04x12 - Hats Off to Larry

[bunniefuu]

That's really...
That's really nice, Larry.

Really nice. Really nice, you pig!

- What?
- No, you just never mind what.

You left me with a note.

You couldn't even be a man about it,
could you? Pig, pig, pig!

- What...
- No, no. You shush.

I had a dream that you left me
and I didn't like the way you did it.

- It was a dream.
- I don't care, because it felt real.

- So...
- So shush! Don't you talk to me.

I'll go back to sleep, find you in my
dream and deal with you there.

Give me the g*dd*mn...

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

Hats off to Larry

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Yeah, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

Okay. First up,
Sam Adams, intellectual...

- We don't do intellectual work here.
- Intellectual property law.

Our client had some dance moves
appropriated by a former partner.

There's an upcoming competition. He
wants to enjoin her from using them.

Can you do that?
Claim ownership on a dance move?

Marcel Marceau copyrighted his mime.

No big leap to say that protection
should be extended to dance.

You and Sam Adams are still in touch?

I'm just on this case. Doing him.

Doing his case.

Doing his glutes.
That's what she's probably doing.

I apologize.
I didn't realize I was audible.

Melanie's out of town. He's horny.

I said, ornery.
Let's move along, Richard.

Richard? Cindy McCullough
is here to see you.

Why? What did I do now?

You've done nothing.
I want to do something.

- What? What?
- I want to get married.

Oh.

Oh! Well, that's great.

You found somebody to love you?
All of you?

Yes.

And he's a wonderful man.

The Commonwealth considers me
a wonderful man as well.

We can't get a wedding license.

I want to go to court and challenge
it. I'd like you to represent us.

Me? Really? Why?

Because you're a lawyer.

I need someone with a firm grasp
of the bigotry we'll face...

...and you sprang to mind.
- Thank you.

Could I bring in a second chair?

I'm not always up to speed on the law.
It's so boring.

- Are you current on your h*m*?
- Hey. Scout's honor.

Ally. Hey.

Everything all right?

Fine.

Miss McBeal?

Sorry to bother you.
I need a lawyer.

How'd you get in here?

I kind of snuck by your secretary.
I am very sneaky.

Will you be my lawyer?

Well...

Well, first of all, who are you?

And second of all...

...why do you need a lawyer?

I want to sue my parents
for emotional distress.

Oh.

What did they do?

They split up.

Okay.

There's a new book about how kids
get emotionally damaged for life...

...when their parents break up.

- I see. Did you read this book?
- No, I heard about it.

I also know there's this legal thing
called a third party "benefishy."

Oh, um, right. Beneficiary.

I'm not sure what it means,
but the law's kind of like...

...if two people make an agreement
that helps a third person...

...that third person has rights.
I'm the third person.

Wow. It sounds like you
could be a lawyer yourself.

Well, my dad's one.

Really?

And what's your name?

Sam.

Sam Paul.

Sam Paul.

Sam Paul. Sam Paul?

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

All right! All right.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

[SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

You want to ride a little pony?

I apologize. It's the only Spanish
I know. I learned it from a nanny.

Ms. Cortez, do you really deny that
Mr. Adams taught you these moves?

Of course I deny it.

Please.

I don't have to listen to this.
You can't stop me. And you won't.

- I can do whatever moves I choose.
NELLE: I'm afraid that's not true.

A court might very well enjoin you
from doing these maneuvers.

Then I guess I'll see you in court,
Miss Porter.

And by the way, you're a fool.

We don't need to get personal here.

I think things have already
turned personal, haven't they?

Trust me.

You're a fool.

- How did you even get here?
- Airplane.

- Airplane? Airplane? Airplane!
- Big steel thing with wings. Flies.

Yeah. I'm familiar with the concept.
How did you get on one?

I bought a ticket on the computer.
You can do your own seat assignment.

I took a cab, got onboard
and took off.

Does your mother know you're here?

If Mom knew, don't you suppose
she'd call you?

I called her already.
I was afraid that she'd be panicked.

Sammy.

