02x21 - Justin's New Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

Oh my gosh, that was so much fun.
I love silent movies.

Although it wasn't very silent
with Alex talking the whole time.

Uh, silent movies are the worst.

It's not that hard to go back

and put some voices in the movie.

I mean, people do it all
the time on the Internet.

The other day, I saw Big
Bird doing a Kanye West song.

Justin, don't listen to her.

She could never appreciate the
subtle nuances of Laurel and Hardy.

Oh, how about when they were
pushing that piano up the stairs?

You knew it was coming down,
but you just didn't know when.

Genius.

No, it was two idiots
moving something

they should have paid someone
else to move for them.

It's like that time you and Dad tried to
push the dishwasher up the fire escape.

We had to buy a new fire
escape and a new dishwasher.

She's just jealous.

She doesn't think it's a movie unless
there's a car crash every five minutes.

Hey, Car Crash Every Five
Minutes was a great movie.

Yeah, you knew the car was going to crash,
and you knew exactly when.

Genius.

That's a good one.

Oh, Harper, the silent movie festival runs
all week. We should go catch another film.

That's a great idea.

Wait, you guys are going
to the movies without me?

You obviously don't like silent
movies and we're really into them.

We should go see one of the
Charlie Chaplin comedies tomorrow.

Oh, that sounds great.

How can you call them comedies
if you can't hear the joke?

You don't need dialogue
for a comedy to be funny.

Oh, really? Well then
let's see about that.

I rest my case.

♪ Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no
doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ You can get all you wanted
in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

You made this sandwich
with mayo on it.

Come on, Jerry, you're making me look
bad out there. I wrote down, no mayo.

Well this says, plus mayo.

That's an X . X means no mayo.

Why don't you just write no mayo?

Can't bring in a Navy code cr*cker
every time you turn in an order.

Just fix the sandwich.

This is New York.
People want stuff fast.

If you were a superhero
your name would be

Super Slow Sandwich Making Guy."

And you'd be my sidekick.

Wonder How She Ever
Became A Waitress Woman.

You don't quite understand
what I do back here.

There's a lot more to it
than just making sandwiches.

I have to get the supplies,
do all the prep work,

make the orders and deal
with a wisecracking waitress.

Oh, I would love to see you do my job
dealing with customers for a day.

There's a reason
you're back here Jerry.

People don't like sweaty waiters.

There, I said it!

Hey, why don't you
guys just switch jobs?

That way you can see how hard it
is to do the other person's work.

Oh. Well, I don't know.
Your mom's job seems pretty tough.

I mean, you have to write
down what people want.

And then later,
you have to bring it to them.

I can totally do your job!
And I can smile.

They won't be used to that.

Oh, bring it on.

I'll sit back here where no one can see me
and stuff a bunch of meat into slices of
bread.

But I'll get it right.

Stuffing?

This is an art.

They don't just give these Sandwich
University diplomas away to just anybody.

I made you that for Father's Day.

I still earned it.

Hey Alex, the movie was so good.

Awesome.

Matching t-shirts?

Oh, are they having a field
trip at school today?

Don't worry. You won't get lost.

They're prizes.

We knew the most Chaplin
trivia. Jealous?

Yes. I'm jealous of other people, because
they're not a part of this conversation.

- She's jealous.
- Uh-huh.

Harper, don't forget about the
Lon Chaney silent movie tomorrow.

We can't miss that. I'll make us shirts
that say we like our festivals...

...silent.

Oh...

I'm gonna go.

No, Harper.

Forget about the stupid
movie with Justin.

Let's go to the bowling alley

and rent shoes just to eat pizza.

And then when the guy behind the
counter threatens to call the cops,

we'll say "Do it, cause we'd like to get
a ticket for wearing bowling shoes."

I can't. Tonight's the night my mom
and dad and I pick out a kitten.

Now that things are great at home,
Doctor Paul says it's safe for animals.

Sorry.

I don't want you dating Harper.

It could upset the delicate balance of
who I can pit against whom in my life.

I'm not dating Harper.

Oh, come on.

You make plans.
You go to the movies.

She walks you home. That's a date.

Wait a second.
I know what you're doing.

It's a scare tactic to get me
to stop hanging out with Harper.

Oh, really?

