♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
So in addition, my client is offering
the townhouse on East rd Street,
the oceanfront estate in Farhampton,
and this bottle...
of single malt Glen McKenna,
valued at $ million.
I was saving this
for a special occasion.
But without my Becky,
no occasion will ever be special again.
Captain...
I don't want your houses.
I don't want your car.
I don't want your private jet.
You're having second thoughts.
Marvelous!
Let's drink to celebrate.
Maybe there's a bar nearby.
Captain...
You broke my heart.
You hit me where it hurts.
So now,
I'm going to hit you where it hurts.
Oh no. Rough seas ahead.
I only want
three things.
Boats, boats...
- Please don't say boats.
- ... boats.
Oh god...
[pop]
BECKY: That's right, Captain.
I'm going to take
all your boats,
and I'm gonna sink 'em!
Every. Last. One of them.
- But, you love boats...
- I hate boats!
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Mom! You left the story off
on you in a restaurant, being stood up.
You've got to stop with this
random rich couple.
Would you trust me?
They're going to come into play soon.
So, I was waiting at the restaurant...
Dear god...
I'm being stood up.
Sophie. Hi!
- Hi.
- I am so sorry.
I was on the train. I bumped
into that guy I got in a fight with.
You remember the dad with
the two -year-old breakdancing twins?
And I was like you shouldn't
make your kids perform like that,
and he was like, "They love it!"
I was like, "They're .
They'd probably also love a dad
who obeyed child labor laws."
Anyway, I didn't want a repeat incident,
so I got off the train, and I ran here.
[clears throat]
Okay, listen.
I wanna start this off right.
I went to see Meredith earlier today.
Uh, she released a single,
and I kind of spun out about it,
and I-I just needed some closure.
I-I hope you can understand that.
Did you get the closure
you were looking for?
I did.
- I'm glad.
- Me, too.
Good.
FUTURE SOPHIE: We'd waited
a long time to get to this moment,
so we decided to take things slow.
That was...
Wow. [Jesse laughs]
Yeah. Uh,
I see your wow,
and I raise you a whoa.
[both laugh]
You think that Thai place delivers?
Maybe.
Or we could just do that again.
Yeah. We'll eat when we're dead.
[both giggle]
On one hand, it's the best
cardiothoracic fellowship
in the country, and I got a spot.
Of course you did, Hannah.
You're like the ideal
cardiothoracic fellow.
Sometimes, I want to puncture
my own lung just so you can fix it.
But it means another year
of long distance.
Year-schmear!
It's this ad I saw for
the cream-cheese-of
the month club, but it applies here, too.
Hannah...
There's only one thing to do.
We've got to become
a bicoastal power couple.
We are going to scrimp and save, so we
can visit each other a lot more often,
and we've got the best of both coasts.
Bagels and burritos, baby.
I do like the sound of that.
You always know just what to say.
You wanna go do it bicoastal style?
What's bicoastal style?
I'm not sure, but I've got an image
of you in a bikini top
and me wearing mittens.
Ooh!
[door opening]
[door closes quietly]
Ellen, where have you been?
I can't sleep. I need
you to do that thing
where you scratch my back
and sing Enya to me.
And why do you have a cat?
Well, first I had
my interview at Goliath Market,
which did not go well.
- Ellen, hi.
- Hi.
I'm Mark, the lead producer buyer.
Lead produce buyer?
So, you're like the... head of lettuce.
Y-you know, the head of lettuce?
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
Th-the head of...
After my interview, I went on OkCupid
'cause I thought a
date might cheer me up,
but the woman showed
up with her husband.
And then I realized
that I had set my settings to
"couples only" for months.
When I finally got home,
I found this little lady
outside the building.
Think she's exactly what
I need right now. [meow]
An emotional support animal.
[growling] Look at us.
We're totally bonding.
[hissing]
Had something of a night myself.
Valentina let slip
that she wants kids someday.
And I absolutely do not.
Really?
But, you're a bossy narcissist
with a sentimental streak.
I know. I mean, on paper,
I'm a born parent.
It's just...
[cat hisses, growls]
Having children turned my mother
into a mean, spiteful woman,
and I want to be kind and generous
and not the sort of person who throws
jewelry at their
children in a fit of rage
whenever the Duchess of Cornwall
cancels tea time.
Charlie, you and Valentina are still
a very new relationship.
Valentina's nowhere near
ready to have a baby.
- [bed creaking]
- Hi, Ellen. How'd the interview...
[gasps] Kitty! [cat growling]
Oh hi, little baby!
[growling continues]
Aw...
