08x05 - Alias Jack Tripper

[bunniefuu]

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Sha-a-a-a-ron ♪

♪ Ba-a-by ♪

♪ Sharon, baby ♪

♪ Sha-aron ♪

It's open!

♪ Can you come out tonight? ♪

Hey, Jack.

You got the 50 bucks you owe me?

What ever happened to hello?

Hello.

You got the 50 bucks you owe me?

I really need it, Lar.

I can see.

I mean, taking in laundry, Jack?

Come on.

I'm just getting ready for
my lunch date with Sharon.

Sharon Gordon?

Mercy.

It took 19 phone calls, but she
finally agreed to go out with me.

Well, did you tell her
you were a friend of mine?

Why do you think it
took 19 phone calls?

You kidding me?

Have you seen my purse, Jack?

I'm running so late.

Terri, it's right
there on the couch.

Oh. Oh, thanks.

Wee-ow! Look at that uniform.

Can I ask you a
medical question?

Sure, Larry.

Do you make house calls at all?

Try the Red Cross, Larry.

They handle disasters.

Burn city, Larry! Whoa.

Burn city!

Hi, Larry.

Getting ready for
your big date, huh?

Oh, I can't wait.

Jack, I know you are going
to be crazy about this girl.

Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

Hold it.

I never told her about
my date with Sharon.

Then who is she talking about?

Why do I feel like a building

just before the
wrecking ball hits?

Okay, now, Jack,

Agnes is going to be here
to meet you about noon.

Agnes?

Boom!

Yeah.

You didn't forget, did you?

Forget what?

Jack, I told you Agnes is
going to be stopping off here

on her way back from
Hawaii, remember?

Agnes? Jack Tripper!

Oh, that Agnes. Oh, yeah.

Jack Tripper, so help me,

if you try to get
out of this, I'll...

Boom!

Why is he doing that?

Tight underwear.

Look, Janet, suppose...

Just suppose I
couldn't meet Agnes.

Uh, would you hate my
guts for the rest of my life?

What there is left of it.

I can't wait to meet Agnes.

Tell me, she doesn't happen
to have a nickname, does she?

No, Jack, she's just
plain Agnes Platt.

That's what I figured.

Good luck, Jack.

You're really going to
like this girl, I'm telling you.

I mean, she has
a great personality

and she's very bright
and she's a lot of fun.

Woo! Woo!

Will you get in there
and get dressed?

She's going to be here
in less than half an hour.

Can you believe this?

It takes me two weeks to get
a date with Sharon Gordon,

and I have to stand her up.

I'd take Sharon to
lunch for you, Jack,

but my teeth are still
loose from our last date.

She's got a left hook
that would drop a moose.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Larry.

You don't have to go
out to lunch with Sharon.

You can go out to
lunch with Agnes.

Agnes! Yeah!

I'm not that hungry.

Larry, wait a minute.
Larry, just come here.

Larry, all you have to
do is pretend you're me.

And then, in a couple of hours,

Agnes will be on a
plane, she's out of here.

Everybody's happy.

Do I look happy?

Larry, didn't you
hear what Janet said?

This girl has a
great personality,

she's a lot of fun,
she's beautiful.

I didn't hear "beautiful."

I'm sure it was in
there somewhere.

Yeah, yeah.

Great personality, lots of fun.

In girl-talk that means
she bites the mailman

and chases cars.

Larry!

Larry, let's... please.

Please? Me, go out with Agnes?

I'd have to be crazy.

Suppose I forgot about
the 50 bucks you owe me.

Call me, Crazy Larry.

I knew it.

All right, then, okay.

It's a deal, but remember,

you're me, Jack Tripper.

Don't hit on the girl.

Hit on Agnes?

I'd have to charge you extra.

Larry! All right, all right!

Don't worry!

I'll be you.

It won't be easy.

I'll have to hold back
about 90% of my charm.

You usually do.

