05x01 - Friends and Lovers

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Rock: Guitar Feedback]

[No Audible Dialogue]

♪ I like to dream ♪
[Continues, Indistinct]

[Ally Narrating] It
started off perfectly.

Now, I-I've been having a
lot of perfect days, actually,

and this promised
to be another one.

- Then, boom.
- [Screams]

I ran into myself. You
ran into your... self?

Yes. Now, I didn't
know it at the time,

but-but she had that lost look.

She didn't know whether she was coming or
going, up or down. Remind you of anybody?

And then, since I
mowed her over...

[Both Grunt] Is-Is
anything broken?

No, it's not broken. [Scoffs]

I didn't even love him anymore.

Well, that should have been my first
clue. So I ask her again how she was.

Oh, no. I'm...
[Neck Cracks] fine.

I just... What?

I just really miss him.

[Ally] And then she hugged me.

She just hugged me. Mm-hmm.

I mean, think of it. I run
over a strange woman.

I almost k*ll her, and
then she's hugging me.

And then, to make
things worse, she's-she's...

She's... you. Yes.

And she goes off
onto this big story about

how she and her
ex-boyfriend worked together.

Ring any bells? Ding, ding.

And how she has this
huge case, and the firm

suddenly decided to
represent the other side...

because there's more money in it, and the
client got dumped, and then she got fired.

And n-n-now she's
brokenhearted. Over losing her job?

No. No, no, no.
Her ex-boyfriend.

I'm so... confused.

Well, the thing is, is that she
still really loved her ex-boyfriend.

Ding, ding.

He would rub my feet. He
would give me these reflexologies.

You know... how every
part of your body is

represented by a
specific point on your foot.

Did you know that? I-I read.

Well, he would take his little
finger, and he would tickle my uterus.

- [Laughs] Isn't that cute?
- [Horn Honks]

[Ally] She was like... me.

So I-I... hired her.

You did what?
Well, I... She... I...

I've just... I've come to a point in
my life where deep, deep down, I...

I long to be... a-a mentor.

[Groans] Dear God, no.

♪ I've been down down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love
has to bring Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

[Vonda] ♪ Sometimes I'm right ♪

♪ But I can be wrong ♪

♪ My own beliefs
are in my song ♪

♪ The butcher, the baker ♪

♪ The drummer and then ♪

♪ Makes no difference
what group I'm in ♪♪

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Ally, they've already
started the staff meeting.

I thought nothing happened
here without you. She said that?

Oh, never mind, Elaine.
Um, no, I'll take that.

Sure. Come on.

- I love her so far.
- Ally? Tick-tock.

- Everybody,
this is Jenny Shaw.
- I don't like her.

She's a lawyer, and I've
just hired her to work here.

- Wait. You did what?
- I have a good feeling
about her, Richard.

Ally, you're an associate.
We just hired Corretta.

Right. Right. But you were saying
that we needed to hire somebody else.

You were saying
that all last week.

And I might have
continued saying it this

week if we hadn't hired
somebody this morning.

Oh. Oh, uh...

So, uh, unfortunately,
uh, Jenny, I'm afraid...

- Tell Mr. Fish about your case.
- Well, I was home
one evening...

making clam linguine
for a friend of mine.

- It wasn't a lover. It was just...
- Skip ahead.

And the phone rang, and it
was one of these phone giants...

asking what long
distance service I use,

and how they're offering
these new low rates.

- Skip ahead.
- And...

this was the fourth time this
week that I had gotten such a call.

Do you ever get those calls? How
many of you ever get those calls?

- [Mutters]
- Anyway, I sued them
for harassment.

They deliberately call at dinner,
and I don't have a lot of free time.

I don't want to spend
what little time I have...

listening to some idiot tell me how I
can call England for 10 cents a minute.

So, I sued them.

[Chuckles] Well... Good.
That's, uh, excellent.

Well... Oh, but there's
more. Tell him more.

Well, I filed my claim
as a class action,

and I put out a notice for other
potential plaintiffs to come forward.

And other people did come
forward. I'm up to 72,000.

You have a class action
with 72,000 plaintiffs?