Mama loves you. Yeah. [meow]
[giggles]
SOPHIE'S MOM: We fell asleep
after an amazing night,
and all felt right with the world,
- until...
- I love you, Sophie.
♪
♪
- Hey, you.
- Ah!
I mean...
hey! [Jesse laughs]
Last night was pretty great, huh?
I mean, two times?
What are we, p*rn stars?
[both laugh]
I think keeping the laptop off
my crotch has really paid off.
FUTURE SOPHIE: Son,
I'm not proud of this,
but I wasn't used to guys
wearing their hearts on their sleeves,
and it freaked me the F out.
You gotta go now.
I mean, I've got to...
start getting ready for my gallery show.
- Really? Already?
- Mm-hmm.
It's not for, like, hours.
Yeah. But then, I...
You know, I gotta shower.
And then another shower,
and maybe squeeze in one more shower.
One thing you're going to learn
about me is I love showers.
- Uh, okay.
- Tata for now!
Wow.
All turned around
from two times with Jesse.
Wow. I have never planned two
weddings for one couple before.
Love the Pinterest board
you sent over, by the way.
Yeah! Dope boards, huh? You like
the rustic chalkboard table signs?
Truly inspired.
I've never seen anything like it before.
Anyway, here's what I think
we're looking at price-wise
- for the New York wedding.
- HANNAH: Okay.
Uh... I had to move my head
to get to the end of this number, Lisa.
This is too long of a number.
And here's what I think we're looking
at for the Indian wedding.
Oh my god, you better
tell me that's in rupees!
What did you think
this was going to cost?
You're supposed to
enter on a white horse.
I can get you a great deal
on a white horse. Do not ask me how.
Okay, you can ask me how.
- How?
- How?
You've heard of Tiger King?
- SID: Yeah.
- Well,
I am in an on-again,
off-again relationship
with the White Horse King.
And right now, we are on, baby.
- She fits perfectly in my arms.
- [purrs]
It's like they were made for you...
Oh god.
I also just...
adore her. [laughs] [howling]
- Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
- Whoa!
I can't take this anymore. Valentina...
I don't want kids, okay?
Not now. Not ever.
- Uh... What?
- Yesterday, you said, "One day,"
"we'd watch soccer
with our future children," and I...
care about you too much
to not be honest with you.
I'm never going to want children.
Oh.
Got it.
- Claw-kward.
- [growling]
I don't understand why you're
suddenly freaking out about costs!
You're the one who wanted
a second international wedding.
Yeah, when I thought our lives were
about to get way less expensive.
Like, Hannah, I thought, we were gonna
live in one city and
share one apartment,
not constantly be flying
across the country
to maintain some semblance
of a relationship.
What happened to us being
a bicoastal power couple?
Hannah, what do you want me to say?
Babe, I support you,
but we both know doing this
for another year, it's...
It sounds hard as hell.
Sounds like you're not
even sure we should be planning
one wedding, let alone two.
[sighs]
Bad news.
Me and the White Horse
King are off again.
We're off.
FUTURE SOPHIE: I showed up at the guys'
apartment before my gallery show,
determined to talk about
the sleep "I love you"
and move past it.
After all, he was pretty damn cute.
- Hey.
- Hey.
♪ Soft, romantic music ♪
I, uh, I took the liberty of...
making you a peach margarita.
I even hand-muddled the peaches myself.
That's right. I muddle.
[clink]
- Mm!
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[clears throat]
Jesse, last night, something...
funny happened,
and it's no big deal.
It-it kinda freaked me out,
and I just wanted to talk about it.
Okay, I'm not normally
completely hairless down there.
It's just I was listening to
a podcast while I was manscaping,
and I just completely lost track
of what I was doing.
No, not that.
Although, I, uh, was wondering.
Last night in your sleep, you...
told me you loved me.
Oh god. I did?
This is worse than when I sleep-sang
Tradition from Fiddler on the Roof
at overnight camp.
In case you're wondering,
I remained a virgin that summer.
God, I already feel
better that we're talking,
and we could just laugh
about this together.
Me first. Ha! That was so crazy!
I mean, it's not that crazy.
Well, it's not like we're two
strangers who just met at a bar.
We've been friends for a while now.
We've built a solid foundation.
I even said no to going on tour
with Meredith for you.
- You did what?
- Oh yeah.
Meredith wanted me
to play piano for her on tour.
She also basically said
she wanted to get back together,
and both of those things would have been
a dream come true a
few weeks ago, but...
Hey, I-I didn't even give it
a second thought because...
I'm crazy about you.