Bing-bong.

"Jack, that must be Agnes."

"I'll get it."

Hi, I'm Agnes.

Mercy!

Are you Jack Tripper?

Am I ever! Come in!

Come in, come in, come in.

Wah!

Hey, there.

Can I buy you a drink?

Isn't it a little early, Jack?

Yeah, uh, uh, for a
nice cold lemonade?

Gosh and golly, I make it so
tart, even the pitcher puckers.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, thanks.

I'll wait on the lemonade.

Okay.

So this is where you live?

Yeah. Oh, please, sit down.

You don't have
to sit that far away.

Oh, yes I do.

Oh, come on. Sit next to me.

Janet didn't tell me
you were so shy.

I'm not.

She said that you were
a perfect gentleman.

I am.

You know, you and I are going
to have a great time together.

You just name it!

Oh, no, you decide.

I'm totally in your hands.

♪ Sha-a-a-ron ♪

♪ Ba-a-by ♪

♪ Ow ♪

♪ Sharon, baby ♪

♪ Sha-a-ron ♪

♪ Can you come out tonight? ♪

♪ Come, come,
come out ton-i-ght? ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, yeah ♪

Hello, Sharon? Sh...

Hello, Sharon. Hi!

I know I just left you,

but I just wanted to call

and tell you that I
had a great time.

Jack. Jack Tripper.

Oh, yes, I knew
you were kidding.

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, Sharon, listen,

I don't know how I'm going to
keep my mind on my work tonight,

but, yeah, remember, you
haven't been to my bistro.

You got a standing
invitation any time you want.

You're welcome to
drop in any time. Uh-huh.

Well, I'll let you go now,

but I just wanted
to call and say,

"Mmm, good-bye."

Tomorrow?

All right.

Bye, Bill.

Hi, girls. Hi, Jack.

Oh, did you want
the couch? I'm sorry...

Well? Well?

Tell us all about it.

About what?

Oh, he's gonna make
us drag it out of him.

Jack, please. We want to
hear about your date with Agnes.

Yeah. What did you think of her.

She's okay.

I should check my mail.

Wait.

What do you mean,
"She was okay"?

Didn't you think she was pretty?

Janet, I did you a favor. Okay?

I took your friend out,
I showed her around,

and that's it.

That's it? That's it.

So let's get on with
our lives, shall we?

Gee. Jack, I was kinda hopin'

that the two of you...

Hello. Agnes?

Are you calling
from the airport?

Oh.

Jack did what?

You're kidding.

No. No, he didn't
say one word about it.

He's just sitting there
like Mr. Innocent, the rat.

Well, thanks, Agnes.

And I'm glad you called,

'cause I wanna see
how's he's gonna

squirm his way out of this one.

Yeah. Bye.

So...

You thought you'd get
away with it, didn't you?

Yeah, Jack.

Get away with what?

He talked Agnes
into changing planes

and having dinner
with him tonight.

He what? He did.

Jack, come on.

Honestly, she could not
stop raving about him.

What did you do to that girl?

I have to find out.

Wait, wait. We'll
all find out tonight.

Oh, yeah? What?

Yeah, after dinner, Terri and I

are gonna join you
and Agnes for drinks.

I think I need my
drink now, actually...

Larry! Open up!

Larry!

Laaa!

Hi, Jack.

How did your date with
Sharon go, old buddy?

Don't you "old buddy" me,

you low-down,
double-crossing, back-stabbing...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.

What did I do?

Janet just told me what
a wonderful time I had.

You did, you did.

But you talked Agnes
into staying another night.

Why, Larry, why?

So? We're gonna have
one last evening together.

What's the problem?

Janet and Terri
are going to meet

Agnes and Jack for
drinks after dinner.

Now, Larry, I want
you to call Agnes

and cancel the
dinner date, okay?

Yeah.

Eh, I don't know
where to reach her.

