07x11 - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

[bunniefuu]

[Man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Hey, Janet. Hi, Jack.
Hey, Jack, listen.

When Terri gets here, Let's take
her someplace really special for lunch.

Okay, but why? Well, she
could use some cheering up.

Well, I tried that last night, Janet,
but you chased me out of the bedroom.

I am serious. She's had such a
run of bad luck with men lately.

What about that tall guy she
was going out with? Married.

Oh? Well, how
'bout Jerry? Married.

What about that guy Frank?
He's not married. He likes Jerry.

You know, there must be some nice,
single guy that Terri could go out with.

Somebody who's attractive
and charming, considerate...

Where we gonna find a
guy like that? A real nice guy?

Excuse me. Oh, yeah, Ray. Did
you find what you're looking for?

Not really. I've been talking to
my plants like you suggested.

I've been wondering; do you
have a plant that talks back?

What? I'm single, and it
gets a little lonely sometimes.

See ya. Bye. Aww.

[both] What a nice guy.

Ray, wait! Wait.
You can't leave yet.

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm running late.

Well, I'll have you fixed up in just
a moment. Uh, with a plant, that is.

Um, see, I don't actually
have any plants that talk,

but this one over here,
it listens like crazy.

Hi, Jack. Terri. Hi!
Listen, I'm starved.

Why don't you tell
Janet to hurry up?

But she's with a customer.

What do you mean,
that tall, handsome,

eligible bachelor?
He won't mind.

How did you know that?

Well, you can tell from here
how good-natured and single he is.

Jack. Are you
trying to fix me up?

With who?

Janet, I really have
to get going. I'm so...

Ahh! What?

Oh, I just got stung
by a bee. You did?

I need my sh*t... get...
Oh, god! k*ller bees!

He's allergic, Jack.

He's what? Thank god he
has his adrenaline with him.

Now. Roll up his
sleeves. What for?

So I can give him a sh*t.

You mean with a
needle? Oh, Jack.

Eww, eww. Terri. Ugh.

Oh no! Oh... is it over?

Yes. You can look
now, you big baby.

Just dab the blood. Eww.

There, now. He should be coming
around in just about a second.

Terri. Huh?

Isn't he cute? What?

Of course, he's not at his best
right now, but with his eyes open...

Janet!

My... sh*t... I...
No, that's okay.

I am a nurse, and I
gave you your sh*t.

[Jack] You all right?

Ray, I would like you to
meet my friend, Terri Alden.

She just saved your life.

I'm lucky you were here. I usually
give myself the sh*t, but it was so fast.

Well, you know what
I think you should do?

You should go to a hospital
and have a doctor look you over.

I don't think that will
be necessary. Yes it will.

And Terri will go with you. Huh?

She will? Well, in that case,
I think I really should go.

Way to go. Run along, you two.

What about lunch?

I'm sure Ray will take you to a
nice restaurant. Won't you, Ray?

But we had a date, you...

You guys have a date now.
Okay? Bye bye. Have fun.

Aren't they sweet? You know,
I think she really likes him.

You don't think she
was too pushy, do you?

Hi, Janet. Oh. Terri,
don't say another word.

Jack! She's home! Good,
good. Terri, Terri, Terri.

Okay. Now you can
talk. Tell us everything.

Well, first we got to
the hospital... Skip that.

Well, then the doctor
said... Keep going.

Well, afterwards, we had lunch.

Too far. Go back.

Well, you see, I wanted to
grab a quick bite at the hospital.

But you know, he insisted on
taking me to some out of the way spot,

so he could have me all to
himself. Oh, how romantic.

Are you gonna see
him again? Yeah.

Tonight. You know, he said he
didn't want to lose me to anybody else.

Oh, the jealous type, huh?
So, where's he taking you?

Well, he's not gonna take me
anywhere. I thought I'd have him come over

and fix him a little snack.
Wait... No, no, hang on, Terri.

You can't fix a little snack

for a big guy like
Ray. I'll tell ya what.

I'll cook dinner for you guys.

Oh, no, Jack. You don't
have to do that. Believe me.

Yes, he does! Yes, I does!

Look, Terri. I want you to go into
your room and put on something sexy.

You know, wear one of your dresses
that brings out my eyes. You know?

