06x29 - Turn on That Old Charm

[bunniefuu]

- Here's some more coffee, sweetheart.
- Thanks.

Sam.

Will you give me your opinion
of this Mother's Day card?

- The rose looks wilted.
- Now read the poem.

"In all the world, there is naught
Dearer to us than the thought

"That other loves may quickly perish
But Mother's love, we always cherish"

In my opinion,
the poem goes great with the rose.

That's not the opinion
of Augustus Sunshine.

Who's Augustus Sunshine?

Owner and head writer
of the Happy Heart Greeting Card Company.

Their sales have been slipping,
and Mr Sunshine can't understand why.

Why don't you show him in red and white?

Why don't I forget about business,
and let's go to a movie?

Okay. I'll get Esmeralda.

Yoo-hoo! Esmeralda! Yoo-hoo!

Good evening, Samantha.
Good evening, Mr Stephens.

Good evening, Esmeralda. How are
all the guys and gals in the cosmos?

I wouldn't know.
I only care about one guy, Ramon Verona.

Tonight I have a date with him.

Oh, dear.
We were hoping you could baby-sit.

Well, any other time,
but I couldn't cancel him now.

- Not after all that pleading.
- He was pleading with you?

No. I was pleading with him.

That's our little game. Ramon plays
hard to get, and I play a cinch.

Goodbye.

Have a good game.

Well, by process of elimination...

Mother!

Mother?

Greetings, all.

I just came from
the international dune buggy races.

Just once, couldn't your mother
come into a room in a normal way?

- How did you do?
- I won.

But I was disqualified

because my wheels were off the ground.

Well, your wheels are on my rug,
and I'll thank you to get them off.

He sounds huffy to me.
Does he sound huffy to you?

Mother, we were wondering
if you'd mind baby-sitting

while we go to a movie.

I would have loved to,
except that Durwood's being huffy to me.

- I'm not being huffy.
- Yes, you are.

And one more word, and I'm leaving.

- Okay.
- That's the word.

Sam, don't you have anything to say?

"In all the world, there is naught
Dearer to us than the thought

"That other loves may quickly perish
But Mother's love, we always cherish"

I didn't wanna go to the movies anyway.

Sweetheart?

There is a way
to make Mother more friendly.

Okay, let's hear it.

- Well, there's this magic amulet...
- Forget it. I've got enough magic in my life.

Oh, really?

Present company excepted.

I didn't wanna go to the movies anyway.

Sweetheart! It's 8:00.

Okay. Okay.

Good morning, Durwood.

Samantha!

What's the matter?

What happened?

Your mother happened.
That's what happened.

- Well, I'll have a talk with her.
- Never mind the talking. Just get the amulet.

- Daddy has it.
- Hurry back.

This is it.

Daddy used it throughout the centuries
whenever Mother got out of line.

- I'm surprised it isn't worn out by now.
- But now, since they go their separate ways,

I convinced him that, for the moment,
you need it more than he does.

- Let's try it out.
- Now, wait a minute.

There are two rules.
One, keep it with you at all times.

And two, don't abuse it.

Because using witchcraft
on a powerful witch, like Mother,

is living dangerously.

Well, sweetheart,
with your mother as my mother-in-law,

- I live dangerously every day.
- Put it in your pocket, and I'll call her.

Mother!

Mother?

- Good morning, Samantha.
- Good morning, Mother.

Good morning, Darrin.

Good morning who?

Darrin, dear boy.

Would you accept my humble apologies

for my slight transgressions
of this morning and last night?

I behaved frightfully.

Your behaviour last night was frightful.

This morning, it was hideous.

- Darrin.
- The dear boy is quite right.

It's no way for a mother-in-law
to treat her son-in-law.

Would you accept my apology?

- Well...
- Would you think about it?

- Yeah, I'll think about it.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, Mother,
but Darrin's late for work.

I'll see you later, Endora.

And I'd appreciate it
if you'd wear something less weird.

Anything you say, dear boy.

Oh, brother.

- It worked.
- Yes, I know. It worked like a charm.

But let's not forget
she's being nice to you against her will.

Who cares? I'll take her being nice to me
any way I can get it.

Let's not make her suspicious.

If she finds out that I've given you
Daddy's amulet, we're both in for it.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Mother, you all right?
- No.

My disgustingly sweet behaviour
toward Durwood indicates I'm quite ill.

Mother, you're just being kind
and considerate.

There's no question about it. I'm sick.

I'd better make an appointment
with Dr Bombay for a thorough checkup.

There's no time to lose.

Mr Stephens, look who came to town
to pay us a surprise visit.

- Mr Augustus Sunshine.
- Mr Sunshine, it's a pleasure to meet you.

"In the recipe of life, the ideal blendship
To ward off strife is known as friendship"

Happy Heart greeting card number 3417-Y.

Words to live by.

- Right, Mr Stephens?
- Right, Mr Tate.

- I wonder why that card hasn't been selling.
- I blame it on inflation and tight money.

Mr Stephens, be frank with me.

Do you think the poems
on my greeting cards may be outdated?

