04x11 - Salem and Juliette

[bunniefuu]

How about a neurosurgeon?

No, thanks. I'm in a toast mood.

Salem's filling out a questionnaire
for his high school reunion.

Apparently, it's a work of fiction.

"I perform lobotomies in the off season
when I'm not playing free safety

for the Dallas Cowboys."
You left out where you sit around

- and scratch your butt.
- This reunion's gonna be great.

Seeing all my old cronies.
Pretending I know about the brain.

How are you gonna explain the fact
that you have four legs, pointy ears,

and a furry belly,
Mr. Convicted Felon?

I got it all figured out.

No one will care that I slipped up
playing the morality game

as long as I walk into that reunion
with a gorgeous trophy on my arm.

Allow me.

[SALEM MOANING
THEN THUD]

SALEM:
I meant Susan Anton.

So it's my first issue
as newspaper editor.

So I need a lead story that's expl*sive,
that's exclusive.

Something
that's front-page material.

Well, I'm willing to give you
an inside scoop on the football team.

I've made the first string of people
who are up for the first string.

Congratulations.
But what I need is a w*r.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Hey, what are you doing?

I did a kiss-me spell.

It's a fast and easy way
to make mortal friends.

Yeah, if you wanna
be called fast and easy.

Ms. Editor,
have we got a headline yet?

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Oh, my.

A public display of affection,
although never practised in my family,

is healthy.

Tell no one.

See, in the mortal realm,
making friends takes time.

DREAMA:
That girl has got lots of friends.

Ms. Spellman.

Ms. New Girl.

Loitering in the hallway.

Loitering next to Ms. Spellman.

You know, I should get
these detention slips printed up

with your letterhead.

A Montblanc pen?
Where'd you get that?

At the none-of-your-business store.

I'm cruising to find a date
for the reunion.

The babes love a sports car.

They particularly like one
they can fit in.

You know nothing about women.

I don't get it.

My doctor says I'm anaemic,
but I've been eating all this red meat.

It looks more like blue-grey meat.

Is it just me, or has the cafeteria food
gotten worse this year?

[STUDENT HEAVING]

It's not just you.

So, what do you think about this
for my front page?

It's completely blank,
except for the headline which reads:

"No news is good news."

If you decide to go with the
me-maybe-making-first-string story,

I'll be available for photos.

I'll have my people call your people.

Should meat sweat like that?

Dreama, what happened?

[WHISPERING] I'm not really hurt,
but look at all the friends I've got.

And I might even get
handicapped parking.

Dreama, there's more to life than getting
into -Eleven before everyone else.

Sorry,
I should have zapped in a pillow.

Wow, nice running shoes,
and pricey.

Mm-hm. The better to
chase you with, my dear.

No gum chewing.

Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe.

- What does this look like to you?
- Drain clog?

Bad toupee?

This is what Harvey was eating
for lunch.

You're never having dinner
at the Kinkles again.

Come on, we've gotta get to our
Witch Watch Workshops. Ready?

We found out
from the Witches' Council

that we have to be trained
and licensed to run the clock shop.

Well, good luck,
and try not to come home

while I'm throwing my huge party.

Very funny.

While we're gone,
will you keep an eye on Salem?

Why? He's a grown cat.

He's having trouble finding a date
for this reunion.

And I think it's depressing him.

Salem, are you okay?

I was fine until you stepped
on my nah-nah's.

I have six dates for tonight.

Driving the prison van
does not constitute a date.

No, I put an ad
in the Other Realm personals.

I'm meeting six ladies.

And I have to decide which one
is gonna be Salem's arm candy

for the reunion.

[SALEM GRUNTING]

[CLUCKS]

We didn't have any iced tea.

SABRINA:
Is that a purse?

It's European. Get some culture.

Mrs. Quick,
I've got a story for the front page.

I'm all ears, Sabrina.

Day after day, I watch my boyfriend
eat massive quantities

of so-called red meat
from the cafeteria.

I know you're young and in love.

- But give me a headline I can use.
- Cafeteria-gate.

There's no ham in the burger,
no meat in the loaf,

and no sloppy in the Joe.

- Well, you know what I mean.
- A meat scandal.

Perfect,
we'll blow the lid off this school

right after the pep rally.

Just as I suspected, there is no meat
in this Salisbury steak.