Because one time when you were napping on
the couch, she stared at you for an hour.

What? You let her stare...

You know, it's not working.

Harper and I just
like the same movies.

And she's kinda fun now that she's not
acting like some freak who has a crazy
crush on me.

OK, but that freak is living right
under the surface so stop dating her.

We're not dating!

But, you know what?

It looks like it bugs you, so hey,
why don't we call it a date.

With a capital "D."

Oh!

Yeah, I just found
out in Career Class

that you only need to go to
school hours to become a pilot.

I totally have that kinda time.

Dude, you've never even been in a plane.
They're not gonna let you fly one.

You were hours away from me
asking you to be my co-pilot.

Oh, Harper, there's a lecture tonight by
the guy who helped Buster Keaton do his own
stunts.

Wow, so a billion year old guy
is going to talk about falling?

Why don't you just go
hang out with Grandpa?

Oh, Justin, don't listen to her.
Count me in.

OK. Can't wait.

So where's Justin taking you
to dinner before the movie?

He didn't say
anything about dinner.

Well, yeah. No, I know.
But I mean, you've been out a few times.

Dinner and a movie, it's kinda what
people do when they're on a... date.

Date?

Oh my gosh. You're right.

I am dating Justin.

I never thought it
would happen like this.

By accident.

Oh, hey Justin. How ya doing?

Have you ever noticed,

that you and silent film star Rudolph
Valentino have a lot in common?

You're both half-Italian,
you both worked in a restaurant.

Although you're not a dancer.
But if you were a dancer,

I'd come to one of your shows.
Are you having a show? Cause I would go.

Would I make you nervous
if I sat up front?

I hope it's Grease.
Cause I love Rizzo

and I hate Sandy.

Nice going, Alex.

I know you did something to Harper to
make her act all "Creepy Harper" again.

Hey, everything's back
to the way it should be.

I'm her best friend.
She weirds you out. You're mad at me.

And she watches you sleep.
Everybody's happy.

No. I liked hanging out with
a girl that's just a friend.

Relax, you still have Mom.

The point is you
sabotaged our friendship

just because you didn't want
me hanging out with her.

It was a nice break
from my other friends

where most of our
conversations are about

"Actroid the Japanese Fembot."

Here's your Number
Four with no tomatoes.

Whoa. What did you do?
Stuff the whole cow in here?

Excuse me for putting a
little meat in the sandwiches

instead of just rubbing
it on the bread.

Now, where do these go?

Dad, didn't you write down the
table number on the order?

That would help.

Look, Max, can you figure
out who ordered these?

Dad, I don't want to get in the
middle of your competition with Mom.

I understand, son.

But for five dollars
you will, right?

I do need money for flight school.

Uh, OK.

Mom. I need a Brooklyn Bridge.

OK. What's in that?

Two pastrami sandwiches
connected by a hot dog.

Who orders that?

The guy that started
out with dessert.

Max, listen, you've got to help me.

I don't know how your dad
keeps track of all of this.

Listen, Mom, I like you,
I really do.

But this is between you and Dad.
I don't want to get involved.

All right, I understand, Max.

But, I could get involved
for the right price.

Oh, really?

OK, here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa Mom.
Don't make it so obvious.

Oh. Look, someone must have dropped
a five dollar bill on the floor.

OK, now help me!

I messed up on all
of these sandwiches.

All right, when you
mess up on a sandwich

here's the sponge Dad uses to clean
the condiments off the bread.

He calls it "The Eraser."

Thank you.

Oh.

I think you know a
better way to thank me.

Just fix those sandwiches.

OK.

Harper, what are you doing out here?
Why don't you just go in?

I am never going in there ever again.
Justin cancelled on the Buster Keaton
lecture,

and then when I tried
to make other plans,

he said he w busy for
the rest of the year.

Harper, you'll get over it.

Let's go inside and I'll
make you some hot chocolate.

Hey, wait a second.

You're being awfully
nonchalant about all this.

What are you talking about?
I'm being totally "chalant."

Did you say something to Justin?

Did you tell him about tt one
time I watched him sleep?

You did, didn't you?

That could be
misconstrued as creepy.

C'mon, Harper. We're back to normal.
Back to normal's good.

Alex, you're a pretty controlling
person and I put up with it

because you're my best friend.

