04x13 - Meet the Werewolves

[bunniefuu]

The Autumn Moon Feast
is a great werewolf holiday.

We do this great ritual called
"Find the Squeaky Bone."

Whoever finds it gets to squeak it.

I've squeaked it five years in a row.

In your face, Uncle Walter.

Well, let's go so I can
finally meet your parents.

My parents?

Uh... You know,
the Autumn Moon Feast

is a stupid holiday.

I'm not even going this year.

No, no, no, no, no.
The only stupid holidays

are the ones where you
still have to go to school.

Like Valentine's Day,
or St. Patrick's Day,

or my birthday.

Come on, I really want
to meet your parents.

Oh, look. Magazines.

When did they put those there?

I have a feeling that you
don't want me to meet them.

Of course I want you to meet them.

It's just that the family feast

is no place to get to know my parents.

It's messy and it's loud
and my cousins have fleas.

OK, well then, bring your
parents to the Sub Station.

I mean, we still have fleas,
but at least it's quieter.

Oh, I have a feeling you're not
gonna take "no" for an answer.

If more people got that about me,

life would be so much easier for them.

♪ Everything... ♪

♪ is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

♪ Seems ♪

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

OK, that's it, Jerry.
We've cleared out

all the leftovers.
Great. OK, Max.

Come and get my "End of the
Week" breakfast scramble.

Dad, I didn't even like
the food the first time around.

Why do we have to have it again?

Is that a spare rib?
Ah!

I already called it.

Shouldn't a breakfast scramble
at least have an egg in it?

Fine, I'll put an egg in it.

Technically, it's not a leftover,

but the ones we have are pretty old.

Put my stomach in a good mood,
make this taste like kid food.

OK, Max, go get your brother.

We have to eat this while it's hot.

Otherwise, it'll get cold

and your Dad will put whipped cream on it

and make us eat it for dessert.

Mmm.

This is delicious.
Grab me a plate.

Mmm! It is delicious.
Forget the plate.

Get me a Jerry-sized spoon.

Where's breakfast?
I hear there's an egg in it.

Egg.

I got the egg, I got the egg!

Hey, that's my egg!
No fair, I saw it first.

My egg!

Max!
Don't touch me.

What is going on?
Why are Mom and Dad

acting like a bunch
of four-year-olds?

Justin, I have no idea.

I mean, it couldn't have had
anything to do with

the kid food spell
I put in their breakfast.

Cooties! Cooties!

Oh, come on.
Kissy, kiss, kiss, kiss.

You think it had nothing
to do with the spell?

Nah.
Really?

Well, now that you asked me twice,

I'm getting my suspicions.

Just one little kiss.

Well, looks like I'm gonna
have to fix this mess.

Just like always.

No, you don't.
I'm the one who's

gonna be the family wizard, not you.

OK, family wizard, fine.
Good luck with it.

Ew, ew, ew!

I'm gonna kiss you!
One little kiss.

Max did it.

What? Dude, I swear
it wasn't me.

I was talking to you the whole time.
You saw me, right?

OK, there she is.

Now remember, you're my parents,
Grant and Linda.

You're both British, you were a ballerina,

and you were a fighter pilot
in the Royal Navy.

Yay, you're here!

Alex, allow me to introduce
my mother and father.

Hi, it's very nice to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Greybeck.

I can see where Mason gets his...

last name.

Oh, my, Mason.

Is this the lovely lass of whom

you've been speaking about?
Top o' the mornin' to ya.

"Top o' the mornin'"?

I didn't know that was a British saying.

Uh, correct. It's Irish.

When I was a kid, we lived in Dublin.

Right, you have all the
back-story. Time to go.

No, no, no, wait!
Wait, no.

Please tell me about when Mason was a kid.

Have a seat.
Oh, uh...

Well...
when he was a lad,

he was, uh... small...

and, uh... young. Oh!

It really hit me how young he was.

Isn't that right, Grant?

Yeah.

He was way younger than us.
Always has been.

Why do you sound American all of a sudden?

I was a fighter pilot in the Royal Navy.

And I was a ballerina.

Well, then, I'm glad everyone met.

Let's go, Mommy and Daddy.

Oh, hey, Bill and Molly.

Why are you calling
Mason's parents Bill and Molly?

Well, this should be good.
They're not his parents.

They work at the craft store
down the street.

You know, that one you call,
"Harper, hurry up!"

What's going on here, Mason?

I didn't want you to meet my real parents,

so I paid Bill and Molly
to pretend to be my parents.

Uh, not yet, you didn't.

You guys were terrible.
I'm not paying you.

Yeah, you were pretty bad.
Let's go.

Like he believed you were a ballerina.

Hey, that wasn't my idea.

