03x23 - Sabrina, the Sandman

[bunniefuu]

Sabrina, what are you doing home?
I thought your job at Pork on a Pole

- started this afternoon.
- It did. I quit.

Why? Were the
working conditions unsafe?

- No.
- Was your boss a total monster?

- No.
- You got caught with you hand

- in the till, didn't you?
- No.

Sabrina, no matter what happened, no
matter how horrible, we'll understand.

Within reason.
Where's your dignity?

The worst part is, I had to buy it.

Tonight, the curious case
of the teenage witch.

Yes, I am the first junior
to get our class ring.

Daddy bought it for me after I gave him
the silent treatment for a week.

Don't touch.

I think class rings are so ugly.

I've gotta have one.

Any luck on the job front?

Nothing that doesn't
involve polyester

- and public humiliation.
- Same here.

And let me be the first to tell you,
chicken suits don't breathe.

KRAFT: Oh, if you ladies
are strapped for cash,

I know a place
where you can make top dollar.

- Really? Where?
- My house.

I'm looking for some
enterprising person

to scrape the guano
off my bat house

and the entire cents an hour is,

under the table.

Know the scariest thing
about his offer?

- What?
- I'm thinking about taking it.

I don't know what I'll do
if Sabrina ever finds out.

Man, you're in a tough spot.

Sabrina, a girlfriend shouldn't
eavesdrop on her boyfriend.

- Let me do it.
- No, wait.

It's not eavesdropping.

They're talking so loudly it's impossible
not to overhear. Now, pipe down.

- Harvey.
- Sabrina.

We were just listening--
Looking for you.

So do you wanna go
job-hunting after school today?

No. I mean, I can't.

I already have plans. I have to...

...take care of my plans.

Are we done with
the third degree here?

Don't worry. I'm sure he's
not seeing someone else.

I wasn't even thinking that until now.

I'm starting to get a little worried

that Sabrina hasn't solved
the family secret yet.

I can't wait to see the look on her face
when she gets it.

- I wish we could just tell her.
- And ruin the surprise?

Sabrina, you're eavesdropping.

It's not eavesdropping.
It's controlled overhearing.

I was gonna say,
you can hear better

through the air vent
in the laundry room.

Do you think my aunts are gonna
get me my class ring as a surprise?

- No.
- No.

You know, it's very rude
to eavesdrop on people.

I know. I overheard
someone say that.

When you eavesdrop,
you never get the entire story.

Five hundred redcoats
will be landing tomorrow

at Boston Harbor.

Give the signal.
The British att*ck at dawn.

And at shillings apiece,

these babies should
fly off the shelves.

MAN:
The British are coming.

- No, they're not.
MAN: The British are coming.

No, they're not.

ZELDA: And that's how Hilda
came to start a little thing

we like to call
the American Revolution.

Yeah, well, it's not like things
have gone bad for Britain since then.

Hey, things turned out okay,

for the people who lived.

Look, if you really want enough
money to buy that class ring,

you should call the
Other Realm Employment Agency.

I remember this one job
they got me once.

Can't you guys ever tell a story
without the whole room going fuzzy?

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go call and make an appointment.

[SIREN WAILING]

Warning, warning. Danger, danger.

Don't tell me.
Will Robinson's in trouble?

I've been sent by the Witches' Council
to give you a warning.

If Sabrina doesn't
solve the family secret soon,

the consequences will be dire.

And, baby, I mean dire.

- For Sabrina?
- No, for you.

I love that mislead, heh-heh.

I called and made an appointment at
the Other Realm Employment Agency.

No. You are not leaving this house
until you solve the family secret.

- But--
- That's final, young lady.

And you know when I call you
young lady, I mean business.

Okay, from now on,
I'm gonna have to videotape

all my transactions with them.

[SIREN WAILING]

Warning, warning. Danger, Danger.

If you'd asked, we would've told you

- that those nuts were stale.
- Why are you here?

Sabrina's hard at work
on the family secret.

But only because you're forcing her to,
not because she wants to.

How do you know so much about us?
It's creepy.

Be that as it may,
you have to motivate her

without preventing her
from leading a normal life.

- You're breaking the rules.
- I never break rules.

I'm not even comfortable
making a right turn on red.

You're breaking rules for helping
your teen solve the family secret.

- They're all right there.
- Filmstrips?

We're hoping to get it on microfiche
by the end of the year.

And don't forget,
the consequences will be--

- Dire.
- But nothing compared

to the consequences
if you don't return these rewound.

Okay, first you tell me to get a job
to pay for the class ring.

Second, I've tried to solve
that family secret for months.

We think it's wonderful
that you're getting a job.

