20x13 - Lawyer Guy

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Dinnertime, everyone.

You know what I'm craving? Lobster.

Your lobster today is Dinty Moore stew

from a can too dented to risk on people.

What does "Dinty" even mean?
Is it an adjective or a guy?

Or a contraction, like,

"Boy, he really screwed up
that meal, din't he?"

I mean, Dinty Moore?
How about Dinty Less, right?

Gold. All of this.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it. It might be Jabberjaw.

Uh, you kids don't remember Jabberjaw,

but your father very badly
wants to meet Jabberjaw.

It came! My hammock came!

Yay, you brought loud energy
into the dining room!

Why did you get a hammock, Peter?

Well, the year was a terrible year

for the Corona beer company,
so they had to sell off

all their TV commercial hammocks.

And owning a hammock from TV
has always been

my third-biggest dream.

- My first big...
- Meet Jabberjaw.

Okay, you know about Jabberjaw.

And then my other dream
is to be an NFL referee.

(FOOTBALL THUDS)

It's good, it's good.
The-the-the kick was good.

Hammock life is the best life, Chris.

Yeah, you clearly wanted
to be seen lying in a hammock,

so I'm glad I could do that for you.

Now, to drink lemonade
with a southern drawl.

(ENGLISH ACCENT): Chip, chip,
guv'nor. Shrimp on the barbie.

(CHUCKLES)
You sound like Colonel Sanders.

(SHOUTS)

- (REGULAR VOICE): Damn it.
- Oh, no.

The neighbor's sprinkler
ruined whatever this is.

Not so fast, Chris.
I don't give up that easy.

Good for you, Dad.

Go knock on the neighbor's door

and have a mildly
uncomfortable conversation.

I give up.

Peter, uh, we can't start
until you start.

I'm sorry, g*ng, I'm just so mad
at my backyard neighbor.

- What's the problem?
- He's got a sprinkler

going nuts and spraying on my property.

- I just don't know what to do.
- (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hang on while I close this law book

and return it to a shelf of law books.

Have you been injured in an accident?

Man, I hope so. I'm Brick Baker.

My mama didn't raise no dummy.

And I'm here to get you money.

That almost rhymes.

My specialities are contract law

and kicking bitch ass for you.

Also probate.

You trip and fall? Got a dog bite?

You used baby powder on
your vag*na, you crazy person?

Well, if you haven't, start doing it.

Brick Baker's getting you paid.

Ha! You need hot, fresh justice,
so call da Baker.

I said I wasn't wearing that!

Maybe you should hire that lawyer

to sue the problem neighbor you got.

Hey, great idea, Cleveland.
I loved his little judge hammer.

Gavel, it's called.

N-N-N-N-N-Now, because this
is a regional commercial,

it's gonna end
just a half a second too early.

But remember, call ...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Griffin,
I've reviewed your complaint,

and I think you have an excellent case.

That's great.

N-N-N-N-N-Now,
can I tell you something off the record?

"Live At Bird land, Art Blakey Quartet,

Blue Note Records, ."

Okay, I can see that I came
to the right lawyer.

N-N-N-Now, I just need to file a brief.

Yeah, this-this is gonna
work out. I want to hire you.

Excellent. Let me just
type up your filing.

Name: Peter Griffin.

Favorite WNBA Team...
That's a weird second question.

I'll put "Dallas Wings."

Home address...

Wait, you live at Spooner Street?

Yeah, cross street: Forker Lane.

Out in Cutlery Estates.
Is that a problem?

Um, nope. No problem.

I got you, Peter Griffin.

When we goes to court,
I will be right there with you.

Just like I say
on my local cable commercial,

"With Brick by your side, you can't..."

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Thanks for helping me find
a lobster roll truck

on Instagram, Stewie.

Eh, I just wish we didn't have to go

to this stupid, gentrified waterfront.

This place was so much better

when it sucked and we never came here.

Well, here's our lobster roll truck.

HIPSTER: Uh, hey, guys?

You're cutting in line.

It starts back there.

What? No.

All I wanted was just
some decent lobster.

