08x05 - Bewitched, Bothered and Baldoni

[bunniefuu]

Hi. This is
Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[♪]

And here, ladies and gentlemen,
is the famous Galafedgio Venus.

Also known as Aphrodite.

Also known as big, big
troublemaker.

Ah, Venus, the goddess of love.

The high priestess
of hanky-panky.

And now, a special treat for the
ladies.

Come this way.

Galafedgio Adonis.

Mythology's strongest man
and greatest lover.

He had to be.

He was the boyfriend of Venus.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
follow me upstairs,

and we will visit with the great
works of the Renaissance.

This is where we came in.
Let's split.

[♪]

Oh.

Aren't they adorable?

I like your kind of doll better.

WOMAN:
I think she's cute too.

Tell me I didn't hear anything.

Mother.

Where? Where?

Now, that's what I call
bad casting.

Your mother as a doll.

Mother, what are you
doing in Rome?

What are you doing in Rome?

I thought you were staying
in Pisa.

Well, we... We are.

We have a lovely villa.

But Darrin had a business
appointment this afternoon

so we thought we'd do a
little sightseeing. Oh.

And what's more important,
who's home minding the children?

Esmeralda is covering for me.

And Tabitha wanted spaghetti
for lunch.

Why didn't you go to the market
like anybody else?

I'm not like anybody else.
Nor are my grandchildren.

When they want
Italian spaghetti,

they get Italian spaghetti.

But, Mother, you promised.

Speaking of promises,
I almost forgot.

I-I made a promise
to the children

that I would kiss their mama
and their papa for them.

[LAUGHS]

Er...

Well, half a promise
is better than none.

I appreciate that, Endora.

I have a business luncheon,

and I don't want to lose
my appetite.

I better get going.

See you back at the villa,
honey. Ciao.

And it's always a pleasure
to say goodbye to you, Endora.

[♪]

Oh, my.

What big eyes he has.

Mother, what's the real reason
you're in Rome?

That's the reason.

A mortal creature like Durwood,

transplanted from his quarter
acre of suburban crabgrass

to this romantic Roman carnival,

can go bananas.

And I don't want my little girl
to get hurt.

Ahh, well,

I appreciate the concern,
mamma mia.

It's been nice
chatting with you.

But we're having guests
for the weekend,

so I have to do the marketing.

Arrivederci.

[♪]

ENDORA:
Arrivederci?

Oh, you poor, trusting child.

When will you ever learn
that Mother knows best?

[♪]

And what Mother knows best...

is how to prove she's right.

[LAUGHS]

[MAN READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Marble Venus though you be.

I'll take thy marble heart
From thee.

And turn it into Flame and fire.

To light a mortal man's Desire

[♪]

Oh. That feels
so good.

You'll feel even better
when you're properly dressed.

What is this I'm wearing?

[CHUCKLES]

A woman's greatest w*apon:
A clinging dress.

You look stunning in it.

Oh, I know, I know.

But how did you do it and why?

Well, "how," it's just a little
parlor trick.

"Why," I'll tell you
as soon as we get out of here.

Oh. Half a moment,
dear.

Now you won't
be missed for hours.

Come along, dear.

[♪]

[♪]

Oh, mi scusi, I did not know
this table was occupied.

I'm sorry.

No, don't go.

I'd be honored if you'd join me.

Grazie.

Ahhh.

How charming you are.

Ah, thank you.

I feel charming.

I don't mean I feel charming,
I mean, I'm charmed by your...

Your eyes.

You have the most remarkable
eyes.

Green, aren't they?

That is your favorite color?

Yeah.

Then they are green.

Ahem.
So this is Rome.

Non è vero.
This is tourist Rome.

May I show you the real Rome?

W-would you?
That would be very nice.

But impossible.

I have this business meeting
with my boss and a client.

It's very important.

It is so important?

But not that important.
Let's go.

And it's not as though Larry

can't talk to the client
by himself.

Well, if he is the boss,

he certainly
should be able to, no?

Oui. Si.

[♪]

Good morning.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Mmmm.

Molto fantastico.

Ah, grazie, grazie.

MR. TATE: I'm Mr. Tate. Hi, Sam.
How's Darrin?

Will he live?

Uh...

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Grazie, signora, grazie.

What are you talking about?

He didn't show up
for the meeting with Baldoni.

So I can only conclude he was
in some terrible accident.

And if he wasn't,
he's gonna wish he were.

Hello. I'm home.

[♪]

Hi, Larry. Sweetheart.

Sam, the most amazing thing
happened to me.

Let me guess.

You were kidnapped,
and you escaped.

Anything less, I won't accept.

Uh, no.

What happened was, er,

I bumped into this Italian.

But, Darrin, you had
a business appointment

with Larry
and Mr. Baldoni.

