05x16 - Teacher's Pet

[bunniefuu]

( Theme song playing )

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

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♪ We've been waiting for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too. ♪

Oh, no! Let me help you.

No, janet, I've got it. Let go.

Cindy, oh, okay, but
please be careful.

Boy, everybody thinks
I'm a klutz, but I'm not.

I took these down,
vacuumed them,

And put them back up
again without a hitch.

Hey!

Cindy, you know, in my
book, you're a perfect 10.

- Oh!
- On the richter scale.

Come on, jack.
That was your fault.

It was, jack. You're the
one who opened the door.

Right, I should've waited till
she tore the door off the hinges.

Listen, I got some news.

- ( Larry screams )
- what was that?

- I think it was larry.
- Larry?

I'm getting afraid to come
down here without a helmet.

I'm sorry, larry.

What are you
doin', redecorating?

No, larry, come here.
Listen, I got some great news.

Yeah, well not as great as mine.

I finally got a date with the
redhead across the street.

- You what? Wait a minute.
- Bernice!

What redhead across the street?

You probably haven't met her.

She's a very shy
and retiring girl.

You've seen her, janet.

She's the one who mows
her lawn in a string bikini.

Oh, yeah, the
one with the big...

- Janet!
- Power mower.

Right, anyway, she's coming
over to my place to eat.

I got the music. I got the wine.

I just need one thing
from your kitchen

To make my dinner
a complete success.

- What's that?
- You to cook it.

Not tonight, larry.

"Not tonight, larry"?
That's what she's gonna say.

No, any other night.

Dean travers asked me
to teach a night class

At the cooking school,
starting tonight.

Jack, you're gonna be
teaching? How terrific.

Oh, jack, I'm so happy for you.

Me, too. These are tears of joy.

Oh, come on, pal. It'll be fun.

You'll have a ball, fooling
around in your kitchen.

I know that, but who's
gonna cook dinner?

See ya, pal.

Boy, jack, teaching. How great!

Can you imagine that, a
teaching credit on my resume?

Now I can get a chance
at all those jobs

I never could get before,
and I can make a lot of coin.

Let's go celebrate
with some coffee.

- Drop that, cindy. Come on.
- Okay.

Ow, oh, she did it again!

Cindy, cindy, do you know
what you did with that pot?

I gave it to you.

Listen, guys, I am so excited
about this teaching credit,

- I can't believe it.
- Jack, I think it's wonderful.

You know, I've always wanted
to take a cooking class.

Yeah, after that hash you
cooked last night, I can see why.

That wasn't hash,
cindy. That was meatloaf.

It just didn't stick together.

And it wasn't half bad.

That's right, it was all bad.

I know, it was terrible.

I would really love
to take your class.

Well, I think you should.

Hey, this could really be
fun, cindy. What about you?

One thing at a time. I'm
still learning how to dust.

Jack, you think maybe
I could start tonight?

Yeah, sure, but remember, just
because you're my roommate,

That doesn't mean you're gonna
be getting special treatment.

I'll be handling you the way
I handle all the other girls.

Would you care to rephrase that?

Uh, well, yeah, actually,
what I mean, janet,

It'll be strictly teacher-student
while we're there.

Okay, jack, I don't need any
special favors. You teach, I'll learn.

Boy, janet, I bet you do great.

At my school, the best students
were always the older students.

( Coughs )

Save the pep talk, cindy.

I want complete attention and
complete obedience, miss wood.

Yes, sir, I'll do anything
you say, mr. Tripper.

Why don't we start on
some homework, okay?

Let's mover over and
sit on old teacher's lap.

- Oh, jack.
- And let's cuddle up, and...

( Indistinct chatter )

Tripper, come in here.

I've a few words for you
on your first night teaching.

Okay.

Ah, gee, dean travers, I remember
the last time I was in this office.

You know, I was just a
student, an unimportant nobody.

Nothing's changed.

