08x14 - Baby, It's Cold Inside

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Three's Company". Aired: March 15, 1977 - September 18, 1984.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Comedy about two single girls who need a roommate to share their Santa Monica apartment, they decide to offer a room to the guy they find passed out in the bathtub.
Post Reply

08x14 - Baby, It's Cold Inside

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

I hope I'm doing
this right, Terri.

I've never cooked
a chicken before.

You never cooked
anything before.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha.

Okay. I think the
stuffing's ready.

So's the chicken.

Here, you stuff it.
I'll make the salad.

Okay.

The other end, Janet.

Thanks, Terr.

Sorry.

Oh, Terri, you better do
this. I mean, you're a nurse.

Oh, come on, Janet.

You can do it. But, Terri, I...

Okay. Oh, wait! I
didn't put oregano in.

Gosh, how much should I use?

A pinch is all you need.

And a pinch is what
you're gonna get.

Aah! Jack!

Wise guy!

Yeah, get out of here.

We promised you a
home-cooked meal,

and we can't be cooking it

when you're standing
here bothering us.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm
not gonna bother you,

not after seeing what you're
doing to that poor chicken.

Get out! Jack!

It's open, Lar.

Well?

Well? Well what?

Your date with
Francesca. How did it go?

Larry, I spent the whole night

fighting off the
sexiest girl in the world.

You didn't.

You're right. I surrendered.

You are a very lucky man.

Tell me, tell me.

Are you gonna see her again?

Well, as a matter of fact,

she did want to get
together tonight. Yeah.

But I promised to have
dinner with the girls.

But you... Hold it.

Let me get this straight.

You had a fantastic
time with Francesca.

She's begging to see you again,

and you're having
dinner with the girls?

That's right.

Jack, we've been
friends for years.

If you wanna keep a
secret from me, that's okay.

If you wanna lie to
me, that's okay, too.

But don't insult
my intelligence!

He expects me to believe
he's having dinner with the girls!

Would you give me that phone?

Get out of here, Larry.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Angelino.

No, no. That, uh...
That was Crazy Larry.

He likes to play with phones.

Terri? Huh?

How's the soup coming?

Oh, no! It turned green!

It's pea soup.

Then it's fine!

Hey, guys?

Jack, get out of here!

Wait. That was
Mr. Angelino on the phone.

He told me there's gonna be

a meat-cutter's strike at midnight.
You know what that means?

Uh-huh. There's gonna be
a lot of happy cows tonight.

No, no, no, no, no.

That means that if I don't
wanna run out of meat,

I gotta go down to the market
and pick up a side of beef.

Now? What about
our dinner, Jack?

No problem. Just
put it on a low flame.

I'll be back in an hour.

Jack, wait a minute! What?

Are you gonna get all that
beef in your refrigerator?

No, Mr. Angelino said I
could hang it in his freezer

while his restaurant
is closed for vacation.

I gotta call a cab.

Oh...

A side of beef in a cab?

Yeah.

And he makes us take the bus.

Uh... this might sound
like a silly question,

but, uh, how large
are your cabs?

No no no no. I don't
have any luggage.

Just a side of beef.

That's right. And I... hello?

Hello. Hello. Hello!

Oh, that's great. Just great.

Hi, Jack! I was just going...

Mr. Furley, am I
glad to see you.

Jack. Easy!

No. I was gonna ask you

to drive downtown to
help me pick up something.

Jack, you should know by now

that you and I do not
pick up the same things.

Mr. Furley... Forget it, Jack.

I'm going down to The Beagle.

Good. Maybe you'll
run into that rich widow.

Rich widow?

Yeah, you know, that cute blonde

who moved in across the street.

I never noticed.

Well, she sure as
heck noticed you.

She keeps asking
me all these questions

about "that sexy
Mr. Furley, oh!"

What kind of questions?

I'll tell you all about it
on our way downtown.

Jack, this is the last
favor I ever do for you.

My car smells like
a slaughterhouse.

Do you know the
backseat of my car

has never been used before?

I can believe that.

Can you swing around
so I can unlock the freezer?

No, Mr. Furley, the other way.

Mr. Furley, would you go
back the other way with this?

Just...

All right, stop, stop.

Don't move. Don't move.

Geez.