Shh... Jack! Kitchen!

[doorbell] Janet, doorbell!

Terri, changing.

Oh, hi, Mr. Furley. Hi, Janet.

I'm gonna get you tonight.

What?

I hereby challenge
you to a Scrabble game.

Okay, I'd love to. And don't
you try to weasel out of...

You would? Sure.

Oh, pretty cocky, eh?

Just because you're
always b*ating me? Yeah.

Well, I'm ready for
you tonight. Peruse this.

The Official Scrabble
Player's Dictionary?

You better believe it,
sister. And I've read all of it.

[doorbell]

Oh, you hear that? The
tintinnabulation of the doorbell.

It's going to be a long night.

Oh, hi, Ray. Come on in.
Terri will be out in just a second.

Oh, this is our landlord,
Mr. Furley. Mr. Furley, Ray Martin.

Well, Ray. Welcome. Oh, you
remember Jack from down at the shop?

I didn't expect to see you.

Oh. Well...

Excuse me. Haven't our
paths dissected before?

I don't think so. Really? I could
swear I've seen you before.

Oh, hi Ray. Well, hi Terri.

Well, I see that you've
all met. Yes, we have.

I brought this wine.

Oh, good. I'll just
put that in the...

I brought it for Terri. Oh, that's
all right, Ray. Jack can have it,

you see, 'cause Jack is gonna
fix us the most wonderful meal.

He is? Yes. Aren't I lucky to
have a roommate who can cook?

Roommate? Uh huh.

He lives here?

You don't have to worry
about Jack. Didn't they tell you?

He's... He's, he's going to be
really busy out in the kitchen.

So come on, Mr. Furley.
Let's get to that Scrabble game.

Are you sure we haven't met?

You know, I pride myself
on my memory, Jay.

It's Ray.

Well, I never forget a face.

Well, Ray. Would you like
to wash up before we eat?

Oh. Thank you.

Right through there. Thank you.

Look at this. Isn't he a
great, great, great guy?

Oh, Jack. Stop. No, look.

I know I'm being a bit of a
nuisance, but it's just that you've had

such bad luck with men lately, I
want to see you having some fun again.

Oh, Jack.

Jack, you are so sweet.

"Sagacious"?

Oh? Are you challenging me?

No. Of course not. It
means 'shrewd' or 'wise'.

How'd you know that?
'Cause I'm sagacious.

Huh? Ohh.

Oh, well. Anyway.
I just got 28 points

plus 50 big ones
for using all my tiles.

All right. See if
you can top that.

Okey dokey. Let's
see here... all right.

N. E. W. T.

Newt.

Double word score.
So I get... I challenge.

You cannot use a proper name.

Newt? Yeah. "Newt" Rockne.

No. Yes. He coached
Ronald Reagan at Notre Dame.

Don't you remember that one?

"Win one for the Flipper"?

Mr. Furley. A newt
is a salamander.

Oh. Well, I knew that.

So?

What did you think of Ray
Martin? He seems okay.

I know I've seen that
guy someplace before.

Yeah?

C, R, I, M, E. Crime.

That's it! That's what?

Crime! That's where I've
seen Ray Martin's picture.

In Detective Monthly!

I knew it'd come to me!

Oh, you mean Ray's a detective?

No! He's a m*rder*r!

What?

He's a m*rder*r.

He's a m-m*rder*r?

He's a mur...
mur... mur... mur...

Calm down, are you sure?

Sure. Sure. Sure. Mr. Furley!

Fur-fur-fur...
[shouting] Mr. Furley!

Mr. Furley. There's gotta
be some kind of mistake.

Ray Martin can't be
a m*rder*r. But he is!

Here. I'll prove it to ya!

I just read it in Detective
Monthly last week.

Here. See for yourself.

Somebody's been
tampering with my literature.

Oh, here it is! There. See? My
goodness. They've got his picture.

What'd I tell ya? And look what
it says. He k*lled his girlfriend.

"And when he thought she was
having an affair with another man,

"Ray Martin m*rder*d
her in a fit of jealous rage."

And I believe it, too! Did you see
the look on his face when he found out

Jack was living up
there? [gasping] Yeah!

Oh! Oh, Mr. Furley, I gotta
get up there and warn them!

