07x18 - Spellmanian Slip

[bunniefuu]

Cut, clarity, karat, ka-ching!

I could hock this rock for a fortune.

Paws off my engagement ring, cat.

I'm never removing
this beautiful, sparkly...

Plastic twist tie? Freeze, cat burglar.

[SALEM WHIMPERS]

Now, we can do this
one of two ways:

The hard way,
or the really hard way.

SALEM:
Don't I at least get a phone call?

No,
not in Sabrina Spellman's America.

[WHIMPERS AND GRUMBLES]

Oh, did the mean old cat hurt you?

SALEM:
Cattica! Cattica! Cattica!

[SALEM GRUNTS]

Are you sure
you don't need any help?

I'm fine.
I'm just meeting Aaron's parents.

They're not just
your boyfriend's parents.

They are your future in-laws.

And whatever they think
about this first dinner

is what they are gonna think about you
for the rest of your life.

I'm dry but well-seasoned?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Unless that's them and they're early,

in which case they'll call me
bland and half-baked.

- We can stay here if you want.
- No, go.

Enjoy your evening.
I've got everything under control.

Where is it written
that you have to start cooking

once you get engaged?

Probably the same stupid book

that says you have to stop dating
other people.

Oh, here. I'm on my way
to pick up my folks at the train station.

Well, what's all this?

Just a couple things
my dad's gonna want for dinner.

Peppercorns, mustard, ice cream.

Like all together in the same bowl?

He's a little detail-oriented.
Most nuclear engineers are.

Nuclear engineer? Okay,
that's a nine on the intimidating meter.

- Anything I should know about Mom?
- She's an expert on relationships.

- Well, what mom isn't?
- No, my mom really is.

She's even written a book
on the subject.

- "Not with My Son You Don't."
- Skim it.

Okay, I'm running late.

Don't be nervous.
This is gonna be fun.

Nervous? I'm not nervous.

I am way past nervous.

Roxie. Morgan.

Oh, right.

[COWS MOOING]

I've never seen so many cows
in my whole life.

Has there always been a farm here?

This is dinner, huh?

So you're assuming
they'll have already eaten.

Salem, just once,
say something supportive and helpful.

I wish you were marrying Harvey.

Ugh. You know, I wonder if I could find
a recipe that calls for a dead cat.

But I like Harvey.

He's the only one of your boyfriends
who ever treated me like a person.

He's the only one that ever knew
you were a person.

Why are you so ashamed of me?

Did you know there's a farm
where that middle school used to be?

Yeah, I think I heard that
at the block meeting.

Uh, thank goodness you are home.

I am having judgmental geniuses
for dinner.

Oh, you'll feel better once
you've changed and done your hair.

I changed. I did my hair.

- What can we do to help?
- Everything.

Set the table, shine the silver,
fluff the pillows. Go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Don't go. Uh, greet them.

Make small talk, be charming,
but not more charming than me. Go.

Okay, calm down.

A couple deep breaths,
everything will be fine.

Know what else I like about Harvey?

Salem,
Aaron and I are getting married.

That's that.

Maybe I'll marry Harvey.

I think it's legal in Vermont.

Thank you both
for welcoming us into your home.

Oh, not really our home.

Or our idea, but come on in anyway.

Ah, there she is.

Sabrina, these are my parents.
Shirley, Bob.

Mom, Dad,

this is the girl that I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life with.

I'm so happy to meet you.

You're just like Aaron described.

Good, no hug.

Because I got
a lot of personal-space issues.

Yeah. Except with you.
Don't leave my side.

So, um,
Aaron told me a lot about you.

Well, obviously he didn't tell you
I hate small talk.

I like them.

Yeah.

So Sabrina tells me
you're a nuclear engineer.

Fifteen years.
Bringing cheap energy to the masses.

Cheap and deadly.

Do you realize you're slowly ruining
the global ecosystem?

We're working as fast as we can.

- Morgan, quick, run interference.
- No problem.

Uh, so you're in the nuclear biz,
huh?

I once dated a guy named Adam,
but then we split.

[CHUCKLES]

So you have no contact
with your parents whatsoever?

No, well, it's not like it's our choice,
it's, uh...

Well, they're very busy.

And, uh, they travel a lot.
Yeah, town to town.

You know, it's not like they're carnies
or anything. It's complicated.

Mom,
can we do this without the grilling?

Aaron, honey, I am not grilling her.