- Yes.
- Against which
phone companies?

- All of them.
- All of them?

They all do it. It's
a trade practice.

Have they answered
your complaint?

Yes. They brought a 12-B
to dismiss, and I b*at them.

And the phone companies were so impressed
that they went to her firm, hired them,

and then the firm dumped the
plaintiffs and eventually Jenny.

So she has a portable, Richard.
She comes here with 72,000 clients.

And growing.

Oh, well, uh, Jenny, I-I
think I speak for everybody...

And who cares if I
don't... When I say...

what a privilege it is to
have you join us. [Chuckles]

Richard, Glenn Foy has arrived.

♪♪ [Barking, Stops]

[Richard] Ah. Well,
Glenn... Uh, excellent. Uh...

Is this... Is this a trick? [Laughs
Nervously] What are you doing here?

- What are you doing?
- I work here.

What?

Well-Well... Uh, wait.
You-You two know each other?

- [Whispers] It's him.
- Him. Him? Him who?

♪♪ [Barking, Stops]

Oh, the cute uterus tickler?

I... I don't understand.

Jenny, when they fired you, I quit,
and Richard hired me to work here.

- You quit over me?
- I didn't know you were
coming to work here.

Well, this is great. Then we
can... We can still work together.

Yeah. Um... Oh.

Okay. [Sighs]

A-A boy. A total boy.

And a pretty boy at that. I never go for
pretty boys, especially young pretty boys.

I-I just thought he was cute.

Ally, I'm not clear
why this is a problem.

Why do you do that? Do what?

Tilt your head like that? You
go, "I'm not clear. I'm confused.

I'm not comfortable." And it
happens a lot on-on... "C" words.

I have a... chronic
tic disorder.

Certain words trigger it.

I'm...

cut to the quick that
you would mock me.

I'm-I'm... I'm so
sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Now, I-I had no idea that...
- You still don't trust me.

Well, I-I just don't find
lawyers particularly trustworthy.

And-And that I would hire
one as my therapist is-is...

Gee. [Inhales]

I mean, as highly
recommended as you are.

You know, I-I went to a lawyer who I
thought was a therapist, which he was not.

Cost me a year of my life.

Tell me more about the cute
boy. Oh, he's so wrong for me.

Of course. Because?
Well, for one thing...

[Camera Shutter Clicking]

He's so GQ. Puke.

And-And he's Jenny's ex.

And I've done the whole love
triangle thing, okay? Hello?

Wh-What do they call those people who-who
relive their lives over and over again?

The clinical word? Yes.

Pathetic. Right.

Right. Well...

Well, I'm not one to relive my
past problems, thank you very much.

I've committed this
year to new disasters.

Ally, give me your hand.

[Clears Throat]

You said you wanted
to talk about the girl.

Jenny. Yes. But you
keep bringing up...

the boy.

[Camera Shutter Clicking]

[Ally] Hey.

Hi. Um... [Clears Throat]

[Sighs] What's wrong?

They won't release the files.

Who? My old firm.

They refuse to
release my client files...

since they think I should
be disqualified from the case.

And I need those files to prepare
for my decertification motion...

should I win tomorrow
and get to stay on the case.

And I'm not a
vulgar person, Ally,

but I really think
they're... pricks.

What did you think of Glenn?

Mmm. Oh, um, well,
he-he seemed, uh, nice.

He is.

But I really think it's time for
me to find a new best friend.

Mm-hmm.

Are you available?

Well... [Stammers]
Well, actually...

Do you have a boyfriend?
No, not at the moment.

Do you have any close
friends who are male?

See, I'm just tryin' to get a
sense as to whether I'm aberrant...

to have a male best friend.

No. You know, one of
my best friends is-is male.

No, John Cage.
I... I-I even love him.

John Cage. He's the little one?

[Chuckles] Yeah. Well, you
know, he might not be tall,

but-but his-his
heart is mammoth.

And you love him? Totally.

Yeah, he gets
me... my weirdness.

And, you know, he loves all
of my little eccentricities, and...

And I love his. Well, why don't
you date him if you love him?

Can I help you?

Oh.

No, thank you.
[Neck Cracks] Just...

