08x08 - TV or Not TV

[bunniefuu]

Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[MAN LAUGHING ON TV]

MAN:
Wow-wee, kids,

wasn't that a funny cartoon?

I bet you never thought it was
going to end, did you?

Neither did I.

Okay, time for lunch.
Now, you have a choice.

What will it be?
Peanut butter and jelly

or egg salad sandwiches?

Shh, Mommy,
we're watching Steamboat Bill.

Well, I'm sure that Steamboat
Bill approves of lunch.

Now, what'll it be?

Mommy, please, you said
we could watch Daddy's new show.

Well, sweetheart,
it isn't really Daddy's show.

He just does the advertising.

Okay, kids, it's time
for our daily boxing lesson.

You guessed it, Punch and Judy.
Sock it to her, Punch.

Hi, everybody.

My name is Mr. Punch,

and this is
the Punch and Judy Show.

First, I'll start things out
by calling up my wife, Judy.

Hey, Judy, come on up.

JUDY [ON TV]:
I can't.

Why not?

JUDY:
Because I'm busy, busy, busy.

PUNCH:
You better come up

or you're gonna be
sorry, sorry, sorry.

JUDY:
Well, what do you want?

I want a kiss.

No.

All right, then try one of mine.

JUDY:
Ow.

Did you like it?
No.

Try another. You'll acquire
a taste for them.

Mommy, how come Punch
always hits Judy?

[TITTERS]

Because she isn't a member
of women's lib.

What, Mommy?

Never mind, sweetheart.

Punch is just very aggressive,

which doesn't seem to bother
your brother one bit.

Now, what'll you have for lunch?

How about a TV lunch?

Okay, two TV peanut-butter-
and-jelly specials coming up.

JUDY:
No.

PUNCH: Boy, you're
persistent, aren't you?

You're also a glutton
for punishment.

Take another and another
and another. Now...

Larry.

How's our latest contribution

to the humor and culture
of our youth?

Not only have I not laughed,
chuckled or smiled,

but I'm actually in pain.

Let me remind you,
you're not a 5-year-old.

But you are the account
executive, so keep watching.

The sponsor might ask questions.

JUDY: I'm gonna have a sore
head tomorrow, I can tell that.

Ow!

That's awful,
the way he keeps hitting her.

You better look out.

Oh, yeah? Well, take another
and another and another.

You're learning real bad things
from this show.

Okay, someone has to put a stop
to all this hitting,

and it might as well be me.

[MAGICAL CHIMES]

PUNCH: Judy, go get my supper.
JUDY: No.

PUNCH:
And another.

TABITHA: Hi. My mommy says
you're very aggressive

and because of you,
my brother keeps on hitting me.

Tabitha.

That girl.
Where did that kid come from?

I don't know.
I never saw her before.

Wha...?

Ow, ow, ow!

Stop that hitting.

Yeah, where did
the kid come from?

How do I know?

Maybe they added something
without telling us.

Or maybe the director's
back on the funny water.

All you know how to do,
Punch, is hit.

There's... Wait till I tell
my analyst about this.

Oh, come on, little girl.
Don't be a spoiled sport.

I ain't hitting her hard.

Besides, Judy likes it.

Sam!

[IN JUDY'S VOICE]
I sure do. Ow, ow, ow!

Adam, Judy only said that
because she's scared of Punch.

But, Judy, you don't have
to be scared of Punch anymore.

[MAGICAL CHIMES]

PUNCH:
What? Where's my slapper?

Judy, have you seen my slapper?

No, but I'll go get another one.

My goodness.

Thank you very much.
There.

Now, doesn't that feel better?

No.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Sam, may I ask
what you're doing?

Of course you may.

May I ask why you ask?

Because your daughter
is on television.

What?

She just popped
into the Steamboat Bill Show.

You're kidding.

Sam,

there are certain things
I don't kid about.

Do something.

All right, all right.

Oh, Tabitha.

NARRATOR:

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Nah-nah,
you missed me.