You know, Bri, they're right
out there, up for grabs.

We should just go
straight to the source.

What are you even suggesting, Stewie?

That we, what, we get a lobster
boat and be lobster men?

Yeah.

Hey, Peter, where's the
defendant? And where's Brick?

Sorry I'm late. I had to make
these small desserts

change their ways.

Ha. Tort reform.

Anyway, let's get this started.

Wha... Why are you standing there?

You're supposed to be over here,
suing my neighbor.

Uh, Peter, I am your neighbor.

(GASPS) You're my neighbor?

You're the defendant?

And I'm the courtroom sketch artist?

I drew a Far Side.

I hire you to sue my neighbor,

and you don't tell me
you're my neighbor?

- That's so unethical.
- Whoa.

I may not have gone
to Harvard Law School,

and I don't even know if you keep track

- of who went to Harvard Law School
- I don't.

...but I did not go to
Harvard Law School

just to have my integrity questioned.

But you said you'd be my lawyer.

Did I, Peter? Think back.

I really want you to think back
really quickly.

Peter, we could've had fun, but I d*ed.

Yeesh. I-I don't want
to think anymore for a while.

Gentlemen, the jury's waiting.

Your Honor, you got to understand,

I thought I had a lawyer, but now...

Very well. I'll grant a continuance

and just enter into the court
record that you're a chicken.

Wait, what?

It's perfectly routine.

I just note that Peter Griffin

has to run and hide
behind his lawyer daddy.

What... n-no. I don't need a lawyer.

I'm gonna b*at Brick Baker
all on my own.

But I don't got an opening statement.
Ooh.

I move for a five-minute recess.

(LAUGHS)

- I'm worried for Peter.
- I'll say.

Brick Baker's gonna win, easy.

Look, he's leaned back with his feet up,

confidently whistling.

(EXHALING SHARPLY)

He's, uh, he's not very good
at whistling,

but he's doing the other stuff.

I can't believe we're doing this.

We're actually going lobster fishing.

Our way of life is disappearing, Bri.

Stewie, we got the boat
minutes ago. Settle down.

How'd we get the boat, anyway?

Traded it for opioids from
a working-class New Englander

- hooked on opioids.
- Huh.

All right, well, I got
lobster pots, trammel nets,

buoys, chum, rope,
flotation gear and a radio.

- What do you got?
- Opioids.

Stewie, stop screwing around
and give me those opioids

and go get me some more opioids.

Uh, let me check on Rupert first.

Rupert, how you doing
with that double sheet bend?

Okay, apparently I said
"half hitch" or whatever.

- I don't even know why you brought him.
- Let's not talk about it.

He gets so jealous
when you and I hang out.

Well, tell him he doesn't
have anything to worry about.

He doesn't?

Mr. Griffin, this has been
a huge waste of time.

I hereby find for the defendant,
effective as of the moment

- I slam down my gavel uninterrup...
- Wait!

Your Honor, we have
evidence relevant to this case.

Who are you? And what kind of evidence?

I'm an HOA d*ck,
and I found bylaws proving

that Brick used his sprinklers
on incorrect Tuesdays.

I'm a cop, and I'm gonna
suspiciously turn off

my body cam, in case
something sketchy goes down.

And I found Quahog's original
survey maps,

proving that Brick's sprinklers
aren't even on his own property.

What?

The town surveyor
was being pestered by a bee,

so the property lines
were all twisty-turny.

Oh, that's why his statue's like that.

Well, this is more than enough
evidence for cartoon court.

I find for the plaintiff.

- Yeah!
- We did it!

Talk about "all rise." Giggity!

G-G-I-T-Y.

Yeah, there's-there's no Ds
in "giggity."

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Three hours of lobster fishing
and nothing.

You shouldn't have dumped
all my Percocets in the water.

Now the lobsters are just down
there hanging out

and defrauding the government
for disability checks.

Should we drop our traps somewhere else?

Like where?

I don't know,
maybe we try David Harbour.

It's that harbor nobody even
heard of until three years ago,

and now all of a sudden it's huge.

