05x14 - Making the Grade

[bunniefuu]

Well, thanks for coming, and tell you’re friends they’re welcome to come and discus their husbands, their boyfriends and their husband's boyfriends.

What is it about coffee that makes people want to spill their guts?

I don’t know, but those guts are gonna buy me an outside cabin on a Caribbean cruise.

OK, this little beverage adventure of yours does seem to be paying off.

Yes, it does.

This month I might actually turn my first profit.

I mean, ka-ching!

I just wish I didn’t have to wait until the end of the month to see if I made a profit.

Wait a minute, I don’t.

I’ll just call in my profit prophet, Harvey.

Your profit prophet is a big bunny?

Oops, wrong Harvey.

Really wrong Harvey.

Hi, Harvey.

How you doing?

You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently and.

No time for chit-chat!

Finally!

Sabrina, meet Harvey, the profit prophet.

Hi, nice staff.

Yes, the lady's seem to like it.

So, Harvey, is Hilda’s gonna be showered with shekels by the thirtieth?

Let’s have a look see.

Nothing is coming.

You mean, nothing’s coming for free.

Oh, so I guess he’s not a non-profit prophet.

So, what’s the deal?

Am I gonna' make money or not?

Not if you keep piddling it away like this.

Next time, I go with Isaiah

I can’t believe this.

I’ve already got a ton of homework, how am I supposed to write a five page essay on Hamlet’s speech as a window to his madness?

What about the window to my madness?

I’m swamped too.

I have to write a paper on Picasso, then study for my exams on organic chemistry and comparative religions.

How do you do all this and fit in baseball practice every night?

I’ve learned to multi-task.

I’m on my way to the batting cages and I’m bringing my audio version of the Koran.

See you.

Later.

Hey, how’s it going?

About as well as a nervous breakdown can go.

Well you haven’t bitten your nails down to the cuticle yet, that’s a good sign.

Like I didn’t have enough studying already, now I’ve gotta write an essay on Hamlet.

This school is k*lling me.

They expect me to go to class all day, study all night and get straight A's.

You don’t need straight A's.

After last semester's grades I do, or else I’ll lose my scholarship.

Wow, that’s rough.

I don’t even have a scholarship hanging over my head and I’m already stressed out enough.

My statistics class is k*lling me.

Here comes my professor, he’s a complete tyrant.

Congratulations Sabrina, you aced another data analysis test.

You’ve got a true gift for numbers.

Do you see what I mean?

What a jerk.

Here’s my estimated monthly sales gross, and here’s my projected annual gross.

With a pudding stain on it, gross.

Hilda, if you want to turn a profit you’re gonna have to cut costs.

Or, if you really wanna' make some serious mullah, talk to my investment counsellor, Sid.

Hello?

Yeah, Sid.

Hey, put me down for a hundred on Run Like Hell in the fifth.

Hey, Morgan!

You almost ready?

One more minute!

I’m layering my scent.

I don’t wanna' know what that means.

OK, how does this sound?

Hamlet, the young Danish prince, is possibly one of Shakespeare’s most.

most.

most.

Most.

repetitive characters?

OK, so now you’re making fun of me.

Like I’m not under enough pressure.

If I read this play one more time my brains gonna'explode!

Well, now you’ve officially graduated to madness one-oh-two.

Ryan.

Come on in.

Thanks.

Let me guess, you’re here because you’re having as much trouble with this Hamlet paper as I am?

Argh no, Morgan’s fixing me up with a friend of hers.

We’re doubling with her and Josh.

Oh, hey Ryan.

Hey, how’s it going?

Great.

How do you have time to go out on a date?

Don’t tell me you already finished your paper.

No, I’ll do it after the date.

You know what they say, all work and no play.

Leads to the eventual destruction of the cerebral cortex.

maybe it’s just my family.

I’m ready.

Morgan, we’re just going to Denny’s for a burger.

You never know who you might run into.

Yeah, there might be a fry cook there who can put you on the cover of Mademoiselle.

Come on, guys.

See you later.

See you.

What’s up with that?

Yeah, I didn’t smell any layers in her scent.

Not her, Ryan.

Oh, now he smelled good.

I mean, he knocks off his paper in his spare time and mine’s gonna' take me all night.

I must be really stupid.

Well, first of all, you don’t know what Ryan’s work looks like when he turns it in.

Second of all, you know, college is stressful enough, don’t add to it by trying to compare yourself to everybody else.

I hate to break it to you, but that’s what the whole grading system's about.