I can't believe you'd lie like that.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's just that my parents
are always very judgmental

of my girlfriends. They've
never liked any of them.

OK, well, that's no excuse
for faking your parents.

It's not my fault you
dated a bunch of losers

until you met me.

Alex, I panicked.
I'm sorry.

Well, sorry isn't good enough.

You are taking me to the Autumn Moon Feast

so your parents can see I'm
the best girlfriend ever.

This is you.

You look like throw up.

Justin, good news.
I found a spell I think is gonna work.

It's the first thing in the book.

The "Table Contents."

"Table of Contents" is not a spell.

Will you just admit you need my help?

I can fix this with just
one wave of the wand.

Please, I got this all under control.

Ah!

Yummy cookies bring lots of cheers,

gobble 'em up and add some years.

Who wants cookies?

Cookies!
Cookie, cookie!

Mmm!

What are you guys staring at?
Do I have a zit?

Ew.

I'm gonna change my status
to say "not with her."

Oh, don't break up with me.
I love you so much!

I love you too, babe.
We're back together.

Teenagers.
Yep, you're getting closer.

Out of all the caves in the world,

your parents choose the one in a sewer?

It's under Manhattan.
It's worth a fortune.

Well, this is my parents' cave.

Those are my parents over there.

Oh.
Hello, Son.

Ah! And you must be Alex.

Ah.

So nice to... meet you.
Ah!

She smells clean.
Yes.

Thank you.
It's not a compliment.

Clearly, she's a bather.
Oh. Well, don't worry.

We'll find you something to roll around in.

And you...

smell... dreadful.

I did fall in the sewer
on the way down, so...

Nice touch.
Hi, I'm Harper.

Very nice to meet you, Harper.

That is quite a creative ensemble.

I believe I recognize a fellow crafter

when I see one, eh?

Well, look at that, you totally hit it off.

We should get going.
This has been a lovely feast.

And there's the moon.
All done.

Nonsense, Mason.

This is the Autumn Moon Feast.

I have been crafting all week
for this celebration.

Would you like a tour?
Definitely.

Good, let's go.

Your mother is so awesome.

See, Mason?
We can't leave.

This is your parents' chance
to really get to know me.

Absolutely.
So, Alex,

why don't you and your friend
wolf up like Mason here

so we can get this party started, eh, what?

"Wolf up"?

You told them I'm a werewolf?

Hmm. Yeah, see, I might
have mentioned that.

Oh, look, they're serving
chipmunks and dip.

Mason, why would you tell
your parents I'm a werewolf?

You just keep lying.
I know. I'm sorry.

The truth is my parents only
want me to date werewolf girls.

OK, but you're not dating a werewolf girl.

You're dating a
smooth-skinned wizard.

Wouldn't it be easier if you
just told them the truth?

Unless you're ashamed of me.

Of course, I'm not ashamed of you.

But they won't understand.

Please, just go with it.

Use a spell to turn yourself
into a werewolf.

So, you want me to pretend
to be someone I'm not,

instead of just telling them I'm a wizard.

See how easy that sounded?

OK. If this is how
you want it to be.

Thank you, darling.

Alex, OK. This place is
everything I hoped it would be.

Who knew that a simple,
red-headed girl

born backstage at a nightclub in Nebraska,

could have so much in common with a
family of polite British werewolves?

Mason told his parents I'm a werewolf.

He lied again?

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

If Mason wants a werewolf,

I'm gonna give him the best werewolf ever.

Give us hair and fur, and big ol' teeth,

for sure.

Oh, great.

The sideburns I never wanted.

Dad, that's my shirt.

Not anymore.

You teenagers are surprisingly cruel.

Justin, I need your help.
Wait. Need my help?

The next all-powerful
Russo family wizard

is admitting defeat?
I'm confused here.

That's exactly right.
See, you're not confused at all.

All right.
Fine, I'll help.

It's actually a very simple spell.

I just gotta find my wand...
It's somewhere around here.

It's fine, you can just use mine.

All right.

Mine's gone, too.

Mom?

Dad. What did you do
with our wands?

I don't know. What did
you do with our freedom?

Yeah. I can't wait to get
a job and move out of here.

OK.

And that was our traditional
Autumn Moon Feast song,

with a little extra chorus from Alex.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Alex, sweetheart.

No need to overdo it
with the werewolf stuff.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you want me to stop?

Because I can take my wand out right here,

and un-werewolf myself
in front of everybody.

No, no, werewolf on.

And now, it's time for our favorite ritual,

"Find the Squeaky Bone."

Whoever finds it, gets to squeak it.

Don't tell anyone, dear, all right,

but this year as an added bonus,

I marinated the squeaky bone
all day in reindeer guts.

It's ever so festive.

All right. Everyone ready?

Let's...
Find... that... bone!