You know, I was just
about to say that.

I can't thank you enough for
all you've done for me, dean.

I'll always look up to you.

Tripper, I make the speeches.

- Sit down.
- Sorry. Oh, sorry.

Now, teaching this class
can be just the beginning.

Beyond this lies the
glory of full-time teaching,

Moving up the school ladder

To administration,
and eventually...

- Your job?
- Over my dead body.

Oh, I'm sorry. It just
sort of slipped out.

Tripper, you talk too much.

I know, you took the
words right out of my mouth.

I let 'em go, and I
have to get 'em...

Tripper!

If you do well here, it'll help
you whenever you look for work.

Thank you, sir.

But if you screw up,
tripper... ( Imitates cutting )

- Gotcha.
- Which brings me
to my next point.

My niece, betty jean, will
be in your class tonight.

And she needs special attention.

I'll check on her
from time to time...

You know, all she has
going for her is beauty.

Say, every five
minutes. ( Laughs )

Down, tripper. My
betty jean is an innocent,

A fragile flower,

A delicate bud just
beginning to bloom.

And I intend to
keep her that way.

A fragile flower, right. I'll
keep the guys out of your garden.

I'm talking about
you, you young goat.

I know about those
three roommates of yours.

Only two... Well, three.
One is taking another's place.

Good lord, he's
running them in shifts.

Dean travers, I want you to know

How much this teaching job
means to me, so, if you have

Any worries about your
niece, please put them to rest.

Oh, good, tripper,
but you step outta line,

And I'll put you to rest.

No, sir, I'm sorry. I'll
be careful, no problem.

Okay, and so, using
the crescent side

Of the grater and
the softer cheddar,

We produce the long slivers
that will melt evenly in oven heat.

Okay? Okay.

Now, moving right along
in our first discussion

Of basic cooking skills,

Let us now consider the egg.

You'll all notice,
it's egg-shaped.

( Laughs )

I really don't know which
came first, the shape or the egg.

It's a toss-up.

( Laughs )

Thank you very much,
miss, uh... What is your name?

- Wood.
- Miss wood,
thank you very much.

- Now, in...
- Am I late, mr. Tripper?

Well, you're either very late for
this class or very early for the next.

- Please be seated.
- I'm sorry, I had
this slow waitress.

You know, there are only a few
minutes left in this class, miss, miss...

Betty jean travers.

Betty dean... Uh,
dean tr... Oh, well...

You know, I always say,
the last minutes of class

Are always the ones
that count the most.

Oh, good, I hope I
haven't missed too much.

No, nothing. And don't worry,

Miss wood will be happy
to lend you her notes.

Well, I'll be needing these...

Good, now, returning to the egg,

Or "back into our
shell," so to speak,

You're going to
be using many eggs

In the course of this course,

And so we'll need to talk
about separating them,

That is, removing the
yolk from the sweater.

Uh, uh, from... From the whites.

Now, uh, uh, when a yolk

Is harder to separate
when it's blond.

Uh, when it's cold, so you
don't want to refrigerate the...

Yes?

I was wondering,
which eggs taste better,

The brown shells or the white?

( Sighs )

What a wonderful
question, miss travers.

Pertinent, hard
hitting, to the point.

What's the answer, mr. Tripper?

Patience, miss wood.

Actually, there is no difference

In food quality or taste.

Okay? Okay. ( Yelps )

Now, separating the egg,

So as not to break the yolk.

If you all can see
me, watch carefully.

Try to cr*ck it in
the middle, like this,

And using your fingernails,
separate slowly.

That's it, keeping
the yolk in one half,

And then you use
what we call rocking.

Right here, and you see? Presto.

We have an unbroken
yolk in the shell,

And the whites are
in your mixing bowl.

You see? Thank
you, thank you very...

Whoa! Thank you very much.

Can we have some volunteers?

I'd like to see a couple
of you try this yourselves.

