01x04 - Of Banquets, Bastards and Burials

[bunniefuu]

[whispering voices overlapping]

Ciri. Ciri...

- [thumping]
- [voice whispering]

[voices continue whispering softly]

[whispering growing in intensity]

- [gasps]
- [wings fluttering]

[birdsong]

- [twig cracks]
- [rustling]

- Dara?
- [twig cracks]

- [gasps]
- [all grunt]

Please...

don't hurt me.

[in Elder] Keep your aim true.

I'm lost.

I don't know... how I got here.

Please.

[in Elder] If she runs, k*ll her.

Where are you taking me?

I need to find Dara. Please!

What is your name?

Fiona.

- Where am I? How did I get...
- You are in Brokilon Forest.

Follow me.

I tell you no lie,

it swallowed the whole village, it did.

- [people gasp and murmur]
- Not a bone to be found!

Oh, don't give me that look, shitling.

That's why we had to call him...

The White Wolf!

And he stood in the middle
of that frozen lake

like he knew it was coming for him.

The ice cracked open

and a selkiemore sh*t out!

Oh, you've never seen one,

but it'd take down a ship
with its cavernous mouth

full of devil's teeth!

[gasping]

And it... swallowed...

that witcher...

whole!

Oh, this is brilliant!

Oh, sorry. It's just Geralt's usually
so stingy with the details.

Uh... and then what happened?

He d*ed.

[all gasp]

Eh... He's fine.

Look, I was there.

- I saw it with my own...
- [crash]

- See?
- [gasping]

- [chuckling]
- Oh...

What's that stench?

- Selkiemore guts.
- [man] Ugh!

Had to get it from the inside.
I'll take what I'm owed.

♪ Toss a coin to your witcher ♪

♪ O, Valley of Plenty ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

[all] ♪ Toss a coin to your witcher ♪

- ♪ A friend of humanity ♪
- Yikes.

- [cheering]
- Thank you!

You're welcome.

And now, Witcher,
it's time to repay your debt.

"What debt?" you're probably asking
yourself in your head right now.

Well, I'll tell you.

I've made you famous, Witcher.

By rights, I should be claiming
ten percent of all your coin,

but instead,
what I'm asking for is a teeny,

teeny-weeny little favor.

f*ck off, bard.

For one measly night of service,

you will gain a cornucopia
of earthly delights.

The greatest masters
of the culinary arts

crafting morsels worthy of the gods.

Maidens
that would make the sun itself blush

with a single comely smile.

And rivers of the sweetest of drinks
from the rarest of...

f*ck!

Food, women and wine, Geralt!

[grunts]

Now, now,
stop your boorish grunts of protest.

It is one night bodyguarding your very
best friend in the whole wide world.

How hard could it be?

I'm not your friend.

Oh. Oh, really?

Oh, you usually just let strangers
rub chamomile onto your lovely bottom?

Yeah, well, yeah, exactly.
That's what I thought.

Every lord, knight
and twopenny king worth his salt

will be at this betrothal.

The Lioness of Cintra herself
will sing the praises

of Jaskier's triumphant performance!

How many of these lords want to k*ll you?

Hard to say.
One stops keeping count after a while.

Wives, concubines, mothers sometimes.

Ooh, yeah, that face!

Ooh!

Scary face!

No lord in his right mind will come close

if you're standing next to me
with a puss like that.

Ooh, on second thoughts...

- might want to lay off the Cintran ale.
- [groans]

A clear head would be best.

I will not suffer tonight sober

just because you hid your sausage
in the wrong royal pantry.

I'm not k*lling anyone.
Not over the petty squabbles of men.

Yes, yes, yes.

You never get involved.
Except you actually do,

all of the time.

Ugh. Is this what happens
when you get old?

You get unbearably crochety
and cantankerous?

Actually, I've always wanted to know,
do witchers ever retire?

Yeah. When they slow and get k*lled.

Come on,
you must want something for yourself

once all this...
monster hunting nonsense is over with.

I want nothing.

Well, who knows?

Maybe someone out there will want you.

I need no one.

And the last thing I want is
someone needing me.

And yet...

here we are.

Hm.

Where the f*ck are my clothes, Jaskier?

Ah. Well, uh, they were sort of covered
in selkiemore guts,

so I sent them away to be washed.

