03x28 - Wizards Exposed

[bunniefuu]

Hey guys. I made us little something
for double date tonight. Matching hat.

Sweet. We look like a group. Which it ...

That way we want get b*at up.
We're just gonna make fun of a lot.

They're lovely,Harper

You don't have to agree with her.
I'm your girlfriend, you're agree with me.

Harper, we're not wear this thing.

Yeah. They're ratchet*
[*--]British word mean ''bad looking'']

Let's go Mason.

Let's get you perfume store, and get
you some free sample perfume spray.

If you fancy... You kinda smell like a dog.

Yeah. I guess...

Hey guys, take it easy.

Zeke thinks Mason smells like a dog because
he doesn't know that Mason actually is a dog.

What's your excuse?

Jerry, what's going on?
I don't like this.

I don't know.
Let's get out of here.

This way!

Back!

Good morning, Russo family.

I'm Agent Lamwood from...

Well, I can't tell you because it's a
secret department of the US government.

We've had your family under
surveillance for months.

Oh no, Dad. They found out that
our sodas are mostly ice.

We know you're wizards.

Can I offer you some ice
with a splash of soda?

We can talk about how ridiculous that is.

Not at $ . a cup you can't.

Take 'em away.

I need to get a note for school!

I know how much is in the register,

and I expect it to be there
when I get back!

What's the yellow tunnel for?!

I will not panic.

I will not panic.

I will not panic.

♪ Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt
justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Gee, I wonder how
they found out. Alex.

Me? The government is
always looking at nerds.

They're either threats or recruits.
Which one are you? Hmm?!

Everyone stop it.

We need to stick together as a family.

No one tell them anything.

We don't want them to find out
we're you-know-what's.

What's a "uni-what?" Is it related
to like a unicorn or something?

Dad. I have my hidden mini-wand in my boot.
I can get us out of here.

Oh! Thank you for
this toothpick, Alex.

I had a little stuff stuck here.

We don't want them to know
we're wizards.

There's cameras everywhere.

I... I think I just
took care of it.

Yep. Well, good luck
with that on the b-side.

Dad. What do you think
they want with us?

I don't know, but I hope they make it quick.
I need to take a whiz...

Ards?! I think I heard enough.

Welcome, wizards.

I've brought you here so the US government

can have a better understanding
of how you creatures work.

Creatures? Look, I know
that Justin's funny looking,

- but don't lump me in with him.
- You can't keep us here.

All right?
People will miss us.

Yeah. I have a double date
later tonight,

and my friend made hats.

So when there's a hat with
no head, they'll notice.

No one's going to miss you.

We make people disappear all the time.

You don't hear anyone still talking
about Len Goldfarb, do you?

- Who?
- Exactly.

Now, if you'll just answer a few
questions about being wizards,

it'd be swell.

How do you get your powers?

The silent treatment.

Now, I guess I'll have to interview you separately.
Who wants to go first?

ÍOK, Max. You're up.

No, I wasn't volunteering.
I had a question.

- What's your question?
- Can I go first?

There's got to be a wizard world
telephone around here somewhere.

Oh! OK, all right.

Hello? Wizard world? Anyone?

Oh! Duh.

Hello?

Alex?

Where is everybody? I'm
ready for our double date.

There isn't going to be a double
date. Someone took the Russes.

I think they were from the government.

Oh, my. I'll go find
Professor Crumbs.

He'll know what do.

Well, he might not, but at least I'll
look like a hero for notifying him.

Wait. What should I do
while you're gone?

Just stay here.

That's what heroes say.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

What kind of a hero says,
"jiffy?"

Listen, Max...

We know you're the brains
of the Rso operation.

Well, thank you.

I've heard "armpit" before,
but never "brains."

Scientist One, here,
just has a few questions

and you can be on your way.

Hello, Max.

Is that your real body or does your
wizard soul take over an existing body?

Oh, that's a good question...

I think this is my real body.

But I'm not too sure, though,
I wasn't there when I was born.

"Wasn't there when..."

Wait, I can't write that.
They're gonna think I'm out of my mind!

OK, look, wizard, we want to
know how your powers work.

Yeah. Is there
a power core somewhere?

Are the powers in your wand?

Do you plug yourself in at night?

Kind of. I have to use an
electric blanket in the winter,

'cause it gets really cold at night.
My dad doesn't like to turn on the heat.

In fact, he makes us all gain a few pounds
in the winter to keep heating costs down.

"Wizards get fat in the winter."

Don't write that down!

That's what he said!

He also said he was an armpit.

OK, Alex, we know you're the
brains of the Russo operation.

Ah, flattery.