Aren't you late for an interview?
Sometimes the first impression

is the only impression.

Okay, now I've got to get a job,
solve the family secret

and find out if senility is hereditary.

Okay, honey, let's take
a look at your résumé.

I really hope you can help me.

Doll, I once got
Pauly Shore his own series.

I can help you.

I can't help you.

Please? I'm desperate.
Don't you have anything?

But you have
no experience, no skills

and Congress isn't
in session right now, so...

Oh, wait, I know,
you could be a sandman.

- I could be the sandman?
- No, a sandman.

Am I talking too fast for you, dear?

It's like a paper route.

You put the people in your
neighbourhood to sleep at night.

Any idiot can do it,
so you're qualified.

I'll take it. Wait.
Is there a uniform involved?

Let me guess: I have to buy it?

MAN [ON FILM]:
Nor is it permissible

to strike your teen with
lightning to motivate them.

Oh, finally. That's the last one.

So I was right.

Yes, you were right.

I knew there wasn't a rule against using
rabid Packer fans to motivate your teen.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

But I want a glass of water.

WOMAN: You've already had
glasses of water.

Go to sleep.

But I have to go to the...

[SAND JINGLING]

Aw, when you're not whining
you're actually kind of cute.

Okay, I've lost my mind.

Well, this kind of breaks up the day.

Hey, when I touch him,
I go into his dream.

Cool.

- Ew, don't put that in your mouth.
- But it's candy.

Hey, you're right.

It is candy.

It's not very good candy,
but it's your dream.

There. Give it a try.

DOOR [IN SQUEAKY VOICE]:
Solve the family secret.

Solve the family secret.

Perfect. Now let's work
on that fresco over her bed.

She was hard to get to sleep.
I had to use so much sand on her,

she could be used
as a bank ashtray.

[VALERIE MUMBLING]

Wonder what she's dreaming.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What was that?
"Come into my dream, Sabrina."

If you insist.

VALERIE:
A test?

I-- I haven't studied.

I haven't even opened the book.

My whole grade depends on this.

The rest of my life
depends on passing this class.

[SCREAMS]

Where are my clothes?

Twenty-three thousand
four hundred and fifty-one,

, ...

The Jolly Green Giant
is a cruel taskmaster.

Mr. Kraft is
a deeply tormented man. Cool.

It's such a gasser to be named
a member of the Rat Pack, baby.

Now that it's official,
how do we ditch Lawford?

Freak. Loser. Loser-freak.

Geek cluster.

I told you to stay home today.

This is just a normal day at school.

Oh, I get it.
Every day in high school

is a dream come true for Libby.

There's a spill.

Yep, that happened today.

Oh, ow. George, watch the splinters.

Hey. Get out of my dream.

Sabrina, I can't believe
you dream-dropped.

Can't believe there's a word for it.

Dreams reveal a person's innermost
thoughts, feelings and desires.

George Washington?

And your presence in them

could influence the course
of events in that person's life.

I'm sorry. I'll never drop
into one of your dreams again.

But I think I'm the one
who suffered the most.

Even though you're in
big, big trouble, young lady,

there's no reason you can't
have some hot cocoa.

This have anything to do
with the cheeseheads

passed out in the living room?

Valerie, listen. I know you tend
to worry a lot with school,

but you're really smart,
so I guess what

I'm trying to say is,
don't be such a worrywart.

As strange a greeting as that was,
I suddenly feel incredibly relieved.

Thanks, Sabrina.

And my aunts said nothing good would
come of dropping in on dreams.

- Mr. Kraft.
- Not now, Spellman.

There is a situation
in the teachers' lounge.

The school nurse
fell asleep smoking

and set fire to the couch again.

Oh, wait. I just wanted
to ask you, um,

what would you call
the colour of your tie? Pea green?

No, absolutely not.
It's-- It's kelly green.

Well, I guess I'll see you at lunch
today. I hear the soup is split pea.

I think I need some air.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Peas!

Okay, that's the last time
I ever use dream-dropping

for my personal amusement again.

Geek. Loser.

- Freak.
- Libby, congratulations.

You know, I hear you have
enough credits to graduate now.

No more high school. Woo hoo!

What? That can't be true.

I have to talk to Mr. Kraft.

Oh, I think he's in
the teachers' lounge.

Okay, there. Out of my system.

- Harvey?
- Oh, hey, Sabrina.

- Didn't see you.
- Is everything okay?

I mean, I called you yesterday--

Yeah, well, I had to do this thing,

at the place, with some people.
I'll call you later.

Okay, he's acting weird.

I wonder if the sandman
could find out why.

Whoa. What's this?

Smells like espresso.

