05x08 - Some of My Best Friends Are Half-Mortals

[bunniefuu]

OK, thanks for coming......and thanks even more for going.

Finally, the riffraff has left the building.

And the moon Io is comprised mainly of ice crystals and sulphur dioxide.

Wow, I've never met anyone who knows so much about Jupiter.

It's like you've been there.

Three summer's in a row.

You-who!

The sign says coffeehouse, not boarding house.

Let's pack it up, big guy.

Excuse my aunt, she didn't get the subtly chromosome.

That's OK, I gotta' get going anyway.

But, argh...how about we finish up this tutoring session over pasta Saturday night?

Oh, I'd love to.

I could explain the difference between apogee and linguini.

Something tells me one of those isn't a noodle.

OK, junior, bust a move.

Sabrina, grab a mop and start cleaning up.

I'm trying to make a midnight movie.

See you Saturday.

Named after Saturn.

Quick question: are you trying to deliberately ruin my dating life?

First of all, he asked you out.

And secondly, I don't have to try to ruin dates, I have a natural gift for it.

Oh, well we're all special in our own way.

OK, I have ten minutes to get to Rocky Horror, and I still have to change into my costume.

Oh, wait – I love Rocky Horror, can I come with you?

Aargh, if you can clean up this whole place in thirty seconds.

Way more time than I need.

Sabrina, I forgot to get your number and I wanted......wow, what happened?

Two seconds ago this place was a mess.

Oh, well...I am a whiz with the mop.

Yeah...argh, I was a little nervous asking you out in the first place because you're so much smarter than me.

I got a hunch you're better at everything.

Let's just forget about Saturday.

Talk about low self-esteem.

Who does he remind me of?

Oh, yeah...me.

He was cute, too.

Why'd I have to do magic and scare him off?

I guess I inherited that date k*ller gene too.

On the upside, it's the same gene that lets us do this.

Freaky!

Aw, my tooth!

Silence, wench.

I'm trying to read Liz Smith.

Apparently the Material Girl really digs that Kabbalah.

I appreciate your concern.

Well, I'd give you the name of my dentist, but you have to get neutered at the same time.

Thanks, but I have an appointment with Dr.Axelrod in the Other Realm.

Could you pick me up some whitening solution for my incisors?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you cut back on the double espressos?

Please!

I quit smoking.

This is all I have left.

Morning.

How was Rocky Horror?

I got rice in my hair and toast in my bustier.

Huge success.

But I don't think Sabrina enjoyed herself.

Didn't get any food in her nightie?

She was obsessing over this mortal guy.

You know the story: boy meets girl, girl uses magic, boy dumps girl.

Girl goes to Rocky Horror with Aunt.

Aunt sits on melted Raisinets.

Aunt changes seat.

Aunt seats on guy in garter belt...

Hello!

Back to Sabrina.

I just wish she could find a nice witch to go out with.

It's so tricky dating mortals.

Mortals?

It's tricky dating anything with a pulse.

Plants I'm good with.

So, how are things in the Mortal Realm?

You know, my son Derek goes to school in the Mortal Realm, huh.

Boston College.

He's on a hockey scholarship.

Why he had to go to school in the Mortal Realm is beyond me.

He could've gone to school here, found himself a nice witch and settled down.

Good looking kid, huh?

I really appreciate you guys letting me come home and take a few leftovers.

You left the baking soda.

Was that intentional?

I'm back!

Salem, here's your whitening solution.

Oh, and the dentist happened to throw in some mouthwash.

How helpful for my halitosis.

Oh, Sabrina, I see you're doing your weekly shopping.

Now all I need is a cute guy to help me carry this to the car.

Well, you're in luck.

Dr.Axelrod happened to mention that he has a terrific, good looking son who's going to school right here in Boston.

Not interested.

He's smart, athletic, and best of all, he's a witch.

Still, not interested.

Sabrina, if you date a witch, you'll have a lot in common.

I'm guessing there'll be magic between you two.

Look, it's not the witch-part, it's the fix-up part that scares me.

Let's hope he's not a homely, horrendous hooligan.

Oh, hold him down, I'm going in!

Sorry I'm late.

Morgan and I spent the afternoon ice skating.

It was a blast.

So let's recap.

You left early last night for a date, you're coming in late from a date...what's next?

Would you like me to pay you to go out on a date?

Oh, man, that would be fantastic.

Work.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Sabrina Spellman.

You a cop?

Sorry.

I'm Sabrina.

I'm Derek Axelrod.

My father's the one keeping your Aunt Zelda up at night.

