ALLY:
It all started with his smile.
I've heard that when you trace
the origin of trouble...
... more times than not
it can lead to a smile.
I need you...
...to sign there. Sign there.
We were dotting the I's
on a settlement.
The case was over and he
seemed so happy.
Which is unusual for a lawyer.
If not illegal.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
You have a smile that seems
to embrace life.
Either you never married
or you b*at cancer.
Well, I did marry, but she d*ed.
Oh.
Of cancer.
I am so sorry.
No, it's all right. But I will
accept the compliment on my smile.
- How do you do it, really?
- Do what?
Smile like that.
So genuine, so...
...like everything will be okay.
Well, I close my eyes...
...and I say to myself aloud,
but in a very low voice:
"Everything's going to be okay."
I'm not sure why...
... but I wanted some of what
he had inside him.
Then it just happened.
- Would you like to get dinner?
- Sure.
I accepted my very first
date with...
... an "old" person.
VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road
Two's a Crowd
Walking the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can 't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready
For what love has to bring
I got myself together
Yeah, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Oh, baby, yeah
Oh, yeah
ALLY: They say that after breaking up,
a woman will date anybody.
They also say that men
can pick up on that.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Do you want to catch a movie?
I'm in my 30s.
It's no big deal...
... going out with a guy
in his 50s.
What's disconcerting was getting
that little intuitive pang inside...
... that says it could be
something serious.
That inner voice that screams out:
Buy a new dress.
How'd she cause the breakup?
Because I followed her advice.
I did everything she told me to...
...only to have my husband walk out
on me for good.
This is Wanda Spickett.
She's the one suing the doctor.
Doctor, yeah. I doubt she's
even a real doctor.
She has no business advising
people how to save marriages.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You took her seminar...
- More like a workshop.
"How to Satisfy Your Man."
Every month.
She starts a new one tomorrow.
I have half a mind to go there and
tell her students she's a fraud.
Okay. And based on this
doctor's advice...?
I did what she said. My husband
dumped me like toxic waste.
What was her advice?
Basically, that the woman
should make sacrifices.
We should be submissive.
You know, like Baptists.
When he comes home, greet him...
...with slippers, a meal and fellatio.
Fellatio!
You know what my husband said?
He said getting oral sex from me
was like walking on a high wire.
Either way,
you don't want to look down.
- This woman is my doctor. I think...
- Whoa, whoa.
Are you sure he didn't leave you
for being unattractive?
It was the putrid advice
I got from that guru.
I want to sue her.
How long have you known me?
- Seven, eight years?
- About.
In that time, have you known me
to be morally conflicted?
- Never.
- So you'll understand...
...how I need your help here.
- What?
Well, Mark. I like Mark,
as I'm sure you do.
I want him to be happy.
He's dating a woman.
She's got so many nice qualities,
but one of them is a penis.
Ally?
- Are you there?
- Did you say that she has a penis?
Yes. That's not my problem.
It's certainly his.
My conflict is, should I tell?
I learned this through a privilege,
even though it extends to the firm...
...she forbade me from telling him.
He's falling in love with her.
Don't I have a duty? Shouldn't I
slip him a note? Something?
- The woman Mark is dating has a penis?
- Yes.
It's not right.
ALLY: Ordinarily, Mark would win the
contest for having the worst problem.
Even though he has yet to discover it.
But these aren 't ordinary times.
There must be some mistake.
This is your table, sir.
As soon as you meet one man...
... they all come out.
- He's perfect.
- Do you have another?
I'm on a date, so I can 't have him.
We have a table in the back.
This way.
Sorry to disturb you.
It's okay.
This is the thing about dating
somebody older:
Young beautiful things get dangled
in front of you.
Ally.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.
- I was in court...
...in front of Judge Swackheim
who threatened us with contempt...
...if we didn't complete
our pretrial memos.
It's an environmental pro bono case,
and it's k*lling me.
- The environment is your client?
- Funny.
It is a nonprofit organization...
...and I'm a softy for clean air.
I've been so wanting to meet a guy
who 's not all about money.
