03x14 - Third Wheel

[bunniefuu]

sh**t, there's something I've been
trying to remember for the past few days.

Was it that I'm halfway
between birthdays

and you wanted to bake
me a half-birthday cake?

That's a full cake.

Don't let the word
"half" trick you.

Daddy, stop trying to
take advantage of her.

Hey, she lives here now.

I can exploit her just like I
exploit the rest of you people.

Sorry about that, Harper.

But out of curiosity,

were you gonna get me
a flat screen TV

I could mount onto the ceiling?
I really hate sitting up.

No, I don't think it...
Wait a minute.

TV... TV...

Oh, no fair!
You're gonna get a TV!

TV... Stevie.

Stevie! I think it had
something to do with Stevie.

Our friend Stevie?

Oh, was it that I wanted to borrow
her cute boots and that shredded top?

I thought you were allergic
to other people's clothes.

That's why you never
borrow mine.

Why don't you jog her memory
with the "Jog Your Memory" spell?

Oh, that's what
that spell does?

I saw the word "jog"
and I bailed.

Do what you say
Say what you mean.

One thing leads to another.
Remember!

I remember! Stevie took out
her wand and did a spell.

She's a wizard!

Oh, my gosh!
Stevie's a wizard?!

Quick, Harper.
Bake a cake to celebrate.

And just so we're clear,
that's two cakes.

As your student body
president, people,

I'm happy to announce that we
are now accepting volunteers

to help build this year's
homecoming float, everyone!

Hey, this may be
your only chance

you ever get to build
a homecoming float.

Well, unless your job is
professional float maker.

I need to go see
the guidance counselor.

I'm not signing up
for your stupid thing.

I wouldn't want you
to help anyway.

All right. There's Stevie.
We have to be careful.

We can't just come right out
and ask her if she's a wizard.

Okay.
I'll follow your lead.

Hey, Stevie. Harper wants
to know if you're a wizard.

- What?
- She didn't finish.

What she meant to say was...

...are you a wizard...

...of... Oz?

I'm not good at this.

Oh, who cares?

If anything goes wrong,
I'll just erase her brain.

Did you just say something
about erasing people's brains?

Well, that depends.

Do you find the idea
of brain erasing

ridiculous
or un-ridiculous?

I find it ridiculous
that you would think

that I would find it
un-ridiculous.

As I hear people say
all the time,

and cannot spell,
"touché."

Yep, that's right.
I'm a wizard.

Okay, before I get
too excited about this,

would you be terribly offended
if I asked you to prove it?

- Not at all. - She keeps her
wand in her boot! I do that, too!

Oh, my gosh,
now I'm excited!

Harper, she's a wizard!

Wait a minute, where did
that hole lead to?

I have no idea.

Oh, my gosh. I love
irresponsible magic.

That's pretty much
the only kind I use.

But that was
Jeremy from Science.

He was about
to ask me out.

- Harper?
- And now we'll never know.

This is so great. I can't
believe that you're a wizard too.

Finally,
someone who gets me.

All right,
does it bother you

how wizards
are portrayed on TV?

We have the long beards
and the pointy hats.

Nah, it's fun. Watch.

Hey, this is fun.

Hey, look,
I'm a wizard.

Harper,
that's offensive.

Hey, so have you seen
the new issue of Wiz b*at?

"I want the puzzles."

Hey, Harper.

It looks like Stevie and Alex
are getting pretty close.

They're not
getting close.

They're just excited 'cause they
found out they're both wizards.

Stevie's a wizard?

That explains the hat.

What about the beard?

Harper, that's offensive.

She's even more like
Alex than I thought.

This is not good.

What do you mean?

Non-wizard friends can't
compete with wizard friends.

I mean, think about it.

Stevie and Alex can go on wonderful
magical adventures together.

What can you two do?

Text each other from
opposite sides of the couch?

Hey, it goes from my phone to
outer space back to her phone.

- That's pretty magical.
- Okay...

Harper, I hate
to tell you this,

but I think you're in danger
of becoming a third wheel.

That's ridiculous.

Nothing could ever affect
my relationship with Alex.

In fact, all three of us are
about to go to lunch together.

All right, I will
meet you guys there.

I don't want
to keep them waiting.

All right, Zeke. You and I are
the entire homecoming committee.

I guess it's up to us.
Um, um...

We need a theme
for our float.

Robots!

Not everything we do has
to be robot-themed, Zeke.

How about... I got it,
just came to me...

"Tahitian Fantasy Cruise"?

Hmmm. Exotic.
Aspirational.

- Coconuts. I love it.
- Yes!

Wait, are you serious?

Tahitian Fantasy Cruise?