Oh, well in that case, what are you talking to me for?

You’ve got a paper to write, missy.

Hey, Morgan, by the look of last nights eye shadow on your chin I’m guessing the evening went well.

Oh, it was fantastic.

We all ended up at this party until four in the morning.

Really?

That’s about the same time that Roxie got done with her Hamlet paper.

Wow.

You know if I liked her more, I’d sort of feel bad for her.

You know, Roxie works her tail off for her GPA, how is Ryan able to go out and party all night and still get good grades?

Hello, star pitcher for the baseball team.

Hello, don’t understand what that has to do with anything.

Sabrina, you are so naive.

The school grades athletes' way easier, plus, the coaches encourage those guys to take cake classes which are guaranteed A’s, like bowling, and life style skills, which, by the way, I aced.

Giving any student that kind of preferential treatment is totally unethical.

Yeah.

Anyway, whatever.

Hey, Aunt Zelda, have you ever been told to take it easier academically on star athletes?

No, although I must admit, I don’t get a lot of middle line backers taking advanced quantum mechanics.

Why do you ask?

Well, it seems to be a practice that goes on here with certain teachers.

That’s appalling!

You know the same thing happened with the varsity jousters in high school.

In alchemy, Merlin just let them pull A’s out of a hat.

Did you do anything about it?

When was the last time you saw a jouster?

This calls for a closer inspection.

Much closer.

Roxie’s paper.

She’ll definitely get an A.

Hey.

She worked really hard on that!

And that tickles!

An A for party boy?

That’s insane.

I’ll fix that.

OK, that’s more like it.

Aw, hey!

Watch the earrings.

Hey!

Hey!

No!

No!

This is the last time I buy from Staples.

I wonder if there’s any Dramamine in that drawer?

Gently!

Sabrina, you’ve been working on that article for hours.

Can I get you anything?

Either a solution to unfair grading practices for athletes, or a pumpkin bagel.

A pumpkin bagel coming up.

Hey, where are the pumpkin bagels?

In the pumpkin bagel patch.

Huh?

In the interest of lowering overhead we are no longer in the exotic carbohydrate business.

From now on, all we sell are plain bagels and glazed donuts.

Hilda, we have an eclectic, sophisticated clientele, all right.

A lot of the people who come in here look forward to their cran-apple poppy seed scones.

They may like them, but in order for me to turn a decent profit I would have to charge separately for the crans, the apples and the poppy seeds.

Well, hey, if all you’re worried about is profit, why don’t you just start making the cappuccino’s with instant coffee?

Way ahead of you.

Just put in some hot steam mocha mix, sprinkle cinnamon on it, nobody will know the difference.

except my accountant.

This article of yours is causing quite a stir on campus.

Oh,well is that not the purpose of good journalism?

To shine a light on important issues and make people think?

Exactly.

And rumour has it the school is gonna cr*ck down on preferential grading practices.

Oh, that’s great!

I’m really happy for Roxie.

Finally the playing field will be level.

I’m very proud of you, Sabrina.

You stood up for what was right and you didn’t have to cast a pox on any jousters.

You deserve a pat on the back.

Hey, there she is.

Nice work, Spellman.

Oh, hey, did you like my article?

Loved every word.

Thanks to you I’m out of the big play-off game next Saturday.

What?

The coach just benched me until I finish all my assignments.

I hope you’re proud of yourself.

You just cost Adams College the championship.

At least I didn’t give anyone a pox.

Way to go, Sabrina.

Because of your stupid article I can kiss my A in bowling goodbye.

What are you talking about?

You’re taking bowling?

I needed a cake-class to keep up my GPA.

Bowling was the one course where I didn’t have to work my tail off to get a good grade, but now, because of you, my teacher says we have to actually show up and learn how to bowl.

You’re really taking bowling?

Yes.

And, now I have to get an A on the bowling final.

There’s a bowling final?

There is now.

Look, I’m sorry, I really am.

I just wanted to make things fair, for you, for everybody.

Well, I’m not everybody.

Just someone who’s gonna' fail bowling and lose her scholarship.

Thanks a lot, Spellman.

I can’t believe this is happening.

I can’t believe there’s a bowling final.

One glazed donut and freeze dried coffee coming up.

Thank you kindly, son.

So, how much rain do you figure we’re gonna' get?

The same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.

That’s true, those danged weathermen never get it right.

How much do you think weathermen get paid?

The same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.

You have a nice day now.

Oh, well that depends on the weather, doesn’t it?

You’re catching on.

