04x08 - Aging, Not So Gracefully

[bunniefuu]

[PAULA ABDUL'S "OPPOSITES
ATTRACT" PLAYING OVER TV]

Paula Abdul really knows
how to pick a man.

I love her.

She doesn't know you're alive.

Well, that's gonna change.

I know some people in high places
who have some friends who told me

her number's on the Internet.

Oh, Lord, she ran into a wall again.

No, she's taking waltzing lessons.

It is a great way to exercise.

I'm just having trouble
finding a partner.

Zelda?

I don't plan on being reduced
to dancing with my sister

until they put us in the home.

I've got to talk to Harvey.
No time for eating.

- How about a waltz?
- How about no?

She kissed Josh last night,
and Harvey saw them.

What? And no one called me
at waltz class to tell me?

I want that.

There.

Great. A fake talking cat.

Just what we need around here.

So Sabrina kissed Josh,
and Harvey saw them?

- Tell me everything.
- That's everything.

You go, girl.

SABRINA: Hey.
- Hey.

Enough small talk.

Listen, Harvey,

I want to explain to you about that thing
that happened with Josh.

By "thing," you mean the kiss, right?

Let's not argue over semantics.

Look, I didn't plan to kiss him.

- But you looked like you enjoyed it.
- Enjoy?

Well, now we're getting
into semantics again.

PAULA [OVER MACHINE]:
Hi, leave a message

and I'll get back to you.
If this is that weird guy, Salem,

stop weeping into my phone.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[SOBBING]

All right,
when a woman's avoiding you,

a man has to be a man
and has to do the manly thing:

Pretend to be kidnapped.

We figured you'd be home for lunch.

So how did things go with Harvey?

He's not speaking to me.

The Josh kiss was that good, huh?

I don't know what to do.

I like Harvey
and I don't wanna lose him,

but I like Josh too.

Well, I always say,
don't take your foot off the dock

until the other one
is securely on the ship.

- What?
- What?

Until you're sure Josh is interested,
keep one foot on Harvey.

Hilda, that's dishonest.

Really? It sounds kind of perfect.

You know
you shouldn't treat people like that.

Put yourself in Harvey's place.

Watch out. This spell is never pretty.

[CHANTING]
Of empathy

This girl has very few traces

Allow Sabrina and Harvey
To trade places

Harvey.

Oh, hey, Sabrina.

This is my girlfriend, Sarah.

What? But I'm your girlfriend.

Were.

Until I figured out whether things
were gonna work out with Sarah.

They are.

Okay, upsetting and creepy.

In your heart, you know
that honesty is the right way to go.

Fine. It's a lot more fun
talking to Aunt Hilda.

Harvey,
I have to be honest with you.

Great.

That's what coach says right before,
"Your best effort isn't good enough."

I wanna be your girlfriend,
but I have feelings for Josh too,

and I don't want to string you along.

Unless that's something
you're interested in.

You know, I've been second string
in football, basketball, even badminton.

I don't wanna be second string
with you.

Harvey.

Hey, I hope you and Josh are happy.

[SIGHS]

[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]

I am so sick of leading.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Oh!

Ugh. It's never Fred Astaire.

SALEM:
My kidnapping plan is under way.

I haven't called Paula Abdul
in whole minutes.

I'm sure she's in a panic
about my kidnapping.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
OVER HEADPHONES]

I love my life.

Can I be honest? Honesty stinks.

Has Josh said anything
about the kiss?

No. And I gave him my best "Hi, Josh,"
all I got back was a "Hey."

- I don't think he likes me.
- He kissed you.

That was hours ago.
Maybe he's moved on.

Oh, why did I tell Harvey
that I like Josh?

But I do like Josh.

I can make him like me.

Hey, Josh, can I borrow that
when you're finished?

My textbook
on th-century philosophy?

- Yeah, I can't get enough of it.
- You can't?

I think your cocoa's getting cold.

Knock yourself out.

Thanks. Ha-ha.

He hates me.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

She came in through the clock.
I have no idea what she's saying.

Somebody please tell me
what's going on.

Oh, well, I could have done that.

- What is your name?
- Marie Curie.

