02x15 - Art Teacher

[bunniefuu]

Since mom is out of town,
wizard class is cancelled.

Yes!

What does Mom being away have to
do with class being cancelled?

I said Mom's away.
We can have some fun.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

Hey, what's really fun is
when you give me my allowance.

First we're gonna play something
I like to call Spell Roulette.

Here's the book of spells.

Each of you randomly points to one,

recites it and then
we see what happens.

- I'll go first.
- OK.

Defleppard, Animalus.

Now, this is Undo Dust.

It undoes a spell when a wizard
forgets how to reverse it.

What kind of wizard, Alex,
would be so ill-prepared, Alex,

where they would forget
a reverse spell, Alex?

What kind of jerk, Justin...
I'm good with just saying that.

All right.

OK, Alex, you're up.

There you go.

No, you can't just change it.

- Yeah, no, it's not...
- She doesn't do the rules.

Ooh! I like this one.
Rain on, chain on.

Nice. And with that,
I'll be out spending my allowance.

Sorry, Alex. I don't
have any cash on me.

Guess you should've thought
your little plan through

a little more carefully.

Oh, I did.

What? I'm part of your plan?
No! That's...

Um, Dad, you owe Justin $ .

Huh? Wait. Alex,
come back here! Come on!

♪ Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no
doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ You can get all you wanted
in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Wow. Alex, I really like
what you've done here.

It's a very dramatic blend
of color and circles.

Really? 'Cause I was
just painting this.

Nice. Hey, everybody,
take a look at Alex's piece.

Some of us are over-thinking
our projects a little too much

and we could all follow Alex's
lead and be more spontaneous.

I'll show you spontaneous.

Let's skip this class and do
something more interesting,

like watching the football
team learn how to read.

OK, good work, everybody.

And, T.J., how about for
your next assignment

you draw yourself a detention
slip and I'll sign it?

And that is why you are
my favorite teacher.

And do you know why you're
my favorite student?

Because you'll hang back
after class and clean up.

Oh, I see what you did there.

I don't like it, but I respect it.

Clean it up. Wash it,
scrub it down, oh, no.

What did you just do?

that was fast.
That was almost instantaneous.

That's because I clean
things competitively?

And I am a champion
competitive cleaner.

It was a really good class today.
You were great. OK, bye!

Justin, I need you to
sign something for me.

"Dear Coach Gunderson.
Please excuse Max from P.E."

"He has mono-orangosis."

I've never even heard
of mono-orangosis.

Yeah, well, that's because it's
a very rare color blindness.

- Oh, really?
- I can't see anything orange.

I can't taste orange.
I can't even hear orange.

In fact, I didn't hear
half of what I just said.

Sure you don't wanna go with
something more realistic,

like I'm-a-dumbadosis?

- Oh.
- Yeah.

That's a really nice way to
talk to somebody with a disease!

You have a disease?

Why, yes, I do.

- It's mono-orangosis.
- Oh, you poor baby.

- You know, I've heard of that.
- You have?

Well, that is kind of
impossible, but great.

You're not gonna believe what
I set up for the sleep-over.

We're gonna make our own purses!

We can sew on the buttons,
appliqués, ribbons.

Oh, Harper, this is
gonna be so much fun.

Oh, I just love our
slumber parties.

Oh, me, too.

Wouldn't that be awesome if that
was the pizza we forgot to order?

You're a wizard.

I've been thinking about how you
cleaned up in class so fast,

and there's only one explanation.

You are a wizard.

No, I'm not. Harper, am I a wizard?

Alex? A wizard?

Please. It's not like she's
got a magic flying carpet

or can duplicate herself
or knows a spell to make

a klutzy person not klutzy when
they work at their sandwich shop.

If she was a wizard,
she could do those things,

but she doesn't, so she isn't.

Alex, please. I know that T.J.
from class is a wizard, too.

- T.J.'s a wizard?
- Yes, T.J.'s a wizard.

What other secrets
haven't you told me?

Um, I'm not gonna make a purse.

Alex, I need your help.

OK, I'm not saying I'm a wizard,

but what kind of help
are we talking about?

T.J. and I dated over the summer.

Ewww!

It didn't end well

and he turned me
into the worst thing

that he could think of.

A -year-old woman.

No!

I was a -year-old girl.

Prove it.

I can text words a
minute without looking.

I eat strawberry lip
gloss like it's candy.

If I could dress like I was
going to the beach all the time,

I would.

Sounds more like a -year-old girl,
if you ask me.

Alex, if you could
turn me back to ,

I would be your best friend.

Uh-huh! Sorry, woman.
That position is filled.

- I'm just saying.
- OK. Shh.

Um, OK.

There's only one way to find out
if you were a -year-old girl.

I'm not saying I'm a wizard,
but I'll go get the Undo Dust,

which undoes spells,
if there were such thing as spells.

- And he's out of the chute.
- Oh, oh. Ah-ha-ha!