- Could we have a bottle of Cristal?
WAITER: Right away.
And who 's got plenty of it.
The truth is, the conversation
struggled for a while.
We both loved movies,
but different ones.
We both liked sports,
but different ones.
We both were afraid of George Bush,
but different ones.
It wasn 't until the end of the dinner
that we connected on a common interest.
One thing that we were both
passionate about.
The one thing that can truly
alter a person 's life:
[SINGS A DISCO SONG]
Disco.
For a single guy in the '70s,
disco was a way to meet women.
For a little girl in her preteens...
... the outfits made for
the best Halloween costumes.
Can I steal you a second?
It's important.
Okay.
Oh, let's go 'round, yeah
And we're suing the guru
for causing the breakup.
- Sounds like a tough case to me.
- Yeah, it is.
It so happens she's starting
another workshop tomorrow.
I want you to enroll.
What?
We need an inside peek
at this seminar.
- The things she teaches.
- Why don't you enroll?
If I show up saying it's hard
for me to hold on to a man...
...don't you think she'd be
a tad suspicious?
Let me put it another way.
I'm the attorney. I can't also
be a potential witness.
Look, all you have to do is go
and listen and take notes.
Please?
All right.
Thank you.
Who's that old thing with Ally?
ALLY:
It started with disco.
But as the night went on, we could
suddenly talk about everything.
I really started to believe
that a 30-year-old woman...
... has more in common with a
50-year-old than a guy her own age.
Of course, it still seemed like hard
bodies were now everywhere.
Though it was probably my imagination.
I only started dating a year ago.
After nine years of being single?
The kids have only been out
of the house for five.
Plus, you know how terrifying
dating can be?
Uh, no. Tell me about it.
MICHAEL:
Not to mention painful.
When you're younger, at the end of
the day you have all this energy.
When you get older and tired...
Older, you know, has its
advantages, if you ask me.
Younger guys, they...
They only want one thing.
You know what? As a man who used to
be younger, I take offense to that.
I just keep thinking about your smile.
I don't know why a smile
should fascinate me.
ALLY:
Maybe because I don 't remember how.
Well, you know, most lawyers
hate what they do, Ally.
People generally feel what
they do is what they are.
It naturally follows that they
end up hating themselves.
I get up in the morning, I watch
what I eat and I watch what I do.
It was one of those almost-perfect
fall nights.
I should've known I was
in for something unexpected.
Speaking of which...
Isn 't good for you
Mark.
Yeah?
And this boy won 't be happy
I'm...
You're such a great guy.
I just want you to know that.
- You seem scared.
- No, I'm apprehensive, maybe.
I've just had some relationships
end abruptly.
I'm not going anywhere.
Promise?
I promise.
Richard.
It's not right.
You will keep your mouth quiet.
That boy won 't be happy
Aren't you afraid
of a heart att*ck?
He's in good shape.
Mid-50s is not that old.
- Who are you kidding? He's a fossil.
- I like older men.
It's not until their peter peters
that you can have a conversation.
- He's not fat, is he?
- An old guy had a heart att*ck on me.
It was awful. I thought I was really
good. Who knew he was dying?
Can you imagine dying that way?
Naked, your thingy all out
and messy. Yuck.
He's in good health. And I haven't
even kissed him, by the way.
These slumber parties have
cheered me up enough.
We don't need to keep having them.
I have to get going. My classes start
today. "How to Satisfy a Man."
Enrollees can bring guests for the
first class. You might as well come.
- What is this?
NELLE: It's for a case.
An alleged doctor's teaching a course
on keeping a man happy.
How about how to keep a man, period.
Speak for yourself.
That's right. You have your Richard.
Tell me, Ling. What's your secret?
I have my secrets,
thank you very much.
Oh, please.
- I do.
- Oh, well, then tell us, Ling!
- Please? Give us poor, poor girls...
- Oh, do tell.
There's no general rules...
...which is why I have a problem
with this doctor's seminar.
Every trick is man-specific.
With Richard...
I won't tell you.
- Come on!
- You have to!
All right. Between us.
Never leaves this room.
