I Don't Want to Be a Man (1918)

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I WOULDN'T LIKE TO BE A MAN

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS
by Ernst Lubitsch

Cast:

Direction:

Decoration and Set Design:

FIRST ACT

Is that proper for a young girl?

I was playin' a bit o' poker.

When I was your age - -!

Come on, that was a long time ago.

I really don't understand
how a lady can smoke.

Now what's all this?

I'm slugging back my troubles.

Well, it looks like you've got
a few nasty troubles of your own!

Would you allow us to serenade you?

We'd like something sweet too.

Where are you off to, then?!

Oh, if Petrus only knew about this...!

Dearest Councillor of Commerce,

The institution you have planned
has now been founded.

It is essential that you come.

Behave yourself, so you make
your governess very happy.

See, you're supposed to be happy
with me.

And you want to be a refined young girl?

I don't want that at all!

I think the poor child's
going to be pretty miserable.

What are you up to?

Dilly-dallying!

What would your uncle say about this?

Oh, I'm feeling pretty awful!

Your new guardian.

You're the guardian
who's in for a rude awakening?

Stand up when you're addressing me!!

Now curtsy!

Lower!

Gracious Miss, your car is here.

Young girls your age
belong in bed at this time!

I'll break you down yet!

Down to here!

What a petty man!

Why didn't I come into this world
as a boy.

END OF THE FIRST ACT

SECOND ACT

I'd like an evening-suit.

Measurements -

By which gentleman do you wish
to be served?

Perhaps the gentlemen will compromise.

Me - the left arm!

Me - the right arm!

And what'll be leftover here
for me then?

Ossi emancipates herself

Good heavens does a man
not have it easy.

And this here's not as simple as it looks.

The world's mine at any price!

A charming lad!

Such a cheeky boy -
won't even stand up!!

Well no need to make such a fuss!
After all, you're a man!

That's what you say!

In the Mause-Palast

Rough folk - these men!

Take a look at this one!

Well, junior?

Ruthless people, these women!

Stupid fellow!

I'll seduce her away from him
in no time.

Don't clobber me!

I swear I won't do it again.

That's women!

And you're here squabbling with me?

END OF THE SECOND ACT

"I Wouldn't Like to Be a Man!"
THIRD ACT

After the Ball's End

You keep puffing - inhale already!

You're making such a wretched face!

I feel wretched, too!

Maybe not, then.

Well - how you doin' now?

It's better not to ask!

To brotherhood!

What's your name, anyway?

It's better not to ask!

Today I'm noticin' for the first time
that the earth's spinning!

So where are we off to?

Go straight ahead.

Y'aren't quite on the wagon yerself.

Ossi's his name?

Oh, he's pissed all right!

He's in the bathtub?

I want to see my governess.

Come now, wipe away your tears.

I haven't got a handkerchief!

Well well, what brings you here?

I'm here to visit my cousin.

Don't tell the little one
anything of our adventure.

Promise!

The lass is pretty cute, too!

I beg to differ.

Well, already out of the bathtub?

Out of which bathtub?

Well, out of the bathtub.

Naturally,
one can't stay in there forever!

Being a man, -
that's exhausting stuff!

Ossi has to get up.
I'll wake her right away.

No one wakes the way I wake!

I'm an old alarm clock!

That's right, the one and only!

And you let yourself be kissed by me?

Well - didn't you like how it tasted?

I'll break you down yet!

Down to here!

I wouldn't like to be a man!