No. [Cracking Continues]

No chemistry? None.

Mmm. [Scoffs] You know,

as much as I love him as a
friend, I just... there is just no heat.

You know? I'm just... I'm
just not attracted to him.

What's up, buddy?

Are you okay?

Ally loves me.

[Vonda] ♪ And I think
I'm goin' out of my head ♪

♪ And I think I'm
goin' out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

- ♪ Over ♪♪
- Ally? You ready?

- For what?
- Court?

Court?

C... Oh! Oh, court.

Court. Yes. Court.

Court. Yes. Let's
go... off to court.

Court. Right.

What do you mean, you can't
work for me? You signed a contract.

I didn't sign a contract.
We had an oral thing...

An expressed, binding oral,
uh, thing. Richard, listen...

I pulled you off the streets when you
were jobless. This is the thanks I get?

It was a bidding w*r. My bid won.
It was an orally binding bidding...

Thing. Look, Richard, Jenny
and I had a thing. So? She can go.

I don't want her to
go. Why is it your say?

First you're quitting. Now you're in
charge... You're mixed up, Glenn.

This is what happens when you start
breaching orally binding bidding, uh...

Things. Ah. Mm-hmm.

- I'm sorry.
- [Growls]

Can I make a suggestion? [Sighs]

You have no place to go.
Why not give it a week?

If you and Jenny can't work
together, then leave. If you can, stay.

- See, that's smart, and I don't
even pay her what I pay you.
- Richard.

One second, John... It can't wait
another second. I'm irreparably fraught.

I'm sorry. He's fraught.
Uh, we'll talk later. Hmm?

We're not late. I promise
you, we are not late.

We're not late? We're
not late. We're fine.

- Jenny. Hello, dear.
- Oh.

Ally McBeal, this is Simon
McAllister, the man who fired me.

I didn't fire you, sweetheart.
We had a situation. That's all.

You told me I couldn't work there
anymore. That was the situation.

One day you'll run your own firm,
Jenny. I have absolutely no doubt.

And when you do, you'll better
appreciate the economics involved.

- All set, Simon?
- You're arguing?

Hey, Jenny. Hey.
Raymond Millbury.

Hi. Hi. Ally, uh, McBeal.

Well, we should head
in. Nice to meet you.

You too.

You thought he was
cute. [Stammers] I-I did not.

You did. You looked down and
gave your outfit a quick glance-over.

I do that too. When I meet a
cute guy, I check my outfit...

and my breasts to make
sure they're still there.

Can we just go in, Jenny?

You checked your
outfit. I did not.

Did too.

I-I didn't know you had
these feelings for Ally.

Well, neither did I, really,
because I think they were buried.

But when I heard her say she loved me,
everything inside me was just unearthed.

And I'm upended.

John, don't you think
if Ally were interested,

she would have given you
some little sign? Ah, maybe.

Maybe she's, you know... Perhaps she's
afraid to jeopardize the friendship or...

Well, then make the move
and... Oh, what move?

Declare yourself.

Well, it's not that
easy, damn it.

The thing about Ally is she's
riddled with emotional deficits.

One being she can't fathom
being loved by a worthy other.

So when one does
pursue her, he instantly

renders himself unworthy
in her lake-like eyes.

So, I can either deny my
heart and let her continue...

to covet me, or I can...

reveal my fancy and
extinguish her desires.

I'm upended.

"Lake-like eyes"?

Yeah. Her eyes
look like lakes to me.

Ponds, actually. Placid
with deceiving depth.

Oh, that's nice.
[Mutters] Just never mind.

Well, so what you need to do
then is, uh, get her to pursue you.

Well, how do I do that? Well, uh,
give her hints that you're accessible.

You got to give her the
confidence to be the aggressor.

You think so? I do.

Though the actual odds of her
liking you... Hello? No, she said it.

I heard her, damn it.

Then instead of going to her,

you must find a
way to let her know...

she can come to you.

You know... [Mutters] No.

[Mouths Word]

This does seem
suspicious, counsel.

Your firm beats the phone
companies' motion to dismiss.

Now the phone companies
come to you to defend them.

