20x14 - HBO-No

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

All right, thank you very much.

Guys, great news.

My uncle just d*ed,

so we can use his HBO Max password

until they cancel his credit card.

HBO? Is that the one with
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?

No, you watch Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

where you also go
to buy sweatpants and cat food.

Let's start with Game of Thrones,

which aired eight seasons
and was beloved by America

for six-and-a-half seasons.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(KISSING, SOFT MOANING)

Sorry, Lady Lots a clothes,
it's not happening.

I shouldn't have had
that entire elk for lunch.

That's okay, Jon Yellow snow.

You know, this has been happening a lot

after your week in Mykonos.

Should I try using
the Timothée Chalamet mask?

Could be worth a sh*t.

It's a raven from
my twin sister, Queen Hearsay.

She says her friend told her
that the king is dead.

That's hearsay.

Oh, this one just says,
"Girl, you trippin'."

That's so raven.

(CHUCKLES)

It's time.

I must go to King's Landing

to stake my claim
as the true and rightful heir

to the iron throne.

Be careful, Jon Yellow snow.

I will be handsome,
and that will be enough.

♪ ♪

Ah, Joe the Broken.

I haven't seen you in a fortnight.

Yeah, I've been playing
Over watch lately.

- Where you headed?
- I'm going to King's Landing

- to take the iron throne.
- No way.

You're a pretty rad dude,
Jon Yellow snow.

Yeah, I'm a white guy with
a Jheri curl, so I have to be.

- Mind if I come with?
- Why should I bring you?

Because I can warg. Check it.

Ooh, that felt so good.

I have this cool power,

but I'm not positive how to use it yet.

Now that King Dad's dead,

I want to sit on the iron throne.

Now, don't be too hasty, Joffrey,

you're fourth in line

behind your brothers
Jumpen, Fall um and Splat.

- Aah!
- Jumpen!

- Aah!
- Fall um!

- Aah!
- Splat!

As you are the new king,

I will be whispering
far too close to your ear,

and you should know that I have
a special brooch that I wear.

That's my character.
So, if you need a brooch,

I'll, uh, I'll be here.

Thanks, Lottafinger.

Always good to have a brooch guy.

Hey, whose leg do you have to hump

to get a Dornish wine around here?

What's Uncle Doggian doing here?

- I don't like him.
- Neither do I,

but he is the paw of the king.

He's smart, so we need him.

(CHUCKLES)

I have two skills:
I drink and I know things.

Oh, word? What things do you know?

- Like, so many things.
- What's one?

w*r. Tons about w*r.

- What about it?
- It's bad.

Like, really, super bad.

- Is that all you know?
- No.

Front lines, flanking...

- planking...
- That's yoga.

Uh, I think it's both, but we
can broach that subject later.

Hmm? Somebody say brooch?

- No, man.
- Oh, no worries.

All hail His Grace,
Joffrey of Houses Baratheon

and Lannister, First of His Name,

Lord of the Seven Kingdoms,
and High Score on Mario Kart.

I am Jon Yellow snow,

the one true king
and rightful heir to the throne.

(ALL GASP)

Who's this guy?

I'm Joe The Broken. I can warg.

No way, I love wargers. Show me.

I would, I just...

I don't really
have to go potty right now.

I am Daenerys Targaryen,
Mother of Dragons.

Is there a problem here?

Uh, no, no.
No, uh, n-no problem, really.

I-I just didn't know
the Seven Kingdoms had any, um,

strong, beautiful... persons of color?

Did I-did I get that right?

Well, we out here, literal baby.

Yeah. Right on. Good.

Man, you know, you should've heard me

the other day, I was-I was like...

I was alone, by the way,
nobody heard me...

I was like, "When are the suits
gonna make persons of color

a part of the show,
a small part of the show?"

Joffrey, we have
bigger problems than that.

The white walkers are on their way.

What? How do we know
you're telling the truth?

Because they sent
a very white walker ahead.

Excuse me, do you know if Costco has

any of those Tommy Bahama
beach chairs left?

(GRUNTS)

The battle's tonight, right?
I wasn't being pranked?

STEWIE: The white
walkers are approaching!

- Battle stations!
- (MEN SHOUTING)

Prepare for the most epic battle
of all time

that nobody will see
because it's too dark,

and we'll say it's
because they have bad TVs.

(GROANING)

- (MEN SHOUTING)
- (HORSES NEIGHING)

Everyone! Fire!

- What happened?
- CHRIS: He's dead.

He's alive!

He's dead again.

All sorts of, trust me,

very expensive
and groundbreaking effects.

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop.

That's us. That's us.

Stop, man.

(HORN BLOWING)

- They're giving up and running away.
- (SHOUTING FADES)

Well, the important thing
is we all survived

and won the battle against
the people that can't die.

Don't worry, guys,
I'm gonna be a great king.

What are you gonna do that's so great?

I will make it illegal to say,

"My trainer kicked my butt
this morning."

That's pretty good. Anything else?

I decree that you may post
your wedding photos once.

That's it. Everyone has anniversaries.

That's for you. It's private.