I take a little adhesive.
I tape 100-dollar bills to my
privates, wear them all day long.
Nighttime, I get into bed.
I'm beautiful, naked...
...smell like money.
It drives him wild.
Oh, wow.
Mark.
Hey.
- How's it going?
- Fine.
Great. So...
You and Cindy?
Thing's going okay there?
Why are you taking such interest
in my relationship with Cindy?
To be completely honest, which you
know I'm not comfortable being...
...Cindy...
You want her for yourself?
Richard.
Are you okay?
Fine, fine, fine.
No, it's just the thought of something
wrong going down the windpipe.
The thing is, I feel you met
Cindy as a result of me.
And as Cupid, you know, it
was my arrow that kind of...
Mark, Cindy? She has an arrow.
What are you talking about?
Ally? Wait? Excuse me.
Have you given any more
thought to my conflict?
- I don't think you should tell him.
- He's falling in love with her.
Maybe he'll be open-minded.
Guys can be more accepting than you
know when it comes to women they love.
Have you ever known one
to accept a penis?
- Richard...
- John, John.
- I need your input.
- Richard!
No, up till now I've been asking
women. I want to consult with a man.
This is an absolute secret.
You cannot repeat it.
I need your advice. This came close
to keeping me awake last night.
- Richard!
- No.
- Cindy. You've seen her, right?
- Quite fetching.
Cindy has a secret which
I know and Mark doesn't.
The issue is, do I tell?
- Is it material?
- Extremely. She has a penis.
[NOSE WHISTLES]
ALLY:
I think all men are h*m*.
The bigots consider gayness
a disease...
... the more enlightened ones don 't.
Because they're afraid of catching it.
Sorry.
No, no, that was my fault. I was...
You were the one at
my table last night.
Oh, that was your table?
Then why didn 't you sit down?
Well, no. There was a mix-up.
Are you eating there again?
No. I'm gonna go upstairs
to an office.
It's nice to see you again.
You too.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry, but I kind of
believe in fate.
The combination of fate and no
wedding ring on your finger...
Would you like dinner?
I don 't juggle. It's what
I despise most about dating.
I'd love to.
- I'm Jonathan.
- Ally McBeal.
I work at Cage and Fish.
You can call me there.
A lawyer? Great.
- You have something against lawyers?
- Everything. I am one.
Ah.
We can spend dinner overcoming
negative first impressions.
Yeah.
ALLY: I spent lunch pretending
to listen to Michael...
... while I was really
thinking about Jonathan.
I have this really weird habit.
Whenever I think about sex,
I use my napkin a lot.
Maybe because it's messy.
I wasn 't less interested in Michael.
I liked them both.
I hope he's talking about something
I should smile about.
Men try to be funny on dates,
so every minute and a half...
... I just take a sh*t
and laugh a little.
I can still smell Jonathan.
So she said goodbye
to the family and...
...she passed away.
That's cute.
The thing about men? They start
life nursing from their mothers.
As little boys, they're pampered.
It's that pampering they
still crave, even as adults.
Should we write this down?
- I'm taping it.
- Shh.
- In the work place, that may be true.
But in the home, we have never had
a higher rate of failure.
That's because women today
want careers.
And even the women
who don't work want autonomy.
What the man wants at home
is a support system.
Men get beaten up out there by their
bosses, competitors, colleagues.
They have wounds, inside and out.
When he opens the door,
Says, "I'm home"
Be aware of the look in his eyes
They tell you the mood he's in
What kind of day it's been
For the love of him
Make him your reason for living
Give all the love you can give him
All the love you can
Little things he forgets to do
Have you told him today,
"I love you"
When he reaches out, be there
Show him that someone cares
Everybody!
For the love of him
Make him your reason for living
Give all the love you can give him
All the love you can
Thank you.
RENEE: So you're seeing two guys
at the same time?
What makes you think they're not?
It's just I kind of told Michael before
that I wasn't seeing anybody else.
So what? Dating is not
a truthful business.
- It isn't?
- Of course not.
You put on makeup so they don't
see what you really look like.