♪
Jesse, I...
I like you, too.
It...
It's kind of a lot to hear
that you gave up going on tour for me
because it's what
you always dreamed of doing.
So-so...
what are you saying?
You think I should have gone?
I don't know. Maybe.
If you only said no for me,
and this is brand new. I mean,
we don't even know
if this is going to work out.
Got it. Uh...
So, you think I should
go on tour with my ex.
I read you loud and clear, Sophie.
I-I don't know what to say.
Uh, I do. I-I'd like you to go.
♪
Please.
FUTURE SOPHIE:
I had no idea what to do.
I mean, part of me
wanted to run back in there
and to tell him that
I had made a huge mistake.
But the other part of me
wanted to run as far
as humanly possible.
I decided to split the difference
and go to the bar downstairs
to clear my head.
Hm.
This is what this place looks like.
Weird we never come in here.
Uh, one whiskey, please.
Up, neat, and on the rocks.
That is not an order that makes sense.
Oh. [laughs]
Yeah, I-I don't actually know
how to order whiskey.
It's just been a day, and...
it seems like the kind of thing
that people order
when they're feeling a little extra...
WOMAN: Good extra or bad extra?
♪
Oh my god.
Robin Scherbatsky?
I know you from the news.
[laughs]
Hear that, Carl? She's a fan.
I have fans.
Yeah, most famous people
don't go around saying,
"I have fans," but okay.
What was that, Carl? I didn't hear you.
I was focused on my fan.
I mean, seriously, my friend Valentina
and I are obsessed with you.
I remember th-the story
you did on the bullfighters,
where you actually
got in the ring and got...
BOTH: Gored by a bull.
I loved that so much.
You're kind of a mean fan, huh?
No! No, no. Seriously,
it was so bad-ass.
Well, it was bad for my ass.
The ER doc in Seville spent six hours
tweezing bullhorn fragments
from my left butt cheek.
But, uh, back to you.
Was today "good" extra
or "bullhorn to the ass" extra?
Really?
A big famous reporter
wants to hear about my stupid love life?
[sighs] Very, very much, actually.
Back in the day, my friends
and I wasted years in this very bar,
talking about our stupid love lives.
I stop in here whenever
I'm in the neighborhood.
- Hm.
- So,
please tell me your stupid love story.
Bring me back to the good old days.
Okay. [laughs] Well...
It all started in the back of an Uber.
Nice.
Not like that.
Boo.
I-I'm surprised that you're
so gung ho about this.
I'd assumed that we
were on the same page.
I know kids seem
very off brand for me, but...
I want it all.
A big career,
a big love story,
and a big family.
You really...
don't think you'll change your mind?
I don't think so.
You?
- I don't think so.
- [door opens]
[door shuts] [cat meowing]
She just reached under my bra
and scratched my nipple.
I think I'm in an abusive relationship
with my emotional support animal.
Maybe you guys just need
more time to bond.
No.
Time won't help.
Time hasn't helped my dating life.
It hasn't helped my job search.
It's not gonna help my relationship
with this feral cat.
Nothing is coming up Ellen.
[meow]
Say goodbye to Kate
Meow-Kinnon, everyone.
[growls]
- Rachel?
- Oh, perfect.
It's the girl who pretended to be
my dead grandma's best friend
to try to get in my pants.
Oh...
Just Ellen is fine.
Is everything okay?
No.
I was moving into
my grandma's apartment yesterday,
and somehow, in all the craziness,
my cat went missing.
I'm your cat!
Sorry. I got too excited
and I tanked that.
But, I think...
I found your cat
wandering outside last night.
Oh my god,
my sweet baby!
Aw, you found Cal!
So, you took care of her last night?
Yeah. I...
Thought she could be
my emotional support cat, but...
She hates me.
So, you two have that in common.
I don't hate you, Ellen.
You just made a really
insane first impression.
But maybe we deserve a second chance.
Achoo!
Oh...
How about a third chance?
Okay, just so I'm clear,
you were really excited
to try being with this guy Jesse.
Right? But now that he's all in,
you're not excited.
Kind of. Uh...
We just got together, and now,
he's turning down tours for me
and dropping sleep "I love you's"?
Like, it's too much too soon.
I once had a guy say,
"I love you," on our first date.
Wow. [laughs] You win.
Dude sounds like a real piece of work.
You have no idea. [laughs]
But, a good piece of work.
Which brings me to my advice.
Do not waste your time
being scared, Sophie.
Fear can make you run away from things
that could be good, great even.
Things that are supposed
to be a part of your story.
So, really think about it.