Anyway, you're not going tonight
as a witcher.

[lively folk music playing]

Right, so stick close to me, look mean
and pretend you're a mute.

Can't have anyone finding out
who you are.

Geralt of Rivia, the mighty Witcher!

Oh, sh*t.

I haven't seen you since the plague.

Good times, Mousesack.

[laughs]

I've missed your sour complexion.

I feared this would be a dull affair,

but now the White Wolf is here,
perhaps all is not lost.

Why are you dressed
like a sad silk trader?

- [Jaskier] What?
- Walk with me.

To Mousesack!

- [all cheering] Yeah!
- To Mousesack!

- [laughing heartily]
- [herald] Prince Windhalm of Attre!

I've been advising the Skelligen crown
for years.

A tad rough around the edges,
but they're of the earth. Like me.

- Castellan Haxo.
- Old and crusty.

[cheering]

How long
before this horse trading is done?

I find royalty best taken in...

small doses.

I wouldn't count on leaving before dawn.

These suitors will vie all night
for Princess Pavetta's hand.

Marrying into this monarchy
is a mighty prize.

Who wouldn't want to be king
of the most powerful force in the land?

Hm.

- [cheering]
- [band strikes up]

So, which one of these little shits
is your coin on?

Come with me, there's much for you to see.

[cheering]

[Mousesack] It's not a fair bet.

That red-headed scanderlout over there,
Crach an Craite, will marry Pavetta.

The Lioness has already arranged it
with the boy's uncle,

Eist Tuirseach.

No one would dare make a move
on an alliance that powerful.

Handy with a blade.

- Handy with women, too.
- All an act.

Queen Calanthe refused his proposal
three times after King Roegner d*ed,

despite the two of them
gliding around each other

like courting swans.

No, no, no.

She was not for living
in her husband's shadow again.

[scoffs]

Something about you reminds me

of a scoundrel I once saw
fleeing my wife's chambers!

Um, well...

- Drop your trousers.
- What?

I didn't get a proper look
at the little sh*t's face,

but that pimply arse
I'd remember anywhere.

Well... uh, uh... Ah, Geralt.

[chuckles nervously]

Forgive me, my lord.

This... happens all the time.

It's true, he has the face
of a cad and a coward.

- Mm.
- But, truth be known,

he was kicked in the balls by an ox
as a child.

Well, that's...

tr... true.

Apologies.

Here, drown your...

sorrows on me, eunuch.

Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you so much.

First of all, you hog all the fanfare,

then you go
and ruin my courtly reputation.

I saved your life.
You're on your own from here on.

Try not to get any daggers in your back
before dawn.

[fanfare]

[herald] All rise for
Her Majesty, the Lioness,

Queen Calanthe of Cintra!

Beer!

[loud cheer]

Apologies, noble sirs.

A few upstart townships in the south
needed reminding who was Queen.

[cheering and laughter]

I find it's good
for one's blood and humors.

[jeering]

Ready your suitor's tales of glory,
good lords.

My daughter is eager
to have this over with.

As am I.

Bard, music!

[cheer]

♪ She ♪

No, no, no! A jig!

You can save your bloody maudlin nonsense
for my funeral.

Three, four...

[playing lively tune]

It will be done soon.

You think I wanted to marry your father?

I'll have none of your waterworks here.

You're the daughter of the Lioness,
behave like it!

Perhaps I should have some starving serfs
brought in to slaughter, then.

Or I could decapitate some elves

and have their heads hung about
as a lesson to those who would defy me.

I will not have your hysteria
turn this night upside down.

Besides, that boorish lout is the key

to Cintra holding power
after I taste clay.

He's from good stock.

You could do worse.

I could do better!

You can have who you want
when you're married.

You have your mother's blood.
You'll be fine.

[birds calling]

Where were you headed, Fiona,
to end up so lost?

I was running...

from the w*r.

You...

really don't remember
how you came to be in Brokilon Forest?

Yet you heard it call to you.

There were many forests like it...

before the Conjunction of the Spheres.

We adapted, fought off the mutants
and men who sought our end.

Now only we remain.

Dryads.

[man yelling and groaning]

Dara!

[groaning]

I'm so glad you're alive!

Is he going to be all right?

Bite down on this.

[gasping]

[screams]

[sobs]

- [yelling]
- [hissing]

[Dryad] The waters of Brokilon are potent.