Eh, we could try Michael Bay.

Although I hear that bay
was mean to Megan Fox.

Maybe Roger Waters?

- George Strait?
- Billy Ocean?

- Ricki Lake?
- River Phoenix?

How are those celebrity
water puns working out?

- Welp, this has been a bust.
- Sea Thomas Howell?

Anyway, your guys' were good, too.

Uhp, we're due
for an eight-second squall.

I got to go have an overacting scene

where I curse God in a boat storm.

♪ ♪

Strike me down, you coward.

I have big feelings about weather.

The storm symbolizes my madness.

This is worth it for fish.

Well, Rupert, clear one
BAFTA's-worth of space

on the trophy shelf.

Rupert?

Rupert.

No!

How did he sink so fast?

He might h-have a string of metal balls

- uh, hidden within?
- What?

We've been together a long time, Brian.

We have to do things to keep it fresh.

Hey there, company.

Hey, brother. Wakanda forever.

- Oh, I don't know.
- What do you want, Brick?

Just came to congratulate you.

Thought I'd be the bigger man.

Bigger man? You been talking to Lois?

She doesn't measure from the right spot.

So, no hard feelings?

You have been talking to Lois.

Listen, the moral of the story is this:

watching you all in the court
today, I realized something.

I may have a fancy law degree
and a phone number

with all twos in it... (GIGGLES)

...but, Peter, you have friends.

And no one can ever take them
away from you.

He said that weird.

And I bought you a gift:

four tickets
to today's matinee performance

of Surfin' Bird: An American Musical.

(GASPS)

- Awesome!
- Live theater!

We'll get to see
Law & Order extras onstage!

Live stage plays are so great.

I hope there's a gentle jibe
about Republicans

so we can have a smug laugh.

You gentlemen are in the front row.

- Aw, sweet.
- Oh, but not you, sir.

You're all the way back in the very top.

What?

Yeah, just keep going up until
you see three corpses in parkas.

(IN DISTANCE): ♪ Bird, bird,
well, the bird is the word ♪

♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word... ♪

Man, this sucks.

The stage is so way down there,

the sound doesn't even travel this far.

The whole show's just being
relayed by some New York mook.

Uh, they're saying everybody's
heard about the bird.

And it goes on, and so forth.

Okay, now they're saying
what the word is.

Bird. It's bird.

Well, may as well take a terrible,

faraway stage picture
that I'll never look at again.

♪ Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word ♪

♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird... ♪

Aw, Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire
are having such a good time.

♪ A-well, a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word... ♪

(GASPS) With Brick?

♪ Bird, bird, bird... ♪

Crap, now they're getting pulled up

onstage to sing together.

Surely they won't be given
inflatable electric guitars.

Oh! They're being given
inflatable electric guitars.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, man, and now the early
reviews are coming in.

♪ A-well, a bird ♪

♪ Surfin' bird... ♪

It's, it's like Brick Baker has
taken my friends away from me.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Now what's this?

An unsolicited email from
a local mom I have a crush on?

"Hi, Peter, it's Judy,
just thinking of you.

"I've joined the team
at North Star Realty,

and if you're ever thinking
of selling your home..."

Well, that's disappointing.

Jabberjaw?

Brick, get in the photo,
you old so-and-so.

"Old so-and-so" is my nickname.

Hey, Peter.

Look who decided to drop by.

Hey, why so glum, you old so-and-so?

All right, that's it.

You like hanging out with Brick? Fine.

I don't need you guys.

You people are backstabbers.
Like Stabby McBackerson.

Honey? Lee Harvey?
Dinner's on the table.

(g*nsh*t)

Well, when can you take a break?

Okay, that's a mix-up. That was, uh,

that was Lee Harvey Oswald
working from home.

We have to save Rupert. We have to.

I know, Stewie, but look.

Our only chance is if he's up here

on the Phoebe Waller-Ridge.

We'll never reach him
if he's fallen down into

the Lin-Manuel Mariana Trench.

Also, Harrison Fjord.