But there is a family of paramecia,
and even they're gagging.

Can I have my lunch back?

Sabrina, remember how you
were looking for the lead

to break your lunchroom story?

- Yeah?
- I've got it, baby.

Walk. Don't run.

Ooh, I can see the headlines now,
"Kraft Gets Chair."

Open your eyes, girl.
He's only a civil servant.

And there ain't no budget
for a Chippendale settee.

If the school money
isn't going to buy meat,

then it must be going to...

Mr. Kraft.

DREAMA:
Be my friend.

Be my friend.

I have a pool.

Salem, I'm checking on you
like I promised my aunts.

"Forget my name.
I've joined the French Foreign Legion.

Love, Salem."

[SALEM SOBBING]

I over-packed my pack.

I'm really busy at school,
so if you're gonna run off to Algeria,

- wait until my aunts come home.
- I can't find a date for the reunion.

So? You'll go stag.

I'm sure you can pick up
some neglected wife at the bar.

You can't cheer me up, Sabrina.

There's something you don't know.

I wasn't always the stud muffin
I am today.

I was a high school nerd.

Do the:

[HUMMING]

And I'll tell you all about it.

[SALEM SOBBING]

[BOYS LAUGHING]

SALEM:
Billy Luto, you let me down.

Salem is a weenie.

We hung him by his...

Heenie.

ALL [CHANTING]: Salem is
a weenie. We hung him by his...

No.

The flashbacks.

Wow, for the first time
you seem so vulnerable.

I so wanted to go back
to school a winner.

But, Salem, you are a winner,
you've got--

Well, there's--

What about--?

You know what, Salem.

I promise,
I will find you a date for the reunion.

A trophy date.

Sometimes, it's hard
to make new friends.

Maybe you have an ex-girlfriend
you wanna take.

Great idea. I had a million of them.

That's why your little
black book is practically the size

of the New York phone book.

What about Sarah Phillips?

I'd love to go with her.

She was always so sweet,
so warm, so nurturing.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

So desperate for commitment.

Not to be picky,

but how about someone
for whom dating

doesn't constitute adultery?

Well, I don't know
how to make out her last name.

But what about Hallie?

Yeah, she was drop-dead gorgeous.

I wonder why we ever broke up.

Hey, Salem.

[SALEM GROANING]

Now I remember.

Hallie Tosis.

Her breath could start the windmill
on an old Dutch painting.

That's the only other name
in here except for Mom.

Ink fades.

Well, I have to get back to school
and cr*ck the Mr. Kraft case.

Because Salem needs a date
Really fast

Send him someone
He truly loved from the past.

From your Harold and Maude
phase?

Oh, don't be sick.

She's a lady
who was handing out fish yesterday.

Well, I'll find you a date
as soon as I get back from school.

Got any trout on you?

Oh, I'm so glad we got
into Father Time's Workshop.

It's supposed to be very intellectual.

I know, I know. He's going
to teach us to "be the clock."

Trust me.
You'll be glad you stuck it out.

[BELL CHIMES]

Oh, yeah,
I'm really glad we stuck it out.

There's got to be some proof
he's funnelling the money.

Yeah, some kind of an invoice,
or a phone message or a pacifier.

Oh, the horror.

- Hey, what are doing--?
- Mr. Kraft.

Oh, we just wanted to show you
Mrs. Quick's new camera.

Show him, Mrs. Quick. Okay.

Well, we'll see you on the way down.
I mean, later.

Hey, Sabrina. I read that pets
are the best way to meet people.

- I love your kitty.
- It's working.

[BELL RINGS]

Okay, where's my bucks?

She talks?

And if you want her to stop,
it's bucks.

Oh, sorry. She was supposed
to keep her furry mouth shut.

She only thinks about herself.

Really? That self-centred?

Is she single?

You wanna set me up
with this pinhead?

Somebody's cranky,
because they got hit in the face

with a frying pan.

Oh, I must have entered
a wit-free zone.

What a disaster.

What a woman.

You graduated from Other Realm High
the year before me?

Wait a minute.

Juliette Jingleheimer,
the prom queen?

In person, so to speak.

Salem, why don't you tell Juliette
about some of your hobbies?

SALEM:
Psst, psst.

I can strut my own stuff.

I like fish.

So are you working
on the homework?