What'd I tell you? Looks like
we got another Cat Man Don't!

Ride him! You gotta
just get in there.

Hold onto him. Wow!

Ya-hoo! Come on.

All right, Miss Majorhealey.

When we sprinkle the dust,
we'll find out if you really are .

Dang! She's cute.

Check me out!

I'm back! I'm back!

Whoo-hoo!

Do you have any "shut
your piehole" dust?

Well, she's happy.

Hey, you have to promise not to
tell anybody I'm a wizard, OK?

Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever.
'Cause you did it!

Look at me! I'm back!

I think I know why T.
J. broke up with her.

So, T.J., heard a rumor about
you and Miss Majorhealey.

Well, I'm not a fan,
but it's no rumor.

I know you turned her
into a -year-old woman,

so I turned her back.

You what?! That is so not cool, Alex.
Not cool at all.

And what happened between me and
Jenny is none of your business.

Besides, have you heard her squeak?

OK, she's a bit of a squeaker,

but what you did to
her is still wrong.

It's wizards like you who are
almost gonna get us exposed.

Alex, you've got a mouth on you.

I was wondering if you
would help spread word

that art class is cancelled.

What? Why?

Miss Majorhealey texted
in her resignation.

Which is strange, 'cause I
didn't know my phone got texts.

That's it? You're just
gonna cancel art class

because you don't have
a teacher to teach it?

That's kind of how schools work.

But I love art.

Maybe it's time to start
loving some other classes,

like math or English or science.

Nobody likes a one-trick pony.

Hey, Alex! Hey, Harper!

Miss Major... Miss Majorhealey!
Where have you been?

Did you know that they
cancelled art class?

I know. I quit so I could
make up for the time I lost

when I wasn't and part of .

Ooh! And call me Jenny.

No, I don't wanna call you Jenny.

I wanna call you Miss Majorhealey

and I want you to
be my art teacher,

so I can keep the one class I
love and stay off the streets.

If there's one thing I
learned from being ,

it's that you don't need
a class to be artistic.

And you need to stretch more.

What about T.J.? Don't you wanna
rub it in his face you're back?

Nothing ever feels finished to me

unless I rub it in someone's face.

And the other thing I
learned from when I was

is that rubbing it in someone's
face doesn't get you anywhere.

Really? Then I definitely
don't wanna get older. Uh-uh.

Oh, that reminds me.

I have to go sell a car.

Because I am no longer
a licensed driver.

Hello. Thank you for coming
to Waverly Sub Station.

My name is Justin.
Can I interest you

in a half-sandwich
pickle spear combo?

You're Misty May-Treanor.

Oh, my gosh! Oh,
my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

Holy moly!

Uh...

Hey. What's up, Misty?

Hi, trying-to-be-cool-guy.

I'm looking for Max Russo.

I'm sorry if he took your gold
medal but he likes shiny things.

My niece, Chelsa,
says he's fighting mono-orangosis.

I think I saw it on a telethon,
so I stopped by to cheer him up.

Max. There's someone here you
need to explain something to.

Hi, Max. I'm Misty May-Treanor.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

How many fingers am I holding up?

- Uh, two.
- Oh, my gosh.

You are Misty May-Treanor!

- Whoa!
- I heard about your disease.

I thought you would wanna take
your mind off it and hang out.

OK. Come on.

Oh, Justin, you can cover
my shift for me, right?

No.

Oh, I think you can.

You got it, Misty.

Mr. Laritate. Mr. Laritate,
you can't cancel art class.

Life isn't just about facts and figures,
it's about expression.

If kids don't express themselves
in a controlled environment,

they'll just end up on the streets.

Russo, I'm impressed.

Your passion for something

besides getting out of schoolwork

warms this old cowboy's heart.

- It does?
- Like a campfire.

I should be able to
pull a few strings

and get things up and running
again at the old art corral.

Thank you, Mr. Laritate.
It really means a lot to me.

Ain't no thing but a chicken wing.

Could you give this basket
to your ailing brother, Max?

It has some of hisavorite
knick-knacks and do-dads.

Yes, sir, Mr. Laritate.
I'll give Max the basket.

He only said the basket.

Excuse me. Do you know where
I could find Max Russo?

Look, whatever he broke,

you should have gotten
the extended warranty.

No, no, no.

- I'm Dwayne Johnson.
- Oh, you're Dwayne Johnson.

Well, the water
founin's over there,

but I don't think
you should fix it.

It's funny when people
get squirted in the eye.

No, I'm sure it's funny, but...

I'm Dwayne Johnson, the actor.

Great. I'm Alex Russo,

and my hobby is I like to
poke things with a stick.

But I haven't figured out how
to make money with that yet,

so I'm in school.

Actors need a second job until
they make it. You're a plumber.

Actually, I'm not a plumber.
I've been in quite a few movies.

Acting is my first and only job.

All right. Hope that
works out for you, then.

