04x12 - Magic Unmasked

[bunniefuu]

Alex, get ready!
Justin and Zeke are coming.

Ever since Zeke found out about
magic he's been so annoying.

Aww. Now, that's love.

You think he just became annoying.

Zeke, I just told you.
Sometimes we use our wands,

But sometimes we just
wave our hands around.

Why is that so hard to understand?

Gosh, I love how
wizardry plays by its own rules!

OK, is there, like, a special gland
in your body that secretes magic?

And sometimes it gets all clogged
up, and you have to pop it,

And magic goes everywhere?

Eww. All right, I'm upstairs
if anyone needs me.

Ooh, I wonder if "upstairs"
is code for somewhere wizard-y.

It isn't.

Oh, I wonder if "it isn't"
is code for something wizard-y.

It is.

I knew it!

Zeke, you have to try
to be more like Harper.

When she found out about wizards.

OK? She didn't have
a hard time with it at all.

That's true, but to be fair,
my circus-like childhood.

Makes the most bizarre things seem normal.

I'm sorry, Justin. It's just
that I have so many questions.

For example, can you cook a hot
dog by sticking it on a wand?

Zeke! Can you use magic to turn
me into an alien dog named Kevin?

Zeke! Can you use
magic to fix the hair.

That sticks up on the back of my head?

Oh, wait, we're good today.
Zeke, enough!

I'll make you a deal.
If you stop bothering me.

With all of these ridiculous questions,

Then I will grant you one magic wish.

Really?
Yes.

OK, then I want to go
back in time into last week,

When I bought this shirt,
to get a green one instead.

Sounds good.
Whoo! Yes!

Oh, can you use magic to make me
blow bubbles out of my...?

♪ Everything... ♪

♪ is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

♪ Seems ♪

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

OK, Mom. Talia and I are
gonna go to the movies.

Oh, really?
What are you guys gonna see?

A love story called
Heart of Flowers.

It's about two people who appear on
the surface to be totally mismatched,

only to find out in the end
they're perfect for one another.

It really speaks to us.

Listen, honey, I'm so sorry,
but Max can't go.

He's got chores to do.

But, Mom, I could just...

Shh, it's a chick flick.
I'm trying to get you out of it.

I know, and it promises
to be very romantic,

Which is perfect,
because I love romantic things.

Really?

Sweetie, what is going on?

You and Talia have nothing in common.

Mom, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Come on, Talia.
We have to stop,

and get tissues for when we cry at the end.

The big ones, 'cause I'm feeling
very fragile these days.

You have raised
a wonderful son, Mrs. Russo.

Yeah. And when you see him,
can you send him home?

Dad, Dad! Look who
just walked in here!

That's Muy Macho. That's, like, my
favorite lucha wrestler of all time.

Hey, you're right!
He's one of your biggest heroes.

Get him to sign some of
these cups, and we'll sell 'em.

Oh, I shouldn't!

Hi, excuse me.
You're Muy Macho, aren't you?

I'm, like, one of your biggest fans ever.
Oh, well, thank you!

But you know, nobody really
calls me Muy Macho anymore.

What do they call you now?
El Destroyer-O?

Or, Muy Bone-Crusher-O?

Obviously, I don't speak Spanish.

No, you don't. No.

They call me Bob.
That's my name. Bob Macho.

I now own a successful shoe store.

Maybe you've heard about it:

"Bob Macho's
successful shoe store."

What? No, no, no.

You can't be a boring shoe salesman.

You're one of the meanest,
toughest luchadores of all time.

I mean, I remember when you made
chimi the changa eat his own beard.

That was the old me.

I've given all that up to be a more
peaceful, constructive citizen.

Why would you do that?

Well, because of what
happened to me ten years ago.

Right in the middle of a match,
I slipped on a churro.

And I fell into the front row of the
crowd, where a little girl unmasked me.

It was the only fight I ever lost,

And the most disgraceful
moment of my career.

Eh, so I retired.

Could you excuse me for one second?

I can't believe this.
Me neither.

I mean, what kind of careless parent.

Lets his little girl
go to a wrestling match?

Dad, that careless parent was you,

And that little girl was me.

Don't you remember?

Yeah!

Get him! Ooh, ooh!
My churro!

Ay, no!

Wow. And, to think,
all these years,

I've remembered that day as the time.

When I let a perfectly
good churro get away.

Look, Mr. Macho,
I'm so sorry.

That that little girl robbed you
of your true calling.

Oh, you don't have to apologize.

I love my job.

Every time I fit someone's feet,
I make ten new friends.

Yeah, ok, look.

I know that you don't know me,
that we just met,

And I know you say you're happy, but
I think I know what's best for you.

