05x07 - Welcome, Traveler

[bunniefuu]

Okay, how do I look?

Like a vision, an angel descended from heaven--

in short, meow!

Whatever it is you want, no.

I want nothing but to wish you well

on your other-realm egghead retreat.

You just want to get rid of me so you can have

one of your wild bachelor weekends.

Of all the times for Hilda

to be picking coffee beans in Honduras.

You don't have to worry about me partying.

I'll be having a quiet weekend

curled up with Memoirs of a Geisha.

I appreciate that.

The last thing I want to do is

stress out about you while I'm at Genius-palooza.

Hurry up and get out of here so I can start missing you.

( closet doorbell rings )

Who could that be?

I'm not expecting anyone...

so soon.

Mrs. Saberhagen?

We've got your order here for folding chairs

deluxe fajita bar, three gallons of guacamole

and... one pinata.

You must be having one heck of a party.

Fiesta!

The fiesta's over, gato stupido.

Can't I at least keep the pinata?

You are the pinata.

( whimpering )

You mean a stomach full of candy?

Oh Henry, show me the nougat!



Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine

♪ I'm reaching out and living by my rules... ♪

♪ Time's moving way too fast ♪

♪ I wanna make it last... ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm out on my own now ♪

♪ And I like the way it feels. ♪



And that brings us

to the very crux of existentialism.

Now, can anyone... prove to me that this chair exists?

Ms. Spellman?

According to Descartes

the fact that I perceive the chair

and the fact that I perceive myself

based on the fact that you perceive me...

Anyone else?

Mr. Goodman, prove to me

that this chair exists.

What chair?

Brilliant.

Class, take note

of Mr. Goodman's unconventional perspective

on the so-called... obvious.

Dismissed.



Great, now the other kids are going to b*at me up.

Miles, this isn't grade school.

"Grade school"? Try K through .

Hey, Goodman...

I think I can take the girl.

I got your back.

Great job in Philosophy.

"What chair?"-- Brilliant.

Oh, thanks.

I wonder if it'll work with, "What homework?"

You know, technically, there really was a chair in there.

It was brown. You could see it.

Forget it.

We just wanted to say that we're blown away

by your intellect and your whole take on life.

You seem like the kind of guy who's open to new ideas.

Definitely. You should see

the bizarre electronic equipment he has in his room

and he claims he can communicate with... no one.

Jason and I just joined a group you might be interested in.

It's dedicated to the exploration of alternate realities

and the search for truth in the universe.

Wow, sounds like it's right up your alley.

We have open meetings every Friday night

and we'd love it if you came by.

No, thanks. I'm not...

He'll be there.

Great. Bye.



Since when are you my mother?

I'm not going to that group

and I'm not calling you and Dad when I get there.

You know, you never go out.

Do you have any social life at all?

This is it. I'm making eye contact and everything.

You're always talking

about alternate realities and junk like that.

It puts most people to sleep

but those two think you're a god.

In case you haven't noticed,

I don't feel real comfortable around large groups of people.

What do you consider a large group?

Anyone more than me.

( doorbell rings )

Come on in.

Money's on the coffee table.



Hello.

Canton Gardens.

( TV playing )

I'm stealing all your furniture.



Thank you...

for the lousy tip.



That idiot forgot the fortune cookies.

I did not forget the fortune cookies!

What did you say?

Uh...

meow?

Hey, maybe we should invite Miles

to come to the movies with us.

Do we have to?

We're meeting normal people tonight.

What if I promise he won't use

the words "Roswell," "Bigfoot" or "Klingon"?

We still have to deal with his latest conspiracy theory--

"The moon landing was a total hoax."

Look, I happen to know there's a whole group of people

that are very interested in what Miles thinks

and not just psychiatrists.

Miles: Come in, Sabrina.

Thanks for the secret knock.

Oh, no problem, and don't worry, I wasn't followed.

New toy?

Been saving for this baby since I was .

This is the Argonaut XR- --

eight-inch parabolic primary mirror

-millimeter focal length

so powerful, pointing it at the moon is like being there

which is a lot more than I can say

for Mr. Neil Armstrong.

Now, how about taking a break

and coming with us to the movies?

No, thanks.

I'm staying in tonight.

Miles, you can't stay in every night.

How's everyone going to know what a great guy you are if...

Hey, can you point this thing at the men's weight room?

Ah, apparently you can.

Hello...