Why? I mean...

Why'd you come?

To sue you.

To sue me?

For emotional distress.

And he would also like trouble
damages and attorney fees.

Okay, Sammy, buddy...

It's okay.

It's not okay.

Mom says it is.

Every night she comes in and tucks
me in and says everything's okay.

How you and her are good friends.
How everything's better this way.

But it's not better.

She goes in her room and she cries.

I hear it.

I cry too, Dad.

I know I'm supposed to be a big boy
and I shouldn't cry.

I'm supposed to be strong.

But I can't help it.
It just hurts too much.

So...

You're suing me?

I think it's time for you to cry.

They're probably having a big fight.

- Why do you say that?
- He did call on his cell phone.

He could have done it right there.

They just don't want me to hear.

- Well...
- I expected you to be younger.

- Sorry?
- Than my mom.

They say fathers end up with women
younger than the mothers.

You seem way older than her.

What are you, 50?

- No. I'm not...
- Do you love my father?

Very much.

And he loves you?

- Well...
- Do you have kids?

No.

Is your biological clock
all ticked out?

Can a judge overrule
the legislature on same-sex unions?

They can if they think the law is,
you know, against the... What is it?

Constitution.

Yes, that. They can declare the
law null and Freud. Void.

This will be a long sh*t,
you do know that?

Vermont now recognizes same-sex
partnerships. Massachusetts...

- Well, that's very different.
- Why?

Even h*m* like me endorsed
same-sex unions in Vermont.

- Why?
- We want all the gays to move there.

- Really?
- Yes. If they're going to, uh...

Better in thick-wooded
areas where...

You know.

Did you think I was kidding?
It gets worse.

- Then why choose him?
- He won my last case.

- I figure if we can convert him...
- Exactly.

Convert me into what?

I discovered the move while
dancing with Annette.

But it was I who discovered them.

She says you were a team.

So were Simon and Garfunkel.
We know which one wrote the music.

But that's music. This is dance.

Like the expression goes,
"It takes two to tango."

Yes, and it takes two to make love.

That doesn't mean one can't be
teaching a little as he goes.

Yes. Why does it really matter
if she makes love...?

Dances the way
she once did with you?

Because it's a competition.
The national championship.

If she and her new partner
use my style, perform my moves...

...my dance becomes less original.

Even if I perform better,
I will still lose.

You're talking about the mamba.
The salsa. Standardized dances.

Songs use standardized notes. That
doesn't mean music can't be original.

The art of dance, just like the art
of song, the art of making love...

...it's about weaving together
new forms of expression...

...from your heart, your soul.

You keep likening it to making love.
You and Ms. Cortez...

...were more than just dance partners.
You were lovers.

- Correct?
- Correct.

Objection!

Withdrawn.

Ever come up with a new dance move
while making love?

There was one, yes.

You're trying to stop her employing
a move in her dance routine...

...that was discovered
in a lovemaking session?

Correct.

I guess when it comes to making love,
you weren't equal partners.

You were the teacher.

Very much. And she knows it.

Don't you think it'd help
to know she's an ex-lover?

- Why?
- Why? You slept with her.

- John, isn't that relevant?
- Terrible.

Are you upset as my lawyer
or as a woman who's slept with me?

I'm talking about the sex. The...

The case. John, would you excuse us?

With pleasure.

So when she...

...called me a fool,
it's because she...

Nelle...

It's difficult to enjoin her from
using a move you discovered in bed.

Why? Shouldn't the act
of making love...

...be as privileged
as lawyer/client communication?

That isn't the law.

Maybe you shouldn't be
the lawyer to do this.

No, I can do it.

I'll be fine.

LARRY: Excuse me. I'd like to sue
the people who made this bicycle.

They left out a wheel.

Ms. McBeal? We have another angry
unicyclist. Are you available?

Another angry what?

LARRY: Excuse me, madame. When they
said half-price, I should've known.

Now you guys be careful.

No, no. Larry?
Larry, I am telling you...

[THUDDING]

Oh.

- Did we get you?
- Yes. How'd you learn to do that?