Excuse me?

He's doing her root canal.

Oh, so you're the smart, handsome, athletic dentist son.

And you're the professor's niece who's perfect for me.

Oh, I'm sorry, my Aunt can be so pushy.

Actually, my dad's the one who pushed.

But, for once, I'm glad he did.

I have a hard time meeting cool witches.

Yeah, well there are no clubs on campus.

Talk about your unrepresented minorities.

Hey, who's that guy talking to Sabrina?

More importantly, does he have an older brother?

Or a twin?

Aunt Hilda, this is Derek Axelrod.

Oh, the dentists' son.

Isn't it sweet how Zelda's rotten molars bought you two together?

Together?

Oh, and this is Josh.

So, Derek...you argh, go to school around here?

Yeah, I'm on a hockey scholarship at BC.

Wow, you must be really good.

Now, I've heard, argh...that a lot of hockey players wind up losing all their teeth, and then they have to hire someone to chew their food.

I have an idea.

Why don't you and I go for a walk, and you can remind me why I hired you.

So, Derek, can I get you anything?

Coffee, tea?

How about a date?

Well, it's not on the menu, but lucky for you it's on special today.

That must be Derek.

Do you like my pearl earrings?

Very much so.

Do you like my pearly whites?

Oh, well if I ever get my sight back I'll let you know.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, flowers, and...sample floss.

My dad wanted you to have it.

Oh, well, nothing says romance like unwaxed.

I'll just put these in some water.

Young man, if I might have a word with you.

I'm not her father, and I don't care how late you keep her out.

HOWEVER, table scraps would be appreciated.

Oh, just ignore Salem, everyone else does.

Salem Saberhagen?

The one and only.

Oh, man, it's great to meet you.

You're a legend in the Other Realm.

Really?

I though your generation had forgotten me.

Lord knows we try.

Hey, the world would be a much greater place if Salem Saberhagen were in the emperor's seat.

Tell a friend.

Derek, you ready to go?

Yeah, in a second.

My dad always said that you got a bum wrap, and he's on the Witches' Council.

The Witches' Council?

Hey, how about you dump the broad and we throw back a couple of brewskies?

I'm buying.

Oh, if you wanna' keep the beautiful smile, I suggest you take your lips off my dates' butt.

Let's go.

There was that time my aunts were making a potion, and the mortal I was dating thought it was soup and tried some.

We had a hard time convincing him that everyone's tongue occasionally grows hair.

Been there.

One time on a date with a mortal, I let it slip that my dead ancestors' were coming in for my family reunion.

Suddenly, the date was as dead as my Uncle Murray.

You know, it's so nice not having to watch what I say.

If I had this conversation with a mortal, he'd totally freak out.

Not that I have anything against mortals.

I mean, my mother's a mortal?

Oh, you're half-mortal?

Yeah. Something wrong?

No.

I'm just a little surprised, you seem like a total witch.

That's so sweet.

Everything's been going so great with Derek.

Last week we went hiking on the moon.

Yesterday, we went to the best seafood place in Atlantis.

Oh, and look what he gave me.

That's a mighty big scallop.

No, it's a hockey puck.

Derek scored the winning goal with this.

You know, in my day, a gentleman showed his affection by bringing you a vial of frankincense.

I guess the times, they are a-changing.

Sounds like things are going pretty well between you and Derek.

Yeah.He's taking me home tonight to meet his parents for dinner.

Thanks for introducing us.

You're welcome.

Exactly what did you have to do with them getting together?

They met at my coffeehouse.

After I set them up at my dentist office.

And, why were you at the dentist?

Because I cracked my tooth on one of your stale biscotti's.

I rest my case.

Here it is.

I don't know why, but I'm a little nervous.

What if your parents don't like me?

Of course they're gonna' like you.

What's not to like?

Gotta' like that.

Hey, could I ask you a favour?

Yeah, sure.

Would you mind not mentioning to my parents you're half-mortal?They're a little funny about stuff like that.

Hey, it's the kids!

Florence, stop cleaning already.

The kids are here.

Tell them to come on in, it's freezing out there!

Oh, good idea.

My liability insurance doesn't cover frozen girlfriends!

Mmm, braised dragon.

May I have more bread, please?

Hey, you're not gonna' eat your skin?

It's the best part.

Oh, the scales get stuck in my teeth.

Ah, sounds like a flosser.

Sabrina, has anyone ever told you you have a perfect bite?

No, but I get a lot of compliments on my bark.

Flo, she's got a sense of humour!

If you're smart, you won't let this one get away.

Mom.

