07x03 - Call Me Crazy

[bunniefuu]

SALEM:
What's with all the ironing?

I'm the office newbie.
I can't go to work all wrinkly.

Well, that doesn't keep
Barbara Walters' mug off The View.

Ha, ha. You're a witch.

Why not get rid of wrinkles
in some witchy way?

How many times
do I have to remind you?

Roxie and Morgan live here now.
So that means no magic,

no going through the magic portal
to the Other Realm,

and no matter how late I'm running,
no reversing the rotation of the Earth.

Well, since you're getting all domestic
with small hot irons,

how about you make me a waffle?

Very funny.

You're the one who's always
making eyes at Mrs. Butterworth.

[SOBS]

I worked all day on this article
and Annie red-penciled every line.

Yeah, she can be pretty vicious
with that red pencil.

This morning
she took issue with my new shirt.

I don't suppose you have
any X-Men Underoos to match?

I'm not gonna take them out
of the package. They'll lose their value.

Guys, after work
I want you to go check out this club.

Ashanti is doing a gig
at the civic center

and she may show up there.

James, try and see
if you can get pictures.

And, uh, Cole,
try to grab her for questions.

- Will do.
- And none of them should be:

- "Are you free later?"
- Hey, J-Lo grabbed my butt.

Don't worry, Annie,
Leonard and I will keep an eye on him.

Oh, and I'll keep an eye
on all three of them.

What? It's a work thing
and I'd like to go too.

No offense,
but do you even know who Ashanti is?

She had the number one album
and single at the same time.

She's rising
faster than Britney Spears,

who, by the way, gave me
private dance lessons in Paris.

- What?
- Long story.

Um, so, uh, where is this club
and what time are we meeting?

Okay. It's on the docks.

Meet us at Pier at : .

On the docks. Cool.

We aren't gonna be throwing tea
in the harbor too, are we? Ha, ha.

- Hey, guys. Hey, Harvey.
- Hi.

Sabrina, great. We need your help.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm in a rush.

I'm so excited. I'm going out
with my coworkers for the first time.

- But what's going on here?
- Well, I'll tell you what's not going on.

A surprise birthday party for me.

And that is the third and final time
I fall for that one.

Sabrina, we said
that we were gonna spend tonight

cleaning out the closets
and getting rid of junk.

And by that I mean Roxie's clothes.

If we dumped half your makeup
we'd have room for an ice-skating rink.

I'm sorry.
Look, I promise I'll help tomorrow.

I gotta go change.

We're running out of closet space.
How come no one uses this one?

- No.
- We can't go in there.

ROXIE:
Why not?

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Oh, my God.
I know what's going on.

You have a tanning bed in there.

No, no, no. It's a bug zapper.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Ooh. Wow, that must've been
a horsefly.

Oh, no, forget about this closet.

Ooh, I need a cool outfit
to wear to the club tonight.

You think you could lend me
one of your creations?

Nice neighborhood.
So how do we find this club?

Do we just follow the chalk outlines?

Break out of your cozy little world.
You can't live your life in a bubble.

Sure you can.
My bubble has a very low crime rate.

JAMES: There's the green light bulb.
LEONARD: That would be the club.

Unless it's
an environmentally friendly brothel.

Hey, man.
We're from Scorch magazine.

- Yeah, go on in.
COLE: Thanks.

Hold it, Mary-Kate.

- You can't come in wearing that.
- Who are you calling Mary-Kate?

The only twins I see around here
are your chins.

Hey, hey, you just let them in

and she had plastic
banana barrettes in her hair.

Reminds me of my brother.

- Is there a problem?
SABRINA: No, no.

No, problem. I know how this works.
You want a tip, heh.

Okay, well, I got a tip for you:
Get out of town.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, look. If all us can't get in,
then none of us should go in.

And forget about Ashanti, all right?
It's just another one of Annie's rumors.

JAMES:
That is true.

One time Lil' Bow Wow
was supposed to be in the hospital.

Turns out his shih tzu
was getting spayed.

