07x05 - Darrin on a Pedestal

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Darrin. You're pacing.

What?

You know, "to-ing"
and "fro-ing,"

and "to-ing" and "fro-ing."

I wasn't even aware of it.

Mm, I guess it's
because I feel a little guilty

about dropping the whole

Barrows Umbrella
account in Larry's lap.

Sweetheart, we are
in Salem on a vacation.

Sort of.

Now, we planned
to take a nice drive

up the coast to Gloucester

and have some lobster
and... [PHONE RINGING]

And that's probably Larry.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I'll get rid of him.

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

Hi, Larry.

Hey. How'd you know it was me?

A wild guess.

I bet you can't
guess why I'm calling.

It's about the Barrows Umbrella
account, and you want me to...

Wrong. I'm calling
because I got an idea

how you can have
a vacation with pay.

I thought that's what I had.

Oh, you do. You do.

What I was referring
to is a little extra bonus.

And to get it, all
you have to do

is come down here to Boston

and help me cinch
the Barrows account.

I thought you said
you weren't calling

about the Barrows account.

Oh, I'm not. I'm calling
about your bonus.

Forget it, Larry. Now, you
have my rough layouts and...

Oh, yes, and they're
fine. They're fine.

Good. Then you can cinch the
Barrows account on your own.

I must say, you're not
showing much appreciation

to someone who merely
called to offer you a bonus.

Not interested, Larry.

And good luck with Barrows. Bye.

[PHONE CLICKS DEAD] Ingrate!

Larry talk you into
going to Boston?

Absolutely not. I was firm.

Oh. Well, that's too bad.

Too bad?

Y-yes. I've been called
to an emergency meeting

of the Witches' Council.

[SIGHS] Terrific.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,

but Mother's giving a
special demonstration

of incantations past,
present and future.

Uh, maybe you
could call him back.

Before I'd call him back,
I'd go sightseeing alone.

SERENA: Why alone, when
Serena's ready, willing and able?

Hi, little cousin.

Hi there, tall, dark and mortal.

If you don't mind, Serena,

you're one sight
I'd rather not see.

Oh. The charm-school dropout

is in rare form today. Ha-ha!

Serena, the hotel
doesn't allow pets

or helicopters in the room,

so would you mind
getting rid of it?

That can be arranged.

And when you get rid
of it, be sure you're in it.

Oh, that's cute.

Darrin, there's no
reason to be rude.

I'm sorry I was a few days late

for the convention, Sammy,

but I got involved

in the world kite-flying
championships in India.

Uh, guess what.

What?

I was disqualified.

Disqualified?

On a mere technicality.

Instead of flying
it, I towed it.

[CACKLES]

Oh, that's a shame.

I wouldn't have
disqualified you.

You wouldn't?

Of course not.

The longer you're in the air,

the more chance you
have of hitting a tree.

[MOUTHS] Ohh.

[HUFFS]

Sweetheart, i-in
the best interest

of keeping peace in the family,

why don't you reconsider and
go sightseeing with Serena?

I have to go to the
meeting anyway.

Two's company, except
when she's one of the two.

I could meet you at
the Gloucester House

for lunch.

Absolutely under
no circumstances

will I go anyplace with her.

Oh! He's such a darling.

And since the invitation

comes straight from
the heart, I accept.

Mwah.

Good. I'll meet you
there about noon.

I think I missed
something somewhere.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Get in.

I will, just as soon as
I get over the shock.

I was expecting a broom.

My broom is getting a lube job.

This is a loaner.

Ah! I'll drive.

Okay, poopsie.

[♪♪♪]

I like it. I like it.

It's certainly the work
of a talented man.

Well, then, shall we get down

to the business of,
uh, contracts, et cetera?

But it misses.

It just misses.

Well, I'm sure Stephens
will have no trouble

putting it on target.

And I guarantee we'll sh**t
the sales of Barrows Umbrellas

far beyond your expectations.

I expect everybody in the
world to own a Barrows umbrella.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Stop the car!

Stop the car.

What is that?

It's just a statue.

Well...

that statue is a sight,
and we are sightseeing.

[♪♪♪]

"They that go down
to the sea in ships."

Who is this cat, anyway?

