33x14 - You Won't Believe What This Episode is About - Act Three Will Shock You!

Episode transcripts for the 1989 TV show "The Simpsons". Aired: December 1989 to present.*

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"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.
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33x14 - You Won't Believe What This Episode is About - Act Three Will Shock You!

Post by bunniefuu »

Come on, come on, come on.
Pick up the pace.

Here you go.

Mm...

Mmm.

Hurry up! It's almost here.

Mm?

Yippee!

My industrial-grade steam vacuum.

The same model they use to clean

grisly crime scenes and
sticky champagne rooms.

Okay, ma'am,
I have you down for a three-hour rental

starting... now.

Everybody, out, out, out, out, out!

Me and the floors deserve
to savor every minute

of our special spa day.

And take the dog.

Now it's my time

to make these stains "herstory."

Ugh, are you quoting
their actual slogan?

I'm quoting my wildest dreams.

- Dog park, dog park, dog park!
- Whee!

Whee! Whee!

Trampoline park, trampoline park,

trampoline park!

Aw, don't leave me alone
in that giant dirt toilet

with all those lonely
dog-obsessed weirdos.

Please.

Well, what could go wrong
with all those doctors around?

- Hey, Homer.
- What are you doing here?

Once it became clear
that human companionship

was a non-starter,

I adopted this handsome
little mister, Devin.

He loves it here.

The training books say it's important

to keep your dog socialized.

It's not a book park.

And now that you're here,
I have somebody

I can talk dogs with.

So, where'd you get your dog?

Uh, I think he came with the house?

Look at us, dog-talking.

We'll meet here every morning
at : and have our own club.

The Dog Dad Boyz.

I'll reach out to logo designers.

Oh, God,
somebody get me out of this.


Aah! Dev-Dev!

Control your psycho, maniac.

Bad dog dad.

Membership in the Dog Dad Boyz revoked.

Oh, you saved me from the
worst kind of human...

a dog lover.

I love you, dog.

Let's go get you a reward.

Okay, wait here for two
minutes while I get your treat.

I'm gonna open the windows halfway

and leave the AC running.

Hmm.

What ice cream flavor
will make my dog feel

like the most cherished
creature in the entire universe?

Hey, check it out.

Some jerk left their dog in the car.

With the windows rolled up, no less.

- Who does that?
- Monster.

Obviously, no chocolate,
but he does love peanut butter.

Rum raisin is a no, for any species.

What kind of lunatic
thinks this is okay?

Some people are just born broken.

Puppy spoiler, coming through.

Hey, what am I missing?

A churlish individual saw fit

to desert their dog in a hideous sedan.

Wait, it's not what it looks like.

I just left my dog in my car on purpose.

Whoa, how could you, man?

And on a scorcher like today?

What? It's not a...

Aah! Come on boy, help me out.

Get the keys. Get the keys.

You expect him to work
under these conditions?

No, wait. I think Marge

hid a key under the car somewhere.

The dog-cooking wuss is trying to hide.

Grab his legs!

Leave me alone. I'm good with dogs.

He locked the Dalmatian
in the firetruck. Oh!

Gotta be kidding me!

Okay, everyone. The dog's fine.

Why don't you all just get a life.

No wonder his dog is such a psycho.

He's probably a bad parent, too.

How dare you?

Dad, you forgot to pick us up.

Glad that's over, aren't we, boy?

Uh, I'm not so sure.

Oh... yes.

This must be
how Catholics feel after confession.

Now, to post some before-and-after sh*ts

so the neighbors can eat
their dirty carpet hearts out.

- Hmm?

No.

No. No...

No!

Okay, so far,
the neighborhood rage is contained

to just dog lovers.

Oh, no. It's spread to the cat people.

Oh, now it's the horse crazies.

Those horse crazies don't mess around.

Homer,
you have to apologize for yesterday.

What? Why? The dog and I are cool.

Look, we know you didn't
mean to do anything wrong.