What did Jesse do wrong
other than say everything
you ever wanted a guy to say
just faster than you expected?
Nothing.
He did nothing wrong.
I'm just...
- scared.
- There it is.
Sophie, I have been married,
I've been single,
I have been everything in between.
And the only decisions I regret making
are the ones I made out of fear.
So do me a favor, okay?
Time travel years into the future
and ask future you, "Future me",
"what do I wish I'd done years ago,
"the night I met smoking hot,
"yet somehow still full of gravitas,
news superstar Robin Scherbatsky?"
And whatever future you says,
do that.
Okay.
I've got to go talk to Jesse!
You know, the-the truth is
my feelings about love
are complicated
because I never knew my dad,
and my mom's relationships were a mess.
Yeah, maybe save unpacking
your whole childhood for Jesse.
I have a limo picking me up in .
Yeah. Save it for Jesse. Okay.
Robin, thank you.
Good luck.
♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ When we made love ♪
♪ You used to cry ♪
♪ Said I love you like the stars above ♪
♪ I love you till I die ♪
♪ There's a place for us ♪
♪ You know the movie song... ♪
♪ soft music ♪
I went to talk to Jesse...
No need to thank me. Just, you know,
name your first born Robin. [laughs]
And I-I walked in
on him with this ex.
Well, I was more helping
you get to the place
where you made that decision, so...
[sighs]
Y... Maybe,
he's not such a bad guy, this Jesse.
If I've learned
anything at all about love,
it's that timing is everything.
And sometimes, timing's a bitch.
Speaking of, I'm sorry,
but I have a dinner with, uh,
Savannah Guthrie and Katie Couric.
- You're gonna be okay.
- You promise?
I do.
But, I'll meet future you
back here in years
for a drink just to make sure.
- It's a date.
- Good.
But that one's on you.
Mama's not made of money.
FUTURE SOPHIE:
And so, I headed to the exhibition
to see one of my photos hanging
in a real New York gallery
for the very first time.
I was determined to enjoy my moment
and forget about
any boy drama for the night.
Easier said than done.
♪
Ms. Tompkins, is that you?
Oh my god. It is you.
You are, like, my favorite photographer.
[excited squeal]
I'm so proud of you! [laughs]
Guys, thank you for coming.
[laughing]
What's... What's going on with you?
Okay, fine. I have a date
with the most beautiful girl
in the whole world.
And that's not all.
[musical ringtone]
- Hello?
- Ellen.
It's Marc from Goliath Market.
I just got your joke.
I'm the head of lettuce.
[laughs]
You're hilarious.
I'm offering you the job.
Oh my god! Congrats!
Thank you! Thank you.
I bet I'm the most successful lesbian
named Ellen in the whole world.
Oh.
There she is! Lady of the hour.
Oh, you guys. Thank you for coming.
I know you're just slammed
with wedding planning.
Oh, uh, actually,
we are not slammed anymore.
Wide open, actually.
- Because we're married!
- Oh!
[all exclaiming]
[overlapping congratulations]
- HANNAH: Oh, thank you!
- ELLEN: Congrats!
Thanks. The weddings were just getting
so stressful and expensive.
We were like, you know what?
Let's just go to City Hall, get it done.
Well, I think this calls
for a toast, hm?
[Sid laughs]
Hey, where's your muse, by the way?
He's...
he's not coming.
- Soph, what happened?
- Um...
Not tonight.
Sid and Hannah look so happy.
Who knows?
Maybe you and Charlie are next.
Um...
I don't think so. Um...
We broke up.
- Oh, Val...
- Not tonight.
Tonight, we celebrate my friend Sophie,
the most talented
photographer in New York City.
So, let's get back to those rich
strangers going through a divorce.
SOPHIE'S SON: What? No!
This is not a good time
to return to those boat freaks!
Oh, you're wrong.
It's the perfect time.
And as Robin Scherbatsky taught me,
timing is everything.
I hate boats!
I haven't hurt this bad since
someone stole that pineapple
off my front doorstep in aught five.
Oh, fine.
You can have all the boats,
but not the one in Australia.
What those marine biologists
are doing down there is important!
They're trying to help
coral reef procreate.
SOPHIE'S SON: Oh my god.
So, the Captain owned the boat that...
- That's right.
- So, what happened?
Did Becky let them continue the mission?
♪
Weird. That guy...
looks just like...
FUTURE SOPHIE: No, she did not.
Ian.
♪ For one more try ♪
♪ At a happy life ♪
[sighs]
♪ So, what do you say? ♪
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is this a good time?
♪