02x10 - Call Me Katzilla

[bunniefuu]

You make it look so easy.

Let me try again. Let me try again.

Remember, keep your eye
on the top of the arc.

Top of the arc. Oh. Gee.

(GLASS BREAKS)

Okay, let's forget the beanbags for now

and just work on the hand movements.

Yeah, that's it.

Ooh, I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

(METALLIC CLATTERING)

I think I should just put these down.

Oh. What happened in here?

Oh, Oscar's teaching me how to juggle.

Well, you don't need a new party trick.

You can already put
more grapes in your mouth

than anyone I know.

Yeah, but not all parties have grapes,

and I'm not as good with baby carrots.

Yeah, I can't help you with that one,

but I am about to make your day.

You know how every Thursday,

you make me watch the
evening news with you at : ?

I like us to stay informed
about our community.

And you have a thing for Dale Dixon.

You mean that anchor guy who
used to smile all the time,

even during national
disasters? Interesting.

I don't have a thing for him.

Although, when I was eight,

I did start a Dale Dixon fan club.

I've still got the
bylaws in my bra drawer.

Didn't he retire? Or die?

Nope, he still does a segment called

"The Local Spotlight with
Dale" that Kat never misses.

And sometimes he covers breaking news

when a strong, steady hand is required.

Anyway, I submitted the café
to be featured, and guess what.

Don't you dare tease me, Randi.

I'm not! We got picked!

What?! So Dale Dixon...

the Dale Dixon... he's gonna be here,

in my café, talking to my face?

- And yours, if there's time?
- This is so awesome.

My girlfriend's gonna be on the news,

and not for stealing a car.

I had a bad-girl phase.

I can't believe this is happening.

Randi, you are the best!

Well, I need you to keep that
in mind while I tell you this.

I found an apartment, and
I'm moving out in two weeks.

Oh!

Wow! Wow.

Knew it was coming.

Still feeling it a
little bit in my chest.

You know that super cute, lavender
four-plex on Fifth and Grand?

Ooh, that's a great building.

Delivery in the back, short staircase.

And they just renovated it.

All new fixtures, appliances, skylights,

which I'm going to get
because I scored the top floor.

Nobody's gonna be stomping on my head

because I'm gonna be stomping on theirs!

Wow. Who else is gonna do Tuesday night

Property Brothers and popcorn with me?

I'll do it. I love popcorn
and home renovation.

Yeah, but I can't debate which
Prop Bro is hotter with you.

- BOTH: It's Jonathan.
- It's obviously Drew!

Okay, so my competition is Dale Dixon

and the Property Brothers.

Anyone else I should know about?

Um, mm, McGruff the Crime Dog,

but I haven't seen him in a few years,

so I don't know if the
feelings are still there.

Wait. You Kat, who owns a cat café,

had a crush on a fictitious dog?

I was young and dumb, and he
had a really cool trench coat.

Uh-huh. I got a trench coat.

Do you?

(BARKS)

- (CLICKS TONGUE)
- (BARKS)

I'm-a start packing right now.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

The segment producer
will be here any minute

for the preinterview.

That explains the cleaning frenzy.

I just want everything
to be perfect for Dale.

I-I mean, Mr. Dixon. I want him
to tell me to call him "Dale."

I just want to be in his presence.

I bet he smells like
a new saddle and hope.

Ooh, wait. You're into this guy, too?

Did you not see last
year's Thanksgiving parade?

No one rides a giant
turkey like that man.

- You know, I met him once.
- What?

Well, we were both in line for a drink

at a charity event, and he winked at me.

That's it?

It was the ' s.

A wink was more powerful back then.

Do you think there'll be a makeup person

or should I come camera-ready?

(SCOFFS) What am I saying?

I'm always camera-ready. (LAUGHS)

Maybe you could help
Katharine in that department.

Introduce her to a matte foundation.

Mother!

I'm kidding, sweetheart.

And some bronzer.

Dale Dixon in this café?

- I just... I can't believe it.
- I can't, either.

I mean, this place is
cute, but is it newsworthy?

It's not like you're saving
the world or anything.

No, but I'm saving cats
and making people happy.

Exactly. Why am I tuning in?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm here for the preinterview.
I'm looking for Kat Silver.

She's right here.

But picture this with
a matte foundation.

Mother, why don't you go upstairs

and find things you hate in my closet.

It's not as much fun with
permission, but I'll do it.

Sorry about that. Hi. I'm Kat.

- Olivia.
- Uh, would you like some coffee, a pastry?

Maybe you'd like to hold a cat.

Pounce De Leon is
currently our best snuggler.

No, thanks. I'm just
here to check the lighting

- and make sure you're not nuts.
- And?

So far, the lighting is good,
and I'm gonna call you "quirky."

Well, don't tell that to Dale.

