07x02 - Salem, Here We Come

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bewitched". Aired: September 17, 1964 - March 25, 1972.*
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Samantha falls in love with and marries Darrin Stephens only for him to find out that his new wife is one of a secret society of powerful witches and warlocks and that a twitch of her nose brings magic.
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07x02 - Salem, Here We Come

Post by bunniefuu »

There. How's that?

Tighter.

Darrin. If I tied it any
tighter, you'd pass out.

I wanna pass out.

It's the merciful thing to do.

I just resent having
to wear a dinner jacket

to eat dinner in my own house,

just to please a
so-called empress.

If it'll make you
feel any better,

she won't be pleased.

She'd rather you wear tails.

And she is an empress

and high priestess of
all witches and warlocks.

That still doesn't
give her the right

to barge into our house

and turn it into
Buckingham Palace.

Well, she'll change it
back when she leaves.

Sweetheart, try to understand.

Uh, redecorating
makes her feel...

more at home.

Where does she
live? The Taj Mahal?

Boy, some nerve.

"I, Hepzibah, will reside
in this house for one week,

"to decide whether or not

"this first and only
mixed marriage

of witch to mortal
should be dissolved."

Blech.

Sam... is this all worth it?

I mean, wouldn't it
be easier if we agreed

you'd go to the witches'
convention by yourself?

Wouldn't that satisfy her?

It would not satisfy me.

If I have to go to Salem to
that dumb witches' convention,

I want you to come with me.

Mommy?

Where did you get that outfit?

Her Majesty.

She said a young lady should
dress properly for dinner.

And a fairy princess
never looked lovelier.

What did she dress Adam
as? Prince Charming?

No. She picked him up
from his crib to play with him,

and he made a no-no on her,

so he's not allowed
to come down at all.

Darn. I wish I had
thought of that.

Well, first call for dinner.

Ex-queen Samantha,
her daughter Tabitha,

and mortal.

Well, come, come.
Din-din is getting cold.

Who are they?

Our servants, of course.

We never travel anywhere
without our servants.

Well, you can tell
your "trumpeteer"

that I have a name and a title:

Darrin Stephens,
master of this house.

Not while we live here.

And for not
remembering your place,

you get... one demerit.

Young man... when
those other nine demerits

are over with
that other demerit,

you will be dissolved.

Uh, come on, sweetheart.

Our, uh, din-din
is getting cold.

"Dissolved?"

Shh.

Everything looks yummy.

Oh, it looks different. Hm.

What is it?

Oh, pâté of elephant tail,

pickled eye of newt.

Over there is hummingbird
tongue parmigiana.

And here is kidney of iguana

bourguignonne in neat-feet oil.

Well, to be perfectly
honest, uh, Your Highness,

these, ahem,

goodies are a little
exotic for my system.

Ridiculous.

Pâté of elephant tail

is no more exotic
than blueberry pie.

Uh, Darrin's not too crazy
about blueberry pie either.

This is ethnic food.

By refusing to share it with us,

you are insulting an
entire ethnic group.

What do you say to that?

How about the eight
ball in the side pocket?

Another demerit

for that feeble
attempt at humor.

Well, that's three
down, seven to go.

Answer the door.

Well, i-it's no one we
know, uh, Your Majesty.

I-I mean, a friend
would never just drop in

at the dinner hour, uninvited.

And a friend who would drop in

at the dinner hour
isn't much of a friend.

So... who needs him?

We do.

If we are researching
the species,

we would like to meet as
many mortals as possible.

I'll get it.

Hi, Sam. I'm sorry to
barge in at dinnertime

but I had to drop these
papers off for Darrin.

And I'd like to...

You're having a costume party...

and you didn't invite me.

Oh! Uh, no, no, Larry.

Uh, we're just entertaining

an aunt of mine who
insists we dress up.

Excuse me.

When, uh, did you redecorate?

Redecorate?

We didn't.

