05x19 - Double Trouble

[bunniefuu]

( Theme song playing )

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waiting for you ♪

♪ We've been waiting for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too. ♪

Testing, testing, uno,
dos, tres, catorce.

( Clears throat )

Uh, "my name is jack."

"Me llamo jack." (
Mispronounces name )

"Dinner will be served at 8:00."

( Speaks spanish )

"Go into the kitchen."

( Speaks spanish )

"Bring me a bottle of wine."

( Speaking spanish )

"Bring me a bottle of red wine."

( Speaking spanish )

"Where is the
coffee I asked for?"

Jack, don't you know
how to say, "please"?

Oh, yes, on the
tip of my tongue.

Por... Por... Pour
your own coffee!

- Hi, jack.
- Hi.

- What ya up to?
- I'm studying spanish.

I found out a friend of
mine got a job cooking

On a cruise ship just
'cause he spoke it.

No kidding? How's it goin'?

Mucho lousy.

- It can't be that tough.
- Oh, gosh.

Donde esta el museo.

I will not!

Not what?

You just asked me to
take off my clothes.

"Where is the museum?"

I won't take my clothes
off there, either.

- ( Phone rings )
- you turkey. Oh!

Hello? Oh, hi, mr. Furley.

You wanna see jack right away?

( Whispers ) no, no, no.

He'll be right down.

- Oh, hi, veronica.
- Hi.

Did you have fun at the beach?

Uh-huh. Uncle ralph,
thanks for letting me

Stay here while my
parents are traveling.

Oh, it's nothing.

I just hope my brother bart
doesn't tire himself out too much.

Oh, don't worry about daddy.

He'll probably live
to be a hundred.

Oh, my god, 52 more years to go.

( Knocking at door )

- Hi...
- Jack, come in here.

Wha... Mr. Furley...

You gotta help me out. My brother,
bart, has planted a spy in the building.

- Mr. Furley, what are
you talking about?
- Shh.

It's my niece, veronica.

She's spending the weekend
here while bart's out of town.

- What's wrong with that?
- Bart's not out of town.

It's a trick... She's
here to snoop on me.

Oh, mr. Furley, you're
being a little paranoid.

Paranoid? Was I paranoid
when bart tapped my phone?

Was I paranoid when he
opened my mail before I got it?

Was I paranoid when he
had a detective follow me?

Wow, bart really
did all those things?

He did?

Thank god, I was afraid I
was just being paranoid.

Mr. Furley, calm down, relax.

How can i?

Jack, I've gotta find some young
man to take her mind off me...

You know, somebody who's
popular, good-looking,

Fun to be with.

You know anyone like that?

You know, someone
who drinks beer,

And watches
football, likes to bowl.

- Well, I like
to do those things.
- Jack, I don't mean you.

- Then what do you mean?
- I mean, a guy who likes women.

Oh, mr. Furley!

Sorry, jack, there was just
no delicate way of putting that.

Hi!

( Stammers )

Uncle ralph, don't keep
me waiting. Introduce us.

Uh, you're wasting
your time here, honey.

There are a lot of different
kinds of men in the world,

And jack isn't any of 'em.

Jack?

Uh, yes, well, I'd
better be going.

See you.

Wait a m... Why, this is so s...

I shoulda thought of this...
You know my brother's in town?

He's not doing anything tonight.
You two would hit it off great.

- Your brother?
- Yeah, m-my twin brother.

I didn't know you
had a twin brother.

Oh, sure, we're identical twins.

We look exactly alike.
We even dress alike.

The only way you can tell
us apart is, I have this mole.

Mole?

Yeah, right here. Would
you like a little peek?

No, I would not!

Jack, how come I never heard
anything about this twin?

That's 'cause he
lives so far away.

See, he's a cowboy from texas.

- What's his name?
- Austin.

Austin from texas.

Sounds very interesting.

I would love to
meet a real cowboy!

Would ya? Well, let me
go rustle him up for ya.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

( Phone rings )

Hello? Oh, cindy.

Jack's on his way
up there right now.

Looking forward to
meeting this austin.

Austin? Who's austin?

Mr. Furley, mr. Furley,
cindy hasn't met austin yet.

- He's out with janet.
- He is?

Yeah, I'll send him down as
soon as I see him. Okay? Bye-bye.

Do you still have that old
cowboy hat? Where is it?

- Yeah, it's in my closet.
- Oh, good, good, good.