Yes, miss travers, why
don't you come over here

And take mixing bowl
number one, all right?

And who else?
Okay, you, that's fine.

- Well, I'm ready, mr. Tripper.
- You sure are, aren't ya?

All right, here are
your "legs, adies."

Or, here are your eggs, ladies.

Let's get cracking. ( Chuckles )

Oh, that's not bad... Well...

Miss wood, you're supposed
to separate it, not scramble it.

I'm afraid I've made
a mess of mine.

Not at all, all you
need is a little practice.

Here's another
eggy-eggy for you.

- May I have another egg, too?
- Yeah, right.

Yeah, but make this one
count, miss wood, okay?

I mean, laying these cannot be very
comfortable for the chickens, you know?

( Laughs )

Oh, well, that's not too bad.
That's pretty good, in fact.

- Oh, mr. Tripper?
- You'll learn.

I have this feeling I'm going to
get so much out of this class.

Absolutely. Let me
wipe those hands.

You don't want to attract any
angry chickens out there, do you?

May I have a towel, too, please?

Certainly. Right here.

- ( Bell ringing )
- there's the bell.

All right, all
right, cooks-to-be,

I'll see you tomorrow
night, same place, same time.

And as the old
vegetarian once said,

"Lettuce turnip on time,

So I don't have to ask
you where you've bean."

( Chortles )

Suffering succotash!

Okay, you crazy little
rutabagas, go on with you now.

Bye-bye. See you later.

- Jack!
- What?

How come I got all the hassling,

And miss betty jean gorgeous
got the velvet cushion treatment?

Janet, she happens to
be dean travers's niece,

And he wants me to
teach her how to cook!

Well, she's cooking
already, jack.

In fact, she's
about to boil over!

Janet, janet... Wait, can i...

- Excuse me.
- Janet...

Mr. Tripper, I just have
to do well in this course.

Well, I'm sure if you apply
yourself, there'll be no problem.

Oh, I will. ( Laughs )

Do you think there's any chance

Of my getting an "a"?

( Chokes ) uh, well, I
don't... I don't see why not.

You see, I'm not one of
those natural cooks,

But there are some
things that I do naturally.

- Oh, I bet there are.
- Like this.

Yeah? ( Muffled )

- Miss travers!
- We're gonna have such fun
staying after class.

No, wait a minute, you
don't have to do this.

You mean you'll give
me an "a" for nothing?

No, no, no, no. I mean, if you'll
apply yourself, perhaps...

- I'm trying to apply myself.
- No, I meant in class.

- No, miss...
- Oh, but I do...

No, I'm sorry, miss
travers, no deal!

Okay, chicken.

Try separating that.

( Doorbell rings )

It's open.

- Oh, hi, buddy.
- Hey, lar, come on in.

Hey, how'd the teaching job go?

Oh, let's not talk about that.
How did the redhead work out?

She didn't work
out. She walked out.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

I planned the perfect
romantic dinner.

I served roast beef with gravy,
buttered corn, green peas.

For dessert, there
was apple cobbler.

Well, that sounds
great. Didn't she like it?

Yeah, she said the
least I could've done

Was taken it out
of the little tray.

Larry, you served that
girl a frozen dinner?

Well, parts of it still were.

Lar...

Hey, pal, that is not the way
to make points with a girl.

You gotta show
her that you care.

I was planning to do
that after dinner. ( Laughs )

Hey, I got a thought.

What would happen if I
enrolled in your cooking class?

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

- You'd probably flunk.
- Jack...

- No, are you serious?
- Yeah.

Well, then show up
tonight at 7:00 sharp.

- 7:00, Gotcha.
- Yeah, ready to take notes.

How do you take notes in
cooking school, on wax paper?

( Giggles )

- Hi there.
- Hello.

- Hey, guess what?
- What?

I'm taking jack's
cooking class tonight.

If you wanna learn anything,
larry, wear a tight sweater.