Thanks, guys.

Next time we go out,
I'll help you with your look.

Scenesters are into
a little something called goth.

Vampires, gargoyles, hepatitis C.

Oh, please.
My people invented goth.

What did you say?

Broth. Uh, I said
my people invented broth.

Yeah. Before us, uh, everybody
just ate dry chicken and vegetables.

Hey, I know a place
open all night, no cover,

and an awesome DJ who plays
exactly what you wanna hear.

SABRINA:
Okay, E coming up.

COLE: All right, look...
LEONARD: Come on.

So the police let me out of jail
just in time

to dance in the carnival parade,
but I kept my clothes on.

I'm not saying my date did.

[GUYS LAUGH]

You see, in Brazil, during carnival
everyone dances in the streets naked.

I know what happens at carnival.

I mean, thank God
for laser hair removal, right?

You've been to South America?

Sort of.

Well, it was Epcot.
But they stamped my passport.

You ain't never been to South Ame...

That reminds me of this time
I was on a float

with the king and queen
of Mardi Gras.

Actually, it was the same dude.

New Orleans has the best food.

They have a Philly cheese steak there
that's better than you get in Chicago.

Look, don't worry.

The great thing about a job like this
is it gets you out into the world,

- which would do you a lot of good.
BOTH: Heh, heh.

Okay, guys, you know,
maybe I've never been to Brazil,

or been thrown in jail naked,

but I have been to plenty of places
and done lots of stuff.

I'm sure you have.

But we're talking about, you know,
jumping-out-of-a-plane type stuff.

Yeah, you're adventurous
in your own way.

We mean,
like running with the bulls.

In Chicago, I got all the way to
half court before security busted me.

I remember that, man.

[CHUCKLES]

See, we are men of experience.
We live life on the edge.

I could tell you stories
that would make your hair curl.

Like eating unwashed fruit
in Mexico.

COLE: That's crazy. You're crazy.
- For your information,

I've seen inside volcanoes in Hawaii,
I've been to the top of Mount Everest,

and I've even ridden the roller coaster
on the rings of Saturn.

- Excuse me?
- Uh, the rings of Saturn.

You know,
the amusement park in Florida.

Near Bibleland?

Okay, how about another song?

Uh, Patsy Cline, "Crazy"? No.

Um, "Still Crazy After All These..."
No.

Okay, uh, how about we just talk.
You know, guy talk.

So, uh, that Anna Kournikova.
I mean, she is hot.

- Hey, guys.
ROXIE & MORGAN: Hi.

Have you guys ever blurted
something out under pressure

that would make everyone think
you're weird?

Weird how?
Creepy, scary, Sixth Sense weird?

Or freakish, odd,
Liza's husband weird?

I'd say like,
backwards-white-jacket weird.

Ooh, that reminds me.
Gotta call Mom.

Lockdown is in ten minutes.

Okay, this is the "to get rid of" box.
I'm gonna toss it in the back of the car.

Oh, wait, that's my sweater.

And those are my jeans.
This is my box.

I'm not giving this stuff away.

What about helping
the less fortunate?

Well, I don't see
any of Roxie's stuff in there.

I think the less fortunate
have enough problems.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hey, Harvey,
you still helping them move boxes?

No. I fooled them.

This is the same box.

I've just been carrying it up and down
the stairs for the last half an hour.

Good idea,
Just carrying an empty box.

Empty? sh**t.

So did you have fun
with your coworkers tonight?

Not really.

We were all sitting, talking,

and suddenly I blurted out
about that time

I went to the rings of Saturn
with Aunt Hilda.

Did you mention
that all I got was a lousy T-shirt?

- Sabrina, why did you tell them that?
- I couldn't help it.

They were all trading stories
about their big exotic exploits,

and I couldn't even tell them

that I once broke the sound barrier
on a Hoover upright.

Maybe they'll think
you were using a figure of speech.

You know, that the rings of Saturn
is something everyone's saying.

By the way, we're taking a load
to the shelter in the city tomorrow,

so make sure
you have your junk in the car.