It's my aunt's.

She's very, very
wealthy, and, uh...

a little strange.

A lot strange.

A ding-a-ling?

Samantha...

uh, bring whoever it
is into our presence.

I'd better go. I'll
call you later, Darrin.

No, no. Larry, please.

Uh, just... Just meet her.

Your Majesty, may I present

my business associate, Mr. Tate?

Do I curtsy?

A bow will do.

Nicely done. We are
pleased with this one.

Thank you, Your Highness.

I'm available for knighthood.

Eh, he's a bit of a ding-a-ling.

Heh.

Uh, Darrin, I'm
sorry to barge in

on this little dinner
party of yours,

but I had to talk to you

before we meet with
Hitchcock in the morning.

Oh. Sit down and join us.

Oh, I... I'd be honored,
but, uh, actually,

I'm joining my wife
at the club for dinner.

Oh, and you know how Louise

hates to be kept waiting.

So why don't you just run along?

But, uh, I, heh,

could have an hors
d'oeuvre or two.

Postlethwaite.

It certainly looks delicious.

Don't bother, Postlethwaite.

I'm full.

As you were.

Thank you. Mm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

It is delicious.

I mean, really delicious.

I never tasted anything
like it. What is it?

It's a secret family recipe.

So, uh... Uh, Hitchcock is coming
to the office tomorrow, right?

Mm.

I can taste the parmigiana,
but I can't make out...

The hummingbird tongue?

The what?

That's very amusing,
Your Highness.

Oh, funny, huh?

We have heard of
hummingbird tongue

being tasty, but never amusing.

Tabitha, are you enjoying
your hummingbird tongue?

I like the pickled
eye of newt better.

The pickled... Eye of newt.

Uh, listen...

I hate to eat
and run, but, uh...

Run, run. Heh.
Louise is waiting.

Oh, I'll see you in the morning.

It's been an honor
meeting you, Your Highness.

And, uh, don't get up.

I think I can find my way out.

At least the creature
was man enough

to give it a try.

I don't know how much
longer I can take it.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

Just a few more days,
and it'll all be over.

Well... the way I'm...

piling up demerits, it
could be all over today.

I'd better get along.

Where?

To work.

That interests us.

What is "work"?

That's a very good
question, Your Majesty.

And Samantha is just
the person to explain it.

See you later, honey.
Uh, by your leave.

What is "work"?

Oh, that's what
mortals do from 9 to 5.

You will explain while
we have our breakfast.

Quickly, Penelope.

Naughty, naughty.

Once over lightly.

Repeat.

What is "work"?

Well, in Darrin's
case, it's advertising.

What is advertising?

Advertising is...

Well... After breakfast,

you will take us
to his workshop.

Oh, uh... but I-I
couldn't take us there.

I-I mean, he's very busy.

If we have time to watch him,

then he will make
time to be watched.

But I couldn't possibly
leave the house.

I don't have a babysitter.

You do now.

Y... Yes, uh, Your Majesty.

Morning.

It's almost noon.

I know.

I had a great night's sleep.

One hour, from 10:00
this morning to 11.

Did I eat hummingbird
tongue last night, or didn't I?

Larry, will you please
forget last night?

Uh, Hitchcock will
be here any minute.

Now, let's go over
the presentation.

What's pickled eye of newt?

Uh, it's kind of a squash...

prepared with a sauce.

It is? Because I love squash.

Hello.

Uh, we didn't have
a chance to call.

Uh, Aunt Hepzibah

wanted to come and
see where you work.

Carry on.

L-look, uh...

Uh, Your Majesty,
we're really very busy.

Good. Then we shall
observe "busyness."

Sam, would you please try

to explain to Her Highness

that we're expecting a
very important client?

Larry said they're expecting...

We do not need a translation.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes?

Hitchcock is here.

Tell him to wait.

Send him in.

I've got a great
idea, Your Majesty.

Why don't you visit
the United Nations?

