07x02 - Jack Goes to the Dentist

[bunniefuu]

[Man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[Both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
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♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Morning. Hi, Terri.

Oh, hey. How come you and
Phil were out so late last night?

I just couldn't say no.

What?

Janet, he wanted to go
window shopping for furniture.

For furniture? I thought you

were gonna break
it off with Phil.

Well, I am, but
how do you do that?

Ugh! You know
what's gonna happen?

You are gonna end
up married to Phil.

Oh, no way!

Oh, yeah, and you're
gonna have five children.

Five?

Well, you said you
can't say no to him.

You're gonna have 5 kids,

you're gonna raise 'em and put
them through school, then college,

and through it all, you'll be
calling me every day saying,

"Janet, how can I
break it off with Phil?"

Five, huh? Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna break up
with him on our next date.

[groans]

What is the matter?

I woke up with such a pain.

We don't want to hear about it.

Just get her outta here.

You're all heart.

I happen to have a toothache
and it's k*lling me. Ow!

You might see your dentist.

I don't have a dentist.

I'll call Phil. Phil?

That guy I've been seeing.

He's a wonderful
dentist. I'll call...

Wait, wait, wait!

What an amazing coincidence.

It's all better.

It's what? Yeah. Look, look.

See?

It doesn't hurt at all.

Try the other side.

The other side of
your mouth, Jack.

Oh.

See? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Well, it's tough toast.

Can I have some nice,
soft coffee instead?

I'll make some.

I think you're afraid
to go to the dentist.

I am not afraid to
go to the dentist.

I'm afraid of being
at the dentist.

When I hear the sound of that
drill, something happens to me.

You're being very silly.

Dentists today, they're
practically painless.

Oh, yeah. They are.

Here. They sit you down
in a really comfortable chair.

And then they lean you back...

You hear some nice, soft music.

[humming]

And then you
close your little eyes

and you open your little mouth,

and before you know it...

[coffee grinder
grinding] Aah! Aah!

Turn it off! Turn
it off! Jack! Jack!

That was just
the coffee grinder.

That was just
the coffee grinder.

I knew that. I'm a chef.

I am gonna call Phil and see
if he can fit you in this morning.

Wait, wait. Can we
talk about this first?

Jack, he's not
going to hurt you.

He specializes in children.

A children's dentist?

You want me to go
to a children's dentist?

What do you think I am, a child?

[coffee grinder
grinding] Aah! Ow!

Oh! Oh!

[bell rings]

Uh, Jackie Tripper?

[clears throat]

That's Jack E. Tripper.

Oh, yes. You're next.
Have a seat, Mr. Tripper.

Don't get up. [laughs]

Don't make 'em
like they used to.

Easy, big fella.

Howdy, partner.
[imitates a g*n f*ring]

[cries] No, no! Don't cry.

Don't cry. It wasn't
loaded. See?

Hey, what's his problem?

You took his pony.

Oh. Hey, cowboy, what
say we trade, okay?

Come on.

Whoa.

Whoa... whoa...
whoa. No problem.

Watch him, Tex. He's a mean one.

Is this seat taken? Now it is.

[exhales]

Hi.

Aaaahhh!

No wonder Johnny can't read.

He's afraid to open a book.

Now that didn't
hurt at all, did it?

Yes, it did!

Uh, Mr. Tripper?

Uh... he was here first.

We don't have time for this.

You're busy. I'll
come back tomorrow.

Excuse me.

Oh!

Mr. Tripper!

Did you see that?
That chair att*cked me.

Come on!

Dr. Greene.

Hi!

I'm sorry. I thought
you were a little boy.

I started out that way.

Well, please, please, sit down.

You're not gonna
hurt me, are you?

Only if you hurt me first.

You know, I usually
don't get grownups in here.

You're a welcome relief from
all those screaming little kids.

Yeah, well...

What makes the
little kids scream?

Funny.

Sit down.

Whoa!

All right. Now just sit back.

Come on. Relax...
Come on. Sit back.

Take a big, deep breath, huh?

[inhales and exhales]

Good. Now, what seems
to be your problem?

Well, doctor, I woke
up this morning, uh...

You know, actually, I think
it's just my imagination.

Maybe I better be running along.

Are we having lobster?

Now, let's have
a look, shall we?

Uh, you're gonna
have to open up.

Mr. Tripper, if you
don't open your mouth,

we're gonna have to
go in through your nose.

Let's see now... Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I haven't even touched you yet.

Just practicing.

Now, let's see
what we have here.

[moaning] Just relax.

So you're a friend of Terri's.

Yes, she's a lovely girl.

How long have you
known... Uhh... uhh... uhh!

Oh, really? That long?

Oh, dear. Would you
excuse me just one moment?

Come in here, lad.

Look in there.

That's what's going
to happen to you

if you don't brush your teeth.

What are you doing down there?

It's a little slippery.
Sit up! Sit up!

Now, come on. You're
not afraid, are you?

Me afraid? Ha!

All right, then. Open up.

Mind if I rinse first?