Wow. Well, let me know if you
ever get into personal training.

You're in shape. What do you bench?

- , but who's counting?
- Right.

I could design a
cardio program for you.

- Oh, my gosh. That'd be great.
- You em like a nice girl.

I always dat first.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Let me go look at the fountain,
see if I can fix it.

It's terrible. I think I read
about that on the internets.

- I gotta go cheer him up.
- Right.

- I'll get back to you.
- OK.

Hey, everybody,
look! It's the famous actor,

Dwayne Johnson,
fixing our fountain!

OK, here's your turkey on
wheat with a side of coleslaw

and red and blue chips...

Dad! Misty May-Treanor is here

because Max pretended
to have a fake disease

that doesn't let him taste,
hear or see orange.

And people are giving him gift baskets,
and it's all wrong.

- Did you say Misty May-Treanor?
- Yes.

Whoa!

That was a spike.

Oh! Misty May-Treanor!

Is it? Misty May-Treanor!

Wow! You're... you.

Yes, I am.

Mr. Russo, I can't even
imagine how rough it is

for you to deal with what
Max is going through.

Misty, there's something we all
need to tell you and I'm just...

Yes, yes. It's very, very trying

to have a son with this condition.

Especially with the
furniture in this house.

What? Lies!

What makes it worse is when the
whole family's not supportive.

We... We're working on him.
He's in denial, so...

Dad, we're making salad.
Do you want a bowl?

Salad. Of course I would, son.

Justin, you mind covering
my shift down at the shop?

I think we're gonna be awhile.

No! I'm already working a double,
and this is...

You wanna get the door, son?

Aunt Misty, I just
searched the internet

and there's no such
thing as mono-orangosis!

The truth!

You know, since the Olympics,
this has been happening a lot.

- You people are sick.
- No, Misty, wait!

- You have to sign my...
- Let it go.

- ..sign my son!
- No!

- Please! Misty!
- Not your son.

- Get out ay! Misty!
- Come on. No!

So, here we are, T.J.

I got Jenny back and now
I got the art class back.

So I guess you can say
I'm kind of on a roll.

It gives me great
pleasure to announce

that I am going to be
teaching art class.

Wait.

You're teaching the class?

Yes, thanks to your
inspiring speech.

Oh. Now I'm on the roll.

All right, let's kick things
off with a little painting.

Today we're gointo
be interpreting me.

Wearing my cowboy suit.

All right. Please grab your brushes

and pay attention to detail.

Take your time and don't rush,

as art is all about pre-planning

and being exact.

But that's not art.

It is if Mr. Laritate,
our art teacher, says it is.

Brushes up!

And... begin.

Mr. Laritate, no offense,

but I... I don't think
art is about being exact.

It's about everyone's
individual interpretation.

Not here. I'm the
sheriff of this class

and I wanna see
everyone's replication

of the billowy
wooliness of my chaps.

Mr. Laritate, as much as I
would love painting your chaps,

I think art class should
be a little more creative.

A class where we can
truly express ourselves

in a way words can't.

If you think you have a
better interpretation

of what art class should be,
why don't you share it with us?

Right. Everyone grab your brushes

and paint whatever you want.

Be creative, spontaneous,
passionate.

I'll show you passion.

Is that all you got?

Ha-ha!

Whoa, Nelly!

Alex, look what you did.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Laritate.

Miss Russo, I have never seen,

in all my years of teaching,
a student who...

I know, I know.
A student so disobedient,

who cares about no one
but herself, blah, blah.

I heard this last period.

No. I'm talking about a student

who showed so much passion
for what she believed in,

who probably surprised herself

but didn't surprise me at all.

Just look at what you inspired.

To reward you for your
dedication to this class,

I'm going to go out and
find you a real art teacher.

- You can be teacher's deputy.
- Great.

My first job as deputy is this.

T.J., why don't you
take out your sketch pad

and draw yourself a detention slip?

I'll show you a detention slip.

Thank you. That's
exactly what I wanted.

That backfired.

OK, here's the melt you
ordered with no cheese.

So, technically,
it's just warm tuna.

Mom, Dwayne Johnson
is upstairs with Max

because he pretended to
have mono-orangosis again.

- Did you say Dwayne Johnson?
- Dwayne Johnson.

Oh, my God!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

All these muscles and I'm powerless

against your mono-orangosis.

Dwayne Johnson!

Oh, my gosh! You are you!

Yes, I am. Mrs. Russo,
I'm so sorry to hear about Max.

- It's gotta be so rough on you.
- Oh, it's so tough.

I could just faint.

- Catch me, Dwayne.
- Sure. Yeah.

Oh!

I heard you were here.
There's no such thing as mono-orangosis.

Ever since I became famous,
this is happening a lot.

You people are sick, even you, Mom.

Let's go, Chelsa.

- No.
- Give me this. Ungrateful.

Wait! Wait, wait!