07x14 - Present Perfect

[bunniefuu]

Look, all I'm saying
is you have more hair to wash,

you should pay a bigger share
of the water bill.

Says the girl
with the -watt makeup mirror.

- Something burning?
SABRINA: Unh!

[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]

Smoke, flames.

[SABRINA COUGHING]

Great.

Blackened cookies.

Think Annie will believe me
when I tell her they're Cajun?

Why are you baking cookies
for your boss?

Well, I thought giving her
sacks of cash would be too obvious.

This week is my performance review
and every little bit of sucking up helps.

Unfortunately, sacks of cash is exactly
what the electric company wants.

This is what we each owe
for utilities.

Well, if I pay that, I won't even have
enough for my car payment,

or my nails.

Not even one coat.

How pathetic am I?

I'm gonna have to put half
this on my credit cards.

Plastic. Yes, I'm saved.

No, all mine are maxed out.

So? There are like five applications
for new ones in today's mail.

Of course, that is good.

- This is America.
- Exactly.

Life, liberty, and the pursuit
of the perfect little black dress.

Ooh.
I think I put one too many eggs in.

Whoa.

I guess that answers
the whole chicken-or-the-egg question.

Someone looks pretty spiffy today.
And I don't just mean me.

I'm meeting Aaron after work.

It's our first official date
and I want to look perfect.

Oh, is that a hole?

- Oh, no, just lace.
- Oh, for the record?

The way to a man's heart
is not through his stomach.

- Here, I'll prove it.
- Hey, hands off.

Those are a shameless bribe for Annie,
along with the mocha almond coffee.

Hello? Who made this coffee?

- I did.
ANNIE: It's disgusting.

You know
I don't like anything sweet.

Except for the occasional
chocolate-chip cookie.

Spellman, we've got work to do.

And by we, I mean you.
I need these pages proofed.

Hey, this is your article.

You must have a lot of faith in me.
I'm flattered.

No, don't be. You're all I've got.

The temp they sent over
is dyslexic.

Well, me and my red pen
will get all over this.

Not that I'm expecting
a lot of mistakes.

I'm expecting a lot of, you know,
check pluses

and "very goods" and "good jobs"
and "very funnys."

The article's about starvation
in sub-Saharan Africa.

In your capable hands,
I'm sure it's hilarious.

I'll get started.

What? That sentence is perfect.

Except that it ends in a preposition.

Which Shakespeare did all the time.

So I'll just turn this question mark
into a happy face.

You do realize that
for your review tomorrow,

Jonathan has finally consented
to letting me decide your fate?

And it's a good thing
we get along so well or I'd be worried.

This has to be perfect.

Annie, apropos of nothing,
care for a cookie?

Oh, Leonard, that's so sweet of you.

A little sucking up
wouldn't k*ll you, Spellman.

Okay, are you sure
this is how you spell Madagascar?

I'm sure, Merriam-Webster is sure,

the ambassador to Madagascar
is sure.

I'm sorry, I just can't afford
to make even one mistake.

I mean, am I just paranoid
or is Annie out to get me?

Oh, she's definitely out to get you.
The rest of us talk about it all the time.

Oh, well that explains the pointing
and whispers.

Sure, believe whatever you want.

Okay, well, after tomorrow,
Annie is gonna be my biggest fan.

Good. Does that mean we're done
and we can get something to eat?

Eat, dinner, Aaron. Oh, no.

Oh, so much for tonight
being perfect.

Oh, late for your first date, huh?

Could that be
your subconscious calling out

for a steaming hot bowl
of Leonard stew?

No, but I think
I did just hear it scream.

Oh, hey, Aaron.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. I am on my way.

Actually, I'm in the parking lot.

Oh, late and lying.
This relationship is doomed.

Uh, no, that's just the valet.

Uh, thank you for your input, sir.
Now please just park the car.

Okay, I'll be right there.

- Bye, Leonard.
- Bye, Leonard.