That's the best
you could come up with?

And why do you care?

Because I'm gonna
have to listen to you

talk about it
for the rest of your life.

Hey, how about
"Friends Forever"?

It's a theme
and a life philosophy.

How about this
for a theme:

"High School...
Tick Tock, Let Me Out."

Now, that's a theme.
I vote for that one.

I'm with Alex...

...as always.

All right. Fine.

We'll go with
Stevie's theme.

And since you all voted,

that officially makes you
a part of our committee.

So you're helping.

Excellent! Good.

Zeke, it looks like the float
will proceed as planned.

That's great!
I'm gonna go get started

on the float
entertainment right now.

- No robots.
- Aw, man!

I'm walking out
as a robot anyway.

Well, I think we've put in
enough time for today, don't you?

No, no! We just started.
We haven't done anything.

Come on, we've put
a tarp on plywood.

That's it! That's all.

Oh, I'm sorry, Justin.

But Stevie and I
need to do something

that takes advantage of
our new magical friendship.

And putting wet paper
on chicken wire is magical.

Let me show you!

Hey, we should
go to Sled Mountain.

I hear they have the only sledding hills
in the entire wizard world that go uphill.

That's the exact opposite
direction they're supposed to go.

- That is so magical. -
Mm-hmm. I'll race you there.

No! Alex, you can't leave.
We're counting on you to help.

Relax, Justin.
Harper's gonna be here.

It's like my homework. She'll be
doing my share of the work anyway.

Wow. Alex is really
taking advantage of you.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Oh, don't be.

I've only been doing her
homework at about a "D" level.

Harper, it's gonna be cold on Sled
Mountain. Can I borrow your sweater?

Oh, okay.

Great. See ya!

I know what that looks like,
but that was a one-time thing.

Alex and I
are still like this.

Harper, can I borrow
ten bucks?

- All I have is a dollars bill.
- Perfect. Thanks!

Oh, my gosh,
you were right!

I am the third wheel.

- Harper...
- Oh, no, this is bad.

That doesn't even
make me feel better.

No, no, no.
Leave it there.

Hey, Harper.

What's wrong?

You look like you could use some
good old-fashioned fatherly advice.

That would be nice.

Do you want me
to call your dad?

I'm sorry.

What's the problem?

Alex would rather hang out
with Stevie than me.

I've become a third wheel.

A third wheel, huh?

Maybe it'll make you feel better
if you think about it like this:

A table can't even stand
without a third wheel.

Tables don't have wheels.

You know, if you
weren't so critical,

maybe people would want
to hang out with you more.

Oh, my gosh.
I am too critical.

I've driven Alex away.

No. No, no, I didn't
mean it like that. Um...

You know, I was
a third wheel once, too.

Me, John Bender
and Ponyboy.

- And it was fine.
- Really?

I mean, sure, I didn't get
to tag along with them

to all the cool parties.

And... sometimes I felt
like they were using me

just because my sister
was so good-looking.

Who am I kidding?
It was terrible!

There's nothing worse
than being a third wheel!

And the worst part is...

...you never get over it!

You're scarred for life!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Uh... Harper?

Are you ready to help
with the float?

Justin, I'm sorry,
I can't help you anymore.

I'm too upset to do anything
creative or productive.

Now you know pretty much
how I've felt my entire life.

I know, it's gonna be okay.

I wasn't even cool enough
to hang out

with a guy named Ponyboy.

Ponyboy?

Okay. Think, Justin, think.

Without Alex around, Harper won't
be able to help with the float.

And without Harper,
the float won't get done.

So, there's only
one thing left to do.

I've gotta use magic.

All right, I'll just pretend I'm
Alex and convince Harper to help me.

No, I can't do it.
It's just not me.

But I do need
to finish the float.

But it's a selfish use of
magic, and that's wrong.

But it would allow Harper to be
with her friend, which would be nice.

No, I can't do it.

But I have to.

But I can't.

Alex?

Oh, my gosh, you came back
to be with me.

Yes, I'm... Ahem!
Yes, I'm... I'm Alex.

And I came back to...
work on the float with you,

and also to tell you
how much you mean to me.

You've never said that
to me before. Thanks.

Well, you're welcome.

You've never said that to me
or to anyone.

You must be really
making an effort here.

Wow. She sure has set
the bar low for herself.

Why are you wearing
Justin's clothes?

Because I stole them.

From Justin.

Because I'm a dirty,
lying thief.

I know you are.

We did it!
We finished the float.

This is just so...

Alex, I'm really
proud of you.

I've never seen you work so hard
on anything in my entire life.

Yeah, well, I probably
wouldn't get too used to it.