So how many serious relationships
have you been in?

That depends on
what you mean by "serious."

I've had a lot of relation...
Oh, I don't mean a lot.

I just, um...

You know, I never
took any of them seriously. Ha, ha.

Have I told you about my parents?

I like her.

I like her a lot.
Even more than Brenda.

Thank you. Who's Brenda?

- Oh, no one. No one important.
- His last fiancée.

What? You were engaged before?

You know, honestly, that was...

Communication is the cornerstone
of every successful relationship.

Yes, and you and I
need to communicate right now.

Morgan, Shirley, distract, now.

I'm on it.
Uh, so you're a relationship expert.

SABRINA:
Who's Brenda?

I once dated a guy named Adam,
but then we split.

[CHUCKLES]

So when were you gonna tell me
about Brenda?

Sabrina, that was so long ago.

Honestly,
I haven't spoken to her in years.

She's ancient history.

Hey, Sabrina, Hope I'm not late.

Unlike your ex,
who just lives on and on.

I can't believe you invited him
to dinner with my parents.

I didn't invite him.

- I didn't invite you.
- I know.

Salem did.
He said there'd be dinner.

And fireworks.

I've lit the fuse,
now I just wait for the kablooey.

[LAUGHS THEN COUGHS]

Well, you can't stay.
This night is already a minefield.

So, Mr. Kinkle,
I understand you're the ex.

If anyone can give me some insights
into my future daughter-in-law, it's you.

- Come, sit next to me. Ha, ha.
- Harvey, no.

Chew later.
Go tell Aaron that you invited Harvey.

- Did I?
- You did now.

It's people like you
who are destroying the planet.

And it's people like you
who make me want to.

Guys, it's a party.
Let's not talk politics.

Why exactly did Sabrina
break up with you?

Guys, it's a party.
Let's not talk relationships.

I have no idea why I invited him.

Guys, it's a party, let's not talk...
Let's just not talk.

I smell smoke.
Is something on fire?

Oh, wouldn't it be great?

SALEM:
I see good old Harvey stopped by.

How serendipitous.

I'll seren-dip you. Ugh.
Oh, this is a complete disaster.

Oh, I wanted this evening
to be perfect.

You know, we should be laughing,
clinking glasses.

Everything should be harmonious.
Ah. That's it.

My guests are angry as can be
Bring this night some harmony

"Harmony Salt, helping people
get along since ." Excellent.

Well, I will just season this evening
to perfection.

AARON: Can't we get over this?
ROXIE: You drive an SUV?

SHIRLEY: She really broke his heart.
BOB: Oh, we're working on that.

Hey, look, everyone. Crab cakes.

Oh, my favorite.

Oh, wonderful.
You made Harvey's favorite.

Just eat this,
Mr. Previously-Engaged.

So do we like the crab cakes?

ALL:
Mm.

Good. So crazy weather
we've been having, huh?

[HARMONY SONG PLAYING
ON PIANO]

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

The musical notes on the label
should have tipped me off.

Oh, well,
at least we're not arguing anymore.

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

Harmony, harmony

This is going oh so well

lmagine my delight
To meet you here tonight

And endlessly enumerate
The reasons you're not right

Excuse me?

My boy says you're the one
When all is said and done

You simply are not good enough
To wed my perfect son

It steams me seeing Harvey
Standing next to you

It seems that Harvey's
More than just an ex to you

Oh, yeah?

I love the ring but hey
I'd love to hear you say

How many other fiancées
You've dumped along the way

Harmony, harmony

Can't conceal the bile

Harmony, harmony

This is gonna take a while

Your power plants and toxic dumps
Are perilous

Your roommate's confrontational
And querulous

Perhaps it would be best
To not offend our guest

So zip your lip
And give your hippie politics a rest

Morgan, help.

Everybody look at Morgan.

Harmony, harmony

This was not my plan

Now we're all meaner than

When this stupid song began

There's nothing like
A good old-fashioned melody

To put a little gloss on animosity

Sling mud with effervescent charm

Draw blood while singing arm-in-arm

And all in perfect harmony

In case you didn't hear it

Knock down, drag out harmony

One more time.

- A five, six...
- No, no more time.

Enough music.

AARON: I can't believe
that we're still talking about this.

How long are we gonna
have to deal with this?

Everybody, listen.

I think we're all getting
a little out of control here.

I'm fine.

Although I have a strange urge
to do jazz hands.