Didn't that time.

Punch, you're setting
a bad example

for all
the little boys watching.

My little brother hit me
because of you.

Tabitha.

Oh, hi, Mommy. I'm on TV.

No, you're not. You're canceled.

Now, you come home
right this minute.

I'm sorry,
but my mother wants me.

Punch, don't you forget
what I said.

[MAGICAL CHIMES]

You all saw that, didn't you?
I mean, it's not just me.

Tabitha, you were very naughty,
and I am very angry.

But, Mommy,
I didn't hurt anybody.

Well, I'm not too sure.
You might have hurt Daddy.

But, Mommy,
how come you do stuff sometimes?

Only in emergencies.

To correct something
that Esmeralda

or Uncle Arthur might have done.

Some small catastrophe.

What's a catastrophe?

Something we live with
in this house every day.

Oh, uh, hi, Larry.

Don't you "Hi, Larry" me,
you sly devil.

Yeah, well, look,
it's really very easy,

very simple to explain.

Silverton loved it.

Who?

Silverton, the sponsor.
Remember him?

He loved it.
Oh.

He just called to say he thought
it was a marvelous touch

having the girl
talk to the puppets

as if they were real people.

And I agree with him
100 percent.

Even though I didn't see it.

Now, as your commander in chief,

I demand to know
why you didn't let me in on it.

Well, because it was, uh,
only just an experiment.

Experiment, my eye. Silverton
wants to use her every day.

The calls to the station
have been fantastic.

That little kid
really got to the audience.

Well, that's wonderful, Larry.

The only trouble is,

uh, we're not gonna be able
to get to that little kid.

What do you mean?

Well, you see,
I just had an usher, uh...

Uh, pick her
out of the audience.

I haven't the slightest idea
who she is.

And after the show she just
popped out like she popped in.

Popped out, popped in?

Uh, well, that's just
a figure of speech.

We'll just have
to find another kid.

Oh, yeah.
And we will, we will.

[CHUCKLES]
That's a great idea, Larry.

No wonder
you're my commander in chief.

[♪]

Sam, how could you?

How could you let Tabitha
do a thing like that?

Sweetheart,
you're not listening.

I didn't let her.

She just popped in by herself.
I can't watch her every second.

Sam, this is serious.

Tabitha can't keep on abusing

her powers of witchcraft
like this.

I... I know, sweetheart.

I had a serious witch-to-witch
talk with her.

And she realizes the full impact
of what she did

and promises never
to go TV-popping again.

But if she's this undisciplined
as a child,

imagine what she'll be like
when she grows up.

Darrin.

I don't think
your right hand knows

what your left hand is doing.

Either one of those drinks
is mine,

or you're going to be
the fastest drunk in the West.

Sorry, Sam.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

[♪]

Hello, Darrin.

Larry, what a surprise.

Uh, come on in.

You remember Lester Silverton,

president
of the Silverton Toy Company?

DARRIN:
Of course.

How are you,
Mr. Silverton?

The string, Darrin.
Pull the string.

Oh, of course.

Forgive me, I forgot.

Hello, Mr. Stephens,
nice to see you again.

Likewise.

Well...

what can I do for you?

You can mix us two Scotch
and sodas in the living room.

Oh, yes.

LARRY:
Darrin, you're going to flip

when you hear the great idea
Mr. Silverton's come up with.

Well, hi, everybody.

Hi, Samantha.

Mr. Silverton,
this is Samantha,

Darrin's charming
and lovely wife.

[GIGGLING] Oh, Larry.

It's a pleasure.

Pull the string, Sam.

Of course.

I like you.
I'd like to be your friend.

[BOTH LAUGH]

How cute.

[LAUGHS]

Well, two Scotches
coming right up.

Uh, sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.

Mr. Silverton.

Well, what's the great idea,
Mr. Silverton?

Well, it's an ingenious way
to find our little mystery girl.

Mystery girl?

Our TV mystery girl, who else?