You laugh at each other's jokes,
even if they're not funny.
No, dating is about presenting
a person you think he wants to see.
No girl ever lets a guy know
who and what she really is.
- Am I wrong?
- No, I suppose you're not.
Start telling the truth on a first
date, or you'll never get a second.
I've told some guys...
...I'm still a virgin.
And they believe it too.
They want to.
Some guys I've told that I've never
even seen a peppermint stick.
- You ever try that?
- Oh, that is very funny.
So everybody knows!
What's up with her?
Excuse me.
What'd I say?
Cindy!
Oh, excuse me.
Can I talk to you...?
- Thank you. I'm really...
- Everybody doesn't know.
My friend, Renee, she had no
idea what she was saying in there.
Obviously you know.
Yes.
That's because everybody runs
to me with their problems...
...because I have a conscience.
Can I talk to you in private?
- Richard told me...
- I don't believe this!
- He's so unethical.
- Exactly.
He can't deal with an ethical problem.
He thinks that moral fiber
comes in a breakfast cereal.
He was completely ill-equipped
to handle this, so he came to me.
What did you tell him?
That he shouldn't tell Mark.
But I think you should.
I didn't ask you what
you think, Ms. McBeal.
Forgive me, but public opinion has
never been a big influence in my life.
He's in love with you.
Did he tell you that?
He didn't have to. We can all see it.
Taking you to the same restaurant
isn't good.
It's in his office building.
I think he's trying to show me off.
And what about Jonathan?
Drinks Wednesday night,
so keep Thursday morning clear.
- Ally, hello? Today is Wednesday.
- What?
- It has been ever since this morning.
- Today is... Oh, God.
You're double booked. I love it.
I can't cancel a first date.
You can't blow a guy off a half-hour
before dinner, either. You're cooked.
Wait. There's no reason
why I can't do both.
Dinner is over by 8, and I'm
meeting Jonathan at 9. It's doable.
But are you doable?
Twice in one night?
It is just dinner and just drinks.
Sorry to put a damper on your
vicarious life.
- I'm sorry, Ally.
- Mark.
Mark, is everything okay?
Yeah. Sure.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
Mark.
I think I'm getting dumped.
- Why?
- Cindy wants to talk about something.
It sounded a little ominous.
I think I'm toast.
Oh.
Well, don't jump to conclusions.
Just hear what she has to say.
I can guess what she has to say.
She seemed distant at lunch.
There might be circumcisions that you
don't know about. Circumstances.
Just see what the night brings.
- This is so beyond bogus.
- Just let me handle it.
If I believed you could handle it,
I wouldn't have insisted on coming.
- We're in the conference room.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
Six o'clock.
Is this when old people usually eat?
I have an 8:00 meeting, thank you.
I was desperate to sandwich you in.
That is a sandwich I would like.
ALLY:
I'm thinking about sex with him now.
Is this our second or third date?
- Do lunches count?
- Why?
I don't know. Just asking.
Have you lied to me yet?
I can 't believe that
came out of my mouth.
I beg your pardon?
People kind of lie a little
on early dates.
I've been told. Have you?
Actually...
...yes.
- Your wife isn't really dead.
- Oh, no. She is dead.
I can 't believe
I'm saying these things.
I'm so sorry. That is...
That is so inappropriate.
The fact that you told me
that you lied...
...it threw me. What was the lie?
Okay.
The truth is...
...I hate disco.
When I first heard it,
it made me want to vomit.
Last night, I was nauseous.
Oh.
Well, that's okay.
So you're probably into what?
Perry Como?
Perry was just a stage with me.
Who's your favorite band?
- Oh, never mind.
- Why?
You'll just laugh.
- No, I won't laugh.
- Never mind.
I won't laugh. Tell me.
Okay.
Neil Diamond.
Oh, he's... Neil.
He's nice.
No. People forget
how fantastic his songs were.
In college, I was in a band
and every time I would play Neil...
...I would have the room
eating out of my hand.
You were in a band?
Keyboards.
Oh, well they have a piano here.
Sorry?
Go play me something
from Neil Diamond.