Don't you know anything?

This is the famous
Fisherman's Memorial.

Oh.

And what a knockout
of a memorial he is.

Just dig that
weather-beaten face

and those powerful arms.

Ah! What a ball to
be steered by him.

[LAUGHS]

Well, Serena,
this is the closest

you're going to
get to this "cat,"

unless you turn
yourself into a seagull.

Dum-dum, I wouldn't
bet my plantation on that

if I were you.

Pride of Gloucester
Sentinel of the sea

I deem you come alive
And swagger down to me

Still think he's for the birds?

Avast, ye hearties. What
the devil's going on here?

You might call it fun and games.

Well, I call it insanity.

Serena, put this
statue back, or...

Oh! He is not a statue.

He is flesh and blood.

Here, touch him.

Touch me person,

and I'll thrash you
within an inch of your life.

You can touch me.

But him... no.

Serena, I'm not asking you,

I'm telling you.

Put this statue back, or I...

Here. What a wench.

It's been 50 years
since I've kissed a lassie.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS] Oh! Whoopee!

You know something?

They're better
when they're aged.

Serena, I'm finished with you.

Well, I'm not.

Goody.

Serena. If there isn't a statue

holding on to that wheel

by the time I count to three,

there's going to be trouble.

Dum-dum... you
are absolutely right.

Start counting.

One, two...

Don't forget, it was your idea.

[♪♪♪]

Shiver me timbers. What's that?

Oh, that is a car.

It's used for transportation
and air polluting.

Listen, me ancient mariner,

uh, why don't we split

to someplace more
romantic, so you can catch up

on all you've been missing
these last few years?

"Split?"

Uh, leave, embark, set sail.

I'll have none of it if
I have to sail there.

Well, "set sail" is
just an expression.

Besides, what have
you got against water?

Nothing. It just scares
me out of my wits.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You're an able-bodied seaman.

You forget, I stand for all

those able-bodied
seamen that drowned.

Okay. Heave to
and we'll fly there.

The only water you'll see

is the kind you pour
over your Scotch.

[♪♪♪]

They call this paradise?

I haven't named it yet.

It's just a little
something I whipped up

to make myself
comfortable in Salem.

[LAUGHS]

Come, come.

[♪♪♪]

Say... uh, how about
sitting down and...

And resting those strong,

magnificent sea legs of yours?

Let's not get too close
to the water, please.

[♪♪♪]

Who's that?

Oh, it's just an
ex-friend of mine.

He got stoned one night,
so I left him that way.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

[GROANING]

What's the matter, sweetie?

Me back, lassie. Me back.

I've been standing over that
wheel for almost 50 years.

Me back is k*lling me.

Oh, dear.

Well, uh, here.

[GRUNTS, BACK CRACKS]

[LAUGHS] Now
let me rub it for you.

How's that?

Oh.

Lower, lassie. Lower.

Gladly.

[GIGGLING]

Oh! You are gorgeous. Oh, my.

[SERENA LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

Ooh!

Darrin. I-is that you in there?

Oh, sweetheart.

I don't know what to say...

except I have a cousin

who makes Lucrezia Borgia
look like Shirley Temple.

But don't you worry.

I'll figure out a way
to get you out of there.

The hotel clerk said
they're having lunch

at the Gloucester House.

I'm sure we'll find him there.

I hope so, Mr. Tate.

Oh, as a matter of fact,
there's Mrs. Stephens now.

Where?

I'll say one thing, though:

If you have to be a statue,

this is a nice place to be one.

Over there, talking
to that statue.

Huh?

I mean, over
there by that statue.

Oh. Darrin's probably
around someplace.

Come on, I wanna introduce you.

Sam!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

LARRY: Hi, Sam. Heh-heh.

Ha-ha.

Am I glad I found you.

Oh, well, hi, Larry.

W-w-what are you
doing in Gloucester?

Hopefully, having lunch
with you and Darrin.

Oh, Mr. Barrows,
this is Mrs. Stephens.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Uh, Mr. Barrows is head
of Barrows Umbrellas,

and he's just dying to hear

some of Darrin's new ideas.

That's nice.

Where is he?

Who?

Darrin.

Oh! [LAUGHS]

Well, he's...