Thanks for staying late.

Thanks for helping me out.

Thanks for staying late
and helping out.

Hey, any time.

She so wants me.

Hi.

Oh.

Hi. I, um, didn't see you come in.

Oh, then you missed my pirouette
by the dessert cart.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- I'm so sorry, I'm late.

Oh, don't worry about it.

You look really beautiful.

Thanks, you too.

Well, or whatever
the male equivalent is. Ha, ha.

So, um, you must be starving.

No, I ordered an artichoke
for us to share.

And it was delicious. Ha, ha.

But not to worry,
I've ordered us another one.

Oh, perfect. I love artichokes.

You know,
totally underrated vegetable.

I mean, it grows its own wrapper.

Leaves conveniently shaped
for dipping.

And really hard to hold on to.
I'm sorry.

Oh, don't worry about it.

My fault for not putting down a napkin,
or wearing rubber pants.

I think I'm just really nervous.
I wanted our first date to be perfect.

And here I am, you know,

late and throwing food
all over the restaurant.

- It's okay. Five-second rule.
- Ahem.

You know, um,
it would be okay if you said something.

In fact, it would be helpful.

Are you kidding?
I'm enjoying the performance.

Then you should stay
for the late show.

Not that I'm implying anything.

Not that I'm not implying anything.
I just...

Please say something.

So seen any good movies?

Great, another credit card activated
and ready to go.

Plus, it came with , miles
on Icelandic Air.

This is so easy.

You should've seen what I had to fill
out to get a Blockbuster membership.

Why is it easier to get a credit card
than rent A Night at the Roxbury?

Ooh, Sabrina's home. We should
clear out and give them privacy.

You're right.

We don't want to be nosy
roommates.

How sweet.
He's going in for the kiss.

No, Sabrina, tilt to the left.

His left, his left.

[BOTH]
Ooh!

That's gotta hurt.

Sorry again. Are you sure
you don't wanna come in?

AARON: No, I think the cold air
will help stop the bleeding.

Good night.

Hey, Sabrina.

That was officially the worst date
of my entire life.

There is no way he's ever
gonna wanna go out with me again.

Then it's good he's the one
with the bloody nose.

No, and my day
was hardly any better.

Let's just hope that
this is all the storm

before the calm of tomorrow's glowing
performance review.

Before I forget, Leonard called.

He thinks you might have misspelled
Madagascar.

[GRUNTS]

Another mistake brought to you
by the incompetence at Sabrina.

I'm sorry, Sabrina.

Can we at least buy you something?

Thanks to you,
we've got a $ , limit.

No, I don't think anything
could possibly help.

Except maybe one of those little foot
massager thingies. That wouldn't hurt.

Maybe, actually, one for each foot.

"Mistakes, goofs,
blunders, faux pas."

- Check the appendix.
- This doesn't have an appendix.

But you do.

The appendix
is nature's biggest mistake.

Well, since the dog.

This is relevant how?

Little known fact.

If a witch gets rid of her appendix,
she'll be mistake free.

Hmm. Remove a minor non-vital organ
without anesthesia?

After what I've been through today,
that doesn't sound so bad.

Mistakes that I make
cause damage and strife,

help me remove the cause
from my life.

Holy appendectomy.
Tell me you're Board Certified.

Yes, I'm Ouija board certified.

Here you go. A little souvenir.

My appendix is in there?

What am I supposed to do with this?
I mean, put it with my old retainer?

I turned mine into a hacky sack.

That was useless,
I don't feel any different.

Nope, not in the slightest.

Well, you seem a little different.

Oh, pshaw. No different at all.

You know,
oh, no time for dilly-dallying.

Tick-tock, time for bed.

Perfect. I couldn't possibly sleep
in an unmade bed.

Okay, well,
see you in exactly eight hours.

Morning.
Isn't it a perfectly perfect day?

Yep.

Be sure to have a muffin or three.

I decided to have it catered.