Hilda, this glazed donut crowd is driving me crazy.

I’m ready to b*at my head against the espresso machine.

Do it quick, 'cause I’m trading down to an instant hot cocoa dispenser.

Thanks to the glazed donut crowd, I’m rolling in dough.

Nothing against making money, but the quality of conversation in here has gone from ‘Is there a God?

’ to ‘Are the bass bitin’ down at the lake?

I had no idea you were such an elitist.

You need to embrace the down homeliness of our new customers.

Hi Wayne, knee still acting up?

Maureen, let me know which hot dish to bring to fellowship supper.

I love that new leg, Fred.

Hey, Hilda, since when do you talk like someone who married their first cousin?

Since it started making me a pickle barrel of cash.

Check your IQ at the door.

Our new customers say it’s looking like rain, over and over and over again.

I’d rather hear about the rain than how I’m responsible for Adams star pitcher not playing in the game against Emerson next Saturday.

Josh, do you think writing that article was a mistake?

Absolutely not.

You stuck with your convictions, you took a stand.

You let everybody know that Sabrina Spellman cares about what’s right.

Thanks, Josh.

Wait a minute.

You didn’t care about the principle, you just wanted your school to win on Saturday.

I want justice to win, and if my school should benefit in the process, so be it.

You have a nice day now.

Excuse me, any chance it’s fixin’ t’ rain on Saturday?

Could be ‘cause my knee is acting up.

Course could be from the other day when I bent down funny.

Hey.

Oh, it’s you.

You aren’t still mad at me about the game are you?

No, now I’m mad at you because you put a major crimp in my social life.

Ryan was going to take Josh and me to a party but now he’s home, chained to his books.

Look, I know it seems unfair now but in twenty years somebody somewhere will thank me.

Please God I hope.

It certainly won't be me.

Me either.

Thanks to you, I have to study Introduction to bowling theory for the, all important, written portion of my final exam.

Then I’ll have exactly one hour to throw a bowling ball that doesn’t land in the snack bar.

I know how to bowl, I could give you some pointers.

Oh, that’s a great idea.

Miles is probably an incredible bowler, I mean that is a face that screams, ‘I own my own ball’

Sixteen pounds orange marble with a monogrammed bag.

You can lift a sixteen pound ball with those scrawny arms?

Believe me, it took years of conditioning.

Look, it’s a great learning opportunity.

Plus, you’re desperate.

Go!

Fine.

I mean, great.

Let me just grab a wrist guard, chamois and rosin bag.

It only gets better.

I’m never gonna learn this!

Sure you will.

It’s very simple.

First, step forward on your right foot.

Extend the ball, going into a down swing.

Then, bring the ball into a back swing slowly as the left foot gradually comes forward.

Then, when you reach the top of the back swing, step forward with the right foot, go into a slide on the left foot.

Then, at precisely the moment the slide ends release the ball thumb first and position your hand at approximately a forty-five degrees angle to your eyes.

And that’s all there is to it?

No, I like to do a little dance right about now.

Hey, Salem, have you seen aunt Zelda?

Since when did I become her personal secretary?

Hey, which horse do you like better?

Shaved Turkey or Slap Me Silly?

I know I’d like to slap you silly.

And I’d like to shave a turkey.

The point is, I’ve got to pick a horse and call my bookie.

Oh, by the by, I’ve also got a boatload riding on the Adams, Emerson game.

Oh, I hope you didn’t bet on Adams.

Thanks to my article, the star pitcher can’t play and everyone’s expecting us to lose big.

I’ve got to page Sid at the track and tell him I meant Emerson.

God, I hope he’s still sober.

Hi, honey, I’m so glad to see you.

I can guarantee you’re the only person in town who’s said that today.

You should be proud of what you did.

You tried to correct an injustice and that’s truly admirable.

Then why is everyone looking at me like I’m the girl who told Felicity to cut her hair?

Sabrina, you don’t do a selfless thing for the glory, you do it because it’s right.

Well, I don’t think it’s right that Roxie lose her scholarship, or for Adams to lose the big game.

There’s got to be some way to set things right.

Well, you could use your powers to make it rain frogs, but that’s been done to death.

What about cats and dogs?

If you think frogs are messy.

Acid rain?

No, too much.

I’ll come up with something.

Yes!

I think I’m finally getting the hang of this.

What’s my score now?

Twelve, in the fifth frame.

Is that good?

Only for a respirator.

Guys, how’s the lesson going?

Do you really wanna' know?

I don’t know.

