02x12 - Fairy Tale

[bunniefuu]

I'd like to talk with you about
that letter of recommendation

to my alma mater,
Clementine College.

Are you gonna write me that letter?

A good recommendation from
you will guarantee me a spot

in that corral.

Look, Justin, I know the
teenage years are about

your search for an identity.

But the western thing, that's mine.

Sorry, Mr. Litate.

Now, we need a director for the
school's production of Peter Pan.

And I think that
director should be you.

Pull it off,
and I'll write that letter.

Uh, no offense, but isn't
that kind of blackmail?

Blackmail is just the
sort of thing they teach

at good old Clementine College.

Except they call it "ethics."

Good luck, Mr. Director.

People are already talking about
you direing the school play.

That's perfect. I got the
role of Peter Pan in the can!

Uh, not so fast, Zeke.

I need to find the best
actor by holding auditions.

Uh, well that's perfect.
I have just the audition piece.

I took my report on
Mexico's economy,

set the whole thing to music.
Check it out.

* Mexico, Mexico *

* Is a unique and
emerging marketplace *

* Ohhh Mexico! *

* Ohhh Mexico! *

- I gotcha.
- * Mexico... *

I got it. Yeah.

Auditions will be tomorrow.

Please bring something else.

Tribeca Prep,

autions for a Justin Russo
production of Peter Pan

will be held tomorw.

And since I have your attention,

I'm closing in on who put my gym
clothes on the roof. Eric Winer.

Yeah!

Miss Russo. I was filing
your delinquent slip

when I noticed you hadn't fulfilled

your extracurricular requirement.

So I signed you up for
Locker Refurbish Club.

No, thanks.

Perhaps you'd like me to define
the word "requirement" for you.

- No, thanks.
- You have to!

You can't be too busy
being cute or charming,

and being you is not
a full-time job.

Well, the thing is...

Um...

I'm gonna be in my brother's play.

And you know how I'm
always telling you things

and then later on,
you find out they aren't true?

That's 'cause I'm a good actor.

So you're too busy
in the school play

to be in Locker Refurbish Club?

Well, I was ready to take on both,

but you make an excellent point.

Glad we had this talk.

* Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze *

* That the end will no
doubt justify the means *

* You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease *

* Yes please *

* But you might find out
it'll go to your head *

* When you write a report
on a book you never read *

* With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed *

* That's what I said *

* Everything is not what it seems *

* You can get all you wanted
in your wildest dreams *

* You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes *

* Because everything
is not what it seems *

* Everything is not what it seems *

* When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means *

* Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things *

* Because everything is not *

* What it seems *

Hey, what are you up to, Max?

Well, I'm the new reviewer
for the school newspaper.

I've always known you
had promise, honey.

Now I know what it was for.

But if only I could think
of something to review...

Hmm. - Like a movie called
Elasto-Man Snaps Back,

playing at : or : .

You know, you're right.

A writer needs inspiration.
I'll take you.

Let me finish this order, OK?

And that is how you get your mom

to take you to the
movies before homework.

Mom, did you hear that?
He's using his school activities

to get you to take
him to the movies.

No, honey. I'm using
his school activities

to cut my shift in half.

Harper, you know how you
said you loved the theater?

I never said I loved the theater.

Oh, I just assumed, the way you
dress in all those costumes.

Costumes?

OK, let's start over.

I'm gonna be an understudy
in Justin's play.

It should be easy because I
understudy for most things.

But understudies only get on stage

if the other actor
gets sick or injured.

Exactly. And you have perfect school
attendance because you never get sick.

That's why you're gonna be Tinker
Bell and I'm gonna be your understudy.

Alex, you and I being involved in the
same activity is not a good idea.

You know how competitive I am.

I'll crush you like a bug,
just like I did in Skee-Ball.

OK, let's try this again.

You play Tinker Bell. I'm your
understudy. You'll never miss.

I'll never go on. Everyone's happy.

OK, I guess we're not competing.
'Cause I will crush you.

Why don't you go upstairs
and start my homework.

I'll make us some sandwiches.

Oh, thanks, Alex.
That's so generous of you.

One Italian sub and a
tuna salad on wheat.

Got it!

- Hey, Justin.
- Hey, what's up?

Oh, just makin' some sandwiches.

That's a nice dollhouse.

It's a diorama for the school play.

Ah, that's right.
I heard you were directing that.

So, uh, who were you thinking
for Tinker Bell's understudy?

Oh... Tinker Bell's understudy.

You want to be Tinker Bell's
understudy. Well, um...

You're gonna have to
audition like everyone else.

Why? You know I'm a good actor.

I've been acting like
I like you for years.

No one thinks you like me.

But I really do and
I act like I don't.

Pshh! That's acting.

Alex, your order's up. Which table?