I bet it's in here.

Nope, I was wrong.
Alex, take it easy.

Actually, I knew it wasn't in there.

Ooh! Maybe it's
in the feast.

Well, now you're not even looking.

Well, of course I am!

Just using my werewolf senses.

Oh! There it is!

Found it!

Alex, my love, what are you doing?

You're embarrassing me
in front of my family.

Oh, so you're embarrassed
if I am a werewolf,

and you're embarrassed if I'm not.

What would you like me
to be for you, Mason?

Mom, Dad.

You need to tell me
where you put our wands.

Turn that off.
Hey!

This generation of teenagers is mindless.

Max!

Where have you been?

We are in the middle
of a teenage wasteland!

Oh.

Hey, Jer, there's
a party tonight at Talia's.

You want to go?
Nah, she's lame.

Hey, that's my girlfriend.
Yeah. That's why she's lame.

Let's go anyway.

Listen to me.
No one is going anywhere.

You two are grounded.
You hear me?

Listen to me.

No one is going anywhere.
You two are grounded.

You hear me?

I'll tell you guys what, OK?

I'll make you a deal. Huh?
You give me the wands,

and uh... I'll let you
go to the party tonight.

Huh? Do we have a deal?

Fine.
Whatever.

Thank you.

In the back pocket.
In the couch.

We didn't look very good.
Unbelievable.

All right, quick, do the spell.

Eat-sa, Eat-sa, magic pizza.

Change 'em back from head to feetsa.

Hey, guys, why don't you come over here

and grab a slice of pizza before you go?

Oh.
Cool.

Sure, thanks.
Yeah, chow down.

Mmm.
Mmm.

What is this mess?!

I don't know.

But I'm pretty sure it has
something to do with

those two teenagers.
Boys, clean this up.

Ah. They grow up so fast.

Come on, go on then.
Come on, girl!

She won't bite.
Leave it! Leave it!

Leave it!
Alex, give the bone back.

There's a good girl.

Good girl.
Mason...

You never told us Alex was like this.

Like what?

Really inappropriate and awful?

I'm sorry, Mason, I did what you wanted,

and it looks like it didn't work out.

Alex. What are you
talking about?

You've been a wonderful addition
to the Autumn Moon Feast.

What?
Well, you embody everything

to which us werewolves should aspire.

Vigor, enthusiasm.

Werewolve-withall!

Darling. In fact,
we would like to present

this year's "Horn of Plenty Award"

to the Werewolf of the Feast, Alex Russo!

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Well done!

As a matter of fact, Harper,

why don't you do the honors?

No. I'm OK.
This is my masterpiece.

This entire thing is made
out of dried sheep intestines.

If you wanted to have a little nibble,

no one would blame you.
Try, go ahead.

All right. That is...
That is it!

You call this crafting, I call it sick.

You're all sick,
you people are sick! Sick!

Did you hear that, Grant?
Yeah.

She called my craft "sick."
Ah.

But you know, that's what
the young people say these days

when they mean "good."
Oh. Sick.

Yes! Here, dear.

Sick.
Yes!

Sick.
We're terribly sick.

Alex, you did it.

They love you.

I knew you could pull it off.

Also, you have some
badger meat left in your hair.

Mason, I want to go home.

No, stay.
It worked out so well.

Yeah, it worked out for you.

I was the perfect werewolf
for you and your family,

and now they have no idea who I really am.

Which seems to be how you want it,

so you were right, I shouldn't have come.

Alex, wait.

There's nothing left to say, Mason.

No, there is.

I want everybody to listen.

Alex Russo is not a werewolf.

I only said she's a werewolf

because I know that's
what you wanted to hear.

And I was wrong to do that.

Alex is a wizard.

And I love her with all my heart.

Yes, it's very shocking.
We get it.

Alex, please...

Show them who you really are.

And as you can see,
she's a wonderful wizard

that I can't live without.
I hope you can all accept us.

Mason...

Darling, do you mean to say
that you told your girlfriend

to pretend to be a werewolf because of us?

Yes, I did. You've always
been so judgmental

about me dating anyone
other than a werewolf.

That's because it's easier
to date a werewolf, Son.

Nobody understands werewolves
like other werewolves.

No.
You're wrong.

Alex understands me better than anybody.

Well, then, darling...

If you're happy, we're happy.

Really?

No. We're going to eat her.

What?

Well, she destroyed all the food
prepared for the feast.

She's kind of left us no choice, Son.

Really.
We're starving.

Go!

And then he said ♪The nuts are complimentary♪.

Alex, what's going on?

Oh, well, since your
real parents want to eat me,

I thought it'd be best if I
get to know your fake parents.

So, you were saying?

Boy, has he dated some real dogs.

I love your fake parents.