We want him to form his
own opinions. (CHUCKLES)

We'll be here to set up about
an hour before the interview.

It is live, so no surprises,
no swearing, no hugging Dale.

- What if he hugs me?
- He won't.

- He might.
- He won't.

We'll see.

(SNEEZES) Whew! Excuse me.

- Are you sick?
- No.

Because Dale doesn't do sick people.

I'm fine. I'm never sick.

Perfect attendance all through school.

All right, I did miss
one day in seventh grade,

but not because I was sick.

I just hadn't gotten the
hang of my period yet.

Don't tell Dale.

There's central air, laundry in the unit

and a working garbage
disposal. Strong, too.

The kind that'd turn your
hand into a bloody meat stump

if you're not careful.

How did you end up
landing such a great place?

Oh, I have been on it. I've
been checking the websites,

checking the apps, and
when this place popped up,

I was the first one there.

Well, the second, but
I convinced that guy

to go back home to his wife.

So I got the apartment and an
invite to an anniversary party.

- (LAUGHS)
- You hear that?

Hey, she been working
for it, and it paid off.

Now she won't be sleeping
on her friend's couch.

I've been working for it.

Flipping through apartment
listings on the can

does not count.

(LAUGHS)

You know I'm too regular
to finish a crossword.

I wish I didn't.

But I am kind of inspired.

Maybe I should put more work into it.

Hey, you can't put less.

Well, I have to warn
you, it's rough out there.

If you start looking now,
you might find a place

by, like, next year.

You hear how she said,
"Start now"? (CHUCKLES)

Start now.

All right, you guys, I
got to get back to work.

Kat asked us to deep-clean
the litter box room

before the interview, and
Phil should be done by now.

It's really nice of you
to nominate the café.

CARTER: It's so nice.

You know what else would've been nice?

If you would've nominated
your boyfriend's business.

Oh, well, that wouldn't be possible

because I don't have a boyfriend.

Not the point of that statement.

I'm her man. She just don't know it yet.

I don't want to brag, but I
already got three apartments

lined up to go see. Any tips?

Uh, never trust the photos,
always look in the closets...

ooh, and if there's a weird smell,

it's never gonna go away,
even with a deep clean.

So it's like online dating. Got it.

Hey, uh, is it hot in here?

Did either of you touch the thermostat?

Ooh, no way. I do not want another
team meeting on a Saturday night.

Honey, you don't look so good.

- Hurtful.
- You feeling okay?

- I feel fine.
- Oh, no, no, no. You have a fever.

Uh-oh.

Why don't you go take a nap.

You might be getting sick.

Oh, no, I am not sick. I can't be sick.

Dale Dixon comes in two days.

(LOUD, HONKING NOSE-BLOWING)

You know, maybe I will take a nap,

'cause I have the chills,
I'm feeling a little dizzy.

But that doesn't mean I'm sick.

I felt the same way when Beth
d*ed in Little Women.

Have you two ever dealt
with a sick Kat before?

- No.
- She never gets sick.

Back in college, she got the flu,

and when I brought her soup,
she threw a matzo ball at me

and said my ears are
too small for my face.

That doesn't sound like Kat.

Oh, she's not Kat when she's sick.

She's a frightening
monster known as "Katzilla."

Stop staring at my ears. They're
perfect. I had them measured.

♪ Putting my bed away ♪

♪ Having some fun ♪

♪ Starting my day today, now I... ♪

Oh, my God. I'm turning into Kat.

Kat, how you doing in there?

You okay? I'm gonna head downstairs.

KAT (NASALLY): No, wait.
I'm gonna come with you.

Wait. Ooh. Uh, no. No, no, no.

You need to get your rest. You
have your interview tomorrow.

- You can't tell me what to do.
- Oh, fine. Sorry. Don't rest.

I need to rest. I'm sick.
What kind of friend are you?!

Okay, I'm gonna let you
fight this out with yourself.

Let me know if you need anything.

- I don't need anything!
- All right.

Randi, I need things!

Randi, I need things.

Randi?

All right. Yummy.

Here you go.

It's not hot enough.

There's steam coming off of it.

Is that chicken? I didn't want chicken.

But you asked for chicken noodle soup.

It's too soupy.

So let me get this straight.

You want some non-chickeny,
non-soupy, chicken noodle soup?

Yes. Is that so hard?

Hey, you.

I brought you a little cuddle
buddy to help you feel better.

I don't like cats anymore.

This particular cat or all cats?

Get that creature out of here!

Okay, okay.

We're not gonna tell
the others about this.

Go tell 'em! Tell 'em all!

KAT: Okay, Kat, you got hours.

Get better! Get better!

Do it for Dale!

(SIGHS, PANTS)

Ooh. Yeah, your mom was right.