All newcomers to the forest
must drink the waters.

If they bear ill intent towards Brokilon,

they die.

If they're pure in heart, they survive...

and may stay here.

And over time, the waters of Brokilon

will lessen the suffering
they have endured

and make them forget.

I think you'd like that. Am I right...

Fiona?

Because you're scared
of more than just w*r,

aren't you?

You will both drink the waters,

and all will be revealed.

[growling] You lie, you little shite!

You've never faced so much
as a bad meal in your life,

never mind a manticore.

[man] I've had manticores thrice as fat
and ugly as you perish under my steel!

[man 1] Under your bullshit, more like.

- How many stings has it got, then?
- Two.

Hah! Go away and shite!

- It's five. I know.
- Your Majesty, that's Geralt of Rivia.

I've actually k*lled one.

- You...
- [crowd yelling]

Enough!

[chuckles]

We have a renowned guest here tonight.

Perhaps he can declare
which esteemed lord is telling the truth.

[Geralt] Neither.

Are you calling me a liar, old man?

Aah!

The Butcher of Blaviken
bleats utter nonsense.

[laughter]

Perhaps the lords encountered...

rare subspecies of manticore.

[murmuring]

Aye.

[sighs]

[laughing]

Perhaps our esteemed guest would like
to entertain us

with how he slayed the elves
at the edge of the world?

[laughter and cheering]

There was no slaying.

I had my arse kicked
by a ragged band of elves.

[groaning]

I was about to have my throat cut

when Filavandrel let me go.

[jeering]

But the song!

Yeah, the song.

At least when Filavandrel's blade
kissed my throat, I didn't sh*t myself.

Which is all I can hope for you,
good lords.

At your final breath,

a shitless death.

[man] Not going to sh*t meself...

But I doubt it.

[laughter]

It would have been your blade
at Filavandrel's throat

had you been there, Your Majesty.

[loud cheer]

Not that any elven bastard would crawl
from their lair to meet you on the field.

Any man willing to paint himself
in the shadow of his failures

will make for far more interesting
conversation this night.

Come, Witcher.

Take a seat by my side while I change.

Hm.

[Dryads conversing]

Why did she call you Fiona?

Mousesack, he... helped raise me and...

he warned me not to let anyone know
who I was outside the castle.

- And now, the Black Knight is after me.
- Castle?

I'm Princess Cirilla...

- of Cintra.
- [gasps]

What's the matter?

Your grandmother slaughtered my family!

No, that's not true.

She ordered it.

- After Filavandrel's uprising...
- She wouldn't do that.

Her soldiers...

they laughed when they did it.

k*lling, raping...

They laughed the hardest

when they were swinging babies
from their legs,

smashing their heads in.

I was the only one left.

Because I hid.

I should've saved them.

Or fought and d*ed.

Uh...

- I don't know what to say.
- Say nothing.

They're gone now.

I would do anything to forget who I was.

I can't.

I have to find my destiny.

Why? Because your grandmother said
you should?

Maybe you should start thinking
for yourself.

Because she is dead.

And you are here.

[band playing]

Damn this cursed thing.

I'd as soon see this night out in armor.

As would I.

Indeed.

Tell me, how does a witcher find himself
at my daughter's wedding feast

dressed like a... [laughs]

I'm protecting the bard
from vengeful royal cuckolds.

Hm!

Idiots, the lot of them.

Still, I'm glad of your company,
which could prove handy.

I have no doubt
blood will spill here tonight.

Ah, save the good Queen's breath.

I'm not for hire as a bodyguard.

You were hired just so by the bard.

I'm helping the idiot free of his coin.

[scoffs] And he's the idiot?

I'm simply saying,
surely if all goes to hell here tonight,

I can count on you
to strategically remove certain irritants

that may present themselves?

I'd do so myself,

only I'm bound to uphold an artifice
of decorum and... fairness.

Hey.

I can't help you.

So perilously direct.

As Queen, I could command it.

If I were one of your subjects.

I could t*rture you so very slowly
into compliance.

Her Majesty will do as she wishes.
I'm not for turning.

Oh, come now.

Everyone has their price.

Lord Peregrine of Nilfgaard.

[man] Good chance, Peregrine, aah!

[man 2] Go on, Lord Peregrine!