We discovered we
previously represented...

one of the defendants,
and that posed a conflict.

- Oh, please.
- Please. It was
an old antitrust matter...

that had nothing to do...

One of the companies
was, nevertheless, a client,

which means we're ethically prohibited
from now prosecuting a claim against them.

That being the case,
they chose to hire us.

Fine, but why should
she be disqualified...

Miss Shaw has been privy...

- to files which she might rely upon...
- I never saw any old files.

In the interest of avoiding even
the appearance of impropriety...

[Both] Oh, please! First you switch
sides to represent the deeper pockets...

And now you're using this pretext
conflict argument to disqualify her.

Figuring that no other lawyer is
gonna take the time to push this uphill.

What Miss Beal refers to as a
pretext is the law in the commonwealth.

This is bad faith, and they should
be sanctioned. And it's McBeal, okay?

- McBeal.
- Look, I can't know
their motives, Miss McBeal.

Without being able
to read their minds...

Your Honor is certainly capable
of exercising common sense.

Now, they are trying to squash
Jenny Shaw in the hopes that it'll...

effectively squash the case, and
now they won't even give her the files.

If Miss Shaw should be recused
from representing these clients...

If that happens, I'll
give 'em back, you dink.

Sorry, Your Honor. You
can disregard the "dink" part.

That's inside information. [Walsh]
Miss Shaw, I'll let you stay on.

But I think this case
is a big waste of time,

suing the phone companies
for soliciting business.

I'll see you both for the
decertification hearing tomorrow.

Adjourned.

♪ Every time I see her she
don't even look my way ♪

♪ Maybe she would notice me ♪

I'm telling you, Richard.
She's good. She's a fighter.

We should try to find a way to
keep her. What's with her and Glenn?

Well... Uh, stuff.

Well, lovers can be friends.

- And friends can be lovers.
- [Spits]

That's true, John.

Perhaps one day, uh, that
could be in the cards for you.

[Spits, Chokes]

Perhaps. Thank you for that.

Indeed.

That was your move? Shh.

No, you looked like
you had gas, John. Shh!

♪ Drives me wild ♪

♪♪ [Continues] [Thinking]
Somebody's after me.

I'm not sure who it
is. It-It could be Jenny.

"Lesbionically"?

No. No. Could be the boy.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. See? There. You
brought him up this time, not me.

Ally, I was once a boy.

Thank you. I didn't
know therapists...

were supposed to reveal
their own guarded secrets.

And it was an older woman who
came to me and first made me...

a man.

Allyson, give me your hand.

I know about life.

When you do find the
perfect mate, you'll marry him.

And you'll commit the rest of your
waking days to trying to change him.

Then, finally... 10 years, 20 years,
30 years hence... you'll succeed.

And you'll look
across the table at him,

having rehabilitated
every one of his habits,

all of his idiosyncrasies,
and you'll bemoan,

"You're not the man I married."

Could you hone in on a point?
The younger men are trainable.

If you find him attractive, if he's smart,
take him home. Take him shopping.

Take him into your bosom.

It's not the man who
makes the man, Allyson.

It's the woman.

I've decided you're
completely wrong. About?

About how a woman
should find a mate...

who's like a pet that
she can house-train.

I just don't think that's what a
woman should be looking for in a man.

But, Ally, we like it.

We live to obey.

[Groans] Well, that's not
what I'm looking for in a man.

Ally, give me your hand, please.

Would you like to be able
to stop thinking about Glenn?

Yes. All right.

What I'm about
to tell you next...

is highly... confidential.

When the attraction is
sexual, and only sexual,

the best way to extinguish it...

is to go to your self
with him in mind.

I beg your pardon?
It puts out the urge.

Are-Are you suggesting
what I think you're suggesting?

Libido is a thirst,
Allyson. Best to quench it.

And if you can do so without him
actually in the room? Much neater.

Do-Do you do that?

It's not... appropriate
to discuss my habits.

Mmm, you're a lewd person.

But I'm a good therapist.

If your attraction for him
is sexual, and only sexual,

the means for b*ating
it lie in your own hands.