Where are you meeting
Agnes for dinner?

The best place in town.

My restaurant.

You don't have
a restaurant. I...

Oh, no.

You didn't. You didn't.

I thought you could
use the business.

You idiot. Hey, hey, hey!

If you think it's
so easy being you,

you ought to try it some time.

What?

Look.

This was your idea, remember?

Yeah, I know.

What am I gonna do now?

Just keep Janet and
Terri from showing up.

How do I do that?

I'm supposed to be Jack
Tripper? I'm not that smart.

Larry.

But, if you're
asking Larry Dallas,

I could tell you what to do.

What?

First things first.

All right, all right.

Oh, Terri. I'm so excited.

I can't wait to see Jack
and Agnes together tonight.

I think Jack can wait.

He didn't seem too happy
about us meeting them for drinks.

Yeah, I know.

And I bet he tries to
talk us out of it some way.

Yeah.

Hi, girls.

Hi. Hi.

I see you're getting
ready for my date tonight.

We sure are.

That's wonderful. I'll
tell you, Agnes and I

are surely looking
forward to your company.

I wonder who that could be?

Hello. Agnes!

What a surprise!

You what?

You're changing your plans?
You're gonna fly back tonight?

That's a shame.
I was... No, wait!

Larry! The old telephone
bit has not worked

for five years, so knock it off.

What?

I know it was Jack's idea.

Gimme that.

Larry.

Did you really think
you could fool us?

Not really, but it
was worth a sh*t.

Look, Jack.

If you really want
us to stay away,

why don't you just say so?

Okay. I really want
you to stay away.

Not a chance.

You know, Janet, if Jack
wants to be alone with Agnes,

I think we ought to
respect his privacy.

Terri.

Yeah, now listen to the
blonde person, Janet.

There's a little sense in there.

But...

Okay.

Okay.

We won't join you for drinks.

Thank you.

Nails. Ah.

I appreciate your courtesy.
By the way, girls, listen,

if you want to watch
me on any other date...

Oh, Jack!

Feel free. Ugh!

Well? What got into you?

No time to talk, Janet.
We have got to get dressed.

Get dressed for what?

Well, we said that we
wouldn't meet them for drinks.

But that doesn't mean
that we can't stop by

our favorite restaurant
for a cup of coffee.

Jack was right, blonde person.

There is a little
sense in there.

Here you go. Enjoy.

I hate to trouble you, but
could we have some water?

Certainly.

Here you are.

Yeah.

Well? This is it.

My gift to the American gourmet.

Oh, Jack.

Jack at your service.

Haaah...

Ooh! Ooh! Excuse me...

I'm terribly sorry.

Is his name Jack, too?

Huh? No, no.

Uh, it's Zach.

With a "Z". He's my maitre d'.

Oh, Zach!

Good evening, Mr. Tripper.

Oh, no...

Miss Platt, Zach.

Good evening, Miss Plattzach.

Agnes Platt, Zach.

Ah! Yes, of course.

Yes, well, Mr. Tripper,

I have your table right here.

Here we go. May I... Ah, yes.

Right here. My, my. Yeah.

Unh!

This is a special
occasion, Zach.

So, um, why don't you bring
us something I couldn't afford

if I were just a customer.

May I recommend the
macaroni and cheese?

You may, but I
think we'll have the...

glazed chicken with truffles

and the Beluga caviar.

Oh! That sounds delicious.

Excuse me.

We still haven't
gotten our water.

Uhh... Right away, sir.

The glazed chicken
with truffles...

How do you prepare that?

Well, we slap the chicken around

until it has this glazed
look on its face...

Jack...

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll get you the recipe.

Meanwhile, why don't
you pick a dessert.

An expensive one.

Here's your water, sir. Sorry.

Ooh!

Is that it?

Terri?

Uh...

What are you doing here?

Dropping by our favorite
restaurant for a cup of coffee.

Coffee? That's right.