The first step in basic interrogation.

Why don't you try something else, noob.

...ha-choo.

Are you hungry?
Maybe you'd like a hamburger.

Go ahead, have some.

See, we're all friends here.

So, is everyone in your family a wizard?

You skipped a bunch of questions.

Excuse me for trying to keep it fresh.

Man, this little lady can eat.

OK, you've eaten.

Now tell us. Is everyone
in your family a wizard?

Oh, I'm not telling you anything.

Look, Justin,

we know you're the real brains
of the Russo operation.

Ah, thanks.

That's actually very true, because...

Look, I'm not telling you guys anything.

We're all friends here.
No need to get upset.

Now, Scientist One, here,
just has a few questions.

Who knows what order they'll come in.

Well, I'm not telling
Scientist One anything.

I demand to speak to someone else.

Is there a...
Scientist Two or Three?

Oh no, you don't want to talk
to Scientist Number Three.

If we need him to come in,
it isn't gonna be much talking.

Look, we know you're a smart kid.

I'm gonna tell you something
I didn't tell the others,

because I didn't think
they could handle it.

The government has intercepted information

that extraterrestrials are
about to land on Earth.

Extraterrestrials?

Please. Those rumors have been
circulating for years.

Well, what about these satellite
photos labeled "top secret?"

"Top secret."

Crop circles.

Crop circles were made by a
bored farmer. Give me a break.

We think they might be targets.

Targets? Are you serious?

Yeah. At the last meeting,
we decided they're targets.

I wasn't at the last meeting.
I had a thing with the kids.

- So you didn't hear the tape?
- What tape?

Oh! We intercepted what sounds like
some sort of alien communication.

Now, we're not sure what they're saying,

but we hope it's,
"We come in peace."

So... So, you're saying you have
actual tape of aliens communicating?

Think I could give it a listen?

This is an alien battle call.

They're saying
"Prepare to att*ck!"

Oh, my gosh. This is
worse than I thought.

I know. I just got
my car washed.

Now, I'm not saying there are wizards,

but if there were, and you were one,

we could sure use
that kind of help right now.

Son, Earth needs defending.

Earth needs defending.

I never thought I'd be
in a situation like this.

- I'll help you guys.
- You will?

Oh! But mere mortals are
no challenge for aliens.

Well, I'm no mere mortal.

I'm a wizard.

So here's what we're gonna have to do.
Go to my Wizard's Lair

so I can contact the
wizard world for back-up.

- Wizard world? Great.
- Yes.

Where's the Lair?
We'll take you.

It's hidden in our freezer
at our restaurant.

Justin, the US government thanks you.

Someday the world will thank you.

They might even throw you a parade.

I love parades.

Now, take this burger
and go back to your family...

...hero.

Sir. Sir.

I'd just like to thank you for
this opportunity to serve Earth.

- I won't let you down.
- I know.

I brought us a hamburger.

They gave Justin a hamburger.
He must have rolled over.

What did you tell them?

Did you tell them
we're you-know-whats?

Did they let you use the
bathroom? Was it worth it?

Look, look. Everything
is gonna be OK.

All right? I'm a hero.
You're all going home.

I'm staying behind

to serve my country and fight
the impending alien att*ck.

"Impending alien att*ck?"
What are you talking about?

That's why we're here.
They needed my help.

They have an alien recording
of a battle call

that I translated for them.
And you all laughed at me for Alien Language League

but my skills came in handy here.

You mean you translated
something in a language

that you and your weirdo friends made up?

They had us under surveillance.
They used that against you.

No. It was real.
It had static.

I assure you guys,
everything is gonna be OK.

Attention staff.

We tricked the kid into
admitting they're wizards.

Big thank you for
Justin Russo, everyone.

We don't have to stay late
tonight. Let's go, everybody.

Hey, congratulations, man.

They said your name.

Go, go, go, go.

OK, I admit...

I was tricked.
I know this is bad,

but there isn't much they could do with the
small tidbits of information I gave him.

Giving up the biggest secret of
our lives is not a tidbit.

It's the whole bit.

Guys, check it out. This wall is crumbly.
It's made out of coffee cake.

The kind that has a lot of dirt in it.

Guys, I bet you we can chip away at
this air duct and get out of here.

That's a great idea.

All right. Everybody, we have to stick together.
Into the air duct.

I really hope this leads
to the ladies' room.

Hey, is it... Is it just me,
or is this shaft getting shaky?

We're out. I saved us.

Close. We're still inside.
And you did nothing.

Oh, my gosh.
They have other wizards.

Professor Crumbs and Rudy Tootietootie.