So, how would you like
another sh*t at wrestling?

Well, I...
Alex, what are you doing?

Dad, Muy Macho lost everything
because of me.

I have to make it up to him.

So... Mr. Macho,
what do you say?

Do you want to taste victory again?

Well... Well, I...
I guess it could be fun.

Although who would get into the ring
with an old washed-up wrestler like me?

No, no, my dad will do it.
He will?

Yes. Because he knows how much
it means to his only daughter.

No!

I'll buy you a churro.
Ok, I'll do it.

Great! Then it's settled.
The mighty Muy Macho.

Will return to the ring, so that
he can erase the awful shame.

That has been haunting him
for the past ten years.

What? I'm not ashamed...
No...

Need to thank me.

It's just the kind of
special person that I am.

Mmm. I hope I can find
my lucha mask.

My dog's been wearing it as pants.
Ah.

Great news, Mom.

Dad is gonna get in the ring
with a famous luchador.

What? Jerry!

I go to the kitchen for five minutes.

And you arrange a fight
with a professional wrestler?

You lose your breath while
cheering for wrestling.

You can be the beautiful ring girl.

Really? You'll be fine, Jerry.

Harper, there you are.

Zeke, what are you doing here?
You already graduated.

I got a job as a crossing guard
so I could be close to you.

In case I freaked out and needed to talk.

Let me guess, you're freaking out.

Yes!

It's this magic wish
that Justin's giving me.

I don't know what to wish for!

Like, what if I wish to live forever,

But then fall into
a dried-up well.

And no one knows where to find me?

I can't live in a dried-up well
forever, Harper!

I just can't!

Maybe you should wish for
a less active imagination.

Attention please.

There's just been
a traffic accident outside.

Unacceptable!

Apparently the crossing guard
left his post.

Honey, now you should be freaking out.

You know, maybe Zeke's right.

Having a wish would be a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

How come you never gave me one of those?

Because you hate it when I do magic.

Yeah, but that's because
I never had the opportunity.

To use it selfishly.
Selfish?

Aww, I'm such a good role model for you.

All right.
You can have one wish.

Oh, my gosh, really? Oh, I wish I had
more time to think of a good wish.

No! That's not my wish!

I really need to think
about this. Wish me luck.

No, no, no!
That's not it either!

Oh! Oh! No, no, no.

You look really nice today, Max.

I'm so glad I told you to wear that suit.

I agree.

You know, Talia, I don't know
what my mom was talking about.

When she said we didn't
have anything in common.

I know. We have tons
of things in common.

Our love of opera music.
Yes.

Brussel sprouts.
Yum!

Architectural walking tours.

Yay.

You like whatever I like.
It's why we work.

How do we feel about video games?

Oh, we frown upon them.

I was afraid we would say that.

I'm looking for the man
they call Jerry Russo!

Hey, look, everybody, it's Bob!

What a great costume!

Stick a roll in it, sandwich maker!

The name is Muy Macho!

Alex, you were right.

Apparently, I'm not happy being the
owner of a very successful shoe store.

I am, and always have been,
a perfectly chiseled.

Fighting machine with no
conscience whatsoever!

Muy Macho is back!
That's right!

In the ring, reducing grown men.

To sniveling shells of their former selves!

OK, just so you know,
that means he's really angry.

He just tore a phone book in half!

I am not fighting him!
I could get hurt.

Dad, Dad, if you don't
fight him, he can't win.

How am I gonna make up
for what I did to him?

But...

I will fight Muy Macho!

Zeke, what in the world
are you talking about?

I'm talking about fulfilling
a lifelong dream of mine:

To fight a Mexican wrestler.

I also had one to become
a professional magician,

But we all know how that turned out.

I will see you in the ring, kid.

Where I will make you hurt
worse than a bunion.

That has resulted
from ill-fitting shoes!

You sure you know what you're doing, buddy?

Yes, yes, he's sure.
He said it, right? Thank you, Zeke.

OK? The match
will go on as planned.

Dad, don't worry, it'll be all good.

'cause see, Muy Macho will b*at
Zeke, my conscience will be clear,

And I can get rid of this
haunting flashback.

No, stop it!

I've decided on my wish.

I want you to make me a great luchador.

That nice man with the heavy accent.

Will regret ever coming out of retirement!

Why are you talking like that?

This is my wrestler voice!

I thought it was obvious.

Oh, jeez!

I don't know about this, Zeke.

Fighting Muy Macho could be dangerous.

Not with magic.
I can't lose.

Plus, I already got my cool
wrestling name all picked out:

Lava sus manos!

That means
"wash your hands."

Oh, that makes sense.

I read it on a sign in the men's bathroom.