My dad's a circus act.
Didn't you know that?

Oh. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, actually I do know that.

Sam...

...is gonna stay with me for a day
or two. He came to see my life.

That's great.

No, it's terrific.

- Do you mind?
- Of course I don't mind.

- It's, it's...
- Terrific.

Yes.

Great. Okay, we're off to court.
You can help me juggle my caseload.

Ah, Larry.

- When will I see you again?
- We're sleeping at your place.

- You are?
- Yeah.

I mean, you know.

He came to see my life.

LARRY:
Buddy?

Mark. Hello.

Hi.

- Getting married, huh?
- I'm trying to.

Soon as I shake off the stigma
that goes with having a penis.

That was a joke.

Oh. Ha-ha.

Tell me about the lucky guy.

Well...

He has a lot to offer. And he
loves everything I have to offer.

Great. You two should be
very happy then.

Who are you kidding?

Coming to this law firm? Richard Fish
is the best attorney you know?

Richard Fish won my last case.
He did quite well.

You think I'm here because of you?

If you're marrying a man to make
another one jealous...

I'm marrying because I love him.
The other man's a bigot.

Why? Because he can't get past
your being a guy?

Do you love him?

Yes, I do.

I find the odds of that
to be astronomical.

That you could find a man
who could love you...

...is a needle in the most
enormous of haystacks.

That it would turn out
that you'd also love him...

Maybe his willingness to love me is
reason enough for me to love him.

Things can work out that way.

I don't know.

You certainly don't.

[SALSA MUSIC PLAYS]

[SINGS IN SPANISH]

Do you think she's falling for him?
He is a salsa dancer.

- She fell for a m*rder*r.
- At least he was a doctor.

When I do my Tom Jones thing,
I kind of look like that, don't I?

You know what, Richard?

Exactly.

He is pretty hot.

Hmm. Hm. Ha. Mm!

Do you know this one?
Let's see...

Puff, the magic dragon...

Don't sing that one.

- Why?
- It's sad.

"Puff the Magic Dragon" is sad?

One gray night it happened

Jackie Paper came no more

And Puff, that mighty dragon

He ceased his fearless roar

- Do you miss him?
- Puff?

Your dad.

Yeah. Do you think
he'll ever come back?

Well, Sam...

He just went out to
get some ice cream.

I mean home.

ALLY: I think that you'll probably
have to talk to him about that.

SAM:
He doesn't talk about that.

ALLY: Why not?
SAM: I don't know.

SAM: He just can't.
ALLY: Well...

Do you talk to him
about your feelings?

He doesn't do stuff like that.
He pretends nothing's ever wrong.

ALLY:
Oh, I don't know.

- Remember when I told him how I cry?
- Yeah.

He's already found a way to forget
that. That's what he does.

We'd dance in the studio.
We'd get...

I guess a little worked up.
The moves would evolve.

ATTORNEY: It's his contention
they evolved from him.

That's his male chauvinist arrogance.

I'm as entitled to claim
ownership as he is.

Why did you stop being
Mr. Adams' partner?

I stopped because
it was too destructive.

ATTORNEY: Can you explain that?
CORTEZ: Sam Adams...

...uses his personal relationships
to generate creative spark.

When our relationship normalized to an
even keel, he felt creatively blocked.

He'd break up to generate one. That's
where his inspiration comes from.

Objection.

Overruled.

He likes it if there's something
forbidden about his partner.

Places he shouldn't run his hands
or slide his legs.

This is so far off the point,
Your Honor.

The issue is, did she
steal his dance moves?

I still have no idea what moves we're
talking about. Do they have names?

- No. Because we invented them.
- I invented them. You stole them.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Ms. Cortez! Mr. Adams! I'll hold you
both in contempt unless you're quiet!

[SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

Mr. Cage, my Spanish is limited, but
I believe you just asked for a cookie.

I apologize.

I want to see this dancing...

...so I understand what
you're talking about.

Could you just give me a demonstration
without biting each other's heads off?

[KNOCKING]

Hello.