[Boz Scaggs] ♪ Hey,
you steppin' on my head ♪

♪ Why you have to
throw rocks at my bed ♪

♪ Must you shout ♪
[Continues, Indistinct]

[Ally Narrating] A woman can
just tell when she's being pursued.

And maybe God made another me...

Under the theory that if
at first you don't succeed.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Ally? Oh, oh.

Jenny. Uh, Raymond Millbury is in
Glenn Foy's office. He's waiting for you.

Ally? Uh, one second.

- Thank you. Thanks.
- I need you to help work this
out between Glenn and Jenny.

We need him to
stay. Richard, I...

This affects their
lives. It affects our lives.

What? How does it affect
our lives? He's a talent.

If he stays, we get more rich. If he
goes, we don't. More rich, less rich...

Richard, it's just
stup... [Gasps] Sorry.

It's all right, pork chop.

"Pork chop"? W...

I... It's just, uh... [Chuckles]

I meant to say "lamb
chop." Damn it. Oh.

[Muffled] All right.
All right. Nice, huh?

Mm-hmm. [Chuckles] Mmm.

You called me a dink. I heard
it. Heard it? I said it to you.

All right, Jen.
He's got an offer.

You do? Drop the
case on the merits.

We agree to pay your clients'
legal fees... sealed, of course.

Which we'll round off to 75,000.

Since you're technically between
firms, all the money goes in your pocket.

That's 75,000 to you, Jen.

Plus, you agree not to
sue us for any wrongful

termination nonsense.
How you doin' today?

- What's going on here?
- Nothing's going on. You've got an offer.

Hmm. The phone companies
suddenly agreed to pay her $75,000?

Phone companies know nothing
about it. The money comes from us...

- Goldman and Burns.
- Exactly what
do you get out of it?

Three very pleased
billion-dollar clients...

who decide to send
more business our way.

Oh, so this is a payoff?

- It's not the term I'd use.
- What about "bribe"?

Antagonistic little
thing. Are you married?

What?

- Raymond.
- Don't go out with him.
- I'm not about...

- You think he's cute.
- I do not think he's cute. Would you...

Jenny, the case will never survive
summary judgment. This is free money.

Yes, but I have 72,000 clients.

So give them a dollar apiece
and keep 3,000 for yourself.

But don't walk away. This
is the best I can do for you.

- This was your idea?
- Doesn't matter
whose idea it was.

- I don't need you
to come in and rescue me.
- I'm not...

And you are such a contradiction in
terms. First quitting out of principle,

and then orchestrating a bribe
to seem like a shining knight,

- probably hoping that later
I'll go down on your lance.
- Oh, nice.

- Do you two still
have sex together?
- Please stop.

- Could you give us a second?
- No deal.

So, you're gonna let your pigheaded,
stubborn pride get in the way?

No deal.

Oh, they were... They were just
bickering like-like little children.

'Cause, you know,
that's what they are, right?

They're all children. Right.

Why do you say
"right" like it's "wrong"?

Ally, give me your
hand, please. [Sighs]

Ally, do you have aging issues?

Me? Why would I have
issues about... that?

Can you even say
the word "aging"?

Yes, I can say the
word "aging." See?

You know, one way women
seek to recapture youth...

is to see themselves through
the loving eyes of a younger man.

Perhaps to feel herself in
his strong, muscular arms.

Perhaps feel him inside
her aging, withering...

Don't be gross.

I really think we need to
extinguish our evil urges...

so that we can
move on with our life.

You need to surrender
to my wisdom, Allyson.

John?

Corretta, hello.

What are you doing?

I'm working on a new smile.

Oh. Okay.

[Water Running] Corretta,

could I ask you
something as a woman?

You could, but aren't you a man?

Yes, I... No, I meant you. Just...
Forgive me. I dangled a modifier.

Do you think that it's
possible for two people...

who were once lovers to work at
the same law firm just as friends?

Now, I refer, of course, to
the Jenny-Glenn situation,

which is fraught
with emotional pitfalls.

And of which, uh, as a... as a
partner, I must be concerned.

So, do you think it's possible
that they could just work as friends?

Yes. Oh. Excellent.