Janet, would you stop
hassling me about betty jean?

Who's betty jean?

Nobody... Just your average,
run-of-the-mill sexpot.

Really? She's
learning how to cook?

Not only that, she's
offering free samples.

Free samples! Jack,
I'll be there at 6:00.

At least give me a
chance to explain.

- Ha! Ha!
- Janet, will you...

Janet isn't speaking to you.

- Why not?
- Well...

Tell him that I am so mad

At that stinker, I may
never speak to him.

- Janet says she's so mad...
- I heard, I heard.

All right, you tell her
that dean travers asked me

To give his niece a little
extra help, and that's all I did.

- Jack said
dean travers asked...
- Tell him...

( Blows raspberry )

Janet says... (
Blows raspberry )

- And tell him
I saw him kissing her.
- She said...

Tell her, betty jean kissed
me. I had nothing to do with it.

Jack said...

And if she doesn't believe
me, she can ask dean travers.

- Fine, I'll believe him!
- She says, "fine, I'll..."

Tell her, dean travers shows up a
half hour before my class starts.

- Jack says...
- Tell him I can't wait to call his bluff.

Janet says, have a class for an
hour, and she'll wait to bluff...

- Tell her that I don't...
- Hold it! I quit!

Janet, you're just gonna
have to write notes.

- Thanks a lot, cindy.
- Here, is there anything else
you don't wanna say to me?

Oh, you bet there is.

- Give him this.
- Okay.

I will not!

- What's that word right there?
- Don't play jokes
with me, jack.

Oh, janet, there's a lesson
to be learned from all this.

A lesson in faith,
honesty, and trust.

All right, fine, jack. If you've
learned a lesson, it's been worth it.

- Not me, you.
- Oh, jack.

( Loud knocking ) ow.

Travers: who is it?

- Jack tripper.
- Oh, good.

This guy loves me.

Crawl in here, you
miserable, depraved worm.

See what I mean?

Uh, dean travers, you
remember janet wood?

- Miss wood.
- Hello.

And I'm sure you
remember my niece, tripper.

Betty jean was just telling
me what happened here

At the school last night,
and I must say, I'm shocked.

Well, don't be too
hard on her, dean.

- After all, she's young and...
- Quiet!

How dare you thr*aten to flunk
my niece unless she kissed you!

W-w-wait a minute,
that's not what happened.

Jack, if I hadn't seen
it with my own eyes...

Who you gonna believe,
me or your own eyes?

I warned you!

Look, betty jean, tell your
uncle what really happened.

Before you att*cked
me, or after?

Before... Wait! After.

Neither, neither. Just
forget the question.

I'm taking your class
tonight, tripper.

- But mr. Travers...
- You're through!

When I spread the word
about you, you won't be able

To get a job tying knots
in a pretzel factory.

Come along.

Jack, you have ruined
your entire career!

And all over a girl!

I wasn't all over her.
She was all over me!

Mr. Tripper? Jack?

What'd you do, forget to
take the Kn*fe out of my back?

I'm sorry I said what I did.

It's just that I have this
funny thing about rejection.

Don't worry about it. Thanks
to you, I get to go home early.

I'm serious. How can
I make it up to you?

You can tell your
uncle the truth.

I couldn't do
that. He'd k*ll me.

Well, we all have
to go sometime.

Tell you what: let
me work on my uncle.

But first, let me work on you.

Wait a second... You mean
that? You'd talk to him?

Sure, if you're
nice enough to me.

Would you just hang on
one little second here?

I just wanna make
sure no one disturbs us.

Larry, larry, come here.
Larry, I need a favor.

I got dean travers's
niece in there.

- Oh, you want me
to be your lookout?
- Right. No, larry.

Look, I want you to
go find dean travers

And janet and have
them listen at the door.

- Well, it's a little kinky...
- No, larry! Larry.

They just went down the hall.

Go after them. Get 'em.