But sometimes you just need
to accept responsibility

so people will move on.

So, I drafted you a heartfelt apology.

That's so sweet, honey.

But trust me, it'll blow over.

When God gave man dominion over

all the beasts of the Earth,

that was not permission for one man

to abandon a dog in a hot Plymouth.

Mm. Okay, I get it.
Everybody's mad at me.

Dad, nip this in the bud

and use my apology.

I'm Homer Simpson,

and I'm truly sorry.

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Sorry if you pee-pee babies
were offended by something

that was no big deal
and everything's fine.

So what's the issue?

Amazing job,
you really got his voice down.

Okay, Homer,
I think you've made your point.

I'm sorry that you don't have
enough things to get mad at.

I'm sorry that you all have skin

thinner than gas station toilet paper.

And I'm sorry that your
lives are so boring

that you take a man
who left his rescue dog

for two minutes to buy
him organic ice cream

from a woman-owned local business,

and you crucify him!

Ahh!

Ow, my dog's eye!

Mm-mm.

My fellow Springfielders,
here at Burns Industries,

we release the hounds
on all forms of disrespect,

and to tolerance we say, "excellent."

As such, we have terminated association

with Homer J. Simpson, as his actions

do not represent the
values of Evil Corps.

Moving forward, we plan to sit back,

tent our fingers, and listen.

Well, Homer, on the plus side,
this has made people forget

- you almost k*lled the dog.
- Oh...

Yes, this is the residence

of the guy who pushed a
pastor out of a church window.

Uh-huh. And would you classify
that as a death thr*at

or merely an act of extreme v*olence?

Thank you for your rage.

- Hm.
- Oh, Lovejoy's fine.

But I lost my job and now
that trolls put my photos

and phone number on the Internet,

I also lost my anonon-nim-ninim-ninity.

There's also a bunch of TikToks

of people lip-syncing to what you said,

because that's what comedy is now.

I'm sorry that you all have skin

thinner than gas station toilet paper.

Oh, I've never been
so viciously lampooned.

I hate this horrible new world.

What I need now is the
comfort of fast food

and slow friends.

Three weeks later.

Shrimp? Who you calling shrimp?

It's prawn time, baby,

at Dead Lobster's Annual Prawn-a-thon!

Grab your bib for crispy popcorn prawn,

wood-grilled prawn skewers
sizzling prawn scampi,


and parmesan-breaded prawns casino

served over ice cold lump prawn.

All washed down with a tropical
Tiki Passion Prawn-tini.


Guys! It's Prawn-a-thon time. Guys!

They wouldn't go without me, would they?

Oh my God, everybody, shut up.

It's the pastor-pusher.

Well, I never.

Why am I always meeting people
who never? Mm.

Hey, "strangers," enjoying
your entrées of embarrassment

about being related to me?

Don't take it personally.

We need to be able to do
some normal family things

without being publicly shamed.

We just want a little
anon-mini-nanom-nini-ninity.

But Prawn-a-thon?

That's our special thon.

I'm so upset I might not ever be able

to get my prawn on again.

Yikes. That has got to
be the saddest thing

ever said in a chain seafood restaurant.

It's not too late, Homer.

I'm here to help you.

Help me? Is this

some kind of prank,
like when those YouTubers

chased me with real machetes?

Wow. And no.

I have created a refuge

where people like you
can find redemption.

I run an institute.
We call it The Institute.

And it might just be your last chance

at rehabilitating your reputation.

Wait, wait,
are you saying you can steam clean,

if you will,

my husband's reputational carpet,
if you will?

I am, and I will. And I will.

The Institute is his only hope.

Well, my reputation is everything to me.

That doesn't jibe with
your past behavior.

I'm tired of reputations
being about past behavior.

I'll do it. Keep it safe.

Here at the Institute,
we break our rehabilitants up

according to the severity
of their mistakes.

- Uh-huh. Yep.

- That makes sense.