You're gonna need a little bronzer.

Oh, you're back. How'd it go?

Just saw the greatest apartment.

Oh, awesome! Hey, when you moving?

Can I help you pack?

You didn't let me finish.

It's a two-bedroom,
and I can't afford it.

All right. Hey, we can fix that.

Uh, anybody want to live with him?!

Am I really that bad?

(SIGHS) You know I love you, man,

but we work together, we live together,

and this morning, we almost
took a shower together.

I really didn't know you were in there.

The water was running,
and I was singing.

I thought you were the radio.

Oh, thanks, man.

(KNOCKING)

Morning, sweetie. How you feeling?

What are you doing here?

I heard my queen was
feeling under the weather,

so brought you some flowers.

Bet these were happy

before you brought 'em
here to die. Thanks.

- (CHUCKLES) I heard about this.
- Heard about what?

Just that you can be a little
prickly when you're sick.

Who'd you hear that from?
Randi? Max? My mother?

- I'm not telling.
- Then you're on my list, too.

What are you doing?

I'm getting out of bed.
I got my interview today.

- You didn't cancel?
- Cancel on Dale Dixon?

That's the stupidest thing
I ever heard in my life!

- Kat, you have to. You're sick.
- No, no, no.

I'm feeling much better. Watch.

You want to see how many
jumping jacks I can do?

Et cetera, et cetera.

I'm gonna sit down.

What can I do? Can I get
you some tea, some juice?

Stay away from me!

I'm gonna grab some holy
water just to be safe.

So tell me a little about yourself.

Well, I've been told that
I'm a pretty good roommate.

I'm tidy. I-I like to
cook. I play the guitar.

- Oh, hey, me, too.
- Oh, nice.

Does my bedroom have a solid lock?

Oh. Uh, I-I don't know.

Well, no worries.

Do you think there's room
for an industrial freezer?

My daughter thinks I'm
too old to live alone,

and this is cheaper
than assisted living.

You may have to help me out of the tub.

This is Bert. That's Ernie.

I've got more, but they
don't like strangers

so I didn't bring 'em.

How many more?

How many would be too many?

Hello.

I came to check on
Katharine. How's it going?

I offered her a cough drop,
and she took a swing at me.

Classic. When she got the chicken pox,

her father and I almost
put her up for adoption.

I just don't know why my
ears are making her so angry.

Oh, I see why.

More importantly, why is there
a news van parked outside?

Surely she isn't doing the
interview if she's sick.

She wouldn't cancel,

but I talked to Randi and
Phil, and they're gonna do it.

She's gonna be so bummed, but
she can barely lift her head.

Clearly this calls for a mother's touch.

Oh, she's in her room.

Yes, and I'm going to do the interview.

What did you think I meant?

Sheila, are you sure that you don't want

Randi or me to talk about the café?

You know, 'cause we work here.

I-I think I'm the one with the gravitas

to really get the points across.

It's just that Kat laid
out all the important areas

that she wanted to hit.

I know what to say.

I've had opinions about this place

since the day Katharine opened it.

Yeah, I think that's our concern.

All right, people, we roll in five.

Can we get you on the couch?

Bring me up to speed. Where
are we and why do I care?

It's a cat café, and why
you care is in the notes.

Hello, all.

Couldn't be more thrilled to be here.

Well, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm Phil Crumpler.

Is there any way that you could

record a birthday greeting for my mama?

I'd have to charge you $ .

I brought the cash just for that reason.

Hi. I'm Randi,

and you can charge him
way more if you wanted to.

Hi. Sheila Silver, Katharine's mother.

It is very nice to meet you.

Oh, we've met before.

We shared a steamy glance in .

Well, I don't remember,

but I'm gonna say we
haven't changed a bit.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I hope you're the one
I'll be interviewing today.

Oh, I am.

And I promise to be memorable this time

if you promise not to forget.

- Oh, this is gonna be fun.
- (LAUGHS)

Will you excuse me while I
prepare my mouth to say words?

Of course.

Potato, tomato, potato, tomato.

He is such a professional!

Sheila, if you're really gonna do this,

are you sure you don't want to
look at Kat's talking points?

Why? You drink coffee, you pet a cat.

It's not a tour of the Louvre.

Oh, Lord.

You let me oversleep!

Is Dale here? I got to get ready.

Oh, no, you don't. Your
mom's doing the interview.

My mother? No! That can't happen.

- It'll be fine.
- No, it won't!

She thinks what I'm doing here is cute.

- Get out of my way. Get out of...
- No. No.

Oh, there.

(GRUNTING)

Just... No.

(GRUNTING)

That wasn't fair.

(SNORING)

So if you're in the area,
swing by Kat's Cat Café,

where the coffee comes
hot, and the cats come cute.

(STRAINED SIGH)

And we're out.