Breakfast,
it's everywhere I wanna be.

I'm paying off my student loans.

Whoever said you can't put a price
on education didn't go to college.

I can't believe you guys
are being so dense.

You thought it was a good idea too.

Not at these interest rates.

Okay, first,
transfer this balance to this card.

And transfer that balance
to that card.

Deduct percent
from the principal,

and you can apply for two more cards
and a home equity loan.

Come on, print.

Okay, I've given you toner,
I've given you paper.

I've given you everything
you asked for.

- What more do you want from me?
- Uh, you mind if I take a look at that?

How'd you do that?

Oh, I just tweaked the tolerance
on the third set of pass bars

and upped the toner percent. Duh!

Oh, layout
for the skateboarding piece, huh?

Yep, and I'm on a little bit of a deadline
so if you could...

Something's missing.

Ooh, I think it's the action.
Okay, try leading with this one.

Pow!
Then you follow with these three.

Bam, bam, bam.

Yeah, you don't even need this one.

You know what I don't need?

A perky little know-it-all
telling me how to do my job.

Oh, nice layout, James.

Hmm. You're welcome.

- Aaron, how wonderful to see you.
- Ha, ha.

Okay, a little Doris Day,
but I could get into it.

I just came by to see
if you're free for lunch.

Your timing is perfect.
We have exactly minutes.

Oh, great. Okay, I read about
this terrific little Italian place...

Uh, bup, bup, bup. Fifty-nine minutes.
Less talk, more walk.

It sounds like work's been going
a lot better for you today.

Hmm? Oh, it's been perfect.

Is something wrong?

No, it's...

Well, yes.

It seems
that my side of the tablecloth

is hanging slightly lower
than your side.

And there's a stain.

Whoa!

Yeah, I know.
And this is a four star restaurant.

Anyway, I was about to tell you
about my perfect day.

I'm so looking forward
to this afternoon.

It's my performance review and I just
know that everything is gonna be...

Excuse me.

Hi, hi there, hi.

You mind if I?

Okay,
first you pluck off the claws, like so.

Then you pinch here and here,
and voilà, heaven in little red pants.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Wow, between you and I,
I had no idea you were such a stickler.

Well, between you and me, I'm not.

I'm sorry, but, uh, the pronoun
in that case is,

after all, the object of a preposition.

What do you say we get the check?

Well, I don't understand the need.

I kept a running total
of everything we had in my head.

Um, you had an ice tea...

Okay, do not say,
"tick-tock, tick-tock, people," again.

I beg you.

I'm sorry, this staff meeting was
supposed to start two minutes ago.

My watch is set
to Greenwich Mean Time.

Yeah, well,
mine is set to Annie mean time.

- Where's Leonard?
- Here you go.

Proofs for next week's issue.

Got any changes? Should have
made them this morning. Ha, ha.

Aw, sh**t,
they spelled my name wrong.

Someone changed
the title of my article.

Uh, it was a little wordy.
This has pith.

Somebody re-cropped all my photos.

- Guilty.
- Spellman, what were you thinking?

I asked you to proof my article,
you changed the entire thing.

But only in the interest
of good journalism.

Now it's perfect.

ANNIE:
Don't you get it?

You changed titles,
you altered the layout.

You rewrote your boss?
What were you thinking?

Well, I was thinking in your case,

that your third paragraph
should be your lead,

and when you read it,
you'll see I was right.

Oh, well, here's a lead for you,
you're fired.

Fired?
Well, now, that is not very perfect.

You heard me, Spellman,
you're fired.

Effective immediately.

But I don't understand.
I mean, why would you fire me?

I am error free. I am without flaws.
I don't even have any cavities.

Look, Annie, I love this job,

and I am just trying
to be the best employee

I or anybody in the history
of employees...

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

- Sabrina here.
- Hey, Sabrina, it's Aaron.

Oh, hi, I don't mean
to imply that your timing isn't perfect

but, um, I'm in the middle
of a slight crisis.