And as a corollary, I suppose it
would be possible for two people...

who have worked together as
friends to suddenly become lovers?

No, no. No. That-That
doesn't happen.

Oh.

Oh. But why not?

It just doesn't happen. Friends
don't just slide into being lovers.

Attraction is instant. It
either happens or it doesn't.

Oh. Well, all right. Thank you.

Although... Although what?

It did happen to me once.
This guy I was friends with...

One day he just said... Oh.

"Enough of this." Mm-hmm.

"I want you, and you want
me. Let's get on with business."

Uh-huh. Oh. I was so startled.

Oh, I see. I suddenly
saw him in a different way.

Yeah, right. And we
did end up going out.

But that's an exception.

[Steam Hisses]

Thank you for your
input. [Clears Throat]

- Are they both
going to work here?
- Who?

Glenn and Jenny.

Oh. Well, we'll see.

[Vonda] ♪ I don't
want to lose your love ♪

♪ If you leave me, baby ♪

♪ What would I do ♪

- ♪ What would I do ♪
- Corretta said that?

Just prance up and say,
"Let's get on with business."

She could be right about getting
Ally to see you in a new light.

Yeah, but it just
seems so sophomoric.

Mmm. As opposed to smiling
at her like you need Maalox.

No, seriously... John,
why all of a sudden Ally?

Well, it's always been Ally,
Richard. That's the point.

I'm just finally getting around
to admitting it to myself.

Okay. But why Ally, as opposed to anybody
else? Emphasizing the word "anybody."

Because she's magic.

She understands
loneliness. She's afraid.

She's not afraid to be
afraid. She's just... magic.

Hey. [Shrieks]

Uh, did you talk to Glenn?

I am not gonna be able to talk
Glenn into staying at the firm, Richard.

Ally, no, you don't understand.
More rich, less rich... I get it.

But what is so damn special
about him, other than he makes rain?

Ally, he's, uh... He's magic.

I mean, he... Forget
his lawyer skills.

He understands loneliness.

He's afraid. He's not
afraid, uh, to be afraid.

The man's, uh, magic.
Would you agree, uh, John?

Funny little guy. Is he okay?

Personally, I think
he's gone mad, but...

No, he's fine.

♪ If you leave me,
baby what would I do ♪

♪ Oh, what would I do ♪

♪ I don't want to
lose your love ♪

♪ If you leave me, baby ♪♪

[Steven's Voice] Go to
yourself with the boy in mind.

Extinguish... the urge.

♪♪ [R & B]

[Barry White] ♪ I don't
wanna feel no clothes ♪

- ♪ I don't wanna see
no panties ♪♪
- [Stereo Off]

What are you lookin' at?

[Partridge Family] ♪ Hello, world,
hear the song that we're singin' ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lotta lovin' is
what we'll be bringin' ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream we'd
go travelin' together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on ♪♪

You humiliated me. Oh, come on!

You recite the exact words... She
didn't know they were your words.

She had to know
they came from me.

You're not capable. Let
me tell you something, John.

I'm afraid of being afraid sometimes.
I know loneliness. I'm deep...

Deep? You don't even have an
outer core. You end at the mantle.

That's funny. You think this
is funny? I was sharing a...

Do you have any
appreciation of the risk here?

She's one of my very
best friends, Richard.

I could lose all of that by making
a play for her. So why do it?

Because I love her!

Do you really?

Yeah.

You... [Chuckles]
Well, I-I'm sorry.

I'm so... I didn't... I-I didn't
mean to make fun of you.

Look... Look...

If these are your feelings, I guess I
agree with Corretta. Be direct with her.

Richard, I could jeopardize
our entire relationship.

Well, you have to consider
what you lose by trying.

And you have to consider
what you lose if you don't.

I'm gonna walk the plank.

Yeah. [Laughing] All right.

You all set? Ready.

Ally, I think I should argue
this one solo, okay? Sure.

Hey. Off to court?
Oh, hey. Hey, Glenn.

- I saw that. You checked your outfit.
- I did not.

- You did too. I just saw you.
- Shh!

I have to go to the girl's
room. I'll be back in a second.