- Hi, cin.
- Hi, janet.

Janet, where's austin?

About 150 miles from houston.

Janet, I thought
he was with you.

- Who?
- Austin.

Cindy, you're acting
a little bit strange.

Me? Jack's the one
who's acting strange.

What do you mean?

( Imitates texas accent ) yeah,
head 'em out an move 'em out!

Yee-ha! Howdy, ladies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. ( Chuckles )

Forget I asked.

If you two will excuse me, I
got a date with mr. Furley's niece.

♪ I got spurs that
jingle, jangle, jingle ♪

Yee-ha! Pa-ding!

( Knocking at door )

I'll get it.

Well, hello!

Well, boy howdy. Whoo!

My eyes must be buggin' out
like a stomped-on toad frog.

You're even prettier than my
little brother said you were. ( Laughs )

You must be mr. Furley, yeah.

So, you're jack's
identical twin, huh?

Yes, siree bob, we're closer
than two ticks on a dog's tail.

Flap-doodle! You're
not identical twins.

We're not?

Of course not. Any fool
can see you're a real man,

Just by lookin' at
that sturdy chin,

That rugged brow,
those cold, hard eyes.

You're a keen judge of
character, mr. Furley.

- Thank you.
- ( Jack chuckles )

I could tell just
by your wrist alone.

( Chuckles )

Well, you kids have fun. I
gotta go fix some plumbing.

Why don't we sit down and
get to know each other better?

Well, I'd be right
proud to, ma'am.

Oh, I got a hitch in my giddyap.

- You know, years ago, i...
- You're cute!

- Excuse me, I forgot my wrench.
- Mr. Furley!

I mean, land o' goshen,
what you doin' back so soon?

For a second there, you
sounded just like jack.

I did? Well, every now and then I
like to talk like my little brother.

He's so funny. "Oh, janet,
how could you? Have mercy.

Lordy, lordy, lordy."
He's such a little twerp.

- He is a little twerp.
- Is he?

See you.

Yeah. ( Exhales )

Where were we, jack?

( Laughs ) don't
you mean, austin?

No, I mean, jack.

You won't tell
your uncle, will you?

Oh, don't worry, jack.
It'll be our secret.

Lordy, lordy,
lordy, lordy, lor...

Hi, girls.

You're still mad about
last night, aren't ya?

You're darn right, jack
tripper, and why not?

If veronica told mr. Furley,
we'd all get thrown outta here.

- ( Knock at door )
- after last night, you won't
have to worry about veronica.

- Mr. Furley.
- Jack.

My niece told me
everything that happened.

Everything?

I'll start packing.

I don't know how to thank you.

Boy, that brother of yours
showed her the time of her life.

And before she left, she said

She was gonna tell bart
what a great manager I am.

Oh, good. What did I tell ya?

By the way, where
is your brother?

( Stammers ) uh, my brother?

Well, he's taking a
nap in the bedroom.

Well, wake him up.
We're gonna have a party.

- No, mr. Furley...
- No buts.

I'm not leaving this
apartment until the three of us

Get together arm in
arm and drink a toast.

The three of us?

Yes, sir... You, me, and austin.

Austin, rise and shine!

No, mr. Furley, I don't
think that's a great idea.

Mr. Furley, we can't have a party
because we don't have any refreshments.

No problem, I've got
everything we need all set up.

Now, you go get
austin, and I'll be back

In two shakes of a lamb's tail.

( Stammers ) uh, hang on,
uh... Ohh! Nice goin', jack.

You've convinced furley
that you've got a twin brother.

Now all you have to
do is come up with him.

Yeah, before
mr. Furley kicks us out!

Wait a minute.
Just relax, girls.

I've got an idea. Hang on.

Oh, no, not another idea.

Yeah, what's he gonna
do now, play triplets?!

( Laughing )

Austin just got an emergency
phone call from texas.

He has to fly
home tonight, yeah.

You honestly think that
furley is going to buy that?

He bought austin, didn't he?

Excuse me, little fillies,
I've gotta be moseyin' down...

Jack, wait, wait...

- Mr. Furley!
- Austin, what're you doin'
with that suitcase?

Oh, uh, well,
mr. Furley, I'm sorrier

Than a one-eyed
gopher in a cactus patch,

But I just got an emergency
business phone call from texas,

And I gotta take the
next flight back there.

So long, miss janet.

Never catch your
brother doin' that.