You're just luck I
didn't get a traffic ticket.

Hey, I didn't tell you
to run the red light.

What else could I do with
a pack of dogs chasing us?

Let's just get
this in the freezer

so we can get out of here.

Come on. Easy. Easy.

Okay, now put your end down.

All right.

All right, okay.
Here's the hook.

On the count of 3. Ready?

1, 2, 3,

lift!

All right, to me, Mr. Furley.

Mm-hmm. Come on.

Easy, easy, easy.
Wait, wait, wait.

Here we go.

All right. If you're
through playing games,

let's get out of here.

This place is cold
enough to hang meat.

Okay, hand over
your money. What?

This is a hold-up.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, knock it off!
Give me your wallets.

Okay, all right, just
don't get nervous, okay?

Now you.

I don't have a wallet.

I carry my money in my sock.

Oops.

Hand it over.

Come on, come on.

2 bucks?

That's right.

I never carry anything of
value except this watch.

Damn!

Now turn around
and get in there.

In the freezer?

Move!

He's leaving.

What?

Oh, boy. That's a relief.

For a minute I thought he
was gonna make us go with him.

Mr. Furley, he locked us in.

Yeah, he locked us in.

We're locked in!

We're locked in!

Help! Help! Mr. Furley...

Mr. Furley!

We're locked in the freezer!

Easy, no one's out there.

And even if they were,
they couldn't hear you.

The door is made of solid steel.

Sound can't get through.

What?

Yeah, this freezer
is sealed airtight.

Oh... Air!

We're gonna run out of air!

Mr. Furley, we're not
going to run out of air.

We're not? No.

Oh. You're right

We'll freeze long
before that happens.

Freeze!

We're gonna freeze to death!

Mr. Furley, come on. Help us!

Mr. Furley, relax. Freeze!

No! Don't hyperventilate!

Breathe! Breathe, Mr. Furley!

Get some air in!

Breathe!

Okay? Okay.

Now, Mr. Furley, listen
to me carefully, all right?

Calm down, relax.

We're not gonna freeze to death.

You know why?

Because Janet and
Terri know where I went,

and when I don't
show up for dinner,

they'll come looking
for me, okay?

Okay, right, right.

So the important thing
to do is just stay warm

until they get here, okay?

Warm, warm, warm.

Yeah, right. Warm thoughts.

Warm thoughts. What?

It's a matter of
mind over matter.

See, I wanna think
real warm thoughts.

Oh, good thinking.

I'm sitting in the
middle of Miami Beach.

The sun is b*ating down on me.

Way to go, R.F.

Boy, I'm starting to sweat now.

It's real hot there, huh?

Yeah, it would be if it wasn't
for that damn wind blowing.

Uh, Mr. Furley?

Hey, it's starting to rain!

No!

You're right, it's snow!

Mr. Furley!

This is the last time
I go to Miami Beach!

Terri? Mm-hmm?

Jack should have
been home an hour ago.

I wonder what's keeping him.

I don't know, but I'm worried.

Would you feel any better

if we went out
and looked for him?

Yeah, but I don't even know

where we should start looking.

Well, let me see, his
last stop was Angelino's.

Okay, let's go down there.

Okay, but what about the...

Come, we'll just go
down and check it out.

We'll be back in a hurry.

It won't take that long.

But you... All right. Okay.

Come on, keep
moving, Mr. Furley.

I'm too cold to exercise.

Come on, this is a
way to create body heat

and stay warm.

Look at me, I'm
working up a sweat!

I'm actually getting hot.

Want me to hold
your jacket for ya?

Look at all these cartons.
Look at these, Mr. Furley.

What about them?

You know, if we
had some matches,

we could build a fire.

Matches?

I've got some matches somewhere.

You do?

Yeah. Good.

Right here. Great.

It's part of my job.

How'd do you think I
check for gas leaks?

Darn, I've only
got one match left!

One is all we need.

I'm gonna show
you a little trick

I learned in the Boy Scouts.

Now we're cooking.

You ready for the match?

Not quite yet.

Oh, sorry.

Jack? Jack?

Jack?

Hey, this is really weird.

The front door's unlocked,
but nobody's here.

Hey, there's a
light in the kitchen!

It's Janet and Terri!