But I have to work tomorrow.

Hello? Roxie and I have jobs too.

Okay, okay. I'll go on my lunch break,
but I can't be late getting back.

Tomorrow at work
I'm gonna be doing

more damage control
than Mariah Carey's publicist.

Why? What's going on?

Well, here's the thing.

I said something to my coworkers,

and now they think
I'm all Girl, Interrupted.

Well, the next time someone does that,
just say, "Excuse me, I was talking."

Oh, hey, Jody, I love those shoes.
They are totally rings of Saturn.

Brett, we missed you last night.
We had a great time.

Yeah, it was like roller-coasting
on the rings of Saturn.

[SABRINA CHUCKLES]

Oh, come on, hasn't anyone here
heard that expression?

I mean, where have you people been?
Come on, hip it up.

Jonathan hired her.
He should know about this.

It's none of his business,
Squealy McSquawkbox.

What's not whose business?

Okay, I don't wanna rat on anybody,

but I think Jonathan should know
the new girl may be slightly off.

Judas, party of ,
your table is ready.

I mean, come on, Len.

She said Britney Spears
taught her to dance.

She said her people created goth.

And that whole thing
about the roller coaster on Saturn?

I think her umbilical cord
was wrapped too tight.

Hey, look.
Jonathan hired Sabrina for a reason.

A reason I cannot fathom.

But as long as her behavior
isn't dangerous,

we're gonna treat her
like just another Scorch employee.

With a chemical imbalance
like a pool.

Hey, Annie, I love the hair.
It's totally rings of Saturn.

Hey, come on, "it's all good"
didn't catch on right away either.

Guys, my lunch break is only an hour
and the last time I was late,

Annie made me sing the "Tardy Song"
to the whole custodial staff.

Man, these boxes are heavy.

Well, here, lets use this cart.

You know the best thing
about giving stuff to the poor?

Yep. It means
we get to buy new stuff.

Hey, hey, we're losing
valuable merchandise.

Great,
now I'm gonna have angel hair.

Hold on, one more. One more.

There, now the queen has her robe.

Well, the queen
has some weird friends.

How come they can surgically
relocate your bellybutton,

but they can't fix the grocery cart
wobbly wheel problem?

[HORN HONKS]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

Hey! This is a crosswalk, buddy.

There better be a cooler full of kidneys
in your backseat.

Look...

It's not what you think.
I'm going to the shelter.

I mean, I...

Hey, there. Whoa, high strung.

Sign of quality breeding.

Between you and me,
I'm a sucker for the crazy girls.

Oh, too bad, because I hear Susie
in accounting has a thing for you.

Really?

There's gotta be a Susie, right?

Hey, James, look,
about the shopping cart

and all the junk,
it's actually a funny story.

No need to explain. No worries.

These voices in your head, though,

they don't say
"k*ll the photographer," do they?

Very funny.
Come back and get your quarter.

Or at least take a pencil for it.

Annie, Annie. Something
has gotta be done about Sabrina.

- James...
- You didn't see her today at lunch.

With the cart, the blanket,
and the trash.

She looked like a bag lady.

James, I think you're overreacting.

We don't know anything
about Sabrina.

He's right. I mean, this could be
her sad, desperate attempt

to give herself a little edge.

Like when the Bush girls get drunk
and make out with Democrats.

Okay, look, all I'm saying is that
Jonathan should know when he hires

- on impulse, it could be dangerous.
- I think dangerous is sexy.

My last date jumped out of my car
while it was still moving.

Maybe she's just got
some problems at home.

Does she even have a home?

One that doesn't say,
"This end up" and melt in the rain?

Okay. This is ridiculous, okay?

You guys are talking about me
and you think I'm a weirdo.

LEONARD: No.
ANNIE: No, we don't.

Okay, look, and I just want you
to know that I do have a home.

And I invite any of you, except you,

anytime to come over
and see my regular, normal home.

Uh, why is Salem
wearing a tutti-frutti hat?

I put it on him. Isn't it cute?