- Interesting.

We don't take any Halloween
mishaps more recent than that

because, at a certain point,
you should know better.

Totally.

Homer, meet your team.

Just like you, they all went
stupid viral in a bad way.

First up, Helen Lovejoy,
aka "Lemonade Karen."

Let me see your permit.

Where did you steal these lemons from?

I don't think you're even
from this neighborhood.


Siri, call .

Councilman Jed Hawk,
aka "The Toilet Rocker,"

who always forgets to turn
off his camera and hit mute.

She was a fast machine

She kept her motor clean

American thighs

Oh, no.

Larry Doogan, aka "Pissed-O-Shorty."

He throws tantrums in public.

A lot.

Oh sure, the club's at capacity

as soon as the short guy shows up.

I get it, and I'm pissed-o!

Oh, so you don't have any
blueberry muffins left


for the short man? I'm pissed-o!

I do... realize you only agreed

to spend the rest of your life with me

because I'm short,
and it's pissing-me-o!


Kirk Van Houten, aka "Juice Box Dad."

Come on, Coach Loser,
don't you want to win?


Take... my son... out... of the game!

Oh, yeah, I shared that.

Juice Box Dad.

Wait, how am I supposed
to revive my reputation

associating with these scum?

Watch who you're calling short.

Whoa, somebody's pissed-o.

Siri, call .

Look, everyone, let's just calm down.

Or what? You'll push us
out a stained glass window?

Hey! That was just a careless
accident born out of rage.

Are we sure we have the
right people for this team?

They're awful.

Which is why they're
perfect for this mission.


Here at the Institute, we believe

good works overcome bad days.

So, to fix your reputations,

your team will be doing
public acts of charity.

When we post them online,

they will make your
transgressions a distant memory.

Work together?

Sorry, I don't exactly
play well with others.

Okay, then we'll spend the day

doing a bunch of team-building
improv exercises.

Good deeds! Good deeds!

I'm a fool to do your dirty work

Oh, yeah

- ♪ I don't wanna do

Your dirty work

- ♪ No more

I'm a fool to do your dirty work

- ♪ Oh, yeah.

I can feel my reputation being restored

with each carefully-staged good deed.

Look, it's the people the
Internet told us to hate.

They still hate us.
The plan isn't working.

What do we do now? Call ?

Unfortunately, that was the only way

to get you your lives back.

Well, there is one other way.
No, we can't.

- What?
- No, it's too radical.

Ah, but it's the only thing
that's % guaranteed to work.

Hmm, yeah, it does sound pretty radical.


Thanks for being honest about that.

Well, sometimes
the only way to get results

is through radical action.

Sorry, we took a vote. It's too radical.

Wh...
I didn't even tell you what it is yet.

When you said "radical,"
you said enough. Bye forever.

Look, I thought that
by calling it radical,

you'd be more likely to want to do it.

Like you'd be intrigued or something.

Intrigued, eh?

You are all here at The Institute...

...because of the humiliation you faced

after the world saw
you on your worst day.

But, what if you could delete all that

from every computer,
every phone, every meme,

and even every personal
hard drive on Earth?

But that's impossible.

You'd have to invent
something to do that.

Funny you say that. I did

invent something to do that.

A universal eradication code
that can completely scrub

any image or video
from the entire Internet.

Scrub us. You scrub us right now!

Oh, I would, but first
I need to upload the code

into the one server powerful enough

to reach every corner
of the World Wide Web.

ChumNet.

You mean the company
that puts those annoying

clickbait-y headlines on
the bottom of every website?

Yes, they're everywhere.

No platform has greater reach.

But to upload the scrub
code into their servers,

I need you to break in to
the ChumNet headquarters.

Break in? That sounds dangerous.

It is, Helen.

That was the radical part
I mentioned earlier,

that didn't seem to
land with any of you.

Radical, eh?

Yeah, we don't have anything to lose.

So, we're kind of like a su1c1de squad.