DARRIN: I thought we were
going to get a replacement.

I've set up interviews
for tomorrow for a new girl.

Don't be ridiculous.
That kid charmed this town.

She's a fantastic find
and we're going to find her.

I hope so.

Now, what we do
is run a campaign.

Who is this mystery girl

who has captured the hearts
of people in television land?

Is she the little girl
next door?

Is she your little girl?

The publicity would be
tremendous.

Of course, the person
identifying the mystery girl

would receive
a substantial cash prize.

How much?

Sam.

Well.

TABITHA:
Mommy, Daddy.

I want to say good night.

No. That's okay,
sweetheart,

you said good night
to us last night.

Hold it. Hold it.

That's her.
That's who?

The mystery girl on the show.

Tabitha?

[BOTH LAUGH]

LARRY:
Impossible.

Uh, but, Larry,
if, uh... If Mr. Silverton

thinks that Tabitha
looks like the mystery girl,

at least you have
a clue to go on.

She not only looks like the kid,
she is the kid.

Oh, I'm afraid, Mr. Silverton,
that, uh, you're mistaken.

Stephens, not only
do I never make mistakes,

but when I do,
nobody points them out to me.

I hope I make myself clear.

Perfectly. Right, Darrin?

Well, I guess that's
the shortest contest in history.

[CHUCKLES]

Go to bed, Tabitha.
I'll come up and tuck you...

SILVERTON:
Now, just a minute.

I'd like to ask
the little girl a question.

How would you like to be
the star of my TV show?

I'd love it. Can I, Mommy?
Can I, Daddy? Can I be a star?

We'll talk about that later.
Now you go on up to bed.

LARRY:
Night, Tabitha.

Stephens, how come
the big secret?

Yes, we'd like an explanation,

and it better be a good one.

Hopefully, a great one.

[CLEARS THROAT] Well,

uh, will you buy the fact

that, uh, I got the idea
to use a little girl on the show

at the last minute,

so it was too late
to hire an actress

s... So I used Tabitha?

Well, that certainly
sounds reasonable.

Just one thing, Tate.

You know
I'm against hiring relatives.

Well, I'm dead set
against nepotism, myself.

Why, even my own daughter

who happens to be
a very fine little actress

never has worked on my TV show.

I guess that settles it.

Right. Darrin,
I'll join you tomorrow

at the interviews
for Tabitha's replacement.

I don't think
that'll be necessary, Tate.

LARRY:
You don't?

No, Tabitha stays on the show.

B... But what about
your attitude toward nepotism?

Stephens, I think you'll find
my attitude toward nepotism

is not as strong
as my attitude toward profit.

The audience reaction
to your daughter spells profit.

Replacing her might spell loss.

Right.

Darrin, I want
Tabitha on that set

first thing tomorrow morning.

Do I make myself understood?

Perfectly.

Ha-ha!

Well, I guess there's
no business like show business,

is there?

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING] Cheers.

[♪]

[♪]

You haven't touched your eggs.

My stomach can't get used
to the idea

that Larry talked us into

letting Tabitha
appear on that TV show.

Well, don't you worry,
sweetheart.

I guarantee you
that Tabitha's star

will be eclipsed the day
she starts, which is today.

Um, question: How?

Well, uh, witchcraft
got you into this mess

so witchcraft can
get you out of it.

Uh, question.

How?

Answer.

I'm waiting, Sam.

Darrin, why don't you
go to the office,

and I'll phone the answer in?

Question.

When?

Just as soon as I think of it.

[♪]

[CHANTS] Witchcraft's
done the dirty deed.

Reverse it now
with all due speed.

Gossamer wings
The words pell-mell.

Whisk me to where
The Silvertons dwell

[MAGICAL CHIMES]

Time for another
cup of coffee, dear?

[MAGICAL CHIME]

Sorry, dear, but I've got
to get to the studio early.

The Stephens girl
is starting today.

I want to see
that everything goes smoothly.

Is she any good?
Good?