Oh, don't worry, Larry.

Baldoni and his wife
are driving up for dinner

and to spend the weekend.

We'll make it up to them then.

That's your whole explanation?

Well, uh...

a-after I bumped
into this Italian...

we sort of took a walk.

Oh.

Well, is there anything wrong
with an American tourist

trying to make a good impression
on his European cousin?

We, uh,
e-exchanged ideas.

You know, it's really quite sad.

Do you realize how hard
it is for a European

to get a working visa
in the United States

if you don't have a job
waiting for you?

This Italian cousin of yours,
what sort of work does she do?

Did I say it was a she?

You didn't say it was a he,
so I figured it had to be a she.

Oh.

A lady cousin.

Uh, yeah. Heh.

Uh, anyway, um, I thought
you could use some help

with the dinner party tonight.

The villa comes
with four in-help.

Oh, I figured
that's what you'd say.

But actually
it's not so much for tonight,

I was thinking of taking her
home with us.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Home?
Where we live?

Well, sure.

You could use some help
around the house.

Just temporarily, of course,
till she got settled.

Anyway, uh, she, uh...

She's waiting outside.

Oh.

Oh, well, uh, show her in.

I guess that's the, uh,
courteous thing to do, huh?

Heh-heh! Excuse me.

[♪]

Vanessa, come in, please.

Uh, Vanessa, this is my, uh...

Uh...

Wife.

Wife.

And I'm, uh...

Uh...

Larry Tate.

Buongiorno.

[CHUCKLES]

Buongiorno.

Oh, I'm so delighted
to meet you all.

And I accept the position.

You've had experience
as a housekeeper?

No.

DARRIN:
Well, that's perfect, Sam.

That means she hasn't developed
any bad habits. Heh!

We can break her in
just the way we want her.

BOTH: Darrin, could I
speak to you privately?

Sorry.

Mine won't take long.

Excuse me. Heh.
Come on.

Uh, y-you'll be serving
tonight.

So why don't you go
into the kitchen,

and one of the girls
can find you an apron.

I have to go upstairs
and take care of something.

Si, signora.

[♪]

Mother, you show up here pronto.

I don't know what you're up to
or who that girl is,

but you're not proving anything.

A monk wouldn't be safe
with her.

"Monk or monkey,
what's the difference?"

Oh.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Sam, I've been talking to Larry
and he's concerned.

And what he's concerned about
is that you're concerned.

But it's really nothing
to be concerned about.

I'm not concerned.

Now, look, I realize Vanessa
is not your average maid.

You can bet my sweet mother
she isn't.

What's that supposed to mean?

I-I'm not sure what it is,

but there's something
very strange about her.

And it's quite possible

that Mother's weird sense
of humor is hard at work.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes?

VANESSA:
It is me, signora.

I want you to see
how I look in the apron.

Oh, uh, come in, Vanessa.

[♪]

Do I look all right?

Uh, well, uh, Vanessa,
when I said an apron.

I-I didn't mean
just an apron.

Now, why don't you
be a good girl and go out.

Backwards.

And we'll make sure you get
a uniform to go with that apron.

Si, signora.

Doesn't that tell you anything?

It just means
she's inexperienced.

She may be many things, Darrin,

but inexperienced
is not one of them.

[♪]

Signor Baldoni,
a thousand apologies

for missing this
afternoon's appointment.

Grazie.

Uh, but you see, uh,
I was waylaid...

At the Vatican,
waiting to see the Pope.

Oh. In that case, you will
forgive him, Ernesto, huh?

If your advertising is as
imaginative as your excuses,

then the House of Baldoni
will do very well in America.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, well, please, come on in.

Thank you.

Mr. and Mrs. Baldoni,
this is my wife, Samantha.

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

How do you do?
It is a pleasure.

Hi, Sam.

And our maid, Vanessa.

[♪]

Hello, Vanessa.
Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you.

May I fix our guest a cocktail?

Martini for me.

I will have a glass of water.

I'll have a martini
with a twist of legs.

Lemon.

I've never seen
such beautiful hazel eyes.

They're brown.

They're green.
They are hazel.

Come on, I'll prove it to you.

Excuse me,
Mrs. Stephens,

but does your maid
come with the villa?

Uh, not really.
She's a friend of the family.

I would rather have
Lucrezia Borgia as a friend.

They're definitely hazel.

Brown.

They're green
and stop crowding her.

[PHONE RINGS]

Uh, call me if...
If one of them suggests

playing spin the bottle.

Spin the bottle?
Just an American joke.

I think.

Hello?

Si.

Si. Signor Baldoni,
it's for you.

Oh. Scusi.

[♪]

Sweetheart.

Grazie.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Guido.

What? H-how?

Why was I not informed sooner?