[SAND JINGLING]

You won't tell me what's bothering you,
but maybe your subconscious will.

[SALEM SNEEZES]

Salem, what are you
doing in my bag?

And it better not be what I saw you
doing in the Flanagans' sandbox.

No, your aunts asked me
to tag along

to make sure you don't...

Uh, what was it again?

I'm supposed to stop you from--

Wait, it'll come to me. Nope.

Never tell me anything
when I'm watching V.I.P.

Since you're here, wanna
pop into Harvey's dream?

Sure. Maybe I'll think
of it while we're there.

This is his dream?

I was a teenage boy once,
and let me tell you,

he's wasting a dream.

Hey, that's our French book.

I get it. We have a huge
French test tomorrow,

and Harvey's probably
afraid he's gonna fail.

That's why he's been acting weird.
It has nothing to do with me.

And denial is a river in Egypt.

I just made that one up.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

I think that means he's happy
he has his book back,

or he lost his Slinky.

Maybe I should study.

See? Look how peacefully
he's sleeping now.

And I wouldn't let that
thumb-sucking thing bother you.

Hey, Sabrina. Guess what.
I think I aced my French test.

I knew that was bothering you.

I mean, congratulations.

Now that the stress
of that test's behind you,

- do you wanna go out after school--?
- Sabrina, no.

I can't go out with you after school.

You gotta stop asking me that.

I-- I don't think he's
seeing anyone else.

Me neither.

So who do you think it is?

So the reason Harvey's been
acting so weird toward me

has absolutely nothing
to do with his French test.

Dreams have to be interpreted.

They're symbolic. Like when I'm
dreaming of a thousand-pound tuna,

I'm really dreaming about salmon.

But I don't know
how to interpret dreams.

You don't, but my old buddy
Sigmund Freud does.

Salem, for once
you might be onto something.

Where am I?

I was just grabbing a quick bite
between patients, und--

Hello, Sigmund.

I know that voice.

Saberhagen?

How's my wife?

Oh, that's right.
We weren't really friends.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ZELDA: Sabrina?
- The cops. Get rid of him.

Why don't you hide in here
for a few minutes?

And, um, try not to
get mustard on anything.

Okay. Yes?

DOOR:
Solve the family secret.

- Solve the family secret.
- What are you two doing?

What do you think we're doing?

I'm just sitting here
trying to solve the family secret.

And I'm just batting at dust particles

because I think they're real.

Uh-huh.

Well, this should help.

I managed to track down
your cousin Stanislav.

He sent you another clue.

Oh, great. Well, I'd better get back
to solving this thing.

Thanks for the clue,
and we'll see you later.

- Solve the family secret.
- Okay. Bye-bye.

All right, let's get the shrink
and go to Harvey's.

Well, is she working on it?

Probably not.
She has Freud hiding in the closet.

Freud? That man will do
anything to see me again.

You know, he might have a brilliant
mind, but with me he's all hands.

See? Something's
obviously bothering him.

It couldn't be the crowd of people

standing around him every night.

He's clearly having
a very disturbing dream.

Though not as disturbing
as the one I am having.

Yeah, yeah. Tell it to Jung.

[TECHNO MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

I think you accidentally zapped us
into a Calvin Klein commercial.

- Hey, there's Harvey.
- Ah, but this is so easy to interpret.

That is Harvey's emotional baggage
which he is struggling with.

[BOY CRYING]

Ah, and that-- That is his inner child.

He is usually at the table next to me

in fine restaurants.

What's that?

That's a giant floating banana.

Clearly, Harvey's problem
is that he is overwhelmed

by all the pressure in his life.

Nothing that a lifetime
of therapy won't take care of.

I don't have a lifetime.

How come he got a cone
and I didn't?

See? It worked.

Sleeping like a baby.

Though I might be a little concerned
with that thumb-sucking.

What happened to Freud?

Uh...

Why do we still have
daylight savings? Your turn.

Fine. My category
is dream-dropping.

Oh, sorry. It wasn't in the form of
a question. You're disqualified. Night.

- Sabrina.
- Okay.

I know, I'm not supposed
to do it anymore,

but I was just trying to help Harvey out
and I'm sure I didn't hurt anyone.

You obviously know better, Sabrina.

So you'll just have to live
with the consequences.

Fine. Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's a school night.

[SAND JINGLES]

Wait a minute. What conse...?

Sounds just like you
before the surgery.

Hey, Valerie, how'd you do
on the math homework last night?

I spent two hours on it this morning.

I didn't do it.

Why not?

Don't know. Don't really care.

You should take your own advice
and stop being such a worrywart.

Wait, wait. I used the term "worrywart"
and you actually listened to me?

- What's going on?
- They're committing Mr. Kraft.