I mean, it's not like
I'm Justin or anything.

Yeah, lucky for you.

I beg your pardon?

That's just what
you always say.

- Oh, no.
- What?

Let's pretend that we didn't
work on a float together.

I'll be right back, probably
wearing different clothes.

Wow! The float
looks nice, Harper.

I'd hope so.

You and I worked hard enough
on it. Nice new outfit.

What are you
talking about?

Well, you changed. You were
wearing Justin's clothes.

Justin's clothes?
Disgusting.

Hey!

Wow, look at
the two best friends

standing in front
of a homecoming float.

You know, I don't know
who built this thing,

because really, I wasn't here,
but it sure does look great.

Alex and I built it,

and it's one of the more pleasant
afternoons we've ever spent together.

Harper, that doesn't
make any sense.

Hey, I got an idea.
Let's not talk about it.

You know what
doesn't make sense

is how you changed clothes
faster than humanly possible.

All right!
You broke me down!

All the constant stares.
It was me!

I used magic for selfish
purposes to turn myself into Alex.

And that means
you were out with Stevie.

And I really am the third
wheel. Oh, I can't believe it.

Third wheel?

Wait, are you saying I can't
hang out with other friends?

I guess you can do whatever you
want, Alex, just like you always do.

And I'll keep on forgiving you,
just like I always do.

Is that the way you think
our relationship works?

Pretty much, yeah.

Well, now I'm getting
upset with you.

Oh, well, don't worry. I won't
hold it against you. I never do.

Will you stop it?

You're not acting like a
very good friend right now.

Excuse me?

Did you just say I'm not acting
like a very good friend?

'Cause you can call me a lot
of things, Alex, and you have,

but a bad friend is not okay.

Would a bad friend be working
so hard on something she hates?

That's right.
I hate this float idea.

I think it's tacky
and cynical.

But I'm working on it 'cause it's
the one my best friend wanted to do.

That's the kind
of friend I am.

Fine. If you hate
this float so much,

then why don't I just
get rid of it for you?

Because that's the kind
of friend I am.

What are you doing?
Stop it!

I'm not gonna let you
do it on your own

'cause that's the kind
of friend I am!

Well, I'm gonna tear faster
to save you the trouble.

'cause that's
the kind of friend I am!

Oh, not if I can
help it, friend!

By the way,
I forgive you!

For what?!

I don't know!
I'm just being friendly!

Harper, please! What are you
doing? What about all our hard work?

Who says you can't
stop time?

And it serves you right taking
advantage of me like that.

Aaah!
I know. I'm ashamed.

What in the name of Rancho
Cucamonga is going on here?

Mr. Laritate,
I can explain.

Spare me the tattletale
act, Mr. Russo.

When I heard your sister was involved
in this, I knew it would end badly.

You are like a dust devil in a
field of brittle brush, Missy.

Come on. You're just
making stuff up

that sounds Western now,
aren't you?

You are destroying
school-funded property,

which is grounds
for expulsion.

- Come on, let's go.
- Wait! You can't expel Alex.

Why not?

'Cause it was me. Alex had
nothing to do with this.

It was all my fault.

Well, I'll admit I'm surprised
to hear you say that, Miss Finkle.

Harper, what are you doing?
Just tell him the truth.

I am. This was all me.

No, no, it wasn't,
Mr. Laritate. It was me, too.

In fact, it was mostly me. You
can't punish Harper for this.

Well, let's see. Two people telling
me two completely different stories.

How will I ever
solve is problem?

- I believe Harper.
- What? Wait... Why?

Because, frankly,
Miss Russo, you are a liar.

And as for you, Miss Finkle,
there's a special place

reserved in detention
for first offenders.

Actually,
it's not that special.

It's a bean bag chair
in my office.

But good luck
getting out of it.

The trail of tears
is that way.

This isn't so bad.

Yeah, well, wait until
you try and get up.

Show-off.

You just earned yourself
an extra hour detention.

Alex?

What are you doing here?

I feel bad about
what happened

and I'm worried that
you're still mad at me.

If I was still
mad at you

would I have taken the blame
for ruining the homecoming float?

Why did you do that?

'Cause I saw how much trouble
you were going to get into,

and even though Stevie's
your new best friend

I guess I wanted to keep
being your friend, too.

Well, you're not
my friend, Harper.

What?

Stevie's my friend.

You're my sister.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- Okay.
- What are you doing?

Well, I'm not gonna
let you sit in here alone.

But what if you
get in trouble?

For what,
sneaking into detention?

Yeah, I'd love to see
how that works.

I guess if you get into trouble
you're already here, so...

Hey, your boots match
the detention chair.

Yeah, there used
to be two chairs.