And why are you sitting
on the coffee table?

Before another day
of moving boxes around,

I thought I'd warm up with some yoga.
I'm attempting to levitate.

Well, do you have to do it here?

Cole is coming over, and it won't help
if he thinks I'm living with a wacko.

Sorry, I'm not moving from this spot
until I levitate.

- Anything?
- No.

I'm starting to think
this yoga thing is a scam.

Morning, everyone. What's up?

Why are you wearing a chip clip
on your nose?

Ow. I am reshaping my nose
without surgery.

I wear it when I sleep, like headgear.

Well, you look ridiculous.

You should stop getting your medical
advice from the dollar store.

Sabrina, you're trying too hard.
Just be yourself,

and they'll see you for the wonderful,
regular girl you are.

Actually, that is really good advice.

And just in case it doesn't work,
go, go.

Salem, there's an open can of tuna
in the kitchen.

Ha! Nice try.
I know what's going on.

This guy is coming over
and you're worried

a cat will make you look spinsterish.

No, what makes me look
spinsterish is the cat,

the two female roommates,
and the large Victorian house.

Look, it's obvious
you like this Cole guy.

Do what anybody
in your situation would do:

Rub up against his leg,

or stand in front of the TV
and arch your back.

This is why I don't listen to you
anymore, Salem.

I am done taking
the cat's advice. Okay?

I am sick and tired
of hearing your nagging little voice.

Psst. Meow.

SABRINA:
Oh, what is that, sarcasm?

[SALEM GRUNTING]

Oh, hi, Cole. Come on in.

- Hey.
- Hey, Sabrina.

Uh, you know, they say that,
um, if you talk to cats

it makes them, um, shed less.

[SABRINA LAUGHS]

All right, let me get my stuff.
I'll meet you out by the car.

ROXIE: Sorry,
we thought you were gone.

I'm Roxie. This is Morgan.

Oh, hi.

So, uh, how long have you guys
been roommates with Sabrina?

We've only lived here
for a few months.

This house used to belong
to Sabrina's aunts.

Oh. Uh, so where did they go?

We don't know.

It was really strange.
They kind of just disappeared.

And you never checked out
what happened to them?

Oh, Sabrina
doesn't like to talk about it.

Not that Sabrina
doesn't like to talk about things

and keeps a lot of secrets.

Oh, she's very open.

Except when it comes
to that closet upstairs, right?

- Oh, yeah, "Don't go in there!"
- Aah!

Hey, uh, what are you guys
doing down here?

I thought I told you to wait upstairs.
And I told you to wait in the car.

And you, we'll talk later.
I mean, I'll talk to you later.

About shedding.

[SABRINA CHUCKLES]

Why would he talk to me?
He's a cat.

[CHUCKLES]

COLE: Heh.
MORGAN: Bye.

Yeah, my roommates and I
get along great.

You know, except for little things.

Like Morgan, the way
she's always chomping her gum.

I could just strangle her.

[SPITS GUM]

Um, so your friends said
you used to live with your aunts?

Yeah. Yeah,
when I was in high school.

But I grew up
and I didn't need them anymore.

I do miss them, though.

Well, I'm sure
they'll come back and visit.

No, no, no.
No, they won't be coming back.

Could you pull over by the diner?
I wanna get something for the office.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

Hey, you know what? Listen.

Um, I just remembered,
I got a conference call,

and, uh, you know, we're only
a couple blocks from the office.

Do you mind walking?

Oh, no problem.
I'll see you back there.

Okay, well,
he definitely thinks I'm crazy.

And the fact that
I'm talking to myself is not helping.

Excuse me, um,
I need a coffeecake for my office.

- Okay, we got a fruitcake...
- No, no, no. No fruitcakes.

- How about a nice nut loaf?
- No, no, nothing nutty.

I need something that says,
normal, not crazy,

not about to have
a nervous breakdown.

I don't think I can fit that on a cake.

I could maybe do "happy birthday"
with some nice balloons.

Give me a minute.

- Uh, regular coffee to go.
WAITER: Yep.