Madame Curie,
the famous scientist?

- This is an honour.
- It certainly is.

How do we get rid of her?

Well, we have to figure out what
caused her to become lost in time.

Madame,
what year do you think this is?

.

. Let's see.

That was before she won
the Nobel Prize

with her husband, Pierre.

Pierre? Ptoo! We are finished.

He is a worm. Ptoo!

Obviously,
they don't give a prize for manners.

Hey, I'm actually not working
Saturday night.

Hey, you're not working, either.
Any plans?

No, not really.

Well, I don't have any plans, either.

Weird.

So you like sci-fi movies, right?

Oh, yeah.

If mankind is in peril
and it's in black and white, I'm there.

Well, they're showing my favourite,
The Blob.

Steve McQueen and a big tub of goo.
What else do you need in a movie?

Well, it's playing
at the student union,

and since we're both not working,
and we're both sci-fi fanatics,

we should go.

- What, you mean, like a date?
- A date?

Well, that never really crossed
my mind, but are you asking?

Look, Sabrina, I like you a lot.

And obviously, as evidenced
by that little kiss the other night,

I find you attractive.

So you'll pick me up at ?

- But I'm so much older than you.
- Four years.

I'm glad you see my point.

I really think it would be better
if we just stayed friends.

He thinks I'm "too young" for him.

Did he use air quotes
or did he really mean too young?

I guess I do come off my own age.

I saw Harvey jumpstart
his car today.

- Significance?
- We used to do that together.

I was always the negative.

So what you're saying is,
you'd really rather be with Harvey.

No, it's not that. It's just...

I need to make myself
seem more sophisticated.

- For Harvey?
- No, for Josh.

Okay, now my head hurts.

Sabrina, my many years on this Earth
have taught me one thing:

You can't control love.

Meanwhile,
I need you to cut some words

out of those magazines for me.

"Kidnapped. Million dollars."

- What is this for?
- The-- A...

Pictionary?

Hey, peeps.

I hear Phi Beta--

Max is having a big party tonight.
Who's in?

- Aren't you in high school?
- She's a senior at Westbridge.

Got to go.

So I signed up for this waltz class.

It's great exercise and fun.

I just need a partner.

So, what do you say?

No.

Fine.

Oh, by the way, Tintin, not funny.

Where am I gonna find
a dance partner?

My foyer. Ha-ha.

Look who came through the clock.

Pierre Curie.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[CHUCKLES]

Obviously, he's here for Marie.

I'm sure the minute they see
each other, everything will be fine.

[MARIE SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Marie. Ptoo!

No wonder our French grandmother
covered her sofas in plastic.

I don't suppose you waltz?

Oh, well, it's been years, but... Hmm.

[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]

You're so good.

- And so French.
- Oh.

Hilda? Hilda.

Excuse me. Heh-heh.

Can we focus?

We have got to get
the Curies back together.

Now here's the plan.

You find out from Pierre
what attracted him to Marie,

and I'll find out the same
from Marie.

- We'll have to win their confidence.
- Well, good point.

And what better way
than by dancing? Heh-heh.

Okay, the mortal way of looking older
is not working.

- So magic is the only answer.
- Let me.

[CHANTING]
Sabrina's down and hurt

Make her as old as dirt

SABRINA: Oh, yeah.
Josh will just sweep me away.

Don't do that again.

Josh is hung up on the fact
I'm in high school,

- so I just have to be a little older.
- Ooh.

This looks like a good one.

"To enhance your years
Try a potion

Check out the counter
Of notions and lotions"

"Oil of Old Age. Apply to your face
and throat, and you'll age gracefully."

How do you feel?

Like I'm ready to backpack
across Europe.

All right, that's gotta be early s.

So tell me, Pierre,
what attracted you to Marie?

Whoo! Tell me later. Ha-ha.

Madame--

Marie, what attracted you to Pierre?

He had a laboratory and no debts.

Oh. So it was a love match.

MAN: Whoa!
MEN: Hey.

Hello. Heh.

- May I buy you a cup of coffee?
- Do you think they sell that here?

[ALL LAUGH]

I'm loving this. I feel so mature,
so confident and just smooth.