Yup. The Kraft true confessions
potion is brewing.

Great. Tomorrow,
you'll slip him the mickey,

and he'll confess,
and I'll have my story.

And there's no way
we could get arrested for this?

There's no way I could be arrested.

Juliette, we have to get home.

But wait.

Juliette, I know we haven't known
each other very long, and...

How do I...? I was wondering if I...

Would you come with me
to my reunion?

- Why not?
- Bye.

Glory be, I have a date,
and not just any date.

She's the coolest gal
from Other Realm High.

- And you owe it all to me.
- Exactly.

And that's why I'm going to warn you
that I'm about to sing "Lady."

[SALEM LAUGHING]

- So you gave Mr. Kraft the potion?
- Yes, I slipped it into his V juice.

Great, so he's ready to confess,
and met his vegetable requirement.

Here he is. Let's go.

Mr. Kraft, is there anything
you'd like to confess

about the meat in the cafeteria?

[WHINNYING LIKE A HORSE]

Pardon me.

Let me guess. You put the confession
potion together in one big horse pill.

How'd you know?

[BELL RINGS]

Go make some more friends.

Sabrina, good news.

I've been contacted
by a secret informant.

This person works in the cafeteria
and goes by the name of Sore Throat.

- When and where can we meet him?
- Tonight in the cafeteria.

Mr. Kraft will rue the day he ever...

- Did the bell ring?
- About ten seconds ago.

sh**t.

Salem, what are you holding?
It better not be another subpoena.

It's a letter from my lady, Juliette.

She's crazy about me.

"Salem,
remember to get my kidney pâté."

Well, I guess for a cat,
that's romantic.

It's not what she said,
but that she took the time to say it.

Man, you got it bad.

Behold the manifestation
of my affection.

"S.S. plus J. squiggly line?"

My affection is endless,
but my nails are not.

Hello, honey.

Is there any reason you two
are dressed like the Ricola man?

Dear Lord, we were in such a hurry
to get out of there,

we left on our lederhosen.

They're deceptively comfortable.

[SALEM GIGGLING]

Oh, a corsage.

Anything for my dear Juliette.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

This kitten is smitten.

I found Salem a date
for the reunion.

Way to go, honey.

You didn't pay anyone, did you?

Hey, she can spend her allowance
any way that she likes.

Let's get this business licence
in the toaster.

[CLOCK TICKING]

What's that?

We spent the day in a clock,
and we developed a low-grade tick.

Okay, I'm just gonna nod
and pretend to understand.

Okay, close your eyes.

Thanks, Sabrina.

Wait till that rotten Billy Luto
sees me walk into that reunion

with the prom queen on my arm,
Juliette.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Open up.

So just out of curiosity,
why was Juliette turned into a cat?

I only tried to take over the world.
She tried to take over the universe.

Man, is she hot.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Mr. Saberhagen, your limo awaits.

And yes, you have to tip.

SALEM: You should know,
I plan to play the radio very loud.

Thanks for bringing me Juliette.

I'm in love.

They grow up so fast.

Sabrina, I'm glad I found you.

Sore Throat postponed.

Apparently, he has a sore throat.

- Dang, done in by irony.
- I gotta go.

He asked me to leave some lozenges
in a brown paper bag

on a bench in the park.

SABRINA: Hey, Dreama.
What are you doing here?

I joined a club, but it's only filled
with parents and teachers.

Yeah, the PTA's funny that way.

Was Juliette excited
about going to the reunion?

Oh, yeah, she said
she can't wait to run into this guy

that she had a huge crush on.

So she didn't go
because she likes Salem?

- She likes that he's giving her a ride.
- Poor Salem.

So basically, the girl you picked
for Salem is just using him.

That's one way to put it.

Why didn't you tell me
Juliette was so awful?

- You met her.
- All right, let's not overreact.

Salem will survive.

He'll see the potato bar
and all will be well.

Sure, he's thought he was in love
before, and not just with himself.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- I'm calling from Other Realm Vegas

about Mr. Saberhagen's wedding.

No! Salem's gonna propose
to Juliette.

No matter what food they serve,
I think he's gonna be crushed.

Poor Salem. He's gonna humiliate
himself more than usual.

Well, we've got to stop him.

But if we don't get there in time,
I think we should all blame Dreama.

- What's going on?
- Security.