You have a little...

Oh, great.

That's the last time
I let a monkey do my makeover.

You work at Scorch?

Yeah. Hey, thanks for giving me
the heads up on the clown mouth.

My coworkers already think
I'm crazy enough as it is.

Why is that?

Oh, I said something stupid

about riding a roller coaster
on the rings of Saturn.

- It's a long story.
- That's kind of cool.

It paints a nice picture.
You seem very artistic.

I'm better with words
than with lipstick.

A dollar thirty-five.

Oh, gosh,
I guess I left my wallet at the hotel.

Well, then you can get your coffee
at the hotel.

Oh, I can cover your coffee.

Oh, really?
That would be nice, thank you.

No problem.

Um, listen, you have a card
or anything?

- I'd like pay you back for the coffee.
- Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm just glad I didn't run into you
at a car dealership.

- Ha, ha.
- Thanks again.

[MORGAN SIGHS]

I don't care what Sabrina says.
We need this closet space.

Morgan, don't open that.

Morgan, are these your tap shoes?

Oh, my gosh.
I haven't seen those in years.

They look brand new.

Yeah, I realized whenever I wore them
they just made too much noise.

Harvey?

Harvey.

That is just like him.

We ask for help and then
he gets wrapped up in something else.

Okay, you know,
I still think you guys are overreacting.

Now, we're all going back to work.
Business as usual.

She may have k*lled her aunts, okay?

We could be dealing with
an aunt-icidal maniac.

We have nothing
to worry about with Sabrina.

Hey, guys, I got a surprise.

[COWORKERS GASP]

No, guys, the Kn*fe is for the cake.
I brought cake.

Leonard,
get out from underneath the desk.

Guys, listen, I know there's been
rumors about my behavior lately,

but you haven't been seeing
the whole picture.

I mean, there's an explanation
for everything:

The grocery cart, the Kn*fe,
the rings of Saturn.

[HONKING NEARBY]

- Ooh, latte cart.
- Guys, wait.

I'm not a lunatic.

Hey, there you are.
I wanted to pay you back your money.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.
It was just coffee, but thanks.

I'm Sabrina Spellman, by the way.

Hi, I'm Ashanti. Nice to meet you.

- Oh, the singer, Ashanti?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, I see what's happening here.

They're trying to set me up
and you're in on it.

They think I'm nuts and they're trying
to push me into the crazy pool.

Very funny, guys.
You can come out now.

Let me know if there is ever anything
I can do to return the favor.

Uh, actually, since you're offering,

um, would you mind giving me
a few minutes to do an interview?

Uh, the magazine would love it,

and my reputation
sure could use the help.

I'm kind of in a rush.
The tour bus is waiting outside.

But you know what?
Here is my manager's card.

Give her a call.
She'll set something up.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, was that?

Was someone
supposed to interview Ashanti?

Jonathan didn't say anything to me
about it.

You didn't go saying something weird
and chase her off.

As a matter of fact,
she came here to...

No.

All right, all right, all right.
Forget the manager.

Look. Here's my cell number.

Give me a call tonight before the show
and you can get your interview.

And, girl, you are definitely

riding the roller coaster on
the rings of Saturn in my book. Holler.

- Wow. Sabrina knows Ashanti.
- Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Me and Ashanti, ha, ha.

Yeah, we're buds. We go way back.

Well, I guess
we misjudged the new girl.

So Ashanti is the one
who came up with

this whole
rings-of-Saturn thing, huh?

Well, actually, uh,
we both came up with it together.

Yeah, we're like
Lennon and McCartney,

Simon and Garfunkel, ha, ha.

We're Spellman and...

Whatever Ashanti's last name is.

So is anybody gonna eat this cake?

Hey, looks like
you got everything stowed away.

- What happened to Harvey?
- He bailed on us hours ago.

[GASPING]

Harvey, what happened to you?

I was...

Giant octopus, and tentacles,
and acid blood.

It was horrible.

MORGAN: Is that Harvey up there?
We've got six more boxes.