This spell is the best.

Why did I make such a big deal
about four years?

Ha-ha-ha. I'm posting that
on my website tonight.

Josh at o'clock.

Oh, hi, Josh.

Listen, is it too late for me
to change my mind about that movie?

No, we can go see The Blot--
I mean, The Blob.

Good. First, dinner.

Then, scary monsters.

BOTH:
Yes.

You know, magic does have
a certain sense of whimsy, doesn't it?

Latte.

- Sabrina?
- Oh, hello, Harvey.

It's nice to see you again.

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

- That's weird.
- All right, class, let's settle down.

Hello, Barbara.
Are you available for lunch?

I'm good next Friday.

Sabrina, I need some help.

I've thought that for years, but now
is not the time. Josh is waiting.

I just need you to take a picture of me
with today's newspaper.

- Why?
- Eee-- Lawsuit.

High school
has really taken a toll on that girl.

Well, I'll have the burger and fries.

Do you have any fish?

Do you have any fish
that isn't breaded and deep fried?

Just water for me.

Saving room
for the mile-high mud cake?

No.

Listen, Sabrina, we haven't really
talked about the other night,

and I know I've been sending
mixed signals--

I'm glad you brought it up.
I need to know your intentions.

Intentions? It's our first date.

The perfect time to find out
if this relationship's going anywhere.

Well, I don't know, I mean,
we're at different points in our lives.

I'm thinking about graduate school,
a career--

And I'm thinking about kids
and a career.

Mister, I want it all, but I can't make
that happen with Peter Pan.

Now, I need to know,
are you in it for the long haul?

Screaming babies,
stretch marks, the works?

That's a good question.

And it's gonna require
some careful thought.

And I should get started
on that thinking right now.

And to think I just threw away
the last three minutes with that man.

So I discovered that this blue liquid
can replace a centrifuge.

Amazing.

Zelda, be my partner.

Really?

But what about Pierre?

Pierre. Ptoo!

Well, it would be an honour to work
with one of the great minds of all time.

Maybe you shouldn't go back.

We can win a Nobel Prize.

[GLASS SHATTERS, SIZZLING]

I was planning
on refinishing that floor anyway.

Hilda, dancing with you
is like gliding on air.

- Only sweatier.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

- You're graceful and witty.
- Oh!

I'm sorry,
but you're not going back.

Hi, Sabrina. This is Pierre.

- Are you okay? You look tired.
- Bad night.

I think I'm just gonna curl up with a
romance novel and some Epsom salts.

You too?

[SNEEZES]

Wait, ho, never leave the house
without a tissue, dear.

I left my lunch at home.

Wait a minute. Heh.

Ah! Yup, I thought so.

Fibre wafers.

Filling, and they keep things moving.

You're welcome. These kids today
have no home training.

Oh, Harvey, stand up straight.

- Have you been getting enough sleep?
- Hold still, you've got a little schmutz.

This isn't because we broke up,
is it?

No, dear. Heh.
I need a more mature man.

You're so cute.

[RINGS]

- Hello?
- Did you get the photos?

Yes, and the ransom note too.

See, the problem is,
I don't know you.

So I really don't care
who took your cat.

But see, the cat is actually...

I don't think
I thought this one through.

Stir that solution.
Get me the chloride.

Stop ordering me around.

Besides,
you already spilled it on the floor.

And be careful because it's...

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Flammable.

Shouldn't you be cleaning?

You seem a little sluggish today.

Why don't we take a break.

Just until my feet stop bleeding.

Oh, please, we're just warming up.

I'm beginning to not like him.

She is destroying my lab,

and I think she may have done
some damage to my lungs.

Well, whether they like it or not,
they are gonna sit down and talk.

What about Renee,
Marianne, Michelle,

you dance with them all.

Makes you feel special, huh?

What about Luc,
Jean, Jean-Luc, Henri?

You're just jealous because
he is the scientist you will never be.

- Ouch. Your turn.
- I am going back to work.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Go back to work. That is what you do
best. Work, work and more work.

How badly do we need radium?

Oh. Tuck in your shirt, boy,
you're at work.