What do you mean,
somethin' like this?

Austin!

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot miss
cindy. Come here, honey...

Dang.

Well, bye.

All: bye.

You can't go anywhere tonight.

I got to... I gotta catch
the next flight home.

- In this fog?
- Fog?

Yeah, it's thicker'n
pea soup out there.

Airport's closed
down, and everything.

Well, just be glad we're all cozy
in here where it's nice and warm.

Let's get this party started.

Mr. Furley, you don't have to go to
all this trouble just on my account.

No, come on now. Here we go.

- Say, where's jack?
- Jack?

- He's downstairs.
- He's upstairs.

What?

- He's upstairs.
- He's downstairs.

- Which is it?
- It's both.

See, he went upstairs to borrow
the keys to that guy larry's car,

And then he went
downstairs to warm it up, see?

- Well, shouldn't
somebody go get him?
- ( Phone ringing )

No, no.

Yeah? Oh, yeah, just a second.

- Cindy, is that for me?
- No, it's for jack.

Well, well, well.

She can't tell the difference
between you and jack.

( Both laughing )

Yeah, isn't that dumb?

Yeah, dumb.

I'm sorry, jack's
not here right now.

Yeah, you're just gonna have
to give the job to somebody else.

Job? Wait, wait, wait.

Uh, hello? Just
hold on a minute.

Mr. Furley, I'd hate
to see jack lose a job.

Would you mind runnin' down there
and gettin' him, if you can find him?

- Oh, sure.
- I'd appreciate that. Much obliged.

Thank you, mr. Furley.
Hang on one second.

( Normal voice ) hello? Hi.
Yeah. This is jack tripper.

Oh, yes, I can start
tomorrow. Sure, yeah.

I have a lot of
experience in restaurants.

I think you'll find my
cooking is unsurpassed.

It's no use. I
can't see a thing.

Uh-huh... I mean, better
than average, at least, okay?

Oh, that's great. I'm
looking forward to it, sir.

Fine, see you tomorrow.
Bye-bye. Oh, that is so g...

Jack, how on earth did you
get up here without me seeing?

Oh, mr. Furley, you didn't see
jack pass you on the stairs?

- No.
- Boy, the fog must be
thicker than you thought.

Thick... Thick fog.

Well, let's get
on with the party.

Wait a minute. Now
where's austin?

Oh, he went to the
little wrangler's room.

Austin, are you
in there? Austin?

You lookin' for me? Yeah.

There you are, you son
of a g*n. How about a drink?

Oh, okay, ladies, sit
down here on the sofa.

Why don't you sit on
down there? Atta girl.

You know, it's good to see
the two of you boys together.

Well, it's great bein'
together, partner.

It certainly is.

Well, how about a
slug of bourbon?

Austin?

Fine, fine.

Oh, janet?

No thanks, mr. Furley.

Cindy and I'll just have
some of this wine here.

It's real nice of you
to bring it along.

- Here you go, austin.
- Thank you.

And one for r.f.

And... Jack?

- Right here.
- Slug of bourbon?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Oh, come on, you little twerp.

( Chortling )

- Well?
- Okay, I'll try.

- Okay.
- Thanks.

All right, now, let's
all get comfortable.

- Jack?
- Yes, sir?

- I want you
and your brother, austin...
- Right here, yeah.

To sit right here
on either side of me.

Uh, wait a minute. We
haven't had a toast yet.

- To friendship.
- Yeah, to friendship.

- To friendship.
- To friendship.

To friendship, tink.

( Choking )

Mr. Furley. Mr. Furley?

Here, mr. Furley, drink this.

( Raspily ) smooth.

Well, that was a great party.

- Thanks a lot, mr. Furley.
- Yeah, thanks.

What do you mean? The
party's just gettin' started, ja...

- ♪ Oh, mr. Furley... ♪
- Janet, what're you doing?

I'm dancing. Can't have a
party without dancing.

Isn't there usually music?

Yeah, right.

( Romantic music playing )

- That's better.
- Yeah.

You wanna let me lead?

Feel free to cut
in any time, austin.

Whoa!

You are such a terrific dancer.

Yeah, that's what
my mother says.

Whoa.

- Great party, huh, jack?
- I'm having so much fun.

( Laughs ) oh, my, my.

Well, that's enough for me.
You wanna step in here, austin?

- Oh, dip me!
- What?

Dip me.

All right.