Also, Fleabag was fine.

Oh, I loved Fleabag.

It was fine.

Well, that's the story
of Game of Thrones,

and you can watch it on HBO Max.

And, hey, while I got you here,

why aren't the Real Sex
episodes on HBO Max?

It's part of the catalogue.

Dance with the pervert shut-in
who brung ya.

Flat white for "Hold the Door"?

Hodor? That's me.

That was fun, huh?

Yeah, I love shows

where white people argue about
who's in charge.

Then you're in luck.

The next show is called Succession.

This show is so popular
that almost , people

in New York and Los Angeles
have seen it.

- Surely you're joking, I mean...
- I'm joking, yes, but not by a ton.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(SCREAMING)

As you all know, I am
the most powerful man in media.

But, like Bryan Cox, I can't
find a sport coat that fits.

What up, dicks?

I cuss and I sit weird in chairs.

Now, I'm getting on in years
here at P-Stream Industries,

and it is time I choose my succession.

But I feel great, and I probably
got years left in me.

But it's time for me to step
away and give it to one of you.

None of you are getting this company!

- But I need it to be one of you.
- (ALL GASP)

I'm ready to step up and pee
on carpets if you need me, Dad.

Oh, you think you're ready, big sh*t?

Have you even seen Boss Baby once?

- You said it was scary.
- Only one part.

Okay, I will see everyone
at my birthday party tomorrow.

And remember, I need you all

to start fighting over the company,

but I will be here for a long time.

Man, I love this dad that we all hate.

(THICK ACCENT): Hello, Christopher.

I'm just gonna sit over here

while you quietly wonder which
country I'm supposed to be from.

Happy birthday, Dad.

- Yeah!
- Happy birthday, Pops.

Oh, I don't care about birthdays.

We brought gifts.

Yay, birthdays!

I'll remind you I still haven't
decided who gets the company,

but that my decision will not be made

based on who gives me the best gift.

He-Man! You get the company.

Wait, open mine, Dad.

A Nintendo Switch. You get the company.

Wait, Dad, there's one more.

- What the hell is this?
- I-I just figured,

you love helicopters so much,

maybe you could pretend you were one?

No. Clothes is boring.

This birthday stinks.
Nobody gets the company.

Um, I accidentally
took another carpet whiz,

so Lois says I have to
give one of you the company.

I'll hear presentations at
the corporate retreat next week.

Everyone, put rocks on your napkins.

There are no more rocks.

Okay, guys, guys, rocks are not, like,

a magic thing, all right?

It's anything heavy,
is what the idea is.

- (WHIRRING BLADES STOP)
- Now, welcome, successions.

I'm about to die, and I'm sharp as ever.

Let's start the presentations.

Brian and Stewie?

P-Stream Industries. What does it mean?

Well, perhaps we need to go back.

- All the way bac...
- PETER: No. Just songs.

(JAUNTY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey, Bri?

I was just thinking back
to our London trip.

Did things there seem a bit... odd?

♪ Oh, in London Town,
the tube is the telly ♪

♪ Where the gin is dry
and the feet are smelly ♪

♪ What they call jam ♪

- ♪ We call jelly in Lond... ♪
- No.

I hate this. Stop!

All songs must be country duets.

Chris and Meg, you're up.

(PLAYING "ISLANDS IN THE STREAM")

♪ P-Stream Industries ♪

♪ That is what we are ♪

♪ From one owner to another, oh, oh. ♪

Stop!

After watching how bad
you guys are at singing songs,

I've decided I'm staying
at P-Stream Industries.

(ALL GASPING)

Look, a lot of people
say P-Stream is weak,

but the truth is P-Stream has never been

stronger or more vital.

When I chose to bifurcate P-Stream

people said it was gonna be a mess.

And sure, there's been times
when P-Stream's been in the red.

It hurt, but this isn't the time
for P-Stream to be yellow.

- It's clear now. I am staying.
- Was that just so...

Yeah, it was just about pee,
but I'm staying.

And I'm running the company
with Big Bird,

since he's at HBO now.

I'm actually Gwendoline Christie.

I play Brienne on Game of Thrones.

I fear I may be a bit late.

You get the company.

Peter, pick a better show.

I was barely in that.

What HBO show do you want to do?

Easy. Big Little Lies.

Isn't that a show about five women?

Oh, I suppose it would be better
if it were about five men?

Now that's interesting.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(SIRENS BLARING)

How bad is it?

Real bad.

Now, why would a person poop

at the bottom of a school staircase?

And why are all the men
dressed like Audrey Hepburn

and the women like Elvis?

It was Peter Griffin's idea, sir.

For some reason, Peter always
wants to dress like a woman.

Just as a joke.

Yeah, I sniffed the poop.

I didn't roll in it. I wanted to.

Personally, I think it
all started with that incident

with the Monterey five
on orientation day.

Oh, my God, I love your shirt.

I wear it because I'm poor.

That's charming. I really like you.

Even though I'm poor?

Hon, I like you because you're poor.

Chris and Peter became
a little team after that.

I even saw them holding hands
once under the pier.

Yeah, as a joke.