- [bagpipes blare]
- [loud laughter]

[bagpipes blare]

Make another sound, Draig Bon-Dhu,

and I'll have your guts sewn into pipes
and sent to your mother.

[Lord Peregrine] Queen Calanthe,

my marriage to your daughter will unite
the jewels of the north and south,

forging an unbreakable alliance
that none would dare cross.

And...

I am one of five brothers with no sisters.

My potent seed inside Pavetta will produce
the strongest of male heirs.

[Calanthe]
Cintra is indeed the jewel of the north,

yet Nilfgaard remains the sh*t rag
of the south, and that's saying something!

[laughter and jeering]

Tell me, is it true you drink piss water
and feast on your own young?

[laughter and applause]

Nilfgaardian kings don't remain kings
for long.

Who will take the Usurper's crown? You?

How long will you last?

A year? A month? A day?

[cheering]

Lord Steergart of Kaedwen.

[cheering and stamping]

[neighing]

I know what they say,
"Poor Queen Kalis, another girl."

- [baby coos]
- I mean, I'm just a womb to him.

No more than a fleshy contraption
for squeezing out heirs.

Bastard cares more about his hounds
than he does me.

Take her.

- Shh.
- [baby gurgling]

Why don't you stay in Lyria?
Keep me company.

As soon as I've delivered Your Majesty
safely back to court,

I'm afraid I must return to Aedirn.

I envy you. Truly.

A king's mage.

- How splendid!
- [baby cries]

Oh!

Oh, come, now. We've been traveling
together for days. Speak freely.

I love...

that I traded everything
to get my seat at court.

I love that I believed
that it would all be worth it,

that this would be my legacy.

The greatest mage
to have ever graced a court.

And I really, really love...

that instead,
I've gotten to spend the last...

three decades

cleaning up stupid political messes.

Glorified royal arse wiper.

[sighs]

I have it far worse.

People look at you for who you are,
not for what you can give them.

You made the right choice,
giving all that nonsense up.

To this baby, I am the whole world.

If only it weren't so boring.

[horse neighs]

[gasps]

[man shouts] Who is that...

- [men groaning]
- [weapons clashing]

- [thump]
- [neighing]

[screaming]

- [weapons clashing]
- [blows landing]

[man yelling]

[Kalis screaming]

[screams]

[whimpering]

[gasping]

[chittering]

[snarling]

[squealing]

- Run!
- [sobbing]

[Kalis screaming]

Go!

[screeching]

- [screaming]
- Run!

[baby crying]

[gasping]

I'll have that brigand's head on a pike

outside the King's castle
before nightfall.

How dare he?

That was an assassin,

not a brigand.

What are you saying?

He was paid to k*ll you.

What?

Why?

It appears you've run out of chances
to provide your King a male heir.

No, he wouldn't.

- Oh, that prick!
- [whooshing]

- [screams]
- Go!

[screeching]

- Go!
- [yells]

[screams]

[baby crying]

We're being tracked!

Think! What did the King give you
that could be traced?

[whooshing]

- [screams]
- Come on!

[screams]

[speaking Elder]

[screams]

I can't hold it!

Hurry!

[screams]

- [screams]
- [screeches]

[baby wailing]

[whooshing]

They're still tracking us.

[groans]

[sobbing]

[groans]

Get up, you useless witch.

How could you not foresee this?
You were supposed to protect me.

[screams]

[creature snarling]

Oh, you horrible, useless bitch!

[sobs]

[groans]

♪ Oh, fishmonger, oh, fishmonger ♪

♪ Come quell your daughter's hunger ♪

- ♪ To pull on my horn ♪
- [all clapping in time]

♪ As it rises in the morn ♪

♪ For 'tis naught but bad luck ♪

♪ To f*ck with a puck ♪

♪ Lest your grandkid be born ♪

♪ A hairy young faun ♪

♪ Bleating and braying all day, hey ho ♪

♪ The fishmonger's daughter, ba, ba ♪

How much more of this peacocking
must I endure?

This...

All this
because male tradition demands it.

If I were a man,

I could simply tell the whole lot of them
to f*ck off,

declare outright who Pavetta should marry
and have done with it.

[scoffs]

Or, better yet,
let the poor girl decide her own fate.

Something tells me
this isn't the first time

you've navigated the vagaries
of male tradition.