I want them to hear every
word said in here. Move!

Okay, okay, I'm on my way.

Hi-ya.

I thought you'd never come back.

Come here, gorgeous.

Why don't you come on
over here by the sofa?

Um, no, actually, I have this
thing about doors. ( Thump )

Shouldn't we talk first?

Talking I can get at home.

No, wait, wait, I
just have a question.

( Shouts ) betty jean,
did you really mean it

When you propositioned
me in order to get an "a"?

Well, i...

You're gonna have
to talk up a little bit.

I have this water in my ear...
It's an old submarine injury.

Did you really mean it
about that "a," betty jean?

I would've done
anything for an "a."

Ah-ha! All right!
There's nobody here.

We're all alone.

I wanna start earning my "a."

- Yeah, but betty... Wait one second.
- Come on.

There's a wonderful article in
here about pancake reproduction.

Where is it? You
might like this one...

Help me, help!
Somebody, save me!

- Get this animal off of me!
- What?

Tripper, unhand that girl!

Jack, how could you?!

I could've, but I didn't.

I left my purse in here,
and... And he grabbed me.

That's not what happened.
Betty jean, here, she...

Tripper, are you trying
to tell me this sweet,

Innocent child was the
aggressor, and you were the victim?

Is that what you
want me to believe?

Oh, yes, sir, I'd be so
grateful if you would.

Even if it was a girl, I'd
name her deanette. Anything...

Jack, would you just give it up?

- Jack, I couldn't...
- You coward!

Trying to shift the
blame to my betty jean.

Betty jean... B.j.! I
thought I recognized you.

You know him?

I've never seen him
before in my life.

Oh, that hurts.

I gave this girl
$200 off a used car,

And she gave me a
night I will never forget.

I don't know what
he's talking about.

Young man, I don't know who
you are, and I don't want to.

But you say one more
word to sully the reputation

Of this sweet child, who's
as pure as the driven snow...

Okay, okay, I'll cool
it, but I did give her

A great buy on a '76 chevy.

It was a '75, larry!

Betty jean.

Well, well, well.

It seems the driven snow
has a few tire tracks on it.

Tripper, perhaps I
judged you too hastily.

You better go now
and begin your class,

While betty jean
and I sort this out.

Let's go, students.
We've got class.

At least, some of us have.

Larry, by the way, you know,

That car you sold me was
nothing but a big lemon.

- Well...
- And if I remember correctly, so were you.

She, uh... Excuse me.

( Chortles ) what do
women know about cars?

Excuse me.

Oh, jack, I feel so terrible.

Good.

Are you ever gonna forgive me?

- I don't know.
- Please.

- Well...
- Oh, please, please, please.

Jack, I'd do anything
to make it up to you.

Forget it, that's how I got
into this mess in the first place.

Come on, janet, let us in.

Janet: no, not yet.
It's not ready.

She's been in there for hours.

Well, it's the first dinner
janet's cooked since she started

Going to class, and she
wants it to be perfect.

I know, cindy, but I'm her
teacher. I don't mind if...

Okay, you two, come and get it!

- Whoo-hoo!
- It's about time.

- Ahem, ta-da.
- Oh, janet, it's beautiful.

Janet, you have outdone
yourself, I must say.

Hurry up, sit
down, and taste it.

- I'm gonna dig right in.
- Okay.

Mmm, not bad. You're learning.

Not bad? It's delicious.

Jack, this is better than yours.

Come on, cindy, it couldn't be.

It is, this is the best
veal I've ever tasted.

Please, you're embarrassing me.

Why? It just proves
I'm a good teacher.

Oh, jack, you mean
you don't mind

If mine tastes
better than yours?

No, I'm flattered.

It's not every day that the
pupil exceeds the teacher.

- Thank you, jack.
- Excuse me.

Better than mine! ( Weeps )

( Theme music playing )

John ritter: three's company was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

( Theme music playing )