[CLOCK TICKING]

- What's that ticking?
- Her.

Look, either you're strapped
to some kind of expl*sive device,

or you're just ticked off.

I can't let you through.

It's not like we're flying to Israel.

Well, you two go. Salem can't wait.

I'm guessing a hijacking joke
wouldn't be funny to you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow, is that Becky Barnes?

She's lost a lot of weight.

That jerk. He's not coming.

Oh, are you looking for the waiter?
I'll get him.

No, thanks. If I need something,
I'll make you get it.

I love your fire.

Juliette, there's something
I've been dying to ask you.

[SALEM CLEARS THROAT]

I feel when life hands you
something wonderful,

you should grab it.

- You're not gonna touch me, are you?
- Okay, here it goes.

- Juliette, will you--?
- Salem, there you are.

Thought I might find you here.
We need to talk.

Let me start. Go away.

Come on, Juliette.
You have cat litter on your back paws.

You know,
white fur shows everything.

Sabrina, this night rocks.

We sipped champagne in the limo--

- There's something I need to tell you.
- We tangoed cheek to cheek.

This may be hard to say, but...

Cats can tango? Wait a minute.

Salem, Juliette only came with you
so she could see some other guy.

Her brother?

So if there was a question
you were gonna pop,

you might wanna save it
for another girl.

SALEM:
I only have one question.

How could I be so stupid?

[SIGHS]

Salem, let me take you home.

- We could stop by the potato bar.
- Real bacon bits might help me forget.

Salem Saberhagen.

Yeah? Billy Luto.

Well, look who's doing time
in a kitty suit.

Did world domination plans
fall through?

[LAUGHING]

You want me to level the field
and turn him into a mouse,

a very slow mouse?

Thanks, but I can defend myself.

I'm not the high school nerd
I used to be.

- Nice tux.
- Stop it.

So, what have I been up to?

Well, I'm rich, I'm married,
and my bathroom is not in the kitchen.

I mean it. Quit.

Boy, I haven't given a wedgie
in decades.

I hope you're wearing little BVD's
under that cummerbund.

JULIETTE:
Hey, leave him alone.

- Huh?
- At least Salem had real dreams.

Sure, they were bereft of ethics
or even a real plan,

but he had the guts to try.

This cat is more of a man
than you'll ever be.

You're nothing but a big bully,
Bully Luto.

Juliette.

Cute couple.

Maybe you'd like a wedgie
built for two.

Okay, I'm done being brave.

Sabrina.

Look who's hanging
by their heenie now.

[SALEM GIGGLES]

Thank you, Juliette.

I knew you loved me.

Love you? I don't love you.

I just can't stand him.

I liked him all junior year, nothing.

And unrequited love
makes me cranky.

Come on, you like me just a little.

Now I wish I could roll my eyes.

Well, you like me better than him.

I like a canker sore better than him.

Yes.

Wow. Apparently,
these work in the Other Realm.

SABRINA: Thanks for meeting
us here, Sore Throat.

- You wanna come closer?
SORE THROAT: No.

I'm a little nervous
about this whole thing.

Well, don't be.
This is completely confidential.

Except for what we publish
in the paper.

Yeah, so just relax
and tell us everything you know.

- It's for the good of the school.
SORE THROAT: All right.

I keep seeing strange things.

This girl is wearing one outfit,

and suddenly,
she's wearing a different outfit.

Okay, well,
I think we've got everything we need.

The same girl is on crutches,
and the crutches disappear.

There's a talking cat.

And...

I can't take it anymore.

- Do you know what this means?
- Yep.

- No corroboration, no story.
- No, this is paranormal.

This is worthy of network TV.

This is bigger than meat.

Oh, pshaw, the kid's
obviously starved for attention.

Aren't we all?

And besides,
I've decided to go with another story.

"Kinkle Might Make First String."

Gotta go.

So how did it go?
Did Sore Throat cough it up?

He hocked something ugly up.
We gotta get out of here.

[SCREAMING]

So you never pinned anything
on Mr. Kraft, huh?

No. I can't believe
he wasn't dirty dealing.

No, now come on,
you're being unreasonable.

We can work this out.

Oh, no, not the settee.
Where am I gonna take my naps?

- You told us it was t-bones.
- Yeah--

You never said it was school meat.

Because--

No. No.