You can meet a lot of
kings and presidents.

Send him in.

Send him in.

Uh, look, Your Majesty...

uh, Mr. Hitchcock
is a very busy man,

an-and busy men are sometimes

very brusque and impatient.

He might say
something to insult you.

We hope not, for his sake.

Oh. Good to see
you, Mr. Hitchcock.

Uh, Tate. Mr. Hitchcock.

Stephens.

Oh, uh, may I present
my wife, Samantha?

How do you do?

And her Aunt Hepzibah
visiting from out of town.

Ladies.

I've got exactly 25 minutes

before we go to lunch, Stephens.

Shall we get on with it?

Yes, let's get on with it.
I-in the conference room.

Uh, that won't be necessary.

We are very comfortable here.

Is this some sort
of a joke, Tate?

Heh-heh. Well, uh... Ha.

Well, my aunt i...
Was rather interested

in studying the
world of business.

Perhaps it's not my place

to say this, madam, but, uh...

You're a most attractive woman.

And I cannot imagine
you being interested

in anything as dull as business.

How very gallant, Mr. Hitchcock.

Ernest, please. I beg you.

Well, shall we get
started, Mr. Hitchcock?

Uh, there are
ladies present, Tate.

Let's chat a while, hm?

Hepzibah.

Hepzibah.

What a lovely name. Biblical?

Hardly.

So you're from out of town.
Where, may I ask, my dear?

Oh! She's lived all over.

Yes. Uh, Mr. Hitchcock, if...

If you'll take a look at
the pre... Presentation...

As soon as I can
take my eyes off

this lovely and incredibly
beautiful creature.

So you're a world traveler.

Perhaps you've used my airlines.

The regal bird with
the silver beak?

We are pleased with this man.

He has quality.

Uh, the feeling is mutual.

Perhaps we can
discuss it at lunch.

Delighted.

The thing is, I only made
a reservation at Pavillon

for you and Darrin.

They're booked solid.

How fortunate for us, Hepzibah.

We shall dine alone then.

Oh! Come along.

We'll see you after lunch.

Your Majesty.

Have you ever been to Crete?

Not for centuries.

What...?

What...?

What happened?

How could you do it, Sam?


How could you do it?

We... Well, I-I didn't
have any choice.

I mean, if Mr. Hitchcock

had said one rude
word to Hepzibah...

And he was about to

why, she would've zapped him

into an aardvark or something.

But I wouldn't have minded

your turning him
into Mr. Nice Guy,

but a lovesick
adolescent is overdoing it.

I didn't have
time for subtleties.

Rowr!

We are home.

We are pleased to say we
have come to the conclusion

that as a lower form of life,

some mortals are
not without charm.

Sweetheart.

Had you but an ounce

of Ernest's exquisite taste,

you might be barely tolerable.

Well, if we're playing
the truth game,

let me tell you something.

For raising your voice to us...

another demerit.

Another demerit.
Another demerit.

I might as well
go for the jackpot.

I want you out of my house.

And your puppy dogs
and your servants.

Out.

You may be the
almighty of all witches,

but to me, you're an
almighty pain in the...

Darrin!

Uh, he-he-he... He apo...
Apologizes, Your Majesty.

Apologize.

It is too late for
you to apologize.

You have used
up your demerits...

and our patience.

The marriage will be
dissolved at midnight.

But... But... Go to your room.

"The marriage will be
dissolved at midnight."

Boy, some nerve.

I mean, how could she
dissolve our marriage?

How? I'd just like to know how.

She could turn you
into an ex-husband.

How? I'd just like to know how.

By dissolving you.

Now I know how.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I'll just talk her into
drumming me out

of the witch world.

Uh, what does that mean?

Well, how should I know?

Uh, she'll probably recite
some mumbo jumbo and zap,

I'll be just plain folks.

Then it's none of her
business what I do.

And?

Well, I don't know. It's
never been done before. I...