With cream and sugar, please.

Okay, but just don't move, okay?

Just get back in
there until I call you.

Nyeh! Get in.

Here you go.

You weren't supposed
to come here.

Janet couldn't help herself.

She just wanted to see
you and Agnes together.

Then you'll leave?

Yes, we promise. Okay, good.

Okay.

Agnes.

May I call you Agnes?

Instead of that chicken, I
thought maybe you'd like

a dish we call Shrimp Alsace.

Let me tell you
how we prepare it.

First, we find the
tenderest shrimps possible.

Just about the size
of a lady's finger,

and I personally sample one...

from each order.

I wish we could hear
what he's saying.

And for the sauce,

we use only the
reddest tomatoes,

like the color of your lips.

How does that sound?

Well, I'll tell you.

Because this is my
friend Jack's restaurant,

I'm not going to make a scene.

But just to let you know
how I feel about being hit on...

Whoaaa... shrimp!

Boy, Jack has that
lovesick look, doesn't he?

Yeah, I feel kinda
guilty spying on him.

Yeah, me too.

Come on, Terri.

Let's leave the two love
birds alone. Come on.

Come on.

Uh, excuse me, I think
I'll check on your order.

You know you got
real sharp shoes.

Why did you push
me in the kitchen?

You're lucky it wasn't the oven.

Oh, Jack, you really should
say something to your Maitre d'.

While you were
gone, he hit on me.

Up to his old tricks again, huh?

You know, if he didn't
have a wife and six kids,

I'd fire him.

Six kids? Oh, yeah.

He keeps hitting on her too.

Janet, I feel funny
about going back in there.

Terri, come on.

Agnes is one of
my very best friends.

And I didn't even
get to speak to her.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Oh, hi, Janet. What a surprise.

Yeah, you can say
that again, Agnes.

I go and fix you up with
a really wonderful guy

then I walk in here and
I find you making out

with... with... with...

That.

That?

I'm so sorry.

If I had known they
were gonna do this,

I'd never gotten you involved.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Jack Tripper!

Yeah?

Sharon! Uh...

Whoa!

Why, Sharon, hi.
What're you doing here?

Well, you said
drop in anytime...

Any time but now.

Hold on. He's not Jack.

He's Zack.

Zack?

Yes, tell her, Jack.

Yeah, tell me, Larry.

Larry?

That's right. This is Jack.

You've got Larry.

This is the Larry upstairs
that Janet wrote me about?

That's the one.

Did she say nice
things about me?

I guess not.

Oh, Agnes.

I'm so sorry.

I... I guess they must've
changed places on you.

The creeps.

Why would you
do a thing like that?

Look, there is a
simple explanation.

That's not it.

See, the, um...

Jack Tripper, if
you don't tell me

what's going on around here,
I think I'm gonna get a fast...

No, no, no, no. Easy, easy.

Stay.

All of you have a right
to be mad at me, okay?

Listen, I did the wrong
thing for the right reason.

I didn't want to hurt anybody.

I even talked my
friend Larry here

into going against
his principles.

I am truly sorry.

And I humbly apologize to
each and every one of you.

Now, if anyone wants to belt me

just get in line.

Me first!

I'll see you later, girls.

Hey, wait a minute Jack!
Wait! Ho! Whoa, whoa!

Where are you going?

You promised to take
us to the flower show.

The the... the flower show?

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot...

It's my mother's birthday today.

Don't give us that.

Of all the lame excuses, Jack.

No honest, I'm supposed
to be in San Diego...

Jack Tripper...

Hello?

Oh, mom, listen, I'm on my way.

I was just out the door.

The girls...

Listen, you, I am
getting sick and tired

of you and your
stupid phone calls.

What?

No, this is Terri.

Happy birthday, Mrs. Tripper.

Whoa!

Mom, I'm sorry. I
had no... I don't know.

I'm leaving right now, okay?