The truth is I was thinking about going

to that alternate reality group tonight

but... I feel weird going alone.

Oh, well, Roxie and I'll go with you.

-Really? -Yeah. You know, we can go to the movies anytime

but how many times do you get

to seek out universal truth?

How are you going to get Roxie to come along?

I'm going to lie.

Mmm...

All you have to do is talk for me

and you get the chow mein, mmm?

Mmm...

Pork.

( whimpering ): Oh...

the other white meat.

Fine!

I'm talking, see?!

Now give me my chow mein.

I knew I wasn't crazy.

You are a talking cat.

You could make me a very wealthy man.

I could quit this stupid job

and move back home to Tokyo.

Hold the phone.

Why's a Japanese guy working in a Chinese restaurant?

Why is a cat talking?

Oh, that's right-- to make me rich.

You're coming with me.

Oh, I knew I should've ordered pizza.

This isn't a movie theater.

You lied to me.

All in the name of truth.

Okay...

I see the Crab Nebula.

I'm starting to feel at home.

And I'm ready to go home.

It looks like they're showing a movie in there.



Man: Human cells contain

the very same primordial elements

that compose all heavenly bodies throughout the universe.

We are children of the stars.

Yes. I've always maintained that.

Join me, Jim Tom, on an epic journey

to meet your mortal challenge and discover your cosmic soul.

Or better yet, your cosmic Soul Train.

Anyone feel like dancing?

Miles, I am so glad you made it.

Hey, Catherine, how's it going?

You remember Sabrina?

Philosophy class... girl in the front row...

sees chairs that aren't really there.

Doesn't ring a bell.

And this is...

Ida.

Ida rather be anywhere else than here.

What did you think of the video?

I just caught the end, but it seemed to completely parallel my world view.

Jim Tom is a brilliant thinker

and we told him how insightful you are.

He was very impressed.

With me?

Oh, yes.

Come and meet some of the others.

How perfect are they together?

Roxie: It's like someone took Ken and Barbie

and dunked them in the freak machine.

What's with you, Roxie?

I mean, maybe these people aren't exactly like us

but that doesn't make them freaks.

Man: Greetings.

My Jim Tom crystal was picking up

powerful vibrations from you.

Permission to touch your aura?

Uh, let's just be friends.

I'm Sabrina and this is...

Someone who was told she was going to the movies.

And you are?

Name's Chuck, but names aren't important here.

What counts is on the inside.

Don't worry, I have pepper spray in my bag.

So, what's the deal with this Jim Tom guy?

Does he have an uncle in the pillow business?

Oh, Jim Tom feels

that the closer we are to Earth

them more freely we can absorb its knowledge.

Oh, so you learn through your butt?

( laughing )

Yeah, Jim Tom appreciates humor.

He's an open, nurturing man.

All he asks is that we-we maintain

a respectful distance from... his forbidden zone.

Both: Excuse me?

That.

It's his inner space.

It leads to a place of mystery

a place of magic.

I'm ready for that movie.

-How about you? -Absolutely.

About time!

Where were you?

Leaving messages for every talent agency

from here to Hollywood sign.

You are going to make me filthy rich.

You'll headline in Vegas

and have your own TV show

where you dispense justice with attitude!

Your little moneymaking scheme is over.

At any moment, my friends are going

to crash through that curtain

to rescue me.

Just watch.

I took a sh*t.

Hey, Rox.

Hey, Miles wasn't

in Philosophy today.

Have you seen him?

He came in after you left for class

changed clothes and headed back to Jim Tom's house.

He's been there three days in a row.

That's what usually happens when you join a cult.

Roxie, it's not a cult.

It's just a... group of lost souls

who worship one guy and don't question

anything he says.

Maybe I should go check on Miles.

Jim Tom changed my life.

Before him ( door closing )

my life was about material things--

my helicopter, my winery--

but I traded all that

for Jim Tom's gift of enlightenment.

( chuckling )

Oh, Lordy.

Oh, brother.

Miles, step away from the little man

and come with me.

Hey, Sabrina, what are you doing here?

I'm a little worried. I haven't seen you in a few days.

I'm doing great.

I'm meeting wonderful, intelligent people

and I'm learning so much from Jim Tom.

He has incredible powers.

Well, so did Spiderman

but he didn't ask people to give up their helicopters.

No, real stuff.

He has the psychic ability

to communicate with plants and insects

and also--

usually you have to be a full-fledged traveler

before you hear this-- he's a witch.