Oh, I'll take those.

Aw, that's my girl, always helping.

Mom's helping Max.
Alex is serving sandwiches.

Where would we be
without our ladies?

Um... So, what do we
got going on here?

I'm directing the school play.

Ah, my son's a director.
That's fantastic!

I don't know if you
know this about me,

but I've dabbled in
the theatre arts.

- You, Dad?
- Oh, yeah.

I directed a lot of high school
plays when I was your age.

And as a fellow director,
I'm gonna make sure that you succeed.

Any questions,
you come to your old man.

I have one. Should I let Alex
be Tinker Bell's understudy?

Which one of these
is the understudy?

Uh...

- This one?
- Yeah.

- Got it?
- Oh, yeah.

I just always wanna be a
little boy and to have fun.

This world moves pretty fast,
you know.

It's not long before
you're carrying a briefcase

and heading to work,
day in and day out. For what?

These are the best
days of our lives.

Have a great summer.
I'll see you guys next year!

Was that your eighth
grade graduation speech?

I was told it was inspiring.

And it was!

The role of Peter Pan
goes to Zeke Beakerman.

Whoo! Yes!

Next up, reading for the
role of Tinker Bell is...

Harper Finkle.

No, it is poison!

"Oh, Tink. Did you drink
the medicine to save me?"

Yes!

"But, why, Tink? Now,
you don't look so good."

I think I might get well again,

if the boys and girls
believed in fairies.

- What was that?
- Fairy dust.

Cheese puff powder.

Look. Great.

She was pretty good.

The role of Tinker Bell
goes to Harper Finkle.

Now, the only thing left

is auditions for Tinker
Bell's understudy.

Look, Alex, um...

I spoke to some people in
the directing community.

People who are very close to me,
and they advised me

letting you anywhere near this
production would be sure disaster.

People close to you?
So that means Zeke or Dad.

Oh, it wasn't me, Alex. I swear.

Oh, so then,
Dad's directing this play.

No, I am. I make my own decisions.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

- Prove it.
- Fine. Watch.

Alex Russo's the understudy.
There. I showed you.

- Well, I don't want to do it.
- You have to. I'm the director.

- OK, then fine. I'll do it.
- Good.

Ha.

Listen up, cast.

I need everyone to stay
healthy for the show.

Yes. That's right. Because I
don't want to have to step in.

I have very little interest in this, and
I've never even been to this part of the
school.

OK, here are the ground rules.

Save your voice,
don't do anything dangerous,

and that includes tap-dancing.

- Aww.
- Hmm.

You got it, chief.

I'm gonna start being
careful right now.

- Whoa.
- Whoa!

Oh. That was close.

I almost slipped on my
cheddar cheese fairy dust.

Ooof!

- Harper, are you OK?
- I don't know.

Is my foot supposed
to bend this way?

Whoa. Looks like a rider
got thrown off her horse.

Sit tight, little filly.
The nurse is on her way.

She was Tinker Bell. Now, I'm gonna
have to hold auditions all over again.

Don't you have an understudy?

I'd rather not say.

Alex is my understudy.

Alex, congratulations.
You get to saddle up for the rodeo.

Out of my way. I gotta
throw myself off the stage.

Make some room!

You're in the show, Alex.

Working on your review, Max?

I'm so glad you finally found
something you're half-good at.

Right, here it is...

"I saw Elasto-Man Snaps
Back with my mom last night,

which was a big mistake, because she
didn't put enough butter on the popcorn.

And that's the Max View."

Dad, I gotta talk to you about the play.
I got a big problem.

As long as it doesn't involve Alex,

there's nothing we can't solve.
Lay it on me.

- Never mind.
- Oh, it's Alex?

What did I say to you?

You made her the understudy,
didn't you?

It's not as bad as it seems.
I still got my main man, Zeke,

dialed in on the role of Peter Pan.

He'll just have to
carry the entire show.

Hey, Justin.

Uh, there's something
I gotta tell ya.

What did I say? No tap-dancing!

I wasn't. I went to
tap-dancing class

to tell them I couldn't make it.

But then clog-dancing
class started.

And I was like, "Oh,
man! Clogging?"

And I fell off my shoes.

All right, all right. Nobody panic.

I said I was gonna help you,
and I am gonna help you.

- I'm gonna play Peter Pan.
- Dad...

If I shave twice in the morning,

throw on my letterman jacket,
I can pass as a high school senior.

We'll just say I'm your cousin
visiting from the country.

A country of what, old dudes?

- I can still do it.
- Thank you.

I'll catch you at rehearsal.

This will never work.
I won't get Laritate's recommendation,

I'm not gonna get into
Clementine College,

and I can kiss robotic
engineering goodbye.

Justin, are you talking
about kissing robots again?

You're gonna get
electrocuted eventually.