In fact,

I'd wager you thrive on it.

Spoken as one
who has navigated his own share of fools.

Hm.

Tell me, Witcher,

why are there so few of you left?

[guests cheering and applauding]

Hm.

[sighs]

It is no longer possible
to create more of us,

since the sacking of Kaer Morhen.

[guests cheering and whistling]

Tell me, Your Majesty...

why do you risk your life
on the b*ttlefield

when you can rest on your throne?

Because there is a simplicity
in k*lling monsters, is there not?

Seems we are quite the pair,
Geralt of Rivia.

Hmm.

Crach! It's time.

Get your hairy ass up here.

- [crashing]
- [weapons clashing]

Forgive my late intrusion,
Your Majesty,

and for the misunderstanding
with your guards.

Please! I come in peace.

I need but one moment of your time.

I am Lord Urcheon of Erlenwald,

and I have come to claim
your daughter's hand in marriage.

A knight...

of no renown...

from a backwater hamlet...

who dares to enter my court

without revealing his face?

I apologize, Your Majesty.

A knight's oath prevents me
from revealing my face

- until the sounding of the twelfth bell.
- Bollocks to that.

- [yelps]
- [guests gasping]

[growls]

Witcher...

- k*ll it.
- No.

- Whatever the price.
- This is no monster.

[Calanthe] I order you.

This knight has been cursed.

You're as useless as the rest of them.

Slay this beast!

- [gasps]
- [yells]

Lioness of Cintra,

I come to claim what is rightfully mine!

Pavetta.

By the Law of Surprise.

[swords being drawn]

[groans]

- Oh...
- No!

k*ll them both!

The Law of Surprise has been called.

You k*ll them...

k*ll me.

[yelling]

[roars]

My Queen...

Stop!

Stop!

Please.

- [baby cries]
- I can give him a boy.

Take her instead.

[creature chittering]

As a sacrifice.

[screeches]

[screams]

[screams]

[speaks Elder]

[sobs]

[speaks Elder]

[wails]

Duny!

Oh!

[murmuring]

Oh.

I told you to stay away.

Your Majesty...

the witcher speaks the truth.

I was cursed as a young boy.

My whole life a living misery

until the day that I saved your husband,
King Roegner, from a certain death.

By tradition,

I chose the Law of Surprise as payment.

Whatever windfall he came home to find...

- would be mine.
- Oh, the stupid bastard.

Better you had let him die!

[Geralt] You knew he'd come,

and you pushed me to k*ll him.

And you...

carousing with the beast
that swindled your stupid father!

'Tis no swindle.

Asking for payment
with the Law of Surprise

is as old as mankind itself.

- Don't lecture me, Eist.
- It's an honest gamble.

As likely to be rewarded
with a bumper crop

as a newborn pup.

Or...

a child of surprise.

He could not know.

Destiny has determined
the surprise be Pavetta.

When I heard that King Roegner
had returned to find a child on the way...

I abandoned all thought
of claiming the Law of Surprise.

I knew...

I knew no woman would ever accept me
like this.

And so I waited.

I waited until the twelfth bell
when the curse breaks.

I never intended to meet her.

Just to watch from afar.

Until destiny intervened...

and our hearts collided.

And at dawn,
I awoke with her in my arms and me...

like this.

Who are we to challenge destiny?

Life was saved, debt must be paid,

or the whole order
of the world falls apart.

[Mousesack] Honor destiny's wish,

or unleash its wrath upon us.

There is no us!

I bow to no law made by men
who never bore a child!

Is there not a man amongst you
who does not cower before destiny?

You, Witcher...

who has known monsters
of every fang and claw...

are you afraid too?

No.

I've seen mothers lash themselves raw
over the death of a child,

believing they crossed destiny,

ignoring the stench

of the 50 other children
in the plague cart outside.

Destiny...

helps people believe there's an order
to this horseshit.

There isn't.

But a promise made must be honored.

As true for a commoner...

as it is for a queen.

[sighs]

I love Duny, Mother.

I will marry him.

I will finally be free.

Here is your destiny.

No!

My Queen, are you hurt?

[speaking Elder]

[wind howling]

[whispered chanting in Elder]

[whispering voices overlapping]

[chanting continuing]

[yells]

[Pavetta gasps]

[gasping]

[sighs]

[gasps]

[sighs]

Do you believe in destiny now?

