Stops] [Record
Needle Scratches]

[Vonda] ♪ Round, round,
get around I get around ♪

[Grunting]

♪♪ [Recording Warbles, Ends]

I can jump up
and down if I want.

[Vonda] ♪ If you
want him to be ♪

♪ The very part of you ♪

♪ That makes you
want to breathe ♪

♪ Here's the thing to do ♪

♪ Tell him that you're
never gonna leave him ♪

♪ Tell him that you're
always gonna love him ♪

♪ Tell him, tell him, tell
him tell him right now ♪

♪ Whoo ♪ ♪ Tell him that
you're never gonna leave him ♪

♪ Tell him that you're
always gonna love him ♪♪

Did you come to dump
coffee on my head?

[Chuckles] No.
No, I... I came...

[Exhales Deeply] Well, I've
been rethinking, and, uh...

And?

And, um,

I agree that I am completely
guilty of bigotry and...

And?

And...

Uh... I just can't get by it.

I realize that it's
my loss, but I just...

I can't get by it.

Last night I heard you
advise a woman if...

If a guy could even
remotely be the one,

how can you not check it out?

I know.

But, um...

But sometimes
prejudice wins out.

Is that what you
came to tell me?

No.

I guess I came to say good-bye.

[Exhales Sharply]

[Vonda] ♪ If you
want him to be ♪

♪ The very part of you ♪

♪ That makes you
want to breathe ♪

♪ Here's the thing to do ♪

♪ Tell him that you're
never gonna leave him ♪

♪ Tell him that you're
always gonna love him ♪

♪ Tell him, tell him, tell
him tell him right now ♪♪

[Woman] You stinker!