Well, Mr Sunshine,
now that you mention it...

Mr Stephens, you haven't forgotten
that Mr Sunshine writes those poems?

Well, no, but I'm sure Mr Sunshine
wants an honest appraisal.

Would you like an honest appraisal,
Mr Sunshine?

- Certainly.
- Go ahead, Mr Stephens.

Well, your poems, Mr Sunshine,
were very effective in their time,

but in today's uptight world, people like
to exchange cards that have more humour.

You're saying that my poems are outdated.
Well, perhaps they are outdated.

Then, on the other hand,

perhaps the advertising concepts
being used are outdated,

and I need a new advertising agency.
Goodbye, Stephens. Nice to have met you.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi.

- How was your day?
- Fine.

- How was yours?
- Not so fine.

It looks like we've lost
that greeting card account.

But who cares?

My life is a lot simpler
since I've got my safety badge from evil.

Hey, why don't you call your mother?
I haven't seen her all day, and I miss her.

Darrin, this is not for fun and games.

It is to be used in self-defence
and with great discretion.

Okay, okay. Whatever you say.

I'll go look in on the kids.

- You want anything from the kitchen?
- No, thanks, sweetheart.

- You hungry?
- Yeah.

And now that I'm on such good terms
with your mother,

my appetite for life has increased.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow...

Samantha? May I speak to you?

Come in, Mother.

Samantha, I just saw Dr Bombay,
and he gave me a clean bill of health.

- That's wonderful.
- That's terrible.

If there's nothing physically wrong with
me, why have I been so nice to Durwood?

Well, Mother, maybe, after all these years,

his charm and natural sweetness
has finally reached you.

You're not keeping any secrets from me,
are you?

Who, me?

You would never be a party
to casting a spell on me,

would you?

- Who, me?
- Of course not.

If there's anyone I can trust,

it's you.

Who, me?

Hi.

- Hi, Moms.
- I'm here to enjoy our newfound friendship.

Well, care to make me a sandwich?

Endora, I asked you to make me a sandwich.

Make it yourself, Durwood.

Durwood?

Make it yourself and then choke on it.

Endora, would you excuse me a second?
I have to...

Kiddo, you're not going anywhere.

Samantha!

Sounds like trouble.

That is trouble.

What happened to me
shouldn't happen to a dog.

So, if you want your sandwich, beg for it.

Sit.

Beg.

Play dead.

I think I'll leave him that way.

Mother, what are you doing?

Feeding my pet.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Darrin, forgive me.
I forgot all about your sandwich.

Never mind, Endora.
I seem to have lost my appetite.

- And besides, he's dog tired.
- The poor dear.

- Don't call us. We'll call you.
- Anything you say, Darrin.

If Mother ever finds out about that amulet,
you are going to learn that...

- Which means?
- Hell hath no fury like a bugged witch.

Hello.

Darrin, I've invited Augustus Sunshine
over to the club.

We're having lunch, and I've been trying
to persuade him not to change agencies.

- How are you doing?
- Not so good.

We just finished a round of golf,
and I even managed to lose to him,

but I had to sh**t a 97 to do it.

- Well, that's not so bad.
- For nine holes?

Anyway, it didn't work,

so I thought that I'd bring him
over to your place for dessert.

- Why?
- Why do you think?

So you can help me hang on to the account
you managed to jeopardise.

We'll be there in an hour.

Tell Samantha not to go to any trouble,
just serve something elegant.

- Who was that?
- Larry.

And in an hour,
he's bringing Augustus Sunshine here,

and we're supposed to serve him
an elegant dessert.

What for?

He thinks we can hang on to the account
with some socialising.

Well, I suppose that's the least we can do.

Elegant dessert, huh?
The Gourmet Pastry Shop,

but you'll have to drive me.
It's always so crowded,

- I can never find a parking space.
- Okay.

Esmeralda?

Yes, Samantha?

Do you think you could baby-sit
for a while this afternoon?

The way things are going
in my romance department,

I'll be able to baby-sit
for the rest of my life.

You ought to get yourself
something like this.

- What is it?
- Darrin, put that away.

Yeah, sorry. Just kidding.

- Kidding about what?
- Nothing. Forget it.

Tabitha's playing on the patio,
and Adam's having his nap.

We'll be back in half an hour. Come on.

Could it be a love charm? Obviously.

How else could a mortal like him make a
witch like Samantha fall in love with him?

Tough luck, Ramon! You're mine!

Hello. Goodbye.

Hi, Mother. You came at a bad time.
We're expecting...

Don't you "Hi, Mother" me!
You ungrateful child.

And as for you, beady eyes,
you are beneath contempt.

What's wrong, Durwood?
Don't you have the magic amulet?

- She knows.
- You bet your sweet broomstick I know.

I began thinking about ancient history,

and I remembered the amulet
your father once had.

- What happened to it?
- Esmeralda.

That's why she was so anxious
to get out of here.

So I went to Maurice,
who could never lie to me,

and I extracted a full confession.

Mother, I...

I...

Samantha, I'm hurt.