He's hanging around
here somewhere.

Mrs. Stephens, Tate here

speaks very highly
of your husband.

He's got him on
some kind of pedestal.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

Darrin's very comfortable
o-on a pedestal.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, sir. Ha.

Well, Sam. Let's go find him,

and we can go on
to lunch together.

Oh, oh. Let's not
bother with Darrin.

Uh, let's just go to
lunch, just the three of us.

The three of us?

Oh, it'll be fun.

Sam, are you all right?

No. I mean... Um, well...

I get a little lightheaded
when I'm hungry.

And I am just dying for
one of those lobsters.

[♪♪♪]

Larry. Come on, Larry.

Come on.

You know, it's funny,

I've never seen
this statue before,

but it looks very
familiar to me.

Wait. This is the
Fisherman's Memorial.

It's dedicated to the more
than 10,000 fishermen

who lost their lives at sea.

Come to think of it,

he looks more defiant and
ferocious than I remember him.

Oh, he looks
ferocious, all right.

Sam.

Is that all you can see?

Huh?

You know, it's amazing.

The face of this statue

looks a... A great
deal like Stephens.

Sam, can't you see
the resemblance?

No. Not really.

I mean, examine the chin.

That is not
Darrin's strong chin.

Yeah. His chin is kind of weak.

Very.

Well, now that we decided

the statue doesn't
look like Mr. Stephens,

suppose we take Mrs.
Stephens to lunch?

Uh, uh... Why don't you
two go on without me?

But you just said
you were starving.

Yes, I did, didn't I? Hm.

Well, um, why don't you two
go to the Gloucester House,

and I'll wait here for Darrin?

But we don't wanna take a
chance on missing Darrin.

Why don't we all wait here?

O-oh, uh, Larry, uh,

I don't think that's
such a good idea.

Why not? Yeah, why not?

Because I suddenly remembered

that Darrin said he
was going to take a walk,

and he wanted me to meet
him at the Gloucester House.

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

You suddenly remembered?

Yes.

I-I told you I get
a little lightheaded

when I get hungry.

Especially for lobster.

All right, Tate, let's go.

All this talk about lobster
is making me hungry.

[♪♪♪] [LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

May I help you?

Uh, we're looking for
Mr. Darrin Stephens.

Uh, we have a reservation
for Mr. Stephens,

but I don't believe
he's arrived yet.

Well, that's strange. I
wonder what's holding him up.

I hate to think.

Larry, w-why don't
you and Mr. Barrows

go to the table?

I'll join you in a moment.

HOST: Right this way.

Mr. Barrows.

Bartender. Set them
up for everybody.

I'm buying.

And forget the little
lady who was just here.

She must be a "toteetaler."

A teetotaler. To...

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I got back as soon as I could.

Trust me. I will find Serena

and get you out of there.

In the meantime,
keep a stiff upper lip.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Stars and planets
And things in the know

Whisk me to where
Romance can grow

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me... but I'm
looking for two people

whom I thought might be here.

One is...

Oh, you mean,
uh, that pretty girl

and that nutty-looking sailor?

They're the ones.

Not that I watched, mind you,

because it was
none of my business,

but they was holding hands,

and kissing and
whispering to each other.

Y-you wanna know what
they was whispering?

Uh, no, thank you.

Um, I just wanna
know where they went.

Well, I, uh...

I turned back to my
clipping, like this...

And when I turned back,

like this... they was...

Gone.

Just like you.

When John Paul Potter
III drinks, everybody drinks.

Another round for the folks.

Well... the little
"toteetaler" is back.

How about a little nip, sweetie?

Oh, well, thanks, uh,

but I think you are doing
just fine for both of us.

Cheers.

[LAUGHS]

[MAN SINGING]

♪ Whoa-ho Blow the man down ♪

♪ Gimme some fellows
To follow the sea ♪

♪ Gimme some time
To blow the man down ♪

BOTH: ♪ Blow the man down
Please blow the man down ♪

♪ Whoa, oh! Blow the man down ♪

Young man. Will you
shut up for a moment?

You watch your
tongue, landlubber.

I'll have you swinging
from the yardarm.

Now, you listen to me.

We're in a restaurant
with a young lady.