- You were wonderful.
- Thank you.

Maybe we could grab a drink sometime.

I'd like that.

- How about now?
- Dale, we got to go.

There's a big fire
over on Fifth and Grand.

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait. Did you
just say "Fifth and Grand"?

Apparently, it started in
a newly-renovated four-plex.

- Is it lavender?
- Not anymore.

(CRYING): Oh, no!

Oh, so sorry, sweetie. Oh.

Dale, let's go.

- Rain check?
- Or more correctly, fire check.

You are a p*stol! (LAUGHS)

Still got it.

♪ Putting my bed away,
it's such a chore ♪

♪ What if I'm here to
stay forevermore? ♪

Hey, uh, Kat still sleeping?

Yeah, going on hours now.

Wow. Should we be worried?

No, we should be glad.

Maybe we'll get lucky and
she'll sleep for another .

Ooh, don't make any sudden movements.

Don't look her in the eye.

Good morning.

Be careful. It might be a trick.

Hey, girl. How you feeling?

Better. I think my fever broke.

Last few days are kind of a haze.

I hope I wasn't too much of a pain.

You were no trouble at all.

Aces.

So, how bad was the interview?

Did my mother even mention the café,

or did she just talk about herself?

I think you should watch it.

It was that bad?

Let me show you.

Sheila, what makes
this place so special?

Well, aside from the cats

and the warm atmosphere,

I'd say my daughter Katharine

is the most special
thing about the café.

How so?

She's the heart of the place.

You can really feel
how much she cares about

the people she serves
and the cats she saves.

So, animal rescue is important to her?

It's a true passion.

And I'm proud of her for pursuing it.

She's making a real difference.

And she couldn't do it without
these two wonderful people.

Oh. Well, do either of
you have anything to add?

I just love you, Dale.

I'd like to say that Kat loves
this community, and I'm sure

she would want me to mention
the piano bar next door.

It's called The Middle C, and it's owned

by my boyfriend Carter Cook.

- (BLOWS NOSE)
- You still stuffy?

No, that was happy blowing.

My mother said something nice about me.

I'm kind of glad I didn't
get to meet Dale Dixon.

I would have missed this.

He's way shorter than we thought.

And by the way, Randi, "boyfriend"?

I thought it was time.

Anything else happen while I was sick?

Is Elon Musk the mayor of Mars?

Well, my new apartment
building b*rned down.

What?

Yeah, thank God no one moved in yet.

But I'm gonna need to stay
on your couch a little longer.

Well, this is not a bad thing.

We still have episodes

of the Property Brothers to watch.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (SNEEZES)

Oh, no. Are you getting sick?

Get out before you give it back to her!

- No, I don't think I'm...
- Get out.

- I really don't think...
- Get out!

Oh.

So, pizza tonight?

RANDI: ... my boyfriend Carter Cook.

... my boyfriend Carter Cook.
... my boyfriend Carter Cook.

- Will you stop with that?
- He's been doing it all day.

I made it my ringtone.

Maybe I should make you saying
nice things about me my ringtone.

Oh, don't make me regret it.

How come you never say
things like that to my face?

Darling, if you compliment
your children too much,

they stop trying.

When have I ever stopped trying?

Exactly.

Well, is she this needy with you?

I'm just here to drink.

Max, how's the roommate search going?

Not great. I didn't realize

how many people make
p*rn in their own homes.

I'm gonna have to give up the apartment.

Ouch. I know what that
feels like. I'm sorry.

You know, I think you need to
give lizard lady another chance.

I called her. It's a hundred lizards.

She has lizards.

You know, you have a two-bedroom
apartment you can't afford.

And you've been living

on my daughter's couch like a vagabond.

Should we?

I would love to have a closet.

One of the bedrooms has two.

You mean, my bedroom has two?

All right, roomie.

- All right!
- Wait, wait, wait.

I don't know about this.

My-my superhot official girlfriend

living with my superhot best friend?

See? We've been together five minutes,

and you already trippin'.

(LAUGHS)

Wow. Two of my favorite people
are gonna be living together.

Well, two of my favorite
people that I know.

Otherwise, I'd have to include
Oprah and McGruff the Crime Dog.

When I was sick, I watched
some of his YouTube videos.

McGruff's still got it.

- ♪ Life of the party ♪
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ Dance on the ceiling ♪

♪ Let's get it started ♪

♪ Sunrise to the evening ♪

♪ Enter the room, they stare at us ♪

♪ Always turning heads ♪

♪ Don't take it too serious ♪

♪ Play with me instead ♪

♪ Every day feel like a Friday ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I'm ready for a good time ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I love getting my way ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I'm living my best life,
best life, best life ♪

♪ This world is mine ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ This world is mine ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ This world is mine ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Mine, this world is... ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