08x18 - Samantha on Thin Ice

[bunniefuu]

Hi. This is
Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[♪]

Needs more salt.

That's enough.

Does it need pepper too?

Mother, you may be
the salt of the earth,

but I wish you wouldn't do that.

I can season my stew
without your help.

Well, I was just trying
to make things easier.

No point in working yourself
into a stew.

Stew.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Samantha, you've lost
your sense of humor.

DARRIN:
Hi, honey, I'm home.

And I'm not surprised,
living with that drudge.

Sam, what a wonderful surprise.

Your mother's here.

And I might have
a surprise for you.

How would you like
to be a carrot

growing in a field of rabbits?

Mother.

Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.
Oh, hi, Grandmama.

Guess what.

We give up.

I'm invited to a party.

Terrific. Whose?

Janice London's.
She lives down the street.

Her birthday is
a week from Saturday

and I'm invited
to go ice skating

with a bunch of other girls.

Now just calm down, Tabitha.

There's one thing
you've forgotten.

What's that?

You don't know how to ice skate.

Tabitha can't ice skate?

Uh...

Honey, why don't you
get cleaned up for dinner

and Daddy and I
will talk about it, okay?

Okay.

Samantha, it's disgraceful
that Tabitha can't ice skate.

Well...

I remember when you took
your first lesson.

You were 3 years old.
It was a morning lesson.

And that same afternoon

you qualified for
the cosmic Ice Capades.

Blabbermouth.

And she learned by witchcraft.

How terribly clever of you
to figure that out.

Well, Tabitha is going to learn
to skate the mortal way.

I haven't skated since then,
so I'm probably a little rusty,

but if you would like me to,

I will personally teach Tabitha.

I wouldn't like you to.

If anyone is gonna teach
my child how to ice skate

it'll be a mortal instructor
on a mortal skating rink,

the mortal way.

You're in a mortal rut.

ENDORA:
Samantha.

The prospect of my granddaughter
floundering on the ice

with them has given me
a splitting migraine.

And now that you've made a
perfectly marvelous person sick,

she's leaving.

Sam,

when you take Tabitha for
her lesson, I want a promise.

During the lesson, neither
student will use witchcraft.

Well, of course not.
We want Tabitha to...

What do you mean,
"neither student"?

Can you learn to skate normally?

From scratch,
without witchcraft?

Why would I wanna do that?

Could you or couldn't you?

Darrin, why is it you think

that witches need witchcraft
for everything?

Not everything,
just everything difficult.

Well!

Can you learn to skate
the mortal way?

Are you challenging me?

Yes.

I accept.

And if I can't,

I will be more careful
in the future

about accepting challenges.

NARRATOR:

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Hold on, Mrs. Stephens.
Now, don't be afraid to hold on.

I'm not, I'm not.

By the way, is there
a Mr. Stephens?

Yeah.

Then I guess it would be foolish
to ask for a date.

I guess so.

Hold your ankles straight.

I'm trying.
Mommy, I'm getting tired.

Yes, sweetheart, I know.

This is tough
on both of us, but...

Come on over here.

Sit over there and rest.

Good idea.
Me too.

Whoa! Ah!

Help! Put me down.

Hello, precious.

Hello, Grandmama.

Oh, what a dismal place.

The least your mother could do
is take you to the Swiss Alps.

How is it going, sweetheart?

Terrible. I'll be the worst
skater at Janice's party.

Oh, will that upset you?

Yes, all the other kids
will laugh at me.

Oh, indeed they will not.

Your grandmama on your
good side will not permit it.

Will you put me down?

If you don't mind my saying so,
you're some looker.

Most housewives
who come down here

look like they should be
on brooms instead of skates.

Well, that's cute.

Yeah, they're regular witches.

You know what I mean?

[MAGICAL CHIME]

Right on, granny.

[MAGICAL CHIME]

Your mama's a showoff.

[CHUCLKES]

Well, here I go again.

Well, careful now.
Be careful.

No flesh of my flesh
Shall be flawed.

To the skating world.

A star is born

Tabitha.

Tabitha.

It's a... It's a miracle.

You're right.
But whose?

Lady, you've been
putting me on, right?

Trying to make me think
she's a beginner?