We're saved!

We're saved!

Terri, look at this.

Jack's Bistro, one side of beef.

$468.

This is Jack's receipt.

Well, at least we know
that he made it here.

We must have just missed him.

He's probably at home right now,

wondering where we are.

Yeah.

Good old Janet and Terri.

I told you they'd figure
out where we were.

I knew we could count on them.

They're leaving!

What?

Wait!

Janet, Terri, come back!

Don't leave us here!

I can't believe
they just left us!

We were so close to being saved!

Come on, Jack,
we made it this far.

Certainly we can hold out

until they open
up in the morning.

Mr. Furley, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

What's that?

This restaurant is
closed for vacation.

It's not gonna be open
for another w-w-week.

A week?

Jack, you must be wrong!

What?

Do you know what we're
gonna look like in a week?

Jack?

Jack, are you home?

Jack?

Jack?

He's not here.

Then where is he?

Let me see, if he's
not at Angelino's,

and he's not here...

Terri, I know where he's not!

I wanna know where he is.

Well, don't yell at me.

I've been with you all night.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Terri.

It's just that I'm
really kinda worried.

Yeah.

Hi, girls.

Oh, Larry, hi. Have
you seen Jack?

No, not since earlier tonight.

Oh, that's what I was afraid of.

The last thing he told us

was that he was going
downtown to pick up a side of beef.

That's no way to
talk about Jack's date.

Larry, we are
talking about a cow.

It doesn't matter
what she looks like.

Larry! Larry!

We're talking about some beef

that he took down to Angelino's.

But he never came home.

I knew he couldn't stay away.

Stay away from what?

Francesca.

Who is Francesca?

A date, Terri,
what do you think?

I never said that.

That Jack!

How could he do this to us?

Look, let's just
forget about him.

Let's just have our
dinner and go to bed.

Sounds good to me.

Larry!

If you promise to behave,
you can have dinner with us.

Yeah, if you behave.

Hey, thanks very much.

What are we having?

Roast stuffed chicken.

Wow, that sounds great.

You know, this is real treat.


A poor bachelor like me

doesn't get a
home-cooked meal too often.

Why don't you get married?

I've never been that hungry.

Hope you like your
chicken well done.

What did you use,
a flame-thrower?

I just remembered,
I promised to meet

a hamburger down
at the Regal Beagle.

Well, that's all
the more for us.

Yeah!

Well, Terri...

why don't you dig in?

Are you crazy?

Well, if this isn't just great.

Here we are,
sitting here, starving,

while Jack's out
having a hot old time.

Mr. Furley, wake up!

Wake up! Huh?

Come on.

Oh, hi, Jack.

I guess I left you
there for a minute.

Are we still alive?

Yes!

Oh, good.

But if you go to sleep
now, you'll never wake up.

You gotta stay
awake, Mr. Furley.

Keep alert, okay?

I'm alert. I'm alert.

Good. Good.

Jack, what's that
burning in the fireplace?

What fireplace?

Right there next to the stove.

Mr. Furley, come
on, snap out of it!

Come on!

You're starting to hallucinate.

I am? Come on.

Oh, then the end must be near!

Don't... don't talk like that.

Somebody's bound to
come... to come along.

But... But we'll be frozen
solid by the time that happens.

We mustn't give up hope.

But there's nothing
we can do, Jack!

Yes, there is.

We can huddle together.

Huddle together?

To keep warm.

It's either that or
freeze to death.

Well?

I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

Who is it?

It's me, Larry.

Larry, it's 2:00 in the morning.

Yeah, yeah.

Did Jack come home yet?

No, not yet.

Oh, then we're in big trouble.

What kind of trouble?

I just left the Beagle.

I wasn't planning
on staying that late,

but Greedy Gretchen walked in.

I thought she didn't
wanna see me again,

but she was all over me.

I wanna tell ya, that chick...

Would you get to the point?

Okay, okay.

I saw Francesca there.

So? So?

She hasn't seen Jack all day.

Oh, no! I knew there was
something wrong, Larry.

I just knew... No,
no, okay, okay.

Girls, let's not overreact.

Larry, but he's... Yeah, well...

He's probably fine.

It's a big city. He could
be almost anyplace.

Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, right, Larry.