A what?

Tom: A witch.

I don't believe we've met.

This is Sabrina.

Sabrina, I'm Jim Tom.

Glad to have you aboard on this special journey.



Welcome, traveler.



Miles, do you really believe that Jim Tom is a witch?

I know it sounds weird, but I've seen the man do amazing things--

appear out of thin air, make stuff vanish.

But witches aren't supposed to go around

announcing they're witches.

And you would know that... how?

Well... if I was a witch

you know, I-I... I would...

I wouldn't be blabbing it all over town.



Look at that. Don't you wish you could levitate?

Interesting technique.

Got to go.



Then the hooker says, "Pi to the sixth quadrant."

( cheering )

Hi, Aunt Zelda.

Oh. Sabrina.

Who would have guessed that geniuses knew the wave?

Oh, we eggheads love to let it all hang out.

I wish you could have been at Isaac Newton's last night.

The things that man can do with an apple.

Anyway, Aunt Zelda, I just came by to ask you a question.

Have you ever heard of a guy named Jim Tom?

No. Who is he?

He's the leader of a cult that Miles just joined.

Why did Miles join a cult?

I told him to.

But that's beside the point.

Anyway, Jim Tom is claiming he's a witch.

Ooh, I'd hate to think one of our own

is using his powers for evil.

( cheering )

Well, is there any way for me to tell if he's really a witch?

Well, you'll have to perform the knuckle test.

Oh, of course, the knuckle test.

What's the knuckle test?

You steal a hair from his left pinkie knuckle.

If the hair curls, he's not a witch.

Is there any other way?

Be thankful-- when I was a girl

you had to go in through the nose.

Ew!

( cheering )



Oh, so this is the inner space.

I guess the cult business pays pretty well.

I'll join you right after I cleanse my soul.

Time to be a fly on the wall.

( buzzing )

Must have garbage.

No. Got to focus.

( phone ringing )

Yello. Jim Tom.

Hey, Harry.

Yeah, it's been a very fruitful week.

Uh-huh.

I have seen my early retirement package

and his name is Miles Goodman.

Okay, well, we know he's a crook.

Now let's find out if he's a witch.

Hey, how about you and I taking a cruise

down to the Bahamas for a little R and R?

Ow!

( buzzing )

It's official-- he's not a witch.

And he's got eczema.

Uh-oh.

Got to fly.

Darn!



Huh. Close call.

Whoo! That would have been a nightmare to shave.

Oh, hi, Chuck.

Sorry to rain on your psychic parade

but have you seen Miles?

He went home to get something for Jim Tom.

Well, what are you people eating?

Mung beans and rice.

Woman: Jim Tom said

that pure living starts

with a strict vegetarian diet.

So he's a witch and a nutritionist?



All: Greetings, traveler!

Oh, greetings... fellow travelers.

Sabrina, you're back.

Yeah. Who could miss "mung beans and rice" night?

What are you doing with your telescope?

Sabrina, it's not my telescope

any more than this is my planet

or these are my hands.

Jim Tom tells us possession should not take over our lives.

The Jim Tom Teachings. Chapter seven, verse -- travelers?

All: "You've got enough; give up your stuff."

That's it? Those are his pearls of wisdom?

Look, Miles, everyone...

Okay, I've got something to tell you

and I'll try to be delicate.

Jim Tom is a big fat liar.

He's a fake, a phony, a con

a cheater, a chiseler, a bamboozler, a swindler...

-He's bunco, bogus... -Sabrina, stop.

Jim Tom already warned us our friends would say that about him.

Because it's true-- I overheard him talking

in his stupid inner space.

Easy there-- we don't go around

insulting your forbidden zone.

Jim Tom is planning to take all your money.

That's ridiculous.

All Jim Tom is trying to do is give us a better life

and lead us to true happiness.

But you were happy before.

Remember? You were so excited to just look at the moon.

And then you told me to get involved on this planet

and now, for the first time in my life

I feel connected with myself, with other people

and with the universe.

Sabrina, thanks to you, I feel whole.

Yeah? Well... get over it.



( knocking on door )

Who is it?

Delivery. Canton Gardens.



Hmm, food in one hand; cat in the other.

You give me a discount

or I report you to the health department.

This isn't just any cat.

It's a talking cat.

He's going to make me rich.

Tell him, cat.

I'll get my wallet.