Janet! What!

You gotta get up
there and warn 'em!

Now, this is my room...
and this is Jack's room.

Aren't they rather
close together?

Not close enough for Jack.

[laughs] [laugh]

Terri, could you give
me a hand in the kitchen?

Sure, Jack. Would you excuse me,
Ray? Please make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Where's Terri? Where's
Jack? In the kitchen.

Oh. Thank god. I thought
you were playing Scrabble.

I am! I am. Uh, I just came up
here to check a word with Jack.

What's the word? What word?
Oh, my word. That word, my word.

Ah... Ahem. My-my
word is "egregious".

Egregious. Flagrant, extreme,
conspicuous for bad quality or taste.

Yeah. Well. Since you're
not really sure, I'll go ask Jack.

You know... that's a good idea. I
think I should double-check it myself.

Never mind. Never mind.

Uh, I got a better idea.
I have a better word.

Don't show me out, because I
know right where that door is.

Be comfortable, enjoy yourself.

Nice seeing you again.

Dinner's almost ready, Ray.

Jack is just finishing
up the salad.

The salad? Uh huh.

You excuse me a moment? Sure.

Excuse me, Jack. Yeah?

I hope you haven't
seasoned the salad. No. Why?

Well, you see, I'm a
bit of a chef myself,

and I brought along my
own special seasoning.

I thought Terri might like
it. Would you mind using it?

Why not? Can't hurt.

Be right back.

Salad dressing looks
delicious. What is it?

Oh, it's Creamy
Garlic. Terri's favorite.

She's gonna die
when she tastes it.

Dinner is served. Now listen,

why don't you two
start on your salads,

and I'll go check
on the chicken.

Oh, that sounds
wonderful. Thank you, Jack.

Well, shall we eat?

You go ahead. I like to eat
my salad with the main course.

All right.

Terri! Wait! Wait! Whoa! Ha!

Wait till you hear...

Wait till you hear
this hysterical story

that Mr. Furley told me.
Mr. Furley's our landlord.

Well, you met him so
you already know that part.

Anyway, he tells
the funniest stories.

It'll just k*ll ya. It's one of the
funniest stories I've ever heard.

You'll just die. I did when I heard it. I
couldn't stop laughing, you know wh...

Aaah! Janet!

What a terrible accident.
You come with me,

Terri, I'll get that
right off of you.

You did that on
purpose! Yeah, I had to.

What? Shh.

What's wrong? Janet,
what's the matter with you?

What happened?
Oh, I fell off a ladder.

Janet, what ladder? I
was trying to save your life.

Terri, that guy
wants to k*ll you.

She's delirious. Janet. Janet!

When you fell off the
ladder, where did you land?

Stop that! I know
what I'm saying.

Ray Martin is a m*rder*r. I read it down
at Mr. Furley's in his detective magazine.

Oh, that's impossible.
No, it isn't, it isn't.

And then I just saw him
put poison in the salad.

Oh no, Janet. That wasn't poison.
That was a special seasoning.

How do you know? He told me.

Of course he did, dummy!
What do you think he's gonna do,

tell you he's putting
poison on a salad?

Why would he do that?
He's gonna eat it himself.

No, he isn't. He said
he wanted to wait.

See? He said he
wanted to wha-? Hey!

Hi. Everything okay?

Yes, Ray. Everything's just
fine. She's gonna have the spot

out of my dress in just
one little minute, ha!

Anything I can do?
No. Thank you so much.

Well, while you're waiting, why don't
you take a look at that Boston fern

in the living room, 'cause if
you like it, you can have it.

Thank you.

What are we gonna do?

"What are we gonna
do?" You figure it out.

You set Terri up
with a m*rder*r.

You were in the shop when...
[Terri shouting] A murdere...!

Looking for someone? Aaah!

Oh. Hi. Yeah, the kids.
Where are the kids?

I'm afraid Terri
had a little accident.

Accident?

Nyyaah!

[grunting]

Turn around!

How could you? Why her? Why...

Mr. Furley! What are you doing?

Leave me alone! Can't
you see this man's...

Terri?

Oops. Uh, sorry about that.

I always go a little crazy
when the Lakers lose.

The Lakers didn't play today.