I heard a great joke today.

These two mortals walk into a bar...

Dad!

Aargh, you're right.

Maybe that one's a little too racy.

Sabrina, what do you call a mortal with half a brain?

I, argh...I don't know.

Gifted.

Aargh, you have a lovely home here.

Oh, well, thank you.

We've lived here for four-hundred years.

It was a wonderful neighbourhood until the mortals started moving in.

Property values are dropping like flies.

Mortals...mortals can't live in the Other Realm.

Mortals, half mortals, what's the difference?

It's in their blood.

Who wants the last aardvark fritter?

Don't get me wrong, Sabrina.

Some of my best friends are half mortals.

I just don't want them living in my neighbourhood.

You hear what I'm saying?

Loud and clear.

Good, you're home late.

That means the date went well.

Guess again.

Don't tell me you blew it!

I'm working on an early parole, and Derek's father is on the Witches' Council.

Oh, well Derek's father's also a total bigot.

I had to spend the entire evening trying to hide the fact that I'm half mortal.

That's awful.

I hate prejudice.

Do you know how many women have rejected me just because I have four legs and a tail?

It's wrong, I tell you.

Why don't they care about what's inside?

Salem, what's on the inside of you is a selfish, misogynistic pig.

Pigs are people too.

I may have to break up with Derek, his family is just to hideous.

Well, that doesn't mean that Derek is.

Wow, this long distance phone companies will do anything to get you to switch.

Hello?

Hi, Sabrina.

Hi.

It's Derek.

I can see that.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize again for what happened tonight.

Forgiven, forgotten.

I'm really sorry.

I wanted tonight to be perfect.

Sabrina, I really like you, and I just hope you won't hold me responsible for my parents' behaviours.

Do you have any idea how horrible it was to sit through those horrible jokes?

Why didn't you say something?

I should have.

I...I just stopped trying to fight with my parents.

They're set in their ways.

Why do you think I go to school in the Mortal Realm?

Well, I guess I wouldn't want anyone to hold my aunts' behaviour against me.

Listen, argh, I just front row tickets to see the Black Hole Surfers on Friday night in the Other Realm forum.

Would you be interested in going?

Are your parents coming?

No.

Pick me up at seven.

Great.

Oh, by the way...that phone you're holding, it's white chocolate.

Belgian.

Chocolate?

Here's your cappuccino, served at the tooth-friendly temperature of lukewarm.

Oh, thank you.

So, I hear things are heating up between you and Derek.

Yeah, let's just say we could melt a glacier.

Are you listening to this?

"Derek, Derek, Derek".

What's so special about Derek, anyway?

Well, in alphabetical order, he's: athletic, buff, charismatic, dashing, effervescent, funny, gorgeous...

It was a rhetorical question.

See, now that wasn't too bad, was it?

No, not after I passed out from the pain.

Well, this may be your last visit to my office, but I have a hunch we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.

Yes, it seems like Sabrina and Derek are really hitting it off.

Oh, your niece is a terrific girl.

And what a sense of humour.

She really loved all my jokes.

Well, I could use a laugh, seeing as how you just drilled down to my last good nerve.

OK.

Um...what has an IQ of one hundred and ninety two?

I don't know.

The entire Mortal Realm.

Sabrina found that funny?

Who wouldn't?

Maybe somebody who's half mortal.

Well, we don't associate with people like that, so we've got nothing to worry about.

I see.

Well, this has been a painful afternoon.

In more ways than one.

OK, for my date with Derek, how about this?

Too long.

OK......this?

Too long.

Salem!

I'm just saying, don't be afraid to show some skin.

Oh, you mean like this?

Are you mad, woman?

I could catch my death!

Whatever you did, I'm sure you deserved it.

Hey Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here?

Well, I've just come back from the dentist and I'm a little concerned.

Does Derek know you're a half mortal?

Yeah, I told him on our first date.

And he was OK with it?

Yeah.

Look, his father's a total bigot, but Derek's not like that.

What makes you so sure?

Well, we talked about it, and he still wants to go out with me.

And, you know what?

He's meeting me in an hour to go to the Other Realm.

Honey, I don't mean to put a damper on this, but in my experience, the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.

Look, Derek's great.

Everything's fine, you've got nothing to worry about.

Then do me a favour.

Since you're going to the Other Realm, why don't you use the portal at our house?

That way Hilda and I can ask him a few questions.

Fine, whatever.

But first you have to help me find something to wear.

If you find anything with black fur and four sleeves, toss it this way!

Oh, now please remember, this is a date, not the Nuremburg Trials.