Do I?

The final starts in five minutes and the only way I’m gonna pass is if I run down the alley and throw myself at the pins.

Do they allow that?

Hey, I’ve never taken bowling.

I’m telling you, you can do this.

I’ve showed all the moves, you just have to relax.

My scholarships going right into the gutter, how am I supposed to relax?

I may have a way.

Roxie’s too uptight we know, chill her out so she can bowl like a pro.

Very nice.

Gotta go.

OK, let me start by saying I’m sorry.

Now that’s done, let’s get down to business.

Excuse me?

Well, you’ve got to finish your work and bring your grades up by Saturday and I’m here to help.

You wanna' help?

Turn around and walk back out that door.

OK, Ryan, look, you’re probably so overwhelmed you don’t even know where to begin and you’ve probably forgotten how to study, you’ve skated by for so long.

And you’re certainly not going to get anywhere by doodling ‘I hate Sabrina.

All right then, what am I supposed to do?

First of all, never spell Sabrina with three N's.

Second of all, the sooner we open these books, the sooner you’ll be on that playing field.

I don’t think that’s gonna' happen.

Sit down and let’s talk Hamlet.

So, I finally break down and get myself one of them riding mowers and what happens?

It rains for days.

So I can’t mow my lawn.

It’s the darndest thing.

The darndest thing?

I’ll tell you what’s the darndest thing.

This conversation and every conversation I’ve had in this place since you glazed donut people took over!

All you talk about is the weather!

Your fish!

And your farm equipment!

I don’t care about profits, I want my cran-apple poppy seed people back!

Cran-apple poppy seed?

That’s crazy talk!

Oh, yeah?

Well how’s this for crazy talk?

Skidadle!

Shoo!

Shoo!

Y’all don’t come back now, you hear?

And take this complimentary jar of freeze dried coffee with you.

The missus will really like this.

Thanks, boss.

Anyone want some of my tofu seaweed omelette?

Sure, I’ll try it.

Oh, it’s not to eat, it’s a deep cleaning facial mask.

That explains the witch hazel aftertaste.

Hi.

Nighty-night.

Hold on, it’s nine AM.

Where have you been all night?

Ryan’s dorm-room.

What?

We were just studying.

Yeah, all right.

Like I’ve never used that one before.

Relax.

I’m just helping him catch up with his classes.

He’s about halfway through, now it’s up to him to go the distance.

Speaking of which.

I’m not a witch!

Excuse me?

Aargh, I’m sorry, I’m really tired.

Did you say something?

I passed my bowling final with flying colours!

That’s great!

Congratulations.

Yeah, I’ll be able to keep my scholarship and you know what?

It was kinda' fun learning a new skill.

I have much to teach you.

Just think of me as your personal Yoda.

Or we could just stick with, hey, you.

Oh, hey Roxie, hey Miles.

Why are you dressed like Ray Charles?

Oh, I just came to slip into my three o’clock class and slip out with my life.

That is unless Ryan turned in his work on time and things are back to normal.

Spellman, I hope you trip over your lap-top and die.

Well, at least you guys appreciate me.

It’s good to know I still have friends I can count on.

We’re here for you, Sabrina.

Through thick and thin.

Hey, Sabrina!

We’re out of here.

I’ve got good news, I handed in all my assignments and I get to play on Saturday.

Did everyone hear that?

Ryan gets to play in the game on Saturday!

How am I gonna pitch if I can’t see?

I can’t believe I lost the championship twice and it hasn’t even been played yet.

I was just having some fun with you.

But, just to be on the safe side, do you think you could stay away from the field on Saturday?

Yeah, anything I can do to be a good athletic supporter.

Gotta' go.

Adams leads one to nothing.

It’s bottom of the ninth, two outs.

Emerson‘s down to their last chance.

Johnson steps up to the plate.

Go, Emerson!

Knock it out of the park, Johnson!

No batter no batter no batter hey!

You know what I love about baseball?

It’s all part of the game to be abusive and obnoxious.

Do you know what I like best?

The snacks.

Hey, peanuts over here!

Thanks, Salem.

How can you eat legumes when there’s so much riding on this?

Salem, it’s just a game.

To you.

To me it’s the chance to become fabulously wealthy.

or live as a fugitive and have my face surgically altered.

Johnson hits the ball deep, deep, deep to left field!

Yes!

And it’s.

caught!

The games over!

Adams wins!

That should be Sid.

and I should be booking my plastic surgeon and the next flight to the Carmen Islands.

Toodles.