Hey.

Where's Sam?

Oh, he's back in my...
Elaine's got him. They're doing...

Wait, wait, he's back at your what?

I was going to make a joke.
I guess I... I couldn't.

That doesn't happen to me often.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

I talked to his teacher. He's been
getting into a lot of fights.

He's struggling a little, I guess.

Gee, I wonder what it could be.

He's an incredible kid.

Isn't he? I told you,
he's the most...

He's incredible.

With an amazing father.

I, um...

I don't know what to do, Ally.

I mean, obviously,
he's hurting at school...

And that's not all of it.

Larry, you need to go to Detroit.

Be it a month, be it a year.

You can't take him from his mother
and he needs his father.

Now, I may be saying something
that's not occurring to you...

...but I'm not telling you
anything you don't know.

You gotta go to Detroit.

I read that Constitution.

I read the preamble, the post-amble,
the amendments. I read it all.

And nothing in it says marriage
has to be between a man and a woman.

ATTORNEY: Congress passed
the Defense of Marriage Act.

Maybe Mr. Fish missed that while
immersed in the Constitution.

Oh, yes, Congress. I don't think
the court should question Congress.

I didn't know Congress was against it.

Congress once said blacks couldn't
marry whites. Love that Congress.

- Can I finish?
- Sex offenders can marry. Murderers...

...cannibals marry.

But whoa! Two gay people?
There goes the sanctity.

I read The Book of Virtues.

I'll defend every person's
right to be a bigot. I'm one.

But let's be honest.
This is bigotry. Blatant.

It's a government trying to impose
its own sense of morality.

It's what happens when
you have politicians...

...conforming their views
to what the people think.

As for the people in this country,
too many redneck, inbred idiots.

Where else do people take r*fles...

...blow the head off a deer
and go "Sport!"

- Mr. Fish.
- He'll keep talking...

...until you say he's won.

- Move for cause.
- All right, I've heard enough.

Actually, Your Honor,
could I have a second?

And who the hell are you?

I'm Mark Albert.
I'm with Mr. Fish's firm.

Whether you support same-sex marriages
or not, the point is being missed.

Which is?

Sitting there is a woman. I don't
care what her birth certificate reads.

If she wanted to enter
the Olympics as a woman...

She's not looking to throw a javelin.
She just wants to get married.

Your Honor...

...I've dated...

...Cindy McCullough.

She's one of the finest women I've
ever had the pleasure of knowing.

It's the 21 st century. We should
be beyond judging people...

...by their skin color or X or Y
chromosomes or their anatomical...

Why can't we look at the person?
Simply judge the person.

Cindy McCullough is a beautiful woman
who wants to get married.

The only appropriate thing for any
court to do is congratulate the groom.

It's not like I don't
agree, in theory...

But how? My life is here. My work.
I'm not sure I can uproot everything.

We can keep talking about it.
But that presumes you have choices.

And you don't.

Your son is in Detroit
and he needs you.

Now, you...

...once said to me that...

...until you have a child...

...you have no idea the capacity
you have to love somebody.

You're a lot of things.

You're more...

...than anybody I've ever met.
You're more...

But what you are the most is a dad.

Would you come with me?

In a second.

But I think you have to do this
alone, at least initially.

Now, it's not about him assimilating
into your new life.

This is just about him
needing you in his.

I will come back.

I know you will, baby.

- Or you'll come to Detroit?
- Or I'll come to Detroit.

This isn't how you go about
dumping guys, is it?

Get their needy kids to visit,
then pack them both on a plane?

- That's not happening here, is it?
- Hey.

Mr. Larry?

I love you.

[KNOCKING]

What did you do that for?

Because I'm an officer of the court.

And you are
an extraordinary woman, Cindy.

And you want me to win?

Only if you truly want to marry him.

I do love him, Mark.

- Well, that's all that matters then.
- Yeah.

No court could take that away.

Well...

Thank you, Mark.

Sure.

It is a very sad day
in my life, in this court...

...when I find myself agreeing
with Mr. Fish.