( Imitates austin ) say,
jack, you mind if I cut in?

( Normal voice ) no, not
at all, austin. Go ahead.

( Imitates austin ) thank
you, yeah, yeah.

- Howdy.
- Howdy.

Yee-ha!

( Laughing ) what a dip.

Yeah...

Cindy, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I don't know how long janet
can dance with mr. Furley.

Be patient, jack.
You'll get your turn.

No... We've gotta
get rid of him.

We can't stall furley all night.

We wouldn't have to if you'd
only studied your spanish,

Instead of fooling around
with mr. Furley's niece.

- Cindy, that's it.
- It is?

I love you! Listen,
listen, listen.

( Romantic music playing )

- Ow!
- Did you say something?

Oh, yeah, I did, I said, "wow,
what a terrific dancer."

Yeah, I am kinda
light on my feet.

Not on mine.

Um, mr. Furley, excuse me,

But austin would like to
speak to you in the kitchen.

Oh, of course. Excuse me.

( Grunts )

Thank you for the dance.

( Laughs ) you enjoyin'
yourself, mr. Furley?

- Just fine, austin.
- Well, that's all
I wanted to know.

You just go on out and
enjoy yourself some more.

- ( Music turned off )
- what happened to the party?

- Where's jack?
- He's studying.

What?

He told me to apologize to you,

Mr. Furley, but he's gotta
brush up on his spanish.

Why on earth would he
start studying spanish...

Mr. Furley, cindy, could you
keep the party down out here?

We are trying to study in here.
Okay? Thanks a lot, we appreciate it.

Okay, jack, let's try
that one more time.

Jack: "bring me a
bottle of wine."

( Jack speaking spanish
over tape recorder )

Well, it looks like this party
is hitti" the end of the trail.

Yeah, let's have one more for
the road and call it a night, huh?

That's a great idea.

Jack: "where is the
coffee I asked for?"

Cindy: jack, don't you
know how to say, "please"?

Cindy, how did you throw
your voice like that?

I bet you can't do that again.

Jack: "por, por..."

Cindy: pour your own coffee.

Ha! I saw your
lips move that time.

Hey, jack, you've gotta
come out here and see this.

Jack? Well, now, I know he's
studying, but this is rude.

I'm gonna have to go in
and talk to him about this.

Oh, no, don't, mr. Furley!

Mr. Furley, now look, it's my
little brother we're talkin' about.

If any hombre is
gonna go in there

To straighten him out,
it's gonna have to be me.

This guy really ticks
me off sometimes.

( Knocks ) twerp!

- Janet: go away!
- Now, is that nice?

Hey, what's the matter with
you, you little pipsqueak?

( Jack, normal voice ) austin,
not now. Leave me alone.

Get out of here! I said no.

Why, you... You can't do that!

Janet: no, jack, don't!

Mr. Furley, mr. Furley,
can you... ( Groans )

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh!

( Slurring ) what's
going on in there?

He hit me! My own
brother hit me!

Well, I'm gonna have
to talk to him about this.

No, mr. Furley, don't do that.
He's crazy when he's been drinking.

( Slurring words ) well, somebody's
gonna talk to some sense into him.

Mr. Furley, mr. Furley, be
careful, he's got a branding iron!

I'll see you tomorrow.

Wait a minute.

I've never let a branding
iron stop me before.

- No, mr. Furley...
- Outta my way.

( Door slams )

Ohh!

Mr. Furley...

( Slurring ) it's
all right, jack.

He apologized.

Great party.

Well, I really pulled
it off, didn't i, girls?

You were just lucky.

Yeah, jack, you coulda gotten
us in big trouble with furley.

No, he's harmless. Furley
couldn't hurt anyone.

Oh, no? Did you ever
try dancing with him?

Hey, cindy, what do you say we go
to the regal beagle to celebrate?

Why go over there? Why can't
we just have some fun right here?

Well, that's good
thinking, cindy.

Now if we can figure a way to
get janet to go to the movies...

Jack, if I have to warn
you one more time...

She must have eyes in
the back of her head.

- It's just so inconsiderate!
- Inconsiderate?

Jack, if I go in that
bathroom one more time...

Oh, that again. I swear to you,
janet, I did not leave the seat up.

- Really?
- Well, I'm not the only one
who lives here, you know.

Who do you think it was?

It was austin!

( Theme music playing )

John ritter: three's company was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

( Theme music playing )