Oh, go right ahead.

Care for some? No, thank you.

Excuse me.

[gargles] Enough!

Now, come on. Come on.
Open wide. There we go.

Uh-huh.

It seems you have
a little pericoronitis.

What's that?

This is a pen.

Oh, my... A pen?

The gum around
your tooth is swollen.

I'm prescribing you
some antibiotics.

You mean that's all?

You can rinse out your mouth
with a little warm salt water.

That's no sweat. I can do that.

Good. Good. That should
bring the swelling down.

And then on Thursday, we can
start digging into that rotten tooth.

[gasps]

Oh! Jack!

You nearly scared
me half to death.

My poor heart.

Oh, Janet. I'm sorry.
Here, let me check it.

Jack!

No, no, no. Stop kiddin' around.

Well, in that case, I think
I'll just go to bed, Janet.

I am b*at. Okay.

Oh, don't forget about your
dentist appointment in the morning.

Oh, uh... the dentist, yeah.

I wanted to tell you... I'm
not gonna go tomorrow.

My tooth has stopped hurting.

Jack! Urgh!

Look, you have got an
infection. It could spread.

Speaking of spread, you
wanna go easy on those cookies.

Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I apologize. All right.

Are you going to the
dentist in the morning?

Yes, Mommy. You promise?

I give you my word. Good.

And my word is no. Ha ha ha!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

You better go see him.

I'm going! I'm going!

Ow! Ow!

Big baby.

[door slams]

Come on in, Phil.

[Janet] Terri? Is that you?

Um, would you excuse
me for just one little minute?

Sure. Thank you.

Mm-mmm.

Hi.

Don't say anything.
Let me guess.

That's Phil out there, isn't it?

Well, uh... yeah.

I thought tonight was the night
you were gonna break it off with him?

These things take time, Janet.

I just can't blurt it out.

Why not?

I don't blurt well.

Terri!

All right, all
right. I'll go do it.

Good. I'll get rid of him.

Phil, there's something
I want to tell you.

You kept saying that
all through dinner.

Yes. Well, what I
want to tell you...

You kept saying, "Phil, there's
something I wanna tell you."

I know. That's because
you kept interrupting.

I did? Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

Anyway, what I have to say is...

Wasn't that a delicious dinner?

Actually, it was a bit
too spicy for my taste.

Spicy?

That doesn't matter,
Phil. What matters...

Oh, but it does matter.

Don't forget to floss tonight.

Floss?

Have you ever thought
how those spices

destroy your teeth
while you sleep?

Not until now.

Phil, what I want
to tell you is...

Fire away, my beauty.

Phil. Yes?

Sometimes when two
people are seeing each other...

like us... Go on.

Sometimes one person
feels very strongly

about the other person,

but doesn't know how the other
person feels about the first person.

Yes. Yes.

Well, there comes a time, Phil,

when the first person
must tell the other person

exactly how she, or he, feels.

So what I'm trying
to say to you...

Shhhhh.

I know exactly what
you're trying to say,

and I feel the same way.

You do? Oh, Phil, I'm...

I'm... Kinda takes
your breath away, huh?

Would you excuse me
for just a little minute?

Sure. Where you going?

To catch my breath.

Well? What happened in there?

I couldn't hear anything.

He wants to give me a ring.

No! No telephone
calls. No nothing.

I mean a diamond ring.

I don't care what kind it is!

You go in there
and... Diamond ring?

What should I do?

How many carats?

Janet! I'm sorry.
I lost my head.

You've got to help me.

What do you mean
I've got to help you?

How?

You're better at
this sort of thing.

I mean, you've been around.

Around?

I mean around longer than me.

No, I haven't!

Maybe a day or two.

I mean you're better
at words than I am.

Terri!

You can let him down easier.

Okay.

Hi. I'm Phil.

Hi. Terri doesn't ever
want to see you again.

Good night.

Is that true?

Yes. When she says
good night, she means it.

You know what I'm
talking about. You and me.

Well... no... Well... um...

Actually, yes, I'm afraid so.

Just like that?

Not just like that. I've been
trying to tell you all night.

Who's the guy?

What guy? The guy
you're dumping me for.

Oh, Phil, please believe
me. There's no one else.

It's just that I...

[door closes]

No guy, huh?

He's no guy.

I mean he's a guy, Phil,
but he's just my roommate.

What?

You... You mean
Jack Tripper lives here?

Yes, with me and Janet.

No wonder he looks so tired.

He looks tired because he's
been working day and night.

I don't doubt it.

Well, that does it!

I want you out
of here right now,

and you can take your
dirty mind with you!

Yeah? I may have a dirty mind,

but at least I don't
have an overbite.

What?

You heard me, Bugs
Bunny. You got an overbite.

And I'm gonna tell
you another thing.

I'll tell you another thing.

The enamels on your
molars is wearing thin.

Anything else?

Yeah. You really blew it, Bugsy.

Because if you would
have stuck with me,

your teeth would have
lasted a thousand years.

Hi, Terri. Have a nice day?