No, not at all.

She's just, uh,
a very fast learner.

That child is a virtuoso on ice.

She just picked it up
as if by magic.

Now that she knows how to skate,
I think I'll take her home.

[ALL APPLAUD]

[♪]

Let's see that again.

Tabitha, stop that.

Tabitha.

In spite of your grandmama,
your mother orders you to stop.

Holy Hans Brinker.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Daddy.
Tabitha.

Adam give you any trouble?

Not a bit.

He's upstairs
playing in the nursery.

How'd the ice skating go?

Fine. Lots of fun.

We both kept our promises.

Good. I'm proud of you.

Who did better? You or Tabitha?

Well, um,
we started out equally.

Equally bad, that is.

But at the end,
Tabitha was terrific.

I think I'll go upstairs
and play with Adam.

Sam, this was a big day.

We hoped Tabitha would learn
an important lesson and she did.

In here.
Mm.

Ow!

What's the matter?

I learned my important lesson
someplace else.

News bulletin.

Two children fast asleep.

Darrin?

Uh, honey, I'm trying to read.

Is the book very interesting?

Very.

Oh.

Well, would you mind
putting it down, anyway?

I'd like to talk to you.

What's up?

Two consciences,
Tabitha's and mine.

We talked it over and we agreed

that honesty is
the best policy, right?

Right.

Well, here goes.

Uh, today at the skating rink...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Saved by the bell.

Mr. and Mrs. Stephens?

Yes?

I'm Billy Blades Bookoltzer.

Who?

Don't you recognize my name?

No, I'm afraid we don't.

Billy Blades Bookoltzer.

The dean of
American figure skating.

Winner of 11 national and
international championships,

five Olympic medals,

two introductions from the
studio audience by Ed Sullivan.

May I come in?

What for?

Madam, with my credentials,

I should think you at least
owe me the chance to be heard.

About what?

[♪]

Please, be seated.

Thank you.

A few hours ago,
I received a phone call

from the young man
who gave your daughter

her first skating lesson.

To tell you she's a prospect
for the Olympics?

Correct.

It is?

I hoped I was kidding.

BILLY: I get these tips
from all over the country.

Usually from crackpots.

But since I happen
to live nearby,

I decided to check this one out.

Well, Mr. Bookoltzer,

you have just heard
from another crackpot.

Tabitha's only skated
one day in her life.

[CHUCKLES]

I was informed
that your daughter

may be the greatest
figure skater

since me.

Gee, I wonder how she got
that good that fast.

Uh, Mr. Bookoltzer,
Tabitha is just a beginner.

Mrs. Stephens, the judgment
of how good she is

must be made by an expert.

I am that expert.

You bring your daughter
to the same rink

tomorrow morning at 10:00
before it opens to the public,

and I shall grant
a private audition.

If my information is right,

we have an Olympic Games
prospect.

But... But... But Mr. Bookoltzer,

we're not interested

in our daughter
skating in the Olympics.

If I see that she's
championship material,

I shall become
her personal coach.

We can settle my fee later.

Your fee will be nothing.

Yes, you see, this year we're
a little strapped, so I'm...

Payment may be deferred.

Blades Bookoltzer
doesn't care about money.

He cares about
the art of figure skating.

He cares about
winning the Olympics.

He cares about honor and glory,

not for himself
nor any individual.

For the United States
of America.

Uh, well, Mr. Bookoltzer,
thanks anyway, but we pass.

Pass?

Pass, pass, you can't pass.

You can't shut the door
on patriotism.

If your child possesses
this natural talent,

to suppress it would be treason.

Uh, Mr. Bookoltzer,
Tabitha's natural talent

is not ice skating.

I shall determine that tomorrow.

You have her there tomorrow
at 10:00 sharp

or I shall never let up on you.

If she's not there, I will haunt
this very threshold.

I will follow you
wherever you may go,

track you down
no matter what the cost may be.

I shall never...

surrender.

Okay, Sam, what happened?

You want the truth?

Yes, the whole truth.

You make a guess,
I'll bet you get it.

Your mother.
You got it.

[♪]

[♪]

Oh, hi, Mommy.

Are we the first ones up?

No, no, that honor
went to your brother at 6:00.