Excuse me, ma'am, but we've
cancelled our early bird special.

It's me. Sabrina.

And that's a lovely name.

Would you like me to call
Dial-A-Ride for you?

You're a real wisenheimer.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, look,
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

You say you like me and I'm trying
to show you that I'm mature--

[COUGHING]

You just don't seem interested.
I don't get it.

You are really scaring me, lady.

And I wore my cutest outfit.

- Hi, Harvey.
- Hi.

Hey, are you related
to Sabrina Spellman?

Well, suddenly,
everyone's a comedian.

I gotta get home.
My hammertoe is k*lling me.

Why don't I help you?

These sidewalks have broken hip
written all over them.

[MARIE AND PIERRE ARGUING]

It's our duty
to get them back in time.

- We've got to think of something.
- I know.

When he's through arguing,
he's gonna wanna dance again,

and I can't take it.

[THUD]

What was that?

Maybe she k*lled him.

It was only a lamp.

[MARIE GIGGLES THEN GASPS]

- My vase.
- Oops.

- My little butterfingers.
- Butterbody.

I'm so much more comfortable
with you than that tall blond.

Hilda. The name's Hilda.

Let it go.
The freaks are back together.

I have to get a walker.

This lady said she lives here.

That's Sabrina's grandmother.

- I am not.
- She also thinks the w*r is still on.

Heh-heh. Come on, Grammy.

Thanks for bringing her home.

Well, she reminded me of Sabrina.

What are you talking about?
I look darn cute.

She can't see her true reflection.

[SCREAMS]

How could this happen?

I thought Oil of Old Age
was supposed to be safe.

You're supposed to use it sparingly,

unless this is the look
you were going for.

Why would you do such a thing?

I was trying to look older so that
Josh would be interested in me.

Oh, I've played that game.

I've changed myself into a princess,
a farmer and a wombat.

Believe me,
being a princess was the worst.

Did your age bring you any wisdom?

Yes. I learned that I can't be
what Josh wants me to be.

I have to be myself.

Although,
the beds at the castle were comfy.

If Josh doesn't want you
for who you are,

then he's not
who you're meant to be with.

I never had to work this hard
with Harvey.

We were so comfortable together.

- And I enjoyed my steed.
- Stop it.

I miss Harvey.
It was nice of him to walk me home.

He's a nice boy.

Yeah, but he'll never wanna be
with me if I smell like Vaporub.

Your youth isn't gone forever.

Drink this prune juice.

Do you think it's too late
to cancel that adjustable bed?

Sabrinie, will you cut off my ear
and place it in this envelope?

Gross. What is your problem?

All right, all right.

It's for Paula Abdul.

I faked my own kidnapping
so she would pay attention to me.

Does she know who you are?

Why does everyone think
that's a necessary part of love?

Look, I learned the hard way.
It really is better to be honest.

Fine. I'll try it your way.

But van Gogh
really got the babes, right?

So wasn't that the weirdest
allergic reaction ever?

You do seem better.

And I have to tell you that after trying
to like philosophy and science fiction

and everything else you like,
I decided you were right to begin with.

- We are better off as friends.
- Friends.

So maybe sometime,
we can do each other's hair?

Just friends,
with a cute, smart, funny girl.

I'm an idiot.

Hey, have you seen Harvey?
I can't wait to make up with him.

Uh-oh.

See you at lunch.

All right.

- Who was that?
- Oh, that's Colette.

We're kind of seeing each other.

Oh, so you're doing okay?

Yeah, I'm doing okay.

I guess I'll see you around.

Yeah, see you.

Colette?
She doesn't look French to me.

I've lost Harvey forever.

Men.

"Dear Paula Abdul, sorry I lied
about the free diamond giveaway,

but thank you
for coming to my house.

I have been going around doing things
to try to impress you,

but I've decided
I just have to be who I am.

Hopefully, you will like that person.

I'm not supposed to tell you this,
but I'm very high up in the CIA.

Very high up."

Why do you keep staring at me?

"I can't meet with you, because
I'm away on a dangerous mission.

But I would like you
to comfort my cat."

SALEM [IN VOICEOVER]:
Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please.

Heh. Oh, oh.