06x16 - Samantha's Lost Weekend

[bunniefuu]

All right.

Oh, Tabitha, come on.
Adam ate almost all of his lunch.

Now, you finish yours
so we can go shopping for some shoes.

- Yoo-hoo! Esmeralda?
- Hello, Samantha. Is...

- Yes, but he'll be leaving in a minute.
- Oh, good.

- Hello, Tabitha.
- Hello, Esmeralda.

Esmeralda, would you mind babysitting
while I take Tabitha to get some shoes?

And while Darrin goes to the driving range
to hit some golf balls,

or at least to swing at them.

Hello, Esmeralda.
How nice to see you for a change.

Darrin.

What I meant was
it's always nice to see you.

Thank you, Mr Stephens.

- Samantha, have you seen my golf glove?
- Isn't it with your clubs?

- No, and it's not upstairs.
- Then it must be downstairs.

I'll help you look for it.

- Tabitha, please. Finish your lunch.
- I'm not hungry.

Sweetheart, you've been saying that
an awful lot lately.

I think it's psychological.

I think it's related to her feelings
toward the new B-A-B-Y.

- That spells "baby."
- Smart, isn't she?

- Tabitha, will you please eat your lunch?
- No. I don't want to.

Young lady, you'll finish everything on your
plate or you'll go straight to your room.

Well, you gave her a choice.

Let's go look for your golf glove.

She's expressing her emotions of rivalry
by refusing to eat.

I wish I could help her.

But I can.

I'll break through her appetite barrier
by casting a spell on her milk.

As a trumpet sounds
with a shimmering b*at,

she who drinks this will crave to eat.

Sweetheart?

Where is that book you were studying
called How to Line up Your Fourth Putt?

That was called How to Improve Your Swing.

Sounds like the same thing to me.

- On the TV set. Why?
- Just playing a hunch.

It looks like a rose
you were saving from your first dance.

Thanks.

- See you later.
- Have fun.

- Esmeralda, where are you headed?
- Oh, I'm taking Tabitha her milk.

- Never mind.
- But her little stomach's empty.

And her little stubborn streak
cannot go unpunished,

so she will stay in her room.

For at least a good 10 minutes.

I'll put her milk in the refrigerator
so it doesn't go to waste.

Oh, it won't go to waste.

Samantha, you drank Tabitha's milk.

- So? It wasn't wasted.
- It wasn't intended for you.

Oh, that's all right.
It's all in the family.

Well, no sense
in wasting a perfectly good lunch.

The spell that hit you by mistake,
be now removed for both our sake.

Samantha?

Since you and Tabitha
aren't ready to leave yet,

could I run a fast errand?

Sure. This is delicious.

Well...

As long as Adam
didn't finish his strained carrots...

Mr Druggist,
may I please have something that might...

Oh, not Mr Druggist. Mr Apothecary,

purveyor of prescriptions to some
of the biggest names in the cosmos.

Oh, excuse me.
Mr Apothecary, I need something...

Say, how about some
premium-grade nightingales' tongues?

They're going for a song.

That's an oldie but a goody.

- Will they cure a hunger spell?
- No, but they're great for warlock's foot.

I appreciate your peachy sense of humour, but
I need something to cure a hunger spell,

which I cast and now I can't remove.

Don't know as much
as you think you know, huh?

That's the trouble with you teenagers.

Oh, I'm not a teenager.
I'm a young unmarried.

I was hoping
maybe you could give me a potion.

No maybes about it.
I'll give you a potion so potent

you'll pop your pink pyjamas.

Now you cut that out.

You got a date for
the Metaphysical Meditatum and Barbecue?

No. I've had dozens of offers.

- How soon can I get the potion?
- Well, just as soon as I've finished this.

It's a special formula of horn of unicorn,

gizzard of lizard, tail of snail,

caboose of moose and chicken fat.

- What does it cure?
- Don't cure nothing. It's my lunch.

- Mrs Stephens, are you busy?
- Not at all, Mr Kravitz.

I was just getting ready
to make myself a sandwich.

- You already have one.
- I know.

But somehow
I think I'm gonna want another. Come in.

- Boy, are you a fast eater.
- That was peanut butter and jelly.

- Would you like me to make one for you?
- No, thanks.

Mrs Stephens, my wife generously offered

to circulate a petition,
then went to visit her mother, so...

- Excuse me.
- It's a petition to...

Mrs Stephens, are you listening?

Oh, yes. You're circulating a petition.

Right. A petition relating
to trash collection.

As a housewife, you're naturally aware
that our local collection of trash

takes place on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Go ahead. I'm listening.

But this petition proposes that the days
be changed to Mondays and Fridays.