Keep your answers short, civil, and to the point.

Well, I'm out.

Hey, Sabrina.

Ready to go?

Almost, um...do you mind if we sit down for a second?

My aunts' wanna' get to know you a little better.

Hi, Derek.

I'm Zelda.

And you've met Hilda.

Oh!

Magic caramel corn.

That's my favourite.

Oh yeah, I brought it for the concert.

You're welcome to...

Thanks!

"Guaranteed to tickle your inside" – well, I'll be the judge of that.

Well, why don't we all sit down?

Sorry.

So, um, Derek, why don't you tell my aunts how much you love living in the Mortal Realm with mortals?

I like it.

Great.

OK, nice chatting, let's go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Not so fast.

You know Derek, I heard that some witches wanna' start a country club that excludes mortals.

What do you think of that?

That is the last club that I'd ever join.

Hilda.

Sorry.

This corn is so funny.

Well, surely you'd want separate golf courses?

Wouldn't really matter to me.

Don't play golf.

Oh, listen, argh...I don't mean to be rude, but we have to get to the concert.

It starts in half an hour.

Yeah, you know concerts.

They always start early.

OK, bye!

Bye!

Hey, nice to meet you guys.

Well, have fun.

Well, that was thoroughly unsatisfying.

I had a lot more questions I wanted to ask him.

Me too, like where did he get this corn?

Man, that was a great concert, huh?

Yeah, and look at this juice bar.

This place is so cool.

You'd never see a place like this in the Mortal Realm.

Yeah.

That's kind of why I wanted to bring you here.

In case I haven't told you lately, you are very special to me.

Well, it's been three minutes, I was getting a little worried.

So, what can I do you for?

Aargh...two pineapple tsunamis.

Always the complicated drinks.

Just once, I wish someone would order a Snapple.

Careful.

These tsunamis can be a little rough.

So much for that warning.

I'll be right back, I think I got a starfish up my nose.

Hey buddy, I hope I'm not out of line here, but your girlfriend is one good looking witch.

Thanks.

Actually, she's half mortal.

What'd I tell you, huh?

Can I spot them or what?

You don't have a problem dating a half mortal?

Why would I have a problem?

Well...

Sure, mortals aren't the smartest carbon-based life form, but, hey, she's a cutie.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I just heard a great one.

How many mortals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A hundred and fifty.

One to hold the bulb and a hundred and forty nine to turn the house.

I guess you've heard that one, huh?

I know them all, man.

What do you call a mortal with half of a brain?

Gifted.

Love that joke, man.

So, you're just staying with cutie there until something better comes along, huh?

Hey, it is not easy to find a full witch in the Mortal Realm.

Sometimes you gotta' settle.

Settle?

Sabrina.

How could you say that?

Is that really how you feel?

No.

Why did you say those things, and why are you telling those idiotic jokes when you know how much they hurt me?

Come on, I didn't mean anything by it.

Look, I'm with a couple of guys, this is what guys do.

Yeah, well this is what I do.

Sabrina, wait.

You're making a big mistake.

Am I?

Derek, tell me the truth.

Could you ever get seriously involved with someone who wasn't a full witch?

We're having fun.

Don't get all mortal on me.

Don't worry.

There's a whole other side to me.

This date is officially over.

That's OK, sweetie, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Back off, slime ball, and get your furry mitts off me!

Sorry, honey.

Oh, you must feel terrible.

Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here?

We came to seek the truth.

Sorry we had to get ugly on you.

Normally I'd be really mad at you, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

What was I thinking?

You were thinking that you met the one guy out there who's not a jerk.

Is there a guy out there who's not a jerk?

Of course there is.

Sabrina, I don't know if he'll be a witch, I don't know if he'll be a mortal, but I know there's someone out there for you.

Is there someone out there for me?

You know, I heard they make really great tsunamis here.

I asked you a question.

Very frothy, with just a hint of mint.

I demand an answer.

IS THERE SOMEBODY OUT THERE FOR ME?

I think you just k*lled happy hour.

Hello?

Hey, Sabrina.

I'm surprised to find you home.

It's two o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, exactly.

I've been leaving messages for Morgan since nine o'clock.

Oh, she went to bed early.

She has a spar appointment tomorrow and she wants to be well rested.

Well, how are things going with you and Derek?

They're gone.

It's over.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Thanks, Josh.

I'll tell Morgan you called.

Thanks.

Man, am I tired.

Good night, Salem.

Good night, Sabrina.

Oh, do you mind!

Sorry.

I thought you were gonna' stay up and read.