Alex, you need to
take this seriously.

Your brother needs you to be the
best Tinker Bell you can be.

His college career
is depending on you.

You're right, Daddy.

Justin's depending on me,
and you're depending on me.

I gotta do whatever I need to
do to not let you guys down.

Hiring a real fairy to play your part is
less work than playing the part yourself?

Harper, there's not enough room

to write lines of
dialogue on my hand.

Welcome to Fairy World.
May all your dreams come true.

Hi. - Look, Sparkles won't
work under these conditions!

Her wings need to be
massaged and steamed.

Those things are her
money-makers. Come on!

Last time I send a dwarf to do
an elf's job. How can I help?

I need to hire a fairy actress.

Well, you have come
to the right place.

Of all the fairy talent agencies,

FTA has, by far,
the fanciest offices.

I should sit down.

And some advice:
don't tile your cast.

It's like lugging
around a bathroom wall.

Don't sit there!

It's just for looks.

It's made entirely of
gum drops and licorice.

Who'd mix candy with furniture?

Oh, wait. I would.

Here are some pictures of fairies.

- OK.
- Do you see one you like?

Anyone really standing out?

Anyone popping for you?

These are pictures
of the same fairy.

You have a good eye.

If it's Flutter you want,
then Flutter you've got.

OK. How soon can she start?

You're girls.

I'm Flutter.

Well, this is working out.

Let's all get to know each other.

No, Harper!

You're clumsy.

See, Harper?
She looks just like me.

OK, you're gonna play me,
playing Tinker Bell in the play.

All right. Let's try a
scene from the play.

I'm tired of playing fairies.

I want to play a cop.
Hands up where I can see 'em, pal!

Oh, she's a good actress.

- I can't see 'em.
- Oh!

Flutter, you are a fairy.
Fairies play fairies.

I don't know, Alex.

This fairy wants to play a cop,
and she's packing heat.

I say we let her.

Who's this?

That's Harper.

No. Who's the one with the wings?

Oh, that's Flutter.

You're a man, and you're a lady.

What is a fairy doing here?

She is leaving. Come on, Flutter.

A second ago,

you wanted me to play
the role of Tinker Bell.

You smuggled a fairy
across Never Land lines

to impersonate you in
your brother's play?

I'm no wizard,
but that sounds like a crime.

It's not a crime.

And I suppose you spent all
this time working on this scheme

instead of learning your lines?

I don't think I should answer that

until I'm assigned a
Never Land attorney.

Alex, we're not in a
crime drama right now.

Oh! But if we are,
can I play the cop?

Check this out.
Hands up pal, freeze!

Up against the wall.

Spread 'em, punk.

She's good.

Tink, no! What are you doing?

Peter Pan,

do not take your medicine.
It has been poisoned.

No! I promised Wendy I'd take it.

Ew, is this diet?

Ugh. Ew.

Oh, would you die already?

Fine.

I'm dead.

Oh, Tink. Did you drink
the medicine to save me?

- Uh, yeah.
- With feeling!

Oh.

With feeling.

Dad, you're gonna have to go shave,
get on your letterman jacket.

Don't worry. Directors
always have a back-up plan.

And I'd like you to meet ours.

You're a boy.

But why, Tink? Why?

Now, you don't look so good.

I think I might get well again,
if the boys...

If the boys and girls
believed in fairies.

Do you believe?
Say quick that you believe!

Owww!

Clap your hands. Don't let
Tinker Bell's light go out.

This is the part where you clap for me,
and I come back to life.

Mom?

Sorry, sweetie.

OK. It's go time.

Come on, one clap? Anybody?

Anything?

How 'bout them Mets?

Works for me. Come on,
let's go save Wendy.

Freeze, Tinker Bell.

You're going downtown
for bad acting, punk.

- Flutter?
- Sergeant Flutter.

You're coming with me,
straight to the slammer.

Flutter, you have
to get out of here

before people start to
think you're a real fairy.

They're definitely gonna
think you're a real fairy.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

See that? That's how
you play a fairy.

Well, this is how you
get rid of a fairy.

I'm thinking maybe we should
leave before this is over.

- Split a cab downtown?
- Oh, yeah. Let's go.

Jerry!

All right, Sergeant Flutter.

You have the right to remain silent.
In this drawer.

Ow.

Boo!

That's good, Max.

Here he comes.

I'm sure there are plenty of
colleges that'll take you.

I can get you into my alma mater.

Mom, you went to an
all-girls college.

Wait. That could work.

Yeah, I'll come visit.

Um... I'm just trying
to help out my son.

Look, Justin. We wrote a letter
of recommendation for you.

"Dear Clementine College,

here is a review of Justin
Russo's directing debut.

In this ambitious production,
Tinker Bell swats down her own inner-demon