Ally... No, I tried to talk
her into taking the offer.

Oh, no, that's not what I
wanted to talk to you about.

[Thinking] Oh, boy.

Oh.

Well, wh-what is it that you
want to talk to me about?

Well, um...

I'm thinkin' that
maybe I should leave.

Oh. So she doesn't have to.

Well, Glenn, you know... Ally?
A second, please? It's important.

Well, wh-what's going on?

Ally, enough of this.

I want you. You want me.
Let's just get on with business.

You know, I don't really
have time for jokes right now.

[Nose Whistles]

- All set?
- [Whistling Continues]

S-Set.

[Whistling Continues]
You looked down.

Did not. [Whistling Continues]

[Whistles Twice]

Hello. [Nose Whistling]

They can't demonstrate any
commonality for the plaintiffs.

She's never even
met the plaintiffs.

They've simply filled out
questionnaires and signed their names...

One of the reasons we allow
for class actions, Your Honor,

is some claims would be too
cost-prohibitive to prosecute individually.

- This would clearly
be such a case.
- What are the damages?

Your Honor, harassment damages
are, of course, very hard to quantify.

[Judge Walsh] That may
be true, but what's the harm?

- Have they ever called you?
- Yes. I hang up. I don't sue over it.

Well, what about the
nice people who don't feel

so comfortable just
slamming the receiver down?

Maybe your damages are
they've rendered you rude.

[Judge Walsh] Is that the harm? The
phone companies put the plaintiffs...

in the uncomfortable
position of having to be rude?

Well, I feel like I'm being
forced to argue the merits here,

and this motion
isn't about the merits.

No, it's about whether 72,000
plaintiffs should be certified as a class.

And to determine that, I have to
decide if the damages are the same.

And so far, I don't see any
real damages for anyone.

Okay. So let's just take
a step back here and...

No. I suggest you take a step forward,
Miss Shaw, and show me the damages.

- Uh... Uh, Your Honor?
- No.

I can do this.

Mmm.

For most people, life
is about trying to cope.

We work all day
and we come home,

and if you're lucky,
you get a few minutes...

to sit back and
collect peace of mind...

or have dinner
with your family...

or just enjoy some privacy
and not be bothered.

And then these people call.

And they do it at
dinnertime by design.

And they do it over
and over and over.

Why? Because they don't
care whether they bother you.

They don't value
the few seconds...

that you get to maybe talk
to your child or your spouse.

So what if you've told them six
times before that you're not interested?

They think nothing of interrupting
you again and again and again.

They do it with automated voices
even, and ask you to push a button.

It's at no cost to them. They
are the phone companies.

And who cares what
the cost is to you?

Your time doesn't
matter... Not to them.

But do you know what, Judge?

It does matter.

Is it a huge deal? Maybe not.

But... let's just make
them pay a dollar.

One lousy dollar for
every time they deliberately

choose to annoy
somebody in their home.

Is that too much? One dollar?

How about 75 cents?

They make a hundred
billion dollars a year.

How about 75 cents...

for willfully harassing
people at the end of the day...

when they know we're tired?

You don't have to pick
up the phone, Miss Shaw.

[Jenny] I know, but
it will keep ringing.

And it will ring again
and again and again.

Turn off the ringer. Well,
suppose it's an emergency.

Suppose you're waiting
for somebody to call.

Suppose you've been
waiting and you keep waiting.

And every time you pick it up
thinking it's somebody, it's not.

It's always the damn
phone company.

So, that's how it all started.

You were waiting for me to call, and
it was always the phone companies.

Don't flatter yourself.

[Sighs] Jenny,

you're always the
one who breaks it off.

Because you're a pig and
a schemer and a clown.

And all you care about is sports,
and you're impossible to live with.

You're impossible to be with.

You're just not
impossible to love.

So should we just...
be smart about it...

and work in different law firms?

Those teenagers you date occupy all
your free time. We'd never see each other.

You know, Ally and a former
lover worked here. They did it.

He d*ed, but... [Inhales]

Then let's do it.

Hey, I did agree to
an oral contract here.

And you... They're not gonna
want to lose you. Oh, really?