Helen, she was great.

She was so natural and innocent
with those puppets,

she gave you the feeling

that she was actually talking
to real people.

But Robin has a natural and
innocent quality too, Lester.

I think you ought
to reconsider and...

Not a chance, Helen.

Robin's a fine little actress,

but you know how I feel
about hiring relatives.

It looks bad.

Well, I gotta get a move on.

Have a good time at the museum.

So long.
Goodbye, Lest.

Have a good time today,
honey. Bye.

Bye-bye, Daddy.

Mommy, after the museum,
can we go to the movies?

Of course, dear.
We'll do anything you want to.

We'll go to the museum,
to the movies, to the zoo.

But if we're gonna
do everything,

we're gonna have to get started.

I don't like to be
late getting to the...

I don't like to be late
getting to the studio.

The studio?

We're not going to the studio,
we're going to the museum.

No, dear,
we're going to the studio.

Why?

Why? Oh, Robin,
don't ask such silly questions.

Why? I...

I don't know why.

But we're going.

[MAGICAL CHIME]

DIRECTOR: All right, troops.
All right, hold it.

Run through in 30 seconds.

Watch that.
Lights, lights, lights.

Attaboy. Good. Let's get
this puppet show on the road.

Where's Bill?
Steamboat Bill, where...?

Here I am.
Always when I don't need you.

I wanna go through the opening.
I want you high, baby, high.

Not down. Watch it.

Now, when Punch hits Judy
for the third time,

you say, "Punch..."

Why do I have to wait
for the third time?

He could have hurt her by then.

Don't worry, puppets are built
to take a lot of punishment.

Now, pay attention. You say...

All right, you got it?
I got it.

I've been doing this
for 10 years.

Too long.

Okay, everybody, get with it.

Places, please.
Oh, where's my star?

Where's my little star?

Right here. Here I am.

Now, during this picnic scene,
Punch hits Judy.

Then I want you to say,

"Punch, I think deep down,
you don't like little girls."

Now, have you got that?
Look, no combing, no time.

Right over here.

Up on Camera 2.

DIRECTOR:
And action.

JUDY:
He took my chicken leg.

He took my chicken leg.

Punch, deep down,
I think you don't like girls.

Oh, I do, I do.
But I like chicken legs more.

Ow!

You're getting
into very bad habits.

When you're older,

you'll realize
that girls have feelings too.

JUDY:
Can't he realize that now?

How many more years
of abuse must I take?

Pick a number from one to 10.

Ow!

That settles it. Judy, I'm gonna
find you another boyfriend.

PUNCH: You are?
JUDY: Would you, Tabitha?

Would you? One that doesn't
hit quite so hard?

You know, Judy,
not all boys hit girls.

They don't?
They don't?

Ha! They don't know
all the fun they missed.

JUDY:
Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Okay, okay.

DIRECTOR:
Cut. That was very good.

Let's take a break.

Tabitha, dear,
I'll be right out.

All right, Tabitha,
let's try on this other dress.

Mommy, when do I get time
to play a little bit?

Not for a while, sweetheart.

Being a star
requires a lot of work.

But the director said
I could take a break.

Well, taking a break
doesn't mean you can play.

It just means getting ready
for the next scene.

Okay, Tabitha, I have some
line changes for you.

Here on page 24. Now, this is
where we do the history lesson.

Let me touch up her makeup.
Let me smooth out her hair.

Look, would you leave
my little star alone?

WOMAN: If I don't fit this dress,
it won't be ready for airtime.

Don't smudge her makeup.

WOMAN:
Watch her hair.

DIRECTOR:
Would you all be quiet

while I go through these lines?

Now, Tabitha,
pay attention, darling.

What we're going to do
is tell the...

What are you...?

Tell the story
of G... George Washington.

George Washington
was a great American statesman,

and he stood on the banks
of the Potomac River...

Okay, Tabitha, darling.
That should do it.

Okay, crew.
On stage in 10 seconds.