Professor Crumbs, what happened?

They came for us. All of us.

How'd they get into the wizard world?

I don't know.

It's the US government.
They're pretty sneaky.

But from what I understand, someone told
Agent Lamwood about the wizard world.

Now what kind of horrible person
would do such a thing?!

It might have come up.

Well, they got in through someone's portal.

That also came up.

Professor Crumbs, do you have
your wand? Can you get us out?

I'm afraid not, Alex.
Nobody has powers.

Lamwood surprised us.
He got a hold of the Wizard Power Cord

- and yanked it out of the wall.
- No powers? What do we do?

Hidden in my beard is a single-use
emergency spell generator.

It has enough power for one spell.

Is this it? A cootie catcher?

Yes. Complete a turn to
activate its power.

You have ten seconds to cast a spell.

Max, stand guard.

Quick. Pick a color.

- Chartreuse.
- Pick a shorter color.

- Red.
- R-E-D.

- Now pick an animal...
- I see you found your friends.

Max, we told you to keep a look out.

- For who?
- Lamwood.

Oh. Lamwood's coming.

- And I have a friend for you.
- Mason! How did they catch you?

Well, I was admiring myself in the mirror with
this hat on when they snuck up behind me.

How does someone sneak up behind you
while you're looking in a mirror?

Well, I was very much admiring my hat.

We agreed that we weren't wearing these.

Guards, take them away.

- Max, give me a hand.
- All right.

Quick, pick an animal.

Wolf, of course.

W-O-L-F.

Alex, do the spell already!
Get us out of here.

Edgebono Youtoosis. Edgebono
Youtoosis. Edgebono Youtoosis.

Oh, my gosh. They used wizardry.

Run! Run, duplicate Russes, run!

How do we know which ones are real?

We're the real Russes!

Just get all of them.

This is gonna be a lot of paperwork.

Come on, everybody. Down here.

Hey, me first. He's old.
I have more to live for.

- Relax, you're next.
- Are you the real Alex?

Yes, and I know you're the real
Crumbs, because your beard stinks.

Yes, indeed, you are the real Alex.

Go and save your family,
you don't have much time.

- They've got almost all the Jerrys.
- Hey!

- Is that really what I look like
from the back? - Yeah, you do.

Yep, Jerrys are really easy to trick.

Now go, go, go. I'll save
the rest of the wizards.

Hey Crumbs, when I said you were
old and had nothing to live for,

what I meant was is you're
handsome and we're best friends.

Now get me out of here.

OK, OK! In here! In here!

We're the Russes!

Those duplicates aren't going
to keep them busy for very long.

Oh, I'll get it.

- No!
- Wait! Wait! What if it's Alex?

- Come. Follow me. Quick.
- No. Everybody stay here.

We're not falling for anything.

Yeah. How do we know you're not,
like, a duplicate Scientist One?

Wait, wait, wait.
These are just duplicates.

I've got them.
Go get the real Russes.

- Now do you trust me?
- OK, I trust you.

I'm a duplicate.
Now what?

OK.

Here's the escape hatch.
You can get out through here.

Oh, there you guys are.
What's going on?

You're getting out of here.
Lamwood is out of control.

We're not even supposed
to be studying wizards.

We're supposed to be studying lizards.

Come on!

Come on, come on, come on.

Hurry, hurry! He's coming!

I did it. I saved us.
We're home.

Close. We're in the middle
of the desert.

And you did nothing.

- Is everyone OK?
- No.

I let all of you down.
I'm sorry.

Hey, you thought you were saving the world.

It's pretty hard to be mad at you for that.

- Mason, you saved us.
- No, I didn't.

I know, I did, but I just
wanted to give you a hug.

What, are we just gonna
leave everyone down there?

- We gotta go rescue them.
- How?

If we go back, they'll catch us.

What are we going to do?

I don't know, honey.
Let's get back to the Lair

- and we'll figure it out.
- We can't go home.

They'll just come find us again.

Look, if we're gonna save those wizards
we're gonna have go to the authorities.

And say what?

That they've trapped a bunch of wizards?

We'll expose magic.

Well, maybe exposing magic
is what we need to do.

Oh, good.
You're still here.

Whoo! Oh, man.

How about that Scientist One?

He turned out to be a pretty good guy.

We're gonna try and grab some
brunch when this all blows over.

Is Professor Crumbs behind you?

Nah. He's doing
good down there.

He set us all free.

That old geezer is going
crazy Yoda on them.

Or I should say, "Going
crazy Yoda on them, he is."

That was just for you, Justin.

OK, well, which way do we go?

I'd have to say that way.

Thanks, Max.