And why is that?

Because you have 72,000 clients.

Oh. The ruling came back,
and the judge certified the class.

He did? Mm-hmm.

[Both Chuckle]

He still wants to take discovery
on damages, but for now...

you've got a class action
against the phone companies.

So, if you're, um,

lookin' for that second
chair, I'm ready.

♪ Best of friends ♪

♪ Never part ♪

♪ Best of fools
has loved forever ♪

♪ From the bottom of his heart ♪

♪ So why pretend ♪

♪ This is the end ♪

♪ You have to find
out for yourself ♪

♪ Go on, ask somebody else ♪

♪ Why can't you just
get it through your head ♪

♪ It's over It's over now ♪

♪ Yes, you heard
me clearly now ♪

So they're both going to
work here? Uh, seems so.

Thank God. Yeah, Richard
thinks that, um, Glenn is magic.

Yes. Yes, I-I heard.

I'm gonna make a bar run.

♪ I can't take it ♪

♪ Lord, I swear I just
can't take it no more ♪

So, do you think, uh, lovers
can be friends, or vice versa?

Mmm. I don't know.

But I'll tell you what, John.

If they're lucky, they'll
come to have what we have.

Yeah. Yeah.

What... What do we have?

Well, you know... A
true platonic friendship.

♪♪ [Slows, Stops] You know, I don't
know very many men or very many women...

who have that kind of relationship...
a healthy, autonomous relationship...

without-without the pressure
of sex and-and anything more.

Yeah. Yeah, we are blessed.

We are.

We are. We are.
[Babbles] [Laughs]

Cheers.

[Sighs] Oh, hey. Hey. Hi.

Hi, John. Oh. Hello.

- Where's Glenn?
- He said
he had some surprise.

♪♪ [Big Band]

Oh, this is for me!

"Lady Is a Tramp." That's
what he used to call me.

"His little tramp."

Oh. [Mutters]

How romantic.

♪ She gets hungry ♪

- [Applause]
- ♪ For dinner at 8:00 ♪

♪ She loves the theater
Doesn't come late ♪

♪ She'd never bother ♪

♪ With anyone she'd hate ♪

♪ That's why the
lady is a tramp ♪

♪ Doesn't like dice games ♪

♪ With barons and earls ♪

♪ Won't go to Harlem ♪
[Mutters]

You talk to Ally yet?
Nah. I decided not to.

Why not? Well, I just decided...

it's just a little
seasonal infatuation.

Infatuation? Yesterday she
was magic. Yeah, Richard.

Well, just drop it, all
right? I mean, I-I just...

I don't really love her. I
think it was hormones.

Haven't you ever had a lousy
hormone? Uh... What's-What's goin' on?

I just don't want to go there.
I thought I did, but I don't.

Mm-hmm. No.

No, I'm just... I just...
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

♪ Life without a care ♪

♪ She's broke but it's "oke" ♪

♪ She loathes California ♪

♪ It's cold and it's damp ♪

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ That is why the lady ♪

♪ That's why ♪

♪ Lady is a tramp ♪♪

Well, he is cute and-and he
sings. Did I tell you that he sings?

Three times. Well, Jenny
still clearly loves him.

And you're not
comfortable with that.

If you don't mind my asking, why
do you feel the need to protect Jenny?

Well, it's obvious...
because I used to be her. Ah.

And what you're trying
to protect her from?

Uh... Uh, I don't know.
Maybe-Maybe from becoming...

Who you are today?

And who am I today?

It would only be a guess.

Take it.

Somebody who desperately wants
love, but who no longer believes in it.

Hmm.

Hmm. Well, that's a... [Sighs]

pretty offensive thing to say to
somebody, not to mention hurtful.

I'm sorry. Well...

Uh, do you want to fill me
in on why you think that?

Oh, I tend not to say things
my clients don't want to hear.

It costs me business.
I'd like to know.

All right.

You're not willing to be with a man
you think is capable of hurting you.

Oh. Really? And... And
why do you think that?

Only you know why. Oh, no. Well, you
think it. I want to know why you think it.

You really want that boy.

[Woman] You stinker!