Or-or yours. Y-Yours are good, too.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(BRIAN SCREAMING)

(BRIAN SCREAMING)

And just like that, Rupert sank forever

into the inky deep.

Also, did you know that the ocean is

% fish whiz?

All this and more on West's Wonders.

Okay, top five racks in ' s movies. Go.

I'll bite. Maggie Smith,
Death on the Nile.

Right rack, wrong decade. Who's next?

What the hell is he doing?

His friends ditched him for Brick Baker,

so he's trying to recreate
the friend experience with us.

- What? No.
- Also, he's still butt hurt

'cause Judy from down the street
sent him an email,

but it was for her realty business,
so...

Okay, that's enough!
(GROANS) Forget this.

I thought it'd be nice
hanging with family,

but it's a disaster.

Like Lee Harvey Oswald
working from home.

This is the tenth one
of these this month.

What do you think,
Detective McBackerson?

Yeah, no, they seem unrelated
and random,

and probably accidents?

What was that?

That was "someone's getting
fired," is what that was.

What are you doing, Brian?
We have to go back.

Stewie, it's over.

Rupert's fallen way too deep.
We can't get to him.

But he's my friend.
We can't just leave him there.

I'm afraid we have to, Stewie.

Even if he is muling your marital aids.

You know what? I don't care what you do.

I'm going back to save Rupert.

Fine. Go ahead and try.
You'll be back in one minute.

That's just enough time for me
to remember the name

of the main guy in That Thing You Do.

Let's see, it was a three-name guy.

Uh, Paul... Paul Michael Scott? Thomas?

Okay, I just need to go
through every combination

of Scott, Michael and Thomas,
and I'll get it.

Uh, no, wait, Boo, Boo? Boopy Rafferty?

Boop... No? Bachman? Todd. Bachman Todd!

That Thing You Do, starring Tom Hanks

and Bachman Todd! Yeah, yeah.

Okay, I see the poster now. (CHUCKLES)

Whew. What a relief.
Okay, mystery solved.

♪ ♪

(CRACKING)

(CRUNCHING)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh...

(LAUGHTER)

CLEVELAND: Yeah! All right!

Stupid Brick and the stupid guys.

Probably doing lame stuff.

JOE: Wow, this is the longest
Slip 'N Slide in the world.

BRICK: N-N-N-N-Now,
hold up. Remember the rule.

Before you slide on it,
you gots to yell out

who you miss right now.

JOE: Nobody! Whee!

I got to get my friends back.

- (ALL LAUGHING)
- All right.

- (CHEERING)
- Guys, wait.

- Peter?
- Why you hanging out with Brick?

Sure, he may be cool and smart,

but he doesn't know you like I do.

How do you mean?

I know all about you guys.

Quagmire, you like a beer
from time to time.

And, Cleveland, you don't mind
a cold one after work.

And you, Joe, you like to relax
with an ice-cold beer.

Wow, he really does know us.

What do you say? Let's get out of here

and be friends again.

- I think you guys should go with him.
- Huh?

I've had fun with your crew, Peter,

but the truth is, this whole time,

all they talked about was you.

They did? Li-Like what?

Something about a bet they had
that you won't live

past the age of .

You guys.

They noticed you had
your hand in your pants

the whole time during the Magic Mike.

Only a friend would know that.

They also said you don't know
how to tie your shoes.

You just mash the laces inside.

I do that for time.

So go on, guys, Peter's your friend.

I'm just some dude on the block.
It's okay.

You're right, Brick.

Because if there's anything
we've learned

after all these years
with Peter, it's...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

TV ANNOUNCER: Stay
tuned for That Thing You Do,

starring Tom Hanks and Bachman Todd.

BRIAN (IN DISTANCE): Aha! I knew it.

Well, Peter, I'm glad
everything's back to normal,

and you got your friends back.

But I feel like you
got off on the wrong foot

- with our new neighbor.
- You're right, Lois.

I'm gonna go take care
of that right now.

Brick, I just want to apologize

for how things got started between us.

I can see that you're a good guy,

and I want to welcome you
to the neighborhood.

What? I was just practicing.