Drama club wanted to
put on The Princess and the Pea

and he totally lost it.

So many peas.
Who's gonna count them all?

There are too many.
There are too many peas.

These can't be the consequences
my aunts talked about.

This is a coincidence.
The man was a time b*mb.

- Hey, Sabrina.
- Harvey, you're talking to me?

Yeah, well, I've been
a little preoccupied lately.

But last night I had this dream,
and when I woke up this morning

everything was as clear as day.

Partially because it was day.

I knew you'd work it all out.

Sabrina,

we've been going out for a long time

and I feel like there's
something I need to say.

Oh, you know you
can tell me anything.

- I wanna break up with you.
- What?!

I knew you were gonna
make a scene.

I'm not making a scene.
This is not a scene.

What, haven't you ever seen
anyone make a scene before?

So now, for no reason, my boyfriend
wants to break up with me.

Okay, I admit it.
You were right. I was wrong.

You smart. Me dumb.

Now, please, please, please,
help me fix it.

I'm sorry, honey,
but there's nothing we can do.

You manipulated his subconscious.

We warned you this could happen.

Really? Because I don't
remember you warning me.

[SIREN WAILING]

Warning, warning. Danger, danger.

Now, maybe if you'd
worn something like that,

I would have paid attention.

Your time to solve
the family secret has expired.

What? Why didn't you tell me
to work on the family secret?

[ZELDA GROANS]

Okay, well,
just give me two seconds

and I'll-- I'll figure it out right now.

Okay, I just got
another clue yesterday.

Here it is.

It's a picture of...me?

In a very cheap frame.

Okay, let's see, um...

Every member of the Spellmans--

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes?

--are related to me.

Wrong.

Oh, who is this guy?

And now for the consequences.

I know, I know.
I don't get my witch's licence.

No, honey, it's worse than that.

You're now no longer a witch.

Wha--? I lost my boyfriend
and my magic all in one day?

- Don't forget your home.
- What?!

I said the consequences
were gonna be dire.

It's the suit, isn't it?
That's why no one takes me seriously.

Sabrina can stay here
as long as she likes.

We love her whether
she has magic or not.

You can't have a mortal
living under your roof.

But don't worry. It's not like we're
just gonna turn her out into the cold.

- A $ bill?
- Go easy.

It has to last you
the rest of your life.

Aunt Hilda. Aunt Zelda.

Ahh! Aunt Hilda? Aunt Zelda?

Wait a minute. I'm lost
and I really need to get home.

- Can you help me?
- Oh, sure.

- Do you have any money?
- Yeah. I have $ .

- Not anymore.
- Wait. Stop!

MAN :
Hey, blondie.

This is my place.
If you wanna stretch out,

use the grate by the wall.

It used to be Stinky's, but he's dead.

I lost my magic, my boyfriend,
my home, my family.

All I have is a Chiclet
and Stinky's grate.

MAN :
Hey!

Stinky left me this grate in his will.

I'll sell it to you for a Chiclet.

Sorry. I didn't know.

Ow.

A giant floating banana?

Wait a minute. I'm...

Dreaming.

- Tell me it was all a dream.
- It was all a dream.

Harvey didn't break up with you
and you still have your magic.

And your home.
We did it to show how destructive

dream-dropping can really be.

And to try to motivate you
to solve the family secret.

Who did you guys punish
before I moved in?

I should have known it was all a dream
when that annoying cone guy appeared.

Warning, warning. Danger, danger.

Unfortunately, he's real.

Don't worry, Sabrina. We're not
gonna let him take you away.

- What's this?
- A strongly worded citation.

"You have days to help Sabrina
solve the family secret,

or there will be a $ fine."

This is your idea of dire?

Okay, maybe "dire" was a bit strong,

but, hey, it really lit
a fire under you gals.

You'll learn.
They're big on punishment.

I had to pay for that uniform.

- Hey. Mystery's been solved.
- Hey.

I found out what Harvey's
doing every day after school.

And I really think
he owes you an explanation.

Oh, no, it is another girl.

Brace yourself.

Pork on a Pole?

There's no way I'm ever
gonna look cute in this, is there?

No. You would have thought the
nightmare was punishment enough.

My aunts aren't making me do this.

I decided that a class ring is more
important than my self-respect.

And I got the same shift as Harvey.

I still think you should have
kept your sandman job.

Well, it was kind of hard
once I heard the words "you're fired."

I guess they weren't big
on dream-dropping.

I hope I can stay awake long enough
to see who the new sandman is.

Yeah. I wonder who took over.

Let the nightmare begin.

[GRUNTS]

Don't-- Don't hurt me, sprout.
I'll count faster.