But I got him back to sleep

at 7:30.

Why are we eating
in the dining room?

Well, I, um...

I thought we'd make
a big deal out of breakfast.

Why?

For diplomatic reasons.

And to put your father
in a good mood.

Is he mad at us?

No, sweetheart,
he isn't mad at you.

He's a tiny bit mad at me.

And a large bit mad
at Grandmama.

And when he sees
this fancy breakfast,

he'll be all smiles.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Good morning, Daddy.

Good morning.

Well, for Sunday breakfast,
you have your choice of...

First, I want to check
the sports section.

Pancakes, waffles...

Maybe Tabitha's in it.

French toast, Spanish omelet...

Ah. Here it is.

"Seven-year-old beginner
is poetry on ice."

or eggs Benedict.

Oh, come on.
How could that get in the paper?

Did it?

Not yet.

Sam, the table is beautiful,

and I know you went
to a lot of trouble.

Oh, it was nothing.

And it's not going to do
any good.

Daddy, can I still go
to Janice London's party?

No.

Uh, yes.

I don't know.

Tabitha, why don't you get
your daddy's orange juice?

Okay.

Sweetheart, you can't
punish her for something

that was beyond her control.

I agree with you,

but who knows what else
is beyond her control.

Mother's had her kicks.
The spell is off.

And I think we should keep
our appointment with Blades.

Why?

Because he won't give up
until we convince him

that Tabitha is not a candidate
for the Olympics.

And that it's his patriotic duty

to forget the whole thing.

Maybe he forgot it already.

Maybe last night
we discouraged him.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello. Billy Blades
Bookoltzer here.

Oh, hello, Blades.

I'm calling to remind you
of your daughter's audition.

He didn't forget.
What shall I tell him?

Tell him that...

That...

Tell him we'll be there.

Blades, we'll see you
at the rink.

I'll be there.

Tabitha's star
is about to be eclipsed.

These are rented skates,

and she doesn't have
her own costume,

but I think Blades
will take that into account.

Okay.

Warm up a little, princess.

What happened?

Oh, well, you remember
yesterday.

She's a slow
warmer-upper.

I see my spell
needs a booster sh*t.

Now that's more like it.

I'll go get Blades.

Your mother,
the Wicked Witch of the West,

strikes again.

Mother, where are you?

Mother!

You come over here.

Samantha?

You called?

Endora, knock off
that spell or I'll...

I haven't put a spell
on Tabitha.

Not completely.

No, just on her feet.

[CHUCKLES]

Endora, if you don't...

Darrin, this is an occasion
that calls for unique handling.

Mother.
What, dear?

We beg you, out of love, please,

take that spell off Tabitha.

Mother.
What?

Tabitha's life is
about to be taken over

by the dean of
American figure skating.

He's talking about
the Olympic Games.

If she wins the Olympics...

DARRIN:
And with all that activity,

she'll have very little time
for her family.

Especially her dear grandmama.

Oh, well.

Oh.

Tabitha...

To spare you
From that mortal fate.

By the blue cosmos
That is above you.

You'll find you don't know
How to skate.

It's done.

Because I love you.

Well, that's more like it.
Right, sweetheart?

Right.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Blades is here.

The audition may commence.

Um, Billy Blades Bookoltzer,

uh, this is my daughter,
Tabitha, and this is my...

Please, no talking.

I wish to observe the child
in silence.

Uh, Tabitha, go on and skate
for Mr. Bookoltzer.

Is this some kind of joke?

It looks like she can't
stand up under pressure.

It looks like she can't
stand up on skates.

Two minutes ago
she was brilliant.

Uh, maybe she's tired.

How can she be tired

when all she's doing
is sitting down?

Madam, your child is a klutz.

What does he mean, "klutz"?

Now that's someone
who's hopelessly clumsy.

Oh!

Blades, I tell you,
that kid can really skate.

You've always been neurotic
and it finally happened.

BILLY:
You've wigged out.

Oh, Mother, that's mean.

Thank you, Mother.

Yes, Endora.
Thank you and goodbye.

[LAUGHS]

[SAMANTHA LAUGHS]

Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart,
but you asked for it.

Whoa!

Klutz.

[♪]

[♪]