You really irritate me.

You embarrass me, Simon.

The name's Salem, you idiot.

If you're going to hold me hostage

you could at least show me some respect

and call me by my real... meow.

Meow. Aw, geez.

This is a miracle.

A divine sign from a higher power.

I must own it.

I'm not for sale. Make an offer.

$ , , and that includes the takeout.

Sold.

( gasps )

Okay, Chuck, let's go with your argument.

Let's say that anyone who levitates is a witch.

Well, magicians levitate

and David Copperfield is a magician, ergo...

David Copperfield is a witch!

No! No, no, no.

Okay, let's start again.

Okay, if a person pulls a rabbit out of a hat

we call this person a...?

-A witch! -No!

Sabrina, I think it would be a good idea if you left now.

( sighs )

( expl*si*n )

Fellow travelers, I have a special treat for you.

Tonight I have proof

the mortal challenge has been met.

I present to you a genuine cosmic soul

an ancient, gifted prophet who has chosen to visit us

in a unique form.

( travelers gasping )

Salem?

Stealthy messenger from beyond

revered by witches and pharaohs

please... share with us your wisdom.

Birds fly, dogs walk, but this cat no longer talks.

Anytime you're ready, cosmic soul.

Anytime now.

Talk amongst yourselves.

I think this little charade proves my point.

Of course the cat's not going to speak.

He's picking up on your negative energy.

A prophet can't reveal himself to a nonbeliever.

Okay, I didn't want to have to resort to this. Look.

Jim Tom: You backstabbing little vermin eater.

I shelled out ten grand for you.

If I tell you to talk, you had better talk.

Those idiots aren't going to keep falling

for that levitation trick.

Idiots?

He can't be talking about us.

Sure, I can string Chuck along.

He's got oatmeal for brains.

I've got to find a new angle

to keep the rest of those losers sucked in.

Sabrina was right-- Jim Tom is a hoax.

Look, his inner space, it's not a spiritual haven--

it's a bachelor pad.

That's my mobile wet bar.

That's my faux tiger skin.

That's my couch!

He said he was going to donate it to an orphanage.

Which one, Our Lady Of Saint Hefner?

Jim Tom also said we had to become vegetarians.

So why is he eating Mongolian Beef?

Brother! We've been had!

This stinks!

Are you okay?

I can't believe I got conned like this.

( powerful wind whistling )

How did you get in here?

Well, if you were a witch, you'd know.

And next time you're going to impersonate one, please

do something original.

( roaring )

Everybody's on to you.

All your cosmic travelers have left

because they know what kind of person you really are--

a charlatan and a thief.

You know, you and I could make a lot of money together.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

You're out of the cult business, Jim Tom.

But I have no other skills.

( thunder crashing )

I'll get some.



Tail of rat, wing of bat, allow this cat to chit and chat.

Oh! Sabrina, you saved my life!

Jim Tom said he was going to do

unspeakable things to me if I didn't talk.

( sobbing ): He... he...

( stops sobbing ): He took the Mongolian beef!

Hey.

Hey, Miles.

Oh, you got back my telescope.

-Thanks, Sabrina. -No problem.

I'm sorry I pushed you to get involved with Jim Tom.

You didn't force me to join that group.

And it wasn't all bad.

I might have temporarily lost my mind, but...

I gained a few friends.

Really?

Yeah. After we left Jim Tom's

all the ex-travelers went out for chicken and waffles.

Well, at least it's better than mung beans.

Sabrina, I've got to tell you, the way you went in there

and put yourself on the line for me was... incredible.

You're a really good friend.

Thanks, Miles.

And if you ever get involved with people

who claim to be from another realm

I'll be the first to bust the thing wide open.

Hopefully, you won't have to go in through the nose.

Private joke.



Zelda: I'm back.

Oh! Sabrina please don't tell Zelda what happened.

She'll never let me stay alone again.

Exactly, she'll make you stay with me-- my lips are sealed.

Hey.

Hey. So how was the rest of genius camp?

Well... Da Vinci was a dream

Kierkegaard was a lech

and Einstein short-sheeted my bed.

How was your weekend, Salem?

Very quiet, nothing out of the ordinary.

-Right, Sabrina? -Right.

( doorbell rings ) Pizza guy. I'll get the money.

Oh. I'll get the door.



That'll be $ . .

Just put it right over there.



( growls )

You!

You!

You!

No charge.
--] None