[grunts]

[sighs]

I thought
your grandmother's gift had skipped you...

as it did me.

It seems I was wrong.

About so many things.

Destiny has spoken!

And I have listened.

The Law of Surprise will be honored.

Pavetta will marry...

Lord Urcheon.

[murmuring]

React poorly,

and you won't just face the Lioness,

you will be facing
the sea hounds of Skellige.

Because Queen Calanthe...

has agreed to my proposal of marriage.

There will be two vows here tonight!

I assume that's agreeable.

Delightful.

No!

- [swords clashing]
- [men shouting]

- [horses neighing]
- [explosions]

[women screaming]

[gasps]

Dara?

[sighs]

Dara?

I drank the waters.

It's gonna be okay.

What's going to be okay?

Everything.

Leave your past behind.

Join us.

Drink and forget.

Why isn't it working?

Come.

Shan-Kayan calls to you.

[bird calling]

Which one of us are you here for?

I'm sorry you didn't have a life.

But if truth be told,
you're not missing much.

I know it's easy for me to say
with warm breath in my lungs,

and you with nothing.

Still... what would you have had?

Parents?

Well, they're the ones
who wrote your last act,

so not much lost there.

Friends?

Most likely fair weather.

Lovers?

Fun for a bit, I'll admit,
but all eventually disappoint.

And let's face it,

you're a girl.

Your mother was right about one thing.

We're just vessels.

And even when we're told we're special,

as I was,

as you would've been,

we're still just vessels...

for them to take...

and take...

until we're empty...

and alone.

[sighs]

So, count yourself lucky.

You've cheated the game and won
without even knowing it.

[sighs]

Sleep well.

Pavetta.

Duny.

With my blessing...

I thee bind.

[sighs]

[barks]

[grunting]

- [growling]
- [gasps]

[growling and moaning]

[wheezes]

[gasps]

The twelfth bell has not yet rung.

What has happened?

I think your blessing of this marriage...

has fulfilled a destiny.

The curse has been lifted.

Whew! [laughs]

I think this has the makings
of my greatest ballad yet.

If you're alive in the morning. Don't...

grope for trout in any peculiar rivers
until dawn.

No, wait! Wait.

You saved my life.

I must repay you.

You've proven yourself to be
the kind of man who would do the same.

- I want nothing.
- No, please.

Please, Geralt of Rivia, do not feel
like you're doing me a service.

I cannot start a new life
in the shadow of a life debt.

Fine.

I...

claim the tradition as you have,

the Law of Surprise.

Give me that which you already have
but do not know.

[Calanthe] No!

What have you done, Witcher?

Fear not, Your Majesty,

if I am seen in your kingdom again,
it'll be to k*ll a real monster,

not lay claim to a crop or a new pup.

Destiny can go fu...

Pavetta?

Are you...

Oh...

f*ck.

Clearly the girl has access
to immense primal power.

Yeah, and with no idea how to control it.

I'm gonna stay.

Guide her.

[sighs]

- You're a good man, Mousesack.
- You should stay too.

This has been enough partying for me.

I'm getting out of here.

Alone.

You're bound to this now, Geralt.

Whether you like it or not.

I'm not for changing.

You know me better than that.

Yes, I do, but you can't outrun destiny
just because you're terrified of it.

It's coming, Geralt.

Not believing won't change that.

Bullshit.

This was just a girl using her magic
to stop her mother from gutting her lover.

- Nothing more.
- So you say.

But the bond that will come into being
between you

and this child...

when it is born, will be extraordinary.

If you dismiss it,
leave without claiming this...

child surprise,

you will surely unleash true calamity
upon us all.

I'll take that chance.

[sighs]

Mind yourself.

True words are rare birds
in courts like this.

Watch for daggers in your back.

Or, more likely, poison.

Be careful, old friend.

[sighs]

Queen Calanthe.

Mistress, I've found her!

[grunts]

Is it working?

Calanthe's progeny is in Brokilon Forest.

We can spare ten thousand men
to take it, sir.

- Maybe 12.
- Shut up!

Armies are not the way
into Brokilon Forest.

Damn it!

[gasps]

- Come on, get moving!
- [yelps]

[whispering voices]

You must drink from the source.

[gasps]

What are you, child?