Oh, go see if Punch and Judy
need anything.

Mommy, I don't think
I like being a star.

Well, you'll get used to it.

You mean I'm going to
have to do this forever?

No. Not if you don't want to.

Would you rather
go to the zoo this afternoon?

I sure would.

Well, you're in luck.
I have an idea.

Now, listen,

Tabitha,
all you have to do is forget

the name
of the president that threw

whatever it was over...

All right, now, Tabitha,
we're going to do the scene

where you give Punch and Judy
a history lesson.

Hi.

Let's try it, huh?

Tabitha,
start with George Washington

and the silver dollar, right?

Up on Camera 2.

Attaboy. Action.

The story goes
that George Washington threw a...

Uh, threw a...

I just told you, Tabitha,
a silver dollar.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Sorry, Punch.
Sorry, Judy.

The story goes that George
Washington threw a silver dollar

across the... river.

Now, look,
that's the Potomac River.

Now, what is the matter
with you, Tabitha?

TABITHA:
I'm sorry, Mr. Director,

but I can't remember my lines.

Don't worry. Just keep going.
You'll remember.

TABITHA:
But I'm tired.

Tabitha, my dear, you are a
star, and the show must go on.

Now, let's take it from the top.

I'm tired.
I wanna go home.

Me too.

But she can't go home.
Right.

She has a job to do.
Yes.

What kind of a pro is she?

SAMANTHA:
Well, she's not a pro.

She's a little girl.

If you wanted a pro,
you should hire an actress.

I have an idea.
What about Robin?

Well, Robin is my daughter

and you know how I feel
about hiring relatives.

Mr. Silverton, may I remind you
that Tabitha is my daughter...

And when I need to be reminded
of something, I'll ask you.

Anyway, Robin isn't here.

All right, troops,

take a five
while we straighten this out.

Get your cameras.

Robin. Helen.
What are you doing here?

Well, I...
I really don't know.

[MAGICAL CHIME]

Well, Robin,
as long as you're here,

I'd like to ask you a question.

Yes, Daddy.

How would you like
to be on Daddy's show?

But you said I could never
be on any of your shows.

SILVERTON:
I just asked you a question.

Yes or no?

I'd love it, Dad.

SILVERTON:
All right, sweetheart.

Let's go onstage
and we'll get you ready.

Maybe someday you'd like
to explain this to me.

Uh, Larry, uh,
you'd never believe it.

Try me.

Well, first let's
tell the director

he's got a new little star.

Mrs. Silverton.
Mrs. Silverton.

Hi. I'm Samantha Stephens.

How do you do?
I'm Helen Silverton.

Yes, it's nice to meet you.

I'm so glad Robin got the job.
I'm sure she'll be just great.

Oh, aren't you going to stay
and watch the show?

I'm afraid I can't.

I'm gonna spend the rest
of the day with Tabitha.

I think
I'll take her to the zoo.

And then maybe
we'll go to the museum.

And after the museum,
maybe we'll go to the movies.

[♪]

[♪]

Sam?

Hm?

Do you know what makes
being married to a witch

so wonderful?

What?

Well, for example,
take a day like this.

It's like getting hit over
the head with a hammer.

If feels so good when it stops.

I am going to pretend
you meant that as a compliment.

TABITHA:
Mommy, Daddy, is it all right

if I say good night tonight?

Of course, sweetheart.

Good night and sweet dreams.

Good night, Daddy.

Good night, dear.

Daddy, was Robin good
on the show today?

DARRIN:
She was pretty good.

She got Punch
to stop hitting Judy so much.

I bet you if I were on the show,

I could get Punch never
to hit Judy again.

There's too much hitting on TV.

Sweetheart, you're just going
to have to let Robin

handle the campaign
on nonviolence.

But there's a little hitting

that you can
take care of yourself.

What's that, Mommy?

I want you to hit the sack.
Immediately.

Speaking of nonviolence,
where were we?

Oh, yes. Just about here.

[♪]

[♪]