- Could I call you back?
- You know what? No need.

Um, I was just calling
to say that, uh...

I think we should cool things
down a bit.

You know,
maybe take a break from each other.

Take a break?
From what? We just started.

If this is about the artichoke incident,
I swear I've changed.

Don't worry, that's perfectly clear.

I'll see you around, Sabrina.

Ugh.

How could everything go so wrong
when I am so right?

I might have been a little ambiguous.
I want you out.

Okay, there's that preposition
at the end of a sentence again.

All right, I'm going.

Sabrina, wait. You've got to help us.

I'm sorry, but you
and your new karaoke machine

are just gonna have to butcher
Celine Dion without me.

I figured out there's no way
we can even come close

to the minimum payments
on all of these credit cards.

And they are not giving us
any more credit.

They say that we have
no visible means of support.

Which at first I thought
was a huge compliment.

And even if we stop spending today,

we'll be in our s
before it's all paid off.

I'm sorry,
but I have bigger fish to fry.

Ooh, and that giant fish fryer
might come in quite handy.

Sabrina, you have to help us.

You're the one who led us down
this path of debt and despair.

And here I was feeling guilty
about forging your name.

I'm sorry, but I thought
it was a perfectly perfect idea.

I want my appendix back.

This spell has cost me my job,
my friends' financial future,

a fabulous guy, ooh,
but my hair's never looked better.

Well, I can't help you
with the appendix.

I put it down the garbage disposal.

It's sleeping with the eggshells.

What?

Never put eggshells down
the garbage disposal.

There's gotta be some way
to undo this spell.

You know,
being perfect is perfectly awful.

Salem, you've been around
for hundreds of years.

You've gotta know a way
to reverse this.

Well, I might be able to pull
some strings

and get you into Mistake School.

- Mistake School?
- Yeah.

It's a school for people
having trouble with mistakes.

Ooh, sounds perfect.

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, people,
we've been over this before.

Once again from the top,
the comb-over, always a mistake.

Thinking that it's gonna clear up
on its own.

Excuse me, I'm Sabrina Spellman
and I misplaced my appendix.

Consequently I've lost my job
and my boyfriend.

So really I just need to learn
mistakes again and, uh, then I can go.

You lost your boyfriend
and your job?

Sounds like you already know
how to make mistakes.

Uh, it's called irony. Ha, ha.
Okay, just tell me what I need to do.

Start with a review of your mistakes.

One moment, sir.
Why is her case up?

I've been here since
for a mistake I didn't even make.

General Custer.

Whole troop wiped out
by a handful of Indians. Ugh.

Whew, that was a big mistake.

Yeah.

Hey, who took my pencil?

I'm telling you, they ambushed us.

My horse was lame.
The sun was in my eyes.

I swear, I sell that screenplay
I am so out of here.

Okay, Sabrina Spellman,
let's take a look at your mistakes.

Those are all my mistakes?
I'm not even that old.

This is just the A's.

And now we enter
the junior high years.

So obviously you can get a sunburn
on a cloudy day.

Oh, everybody was obsessed
with Madonna that year.

And people said I looked hot.

Well, that's a spell gone awry.

Another spell gone awry.

Gone awry.

Awry, but for the record,
his head eventually did grow back.

What? That sentence is perfect.

Except that it ends in a preposition.

Mouthy little gal, ain't she?

Two words. Sitting Bull.

All right, point taken.
I shouldn't have corrected my boss.

Let's go to a little later
that same day.

All right, all right.

I admit it, I make mistakes.

I'm the worst person, witch, employee,
roommate, girlfriend,

artichoke eater in the world.

You forgot student.

You're just not getting it, are you?

SABRINA:
Hey, that's me.

I am a determined little thing,
and cute.

You fell on your keister , times

before you finally walked
across that room.

Hey, now that is just being unfair.

Okay, I'm a baby.
That's what babies do.

That's how they learn to walk.