I never put down the working woman.
Do I look like the welfare blob?
I'm all for women of power, women
of strength, women of substance.
What I said was, men don't want it.
And they don't.
Did you not, as a doctor, counsel
these women to be subordinate?
Did you not, as a doctor,
advise them never to get upset...
...or complicate his day?
I counsel them to have dinner ready...
...to keep the carpet clean...
...and, should you feel like blowing
your top, blow his instead.
Is it sacrificing? Yes.
That's what the course was about.
Why? Because that's what men want.
And if you want somebody to sue,
sue society.
The moment I became a pushover,
like you said, he walked out.
Honey, I don't know you personally...
...but at first blush, I am picking
up on so many things to dislike.
What you need to do is go out and find
a fat guy with no teeth.
The man with no other choices,
he is your demographic.
Oh, we will go forward
with this lawsuit, Ms. Grouper.
Ooh! More threats from the Pokemon.
If this goes to trial, everything
about her becomes relevant.
Including why her husband left her.
My bet would be
he got his eyesight back.
Sue away! I'd love for this
to go to a jury.
You know why?
I'm lovable.
Hey.
Cindy. Hey.
- How are you?
- I'm fine. How are you?
A little freaked, actually.
- On the phone, you said...
- Yeah.
What's the matter?
Tell me.
Actually, I...
Let's go out and have a good time.
Cindy...
No, I want to have a nice dinner
and go out dancing.
And we can talk later.
Please?
Sure.
Sweet Caroline
Good times never seemed so good
Whoa, whoa, I'd be inclined
To believe they never would
Oh, yeah
Sweet Caroline
ALLY:
There was something about him.
I could tell he lives
for the right reason...
... and loves for the right reason.
As I listened, the whole world
shrank to the size of the room.
There was only one thing that stopped
me from walking up...
... and asking him to marry me:
I had another date.
Mr. Big Stuff
Who do you think you are?
Mr. Big Stuff
ALLY:
And this guy was great too.
I'd look at Jonathan and think:
"It'd be nice to forge through
the years figuring out life together. "
And then I'd think, "Michael. Wow."
He's done all the work
and can give me the answers.
Do you think I can afford
To give you my love?
Hello.
My roommate. She lives to t*rture me.
- You know this woman?
- Like a sister.
Think you might send her away?
Mr. Big Stuff
You're never gonna get my love
Now I know all the girls
I've seen you with
- I ordered a private performance.
- Nice.
I pull out all the stops.
Mr. Big Stuff
Who do you think you are?
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
Cindy? Whatever it is, just tell me.
No, this is not the time or the place.
Well, it's making me a little crazy.
How about a clue?
Hold me close.
Closer.
You haven 't learned
Mr. Big Stuff, tell me
Surprise.
You're never gonna make me cry
Mr. Big Stuff, tell me
MARK:
So you knew?
She told me in confidence.
Made me promise not to tell.
I tried to give you a hint.
Everything about him... Her...
...was so perfect.
You know, these things happen, Mark.
What do you mean?
"These things happen"?
My girlfriend has a penis!
These things don't happen!
Can I just say one thing?
It's not easy finding a person
to love in this world, Mark.
And whoever you end up with,
she won't be perfect.
Cindy is beautiful.
When people see you with her,
they're more impressed with you.
I'm saying don't dump her.
Use her as bait to attract
other beautiful women.
Ones without meat whistles.
Well, nobody loves a sage.
I don't know why you have
to talk to him.
As horrible as this
woman is, she's pretty on target.
- If you insist on going forward...
- I do.
We have to at least explore your
ex-husband's reasons for leaving you.
- Jonathan is here.
- What?
He just went to the unisex.
He brought you these.
- Wow!
- Wow is right.
There's three decent guys
in this town.
You've got two.
Mark's got the other.
That's real funny, Elaine.
He took it hard.
Ally.
Michael.
What a surprise.
Well, I was in the neighborhood...
Actually, I wasn't.
That was a lie too.
I just came to see you.
Nice flowers.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Can you excuse me for one second?