Look, we're arguing
and insulting each other,

and we're losing sight
of what's really important.

Aaron and I are about to embark on the
most significant journey of our lives,

and we'll need
all the support we can get.

At the end of the day,
the important thing to remember

is that Aaron loves me
and I love Harvey.

Did I just say Harvey?

Harvey? You love... Harvey?

No, not Harvey. Aaron. You.

Well, you said Harvey.

- You did.
- Yep.

- She did.
- I know.

Okay, I know I said it.

Uh, I don't deny that I said it,
but I didn't mean to say it.

I don't know what I was thinking.
Harvey's been on my mind a lot lately.

Oh, well, that makes me,
Aaron, feel so much better.

Sounds to me like a certain young lady
has some serious issues.

Issues? I don't have issues.
Aaron, honey, tell her I love you.

Tell her!

Sabrina, I think I have to agree
with my mother on this.

No, don't start now, son.
It's a slippery slope.

And here I thought things
were going so well.

No, please don't go.
We haven't even had dinner yet.

Oh, and who do you think
has an appetite right now?

I do.

How could I have been so stupid?
I've ruined everything.

Except for the chicken,
which is like a little slice of heaven.

I think you're overreacting.

Harvey will be fine.

I tell guys that I love them all the time
and don't mean it.

They're surprisingly resilient.

Is it possible
you still have feelings for Harvey?

No, not possible.
It was a slip of the tongue.

You know, tongues get slippery.

They're like a water slide for words.

I don't think
this was just a slip of the tongue.

I think it was a Freudian slip.

And as Freud said,
"There are no accidents."

SALEM [IN GERMAN ACCENT]:
Perhaps the root of the problem

lies somewhere
in your subconscious desires, no?

No, the root of my problem
is that I'm talking to a cat.

Why won't Aaron call me back?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Maybe
because you called him Harvey?

Thank you, Dr. Duh.
Why did I say that?

Maybe Roxie's right.
Maybe I should talk to somebody.

What am I, chopped liver? Mm, liver.

- I think our time is up.
- Yeah, I'll say.

I need to get some things
Off my chest

Help me find the shrink
Who is the best

Hey, swanky.

Ooh, look,
there's even lemon in the water.

Hello, I'm Dr. Jacobs.

- Sabrina?
- Shirley?

You're the best psychologist
in Boston?

I gotta be more specific
with my incantations.

What are you doing here besides
spitting citric acid all over the leather?

Uh, well, I thought I was gonna
bare my soul and fix my relationship,

but, uh, best-laid plans...

- I should probably go.
- Probably.

I don't think conflict of interests
even begins to cover this.

Look, Shirley, Dr. Jacobs,
I know you probably don't believe this,

but Freudian slip or not,
I love Aaron Jacobs.

Your son, very much. See you.

I've got to say,
I am impressed how forcefully

and directly
you're addressing this problem.

You are? I mean, that's me.

Sabrina "Always Addressing
Things Forcefully" Spellman.

Sabrina,
can I talk to you as a professional?

Suppose you just talk to me
as my future mother-in-law.

Stay away from my son.

- Professional it is.
- Good choice.

Sabrina,
I don't think you know what you want.

I don't think
you know your own heart.

I think I know my own heart.

I mean, not that I'd recognize it
walking down the street.

You're not really one
for the witty aside, are you?

I think you have to look deep
within your heart

and figure out
what's really going on.

And once you've done that,
we'll have dinner again.

That's it? Easy.

- See you in about four years.
- Four years?

At least.

There are no shortcuts
in mental health.

So I'm guessing it's too soon
to start calling you Mom?

See, not even a smile.

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

Ever have a song
you just can't get out of your head?

The Meow Mix jingle comes to mind.

Oh, thanks. There it is again.

Why does it seem
like you're here more than I am?

I figure I should be around,
seeing as you love me.

Look, that was a mistake.

An awful, horrible mistake
that should never have happened.

Is that any way
to talk to the man you love?

Harvey, I don't have time for this.

I have to look deep within my heart
and find out why I said it.

I'm guessing this is gonna involve
a lot of pinging and pointing.

Good guess.

Let's see.

"Heart. Lonely, Be Still My b*ating,
Left in San Francisco, Maps of."

That's it. A map of my heart.

What could be easier?

Just about anything.

Why are these things
always so confusing?

Oh, good,
there's an information booth.

[HEART b*ating]

Excuse me.