You're exactly kind of
like a su1c1de squad.

What do you say?

I think we can pull this-o.

I say we do it.

We need to fight for each other,
because we're a family.

Aw.

A family I don't want or need.

I miss my actual family,
so let's do this.

But if we're going on
a commando mission,

don't we need some sort of training?

Don't you see?

You've already had
some sort of training.

I'm a fool to do your dirty work

- ♪ Oh, yeah

- ♪ I don't wanna do your dirty work

No more

- ♪ I'm a fool to do your dirty work.

We're in.

Okay, just stay focused

until you find the ChumNet server room.

What about all the people in there?

There are no people. Just clickbait.

So whatever you do,
don't stop to click on anything.

Who falls for this garbage anyway?

Wait, what does she look like now?

" NFL players who live in bad houses.

Number six will shock you."

Well, we'll see about that.

"One simple trick to add

years to your height."

Whoa, these headlines are so tempting.

No! We have to remember our goal.

Erasing our shame and returning
to our pre-pariah lives.

Oh, no.

They're all trapped in endless
slow-loading slideshows.

These houses suck.

Sucks, sucks, sucks.

Number six.

Homer, get them out now!

I just wanted to know which vegetable

gut doctors are begging me to throw out.

It's radishes.
I could have told you it was radishes!

Find the server room, Homer,
you'll be safe there.

This is prawn-demonium!

Ooh.

Okay, straight ahead
is the access port.


Mm...

Insert the flash drive.

Once the scrub code is fully uploaded,

everything will be erased,

and you will return to
a life of anon-min-mity.


Anon-min, Amoni-mity.

It's "anonymity."

Preparing global Internet scrub
for the following individuals.


There we are.

Wait, who are they?
I recognize these people.

They're really terrible.

That guy raised the
price of insulin for fun.

I think that guy was just president,

and those are his kids.

And, oh, my God,

that's the football coach
that does all the cheating!

Yes, Homer.
All evidence of their misdeeds

will be erased too.

But that's different.

Those people did actual bad stuff.

Wow, lot of Russian generals.

Upload at %.

Jeebus crackers.

So the only way to save myself

is to erase the crimes of
history's current monsters?

Oh, wise up, Homer.

Who do you think funded
this entire operation?

Scrubbing these villains

is what The Institute
was always really about.

What do I do?

Wait, I never had a handkerchief.

Oh, this is the apology
Lisa wrote for me.

The upload's nearly complete.

I can think of almost
nothing at the last minute

that will stop us now.

"It is with my family's support

that I will strive to
do the right thing."

I will strive to do the right thing!

Homer, listen,
you don't know what my investors

are capable of doing to people
who don't help them cover up

what they're capable of doing.

You don't know what
I'm capable of doing.

Yoinking this doodad out
of the computer hole.

Internet scrub cancelled.

Idiot! You ruined it!

No, my daughter ruined it

by writing the most genuine
and inspirational apology ever.

You should hear it.

I'm Homer Simpson, and I'm truly sorry.

Sorry, yet also grateful

for this opportunity...

In the annals of time,

there have only been five

truly great public apologies.

But on that day,

the words Lisa wrote,
and Homer somehow read


to everyone in the world,

put those others to shame.

It was deeply soul-searching

and % effective.

Homer was forgiven by all

and beloved forever.

You failed us.

We're gonna do to you
what we did to democracy:

irreparable damage.

The plan was too radical.

Too radical! No, no, no!

Radical...

Radical!

And because of all of you,
from here forward,

I will be the best
Homer Simpson I can be.

There you have it...
a reminder that we could all be

a little more understanding
of one another's humanity.

Up next,

dumb idiot has heart
att*ck on treadmill.

Another plate of shrimp. J.K.

It's prawns.

I should have listened to you all along.

Yeah. Well, mostly, you just

shouldn't have left the dog in the car.

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But he and I have an arrangement.

Shh!
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