This is my new poor friend, Chris.

I'm Joe. I sometimes have
soft-focus shower sex

with my abusive wife.

I'm Quagmire.

I'm rich, so I named my daughter

after a recently gentrified city: Boise.

What's your kid's name?

Jacksonville.

That's bad.

(EXCITED SHOUTING)

- Daddy!
- Hey, buddy.

Eyes and ears, please.

Somebody bullied little Boise today.

They said her dad
had the cheapest Tesla.

The one you can't drive very far.

(ALL GASP)

I was an early adopter.

Boise, point to the kid who said that.

- Jacksonville, did you say it?
- No.

He's lying! He needs to apologize.

He didn't do anything.

This isn't over.

Come on, Boise.

Let's go get $ -rhubarb
nonsense ice cream.

Just an FYI, I say a lot
with my hand over my heart

so you know I'm being sincere.

We love that you're here.

We love being here.

I've never had coffee
by the water before.

Since you're not from here,

can I ask if you've been
to a Burger King

and if it's true
they'll give anyone a crown?

I've definitely been in them,

but I'm not positive
about the crown thing.

Be careful in Monterey.

It's not just outdoor
fireplace wine shops

and the opening credits bridge
that's actually in Big Sur.

People talk behind your back here.

But you don't?

No, I don't play those games.

Hey, I'll be right back.
I'm gonna grab another napkin.

Boy, that guy Chris kind of sucks, eh?

I want you and Jacksonville to
come to Stewie's birthday party

at my all-glass house this weekend.

Thank you, Peter. That sounds so civil.

Back to the BK thing...
A Whopper Jr. isn't, like,

younger than a Whopper, right,
it's just a name?

Yeah, it's just a smaller version.

Yeah, that's what Wikipedia said.

I don't know why you'd move from a place

that has a Burger King.

I can't really say why I moved.

- Why did you move?
- I can't really say.

Sorry. I swims around here
because sometimes

the ladies don't finish
their briocheses.

You should take an intense-face run

at Back story Beach.

♪ ♪

(SOBBING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hey, cuties.
Jacksonville, if you'd like,

the kids are in Stewie's room

hitting the nanny with piñata sticks.

Wow, what a great house.

Thanks. It used to be an Apple Store.

I probably shouldn't
keep the glass so clean

during migration season.

Where do you guys live?

We live under a lifeguard tower.

I love how poor you are.

What's Chris doing here?
His kid's a bully.

Just tell us the deal
with Taco Bells, then leave.

Specifically, I'd like to know
if there are actually bells,

- or if it's just tacos.
- Just tacos.

I also think Chris should leave,
but wonder if he'd tell me

if I'm saying this right:

Sbarro.

Like that? The "s" and "b"
really go together?

Cleveland, you agree with me, right?

Well, my wife and I do yoga,

so I don't have to pick a side.

Fine. We're leaving in a huff.

- Cleveland, you leaving.
- Na-ima-stay.

Hey, so can I meet your wife?

No, she's playing with her trains.

There's tension in our relationship,

but I can't say why.

- Why?
- I can't say.

I can't believe
we're doing Big Little Lies,

and I'm the (BLEEP) train guy.

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

So it's decided. We ask Chris

about the Wendy's Frosty,
and if it's a milkshake

or ice cream, then we make him
and his bully son move.

(SNIFFS) Hey, you guys smell that?

(SNIFFS) Smells like poop.

Oh, my God! Somebody pooped

at the bottom of the stairs!

It was Chris.

What? N-No. There is poop down there,

but I would never do that.

Oh, this settles it.

You and your son are psychos,

and you need to move.

It wasn't me!

PETER: He's telling the truth.

- It's my poop.
- (ALL GASP)

Peter, why would you poop

at the bottom of the stairs?

I didn't. I pooped in the
middle of the stairs, and it

slinky'd down to the bottom.
It was very crazy to watch.

- Did you film it?
- I should have filmed it, yeah.

Why'd you do it, Peter?

I eat all fiber and I can't poop at home

because my bathroom is all glass
and faces the ocean.

The boats and fishes look at me.

Why don't you get
a street-facing bathroom?

Lois says it messes up
the aesthetic of the house.

That's why there's
tension in our marriage

and why Lois spends
all her time with the trains.

You're not alone in this, sweetie.

Lois is such a monster!

Fellas, did one of you poop
at the bottom of the stairs?

♪ ♪

ALL: We all did.

In the middle, and it slinky'd down.

- Did you happen to film that?
- I should have filmed it.

That was the beginning of Peter's Law.

Because of the Monterey five,

from that day forward,
Peter's Law stipulated

that every Monterey residence
is required to have

at least one "away from
the ocean" facing toilet.

This is better.

Well, I, for one, am happy to be back

to regular, old Family Guy.

All-women show
and I'm playing with trains.

Yep, it was fun playing dress-up,

but I think we can all agree

that for Sunday night entertainment,

Fox is the place to be.

Do you know those three shows
we spent the night belittling

have Emmys

to our zero?

("FROLIC" BY LUCIANO MICHELINI PLAYING)