Really? Well, see? You
got all upset for nothing.

You stall him. I'll go get
the police. Mr. Furley?

Let's you and I go down
and finish our Scrabble game.

Now? Come on!

Ho ho ho.

That guy's a real psycho.

Well, if anyone should
know... gotta be me.

I'll tell ya, some days I feel
like a regular Norman Bates.

You know... Neh! Neh! Neh!

Crazy. I'm moody, though.
I have my ups and downs...

Terri. Can I get you another
bowl of salad? [Jack] No!

I mean, uh, why don't
we try some wine?

What a wonderful idea,
Jack. Let's all try some wine.

Bring us closer together.

[cork pulling] I always feel that a
good bottle of wine speaks to you.

Well, this one's saying,
"Drink me, drink me."

Okay, Mr. Grape. Here goes.

What do you
think? It's very good.

Thank you. I made it myself.

Oh god! This is it!

I always hoped death would
come quickly, only not this soon.

Jack. What did it taste like?

It was mellow. Kind of fruity,
but the aftertaste had a...

No! Not the wine, the poison!

How would I know? I've never
tasted poison bef... poison.

[gagging noises] Aaah!

Jack? Don't panic.

It's too late! Ter... oh, oh no.

Everything's going dark!

How'd you do that?

Jack. Stick your
finger down your throat.

Gross. I'll throw up.

Would you rather
die? Which finger?

That one. I'm going
to call an ambulance.

Hold it. He's drinking the wine.
Of course he is, he's celebrating.

No. Don't you see? He
wouldn't drink it if he poisoned it.

That... that's right,
Terri. I'm gonna live! Oh!

Jack? Break.

You okay?

No. As a matter of
fact, Ray, he's not.

He has a very high fever, stomach
cramps, could be very contagious.

Now, if I were you, I would
wait outside. [Jack groaning]

Terri, why don't
you drop the act?

[sing-song] Act? What act?

Come on. Don't you think
this has happened before

when people find
out about my past?

[sing-song] Past? What past?

[high pitched] We didn't
know you had a past.

I suppose you didn't know
that I was convicted of m*rder.

Oh, that. Sure, but we never
gave it a second thought.

Boys will be boys.

Que sera, sera. You know.

You're afraid of me. Afraid?
Oh... don't be ridic... don't sh**t!

It's the story of my trial.
I carry it as a reminder.

What I did was a terrible thing.

But I paid the price. I
served my sentence.

"With time off for
good behavior."

But I suppose I'm gonna be
condemned for the rest of my life.

Oh, no, Ray. Hold it.

Wait, we're sorry. I guess
we did jump to conclusions.

We thought you
were gonna poison us.

See what I have to put up with?

[Janet] In here, officer! There he
is! Arrest that man! All right, let's go.

Come on. Wait! Wait! Wait!

[Janet] No! Not him! Come on!

[Terri] No! No!
There's nobody left!

Sir? There's been a
huge misunderstanding.

She just said... But that's
Janet. She gets carried away.

What? Officer, he put
poison on the salad.

No, he didn't. Nobody
tried to poison anybody.

Lady, you can get in a lot of
trouble making false accusations.

Watch it, eh?

I guess I better be going. See
ya, Ray. Don't be a stranger, okay?

Sorry. Oh. Ahem.

Terri? Yes?

I really appreciate the way you
stood up for me. It made me feel good.

Oh, um... Yes?

[no audible dialogue]

What'd he say? What did he say?

He said, "Don't eat the salad."

Because he saw a
worm in the salad!

Okay, Jack. Remember
what we agreed.

When Terri gets home,
no questions about dating,

or her social life or anything.

We've been driving her up
a wall. All right. Not a word.

Hey, guys. Guys.
Guess what happened.

Ter, hey, hey. We don't wanna
hear. It's your business, your life.

Shut up, Jack. You
meet somebody?

Uh huh. You did?

Is he nice? I think so.

Is he married? I don't think so.

Didn't you talk to him?

No, he just saw me
and followed me home.

You mean, he's
outside right now? Yeah.

Why don't you ask
him in? I couldn't, Janet.

Hey, for pete's sake. I'll ask
him in. You can't leave him out...

Hey, come on in!

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.