I suppose I'd lose my powers.

Sam, I won't let you do it.

Isn't that what you've
always wanted?

Yes. No.

I mean... I love you
for what you are.

Well, I'd still be what I am.

I... I just wouldn't
have my powers.

But that's a part of you.

And I won't let you give it up.

I won't let anything or
anybody change you

or dissolve our marriage.

Including the High
Priestess Hepzibah.

And I'll get down on
my knees if I have to,

but I won't stop until
she accepts my apology.

Come on.

Ernest. You are so amusing.

Mr. Hitchcock.

This is a private audience.

Oh. Please, forgive me

for dropping in unannounced,

but I didn't want to lose touch

with this lovely lady.

And she's going
away, and she won't

tell me where she's going.

Isn't it sweet?

She'll be leaving for
Salem in a few days.

Samantha.

Ah. Salem is beautiful
this time of the year.

Ernest, we are touched
by your devotion...

but, really, we will have
so little time to give you.

I'll be staying at the
Hawthorne Hotel. And you?

We will be...

Calling you when we are free.

Good night, beautiful creature.

Good night.

Goodbye.

- Mr. Hitchcock.
- Bye.

Mortals can sometimes
be endearing.

They can grow on one.

Perhaps we have been too rash.

Perhaps we should study
the species a while longer

before passing
any major decision.

The "dissolvement" of
the marriage is canceled.

Oh. Thank you, Your Majesty.

A-and Darrin, uh,
can come to Salem?

Out of the question. No mortal.

You mean... You mean,
Ernest is one of us?

And Darrin Stephens
may come to Salem.

Touché, my dear.

But remember this:

There is a vast difference

between playing with a
mortal and marrying it.

With all due respect,
Your Majesty...

don't knock it
till you've tried it.

Prepare the ancestral
grounds for our arrival.

Away.

You too, Caesar and Cleopatra.

Now... Now, now,
now, now. None of that.

Mommy will be along any moment.

Your Majesty, uh,

if your arm isn't too
tired from waving,

uh, we'd certainly
appreciate having

the house back the way it was.

Nonsense. It is our gift to you.

Well, Your Majesty, we
really don't deserve it.

I mean, after the
trouble we've caused you.

Quite right.

Ugh.

Well... we will be on our way.

Take care of our Samantha.

We're warning you.

Hepzibah will be watching.

Terrific. How could she know

my mother gave us that?

Larry!

Sam. Darrin, heh.

Uh, forgive me for
dropping in unannounced,

but, uh, I was on
my way to the office,

and I just dropped by to...

What happened to
your redecorating?

Uh, well, uh, A-Aunt
Hepzibah turned out

to be an Indian giver.

When she left, she took
Windsor Castle with her.

So we... We just
brought the other stuff

down from the attic.

Oh.

Darrin, how did you manage it?

Well, we, uh...

We got a couple of
moving men, and...

I mean, how did you
manage to talk Hitchcock

into going to Salem with you?

Oh, that. I'd rather
not talk about it, Larry.

Then you tell me, Sam.

The genius is so modest.

Well, all... All right.

The "genius" said to himself:

"What would Larry do
if he were in my place?"

Good, good.

And when he saw Mr. Hitchcock

making eyes at Hepzibah, well...

Yeah, yeah?

He decided to play matchmaker.

You son of a g*n.

What happened to the vase?

Well, it, uh...

It broke when we were
moving things back.

It's easily replaced. Hm.

Oh. Well, I... I'd better run.

I'm late for an appointment.

Bye-bye.

"Hepzibah will be watching."

Oh, just one more thing.

If you need me in Salem

to help with
Hitchcock, feel free.

Oh, well... Yeah. Heh-heh.

The vase. What happened?

Well, um...

I told you it was
easily replaced.

Oh.

Uh, just one more thing.

Uh, what about the
spell on Hitchcock?

Oh, I'll fix that.

After we get back from Salem.
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