All right. If that is your wish,
then you got it.

Whoo! Thank you, my friend!

Hey, guys!

Are you coming to the lucha match tonight?

I don't know if you've heard,
but there's gonna be like.

A really beautiful ring girl there.

Oh, no way, I love lucha wrestling!

I know.
No, you don't, Max.

It's barbaric.

You're right, I never
thought of it that way.

It's barbaric.

As you can tell,
Mrs. Russo,

Max and I are into cute things,

Like making a snowman out of cotton balls.

And dressing up kittens
to look like famous people.

Uh-huh.
Really?

That doesn't sound like you, Max.

Is it true?

No. No, it's not true.

You know what?

Talia, I can't do this anymore.

I don't like chick flicks
and I don't like opera music.

And I only like dressing up
kittens in little dog costumes.

What are you saying?

I'm saying my mom was right.

We have nothing
in common... Whatsoever.

We should probably break up.

In fact, you should probably leave before
you catch a glimpse of the real me,

Because it's super gross.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

And welcome to tonight's main event!

Making his triumphant return to the ring,

We have the legendary luchador, Muy Macho!

Alex, it is not in my character.

To offer you a heartfelt thanks.

For giving me this second chance.

So, I will simply say...
I will not destroy you!

Aww. That's what makes
this all worthwhile.

And in this corner,
wearing a chicken costume.

That doesn't match his name,

We have the challenger, lava sus manos!

Are you ready for some lucha wrestling?

All right, Zeke, this is your one wish.

Let's... Make the best of it.

Lucha Ba boom!

Well? How do you feel?

I feel like lava sus manos is
about to get his hands dirty!

That's great.

Justin, what's going on
with Zeke? Why is he winning?

I put a spell on him to make him
a wrestler. That was his wish.

What?!

Smell your own foot, shoe salesman!

Why did you convince me to do this, Alex?

This is even more humiliating.

Than being unmasked by a little girl!

Don't worry, Muy Macho!

I'm not gonna let you lose again!

Lucha Ba boom.
But stronger!

Oh...

Justin?
What's going on?!

I guess you should have asked
to be an unbeatable luchador.

Magic is very specific like that.

Just...
Just get out of there!

I can't!
I need another wish!

All I can give you is advice.

Don't fight! Go limp!
Go limp! It works for me!

Hey, this is great, huh?

Talia?

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize
for the way I was treating you.

And try to experience something
you actually like for once.

I'm having a lot of fun.

This is just like that
chick flick, heart of flowers.

I'm the sloppy maid and
you're the stuffy rich guy.

In the end, we learn to appreciate
each other's differences.

And live the rest of our lives
together in an old beach house.

I'll always be your stuffy rich guy, Max.

Aww.

Oh, help!

Come on, Muy Macho!
Take him down!

Oh, my gosh, Alex! I've finally
figured out my one wish!

World peace!
Pretty good, huh?

Yeah, yeah, Harper.
That's great, OK? Here you go.

Mommy!

Oh, my gosh, Zeke's in trouble.

Alex, you have to help him.

I can't help him.
Muy Macho has to win.

Why does Muy Macho have to win?

It's a long story. Maybe this
flashback will help you understand.

Ay, no!

You can show people your flashbacks?

Yeah, I find it's quicker that way.

Wasn't I cute back then?

All right, I see your problem.

But that doesn't change the fact that
Zeke is getting destroyed up there.

Ow! Going limp
makes it worse!

If you're not gonna help,
I want to change my wish.

Forget world peace.
I want to b*at Muy Macho senseless.

For hurting my man.

Harper, really? I mean...
Really, do you want to do that?

World peace kinda sounds awesome.

That is my wish!
Do it now!

OK.

Sorry, Muy Macho.

Lucha Ba boom, Muy Macho's doomed.

I'm coming, Zeke!
Hurry!

One, two, three!

We have a winner!

And what's your wrestling name?

Whatever the Spanish word is
for "crazy, red-headed chick!"

I can't be certain, Jerry,

But I think all these people
are cheering for me.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, Muy Macho.

I can't believe this happened again.
I know. I'm terrible.

That scrawny kid and that girl b*at me.

I obviously have no business
being a wrestler.

No, I think you should try again.
I think you can take that girl.

No, Alex, I realized
that I am perfectly happy.

Being a successful shoe salesman.

So you're saying I
actually helped you? No!

This was the worst experience of my life!

I'll never forgive you,
Alex Russo. Never!

Well...
You did what you could.

You had the best intentions.
Just forget about it.

This was the worst experience of my life!

I'll never forgive you,
Alex Russo. Never!

Great. A new flashback.

Ay, no!