- Please continue, Mr Kravitz.
- I lost my train of thought.

Do you mind if I come back sometime
when you're less hungry?

You do mind?

You don't mind?

Oh, thank you.

Bon appetite.

- Anybody home?
- I'm in the kitchen!

Samantha, no joking about it.
You're a witch with an eating problem.

- Back from the shoe store?
- We didn't go.

No?

- Tabitha still pouting?
- Oh, no.

She's fine. She's playing outside.

Then why didn't you take her shopping?

Because the shoe store
doesn't sell hamburgers.

I guess I should ask what that means.

Sweetheart, I don't wanna alarm you,
but there's something wrong with me.

I have a virus that creates
an uncontrollable craving for food.

I never heard of a virus
that makes people wanna eat.

I only heard of viruses
that make people not wanna eat.

Well, you're talking about mortal people.

Darrin, I think I have
voracious ravenousitis.

It's more common among warlocks,
but witches get it, too.

- I got it.
- What can you do about it?

Well, I've tried to call Dr Bombay
five times, but he didn't answer.

I forgot.

Saturday's his afternoon
for his buffalo polo game.

- How could you forget that?
- It wasn't easy.

In the meantime,
I just ate tonight's dinner.

So I'd better go to the market.

I'll take you.
If you're sick, you shouldn't drive.

- Who's gonna stay with the kids?
- Isn't Esmeralda here?

No. No, she went on an errand.
But I'll get her.

- How soon will it be ready?
- That's tough to say.

I'm a slow worker.

Except with a groovy chick like you.

Yoo-hoo! Esmeralda?

Whoever paged you pooped my potion.

Now I gotta start all over again.

Please hurry.
I need it as soon as possible.

- You called?
- Oh, yes.

Esmeralda, can you stay with the kids
while Mr Stephens and I go to the market?

Yes.

- How do you feel?
- Hungry.

I should've told her and I will.
I definitely will. I'll tell her.

Right after I cure her.

- Sam, control yourself.
- Yes, sweetheart. I'll try.

Young woman, that's my apple.

Sorry.

I no longer desire it.

- Samantha, will you stop that?
- How?

- Hey, what's she doing?
- She's eating your lettuce.

Hey, man,
what a far-out thing to be hooked on.

But, baby, if your bag is shoplifting,
don't steal from me.

Steal from the store.

Madam, may I inquire what you're up to?

I'm eating cherry tomatoes.

Will you please repeat that?

- I'm eating cherry tomatoes.
- I see.

- My next question is, why?
- Because I'm hungry.

Madam, at the risk of branding myself
a tool of capitalism,

our purpose here is for you
to buy merchandise and take it home.

If you eat it here,
you consume our profits.

You're right. I apologise.

Madam, may I inquire
why you put this in my cart?

Darrin, don't get cute.
You know this is our cart.

This is my husband.

Where could I find a small rump roast
suitable for a bachelor?

- In the meat department.
- Thank you.

Darrin!

You wanna put the groceries in the kitchen?

Oh, wait.

- Esmeralda, how is everything?
- Oh, fine.

Tabitha's up in her room,
and Adam's taking a nap.

- Do you need me any more?
- Oh, no.

No, I'm gonna take Tabitha
to get her shoes on Monday, and...

Oh, well, it's Saturday night.
I guess she had a date.

Why don't you try Dr Bombay again?

He should have his buffalo
back in the stable by now.

Calling Dr Bombay! Calling Dr Bombay!
Emergency! Come right away!

Dr Bombay is unavailable.

His buffalo polo match
went into triple overtime.

- How thrilling.
- May I help you?

- Who are you?
- I'm his new trained nurse.

Well, I'm Samantha Stephens,

and I think I'm suffering from
voracious ravenousitis.

- Do you know how to cure that?
- I've never even heard of it.

You have never heard
of voracious ravenousitis?

I thought you were a trained nurse.

I am, but that's not what I'm trained in.

I'll give the doctor your message.

Should I take a wild guess
at what she is trained in?

No.

Say, I just thought of something.

- What?
- Let's eat dinner. I'm starved.

I thought you were in the baby's room,
but you weren't.

No. I'm here.

I'm just fixing myself a little sandwich.

- You call that little?
- Oh, be gentle with me, Darrin.

I've become a foodaholic.

Oh, come on, baby.

- How's about a little kiss?
- No.

Come on now.
It's Saturday night and we're young.

Oh, dear. I'm in a hurry.
I want you to finish my potion.

Well, I'm waiting for an ingredient
I had to order from Neptune.

Lately, deliveries from Neptune
have been running late.