Oh, hello.
Welcome to Sabrina's heart.

Are you here to become
a Patron of the Hearts?

No.
Actually, I'm here to look deep within it.

Oh, well, excellent.
There's the map, and...

Oh, my gosh. You're her.

It's you.
I've always wanted to meet you.

You almost came through my throat
the last time I rode a roller coaster.

I think I was more frightened
than you that day.

- Ha, ha. What's that?
- Oh, the jalapenos you had for lunch.

- Sorry.
- Oh, not a problem.

Now, if you'll follow me,
we'll start in the left ventricle.

Korean?

How many Korean tourists
do you get here?

You'd be surprised.

Oh, I love blue.

I know, we've got scads of it.

SweeTarts. Oh, I love SweeTarts.

Toaster waffles. Oh, l...

Love them, I know.

Strangely,
one of our most popular exhibits.

You know, I was worried
that my heart would reveal

all these deep, dark secrets,
but it's really very...

Cracked?

I don't get it. I work out, I eat right.

Oh, you're fine.
Every heart gets broken.

This is where Harvey broke yours.

As they say, time and a couple
of day laborers heal all wounds.

Aaron. See, I knew it. I love Aaron.

Yeah. Again, I know.

Not only is he in my heart,
but I've got him on a pedestal,

which may not be the healthiest thing,
but I'll work on that later.

Yeah, later, yeah.

So I guess that comment about Harvey
really was just a slip of the tongue.

- Yeah.
- Hey, Harvey.

Harvey?

What's Harvey doing here,
in his own room,

with a plasma-screen TV?
Is that real plasma?

Harvey obviously occupies
a very special place in your heart.

Well, why is Aaron out in the hallway
on a crummy pedestal?

Well, Harvey's part
of our permanent collection

and things in the hallway
are just temporary.

Temporary?

Don't you remember two years ago
when you "loved orange"?

It was the new black or something?

- If I never see that color again...
- Look, Aaron is not temporary.

We're getting married.
Till death do us part.

You can't get more
permanent than that.

Well, you really
haven't known him that long.

- I'll take it up with the people upstairs.
- The people upstairs are me.

Well, no wonder I've been blurting out
Harvey's name.

- We gotta find a room for Aaron.
- Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't. No.

Don't. Don't...

Billy Johnson.
Oh, he was my first crush.

He ate a caterpillar
just to impress me.

Ew. Oh, don't open that door.

Puppies! I love puppies!

Yeah, you don't have to clean up
after them.

Look, Aaron is here to stay.

He needs a room
and he needs it now.

Somebody's gotta go.
Billy, pack it up.

The heart has an infinite capacity
for love.

Rooms get built over time.

Well, I don't have time.
I need a room now.

Knock yourself out.

I wonder how Aaron would feel
about a lean-to and a sleeping bag.

Ugh. If only Jimmy Carter
could see me now.

This has got to be good
for my heart.

It's so frustrating.

She says she loves me,
and yet I have this constant feeling

that I'm just some guy
passing through her life.

I hate to tell you this, dear,
but I really don't think there's anything

Sabrina can do
to change how you feel.

[SIGHS]

[HAMMERING]

Come on, come on,
you're hammering like a little boy.

You're mean. I'm glad I dumped you
for Susie Gibson.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should call the whole thing off.

Well, if you think that's best.

[SIGHS]

Voilà.

Your very own room.

Rent stabilized, an unbreakable lease,
and a partial view of the lungs.

I love it.
Won't be needing this anymore.

Ow.

Well, welcome to your new home.

All right, all right,
you've convinced me.

I guess I'll just call Sabrina
and tell her...

[BELL RINGS]

That I love her
and I know that the other night

was just a horrible mistake.

What?

You just have to believe me
when I tell you,

I know I have a special place
in Sabrina's heart,

and I just have to remember
that we all have pasts.

But Sabrina is definitely my future.

Maybe you don't know everything,
Mom.

If only I could blame his mother.

What I wouldn't give for a guy
that forgiving and understanding.

Heck, I'd settle
for his good looks and money.

Okay, lunch is ready.

Wow, this looks great. Thanks.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hm.

Harmony, harmony

Gosh we're feeling swell

I'll get you for this.

Harmony, harmony

This is going all so well

Well,
that was a tough couple of days.

But I'm glad everything worked out.

So am I.

AARON:
Mm.

- I love you, Sabrina.
- I love you, Billy.

Did I just say Billy?