But today I do.

The law against same-sex marriages?
Well...

It may not be as stupid as blowing the
head off a deer and calling it sport.

But it comes damn close.

However, just because
I don't like a law...

...it's not up to me to substitute my
judgment for legislative intent.

Petitioner's motion is denied.

Adjourned.

- We're sorry.
- That's okay. Thank you for trying.

My winning streak stopped at one.
Bugger.

Thank you.

Cindy.

I think of myself as the captain
of my own ship.

I feel something really
h*m* coming.

No, no. My firm is sort of my ship.

Though it's not technically legal,
why don't you let me marry you two?

What are you saying?

Maybe the court has spoken.
Why give it the last word?

Wow.

Hey. You're taking everything.

Oh, yeah. Storage. You know,
it's silly to pay rent.

Oh, I saved...

...this.

Oh, that's blue.

Tell me about it.

So where is the...

...little home wrecker?

He's back with Renee, packing stuff.
Our flight is at 9.

So does that mean we can
have an early dinner?

Well...

I have a problem with goodbyes.
It's better if I just skip ahead...

Okay.

That dream you had where I left with
a note? That's exactly what I'd do.

So when I drop you off
at the airport...

...I just won't watch you
get out of the car.

I got us a Town Car
to go to the airport.

- Larry...
- I can't handle goodbyes, okay?

If you can bear with me on this,
just know that...

...I love you, and I'll be back.

Okay.

I'll swing by on the way
real quick, and then I'll...

I won't say goodbye, but I'll...

Leave a note.

If I so much as look at you...

...I'll never get on the plane.

So... Hey!

Help me pack, will you?

Sure. Sure.

You're partners again?

It makes the most sense. It's our
best chance to win the competition.

Otherwise, we just
cancel each other out.

- What if we win the injunction?
- Well...

She's the best partner. I realized it
dancing with her in court.

- What else did you realize?
- We were just dancing.

We maximize our chances this way.

Yeah.

No, you're right. Yeah.

It...

It makes sense.

How about...

...we meet after for a little...

...celebration dinner?

I don't think it's great for us to
see each other personally, either.

- Why?
- Well...

Without hurting your feelings,
you're a great guy...

...and a fabulous...

...dancer.

Look, I know you and I aren't
meant to be long-term.

But, short-term?

There's so much wonderful sex
to be had.

I'll notify the court
we're gonna dismiss the lawsuit.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Goodbye.

Yeah.

Do you, Cindy, take Rick
to be your husband?

To love, honor and cherish him,
forevermore?

I do.

By the powers of me, Richard Fish,
rich attorney with his own firm...

...in the presence of God, our
friends and everybody who counts...

...I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

Thank you, Richard.

Do I get to kiss the bride?

- Would you like to?
- I would.

- Okay.
- Now, no tongue.

No chance.

I'm still waiting for my "hello" kiss.

- Now?
- Well, maybe a little one.

- Is she a bigger slut than me?
- No.

RICHARD: The wedding's over!
Let's have a reception!

I know something about love

You've gotta want it bad

So he can't say goodbye?
What's up with that?

He writes notes.

He's a dream come true,
right till the bitter end.

He'll be back, you know he will.

Wait, this is my theme song.
Do you think she's singing it to me?

Well, it's not to me.

Or me.

Maybe Larry requested it.
Maybe this is his note?

Make him see the moon up above

I hope.

He's outside in the car with Sam.
They're on the way to the airport.

Great. He's leaving his skidmarks.
There's a note for you.

Tell him that you're
Never gonna leave him

Tell him that you're
Always gonna love him

I thought you were afraid
to make eye contact.

Sam, evidently, is good at goodbyes.

Oh.

Bye, Ally. I had a wonderful time.

So did I. And you have to
come visit me, okay?

I will.

I'll put up my window so
you and Dad can smooch.

- What?
- Bye, buddy.

You still hear music in your head,
right?

Okay. Just...

Just keep hearing that song
I wrote you. Okay?

Don't forget.

Okay.

And don't you forget.