So just to keep us occupied
let's fool around.

- You know what I mean?
- I don't want to.

Oh, don't fight it, baby.
You dig me and you know it.

Take five.

Sweetheart,
would you make me a cup of coffee?

With saccharine.
Gotta watch those calories.

- Yes, Samantha. What is it?
- Oh, Dr Bombay, I'm so glad you're here.

- Who won the polo match?
- Sam, who cares?

I do, and so does my buffalo.
Well, well, what's the problem?

I have to get back
to an important conference.

I know. We saw her.

Dr Bombay,
I think I have voracious ravenousitis.

Really? I haven't seen a good case
of voracious ravenousitis in centuries.

Never mind seeing it. Just cure it.

My good man,
I have to see it before I can cure it.

Left elbow, please.

By your disease, you won't be bested.
Your symptoms are forthwith arrested.

- That's all?
- I don't believe in a lot of mumbo jumbo.

- How do you feel?
- Stuffed.

- Darrin, I'm cured.
- Doctor, you're okay.

If I ever become a warlock, I'll use you.

If you ever become a warlock,
I'll become a mortal.

Well, sweetheart, let's go back to bed.

I have had a very full day.

Eat your breakfast, Tabitha.

- Do I have to?
- Yes.

Good morning, Darrin, Tabitha.
I'm sorry I...

Sam? Sam?

- Good morning, Darrin, Tabitha. I'm sorry I...
- You already said that.

I did? What happened?

- You fell asleep.
- That's impossible.

She did it again.

- Are you all right?
- Sure. I feel great. Bright-eyed and...

Darrin, I think there may be
something wrong with me.

- You know what I think I have?
- Voracious sleepitis?

No. No. I think I have a side effect
from Dr Bombay's cure.

- You take Tabitha upstairs and I'll call him.
- All right.

Come on, honey.

Dr Bombay! Paging Dr Bombay!
Emergency! Come...

- Mrs Stephens?
- Oh, hi, Mr Kravitz.

Excuse me for bothering you,
but when I circulate a petition,

I wear my victims down until they sign it.

To refresh your memory from yesterday,
this concerns trash collection.

- Oh, yes, Mr Kravitz?
- You fell asleep.

Oh, well, I'm terribly sorry,

but things have been
a little hectic around here.

Apology accepted.

It requests the city council
to change the days of collection...

Mrs Stephens,
I know all I'm talking about is garbage,

but still and all, it's our community,
and as citizens...

Boy, she must've had some night.
I never even knew she drank.

- Is it ready? Is it ready?
- Oh, I've been working on it all night.

It's ready, willing and able, and so am I.

- At last. Let me have it.
- Only in exchange for a kiss.

Would you settle
for a nice, warm handshake?

A kiss, a whole kiss
and nothing but a kiss.

They just can't keep their lips off of me.

- Eureka!
- Where am I?

- Samantha, I have the answer.
- What was the question?

Yesterday, I put a spell on Tabitha's milk
but you drank it.

I deserve your hatred. I'm no good.

I'm a blundering fool
who loves not wisely but too well.

Esmeralda, stop hamming it up.

You mean she didn't have
voracious ravenousitis?

No, but this will cure her.

Well, thanks anyway, Esmeralda,
but I'm afraid you're too late.

I don't get it.

Esmeralda, since Mrs Stephens
is temporarily indisposed,

would you be good enough
to call for Dr Bombay?

Dr Bombay! Paging Dr Bombay!
Emergency! Come right away!

This better be pretty important
to take me away from my tennis game.

- That's what you wear for tennis?
- It is when I'm tackling my new nurse.

Dr Bombay, what my wife thought
was voracious ravenousitis wasn't.

Well, this is terrible.

The treatment I prescribed
could produce side effects.

Yes, it did. She keeps falling asleep.

Well, naturally,

because my incantation
called for all her symptoms to be arrested.

So near and yet so far.

Oh, Dr Bombay,
now listen quick before I fall asleep.

Esmeralda has a potion
that will remove her spell.

Now, if you can remove your cure,
her cure can cure me.

- Is she right?
- I don't know, but it can't hurt to try.

- Left elbow?
- Right ankle.

Ignorant, isn't he?

The result of my treatment
will all fade away.

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay.

"My, oh, my, what a wonderful day."

Bit of a square, aren't you?

- Wow, am I hungry.
- Samantha, drink this in good health.

- Did it work?
- I think so.

Yes.

Good. In that case, I can get back
to my tennis match with my new nurse.

- What's the score?
- I don't know but my nurse does.

There. You see?
Everyone got all excited over nothing.

Sam? Sam!

Just a little joke, sweetheart.