[BELL RINGING]

Oh, I get it.

Mistakes are important
because we learn from them.

So instead of wishing
I never made any,

I should just embrace
what they teach me and move on.

Exactly.

And you couldn't have given me
this platitude two hours ago?

There you go. Congratulations.

You are completely fallible,
error-prone,

and will definitely make many, many
mistakes during your lifetime.

Thanks. I can't wait to get started.

So does this take effect right...?

I guess so.

Okay, I'm sorry if I contributed
to this problem.

I'm sorry if I actually made it worse.

And I'm sorry that I wasn't espousing
fiscal responsibility and sage advice,

but I now know exactly
what we have to do.

- What?
- This.

[ROXIE GASPS]

- There.
- One of those was my driver's license.

Oh, my mistake.

I just want to say that I'm really sorry
if I caused everyone grief.

I was so afraid of making a mistake
that I stepped in a couple of big ones.

Oh, no kidding. Heh.

I'm probably gonna regret this,

and it's not gonna help
my reputation for being a softy

but I am willing
to give you one last chance.

Oh, woo-hoo. Thank you so much.

Oh, uh,
one last chance starting now?

- Proof this.
- Will do.

And don't clog the margins
with your little happy faces.

Won't do.

And don't flag anything except typos.

Nope, no flags, no happy faces,

unless it's my happy face
because I'm so happy to be back.

Never mind. I need this done now
and I need it done right.

I'm gonna give it to Esme.
Her English is really improving.

Well, okay, you're the boss.
Whatever you want is fine.

It gives me a chance to get started
on the article I wanna write.

Don't waste your time.

Oh, no, it's not a waste.
I'm actually really excited about it.

- Let me pitch it to you real quick.
- No, I mean, don't waste my time.

The last thing I need to do
is slog my way

through another tedious
Spellman hack piece.

Okay, maybe later.

No, wait. Uh, wait a minute.

Did you just call me a hack?

Hmm, let me think. Yes, I did.

Okay. No, not okay.

Not okay at all.

I beg your pardon?

Look, I admit it,
I might make the occasional mistake,

but the biggest mistake I made was not
standing up to you months ago.

I'm not a hack.

I'm a really good writer and I bust
my butt day in and day out for you.

I do not deserve to be treated
like this, ever.

You go, girl.

I mean, uh, you, Sabrina girl, go home
and think about what you just said.

Oh, I don't have to think about it.

I know what I just said
and I stand by it. I quit.

Oh, so you're just gonna walk
out of here?

Do you know how difficult it is
to find a job in journalism?

You're making a huge mistake.

You know, I don't think so.

But if I am, I'll learn.

Someday I'd like to be the kind of girl
who makes a graceful exit.

AARON:
I certainly hope not.

Hi. What are you doing here?

I just wanted to apologize
for being such a schmuck.

I mean, what kind of guy breaks up
with a girl over the phone?

You're not gonna do it now
in person, are you?

No.

Look, I realized you were just trying
to make everything perfect.

And while that's sweet
and flattering,

Sabrina, I love it when you're wrestling
with vegetables

and always showing up late.

Well, actually,
that last part is a little bit annoying,

but the point is,
I don't want somebody who's perfect.

Well, then it's your lucky day.

Absolutely perfect.

That's fantastic. I'll see you
first thing tomorrow morning.

Bye.

Woo-hoo. Salem, I just booked
my second freelance assignment.

- Apparently I'm quite in demand.
- Yeah, that's great.

Do you know where the tape is?

Yeah, here you go.

Wait a second. What is this for?

Why do you always go there?

It's a roll of tape.
Not C- plastic expl*sives.

Maybe I got you something
and I'd like to give it a decent wrapping

instead of sticking it
in some cheesy gift-bag.

All right. Jeez, I'm sorry.

I guess I just thought that maybe
you'd try to use this

to tape these up and use them?

What?

I've never seen those credit cards
before in my life.