But you knew how I
felt about Justin

and you couldn't just be okay with it.
What kind of best friend does this stuff?

Okay, maybe I didn't think it all the way
through, but you know what I was going for.

You know what?
I don't need an answer.

This is the kind of
question you hear now,

and think about later when I
leave in a huff. Which is now.

So you are going to
think about it, right?

I...

Mom, I need to talk to you.

Oh, can it wait, Alex? I'm finally
getting caught up on these orders.

Aren't you the one who always says,

"I always have time for you and
whatever problems you're having?"

That is you, right? Mother.

What is it, sweetie?

Two people very close to me are having
a problem, and I tried to fix it,

but I might have made it worse
for everybody, especially me.

Well, if you truly care about them

you'll need to put their
feelings above yours.

Do you know where Dad is?

Let me finish.

Get them in a room together and don't
let them leave until they work it out.

All right, that's
actually not a bad idea.

They'll be friends again,
they won't be mad at me,

and I don't have to apologize
to anyone. Thanks, Mom.

Oh, nice job pretending like
you wanted to talk to me.

OK, sweetie.

I'm here. What do you want?

I wanted to talk to you about this
whole mess. Here, grab a soda.

I'm gonna take out the garbage.

What do you want, Alex?

I don't have time for anything.

Ah! Justin! You're not
supposed to be here!

It's my house. You're
not supposed to be here.

Make your troubles no more,
go in through the out door.

Why are you here?! Oh,
I have to go.

Harper.

Um!

Whoa!

What's going on?

I don't watch you
when you sleep. Bye!

Stop following me.

Hang on, Harper.

Alex must have cast the "In
Through the Out Door" spell.

We can't leave without
coming right back in.

I should've known.

She said she was going
to take the garbage out.

She never takes the garbage out.

Why would she do this?

Because she's evil and probably
wanted us to be friends again.

Well, she's not gonna
get away with it.

Yeah. We gotta get
back at her for this.

- We should use magic.
- Yes!

We can make her really tiny and
chase her around with a vacuum.

My new kitty hates that.
Or we could...

Whoa! That's...

You've obviously been learning
about magic from Alex.

All magic isn't devious
and manipulative.

Really?

Then what's so great
about being a wizard?

Alex did the "In Through
The Out Door" spell, right?

But she probably wasn't smart
enough to put a "spell lock" on it.

Alex always wrecks it.

Make this door an exit.

We're free.

We gotta get back at her with something
that we know she hates. Something...

Something bad.

Silent movies!

Or books! Yeah! She hates books.

We can just get a bunch of
books and throw them at her.

Ooh, hardcover.

Payback time.

Yes, it is.

Alex, you're about to star
in your own silent film.

Take away color and sound,

this is where revenge is found.

That was awful.

I'm gonna go lie down.

I'm exhausted from all that
running and overacting.

Listen, Harper.

I had a good time at the
silent movie festival with you.

And just because the festival is over,
it doesn't mean you and I can't...

You know, go catch a
flick once in awhile.

Oh, Justin. That'd be great.

There's a festival
coming up in Florida.

I can ask my mom if we can borrow her car.
And even if she says no,

I'm willing to go on the run with you
despite the trouble it will bring me.

Whoa... Harper.

Right. I'll try and control myself.

I'm probably more fun that way.

Little bit.

Dad, I can't help
you this afternoon.

Because I quit.

What? Why?

Are you in a play?

No, look. I just wanted to raise enough
money so I can go to flight school,

but they told me when I got down there,
that it was gonna be , dollars.

So I bought this suit instead.

But you can't quit. I need you. Your mom is
on the ropes. She is gonna cr*ck.

No, she's not. I've been doing
her job for her. She paid me.

I should've known.

So, you've been paying Max to
do your work for you? Ha ha!

I win.

But Dad, you've
also been paying me.

So you've been taking advantage
of our son for your own benefit?

What kind of irresponsible
parent does that?

Or lets him dress
up like a doorman.

I'm a pilot.

You know, you guys need to realize
that both of your jobs are hard. OK?

You should really
appreciate each other more.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I need to go practice
my pilot talk.

Flight attendants, please
prepare the cabin for take off.

Bing-bong.

What can I get for you?