No! [slam]

That's nice.

Mornin'! Hi, Ter.

Are you still reading that book?

Yep, and I'm not putting it down
'til I find out who the m*rder*r is.

Speaking of m*rder, we
almost had one here last night.

What?

After you left me alone
with Phil, coulda k*lled him.

Oh, what happened?

He accused me of
having a thing with Jack.

Oh, you and Jack?

That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.

I know. What's
so crazy about it?

I didn't mean that, you
know, you weren't like...

Then things really got nasty.

He said I looked
like Bugs Bunny.

Why, because of your overbite?

Oh, I'm sorry. I
never even notice it.

I mean, I didn't
even know that you...

Oh, my God, Terri, does
Jack know that this happened?

No. Why?

Because... If Phil thinks he's
losing you because of Jack,

Jack could be losing
his teeth right now.

What?

Jack went to the dentist!

Oh, Janet, now Phil
may be furious with Jack,

but he's not about
to pull his teeth out.

Are you sure? Of
course I'm sure.

Maybe one or two.

We better get down there, Terri.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay, let's go, on the double.

Just a little off
the top, please.

You want to leave the sideburns.

[choking] That's a little tight.

Jack.

Jack!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

How do you feel?

Great. I probably shouldn't
even be wasting your time...

Open your mouth. Aaahhh.

Hey, the swelling's gone down.

Good, then I'll just be...

Sitting here a little longer.

You know, I usually
use a little novocaine

to k*ll the pain.

Bless you.

But in your case, aah.

I don't think it'll
be necessary.

Huh?

Jack, you're probably
unaware of this,

but Terri and I have been
seeing quite a bit of each other.

Oh, yes, indeed.
[garbled speech]

It was really getting serious.

Uh-huh. In fact,
last night, Jack,

when I took her home,
I was about to ask her

to marry me.

Oh, sure. I had the ring,

and everything and [groaning]

you know what she said?

She told me to get lost!

Me! A driver of a Porsche,

with a thriving practice,

my own wine cellar...

I'm even incorporated,
and she dumped me.

I couldn't figure out why.

Can you?

And then I see him,

walking, walking
to the bathroom,

this clown in pajamas,
checkered pajamas.

[yelps] Doctor!

It'll be all right, Gladys.

I can handle Mr. Tripper myself.

[muffled] Gladys,
can I speak to you?

Gladys, don't leave! Gladys!

Of course, Terri said there was
nothing going on between them.

Do you believe that?

Neither do I.

Fortunately, I'm an easy-going

kind of guy...
until I start to think.

And last night, Jack,

I lay awake all night, thinking.

Thinking of what I could do

if I ever got Pajama
Boy in my dentist's chair.

But, hey... I am a professional.

However, we all have
our breaking points.

[buzzing]

Help! Help!

Oh, thank heavens!
Jack isn't here.

If you're looking
for Mr. Tripper,

he's in the dentist's office.

Boy, he's been in
there a long time!

What should we do?

We? Nuh-uh! You! You are
going to apologize to Phil.

Apologize? I can't! Yes!

What are you doing here?

[stomp] Uh...

I made a mistake and
I wanted to apologize.

I'm sorry. You're too late.

[Janet gasps]

He's got Jack's teeth.

No, I use it to teach
the kids how to brush,

and look, they're
fun to play with.

Hey, girls, what
are you doing here?

Jack, are you all right?

Of course I'm all
right. I'm not a child.

Hold it. Now, wait...

You don't mean... You
don't think that I could...?

Well, [clears throat]

just for a little minute.

How could you possibly?

I mean, I am a professional.

I took the Hippocratic oath.

No, that's for doctors.

Gee, I took something.

I believe you were saying

something about a big mistake.

Yes, Phil. I should
have spoken sooner.

I knew that we were
wrong for each other.

You really feel that way?

Well, I, uh... Yes! Very well.

You realize this means I
cannot be your dentist anymore.

Your X-rays'll be in the
mail first thing in the morning.

Not so fast!

What about my balloon?

I'm sorry. There
aren't any left.

What? No balloons? Hey!

Listen, I get a balloon, pal!

Jack. Let's go.

No, that's not fair.
I want a balloon!

[indistinct dialogue]

All right, Jack, would you
please stop thanking us?

We were happy to do it, Jack.

It was nice of you guys to
buy me these balloons. Thanks.

You're welcome.

[phone rings] [All] I'll get it.

[All argue over phone]

Let her get it.

Hello?

It's Phil!

Doesn't he ever give up?

Phil, I thought I
told you to... What?

Oh, well, that's, you
know, really nice of you.

All right, if you want to...

Give me that! I'll handle this.

No, Jack! Phil,
this is Jack Tripper.

Whatever you want, the answer is
no and don't you ever call here again!

That'll teach him
to ask you out.

He wasn't calling
me to ask me out.

What did he want?

He wanted to say he was sorry,

and wasn't going
to send Jack a bill.

Aahh!

♪♪ [theme]

Three's Company was videotaped

in front of a studio audience.