Now, if I checked my umbrella,

I see no reason why
you can't check your hat.

You won't take my hat.

[♪♪♪]

Ah. There you are.

Sam, look who we ran into:

Serena and her... boyfriend.

I can't imagine
what's keeping Darrin.

No offense, Mrs. Stephens,

but I'll give him
five more minutes,

and then I leave.

And with me, Tate,
goes my account.

Serena, I think you and I

should have a
few words together.

Excuse me, my little
chicken of the sea.

Oh! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Chicken of the sea. That's me.

Serena, I don't wanna know how,

and I don't wanna know why.

I just want a fair exchange:

Darrin for your seaman.

Well, okay, coz,
but believe me...

that is not a fair exchange.

Are you sure you ladies
wouldn't like a little drinky-poo?

Potter's springing.

So is Serena.

I think the party's over.

[♪♪♪]

So long, dumbo.

Sam, what's happening?

Shh, shh.

[♪♪♪]

FISHERMAN [SINGING]: ♪ Blow the
man down Will we blow the man down ♪

♪ Whoa, oh... ♪

I hate to interrupt
your good time,

but if the Pirate of Penzance

isn't out of here immediately,

Barrows Umbrellas will be.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Where did he go?

He was, uh, shanghaied.

[LAUGHS]

Come on. Come on.

All right, Tate, let's get

my hat and umbrella, and go.

But, Mr. Barrows...

Gentlemen, look who
I found waiting outside.

Darrin. Thank heaven. Larry.

Uh, Mr. Barrows, this
is Darrin Stephens.

Hello, Stephens.
Oh, Mr. Barrows.

Uh, Darrin, I've just
been telling Mr. Barrows

that the only reason
you're at Salem

is to work on some ideas
for Barrows Umbrellas.

Mr. Stephens...

I've had a very difficult
and strange day.

I no longer have any
interest in any of your ideas.

Uh, Mr. Barrows,

i-if you don't want
to listen to Darrin, uh,

would you listen to me?

Mrs. Stephens, I'm a
businessman most of the time...

but I'm a gentleman
all the time.

Please sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Now... tell me about it.

Well... Darrin's idea

is to use the
Fisherman's Memorial

as a symbol for
Barrows Umbrellas.

That's why we were there.

Uh-huh.

Mr. Barrows, what percentage of

umbrellas are bought by women?

About 80 percent.

Aha.

The men don't seem
to wanna buy 'em, right?

Well, you see, Darrin's idea

is to make the umbrella
more attractive to men

by associating it with a...

A masculine symbol:
the Fisherman's Memorial.

Hmm.

Mr. Barrows, I'm
sure if you hear

Darrin present his idea,

it'll be more impressive.

I like that idea.

But I doubt it.

You know, Samantha
explained it so beautifully.

Tell us the rest
of it, young man.

Uh, picture this:

The helmsman, standing
in the face of a fierce storm,

one hand on the wheel,

the other holding
a Barrows umbrella.

I love it.

"Even the men who go
down to the sea in ships

carry Barrows umbrellas."

Stephens... it's sensational.

Sensational.

You were well worth waiting for.

I told you he would be.

You son of a g*n.

But I'd still like to know

where you've been all this time.

W-well, Darrin was just

staring out to
the sea, thinking.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

Yeah. Heh-heh. That's right.

Well, let's everybody
have a drink.

Oh, great idea.

Waitress. Waitress.

Doubles.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

SAMANTHA: You know,
sweetheart, that's a great idea.

"Even men that go
down to the sea in ships

carry Barrows umbrellas."

I've got an idea
for another slogan:

"Not even a nor'easter can
blow out a Barrows umbrella."

Hi.

Speaking of ill winds...

Watch it, ding-dong.

I just popped in to give you
the opportunity of thanking me.

For what?

Well, you landed the
dumb account, didn't you?

I'll thank you to
blow outta here.

[♪♪♪]

[BLOWING]

[WIND GUSTING]

Ta-ta.

Darrin... you know something?

I think I liked your
first slogan better.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, boy.

[EXHALES]

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: Air transportation

and promotional consideration
for location sh**ting

in Salem provided
by American Airlines.

It's good to travel
on American Airlines.