[INDISTINCT SPEECH]

I appreciate it, Guido.

This is fantastic.

What has happened, Ernesto?

That was Guido Compapasso.

See, he is the Director
of the National Museum,

and I am on
the board of trustees.

He has just informed me
that the statue of Venus,

the Galafedgio Venus,

has been stolen
in broad daylight.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

MR. BALDONI:
It is the crime of the century.

Uh, w-w-would you all
excuse me, please?

Crimes of the century
give me a headache.

[♪]

Mother. Mother.

I know who Vanessa is,
and you know who Vanessa is,

and I want Vanessa like Vanessa
was, and I want it now.

[♪]

"Patience is its own reward.

Remember, Mother knows best."

What Mother knows best is
how to cause a lot of trouble.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Sam, what's wrong with you?
We have guests.

I know.

And we also have a maid
who happens to be

the crime of the century.

Hm?

Venus.
The goddess of love.

The one we saw at the museum
this afternoon.

Mother zapped her
into human form.

Are you sure?

It's a wise daughter
who knows her own mother.

If she has that effect on me,

what about Larry
and...? And Mr. Baldoni?

Oh...

[♪]

MRS. BALDONI: Ernesto, what
do you think you are doing?

I am only reading her palm.

In a minute you'll be reading
the back of my hand.

Why is she fooling around
with him,

if I'm supposed to be
her pigeon?

Fooling around is her business.

Is there any way
you can put her out of business?

Maybe.

A quick trip to Rome.

Sweetheart, you go down there

and try to keep everything
under control.

Uh, including yourself.
Ciao.

[♪]

Though of marble you be carved
For a woman you are starved.

So back you go
To flesh and sinew.

The fairest of them all
Will win you

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

Oh. Ha-ha! Forget it, Adonis.

I am not the fairest
of them all.

Well, you will do until
something better comes along.

Something better
is waiting for you at my villa.

Well, I guess
I'll have to get you

into some decent clothes.

Who are you?

A matchmaker.

And have I got a match for you.

Of course, as the House of
Baldoni's goodwill ambassador,

you will have an unlimited
expense account

in the finest hotels in Europe.

And, uh, every once in a while,
I might join you

in Zurich or Paris.

Yes, of course.

After you have come out
of the hospital.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Baldoni,

but I have Vanessa under
exclusive contract as a maid.

Besides, Vanessa,

you wouldn't want to break up
a happy marriage.

Oh.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

However, my marriage
could stand a little breaking.

How would you like to be
my private secretary?

Larry, does she look
like a private secretary to you?

Well, she looks more
like a private secretary

than she does a maid.

Well, I don't care what she
looks like, I saw her first.

Hi.

[♪]

Oh, Adonis.

Venus.

What did they call each other?

Venus and Adonis.

Pet names.

This is Alberto,
Mr. and Mrs. Baldoni,

my husband Darrin

and his business associate
Larry Tate.

Mr. and Mrs. Baldoni,
I'd like you to meet Alber...

to.

Alberto.

Alberto.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

What a beautiful
young man you are.

I have never seen such eyes.

What color are they?

ALBERTO: What is your
favorite color, signora?

Black.

And they are black.

Like the velvet night.

Isabella, you are making
a fool of yourself.

Me? And what about you,
you old goat?

Who are you calling an old goat?

Me. She was looking at me
when she said that.

You're right, signora.

The pretty faces turn my head.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Sam, why don't you take
the lovebirds out in the garden

so they can have
a little more privacy?

Right.

Uh, come on, you crazy kids.

[♪]

[WHISPERING] Mother.

Mother.
It's now or never.

Please.

Pretty please?

I'm so sorry for the
delay, darling. Shh.

But I was waiting
for Esmeralda to return.

Mother, never mind.

We have to get those statues
back where they belong.

Oh?

They seem to be very happy
where they are.

Mother, that's Adonis.

I got him to run a little pass
interference for Darrin.

Copycats.

Okay, okay.

Okay, fun and games are over.

Break it up, you two,
we have to send you back.

[♪]

All right, Mother, together now.

BOTH:
One, two and three.

Mother.

Oh, Mother, we can't
send them back like that.

Why not? I think it's sweet.

What are people gonna say

when they see those two statues
holding hands?

Nothing.

What's one more miracle
in the enchanted city of Rome?

Ciao.

[MOUTHED SPEECH]

[♪]

[♪]

Where are Venus
and what's-his-name?

Adonis and what's-her-name
are back in the museum.

[SIGHS]

You gotta admit,
that goddess was some goddess.

And you are to be congratulated

for putting up what little
struggle you put up

to resist her.

Well, it wasn't easy.

For a while there,
it was, uh, touch-and-go.

Touch what and go where?

Sam.

Well?

[♪]

[♪]