Have you checked the morgue?

What?

To make sure he's not there.

Larry! Oh, Larry,
honestly, sometimes...

Yes?

I'm sorry to bother you folks

this time of night.

What is it?

We would like you to
identify a Jack Tripper.

Identify?

Jack's dead.

Oh, my God, Jack's
dead! Oh, my God.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Who said anything about dead?

Bring him in.

Oh, he's alive!
Oh, he's all right!

He's not Jack.

Who is he?

Well, we found him
prowling around the building,

but he didn't look anything

like his driver's license.

Oh, that's Jack's wallet.

All right, where'd you get it?

I know my rights.
I'm not talkin'.

Oh, yes you are! Yeah!

Cut it out! Cut it out!

All right, all right, all right!

I'll talk! Help, police!

Police!

You... you still awake, R.F.?

What difference does it make?

Come on, now. Come on.

You gotta... you
gotta think positive.

You're right... think positive.

You got a pencil?

What for?

To make out my will.

Oh, Mr. Furley!

I think I've got one here.

I'm leaving everything to you.

Damn!

First I get robbed,

then I find out I'm
gonna freeze to death,

and now to top it all
off, I break my pencil!

This just isn't my day.

Mr. Furley?

What?

Were you really gonna
leave everything to me?

Well, yes.

Is something wrong with that?

No, I'm... I'm just touched.

Well, you know, Jack,
I never did tell you this,

but... well, you're all right.

Well, not all right.

But you're all right.

Thanks, R.F.

Did I ever you tell you I
almost got married once?

No.

Yeah, back in WWII.

I nearly wound up
with a German girl.

Her name was Helga.

You served overseas?

No, I served in her father's
delicatessen in Queens.

I was 4F.

4F, R.F.?

Well, what happened
with you and Helga?

Oh, nothing.

She ran off with a
salami salesman.

Maybe I should
have married, though.

Kinda sorry I
never had children.

Really? Yeah.

You know, if I had a son, Jack,

I'd want him to
turn out just like you.

You mean that?

Sure, why not?

Mr. Furley...

there's something
that I should tell you.

What's that?

You know, all
these years I've...

I've always said that I was...

Yeah?

Well, I'm not.

You're not?

You mean you like girls.

All this time, right
under my nose,

and I never suspected a thing!

I'm sorry I had to fool you.

It's all right, Jack.

It's all right.

Are we still friends?

Friends... to the end.

You know, my one
big regret in life?

What's that?

I never got to see Alaska.

Hey, we're saved! We're saved!

Janet! Jack, you're all right!

Oh, Janet, Terri!

Come out of here,
get out of here.

Come on!

Oh, my...

Oh, oh, warm hands, warm bodies.

Closer, closer.

Are you okay, Mr. Furley?

Mm-hmm. Good.

Oh, it must have been
just awful for you in there.

It was terrible.

You know what happened?

No. What?

Jack told me
that he likes girls!

He what?

And you know what that means.

Oh, boy.

It means that Jack
got delirious in there.

If I hadn't calmed him down,

he would have
cracked up completely!

Oh, it is so good to be home.

Just point me
toward the kitchen.

The kitchen?

Yeah, all the way
home, I kept thinking

about that wonderful chicken
you were cooking for dinner.

Wonderful? No! No!

Huh?

What are you talk... What
are you doing? But we...

You know, Jack, it's
much too late for you to eat.

You kidding me? I'm starving.

Jack, you can't eat
on an empty stomach.

Right. What?

Yeah. And, oh,
Jack, we wanna hear

all about Francesca.

Oh, yeah, tell us
all about her. Yeah.

Well, there's nothing to
tell. She's... she's gorgeous.

Oh, really? She's
gorgeous. Aw, Jack.

And you gave up seeing her

to spend an evening with us?

Why not? You two are worth it.

Aw. Aw, Jack.

Sure, I mean, she's so pretty,

she can get all the
dates she wants,

while you poor girls...

Well, you know what I mean.

Poor girls?

Yeah, you know, Terri,
on second thought,

I don't think it's too
late for Jack to eat.

Right.

What is that? Eat!

No, wait, wait, wait.

Don't. Eat!

It's not ready yet.

We'll bring the food to you!

Then open wide!
Post Reply