ALLY: Keep Jonathan in the bathroom.
- How?
Use your imagination. Keep him
there until I get rid of Michael.
Well...
So...
Well, what a shock... Surprise.
Would you have dinner again
with me tonight?
You came here just to ask me that?
Oh. Hello.
I'm Elaine.
Yes, we just met two seconds ago.
Oh, right.
Before you go...
...we are conducting a poll...
...on people's feelings
about the unisex.
Maybe I can ask you a few questions?
Maybe some other time.
Your family?
My kids. There's only two.
It shouldn't be too bad.
I really want you to meet them.
Wow, that's kind of a big deal.
I...
I know.
JONATHAN: Get off me!
- Sure. Great.
That'd be great.
Why don't you call me later...
...and tell me what time.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
So I'll see you tonight.
Here you go. I'll see you later...
...tonight. Bye.
Get off of me!
Elaine! No!
Bad girl! Bad!
Go to my office! No!
- She's a guard secretary.
- She's crazy.
I just don't have the heart
to fire her.
Well, I didn't mean
to interrupt your day.
I can't stop thinking about you.
You've been on my top two
thoughts as well.
Sorry?
It's a little joke. Nothing.
You are so beautiful.
Do you know that?
Well, thank you.
Can I see you tonight?
Tonight's tough.
Tomorrow?
Great. Great.
I'll call.
Okay. Bye.
You are headed for trouble.
Give me one.
And she says it's when she became more
submissive that you left her.
It wasn't exactly that.
Can you tell us what it was?
I'm not comfortable.
Mr. Spickett,
I know this is difficult.
For your wife to prevail in this...
...we have to show your split
was connected to this course.
I'm a weak man, Ms. Porter.
I stopped loving Wanda a long time ago,
but I was afraid to leave her.
Mainly because I was afraid of her
a little.
I stayed with her for six years...
...because I didn't have the guts
to confront her.
When she became, I don't know,
weak herself...
...on the advice of the doctor...
...I got the nerve
to tell her what I thought.
I didn't want to live with her.
You stayed with this woman six years
after you stopped loving her...
...because you didn't want
unpleasantness?
Well, I don't think I truly knew
I was doing that.
But...
...yes.
- Okay.
You can go.
I didn't tell her I never loved her.
I'd appreciate you not telling her.
Well, I guess there was
cause and effect.
Had she not taken the advice,
they might still be together.
We'll just stand in
front of a jury and say:
"He never loved her.
Blame the doctor."
Well? What'd he say?
Wanda, you might have a case...
...but it's just too tough to make.
You should drop it.
After what she did to me? How can I?
Well, you see, the thing is...
...it really encroaches
into divorce law.
And this is a no-fault state.
Our legal recommendation is for you
to just walk away from this.
If we go to court,
you'll just get more hurt.
Just let it go, Wanda.
Sorry I ran off.
I always do that when a girl
seems too happy to see me.
Ha-ha.
Look, I am sorry.
I could have handled it better.
Your reaction was normal. Trust me.
If you're here to apologize,
apology accepted.
I came here for that, but...
Do you have plans tonight?
What are you saying?
What I'm saying is...
I've been thinking about this all day.
And as hard as I try...
...I can't see you...
...as anything other than a woman.
A woman I want to continue to see.
I don't know why I feel like crying
right now, but I do.
We've been encouraging Daddy to date.
I'm so glad he met somebody.
ALLY: My God.
His daughter is older than me.
Well, I'm glad to have met him.
If this works, I could call you "Mom."
Only once. Because I'd k*ll you.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves, Andrea.
If you're introducing her to us,
that means it could be serious.
Ah!
Here's your brother.
Ally, my son, Jonathan.
Hi.
ALLY:
I never got his last name.
Hi.
I think we've met.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think we have.
[NOSE WHISTLES]
04x03 - Two's a Crowd
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Ally is a young attorney who joins a prestigious law firm with a highly sexual environment and whose staff includes Ally's ex.
Ally is a young attorney who joins a prestigious law firm with a highly sexual environment and whose staff includes Ally's ex.