And I'm angry.

And I'm so furious,
I'm going to punish the both of you.

"You set aside your true emotions
Your loving, marital devotions

"The air around you now grows thicker
As under my spell you constantly bicker"

What do you think she's gonna do?

How should I know, stupid?

Well, you should know, blondie.
You're a certified witch.

When I married you,
I should have been certified insane.

- Me, too.
- Me, too.

My, aren't you
a bottomless pit of originality!

I don't understand it. Why am I so hostile?

- You got me.
- That's the reason!

Oh, no, it isn't.
It's all your mother's fault.

Let's not drag my mother through this.

I'd like to drag her through something.

Sam, get the door. I'm busy.

- Busy doing what?
- Reading.

Really? Didn't know you knew how.

- Hello, Larry.
- Samantha, this is Mr Augustus Sunshine.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Follow me, gentlemen.
Knucklehead is in the living room.

- Knucklehead?
- I guess it's a term of endearment.

Well, Mr Sunshine,
I look forward to chatting with you,

providing my wife can
keep her big mouth shut,

- and we can get a word in edgewise.
- The less you say, buster,

the better your chances
of appearing intelligent.

- Hey, kids, what's going on here?
- Nothing.

Mr Sunshine,
would you like a French pastry?

They look delicious.
Did you bake them yourself?

Are you kidding? If she'd baked them,
the cart would collapse.

- How'd you like a split lip?
- How'd you like a bust in the bazoo?

Sam, why do you let him
talk to you like that?

Well, I figure he's my husband,
he's got a perfect right.

He's got a pretty good left, too.

Darrin, to change
the subject to greeting cards,

as I told Mr Sunshine,
I have every confidence

if we put our shoulders to the wheel...

If you get the contract, dumbo,
I'll show you where to mark your "X."

For two cents,
I'd walk out that door and never come back.

Wait here. I'll get my piggy bank.

Tate, I may be oversensitive,

but I feel we walked in
on a little domestic quarrel.

Well, Mr Sunshine,
I suppose these things can happen,

but not in front of a client.

We'd better go.
And as we do, I also leave this thought.

"A lovers' spat is all we had
To mix the good with a touch of bad

"Now let us once again draw near
Whilst saying both, I love you, dear"

Happy Heart greeting card number 1803-K.

How about this one?

"Married life is never humdrum
When you're stuck with such a dum-dum"

Samantha Stephens, number 86.

Good day.

Wait a minute, Mr Sunshine.
I'm sure this is just a momentary thing.

Having fun, kiddies?

Samantha, I thought this was a love charm,
but it doesn't work.

- Ramon Verona was as cold as ever.
- Well, of course he was.

That amulet has power
over only one person.

Esmeralda, you look lovely.

Ravishing might be
the more accurate description.

- Thank you.
- Mother.

Remove the spell.

Anything you say.

"As a witch of great ability
I remove this pair's hostility

"Heed the message from above
You're not sick, you're just in love"

- Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
- Why should you be sorry?

Blame your meddling mother.

Ta-ta, Mama.

Ta, darling.

Oh, dear.

What am I gonna tell Larry
and Mr Sunshine?

I don't know,
but I'd better get them back here.

"Augustus Sunshine and Larry Tate
This is Darrin Stephens' mate

"To save us all a lot of trouble
Come back, fellows, on the double"

Tate, I feel a sudden compulsion
to go back to the Stephens house.

That's funny. So do I.

In other words, the whole thing was a fake,
staged for your benefit.

I don't understand.

Well, Darrin was trying to show you
that in today's society

people don't always communicate with...
Well, with sunshine.

Right. Sometimes people like to bicker.
Good-naturedly, of course.

You call the way you two
went at each other good-natured?

Absolutely.
Didn't you see the humour in it?

Yes. I guess it was pretty funny.

- Wasn't it, Tate?
- Sure.

Stephens, were you trying to tell me

that my greeting cards
are too namby-pamby?

We just thought
it was a unique way of suggesting

that you branch out
into funny insult cards.

You know, like,
"Happy birthday, knucklehead."

Happy birthday, knucklehead?

Well, that's just an example.

I mean, I'm not a professional
poet like you, Mr Sunshine.

Funny insult cards.
That's food for thought.

And speaking of food,
may I have one of those pastries?

Have two.

Well, he did it again.

- Right, Larry?
- Yeah.

He did it again.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.

Hey, I've got a present for you from Daddy.

- Well, that's very nice. When was he here?
- Today.

Mother was so angry at him
for giving us the amulet

that she decided to move back in with him
for a while just to get even.

Well, I hope you gave the amulet
back to him.

I did and he replaced it with a necktie
that doesn't do anything.

- I'll write him a thank-you note.
- Don't bother. He has no address.

I have a present for you
from Augustus Sunshine.

It's his first insult poem.

"Season's greetings to my bride
Who fills my heart with wondrous pride

"She has a figure and a face
That best belong in outer space"

- How do you like it?
- Well, I don't think it's bad for a first effort,

but I wish people wouldn't knock
outer space if they haven't been there.